Date: Wed, 17 Oct 2001 05:09:43 -0700 (PDT)
From: The Alienist <alienist_hk@yahoo.com>
Subject: Holding On For Dear Life  Part 11

"Holding On For Dear Life"
Part 11
By The Alienist
Alienist_hk@Yahoo.com


DISCLAIMER: This story is a work of erotic and romantic fiction involving
teenage boys.  All the usual rules apply.  If you shouldn't be reading
this, then please don't continue.  Or at least try not to be caught!

COPYRIGHT NOTICE: This story is copyrighted October 2001 by the author, who
retains all rights.  You may distribute or copy this story in any way you
like, PROVIDED that this copyright notice remains intact and that you do
NOT change the story in any way.  I give it freely to all, please continue
that way yourself.

NOTE: All Thai words and phrases have been spelled so that readers may
pronounce them correctly.  Please note that I am an American listener of
Thai, as well.  Other transliteration methods may vary.

DEDICATIONS: Firstly, I want to express my gratitude to all of you faithful
fans, who didn't give up on me even though it's been more than a year since
you had a new chapter in this story!  I have received many emails asking
after my well being, and trying to be patient with me as my energy went in
other directions than writing.  So, the first dedication is to all of my
faithful readers and Internet friends everywhere!

Secondly, those of you who have read my story thus far know that each
chapter is dedicated to someone significant in my life.  In the 14 months
since I last posted a new chapter, I have been lucky enough to make a new
friend.  Harry and I are so very different...different countries, different
generations, different cultures.  But we somehow have become important to
each other.  He keeps me young, and he helped me start writing again.  That
sort of friendship is a gift that the Universe doesn't give very often.  I
am grateful for it when it happens.  So Harry, this chapter is for you.
For you and your lover Steve, from Chaat and me both.  You guys are
awesome.


Holding On For Dear Life
Part 11


It must be the next morning, James thought, his consciousness gathering
itself from slumber.  He cracked an eye open just to check.  Yup, light
coming in from the closed curtains.  He gently shifted his weight, trying
to stretch cramped muscles without disturbing the body entangled with his
own in the bed.  Sakjai.  Neung.  His boyfriend.  It hadn't been a dream!

Yesterday's events came to him, like a slow and sensuous slideshow in his
mind.  Everything was different now.  Absolutely everything in his life had
changed in less than 24 hours.  James struggled with his morning fog to
come up with words to describe it all.  Amazing.  Exciting.  Frightening.
Surprising.  But most of all, it hadn't been a dream.  There was the proof,
lying in the bed next to him.  The most beautiful boy in the world was
sleeping in his arms.

James savored the memories of last night, luxuriated in them.  Until he
remembered one thing that worried him.  There was always one worry at least
to spoil everything, wasn't there?  Yet, Sakjai had kept telling him not to
worry, that he thought about everything too much.  Well, that was surely
true.  He'd worried that anybody would ever discover that he was gay, and
that had turned out ok.  So far.  Pending what his parents would think
about it when they found out.  If they hadn't already figured it out.

He'd also worried that he would never have any friends, let alone a
boyfriend.  And that was groundless, too.

He'd worried about being fat and ugly, and he wasn't.  That had been proven
to him last night by Neung's loving every inch of him.  He didn't have to
think that he himself was handsome, really.  The only important thing was
that his boyfriend thought so.  And he did.  He didn't even have to worry
about his dick any more.  Well, big amendment...he didn't have to worry
about its' being tiny.  It was normal...average...whatever.  That was a
huge relief.

There was just that one Big Worry left, then.  And it IS pretty big, he
considered silently, surveying the shadows gradually receding from his room
as the morning light made everything more distinct.

Last night, after saying good night to his Dad, after the bath, that's when
it had happened.  Or rather, when it hadn't happened.  True to his word,
Neung had given James a massage.  He said that Thai people are noted for
their terrific massages. Not just rubbing everything like the Swedes, oh
no!  Sakjai had James remove his towel, and both of them were naked again.
Just being naked with another naked person was awesome and strange to
James.  The massage had started with James lying on his stomach.  Neung had
pressed, prodded, and kneaded, stretched and pretzel-ized James's entire
body.  There was pain.  There was exquisite pleasure.  His body had never
been so thoroughly explored before.  Every inch of him from the top of his
head and scalp to each of his toes and the soles of his feet had been
massaged, and it had taken almost an hour.  Nobody talking, only Neung
murmuring soft one word commands occasionally.  And the sound of music
softly playing in the background.

And then James had been told to turn over, face up, so the other half of
his body could receive the same attention.  At first, he had been
embarrassed about having a major erection for much of the previous hour.
His dick had flapped like a flagpole when he turned over onto his back.
Sakjai had squeezed it with a giggle of delight.  But then it sort of
deflated as the massage continued.  By the time Sakjai said, "Finished!"
James's penis was back in its usual flaccid state.  Every muscle in his
body seemed to be totally relaxed, so he didn't worry about it immediately.
He seemed to be floating on a cloud of well being.

Then Neung had flopped down onto the bed beside him, a little sweaty from
the exertion of being a masseuse.  And he had poked James's side with
something other than his hands and fingers.  His dick was as hard as a rock
again, just as it had been in the bath.

"Can I play with you the same way you played with me before the bath,
James?"

"Hmmmmm...." was the practically unconscious acceptance.

And Neung had begun another kind of exploration of James's body.  It
started feather-light, and James felt his ears and neck being touched so
lightly that the hairs all over his body shivered into vertical position.
Neung's fingers softly stroked everywhere, moving ever further southward.
James felt his nipples harden.  He'd never noticed those before.  He felt
his libido stirring again.  And then Neung had silently urged James to
spread his legs, so he was X shaped on top of the bedcovers.  On one elbow,
Neung feasted his eyes on the splendor of his new friend's body, and his
touch followed his gaze.  James felt his pubes being brushed, and then his
balls being lightly fondled in their sack, which contracted deliciously
into a solid lump of ticklish good feeling.  James's toes curled with
delight as he moaned his appreciation.  Sakjai just knew that James was
going to always love having his balls played with.

And the fingers continued their search for pleasure zones.  Under his
balls, as far as he could reach his fingers.  The crease between his crotch
and his upper thighs.  Both sides.  And then the fingers started to explore
his dick.  From stem to stern, tip of the foreskin to the base buried up
inside his abdomen, Sakjai memorized his new boyfriend's penis.  He loved
doing it, and time stood still.

For James, it was different than he'd ever thought it would be in his lone
jerk-off fantasies.  Most importantly, he'd never really fantasized about
somebody pleasuring him.  It had always been the other way around, and he'd
never thought that anybody would want to make his body feel good.  So it
was strange to be receiving pleasure at somebody else's hands.

Not to say that he didn't love it.  He did!  His whole body was tingling
and reverberating with ocean swells of pleasure.  He hummed and moaned as
Sakjai showed him his erogenous zones for the first time.  He expected that
he'd be overly excited, that maybe he wouldn't be able to hold off his
orgasm long enough to return the favor to his partner.  But that hadn't
been the problem.

His dick stayed soft.  Just like in the bathtub.  He was happy, he was
stimulated and excited to be with the boy of his dreams.  But he wasn't
erect.  Was there something wrong with him?  He'd never had trouble with
hard-ons before.  In fact, he more often wished that it would go down and
not embarrass him somehow, like in gym showers.  He had absolutely no
experience with worrying that it wouldn't get hard.

And would Sakjai get tired of it all?  Would he notice and think that James
didn't enjoy it?  Or would he think that James was selfish somehow?  Of
course, Sakjai noticed that his friend's dick wasn't responding.  He
thought that perhaps he wasn't doing something right.  So he'd asked, "Is
this fun for you, James?"

"Ohhh yeah...this is amazing...sooo good..." was the sleepy sounding
response.

"Do you want me to make you hard here...?"  and squeezed James's cock in
the most delightful manner.

"Ummm, I must be tired or something.  But it feels really good when you
play with me down there...I love it..."

"Oh, good...But James, mine is not so tired..." And Neung had started
rubbing himself on James's leg as he said it.

So James had turned onto his side facing the Thai youth, and hugged him.
He'd grabbed one of Sakjai's bubble-shaped butt cheeks with each of his
hands and pulled Neung into himself.  Neung's warm breath made James's neck
damp with sweat.  He could feel the well-defined muscles of Neung's bum
bunch up and contract as he rubbed his hard-on against James's crotch.  At
first, the Thai boy's dick had rubbed up against James's pubes, but Neung
reached down and adjusted himself.  He slowly pushed his hard dick between
James's legs, right up under his balls.  There was enough sweat there to
make it slick and smooth as Neung started a slow-motion fucking motion.
Soon, his own pre-cum added to the lubrication, and James could feel
everything intensely, as the motions grew more urgent.

Neung grabbed onto James to anchor himself as he lunged harder and harder
between the legs of his new lover.  He hissed his appreciation and his
passion as he moved.  His breathing grew more and more ragged, his
movements more and more powerful.  James just kept kneading those wonderful
buns as Sakjai moved back and forth into him.  The peak was wonderful.
Neung's ragged breathing gave way to panting as he came, shooting jet after
warm and sticky jet of fluid between James's legs.  It completely coated
James's still-limp tackle.

"Ahhh, James....aahhhh....ohhhh....hmmmmm...."  As Sakjai came down from
the mountaintops, his urgent moans turned into contented purring, kind of
like a Siamese cat, James thought.  After several minutes of gentle
post-orgasmic thrusting movements, Neung had separated their sticky bodies
and cleaned them both up with one of the bath towels that had been left on
the floor beside the bed.

And the cuddling after was just as wonderful for Sakjai as the sex had
been.  Holding onto his lover, drifting to sleep in the after-glow.  The
best night of his life, was Neung's last thought before he floated off into
dreamland.

James had held on too, of course.  But his last thought of the night had
been "What's wrong with me?  I haven't been able to cum since this morning,
before I met him..." And that's what he was worrying about as the new day
started, too.

He disentangled himself from the still comatose Neung, and checked his
flaccid penis just to be sure he wasn't missing anything.  He wasn't.  Not
even a morning piss-hard.  He frowned as he put on boxers and his favorite
cargo shorts and matching tee shirt.  Then he stopped off to deposit the
night's gallon of piss, splashed some water onto his face, made a cursory
attempt to untangle his brown curls with his fingers, and went to see what
the day would bring.



James shuffled into the kitchen, still blinking the sleep from his eyes
despite his half-hearted ablutions.  As always, his mother Ali was way
ahead of him.  Ali was a morning person, bright and cheerful even at the
break of day.  This fact had always been annoying to James, who typically
needed about an hour merely to decide if the day was worth greeting at all,
and then at best with a grumble.  Ali knew not to make too many
conversational demands on her son right off the bat.  Even though she was
bursting with curiosity and concern and questions and motherly advice.

"Good morning, James."

"Mornin', Mom.  Thanks for remembering my new name."

Ali was amazed.  This was the most her youngest child had ever said before
breakfast.  Must be a good day indeed.

"You're welcome!  It's not every day that my son acquires a new name and a
new friend.  Yesterday was quite a day, huh?"

"Hmmm...." James reverted to his usual morning vocabulary, but it sounded
agreeable enough.

Ali considered her next questions carefully.  She wanted to make the good
mood last.  "So, how did you sleep?  Is Sakjai still snoozing?"

"He's got a new nickname, too, Mom.  We're going to call him Neung.  Didn't
Dad tell you last night?"

Ali considered that newest piece of the puzzle.  No, Paul had not shared
that new tidbit with her.  She must have already been asleep when he talked
to them again.  Ah, the inscrutable ways of youth!  "Neung?  Sounds very
exotic.  What does it mean?"

"It's Thai language.  It means the number one."

"I see..." But, of course she didn't see.  It just gave Ali more questions
to ask.  Not very satisfying for a mother used to knowing everything.

"He's still sleeping.  He had a terrible day yesterday.  Can we let him be
a little while longer?  It's only 9."

"Entirely up to you, dear.  It's the first day of summer vacation!  What
are your plans?"

James suddenly realized that he had no idea.  He was consumed with feelings
and thoughts about the day just passed.  The future hadn't occurred to him
yet.

"Um, not sure, really..."

"Well, remember that your father wants to talk to Sakjai's...sorry, Neung's
housekeeper this morning.  When he gets up, we should call right away so
she doesn't worry where he was last night."

"Right.  But we did call there last night after you went to bed."  James
had forgotten that detail himself, until right then.  "We left a message on
their answering machine for Nancy.  You know, for when she gets to work.
She's probably there already.  We left our address and phone number.  Just
this phone number, not the cell phones, though.  Ok?"

Thinking about meeting his new friend's family made him nervous.  His new
boyfriend hadn't spoken about his family, and didn't seem to want to.  Must
be lots of bad news about that, for sure.  My boyfriend's family.  What a
concept.  Never had to think about anything like this before.  Weird!

"Well done, James.  Very responsible of you.  So you guys ended up staying
awake a long time last night, then?"

"Not too late.  Maybe 1 or 2am.  He gave me the most amazing massage..."
And his gaze became sort of unfocused, his mind drifting to memories of
last night.  Ali noticed that he had gone quiet, and thought to herself,
`Breakfast should help him along here...' And she went through all the
motions of preparing a weekend family breakfast with all the trimmings.
James just sat at the kitchen table, and didn't even drink from the large
tumbler of fresh OJ his Mom had put in front of him as he sat down.

"Please go tell your father that everything's ready."

"Where is he, Mom?"

"Where is he every Saturday morning, darling son of mine?"

"Oh, right.  Forgot it's Saturday.  Ok."  And James went out through the
dining room to the garage door.  Poking his head out, he shouted, "Dad!
Breakfast!"

And Ali had been right, of course.  Her husband Paul was washing his Baby,
his Precious Jewel, his deep green Jaguar.  After breakfast, he'd wax and
polish it.  As long as the temperature was above freezing, that's what he
did every Saturday morning in living memory.  He never let anybody else
touch it, except in the depths of winter.  He paid James to do the Jeep
Cherokee whenever it got too dirty, but the Jag was all his!

Paul cleaned up and was washing his hands at the kitchen sink as he said,
"So, James, where's Neung this beautiful morning?"

James blushed for no definable reason.  "Still sleeping, I think.  Thanks
for remembering his name..."

"Hey, I try to keep up with all my son's boyfriend's names!  Ummm, friend's
names.  I meant... all my son's friend's names..." He washed his hands more
furiously, almost scraping the skin off, so deep was his embarrassment at
the inadvertent slip of the tongue.

Ali's "Paul!" and James's "Whaaat???"  were spoken at exactly the same
moment.

Paul studied the pattern of the floor tiles as he dried his hands and tried
to think what he could say to retreat from this conversational precipice.

As Paul looked up, he tried to look his son in the eye, but James was
finding the floor equally fascinating.  "Look, James, I'm sorry.  I really
am.  I don't mean to push you, or pry, or make you talk about things before
you're ready.  But your mother and I already noticed that you and Sakjai
are extremely close, very good friends.  We both are really happy about
that.  We approve.  In fact, we're relieved that maybe you won't be so
alone anymore.  Your Mom and I both hope that this is the beginning of a
wonderful new adventure.  For both of you."

As James had listened to this astonishing mini-speech from his lawyer Dad,
his whole body seemed to slump into his chair.  It was as though all the
muscles in his body had released themselves at once.  The deep breath he
had been holding slowly escaped his lungs in a long sigh.

"You both know?"  He asked flatly.

Ali and Paul glanced at each other, then moved protectively to their son.
Ali softly said, "James, if you mean do we know if you're gay or bisexual,
no, we don't know for sure, of course.  Because you've not told us for
yourself either way.  But we did strongly suspect it from last night.  Your
friend obviously likes you and needs you very much.  You take care of him,
almost protect him.  We've never seen you this way with anybody else
before.  You yourself said he was cute.  You were holding hands and
touching each other a lot."

James groaned audibly and muttered, "Oh my God..."

Ali continued, "It seemed more like the way your sister and a new boyfriend
would be while visiting us.  More than just a new guy friend you met at
school. And we could hear you last night...in your room...and it didn't
seem to be just talking, hon..."

James hid his face in his hands.  He was breathing hard, his heart pounding
in his chest. In a word, panic was about to set in.

Paul and Ali decided to let him settle down a bit.  They took their
accustomed places at the table and started to share the breakfast around
the various plates and glasses and cups.  Many of the family's
"significant" conversations took place at this table.  It seemed more
natural, safer to them all, somehow.

"You want to eat your breakfast and tell us about it, dear?"  Ali asked.

James dried his eyes (they had started leaking a bit) and began to eat,
chewing his pancakes and sausage by autopilot, mostly looking down at the
plate in front of him.  Paul and Ali just kept quiet, waiting for whatever
he chose to share with them.  Eventually, James put his fork down and set
his jaw.  He looked both his parents in the eye and asked, "Are you mad at
me?"

Both parents looked puzzled, and Paul replied, "Why would we be angry with
you?"

"Well, umm...maybe cuz of what you heard from my room..."

"Oh!  You mean would we be upset if you were having sex?"

James had never blushed more violently, but he simply nodded in the
affirmative, and somewhat defiantly announced, "I love him."

Paul smiled encouragingly, and said, "We know, James.  We could tell."

James continued, "I love him more than just a friend, Dad.  I think...I
hope... we're gonna be boyfriends."

Ali was grinning too.  "Just like your sister was at your age.  Meet
somebody one day, boyfriend the next!"

"Mom, I'm serious.  I never felt like this about anybody before.  I never
knew it could be like this.  I just told you the biggest, grossest secret
about myself, and you're making a joke about it?"

Paul raised his hand in a peace-making gesture, "Whoa, Tiger, your Mom
wasn't making fun of you!  She and I both know how you feel.  We were both
young once upon a time, too, ya know!"

"Sooo, are you mad at me?"

Ali replied, "We hope that you don't rush too fast into something.  We hope
you use common sense and safe sex.  It will take me a bit of time to get
used to the idea.  But no, I don't think we're angry.  More like surprised,
I think.  You took us by surprise."

"And what about my being gay?"

Ali replied, "Look, James, I'm sorry I said that about your sister before.
I was just trying to lighten the mood, to re-assure you.  Thank you for
sharing this very important part of yourself with us.  Your Dad and I are
honored that you're telling us.  Lots of gay people never do that.  They
try and keep everything secret, and end up losing closeness with their
family."

"Ma, some families would kill a gay guy if they found out about him!  The
last three years I've known about myself.  I was sure that if anybody found
out, I'd be dead meat.  I tried to hide everything about myself.  From
everybody.  It's really scary being gay.  Until yesterday, I hated it.  I
would never have told you if Sakjai hadn't come along."

Paul matched his son's serious demeanor.  "James, you're absolutely right.
Lots of people wouldn't understand what having gay sons or daughters might
mean.  They'd make all sorts of judgements about it.  They might even abuse
or reject their own children.  People at school might be really horrible to
you, even the teachers.  Same at the Church. It happens all the time.  I
understand exactly how you felt, keeping that secret the way you felt you
had to.  I wish we had said something to you before, so you could know it
was ok with us.  We just didn't know.  Can you forgive us?"
  
"Me, forgive you?  What for?"  James was totally confused.

Paul reached over and took his son's hand and said, "For not being able to
make it easier for you than we did.  We should have been able to help you
through this better."

"Dad, I don't see how you could have.  I wasn't giving off many signals,
was I?  You're the best father a guy could have.  Really..."

Paul started to cry.  Huge gulping sobs, like James had never seen before
yesterday with Sakjai.  He was alarmed, and said, "Mom...?  What...?"

Ali was rushing around from her place at the other side of the table, and
knelt beside her husband, taking him in her arms and making soothing
noises.  She turned to James and said, "It's alright, honey.  Your Dad just
feels really sad for you right now.  He knows how lonely you must have been
all these years.  He knows how much you hated yourself for what you were
feeling inside all this time.  He's angry with himself for letting you go
through it all alone like you have been.  But he'll be fine.  Everybody
needs a little cry once in a while..."

"Dad, I didn't mean to make you sad.  I'm sorry I upset you.  I'll try
harder to make you feel proud of me.  Really, I will.  I promise.  Ok, Dad?
Dad?"  And James reached out for his father.  He was crying too.

Paul grabbed onto his son as tightly as he was holding his wife, and
gulped, "Son, I have never been prouder of anybody than I am of you right
now.  I love you so much, Jimmy...You're a wonder to me, you really are!"
James was so overcome by all the emotion in the room that he didn't even
mind his father using his old diminutive name.

"Proud of me?  What for?"

Ali spoke up; "Your Dad and I are both very proud of you for having the
courage to tell us your big secret.  For not trying to hide it any longer."
Paul nodded his agreement, wiping his eyes.

"But I didn't tell you.  I mean, you found out.  You heard us..."

Paul cleared his throat as he re-gained control of himself.  "Son, as long
as you're practicing safe sex like your mother said, I don't mind you doing
what we heard you doing.  Not that I could stop you even if I wanted to, of
course!  But I'm proud that you didn't deny it.  I'm proud you have the
guts to be open and honest in a homophobic world like this one is.  I could
never have done that with my parents.  I would have kept hiding the secret,
for sure."

James looked a little confused, and started to ask, "But, Dad, what secrets
did you ever have...?"

Just at that moment, a timid accented voice spoke up from the archway
between the kitchen and the living room.  "Is everybody sad?"

Sakjai was awake.

James leapt up from the table and embraced Sakjai like a long lost brother.
Full body hugs ensued, along with kisses right on the lips.  Sakjai began
to push his friend away. After all, they were right in front of his
parents.  But then he went with the flow and sort of melted into James's
arms, forgetting for a moment everybody else in the room.

They soon needed to take a breath.  As they did, the two love-struck teens
smiled and sank into each other's eyes.

Sakjai said, "James, I think you told to me that boys should not be kissing
each other?"  And giggled delightfully.

"Um, right.  But I just told my mother and father that we're boyfriends.
They know about us.  They say it's ok."

"Boyfriends, James?  What is this word?"

"Boyfriends...being with each other, going out together, sleeping together
like a boy and girl would, only we're both boys."

"Ah!  Pen fan-gahn...chai mai?"

"Thai again, Neung.  Think in English, please!"

"Err, yes, James.  Fan...is Thai language for a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
The same word for both.  You are not just my friend who is a boy.  You are
my boyfriend.  My fan!  Chai, mai?"

"Chai.  You're my fan, too."  James then turned to his parents, who were
still holding each other at the kitchen table, Paul crying softly as they
watched their son declare his love for the first time.  "Mom, Dad, Neung is
gonna teach me Thai, too.  We're fans now.  Boyfriends."

Sakjai was smiling like the sun.  "My James is my fan.  Excuse me Khun
Paul, Khun Ali, YOUR James is my fan now!"

Ali couldn't help herself.  "Congratulations, boys.  This is always going
to be a special day, I think.  Sakjai?  Neung?  Would you like some
breakfast?"  And gestured to the table, still piled high with food.

"Yes, please!  I am very hungry!  And you have Thai food today!  Pancakes!
Pork!  Eggs!  Nahm som...oh, sorry, orange juice!"  And he dove in, a
completely different boy than the diffident lad who pushed his meatloaf
around on the plate so unenthusiastically just the night before.  The
others joined him, of course.  Paul and Ali just had more coffee, but James
had another plate full of food, too.

"Hey, Mom!  Did you know that I'm not all that fat?  Actually, I'm really
kinda normal, so I think I can eat more of these, right?"  Both parents
were astonished.  They'd only been trying to convince their son that his
body image was distorted for about 5 years already, and here he was
announcing it like it was the News of the Day.  Well, in a way, it was.
Ali replied, "You don't say?  Well, I think I agree with you about that for
a change."

"Yeah, I only weigh 9 pounds more than this skinny Thai guy here, right
Neung?"

"Yes, James!  I am very lucky that my skinny body is perfect for you, like
you told me last night in the hong nahm when we were taking a bath!"

James added a lovely blush to his beaming smile.  "Ummm, Mom, hong nahm is
Thai for bathroom.  He was showing me some things in there last night.  I
mean, he was...umm...well..."

And Paul laughed out loud.  "Yes, I bet he was showing you a thing or two.
And what, pray tell, did you show him in return, son?"

"Awwww, Daaaaad!"

And so the breakfast wended its way to completion.


As everybody pitched in to clear the table and wash up, the phone rang.
Ali answered, and handed it to Neung.  "It's for you, dear."

Neung quietly said, "Hello?"  Nobody had ever telephoned him before, so he
was a little shy.  It was his Aunt's housekeeper, checking in.

"Yes, Nancy, I am with my friend James and his family.  I slept here last
night.  Moment, please..."  He cradled the phone in his shoulder and asked
the assembled family if he could sleep over again tonight.  James was
emphatic, "YES!"  but they both looked for permission from the parental
units.

"Neung, when is your Aunt coming home from the City?"

Sakjai relayed the question to Nancy, and replied, "Khun Paul, Nancy is not
sure.  Maybe tomorrow, maybe Monday or Tuesday.  Do you want me to call to
her in New York City?"

"No, that's all right, son.  As long as we talk to her when she gets back,
I think that'll be fine.  Sound ok with you, Ali my love?"  His wife nodded
agreement.  James beamed.  Sakjai politely said good- bye to Nancy and hung
up the phone.

Ali went into mother mode.  "Neung, are you wearing the same clothes you
had on yesterday?"

"Yes, Khun Alison...Very sorry..." with a blush.

"Did you sleep in them last night, too?"

The blush got deeper and seemed to spread to James.  "No, Kuhn Alison..."

"Well, what did you sleep in then?...oh...I see..Never mind..." And it was
her own turn to become scarlet.  Paul laughed, delighted that his family
could bare all like this.

The boys agreed that they would transport all Sakjai's books and papers
back to his Aunt's house and trade them for pants, shirts, shorts,
underwear, and the other necessities of life for the next couple of days.
And, putting their shoes on by the garage door, off they traipsed.

The house was suddenly very quiet. Paul and Ali became pensive as they
sipped their third mug of coffee of the morning.  "Well, wife, our son and
heir seems to have grown up all of a sudden."

"Yeah.  Makes me feel old, a little.  Even though Chris is three years
older than he is, I don't recall her ever declaring her love for any boy
the way James did this morning.  This doesn't feel like a passing fling to
me, Paulie."

"Nope.  I agree.  Even though you were right when you pointed out to James
that he had just met Neung yesterday.  What's with the two names, now,
anyhow?  Which one should we call him?"

"They seem to use them equally and interchangeably, Paul.  Let's just do
the same."  Then she changed the subject.  "Paul, while we have the house
to ourselves, how about we talk about your mini- breakdown?"

Paul looked embarrassed, but replied, "Ok.  What about it?"

"How do you feel about James coming out of the closet with such a big bang?
I mean, way down deep.  What were the tears all about?"

"Well, like I said...it was like I was feeling all his loneliness and
isolation and guilt and self-hate.  I suddenly realized why he was so
withdrawn and introverted the past few years.  It was like I was feeling it
myself.  It was that clear to me.  It was awful..."

"Paul, can I tell you something?"

"I know you when you get that tone of voice...I'm going to hear it whether
I want to or not!  What?"

"Be careful that you don't confuse all HIS pain and anguish with what you
remember about your own, ok?  He needs you to be his father, not his twin."

"What do you mean?"

"You know very well what I mean.  He has problems and issues that aren't
similar to what yours were when you were his age.  He's different than you
were.  Don't forget it."

"Ok, maybe you're right about that.  Perhaps I was a little too quick to
identify with everything I thought he was going through.  I'll work on
that."

"Another thing, Paul.  You were so happy for him this morning that you
outed him yourself, right in the kitchen.  You outed him without asking me
about it, without preparing him in any way at all.  It was BAM!  Right
between his eyes.  You hit him with his own biggest secret and his fiercest
emotions.  We were very lucky he handled it all so well, and rose to the
occasion so magnificently."

"What did I do wrong, Ali?  I don't get it!  I thought I was being
supportive!"

"You were, of course.  But a lot of freight can go over the same tracks.
His pain isn't the same as yours was.  His love and self-discovery now is
not going to make up for your past trauma.  Just let him share his own pain
and his own happiness with us, in his own time.  Don't force him out of any
more closets before he volunteers.  And don't be jealous of his love and
happiness, for God's sake!"

"Huh?  Me, jealous of James?"

"Yeah.  His feelings are his own.  You're already jealous that he has
something now that you only dreamed of when you were his age.  Go ahead and
enjoy his happiness, husband o' mine.  But remember one thing. Your
memories and your past problems won't be resolved by trying to live through
your son's life now.  Let him enjoy his first love on his own, in his own
way."

"I feel guilty, but I'm not sure why, hon. Tell me if you think I'm doing
it again, ok?"

"You can count on it, Paul.  For sure!  I also think this might have
something to do with Dennis.  Talk to me about that some more if you need
to."

Paul went white, and his eyes misted over with painful memories.  "I
haven't thought about Dennis in soo long, Ali.  Why are you bringing him up
like this?"

"Because I think your memories of Dennis might get in the way of being a
good father to a gay son and his new boyfriend."  She waited for her
husband to react.

"Ali, I don't see how that could be possible.  It hurts so much to hear
that name after all these years..."

"Ok, husband.  Maybe I'm being too pushy now myself.  Tell me to back off
when you need to.  But keep thinking about this.  It might be important."

Paul heaved a huge sigh, from the very depths of his being.  "Alright.  I
never thought I'd have to go there again.  But...if you think I need to..."

"Good.  Now, you wanna come help me with the shopping?  Or do you want to
get started on the lawn and the other outside stuff?"  Paul felt
immediately better now that they were back on familiar ground.  They
decided who would do what in the household maintenance department, and Ali
went off planning to raid the oriental section of the local food store to
see what she could russle up for a somewhat Thai-style dinner.




Meanwhile, James and his new fan Sakjai had reached what the Thai boy
referred to as his Aunt's house.  "How come you never call this your house,
too, Neung?"

"Because it is NOT my house, James.  I only live here as a guest, because
my Aunt said I could stay."

It was a pleasant house; two story, with somewhat modern angles and lines
to it.  The plants and trees all looked trim and trained, everything in its
place.  They approached the imposing wooden front door, and it opened as if
by magic.  A middle-aged Latin looking woman answered the door.  She wore
an old fashioned blue and white maid's outfit.  James tried not to stare,
but it looked to him like a costume, something out of the 50's or 60's.

"Good morning, Sakjai.  Is this your friend?"

"Yes, Nancy, this is James.  I brought him to show you that I am fine, and
to get some more clothes.  I will stay at James's house until my Aunt comes
back."  Sakjai wasn't asking permission, really.  He was simply making an
announcement.  James wasn't used to a kid talking to an adult like that.
He wasn't being rude, he was just self-assured and in charge.  Nancy smiled
and asked if she could help.  The Thai youth said they could handle it.
And that was that.

They were now in a large formal living room.  It looked like a museum, a
rich mix of antique and modern pieces from both East and West.  James was
impressed, but he was nervous about touching anything.  Sakjai asked Nancy
to bring them some ice water, and led James up the carpeted staircase that
curved upward and to the left.  He gestured James into the first room he
came to at the top of the stairs.  It was about the same size as James's
own, but it looked bigger.  That was because there wasn't much in it.
Nothing like homey touches.  It had a double bed with a generic muted tone
bedspread, a bureau, the requisite mirrors and other bedroom standard
features.  Everything seemed to be beige and white and blonde wood tones.
There wasn't anything personal, nothing that smacked of a young boy
inhabiting the space.  It looked a little like an up-scale hotel room.
James began to realize what his new boyfriend was talking about.

Nancy knocked on the door and delivered big goblets of cold water and some
cookies on a silver plate.  Then she left with only a smile and a nod,
closing the door behind her.

James was on the bed as Sakjai moved around the room, unpacking, sorting,
and packing again.  "Jeez, she really IS a maid, huh?"

"She's nice, James.  She comes from the Philippines, but she has lived here
for a very long time.  I think she has a husband, but no children."

"What does she do all day?  Do you talk to her?"

"Sometimes.  But she works here, James.  She is not a friend.  So we don't
talk like friends talk.  She is not the friend of my Aunt, the same."

"So, like, who DID you talk to while you were here?"

"James, I already told you.  I talked to nobody."  He then shrugged, sort
of helplessly, and continued, "Until yesterday.  Now, I have you."

"But, what about the TV, a stereo, a computer, some books or games,
anything like that?"  James was scanning the room, seeing nothing vaguely
resembling those things.

"No, James.  I had my homework books and papers.  Things to practice my
English.  Nothing else."

James was astonished at the barren landscape Sakjai was describing so
simply and starkly.  "So you didn't have anything to do, and nobody to talk
to.  What about your Aunt?  You talk to her, right?"

Neung gestured around the room, and managed to indicate that he included
the whole house.  "She is not here often, James."

"How often?"

"I have been in America for 6 weeks.  My Aunt has been here for 7 nights
only.  She comes when she has, how you say, turr-ah...errands...things she
must do here in Middleboro."

"So how often have you gone down to the City with her, Neung?  What kind of
place does she have down there?  Whaddaya do when you're down there with
her?  That must be fun, right?"

Neung showed a faint ghost of a smile as he said, "I have never gone there
with her, James.  She never invited me to go.  It would be rude for me to
ask.  I do not really know her."

James was suddenly depressed.  Shit, what a life Sakjai had.  Or rather,
what a life he had NOT had.  Suddenly something else occurred to him.  He
was stunned at the thought of everything else he didn't know about his
boyfriend.

"Sakjai, what's your last name?"

"Last name?  You mean my family name, James?"

The American youth nodded.

"You might laugh, James.  Thai family names are not like American names.
Mine is Tamtongwannapon."

James heard the five syllables sort of wash over him, but he hadn't caught
them.  "Huh?"

"You see, James, I told you.  Not similar.  Yours is easy, very short.  La
Roq.  I like it.  Mine, you will have to study.  Say after me...Tam..."

James felt like a parrot as he repeated, "Tam..."

"Tong...WAH...na...pon..."

"Yes, James.  Now say it all together."  He smiled encouragingly, so James
tried.  He got it right on only the third try.
"Tamtongwannapon...wow...what a handle!  Thank God your first name is
easier!"  They laughed together.

"Sakjai, what's your Aunt's name?"

"Oh, James!  You already want to try another strange name?"

"Yeah, sure I do.  I want to know everything about you!"

"Alright, James.  My Aunt's name is Khunying Naphalai Vejjajiva.  Can you
say that now?"  And he giggled at the gob-smacked look on James's face.

"Couldn't be something like Mary Jones, I suppose, could it?"

"No James.  Repeat after me..." And James tried valiantly.  He got it right
eventually.

And then he asked, "Hey, why does your Aunt have three names and you have
two?  What's the deal with that?"

"Khunying isn't really a name, James.  It is a, err...I do not know what
this word is in English..."

And the two youths yelled in unison, "Dictionary!!"

That all-important book had already been packed along with extra clothes
and such, so it took a moment to lay hands on it, but they did.

Neung leafed through the Thai squiggles in the front half of the
Dictionary, and said, "Khunying...is a title, James.  Not a name, a title.
Do you understand?"

"A title?  You mean like a Duke or a Duchess or something like that?"

James had to look up those terms and show Sakjai the Thai equivalents.
"Ah, James, I see what you mean.  No, not that big a title.  Khunying is
below what you said, but higher than Khun...higher than us..."

They leafed through the dictionary some more, and finally decided that
Neung's Aunt was like a Lady or a Dame would be in England.  James said,
"Wow, cool!  Lady Naphalai...Is she like royalty, or something?"

More dictionary work ensued, but the reply was not really.  Honorifics are
given because of marriage or service performed to Crown or country.  Sakjai
said, "James, I have never really thought about all this very much, you
know.  Khunying Naphalai is the sister of my father.  I never knew any of
my father's relatives."  The words were spoken before he realized that he
had embarked on dangerous territory.  He looked down at the floor, hoping
that James wouldn't notice.

But of course, James did notice.  "You don't know any of your father's
family?  Why not?"
 
"My father died."

"Jeez, I'm sorry about that.  Was it a long time ago?"

"No.  He died last year.  But I did not know him."  Struggling to tell the
truth about all this, afraid that his new boyfriend would find it all too
strange and ruin everything, Neung kept looking at the floor as he answered
James's questions.

"You didn't know him?  So he and your Mom got divorced a long time ago?"

"No, James.  Not exactly..."

"They weren't divorced?  Oh, must be like us Catholics, then. They were,
like, permanently separated?"

"No, James.  My father always had another wife...another family..." And he
started crying.

James was next to Neung on the bed in a heartbeat.  He didn't quite
understand what was wrong, but it sounded pretty bad.  James put his arms
around Neung, but couldn't help asking for more information.

"Your father had another family?  So he didn't live with you and your Mom,
then?"

"No, James, he never did.  He visited my mother sometimes, and he paid for
things.  He was a rich man, an important person, but not for me...never for
me..." And he kept on softly crying.

James thought about what he had just heard.  No wonder Sakjai seemed so
lost.

"But, Sakjai, what about your Mom?  Why aren't you still with her, just cuz
your father died?  I mean, since he didn't live with you anyway..."

"James, she found another man.  A man who would marry her and be a proper
husband for her.  I had to leave..."

"But why?  Wouldn't your mother fight for you and make her new husband
understand that you love each other?"  James couldn't imagine his own
mother letting some new man in her life make her son leave.  It just wasn't
possible.

"She loved the new man more than me, James.  I never made her happy.  She
was never happy with me.  She made me leave.  I am not important to
her...not important to anybody..."

"Well, you're sure as shit important to me!  You got that?"  James's hug
became fierce and possessive.

"Yes, James, I can feel it.  Your family is very good for you.  You are
very lucky.  I hope I can make you happy..."

"You DO make me happy.  I love you.  My family will never make you sad, I
promise.  I promise with all my heart, Sakjai."

"I will try and remember, James.  I can hold on to you.  Maybe I can hold
on to your family also."
 
"Count on it.  You can.  I promise."

Sakjai was able to stop the waterworks eventually, and he did hold on.
They both did.  And soon, the Thai boy said, "James, can we go back to your
house now?  I do not like this place very much..." He hadn't even bothered
to change out of the clothes he had on.  James suddenly had an incongruous
image of the blue J-Press briefs his fan must be still wearing; despite
being crusty from their sexual play the night before.  How strange to know
something that intimate about another person.  But out loud, he replied:

"You can say that again, bro!  Let's blow this joint!"  Neung knew neither
of these cliche expressions, but got the meaning in context as they left
with no further ado.  Neither of them looked like they cared if they ever
went back.  As they closed the door on the guest bedroom, it didn't look as
though anybody had ever been there, anyhow.


End of Part 11
"Holding On For Dear Life"
alienist_hk@yahoo.com  

"Alienist" was the first professional term used for psychiatrists and
psychologists in the 1890's.  These pioneering scientists were thought to
be working with people who were `alienated' from themselves and from
society.  Pretty good term still today, I think.  What do YOU think?