Date: Mon, 12 Nov 2001 08:13:44 -0800 (PST)
From: The Journeyman <thejourneyman200@yahoo.com>
Subject: CHAPTER 20:  Journey of Love

The standard disclaimers apply. Do not read if you are under 18, if it is
illegal for you to, or if you are offended by boys engaging in consentual
sex. Otherwise, enjoy.


			      Journey Of Love
				Chapter 20

You know how you gotta do something and you think it's going to be the
worst thing in the world.  Like, admit you hit the baseball that went
though someone's window, and then instead of them getting mad they laugh
and say, "Good hit!"  That's what's happening to me.  My lover is reading
this journal.  And instead of getting all mad, he's laughing and crying in
all the right spots, and he says he's falling even more in love with me.
Ha.  Can you believe that?

Now, as to why it's taking so long.  This is hard.  My lover may like it,
but I don't.  My counselor keeps insisting it will help.  I want to know
when.  I have so much fear and uncertainty.  School has started, and I have
trouble facing it.  I get stronger, and my lover is by my side.  And I have
a great week, then a bad day, and all I can dwell on is that bad day.

At least I have those weeks.  They used to be just moments.  They've
stretched into weeks, because my lover and his family have never wavered.

And that's why.  It takes soo long to get through this.


That night we sat down with Mr. Shaw.  We were scared.  And after that talk
with Mrs. Shaw, there was no way we were going to relieve each other's
tension, if you know what I mean.

But it went okay.  I mean, it wasn't okay, but, like, he didn't get mad or
anything.  He wanted to know about our feelings.  He wanted to know if we
were sure.  And then he asked.

"Have you boys been having sex?"

We just looked at the floor.

"I guess that means yes.  Look, I'll be honest.  I don't think it's a good
idea.  I think 15 is too young.  But I have to admit that it's only been
since I've been a father that I think it's too young.  There was a time
when I didn't think so."

Neither of us could look at him.  I mean, he was doing a pretty good job
and all, but...jeez.

"And 25 years ago it wasn't quite so complicated.  We didn't have HIV and
AIDS and all that.  So it's time for the safety lecture."

And we got it.  All the big words.  None of the common ones.  Penis instead
of cock.  Anus instead of asshole (well, there's one time when the "polite"
word is shorter).  Testicles, intercourse, oral stimulation, penetration,
condom, lubrication.  My, my, he'd done his homework.  I wondered if he
could give us the sites he'd looked up.  Maybe they had pictures.

"Here's the deal guys," he said.  "We're not going to be sex police.  I
wish you wouldn't have sex.  I wish you wouldn't have much sex if you do
have sex.  And if you do, please keep it discreet.

"One more thing, boys.  Charlie's going to ask questions.  You have to
decide how much you're going to tell him.  And that might create some
problems, too.  He's getting to the age where he's going to start dating
girls . . . well, um, probably dating girls.  If he knows you guys are
having sex, he's going to ask why it isn't okay for him to have sex.  It
would make my job easier if -- well, you know."

We promised we'd be discreet.  But he noticed we did not promise to lay off
the sex.

"I guess the last thing is safety."

"You already covered that, dad," Danny said.  "We know about condoms and
not having sex with other people."

"I don't mean that kind of safety.  I mean your personal safety.  The
word's going to get out that you are gay.  It may just start as a rumor,
but rumor is reality to most people.  Try not to let anyone else know.  I
know you'll do that.  But when the word gets out -- and I'm almost positive
it will -- it may not be pleasant.  Keep in shape, and help each other out.
Watch out for each other.  I think the other guys will help you.  You know,
I'm going to have to get used to this.  I'm still a little -- ummm --
shocked, I guess.  That's not really the right word. I'm not sure just what
the right word is.  `Disappointed' is NOT the right word.  Anyway, even
though I'm not quite used to it, I want you both to know that I love you.
You can always come to me for help."

When it was all over, we just looked at each other.

"It's not much of a secret any more," Danny said.

"Should it be?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

"For the reasons my dad said.  I mean, I don't mind the guys knowing, and
Becky knowing, and mom and dad knowing, but what mom said was right.  With
that many people, It's bound to get out sooner or later."

"I trust the guys," I said.

"I do, too.  But look.  Remember when Richie was smoking pot with those
guys?  Remember how mad he was?  What if he had just spilled the beans once
when he was high?  He could have slipped just one and BOOM!  Our secret's
out.  I know they wouldn't tell anyone on purpose.  But what if they just
slip?"

"Then more people will know, and we'll have to deal with it."

"I'm not good at dealing with things.  I wanna play basketball and have fun
in high school," he said.

"Are you ashamed of us?"

"No!"

"Sounds like you are.  It sounds like you want to love me and me to love
you, but you're ashamed of it."

"I'm just a little scared, that's all."

"All?  Look, you started this."

"I did not. You were the one sucking my toes at the swimming hole and
getting off doing it."

"You're the one who sucked me off in your bedroom and told me you had
always loved me."

"I had always loved you," he said.  "I had fantasized about doing that."

"So all this has been just you fulfilling your little fantasy?"

"No, Justin.  I hasn't been.  When you shoved me in the dirt and called me
a faggot -- that wasn't part of the fantasy.  And you getting hurt -- that
wasn't either.  And this -- this isn't either.  I do love you, Justin," he
said with tears in his eyes.  "I love you more than anything in this world.
It is a deep love that makes my heart hurt.  I want to be inside of you --
not like when we make love, but I mean really inside of you.  I want to
feel what you feel.  I want to know everything about you."

"You already do."

"No, I don't.  Because even though we've spent almost every day of our
lives together, we are different. And I want to know everything.  I love
you, Justin.  I'm not ashamed.  I'm scared.  But I'm not ashamed."

His face was wet with tears, and I went over to him and kissed him till he
was almost dry.  We stayed cuddled like that on the couch till we heard the
back door slam.  It was Charlie.

"Hey, guys, dad wants to take us to a ballgame over in . . . holy shit,
Danny, are you okay?"

Charlie had caught us by surprise.  Danny was quickly trying to wipe away
his tears.

"Yeah, I'm fine, Charlie."

"What did you do to him?" Charlie asked, glaring at me.

"It wasn't . . . I didn't.  I mean, it's not what . . ."  I was at a loss.

"Why's he crying?  Why are you crying, Danny?"

"It's nothing.  I'll explain later."

"Explain now."

"I can't."

Why?"

I was staying out of this.  It was between two brothers.  But then again,
it wasn't.  It was really between three brothers.  There was no question in
my mind that Charlie was my brother.  If Danny was, Charlie certainly was.
He was at breakfast every time I was.  He was in the next bedroom when I
was sleeping in Danny's bed.  He was at all the birthday parties and I was
at all of his.  Sometimes he was a pest, sometimes he was an ally,
sometimes he was nowhere to be found.  And from what I could see of the
others in the group, that's exactly what a brother was.  He was also, in
Charlie's case, someone I knew I could depend on.

"Because we don't know if you want to know," I said.  Danny looked at me.

"Want to know what?"

"Justin . . ." Danny said.  I looked at him, a piercing, long, unblinking
look.  I tried to tinge it with love and concern.  I tried to tell him
through my eyes that getting it all done at once was probably for the best.

"Charlie, have your mom and dad come here if they can."

"What's this all about?" he asked.

"Ask them if they can come here," Danny said.

In a flash, Charlie was back with his dad.

"Mom's busy.  She said Dad could handle this.  Handle what?"

"Sit down, Charlie, this may take a while," Mr. Shaw said.

And we began to tell him.  We started off by just saying we were gay.
Mr. Shaw did a great job of explaining what that meant.  He did it better
than we could have.  He had a real calming effect on Charlie, and a neat
way of explaining it.  He said it was a word used to describe a special
type of love -- one between two people of the same sex.  He said he hadn't
explained it when he and Charlie had had "the talk" because he didn't know
much about it at the time, and it didn't seem important.  He said Danny and
I had that kind of love for each other.  Charlie asked what caused it.
Mr. Shaw said there was no "cause," it wasn't a disease, and to answer his
question before he asked it, no, Charlie could not catch it from us.
Charlie gave him a dirty look at that.

"I'm smarter than that," he said.  "But I do want to know one thing.  I
know you said there was no cause, but did they become gay because Justin
and Danny have slept together so much?"

"No, Charlie, I don't believe that's why they fell in love.  But don't ask
me why.  They're the only ones who can say for sure why.

"Don't you love him, Charlie?"  Danny asked.

"Well, yeah, but like I love you.  And I'm sorry, but, yuck!  I don't love
you like that."

The four of us laughed at that.  "I fell in love with him because he
fills something in my heart," Danny said, choosing his words carefully.
"He makes me feel complete.  I'm happier when I'm around him, and I don't
ever want to be away from him.  It hurts.  He understands about me.  He
makes me happy. "

"How long has that happened?"

"Since I was six.  But I didn't really realize it until about a year or so
ago."

Charlie looked at me.

"How could I NOT love someone back who loves me like that?"  I said simply.

Actually, it was a lot more complicated than that.  Danny was so sure of
his love for me.  And, I mean, I was sure of mine for him, but not why.
Was it really that simple?  If so, it seems a pretty flimsy foundation to
build a relationship on.  I knew in my heart what Danny had done for me.  I
knew logically that he was a spiritual and emotional rock.  I knew he
fulfilled a physical need -- a need I hadn't realized existed until one
warm spring day, but which had grown into a roaring, burning rage of
desire.  Can something even be spiritually logical?  So why was I
hesitating?  Why did I think I needed to explain it simply?

Because as fearful as Danny was of physically outing ourselves, I was
afraid of outing myself to myself.  I was afraid of taking that last step.
If I said it out loud, if I told Charlie the reasons I loved Danny, the
words would make it so.  Spending the emotion to put it into words, and
then hearing myself say those words would seal my love, explain it all, and
make it so.  Amen.

I was afraid of that.  I had love at home, but no demonstration of it.  My
parents were so caught up in themselves and their ongoing fight that I was
merely a respite.  I had committed my life to loving them, and all they
gave me in return was their fight.  The anger was not directed at me, but
it wasn't directed away from me, either.  They didn't protect me from it,
and if they truly loved me they would have.  So my love for them was not
returned.  As much as I tried, I could not have their full love back.

What if that happened now?  What if I gave my love to Danny?  Would he
always give it back?  I'm sure my folks ooh'ed and ahhh'ed over me when I
was a baby, and took loving care of me.  Somewhere they stopped.  I was
sure at that moment that Danny loved me with every molecule of his being.
But maybe he would stop.  My hesitation was a hedge against that.  And
right now I couldn't do anything about it.

Fortunately, at that very moment, nothing more needed to be said.  It was
enough for Charlie.  He sat thinking for a moment.

"Have you guys had sex?"

"Charlie," Mr. Shaw said quickly, "that's much too personal.  You don't
need an answer to that."

But I knew Charlie.  He figured he'd gotten his answer.

Mr. Shaw explained about the prejudice society holds against homosexuals.
He explained how we could not talk about this to anyone else, and the
decision about who to tell was strictly up to Danny and myself.

I was fucking drained.  The whole discussion took more than half an hour.
We' been up late the night before at the party, we'd come out to Danny's
mom, his dad and his brother, we were exhausted, emotionally spent, and I,
for one, was hornier than hell.

"What Charlie came to tell you before all this got started, was that I was
going to take you guys to the football game at Casselton College tonight,
if you'd like to go," Mr. Shaw said.  Casselton College was a small college
in a town about 30miles away.  They had a fantastic football team that
always won the conference and usually made it a long way into the national
championship playoffs.  Not NCAA Division I, but pretty damn good.  But
tonight I knew I couldn't.  I had to go home.  I had to get some rest.  I
wouldn't enjoy it at all.  Not tonight.

"No, thanks, dad," Danny said.  "It's been a pretty busy weekend so far."

"Can you still take me, dad?" Charlie asked.

"Sure.  It'll just be you and me."

Mr. Shaw and Charlie left.  Mrs. Shaw gave us some snacks.  Then I went
home.  I mowed the lawn, and then my dad and I cleaned the garage.  It was
nice being with him.  I'd been spending a lot of time with Danny and on
school work, trying to keep up.  I hadn't paid much attention to the folks.
But then, they didn't really pay much attention to me.  When my dad asked
me how I was doing, I gave him a medical report, not a psychology report.
I didn't know if I would ever tell him I was gay and in love with a boy.

We had dinner as a family that night.  Fall was definitely here so I put on
a jacket and went outside after dinner.  Saturday evenings in the fall in
my hometown were wonderful.  Even better was to go out to a small state
park about 10 miles out of town, build a campfire and roast marshmallows.
As the air got colder on a crisp, clear fall evening, the fire got more
inviting.  We'd inch closer to the flames as they mellowed into glowing
embers and look up at the stars.  My town isn't very big, but it does have
street lights that make the stars dim.  At the park, where it was dark, the
stars made the sky seem milky.  Now I longed to go there again with the
guys, and wrap my arms around Danny and hold him against me, his back to my
chest as we sit on the chilly ground next to the fire.

Richie was already outside, raking leaves in the dark, working off his
perpetual energy.  He put down his rake as I strolled over.

"Hi, Justin," he said.

"Hi, Richie.  Nice night."

"Yep.  And it was a great party last night.  You get any more sleep?"

"Yeah."

"I couldn't sleep.  I fixed that fence over there, then I rearranged my
room."

"Again?  You rearrange it so much it's a wonder you know where anything
is. Don't you bump into the furniture when you get up at night to go to the
bathroom?"

He laughed.  "Nah.  I have a nightlight."  And we both laughed at that.

Greg came out of the house pulling a sweatshirt over his head.

"Hey, guys.  Nice night.  What did you guys do today?"

"Not much," I said.  "Caught up on sleep, mowed the lawn, cleaned the
garage with dad.  Pretty uneventful."  Well, it was almost the truth.

Danny joined us next, followed immediately by Kyle.

"Hi, bud," he said to me.  He came up and put his arm around my waist.

"Hi, Danny."  Everyone said hi to him and Kyle.

"So what did everyone do today?"  Kyle asked.  Richie and I sort of giggled
cuz we'd answered that one already.

"Justin and I came out to my parents," Danny said nonchalantly.  I stared
at him.

"Wow," Kyle said.  "How'd that go?

"It went fine.  They both suspected already.  They are okay with it."

"You didn't tell me that," Richie said to me.

"Well, I wasn't sure how Danny felt about it.  Besides, they were his
parents -- he should tell you."  What a lame excuse.  Truth was, I was
tired talking about being gay.  I had had enough for the day.

Kyle said, "Hey, Justin.  I'm going out to Becky's tomorrow.  She wanted me
to ask if you'd like to come along."

Danny looked at me.  "Go ahead, Justin.  I've got a ton of stuff to do
around the house for mom and dad."

So I said I'd go.  We shot the breeze a little more, then as the courthouse
clock struck 11 we all went home.  You can hear the courthouse clock if the
wind is blowing the right way.  Actually, there was no wind that night, but
the air had a snap of cold in it that helped sounds carry forever.  Three
freight trains passed through the town while we were talking (I love
trains) and I could hear their whistles blow at the grade crossing a mile
east of town.  A perfect night.  Made even more perfect by the night-long
silence in our house.  No fights.  Nothing to wake me from my sleep
burrowed under a comforter in my room.  Even though I spent a lot of nights
at Danny's, and even though I loved him, and even though I wanted to feel
him next to me, this was my room.  My place, with my stuff.  It was where I
was supposed to sleep until I left home.  It had my things in it, and my
bed.  I had a right to a night's sleep.

Sunday Kyle and I went to Becky's farm.  The sun seemed to be extra yellow
that day -- giving a golden cast to the Midwest countryside.  We helped
bail hay, except I didn't last as long as I usually did.  I was still
recovering from the accident.  But I knew I was getting stronger.  When I
got tired, Becky's brother brought me back from the field in an old, beat
up pick-up, and let me drive.  I'd done it a couple of times before.  It's
not easy driving across a harvested field.  You bounce and bump along over
the furrows left from spring planting and the wheel tries to jerk out of
your hands.  But I managed to hold it steady, and I was grinding the gears
less and less.  When we got back I helped with some chores around the barn.

There's nothing like fried chicken on a farm.  Mashed potatoes, gravy,
green beans, bread and lemon merengue pie for dessert.  Becky's mom is a
wonderful cook, and they made us stay for dinner since we'd helped during
the day.  We got done early -- on Sunday dinner comes about 4:00.  The sun
was getting low, and Kyle and Becky slipped out the kitchen door.  I helped
Becky's mom clear the table, then just sat as she did the dishes.  We
chatted about something or other until Becky's brother came in.

"You guys ready to go home?  I'll drive you into town.  I'm going to a
movie anyway."

"Yeah, sure.  I'll go see if I can find Becky and Kyle."

I walked out the kitchen door and let the screen slam a little louder than
normal to let them know someone was coming out.  I poked around the farm
yard, but couldn't find them.  Then I went back behind the barn, and there
they were, sitting on the fence, Kyle's arm around Becky.  The fence where
Becky and I had made out, and she figured out I wasn't . . . normal.

"Jim's gonna take us back into town, Kyle," I said.  There was straw in
their clothes, so I knew they hadn't been on that fence all along.  But I
also knew they had only been kissing -- there hadn't been time for much
else.  How unfair, I thought.  Kyle and Becky were in love -- or nearly so,
at least -- and all they could do was kiss.  Heck, they were expected to
kiss.  But no sex.  Danny and I were in love, and having sex regularly. We
could have it, but they couldn't.  I knew Mr. and Mrs. Shaw had to figure
we were having sex, but they hadn't forbade it.  If Danny had been serious
about a girl instead of me, he'd have gotten the abstinence lecture.  Our
love was forbidden, but we were free to have sex.  Becky and Kyle's love
was accepted, but they could not have sex.  Too much for my feeble brain.

I woke up about 2:30 that morning to more screaming.  I slipped on a jacket
and shoes and stole out of the house, across the street to Danny's.  The
door was locked.  I put my hand into the hiding place for the key, and
there it was.  Better than a security blanket on a night like this.  I
quietly opened the door, returned the key and closed the door behind me as
I went in.  Down the dark hall to Danny's room.  I stripped off my jacket
and my boxers and slid naked into bed next to him.  In his sleep he rolled
over me, put his arm around me and held me till I drifted off.

School that week was uneventful.  I was working out after school, still
building my strength.  Mr. Daniels, the baseball coach, had me doing some
stuff for him.  He couldn't meet with the players himself because of the
state athletic rules.  But I could.  I got some of the guys together now a
few times and we worked on some strength routines.  Danny had started
basketball practice, and Richie was done with cross country.

I had slept at Danny's Wednesday night, but was home Thursday night, and
went to bed at my house Friday.

One Friday in late October, we had a day off from school.  A teacher's
in-service day or something.  It was a spectacularly warm day -- brilliant
sun, warm breeze and freedom.  Everything a teenager in my town could want.
We didn't usually get days like this in October Danny and I grabbed our
bikes and decided to head up to the swimming hole -- the one where I had
sucked his toes that started this whole thing.  We got up there about 10:30
in the morning.  Danny brought sandwiches and chips, I brought pop and
cookies.  We splashed in the water and had lunch.  Then we stretched out on
the warm rocks and drifted off.  This time, though, we were snuggled
against each other in an embrace.

But rocks aren't very comfortable and I didn't sleep much.  I slipped out
of Danny's arms and sat up watching him.  His summer tan had mostly faded,
but he was a gorgeous as ever.  He'd been working out for basketball.  His
waist was slender, his smooth stomach was flat, and his hairless pecs were
perfectly shaped.  But he didn't bulge.  Well, between his legs he did a
little, but he wasn't muscle-bound.  He was gorgeous, that's all.

I laid down next to him and licked his big toe.  Not being ticklish, he
didn't move.  I stuck my tongue in between his toes and tasted him.  His
feet still turned me on. Enormously.  I licked up and down the arch and
across the ball.  I licked along the base of his toes, then down to the
heel which I nibbled.  I freed my hardening cock from its confines and
attacked his other foot with vigor.  He began to stir, but this time I
didn't stop.  Heel to toes, I licked, sucked and nipped.  He rolled onto
his back and stretched. He even stretched his feet so his toes splayed out.
I moved up over him and kissed him full on the mouth, rubbing my thumbs
across his small nipples.  He grabbed my bare butt and kneaded it as I
ground my hardness into his.  He pushed up against me and I reluctantly
broke the kiss.

My hands moved to undo the snap on his cutoffs and I pulled them off his
legs, pausing to plant a kiss on each sole.  We were naked, under the
brilliant October sun, lips locked together, hands exploring each other as
if we'd just discovered the other's body.  Our breathing was heated.  Danny
laid me down on my back.  He sat up and scootched between my legs.  Then he
lifted my left foot and kissed each toe.  Little toe to big toe, then the
right foot, big toe to little toe.  Pre-cum dripped onto my belly.  He
leaned over me, and I jumped from the thrill as his cock touched mine.  He
lifted my glasses off and laid them on a rock near by.  Then he pulled me
into a sitting position, stood, and pulled me up with him.  Arms around
each other, we kissed again, our slippery cocks making their own love.  My
hands moved to his butt, and I found his hole. He moaned into my mouth and
almost made me cum right then.  I played with him, teasing his prcious bud
with my fingers.

He pulled me over to the water's edge, then jumped in.  I did too, but as
soon as I did he climbed out.  So I followed him.  He lay down, and pulled
his knees up to his chest.  The water was to be our lube.  I pushed against
him, he pushed back, and with only a little effort, I was in.

But I did nothing.  We stayed like that, not moving.  Reveling in each
others' body.  There was an aura of love in the place, where it started.
I'd always thought Danny's blow job on me was the beginning.  He was the
one who told me he loved me -- wanted sex with me.  But it was really me.
I was always wondering whether I was really gay.  Was I gay to please
Danny?  That was the question in my mind.  But no.  I had made the first
move.  I had licked Danny's toes as he lay sleeping.  True, I didn't make
him cum, but I made myself cum.  And it wasn't over a girl, it was over
Danny.  I was at peace finally.

"What?" Danny asked.

I just looked at him.

"You got a funny look on your face," he said.

"I did?"

"Yeah. Kind of, I dunno, not like you usually look when you're going to
fuck me.  A real satisfied look, like you usually get when you're done."

"I just figured out something," I said.

"What?"

"That I've loved you forever."

The smile vanished.  He got serious.  And then a tear slipped from his eye.

"Make love to me, Justin.  Please."

And I did.  We climbed out and lay on rocks and they hurt.  It wasn't
soft.  But it was loving, and slow.  I held his feet as I worked in and out
of him.  But I didn't want to take too long.  My lover was lying on a flat
rock, and me knees were on the same rock.  I know they say making love
outdoors is erotic, but it's also sorta inconvenient.  This was out spot,
though, and it deserved to be honored.  I slid all the way in, then back
out.  We did that for a while, slow strokes, until my need became urgent.
I began moving faster.  I couldn't help it.  The breath caught in my
throat.  My strength was almost all returned and because of our, um,
exercises, I had my stamina back.  My balls ached for release and it seemed
like my cockhead itched.  I slammed in and out of him, trying to hit the
magic spot inside.  I took his cock with on hand and pumped him.

"Come on, lover.  I'm almost ready," I said.  "Cum with me."

He grunted with each stroke into him.  I wanted to satisfy us both, but by
god I was cumming.

"C'mon, Danny," I panted.  "NOW!"

I erupted into him, and amazingly his own cock shot a rope of sweet white
boycream out of it.  I hated to waste it, but I let this one splash onto
him.  The next one, I aimed his cock to the side and let the white juice
cascade onto the rock.  I pulled out of him as another spasm it my cock and
I moved so my cum would mix with his on this sacred place.

I lay back down next to him and we kissed.  For a long time.  Till we
drifted off to sleep again.

We woke up stiff from the hard ground, and we realized what a risk we had
taken.  We weren't the only ones who knew about this place.  We'd made love
in a spot that lots of people might have visited on a day like this.  And
we'd slept naked.  When we realized it, we hurriedly got dressed, pulled
our shoes on, and started back down the bike path.

We came upon a runner and separated to go around her.  This time we were
careful how we came back together.  Suddenly, she shouted at us.

"Hey!  Aren't you Danny and Justin?"

We stopped.  It was Carly, the lady who'd called my mom the day of the bike
accident.

"Hi!" I said.

"You guys doin' okay?  You look great!"

We sort of caught her up to date on us -- my tangle with the baseball,
things like that.  She was amazed.  We chatted for a few minutes more.

"You know," she said at last.  "You guys should be a little more careful."

"Yeah," I laughed.  "We're gonna get frequent patient points at the
hospital pretty soon."

"No, I don't mean that.  I mean where you take a nap.  And how."

We blushed.

"Uh, well."  Words failed me.

"Don't worry, guys.  It's okay."

"Ummmm"

"Really.  Your secret's safe with me.  Besides, I think you make a really
cute couple.  And ya both have cute butts.  Gotta go. Don't worry about
anything except making each other happy."

And so another person knew.

But after that, no one seemed to know.  The secret seemed to have sealed
itself.

By December the basketball team was playing pretty well.  Danny wasn't a
starter, but he was the first sub to come off the bench in each game.  So
although he wasn't a star, he was a workhorse.  We had weekend get
togethers, sleepovers forced by my parents and get togethers at each
others' houses.  Kyle and Becky were still together.  Richie had started
dating Carie Vickers, who appeared to be as hyper as he was.  I don't know
if they were screwing, but if they were it was probably a tangled blur of
arms, legs and butts for about 30 seconds and then it was over.  And then
they went running or something.  I don't think they were; they didn't seem
overly winded.

Greg wasn't dating, but I don't think he felt out of place.  Maybe in
private moments he felt sorta left out, fifth-wheel type.  But he always
went along.  Danny and I were comfortable holding hands around the guys and
Becky, but Carie didn't know and we weren't about to tell her.  What a
great age that can be.  I know, I've read stories on the web, and some kids
have a lot of problem with their teenage years.  I guess I did too with my
parents and all, but we five guys and Becky -- it was a brotherhood was
solid.  And as much as Danny and I got from each other, we also got from
the others.  I really think we would have been okay as gay lovers just by
ourselves, but having the support of four of your four best friends was
even better.

Of course, Danny and I didn't make love during the sleepovers with the
guys.  At Kyle's we all slept in sleeping bags, but at Greg's and Richie's
there were beds.  Danny and I always slept together, which didn't bother
the guys.  But when the noise forced me out of my house and over to Danny's
we found time to play, even on school nights.  It was usually a blow job,
jacking each other off or rubbing our cocks together, but it satisfied us.
But we were getting frustrated because there were no long, intimate periods
where we could tease, play, fuck, cum, recover and start over time after
time.  Teenage bodies are great for that.

One night, though, about 1:45 I had to leave for Danny's.  It had been a
rough day at school -- math test, science test, social studies presentation
and physical assessment in phys ed.  Just one of those days when the forces
of evil decide to gang up on you.  We were all exhausted by the end of the
day.  I had eaten in the stony silence of the kitchen, done my homework in
tension-filled air, and gone to bed certain that I would be up again before
the night was through.  I tossed and turned in bed.  That's how fucked up
things had become.  Even when it was quiet, I couldn't get to sleep because
I anticipated having to get up again.

Sure enough, just as I drifted off, they started.  They HAD to know it woke
me up; I was always over at Danny's when they got finished.  They know I
didn't stay home.  So why did they do it to me?

I got up that night, threw on a pair of jeans, stuck my bare feet into a
pair of sneakers, grabbed my parka on the way out and walked across the
wind-swept street to Danny's.  It was snowing lightly.  The key was there,
a small light was on over the kitchen sink, and I replaced the key after
I'd unlocked the door.  Then I kicked by shoes off, hung my parka over a
chair and crept down the hall to my sanctuary.  Danny scooted over as I
pulled back the covers from my side and slid into the part he had warmed up
for me.  I was cold, so I snuggled up against him.  Almost instantly my
cock hardened and it pressed against his butt.  I pulled my hips back so I
wouldn't wake him, but it was too late.  He turned to me and we kissed.
That was the beginning of the slippery slope -- we were goners from there.
We did the mutual blow job as we often had, then settled down, but I still
couldn't get to sleep.  My parents were on my mind.  I was hurt, and I was
angry at them.  I kept tossing and turning, and finally Danny turned back
to me.

"What is it?"

I knew he wouldn't accept "nothing", so I said, "My folks.  How unfair is
this?  Don't they know what they're doing?  They think they're fighting all
alone, and they're so wrapped up in themselves they can't see how it's
affecting others.  They don't see what it's doing to me, or to you, or your
mom, or dad, or Charlie, they don't see what it's doing to Greg and Richie
and Kyle and Becky, they don't see any of that."  I started sobbing.

"They don't see that I can't figure it out any more.  I think they love me,
but they only think of themselves.  They feed me, they go to parent-teacher
conferences (how's THAT for a measure of love?  It's how desperate I was to
find it).  They buy me clothes, even tell me they love me.  But I can't
stand it anymore.  My mom is getting crazier every day.  My dad is staying
out late more often.  They let me come over here, and they never apologize.
I LIVE in that house.  It's as much mine as it is theirs.  They paid for
it, but then the brought me into the world, and they owe me a place to grow
up.  A peaceful, loving place.  And they don't give it to me."  I was
laying on my stomach, pounding the pillow as Danny held me from behind.  I
was sobbing hard now, unable to catch my breath.  Danny held me from behind
in a tight bear hug.  I screamed into the pillow, cried, and screamed some
more.  All the while he held me, stroked my hair, and tried to whisper into
my ear, "I know.  It's all right.  I'm here, Justin.  I love you.  I know,
my love."  He kept that up for a half hour, till I was done screaming.  But
I wasn't exhausted.  I was tense, still angry.

"Make love to me, Justin."

"Now?  We have to sleep."
"We aren't sleeping, and we aren't going to.  Make love to me."

He rolled me to my back, and pressed his lips against mine.  We began
kissing, then caressing, and eating each other up.  He played with my
nipples, and it opened some door inside of me that released a flood of
passion.  I was all over him.  Kissing, sucking, stroking, twisting,
nibbling.  Somehow he reached into his nightstand and brought out the KY
lube.  I grabbed it from him, poured it onto my fingers, and slipped one
into him.  Two, then three followed, and after getting my penis slick, I
fucked him. I slammed into him and he grunted.  I pulled nearly all the way
out, then slammed in again.  Then again, then again, then again, then
again, then again, then again, then again.  POUND, POUND, POUND, POUND with
animalistic -- no, beastial fury.  He "ooph"ed with each thrust.  SLAM SLAM
SLAM SLAM. "OOPH OOPH OOPH" I pulled all the way out and slammed back in.

And I looked at his eyes.  He was looking at me like he'd never seen me
before.

He hadn't.

The person he was looking at was not me.  I was taking out my rage, a rage
that was a direct outcome of the baseball accident, on him.  Those thrusts
weren't for Danny, or even for myself.  Those weren't thrusts of passion.
They were thrusts of anger. They were aimed at my parents.  Love-making is
not supposed to hurt.  Not that way.  I had Danny's feet in my hands spread
as far apart as I could and my cock was burying to it's root in his ass.
I'd pounded my pelvis against his so hard I was afraid we'd both be bruised
in the morning.  I looked at Danny, I looked at what I'd done, and I
collapsed on top of him, miserable in my own sorrow.

There was a knock on the door.

"Danny?"  It was his mother.

"Yeah?"

"Is everything okay?"

He paused. I was laying on top of him, chest to chest, the sobbing having
returned.

"No, mom.  It's not.  But don't come in for a minute."

I had him in a vise grip of a hold.  "Oh, god, Danny.  I'm sorry.  I'm soo
sorry," I sobbed.

He managed to untangle himself and pull on some boxers.  He slipped some
sweatpants up my legs and over my hips without my help, then opened his
door.  I know the room reeked of sex and sweat and KY jelly, but his mom
said nothing.  I also know it was our fucking that woke her.  She was by
the bed in two steps and had me in her arms.  The two of them walked me out
to the couch, and we all three sat there, them consoling me, me
inconsolable.  I just kept saying, "I'm sorry," over and over.  Charlie
came out, too, awakened by the racket.  He leaned up against Danny, reached
out a hand, and stroked my arm.

Why wasn't I born a twin to Danny?  Why couldn't I have this love in my
life?

But then it struck me.  I did have this love in my life.  I had Fran,
Danny, Charlie and George.  I wasn't a twin because then Danny and I
couldn't be lovers.  This way we could.  I had the best of both worlds.
His mom treated me like I was her son, and his brother treated me like I
was his brother.  I had a family in the Shaw's home.  I only had to put up
with turmoil in my own home.  Maybe that was an okay price to pay.

Danny was right.  We weren't going to sleep that night.  The four of us sat
on the couch all night, me snuggled against his mom, Danny against me,
Charlie against the other side of his mom with his hand on my arm.  Danny's
dad was in California again.  We dozed, but none of us slept.  The morning
dawned cloudy and cold, snow falling lightly, wind whistling around the
corners of the house, swirling the snow.  Not whipping it, the wind wasn't
fierce, but it was uninviting.  I guess us three kids had finally fallen
asleep enough that Fran could wriggle out and start fixing breakfast.

We didn't go to school that day.  It was a Friday.  Christmas break was a
week away.  Danny and I went to get dressed, and then I saw the horrible
thing I had done.  We were both bruised along our groins.  Tears came
again, and Danny held me, rubbing my back.  I felt so low.  The boy I
loved.  I had hurt him physically.  I had pushed him into the dirt last
spring, and I had beat him last night with my own body, making so-called
love to him.  We were both tender that day, and Danny was even a little
bruised around his groin.  At one point I had to go to the bathroom and cry
knowing I had done that to him.  How many times am I going to hurt him?.

By Sunday I was able to go back home.  I didn't know what to say to them.
They were my parents.  But I doubted whether they really loved me.  And yet
I could not confront them.  But I also had to start counseling.  Anger
management.  The doc said he wasn't surprised.  Head injuries sometimes
cause personality changes.  He said I hadn't changed much, but I was
quicker to anger than before.  He said part of it was directly related to
the injury, but it was also partly out of frustration knowing that I could
no longer play baseball and had to wear glasses and all.

Christmas was entirely forgettable.  I got all sorts of shit from my
parents.  A CD player, a TV for my bedroom, headphones to go with the
stereo in my room, a DVD player.  All stuff to block the noise, I guess.
To try to get me to stay home more.  Maybe to make up for the noise.  But I
noticed it was their choice.  I had asked for a letter jacket, a class
ring, a new watch.  It was all about them.

Christmas at Danny's house was warm and touching.  I helped them decorate
the tree while Christmas carols played on the stereo in the background.
Fran had made molasses cookies that day, and we nuked some popcorn.  Danny
gave me the watch I wanted.  I gave him some CDs and a new set of
headphones to go with his CD player.  His had been stolen at school.

After Christmas Coach Daniels and me started getting the baseball team
together.  Coach couldn't start practicing with them, or working with them
at all, because of the state rules.  But I could.  So I would watch them
lift weights.  I was doing real well myself.  There was hardly any trace of
my injury left.  Only a little limp when I got really tired.  But every
time coach and I tried to play catch, I couldn't.  My hand-eye coordination
was just bad enough to end my career.  Finally he stopped trying me out
because I got super depressed every time.

The basketball team was in contention to win the junior varsity
conference during the last part of the season.  Danny was still coming off
the bench, which was pretty good for a freshman who wasn't all that tall.
But he was quick.  We lost the next-to-last game, which put us in a tie for
first place.  The last game of the season we played the perennial
conference champs, from a town half again our size.  The guys put up a huge
fight, playing their hearts out, and losing in overtime by three points.
Danny cried in my arms that night.  It felt good to be able to do something
for him.

I tried to do a lot of things for him.  Not just sexual things.  I was
there for him to talk to.  I went to his practices when I could wrap up
baseball stuff.  We laughed a lot.  We were a perfect fit.  It was fun with
the guys, but we had our own fun, too.  We always helped each other shovel
the driveways to our houses, then went out to earn a little money shoveling
other people's driveways.  We sledded, did a little ice skating (we both
sucked at ice skating), and, of course, fought the requisite snowball
fights.  (What's the difference between snow men and snow women?
Snowballs!)  Charlie was always with us now.  He seemed closer since that
night at Danny's house.

I went to Danny's just about every other night.  It was getting worse at
home, but I just couldn't' bring myself to go to the Shaw's every single
night.  They were already too generous with me.  On the mornings after the
nights when I didn't go over Danny would ask if I'd slept okay.  I always
lied and said yes.  But I'd be a zombie through school.  Then I'd sleep
over at his house the next night, get a good night's rest, and be fine in
school.  My grades started to slide, but Danny wouldn't let them.  He made
me study.

You know, there's nothing like sledding in the Midwest.  A fresh snow isn't
usually great for sledding, because it can be too powdery.  But the next
day, jeez, it's great.  We'd go up the hill to the swimming hole and carve
out a path through the woods, tamping down the snow with a saucer sled.  It
curved and wound around tree trunks, over ledges and across the open
meadows to the edge of a field filled with corn stubble.  We'd start back
at the top and pound out another.  Then we'd get on the sleds with runners
and race down, criss-crossing, playing chicken, laughing and shouting the
whole time.  We'd go down alone, or two on a sled, one lying on top of the
other, stomach to back.  Even when Danny and I did it there was nothing
sexual to it – we were covered by layers of clothes (underwear, jeans
and snow pants, two pair of sox and heavy boots).  We sledded till our toes
were freezing.  Then we'd go to someone's house, almost limping from
exhaustion and near frost bite, and have cocoa.  Sounds idyllic, huh?  Well
it was my escape.  Those guys kept me going through all my parent's selfish
fights.

Baseball practice started in February, mostly inside.  Coach had me work
with the guys more on lifting, but we also began to sharpen our throwing.
As the weather warmed and snow melted we moved outside.  I could help the
infielders by hitting grounders to them.  But when I tried to play catch, I
just couldn't do it.  And batting was worse.  I shied away from the ball.

Coach Danielson had me start evaluating the players, and I began to take a
critical look at each one of them.  I started making charts of their
strengths and weaknesses.  As batting practice began I watched them at the
plate.  I'd critiqued their performance at their positions.  We had a
couple of new guys who joined the team.  One was a pitched with so-so
prospects, and one was a third baseman with an arm like a cannon.  He could
fire the ball across the infield and snap it into the first baseman's glove
with authority.  He was exciting to watch.  One day Coach asked me to
dinner after practice and for me to bring any evaluations I had.  It was
about two weeks before our first game.  At dinner he asked me about each
player.  We hammered out the starting line-up at that dinner.  He thanked
me for all my help, and then he asked about my health.

"I'm really fine," I said.  "Almost no lingering effects."  I didn't
mention about my anger, and he already knew that I couldn't play baseball
anymore.

"That's good.  I'm really sorry about what happened."

"It wasn't your fault, coach, and you've been really good to me since
then."

"Justin, I know you love baseball, and you know I can't play you.  I don't
want you to think I've been having you do these things because I feel sorry
for you.  I'm doing them because anyone who wants to be involved in
baseball deserves to be.  You can't play it, but you know it well.  And
this way you can still learn.  You did a good job helping some of the guys
get into shape, and most of your evaluations were right on.  You're still
learning the game.  I hope you're having fun."

"I am, coach.  I'd rather be out on the field, but I'll do what I can to
help the team win.  And I know that means I can't play."

Coach dropped me off at home, and for once I had a peaceful night.  But in
the morning I noticed that dad wasn't home.

We played our first game in May, and won.  We were on our way to winning
the JV conference.  We won the next two as well.  The guys were clicking
really well, and our new pitcher was awesome.  In game four, something
happened.  It was the fifth inning.  There was no score.  Rob Dawson was
sliding into home from second after a line drive base hit to right field by
Ronald Rosehart.  The throw from right field was perfect, but Ronald beat
it.  The umpire called him out anyway.  Coach Danielson raced onto the
field to protest.  He really raised hell.  God, he was mad.  He and the
umpire really got into it.  Then all of a sudden the umpire threw him out
of the game.  It was soo weird.  Coach had never been thrown out of the
game.

"What the hell am I supposed to do?" he yelled.  "Can I have Justin coach
for me?"

"No, the rules say it has to be an adult.  Kids can't coach."  The hell I
can't, I thought.  I'd been paying attention.

Coach called Ronald's mom out of the stands and they came into the dugout.

"Lisa, look, I need you to coach."

"I can't coach, Mr. Danielson.  I don't know the first thing about it."

"Well, really all I need is for you to be here in the dugout.  Justin is
going to coach."

"What?" I said.  I heard a couple of the guys slap hands behind me.

"You're going to coach.  Mrs. Rosehart is just here as the adult.  You tell
her what to do and she'll be the mouthpiece."  We both laughed at that.
"You'll do fine.  You know what's going on.  You know my style.  It's okay.
I trust you."

"Hey, coach, I ordered you out of the game.  Leave now or forfeit."

"Just going, ump.  Mrs. Rosehart is going to coach."

"Well, let's get playing," he said.  I asked if I could substitute as third
base coach and the ump said that was fine, but there had to be an adult in
the dugout.

Danielson left the dugout, walked to his car, started it and drove off.  He
actually went to the end of the sports complex, got out, sat on the hood
and watched the game through his binoculars.  I looked into the group of
parents and siblings that made up the tiny crowd for our games.  Danny was
sitting there, as he did for most of our games.  He was wide-eyed at the
turn of events. But as I walked out to the third base coach's box, he
smiled and gave me a thumbs-up.

"Batter up!" the umpire yelled.

Don Jenkins was next.  He came over to the coach's box from the on-deck
circle.

"What do you want me to do, bunt him over to third or swing?"

I looked at the pitcher.  A left-hander, and Don was a lefty.  He had hit
well the first three games.

"Swing, but don't try for a home run if you don't get the right ball.
They're playing you to pull the ball, so hit into right – there's a good
gap there."

"I'll try."

The first two pitches were balls.  Then a strike. Then ball three.  This
had to be the pitch he swung at.  It was like slow motion.  From the
stretch the pitcher brought his arm around, released the ball and sent it
rocketing toward the plate.  Don swung, met the ball and sent it over the
second baseman's head toward that gap in right center field.  Ronald took
off at full speed.  The center fielder and right fielder both scrambled
after the ball, but it dropped before they could get there.  The right
fielder picked it up, which was a mistake because his momentum was carrying
him away from the plate.  I was swinging my arm wildly to tell Ronald to go
for home.  He tore past me and dug for the plate.  The throw hit the cutoff
man at second, who whirled and flung it home.  But it was just off the mark
and pulled the catcher to the first base side.  Ronald executed a perfect
slide and was safe.  Don had advanced to second on the throw.  Way too
cool.

The next two batters stuck out.  Randy Graham came to the plate.  I'd been
working with him on contact hitting – making sure he contacts the ball,
not hit for power.  Just put it into play.

"Just hit the ball.  No power," I said from third base.  He swung and
missed at a terrible pitch.  "Okay, Randy.  Choose your pitch."  Strike two
– good pitch, he just missed.  "All right.  Watch this one."  Outside,
ball one.  I gave the hit-and-run sign to both Don and Randy.  "Watch the
pitch," I said to Randy.  "Choke up a little."  He moved his hands upon the
bat.  This was a gamble, but I knew we'd need the run.  The pitcher forgot
to check Don.  He took a lead.  The pitcher wound, Don took off toward
third, Randy swung at the ball.  CRACK.  It looped over the third baseman's
head just about the time Don was rounding the base and heading for home.
The left fielder ran in on the ball, scooped it up and realized he had no
play at either base.  Rather than throw it away, he ran it all the way to
the third baseman.  Glen Jones made the third out of the inning.

As it turned out, we didn't need the extra run.  Our pitcher held them
scoreless, and we won 2-0.  We were 4-0 on the season.  How cool.  Coach
drove in from across the park.  He high-fived all the guys, told them to be
at practice the next day, and they all left.

"Good call," he said.

"Thanks. I thought it was something you would do."

"Heh heh.  Yeah.  It was.  You've been watching."

"I've been trying to learn."

"Well, then, it was a pretty good lesson, I'd say."

"What was?"

He just smiled.

"Did you get kicked out of the game on purpose?"

"Justin!  Do you think I'd get kicked out of a game just so a 15-year-old
kid could coach my team?"

"That's not an answer."

"It's all you're going to get.  Pick up those bats and put them in my car.
I'll drive you home."

"Actually, I was going to call Danny's mom and have her come and pick us
up."

"That's okay.  I'll give you both a ride."

I really wanted to hug Danny and celebrate our victory, but not with Coach
in the car with us.

"You were on the JV basketball team, weren't you?" Coach asked Danny.

"Yes, sir," he replied.  "We had a pretty good year."

"You got a lot of playing time, didn't you?"

"Yeah, but I never started.  That was sort of disappointing.  I was glad to
come off the bench, though."

"I would guess you played guard."

"Yeah.  I'm a little bit better at defense than offense.  I'm not really
expected to score."

"You play baseball, too?"

"Just neighborhood games," he said. "I leave the heroics to Justin."

I blushed.  "Oh, stop," I said.

"He was one today," Coach said as if I wasn't even there.

"Yeah, I saw."

Coach asked for Danny's address.  As we pulled up in front of the house, we
both got out of the car.

"You getting out here, Justin?" Coach asked.

"Yeah.  See ya tomorrow, Coach."

"Okay.  Good game, Justin."

He sped away. The house was empty when we went in. It was about 6:30.  A
note on the table said Danny's mom, dad and brother had gone shopping.  The
next town over had a small shopping mall.  As soon as he read the note,
Danny was all over me.  He had my shirt unbuttoned in record time,
unbuckled my belt and had my pants around my ankles.  He wet his finger and
slid it into my hole as he pulled my jock strap down and sucked my
still-soft cock into his mouth.

From there it was a mad love-making session.  Right there on the kitchen
floor.  His folks could have walked in any time.  After I came down his
throat I slurped him into my mouth and sucked for all I was worth.  He came
in a thundering load.  Then we got our senses about us again and went to
his bedroom, where he climbed on top of me and fucked me till we were both
raw.  We dozed until we heard his parents' car pull into the driveway.  We
were dressed and coming down the hallway as they stepped into the house.

Mrs. Shaw eyed us, but didn't say anything.  We sat down to do our
homework.

We celebrated our first "anniversary" by going back to the swimming hole
where I'd first assaulted Danny's foot.  But this time we didn't make love
and we didn't see Carly.  We hung out together.

"This has been a great year," I said.

"How can you say that, Justin?  You almost died."

"No, I didn't.  I `m pretty much beter now.  The prescription is helping me
with my anger, the doc is thinking about surgery to help correct my
eyesight, and I'm in love.  What could be better?"

"You can't play baseball."

"I don't need to.  Yeah, I guess in a way I wish I could, but I have to
tell ya I'm having a great time on the bench.  Coach is treating me great.
And I'm in love.  What could be better?"

He giggled.

"Remember last year up here?  I woke up while you were sucking my toes.  I
had no idea you liked doing that."

"I didn't either.  That was the first time I'd done it."

"Man, it got me thinking.  I knew I loved you, and I thought maybe you
could love me the same way."

"I'm glad you took the chance."

"Me, too."

"I was really worried when it seemed like everyone knew.  I was scared the
whole school was going to find out."

"What would you have done?" he asked.

"Honestly, I don't know.  I guess it would depend on how everyone reacted
to it. I don't suppose it would be have been very good.  Remember how mad
Richie got?  I think a lot of people would have reacted that way."

"Yeah.  Me, too.  I hate keeping it a secret, though," he said with some
emotion.  "I mean, everyone is getting girlfriends.  Kyle and Becky.
Greg's been dating.  Richie has gone out with Candace for a few weeks.
Everyone is falling in love.  I've already fallen in love, and I can't tell
anyone.  And I want to, Justin.  I mean, I don't, because we'll be in for a
lot of shit, but I want to.  I want everyone to know that I love you.  I
want us to be able to hold hands in public.  I hate this small town shit."

"Danny, it would be the same in a city, too."

"No, it wouldn't.  There are lots of gay people in cities."

"Yeah, but even then a lot of them are abused and discriminated against.
All it takes is a few."

He signed.  "Yeah.  But I think I could stand it if I were with you."

"I'm not so sure I could, even with you.  It was soo hard having Richie mad
at us."

"Because he'd always been our friend, and all of a sudden he wasn't."

"Maybe.  All I know is I couldn't stand the hate."

We sat next to each other.  We didn't swish our bare feet in the cold water
of the swimming hole like last year, because this year it was fucking
freezing.  We were bundled in jackets, jeans and shoes with heavy socks.

"You'll never have to take it alone, Justin.  I'll always be with you," he
said.  The cold from the rock we were sitting on was starting to work its
way through our jeans and underwear, and my butt was getting numb.  We
kissed softly, then got up and walked back down the path toward our
neighborhood.

There was the usual flurry of year-end activities.  And finally, on June 1,
the last day of school.  We went screaming out the building at noon,
followed shortly by the teachers.  There was the fantastic feeling of
freedom.  The five of us went downtown and grabbed hamburgers at Snyder's,
flipped through the CDs at The Music House, then went home to goof around.
Danny's dad's car was in the driveway, which was unusual, so we went to
find out what was up. The five of us tumbled into the kitchen.  Mr. and
Mrs. Shaw were both there, looking a little, I don't know, shocked, I
guess.

"Hi, boys," Mrs. Shaw said.  But her voice was funny.  "Danny, we need to
talk to you."

We all looked at each other.  "Can't the guys stay?"  he asked.

"Only Justin.  I'm sorry guys," Mr. Shaw said.  "Danny and Justin will be
out a little later."

Richie, Greg and Kyle said that was okay, then left the way we'd come in.

"Sit down, boys," George said.

"Where's Charlie?" I asked.

"In his room.  We've already talked to him."

"What's the matter?" Danny asked, panicking.  He grabbed my hand and
squeezed it.

"I've thought real hard about this, Danny.  Talked it over with your mom,"
George said, looking at his hands folded on the table in front of him.  "I
just don't see any other choice."

"What?" Danny insisted.

Mrs. Shaw started crying.  "Just tell them, George.  Get it over."

He got a real pained expression on his face.

"I've been transferred.  We have to move.  There isn't another job in town
for me.  The bank wants me to move."

There was a long silence.  Then Danny asked the question we all knew the
answer to.

"Where to?"

"They want me to become president of the banks they bought in California."

"CALIFORNIA?!?" Danny shouted.

"I'm sorry . . ."

What the hell do you mean, California?  We can't move to California.  No
way."  Danny was going into hyperventilating mode.

"Danny . . ." his mom said.

"No. I'm not going.  This is home.  I'm not leaving.  No.  You can't make
me.  I'm staying.  I don't want to move.  I want to be with Justin.  And
the other guys.  I'm not going.  How could you do this?"

"Danny, I know. . ."

No, you don't know.  You can't.  I'm not leaving.  This is just shit.  No.
I'm not going.  Oh, god.  This isn't happening.  I can't.  Don't you see
that?  I can't leave.  This is our home.  No."

"Danny, listen.  We've talked this over.  If I don't take the job, I won't
have one here.  They expect me to do this.  I know it'll be tough.  But
I'll be getting a huge raise, and you can come visit every summer."

"Every summer?  Every fuckin' summer?"

"Danny, there's no reason for that language," his mom said.

"Yes.  Yes there is.  There is a big reason for it.  It's because I'm
fuckin' mad.  How can you do this to me?  I've grown up here.  All my
friends are here.  Justin's here, and in case you haven't noticed, we're in
love here.  Oh, man, this can't be happening."

"Danny, I know what you're feeling . . ."

"No you don't.  Not unless you're going to leave mom here and move.  You
can't know what I'm going through.  You're asking me to leave my . . .Is
THAT IT??  It IS, isn't it??  We're moving to get me away from Justin."

"Danny, no . . ."

Well NO.  I'm not going.  I can't believe you'd do that.  But you are,
aren't you?  This is just to get us apart.  You don't like it, do you?  You
don't like us being in love.  You hate it, huh?  You don't want me to love
another boy?  Well, it won't work.  I'll always love Justin.  I'm not
going.  We'll run away together.  You can't do this.  It's not going to
work."

"Danny, no," Mr. Shaw said.  "That's not it.  You know that's not true."

"No, I don't.  It looks true to me."

"It's not, Danny.  I know you love Justin.  I can't help this.  I like it
here, too.  But I have to do this.  We'll come back sometime.  But I have
to do this."

"SOMETIME??  What does that mean?  Ten years from now?  Twenty?  I'm not
coming back because I'm not going."

"Danny, you have to go.  I'm not doing this to break you up.  Danny,
listen."  His voice got very soft, soothing.  "Danny?  Listen to me.
Danny, I know you love Justin.  I wouldn't break you up.  I love him, too,
as much as I love you and Charlie."

"That's a lie, because if you did, you wouldn't do this to him.  To either
of us."  Danny turned and fled down the hall to his room, and slammed the
door shut.

The two of them looked at each other, and then looked at me as if they'd
forgotten I was there.  And what was I doing.  Crying silently.  Tears
flooded down my cheeks.  I saw my life end.  No Danny.  No refuge.  No
place to go.  No one to comfort me.  No one to comfort.  No loving arms.
No peace. No breakfast.  No motherly caress from Mrs. Shaw.  No Charlie.
No warm bed.  No laughter.  No tears.  No soul.  No life.  No reason.

"Oh, Justin, I'm soo sorry," Mrs. Shaw said.  She took me into her arms and
rocked me as I cried against her shoulder.

"Justin, I don't know what to say," Mr. Shaw said.  "Those things Danny
said.  They aren't true.  I wish I could do something.  You can come visit.
We'll bring Danny back here.  I'm soo sorry, too."

Mrs. Shaw tried to console me.  But she finally held me away from her and
looked at me.  "Justin, he needs you right now.  And you need him.  Go to
him, Justin.  Help him."

I couldn't answer.  The mucus was thick in my mouth and throat.  I gasped
for breath and stood there.  The two of them stood up, each took one of my
hands, and led me down the hallway to the closed bedroom.

"Danny?  Can I come in?"

There was no answer.  So I opened the door.  Danny was lying on the bed
sobbing.  He looked at me standing in the door, and his parents went back
down the hallway.  He stood up, and I walked slowly to him, closing the
door behind me.  As I reached him, we grasped onto each other and sank to
our knees in tears.

Things change so much in a moment.  We want to hold on to what we have, but
live revolves around us and we are swept away by things we cannot control.
Childhood romances don't usually last.  But I was sure ours would.  So
sure.  In my heart sure.  It began a series of changes I am dealing with
today, and with the help of my lover and his family, I will conquer.

Send your comments to thejourneyman200@yahoo.com

You can find my stories and many others at TheEggman's
http://theglassonion.org web site.

I look forward to hearing your comments.