Date: Fri, 19 Feb 2016 09:39:49 +1300
From: ben zeb <zebben2014@gmail.com>
Subject: Math Class Last Part 17: Writes 3

Math Class Pt. 17.
Last Writes 3

Our relationship crumbled in that last week of term.  A rumour went round
that Em had been spotted around town with another guy before her birthday.
My name was linked to it.  Keith came looking for me.  He looked tired and
really angry.  He shrugged off my concern for him and launched into me
about what was going on with me Emma.  No matter what I said, I just
couldn't convince him I had nothing to do with either, nor did I have any
idea what was going on.

"Why'd people say it then?  I think you're jealous and tryin to break us
up!"  Keith hit me a crippler next.  What's with you and my dad?  It looks
like you're tyrin to move in there!  Just cause yours is dead you can't
take mine!  Even Em can see that!" He shouted.  If a rock and smashed on my
head, I couldn't have been more stunned.  It felt like I'd been stabbed
through the heart.

"Emma's saying it cause she's being a fucken bitch, that's why.  Ask her
why I wasn't at her party!  I've never lied to you Keith.  I trusted you
totally.  You obviously don't trust me.  I would never do a thing to hurt
you or anyone else.  But hey, I really don't give a fuck if you believe me
or not.  Have a fucken good life, mate!"  I spat out and walked away.

"Fuck you too!" He shouted back.

This was the second time we'd been angry with each other, but this time we
had a huge problem between us.

I never saw him again that week.  I got stood down.

Em and some of her monkeys approached me at lunchtime.  One of them had
given me the bash earlier.  She launches into me accusing me of spreading
rumours.  I tried to keep calm, but ended up ripping into her.

"Listen bitch.  I don't give a slimy rats arse what you think.  I don't
spread rumours like you spread your fucken legs.  Why not try a little
honesty."  I guess I shouldn't have said such a harsh thing, but I was
pissed of to the max.  She was going to slap me.  "Don't even bother.  You
slap me again and I promise you, I'll fucken slap you right back. I don't
give a fuck if I'm expelled.  Go for it!  Try me!"  She could see I meant
it.  One of the monkeys stepped up to me.  I gave him a serve too.

"Come on cunt!  Have a fucken try!  You and ya knuckle draggin mate'll do
me for sure.  Do I give a fuck!  No!  But this I promise you.  You or that
shit mate of yours won't be walking for a while!  I know I'll have the shit
kicked outa me.  But you'll have no fucken balls left!  I promise you. I'll
fucken kick the crap outa your shit-arse slimy nadless scrots.  Now fuck
off or step up!"  I've never felt so angry or scared in my life and
desperately tried not to show it.  I was trembling in my boots.  Monkey boy
took a step towards me and then we hear, " You boys, stop!"

I was stood down for the rest of the week for abusive and threatening
behaviour.  It didn't help arguing with the deputy principal and accusing
the teachers of failing in their lunchtime duty.  Mum was absolutely
furious when she got home and went ballistic.  Rather than swear at her
like the last time, I stormed off to my room.  As I do when I'm down, I
went to my go-to music, Pink Floyd's Division Bell.  Headphones slapped on,
I can't hear a thing except my music.  I have no idea how long I sat there
tooling around on my laptop playing games, so I hear no footsteps.  Greg
pops his head in the door.  I get a hell of a surprise, rip my phones off
and ask hopefully, "Is Keith here?"

"No son, I've come to see you."

"Oh", I go not meaning sound so un-welcoming.

"Can I come in Zeb?"

I shrug.  He sits on my bed.

"So, this is where it happens," he says.  I give him a WTF look and shrug
my shoulders.

"I hear you've been stood down son."  I shrug my shoulders.

"What's all that about?"

"Dunno?  Just shit happening."

"What?  You don't no why you got stood down?"

"Yeah."

"Zeb, what's going on?  Both you boys seem to have imploded. Keith's a
mess, you're in trouble.  I hear you threatened to bash someone!  And your
mum's at her wits end.  She tells me you want to move to Wellington.
What's that about?  You have to tell me what the trouble is."  I think
about that.  I fiddle with my headphones.  Greg gently takes them of me.  I
run my fingernail along the edge of my laptop.  He takes that away.  I give
in.

"If I go to Wellington I can be myself.  I won't have to hide who I am.  I
won't have to lie.  My friends will be safe cause no one will know me down
there.  I'll be alright cause there must be lots of guys like me there, so
I'll find mates that will understand."

"You think your friends here don't understand "Zeb?"  I shrug my shoulders.

"Talk to me Zeb, please.  Let me help you."

In frustration I respond, "Look, why are you here Greg?  Keith won't like
this.  He thinks I'm trying to take you away from him; make you my dad
cause I don't have one.  Well, you have a son.  He needs you.  I'm leaving
anyway so I won't be a bother to him or any one else.  Let him know that
please."

Greg stood up and I thought he was about to go.  Right then I felt like
dropping to my knees and begging this man to stay.  Instead, he walked over
to the window, lent on the frame, looking out the window.  I went on.

"I think I understand more about what happened between dad and your friend
than you think.  I think something like this happened to him and it scares
me to think that mum might have been a cause in what happened next.

Greg spun around.  He was angry like I'd never seen before.  "Listen Zeb.
Don't you ever say that again!  That's not what happened!  It was never
like that."

`Then what was it like?"  I plead.  "I think mum was right not telling me.
It was easier when I didn't know anything about my dad!"

Greg came back and sat next to me.  He spoke softly and gently.  "Zeb, your
dad loved John and me.  I loved him too.  He left because he didn't want to
get in the way.  That's all, nothing else.  What happened was just an
accident, a terrible thing, but an accident.  That's all.  Don't blame
anyone except the other driver and certainly not your mum. You have a dad.
Me!  I can be a dad to both of you and want to, if you'll let me.  You and
me, well yeah, you are my son.  I just didn't make you, that's all. You
don't have to make kids to be a dad.  You are as much my son as Keith is
and he knows that.  We've talked about it and he's happy about it.  He's
confused and worried Zeb.  I love being with you.  It's probably wrong I
guess, but when I'm with you, I feel close to my best mate again, your dad.
Like your mum, I still miss him.  Keith is my number one and always will be
Zeb.  But I will be here for you always.  Believe me.  I hope you will too.
Let me help you.  Please Zeb.  What the hell is going on?"

I give in and let all pour out.  "I don't know.  I trusted some people,
Keith especially.  Somebody spread shit around school about me and Emma
that's untrue.  Keith thinks I've backstabbed him because he thinks I'm
jealous of him or Emma or both.  Emma has turned on me and came at me today
with some arseholes, one who's already given me the bash.  I don't see him
gettin stood down.  If I knew who spread these lies, I could do something
about it.  But Keith seems to have believed them.  After all we've said to
each other, the friendship we grew together, he's gone sceptic on me.
Every time I try, he gives me the heave. You're his dad, you explain it."

"I can't Zeb.  And this is the first I've heard of you getting beaten.  Has
it happened before?"

"Three times, same arseholes and more than I can fight off.  I never told
anyone.  Why would I?  How would that help me?  If I'd narked it'd make it
worse.  I don't want my friends getting involved or being pinged by these
shits, or being abused like I have.  They bash me because I'm gay because
someone let that cat out".

"Somehow, don't know how or why, Emma is mixed up in this.  I was screwed
over by her and then I get the blame for not going to her party.  Can't go
if you're not invited.  But that's a minor thing.  I don't know why Keith
won't believe me.  He thinks I've been going behind his back, shagging her.
I've never had my dick anywhere near a pussy.  It's not my preferred
flavour."

Greg cacked himself, laughing fit to bust.

"Oh my God, son you really do have a way with words.

"Yeah well, they're not helping Keith.  He just won't listen.  That bike
thing was a kick in the guts and I think he blames me for the shit he ended
in.  I know I shouldn't have done a runner, but what the fuck else could I
do.  I'd have said something all of us would regret.  That hurt.  That bike
meant everything to me.  And then he lets Jess fuck it up!  You wouldn't
let me ride any bike until I could prove to you I could handle them.  How
come Jess didn't have to?"

"It was an accident Zeb.  Keith shouldn't have let Jess ride it, but it's
just an accident.  And you right to blame me, but I wasn't home that day."
I was getting wound up now.  Tears are flooding out and I let it all out.

"Everything's an accident.  How fucken convenient.  Just call it an
accident.  My Dad died in an accident.  My twin died in an accident.  I'm a
fucken accident.  My mum can't have any more babies cause that's an
accident.  I don't wanna shag chicks, lets call that an accident.  I meet
Keith, that's an accident."

"My whole life's been an accident.  Is that why you and John broke up? Was
that an accident too?  Maybe he was feeling what I'm feeling.  I don't want
to be gay.  I can't stand how I'm feeling.  I'm not making anybody happy."
Greg wrapped his arms around me hugged me to his chest muffling the rest as
I sobbed.

After I calmed down we lay on my bed, Greg holding me in his arms, my head
on his chest.  Keith and I had spent hours like this comforting each other
keeping each other safe.  But lying there with Greg, was the first time I'd
ever felt total security and a sureness that I was safe and loved as I
imagined only a father can give.  We lay there for hours talking.  Greg
told me about him and his friends, I told him about me and Keith, about
Emma and how i felt about her, about being gay and how I was scared how mum
would react.  He put me straight telling me that mum already knew.  She was
letting me find the time to tell her.  I told him how I was scared about
coming out and that I didn't want to cause my friends any problems.  It was
late when he left and I was reluctant to break our embrace.  I felt it was
goodbye.  As he left I told him I was worried about how Keith would feel.
Greg just smiled and said, "Leave that to me."

The Board of Trustee summoned Mum and I to a meeting on Wednesday.  I
prepared a number of letters, well one letter printed multiple times.  They
spoke down to me and mum treating me as if I was something found under
their shoe.  I knew most of the members, some whose kids I was mates with.
Mum sat in silence, listening.  The board advised me that due to an earlier
aggressive incident, I would not be allow back until I met certain
conditions.  I had to attend an anger management session and participate in
a restorative justice meeting.  Finally, I was given time to put my case to
them.  I let them have it.

"I've been here three years.  In that time, I've been in one fight.  I
admit it.  A friend was being bullied and physically threatened.  I stood
up for him and for my efforts I was stood down.  To date, I've been bashed
in the school grounds three times and threatened with more.  Untrue rumours
are circulating about me that have created friction between my friends and
I."

 "I've tried to keep my head down and do the right thing.  My grades are
good and I've achieved merits. I work hard because I've got plans for my
future.  Some of you have kids I've helped with their school assignments,
especially English.  But I guess that doesn't matter to any of you."

"I've never bullied or been aggressive to anybody, another convenient fact
over looked.  But I will stand-up for myself. Now I'm being victimised.
None of your employees, the teachers here, seem to want to know or do
anything about the level of violence and aggression in this school.  It's
time they got off their arses and did what they're required to do.  Your
school is not safe.  Students here should not be put in harms because your
teachers aren't doing what they are required to do.  You are in breach of
your own policies and the express directives of the Ministry of Education."

"Exclude me if you want.  I don't care any more.  I'm very happy to enrol
elsewhere.  But this I promise you.  I will complain.  I will complain to
the Ministry, the ombudsman, and the media if I have to, anyone who will
listen.  I will complain that your failure to keep student's safe at this
school is preventing their education."

"Please know this.  I'm not some dumb schmuck you can bully.  I know my
rights and I've got the skills to ensure they are respected.  Here are my
first letters of complaint.  We expect an answer to my specific concerns by
Friday, or I will send the other three copies on Monday to the respective
authorities.  If that doesn't do it, I will happily go to the media.  And
one more thing.  I expect the school board and management to support my
application should I enrol at another school, which at this stage, is
looking very likely."  With that, I passed envelopes to the board members.
They sat there stunned as I walked out.

I heard nothing from Keith that week.  Darryl and Jess kept me informed of
happenings.  Apparently my brainfart at Em and her monkeys went round
school faster than a herpes virus in a whorehouse, as my uncle would say.
I became a bit of a celebrity it seemed.  Not exactly what I was aiming at
though.  Keith gave Emma a serve as well that day. She told him she hadn't
invited me to her party.  In the middle of the quad, Keith told her to
"Fuck off!  We're over!"  Whether he was stood down or just stayed away, I
don't know.  I tried to txt him but he wouldn't answer and because he
wouldn't, I stopped to.  Things Greg had told me weeks back echoed in my
head.  I rang Greg and asked how he was and could I talk to him.  Greg
said, "He's not well Zebby and he won't talk to anyone."

Thursday was a nice warm September day, the air rain-washed and clear.  I
went fishing.  Sitting there quietly in my little tinny, listening to shore
sounds and bobbing gently on the swell was good medicine.  I caught one
fish!  Wow!  I say caught but I think the fish suicided really, given my
fishing skills. Well, at least we had dinner.  I couldn't help think that
this was very likely the last time I'd row out my little tinny and go
fishing.  A wave of sadness washed over me.

Friday, and another nice morning.  I went up the creek to our water hole.
I lay on the rocks listening to the bush, watching the diamond lights
glinting off the water, wrestling with floating leaves.  The spring sun
warmed me as I thought about the great times we'd had in and out of the
water.  Good sense deserted me and stripping off, I launched myself off our
rocks and into the deep green-dark water.

"Faaarkkkk!!!"  I screamed!  It was cold!  Freezing cold!  I fair flew back
out and raced up to our warm rock sanctuary, yelling, swearing and
shivering as I went.  What a dumb-arse I laughed.  Well, it was
invigorating at least.  Lying there, warming up slowly, my mind drifted
back to the times we'd had here.  One thing led to another and, as we all
do I guess, got jiggy with myself.  I left a deposit almost in the same
spot Darryl had that day long back.  Afterwards, warmed, dry and dressed,
dangling my legs over the edge, it struck me that I was actually saying
goodbye.

End of term finally came, not that it mattered to me.  I still had no
agreement from mum.  I was definite now, I would not go back after term
break, even if I was allowed.  I told mum that.  We argued again and things
were very strained between us.  God knows she didn't deserve any of my
angst.  I spent the rest of the evening in my room.

I tooled around checking what I'd take south with me.  Opening one draw, I
came across Keith's gear.  A hoody of his was on top. Picking it up, I
could smell his scent, sending my heart racing.  The smell of his soft
brown hair, his subtle musky body combining with the citrus notes of his
deodorant, all mingling.  I couldn't sleep with Keith but at least I'd have
his smell with me.  I cuddled his hoody tight to me inhaling my beautiful
friend as I tried to sleep.  That Friday night I had the loneliest, most
restless sleep I think I'd ever had.