Date: Wed, 4 Jun 2008 13:25:45 -0400
From: Sean E <ekidky@hotmail.com>
Subject: My Road of Lifes Discoveries - Ch 9

Life's Road of Discoveries
EKidKy@hotmail.com

Disclaimer/Warning/Whatever - This is it guys. I've debated and fought with
myself over whether or not to go into some other pieces and parts of what
has shaped my road of life, but ultimately I decided that what is left
really fits another time, another place, and it doesn't have those intimate
details like what I've been writing.  That should make the flamers happy,
but to be honest, I'm not stopping because of them.  Someday I might pick
up and go forward again some, but just not now.

So this chapter is the conclusion, one that details some of what Tim and I
went through, and how we became who we are.  Yes, there are a few last sex
details between teen and boy (I think, because I always have a hard time
drawing the line at where those titles and roles are divided at).  So if
you shouldn't be reading, what the heck - you know the usual warnings, etc.
I figure if you've made it this far, then you have your own reasons for
being here... right?  :o)


--------------------

--- Chapter Nine ---


Tim had been true to his word in a sense, above and beyond anything I could
have ever expected.  That next day was Sunday, and being we went to church
together that day, something about that made it sort of sacred.  By a kind
of unspoken agreement, we didn't *do* anything really intimate together
that day, nothing in a sensual way - but there was more to reason than
that.  I went to his house for a while after services, and while we were
playing video games we did maintain a close kinship between us.  Even so
though, there was something about him that did not seem right.  We talked
about a few things here and there, but for most of the day he had been
quiet.  More than once I asked him if he was okay, and he would answer me
"Never better!"

	If it had not been for this closeness we shared, in its limited
form over nothing else, I think I would have been in a panic.  Neither his
actions nor his mood matched his words, but yet they encouraged me enough
at the same time not to fear the worst.  As it began getting late in the
evening after we had dinner, we started watching some TV to pass the time.
It would not be long before Dad would be coming by to pick me up, and as
the hour drew closer I became more nervous and quiet myself, unsure of what
I could do - if anything - to draw him out.  I had to know though, one way
or another, what he was feeling inside.  It just was not something I could
leave undone, his mood and quietness being so uncharacteristic.

	At one point we were in his room watching TV when he excused
himself, disappearing down the hallway where thereafter I heard the
bathroom door close behind him.  I knew then I was going to have to decide
how to approach it, figuring out what I would say.  When he returned, he
closed the bedroom door and stretched out on the bed beside me, on his
belly, staring at the TV screen.  I rolled away and faced him, taking a
deep breath, trying to focus on this kid stretched out in front of me.  He
watched me from the corner of his eye, and after a few seconds turned his
head and grinned at me, "What?"  I could tell then, despite his attempts to
hide it, there was something different in his voice, something - not right.

	All I could do is whisper. "You're scaring me, Tim."

	He seemed surprised.  "Huh? Why? How?"

	I tried to be careful with my words, not wanting to fumble them
like I had done in times past.  "You, you're changed, you're not yourself
today bro...  and after last night, I... I don't know... you're really
scaring me."  I paused and searched his eyes.  "What's wrong?"  When he
said nothing for a minute, I added, "Please? Talk to me..."

	He finally smiled, looked at the door, making sure it was shut,
before he turned back and rose up on his knees, maneuvering over next to
me.  He flipped over, laying on his back, took my arm and pulled it over
his chest, bringing us closer together.  "It's not you Sean, it's not us -
it's not even about last night, I swear."  He tugged on my arm, hugging it
to his chest and keeping us tight.  His voice was thick, as if he was
wrestling with something, and even with his re-assurance, I still
questioned it, questioned his answer, not knowing how truthful he was being
with me.

	"Are you sure? Tim - I would never, EVER do anything to hurt you,
to hurt us... You know that, right?"

	He nodded, and just let me hold him.  All kinds of thoughts went
through my head, the biggest being trying to decide if he was telling me
the truth.  I held my silence, not really knowing what I could say, until
he finally sat up and faced me.  His eyes were moist as he stared at me,
and I in turn sat up on the bed to face him, cross-legged and by his side.
He looked at me for a long time, then smiled and said "You're something
else, you know that?"

	I wasn't expecting that - not that I had any expectation at all of
what he might say, but that was nowhere even close to left field.  I mean,
I don't put myself in front of anyone, and praise is something I just don't
like - it makes me feel weird, or embarrassing sometimes.  That is why I
always just like to say I'm only me, nobody else - to try and break the
little hold those words can bind you to sometimes.  I also didn't like
priase because I never really believed I did anything for it.  I was - in a
sense - just a mama's boy, a geek of sorts.  I was nobody special, and I
still believe that even today.  So that night, when he said that, I just
shook my head.  "I'm just me, Timmy, nobody else, nobody special - just
your everyday runt."  I giggled at the last part, and so did he, and I
thought maybe that was an icebreaker for him - at least until he tackled
me, pushing me down into the floor and following me, sitting across my
belly effectively pinning me down.  I could have fought him better, and
probably broke free, but he seemed to be his old self for a moment and I
didn't want that to stop.

	Gradually he pinned me down with his knees up on my shoulders, and
as he got his balance he grunted at me, "Shut - up!"  He was serious, that
determined expression he used planted on his face, as if he was ready to
fight me if necessary.  After what seemed an eternity, he leaned over and
brought his face as close to mine as he could get, and started speaking
softly.  "Sean, you're not a runt, and yes you are somebody special - to
me."  He paused.  "Last night was great, and if I had the choice of doing
it over I would still do it again and again!  So quit worrying about it - I
swear to you, I'm fine with it.  If anything, it made me feel great, it
made me feel like - I don't know, just awesome, and I know you felt it
too."

	I smiled, but still puzzled, I asked, "Yeah, but then - what's
wrong bro? Talk to me?"

	I waited what seemed another eternity before he answered, and when
he did, it was a whisper. "You're leaving, and I don't want you to go."

	At first I didn't understand.  Dad wasn't supposed to pick me up
for another hour or so, and as I searched his expression, I didn't gain any
more insight.  I think he knew, because he added, "When you're gone Sean,
I'll be alone again."

	The light bulb clicked on in my head and I finally got it.  Here
was this kid - 12 years old and he seemed to be letting his guard down for
once, for me.  I just pulled him down and hugged him, rubbing his back,
keeping us together.  "I know... cause I will be, too."  I didn't know what
else to say, life just wasn't fair to kids sometimes pulled apart like we
were, living in different states.  He raised his head once again, looking
at me, smiling.  "I'm just being a sissy, I know."

	I shook my head.  "Nope."  My voice was cracking, even though the
mood was getting lighter.  "You know something?"

	"Hmm?"

	"You're a lot like I was when I was 12.  I was just, I dunno, more
sensitive I think."  He smiled, and I added, "You kind of surprise me a
little though."

	"How?"

	I thought about it for a second.  "I don't know, I mean, I know you
got a good heart bro, just, like, this weekend - yesterday and everything,
I didn't know you, like, really cared about me that much.  I mean, I know
we talk a lot and chat a lot, but like, I've just gotten to really know you
now, you know?" I struggled to find the right words. "I mean, here I am,
I'm 2-1/2 to 3 years older than you I know, but we've been around at
Christmas and stuff before, and you always were friendly and stuff, but not
like, not like this, you know?"

	He surprised me by giggling a little.  "You mean you didn't think I
had a mushy gooey side to me, is that it?"

	I giggled back, just shrugging my shoulders.  "I knew you Tim, I
knew you had a good heart - I just never knew how good it really
was... Does that make any sense?"

	He looked at me and nodded, then got right in front of my face
again and said ever softly, his voice barely above a whisper, "Yeah, it
does Sean, I know."  He smiled and added "You know I love you, right? Not
just as my cousin either."

	I couldn't say anything else.  I tugged at his shirt, lifting it
just enough so I could get my hands and arms inside and around him, wanting
to have physical contact and try to share something between us.  I held him
like I had just gained something else from him, yet then I could not tell
what it was.  He returned my hug and promised me again everything was cool.
Eventually we heard my Dad drive up outside, and we parted, but this time,
his face was brighter and his mood was better.  Before we broke up to head
down the hallway, I leaned close to his ear and whispered "Thanks bro", and
he took my hand and squeezed it before we opened the door.

	In the days that followed, I spent more time with my Dad doing a
lot of various things.  I went to a couple of Dad's classes and sat in the
back of the classroom, watching him do his thing, teaching the big kids -
whatever it was he was teaching.  We went bowling, watched a movie and
spent time throughout the week.  He even started teaching me a little about
how to drive, which I had a blast at that.

	Although he was back in school, Tim did join us a couple of nights,
back to his usual self - feeling better I know.  One night we were at some
burger place chomping away when, as Dad excused himself and went to the
bathroom, Tim leaned in close to me and said really low "See bro? Told you
I was never better!"  I grinned, knowing what he meant, and was so happy
for it too.  When it came time for me to go back to the airport, he joined
us to see me off, and at the terminal he practically jumped me to my Dad's
amusement, knocking me down with one final, extra big hug.  I felt him push
something in my pocket just then, and he whispered in my ear right before
we parted "I love you bro, and thanks - for everything."  I was already
choked up about having to leave, and those words almost put me over the
edge.  All I could do was smile and give him an extra squeeze, along with
my Dad before we separated.  Try as I might, I couldn't look at tem as I
walked away, my eyes were already filled with tears.

	As I was flying home, I reached into my pocket and found he had
stuffed a note inside.  Opening it up, I read it, smiling at nothing in
particular, but grinning at the world.  "I'm gonna miss you, but don't
think I'm not gonna come down there and whip your butt!!  I'll see you
soon... right?"  When I got home, I fired up messenger and found him
waiting for me online.  "Did you read it?"

	"Yep.  Think you're big enough to whip my ass?" I teased.

	"Ohhh yyeeeaahhhh..."  He had turned his cam on and was sticking
his tongue out at me then.

	"Tim?"

	"Yeah?"

	"I love you too bro.  I'm sorry I couldn't say it this morning, it
isn't that I didn't want to, I was just choked up and stuff, you know?  But
I do, I really do, I hope you know it."

	He grinned.  "Yep, I know Sean.  You know we both do, because if we
didn't, what happened last weekend would never have happened, right?"

	I smiled, although I knew he couldn't see me.  "Yeah - One more
time bro - you're okay with that?"

	He stuck his tongue out at me again.  "If you ask me that again,
I'm going to strip you naked next time I see you and pour hot wax up your
ass!"  He was laughing at me, and I couldn't help but laugh back.  "Ouch!
Man, you're sex education must be getting awfully kinky with those friends
of yours!" I typed.

	I could see him sigh and blush.  "Yeah, yeah, they don't know as
much as they think they do though."  He paused.  "Sean? Please don't give
me a guilt complex, okay? I'm honestly cool with it, okay?"

	"Okay bro, I won't, I promise.  Just - you know, Sunday, you really
were scaring me, you know?"

	He nodded.  "Yeah, I know I did, I'm sorry, I was just being a
stupid ass, thats all. I had a lot going on in my head, but it wasn't that
stuff.  Will you please believe me?"

	"I do bro, I do. And you weren't being an ass, okay?"

	He smiled.  "Okay.  Good, now don't forget it! The promise I mean,
you know!"

	I laughed.  "ROTFL - Okay, okay, message received loud and clear!"

	We signed off and I went back downstairs to spend time with Mom.

	----------

	Other than that one incident, life was on an uphill swing for me
for several weeks.  My moods were better, I was generally laughing and
smiling more, my grades even got better in school - and I just felt
different, but good.  It could be a part of me was simply growing up more,
but I like to think it was because now I had another friend, someone whom
deep down I knew I could trust.  Cody and I were still in touch some,
exchanging emails every once in a while, talking and stuff, just keeping
things alive.  That was a good thing, but Tim and I were talking almost
every day, cutting up and horsing around to no end, and Tim was telling me
*everything*, no hold barred, and it was cool looking back and seeing
everything through his eyes, like mine had been just a few short years
earlier.

	Like I said, Tim and I were online almost every night for months to
come.  Sometimes it was just for a few short minutes, sometimes it was
longer.  We sort of had an unspoken agreement that around bed time each
night where we would at least log into messenger and say "Hi" to each
other, see if anything new was going down.  There were gaps - one of us
might be sick, or perhaps we had company - or maybe we just were not home
or out or away.  The point was it didn't matter; we stayed in touch and
remained pretty close, even insofar as the internet goes.

	In the fall of that year, right before school started, I was at
church one Sunday and one of the deacons there came up to me after
service. He was an older man, always great to be around because he seemed
to always have a joke or something positive to say to all the kids and
whatnot.  He started chatting with Mom and before I got away, he stopped me
and purposefully included me in the conversation, asking things or
exchanging pleasantries.  At first I thought it was a little odd, but
eventually he turned and asked if I might be interested in working for him
part-time, down at the local IGA grocery.  Up until that point I never
considered that I could even GET a job, because I was still 15, and then
add to that the fact school was getting ready to start.

	Of course, I liked the idea - in more ways than one!  Mom smiled as
he explained that he could not work me more than (I think) 12-14 hours a
week until I got older, but he said he was used to hiring a couple of young
guys every once in a while to be baggers up front, or to just spell people
when they needed off or took vacations.  I said sure, I would be glad to
help, and Mom nodded her approval.  Within a week, I got my first job,
doing everything from helping to unload delivery trucks to bagging
groceries up front.  I was the youngest of several high school kids already
there from my school, mostly 11th and 12th graders.  Most accepted me just
fine, but a couple just shook their heads, gave me a hard way to go or used
the silent treatment.  It puzzled me to no end at first; perhaps they just
knew me, knew my past, or thought of me as the "geek" I guess.

	The reason I bring this out, here and now, is because it sets the
foundation for my next 3 years or more before graduating and heading to
college.  Because of the job, I couldn't travel to Wisconsin as much as I
wanted to anymore, couldn't physically visit and see Tim anymore like I
once had.  The money I made - although nothing at all big (even when paid
bi-weekly) - helped a lot at home.  I didn't give up everything I made,
meaning I kept a some of what I made, but there were a few weeks when we
needed groceries or something here and there.  The store owner - our friend
from church - even allowed me to purchase a few things out of the deli or
other departments, things that would have probably spoiled or expired if
not took care of soon, usually at a pretty big discount, maybe half-price
or so.

	It's because of the things he would do like that, when some time
later I discovered what was really going on with the other guys: they
resented me, either because it looked like I got special treatment, or
because they looked down on me (actually, they looked down on both my Mom
and me) as being on the poorer side of life.  It was kind of hard to
believe that sometimes, and even now as I look back, I shake my head at how
presumptuous and bigoted they were.  They came from middle-class families
who had almost anything they could ever want, much of it handed to them on
a silver platter.  We only had what we could work for, and heck yeah - I
took advantage of anything I could that helped us out.  Their attitudes
were never outright mean or condescending - I'll give them that, but they
did have that *thing* about them - that look, something that always made it
hint they were better than me, or better off.  Before long, I just learned
I had to ignore them.  What else could I do, right?

	The thing is, their attitude, along with starting a new year of
classes in 10th grade, and the inevitable fact that I was still the loner
more or less, got me down again.  I became the inwardly drawn quiet kid
again who did little more than go to school, go to work a few hours a week
and then just stayed home, getting out rarely with Mom to do only the basic
of things.  It was depressing because as far as I knew, I hadn't really
done anything to be treated like I was.  Then again, to be fair, I hadn't
really done anything to make it any better either.

	Around October, I started getting back into chat rooms on the
internet, this time going to both the regular teen chat rooms and one on
MSN that was ran by BamaChris17.  I started chatting with several people
there, most of whom - if you didn't know the name of the room was about gay
teens - never let on they were gay.  They were normal kids - for the most
part.  Oh sure, there were a few exceptions, and everyone knew how to have
a good laugh.  Most kids though were pretty cool, and I made new friends -
even an online boyfriend, of all things - in the months following, and that
helped me a little.

	The best thing that happened though was - even though I couldn't go
back to Wisconsin, it didn't keep Dad from coming to me - and at Christmas
he did just that!  Of all the people who could have came and made me feel
better, plus just the Christmas holidays and everything that went with the
season, it was awesome.  When I was ready to leave work one night a few
days before Christmas, I caught a ride with my older, computer-expert (LOL)
cousin and rode home, where I found a strange vehicle in the driveway.  I
didn't suspect a thing as I walked inside and saw someone sitting at the
table, having coffee with Mom, his back to me as they conversed in a low
tone.  My surprise was indescribable when he turned around and I saw it was
Dad, and as I rushed over to hug him, a big Indian war yell sounded behind
me, startling me so bad I almost wet my pants.  When I turned, Tim was
standing behind me, ready to pounce!  In all the instant messaging, all the
emails, neither one had let on they were coming down at all.

	"Surprised?" Tim asked as I gave him the biggest hug I could muster
up.  All I did was nod my head as Dad walked over and took his turn.  The
guys at work had been especially prickly that evening, and my mood had not
been in the best of shape when I got off; all that changed, and the smile
at that moment could not have been removed from my face no matter what
anyone did.

	"When did you guys get in?" I asked Dad as we sat down at the
table, Mom pulling a plate out of the microwave and placing it in front of
me.

	"MMM, what Tim, about an hour ago?" came his response.  Tim nodded
and although food was the farthest thing from my mind at that moment, I
started to eat a little while they filled me in.  They had both conspired
to surprise me as best they could.  I found out his parents were also down
for the week, and before I could even have second thoughts as to what that
implied, Timmy interrupted.  "Uh, how would you feel if I stay with you
some?"

	I was almost speechless, but nodded enthusiastically.  I looked at
him thoughtfully as I ate, listening to the banter between all of us.  Tim
had grown some in the 8 months or so since I had seen him last.  I had seen
him a few times while chatting on messenger, but it didn't do anywhere the
justice of seeing him up close, seeing the really him for the moment.  He
was taller, possibly even more than I was.  He was also a little more
slender looking than before.  His build had changed, evolving gradually
from that kid-size frame he had before, now becoming more filled out I
think.  His voice had changed slightly as well, becoming deeper.  I didn't
look at him in any sexual sense, just a sense where you note someone is
growing up.  He was different, more mature I think.  He was also Timmy
though, still my cousin, and still a very close friend - all proven by the
hug I received and the enthusiasm that filled his face and eyes.

	Before long, Dad rose from the table and said he had to get going.
It was already after 9:30 that night, and as Tim didn't get up to leave
with him, I realized he intended to stay, which brought me out of my
reverie.  I finished my plate and placed it into the kitchen sink before
turning, giving Dad one more hug and then agreeing we would do something
together the next morning for breakfast.  He left, and after exchanging a
few pleasantries with Mom, we retrieve his suitcase and headed upstairs.

	When we got to my room, Tim let out a long whistle as he looked
around.  I don't think he had ever been in my bedroom before that night;
previous visits had never really afforded that luxury as they usually only
came for a few days at a time, and his Mom was one of those over-protective
types who didn't really let him out of her sight for a long time.  Our
gatherings were mostly confined to when I visited him back in Wisconsin, or
at other family places or events when they occurred.  He walked around as I
turned on the light in my headboard, looking at various things here and
there, nodding and grinning.  "This is cool!" he said a last.

	I laughed and walked over to the window, raising it only a little
to allow some fresh air inside.  It was rather warm that night, Mom's fire
downstairs in the stove doing overtime I guess.  When I turned, he was
standing at the foot of my bed, looking down on the mattress and the
stuffed animals I had on one side.  I looked at him thoughtfully for a
minute, and then asked, "Um, where do you want to sleep?"

	"Huh?"

	"Well, there is a guest room across the hall, or you can sleep in
here -" as I hesitated and sat down on the bedrail "- with me."  I was
smiling as I said it, kicking my shoes off and watching his reaction.  I
was pretty sure he would stay with me, but as I stated - he had matured
some, grew up a little.  I could not make that assumption outright, and I
was hesitant because maybe at that point, I don't know - maybe I was
thinking of things a little sensual just then.  I know I got embarrassed
and turned my eyes away from him as I reached to pull off my socks.

	"You're kidding me, right?"  When I glanced up, his usual happy
smile was gone, replaced by one of confusion.  He walked over and stood
beside me.  "Where do YOU want me to stay?"

	I smiled at him and whispered "With me!"

	He too smiled and began kicking off his shoes.  "Then, I don't
understand, why ask me -"

	"Because I didn't know Tim, I just, last time and stuff, I mean..."
I couldn't finish, the words just were not there.

	Before I could think about it much longer, I suddenly felt myself
tackled hard back onto my bed and before I knew it he was straddling me,
pinning me down underneath.  The most ferocious attack of tickling ensued,
leaving me helpless as his fingers dug under my armpits and into my ribs.
I tried to fight back, but he had maneuvered the attack so well I was half
caught up against the bedrail of the water mattress, sunk deep on the side
as the water displaced and shifted around me.  I was pinned between his
legs and the weight of his upper body that I could not even get my arms
free beyond the few inches that I needed to resist.  He realized it too,
and he took full advantage of making me squirm, yell, laugh.  Mom, having
come upstairs to bring some fresh laundered towels and things, stopped at
my doorway upon hearing the commotion and I caught a glance of her looking
at us amused before she headed down toward the bathroom.

	He was not merciless - on occasion he did let me catch my breath
for a few precious seconds, but he started right back and continued until I
was practically crying, tears streaming from my eyes as I lay at his mercy.
He finally stopped and leaned down, whispering to me but watching
intently. "Now do you believe me?"

	As I caught my breath, I just stared back into his eyes, and I saw
something in them that made my heart melt.  I slowly got my arms free and
pulled him into me, hugging him close as I hoarsly whispered back "Thank
you."  He wasn't expecting that, and to be truthful, I don't think I was
either - but I remember being extremely tired right then and I just let him
fall into me, sharing his warmth and just glad he was there.

	His only reply was "Good, don't let me have to kick your ass
again."

	At that I giggled, and he raised up enough to smile at me, breaking
the moment.  "I'm glad you're here bro," was all I could say.

	He grinned.  "You better be. It was everything we could do to keep
it from you!"

	I laughed.  "You did though; I didn't even come close to suspecting
it."

	"Good!"  He rolled off away from me then.  "So, this is the big
waterbed you always talk about, huh?"

	"Yep."  I rolled on my side and watched as he stretched out,
spread-eagle like on his back and feeling the water roll underneath him.
He purposefully bounced and rolled the water underneath us, testing and
getting use to the motion I think, before turning and facing me.

	"You tired? I mean, you want to go to bed now or..."

	I shook my head.  "Nah, I'm out of school, this is your night -
whatever you want."

	"You're not tired?"

	I shrugged my shoulders a little. "Maybe a little, I dunno.  I'm
just glad you're here is all."

	He smiled.  "Cool! Then what say we play some Nintendo?"

	"Sure!" I responded, smiling back.  "Umm, let me go to the bathroom
first, ok?"  He nodded, and as I got up and left out the door, I saw him
rolling off to one side of the bed.  I took care of my bladder, and then
started back to the bedroom, stopping first to dump my work shirt and
t-shirt into the hamper.  When I got back to the room, he was already
sitting cross-legged in the middle of the bed, waiting for me.  Of to the
side next to the wall I could see his shoes, socks and belt lying on the
floor.  I reached down as I reached the other side of the bed, and tossed
him a bean bag while I withdrew a fresh t-shirt and donned it.

	I turned around to face him and noticed he had something in his
lap.  "What's that?"

	He grinned, "Your Christmas present!"  He laughed at my expression.
"Come on, open it."

	"Now?"

	"Yeah, now, " motioning for me to sit down beside him.  I obeyed
and took it from him, searching his eyes and hesitating only for a moment.
Then looking down, I began to unwrap it.  "Awwww, mmmaaannnn...." I
exclaimed, pulling a NHL hockey video game from inside the paper.  He was
just as excited watching me open it as I was.  I whistled.  "Thanks bro!"

	He whispered, "You're welcome bro."

	I looked at him, then sheepishly confessed, "I ummm, I didn't think
I was going to see you for a while, so I ummm... I didn't, I mean..."  True
to form, I had not bought any Christmas gifts yet, preferring to do some of
my shopping that weekend for Mom and Dad.  Whether or not I would have
bought anyone else anything, I don't really remember - I knew I had finally
saved a little money, but to know how much or what I would have done would
be anybody's guess.  At that moment though, I knew I would add him to my
list no matter what.

	He punched me.  "It's okay Sean, I don't want anything back."
After a moment, he blurted out, "Well, are you just gonna stare at it or
are we going to play?"

	I laughed, pulling the shrink-wrap off and getting up, I setup the
game and TV.  As I was climbing back in the bed, we heard a knock at the
door, and Mom calling from the hallway.  "Are you two decent in there?"  I
grinned, not even thinking so much about what that could have implied
before that moment.

	As I called out "Sure, Mom", I watched her as she opened the door
and brought us each some homemade cookies and milk.  She was like that,
always thinking ahead sometimes about things that would have never crossed
my mind.  I remember it hit me then - she knew he was going to sleep with
me, and maybe that should not have been a surprise.  Guys do that all the
time, right?  It shouldn't normally be assumed it meant anything was going
to happen between them.  Besides, Tim was family, right?  She assumed it by
her expression and everything; she *knew* he wouldn't be staying in the
guest bed.

	When Cody had stayed with me, it had not been a question either of
where he would stay.  My bed was plenty big enough for the both of us even
such to stretch out and have all kinds of room.  That night she came home,
she found him on one side when she came to check on me, and in all the time
sense then, even on other nights when we visited, she never once questioned
or queried me or anything.  He always slept in my waterbed with me, just as
Tim was going to do now.  I don't know at what age kids would be before
maybe some parents would raise the issue maybe their *friends* should sleep
in their own bed, but all in all, my Mom never did raise it with me.  It
dawned on me that maybe, ever so slightly she was beginning to trust me
again.  Her only words was to not stay up too late, and then she was gone,
closing the door behind her as she receded down the stairs.

	After she was gone, I looked at Tim and grinned, then pulled the
second bean bag up from the floor and positioned it next to him.  We
scooted close together and began playing.  It was obvious from the onset
who was the master and who was the beginner here.  He handled it like a
pro, easily taking the puck and scoring around my little-to-nothing
defenses while I tried to learn the controls.  It was cool though - we
played for hours, and as I got more accustomed to the game, I could give
him better challenges.  Before we knew it, I looked over at the clock and
saw that it read 1:30AM.  Startled and then laughing, I set the controller
down. "Okay bro, you win..." as I yawned for the up-tenth time.

	"Yeah, I know, not bad for a game though, is it?"

	I shook my head as I slowly crawled out of the bed.  Being already
in my t-shirt for the night, I started to remove my belt as he crawled out
and put our controllers back on the TV stand.  I assumed - with his stuff
already located on the far side of the bed - that he would probably take
that side.  Instead of walking there though, he walked up to me just as I
was about to unbutton my jeans.  He said nothing, just took my hands and
dropped them to my side.  He grabbed his shirt and peeled it up and over
his head, in front of me, followed by his t-shirt.  I started to say
something as he dropped them to the floor, but he put a finger over my
lips, and instead whispered "Are we safe up here? You know, your Mom?"

	I looked at him, searching his eyes.  I slowly nodded, and then he
unsnapped his jeans and pushed them to the floor, kicking them off and
adding them to his pile of shirts.  He was in boxers, something kind of new
to me right then, being up close, and I did take a couple seconds to glance
down at him.  He had no erection - at least none that I could tell, just a
smooth white belly that fell below his navel to the waistband.  Underneath
the shorts were his legs, which definitely had hair growing below the knees
- not a lot, and certainly not anything gross or uncomfortable to the eyes.
I think all boys have them somewhat - heck, for a long time I had a lot of
what I call peach-fuzz arms and leg hair, just short hairs spread out
across the tops or fronts.  He was like that, like me, although I probably
had a few more than he did at that moment.

	I had started to push my jeans down again when he smacked my hands
away, then hooked his fingers around the band of my jeans and did it for
me.  As usual, I was in my briefs, and I was already so tired and just
absorbing the moment that I too had not sprung any kind of an erection -
although the material of my briefs, being an older pair I think, were
really thin - and I'm sure he could see the basics through them if he
wanted.

	After I kicked them off my feet, he took hold of my t-shirt, and I
let him peel it up over my head, now standing before him as he was to me.
He smiled, then took my hand and for the second time in our lives, pulled
me into the bed with him.  It was awkward for him at first, not being use
to the way a waterbed worked, and I had to help him silently work his way
over.  Pulling up the covers over us, he finally laid back, pulling me into
him and still - without saying a word - he caressed my back as we hugged.
I held him tightly, absorbing his warmth, feeling his presence, and he
returned the same, eventually whispering to me, "I've been waiting a long
time for us to do this again."

	I pulled my head back and smiled at him, unable to say anything.
In a few short hours, since they had arrived and I had gotten home from
work, all my worries and disappointments from the day, the week even, just
melted and disappeared.  I withdrew my arm from him, much to his objection
as he tried to hold on, but I shook my head and managed to grab my glasses
before he finally understood and let me go.  I reached up, putting them in
the headboard before turning out the lights, plunging the room into
darkness.  I put my arm back around him, and wiggled the covers back up
over our shoulders.  "Timmy?"

	"Yeah?"

	"Thank you bro - for everything."

	In the darkness I could see him smile.  "Yeah, I know, I love you
too."  Those were not the words I was expecting, but given our last few
times together, and what he had just told me then, I knew it was true.  I
held him close, then eventually suggested he roll over, to which afterwards
I pulled him back into me, spooning him close.  I caressed his chest a
little while, his belly, his side - he never objected, never pulled away.
Before long I heard a slower, deeper breathing envelop him, and I knew he
had fallen asleep.  When I heard and realized that, then so did I.

	The next morning when I woke up, he was facing me again, not
exactly holding me but he did have an arm draped across my chest.  His eyes
were closed, but he had this smile there, and I couldn't help but wonder
what he was dreaming about.  It was just after dawn, and as I slowly got to
my senses, I knew that I had awakened because of my bladder needing relief
again.  Not wanting to break the moment if I could help it, I slowly pulled
his arm off of me and rolled out of the bed, creating as little motion as
possible.  My back was sweaty, as it usually did when I slept without a
t-shirt, but all that was aside for the time being.  I would have been
willing to give up anything to keep him as we were, sharing the warmth we
had of each other.  Being bare-skinned just made it all that much more
intimate, that much nicer.

	When I returned, he had somehow rolled onto his back in the middle
of the bed.  I again slowly crawled in, raising the covers to slide up next
to him, when I sort of just randomly looked at his belly and then further
down where his boxers were.  The sight caught me off guard, as they were
hanging really low on his waist, and poking out the front was his
half-swollen member, the gap in his boxers wide enough where I could even
see some of his pubes at the base.

	My arm was settled across his chest at first as I just pulled the
covers up and snuggled in next to him, before eventually settling across
his navel.  I pulled close and drew warmth from our contact again, feeling
sleepy.  It was a peaceful moment, not a care in the world crossed my mind,
and I almost succumbed to slumber some more.  Stopping me was the fact that
his member, little "Tim", had started growing and inching its way north
just touching my forearm.  I became acutely aware of it, thinking it was
cool and amusing at the same time, wondering what I might or might not
ought to do.  It started pulsing a little, so I opened my eyes and looked
at his face where the smile was still displayed. At first I wondered
whether or not he was asleep, whether he realized what was really
happening.  His breathing was still slow and measured, and I could ever so
lightly feel his heart thumping inside, maintaining its steady rhythm.  As
I watched him for a while, I saw his eyes slowly open just a bit, and upon
seeing me there he smiled, this time focused at me rather than his dreamy
state.  He closed them again and sort of thrust his pelvic into me a
little, at the same time snuggling against me. Our hips joined tightly, and
his cock was now poking and pushing on my forearm.  As it pulsed I knew he
was awake, a little at least, and I pondered what that might imply.

	In all my sensual moments with Tim and Cody, I never really
initiated anything.  I was always too scared or nervous, not sure whether
or not anyone would WANT to do the things I was curious about or had
fantasized.  I know that sounds kind of dumb, but back then I was unsure of
myself because I think I really and truly put their friendship with me
before anything else.  I also had no confidence in myself to see things or
take chances in the world as it was.  Even today I still don't most of the
time, but at least now I can look back in hindsight and understand it
better.  I wasn't trying to be a dramatic person or anything, or to get
people to feel sorry for me or anything.  I just learned to stand aside I
guess, because some people were going to do their thing no matter what, and
I didn't want to be in the way - especially if it went wrong.

	That morning was the first time that I changed, though.  Even ever
so slight as it was, I decided to initiate what might be able to happen, if
he wanted it.  I was careful - I slowly but firmly took hold of him.  Wow!
He had grown not just in normal size and height as I had noted the night
before, but also he had grown down here as well!  His cock filled my hand
completely as I moved up and down its length, feeling him under the covers.
He moaned softly and grabbed my hand, pushing it harder into his groin,
holding it steady.  Underneath it throbbed as he held me in place and I
felt his hardness return as it had 8 months before.  I first thought maybe
he was stopping me, not wanting me to continue, but that was not to be the
case.

	Eventually I felt a little tug from his hand, as if he was guiding
me to jerk him off, so I did, ever so slowly at first, making sure of what
he wanted.  At one point he he started pushing me harder, so I obliged as
he was requesting, and before long he drew his hand away leaving me to
handle him.  As I got a steady motion in play, he responded by laying back
even flatter than he already was.  He moaned softly, his legs and feet
would tense up and then relax; his breathing became more rapid, and I could
tell he was really enjoying it.  At one point I was watching him, wondering
as I whispered in his ear, "What are you dreaming about in there?"

	His little smile became a wicked grin as he replied, "Sure you want
to know?"  His eyes remained closed, but it was evident he was waiting for
an answer.

	"Yeah..."

	"I was just wondering, like, if..."  He hesitated, opened his eyes
and looked at me quickly before closing them and resuming his position.  He
didn't finish, instead letting a soft growl erupt.  "MMmmmmm........"

	I squeezed little Tim sort of hard, but noticed it didn't really
phase him at all; man did I ever wonder about the fullness in my hand then,
given how hard and full it had grown.  Still he got the message.  "I was
wondering if you were gonna, like, suck me again."  His face held a wicked
grin, and it came off in such a way I had to giggle.

	I thought about it, having really only intended at first to just
pump him through to the end.  My curiosity was getting the better of me
though, so I whispered in his ear, "You sure?"

	"Ohh yyeessss.... If you want to I mean, but fuck yeah..." was his
response.  He almost had a pleading in his voice, which made me smile.  I
lifted my head and placed it on his belly, pushing the covers down.  I let
go of little Tim and pulled at the waistband of his boxers, raising the
front to let the swollen hardness escape completely.  He lifted his hips a
little, and I pushed the sides at first, and then pulled in the front to
get his boxers down below to his calves.  Then I pushed the covers
completely down to meet them, exposing his middle.

	I got to tell you, even without my glasses and bright light, there
was enough there my eyes pulled in a detail that was oh so different than
what I had seen before.  He WAS bigger, at my guess probably 6 inches or
more, and very, very filled.  It was like before, but it was much more
refined, the head more plump, his slit more defined.  If I had not known
better - given the fact I had only ever sucked two boys in my life up to
that point - I would have swore this was a third, different cock that I was
about to sample.  Maybe that sounds weird - it could have been the
lighting, it could have been a number of reasons why it struck me as
different.  It didn't matter though, because it was, but yet it was still
him.  There was one other thing that stood out to me - the scent.  So much
stronger, not repugnant in any way, but much more defined, more indicative
of the whole area down there in his crotch.  His pubes were bushier, but
still not a lot of them by any means.  His balls were still hairless, but
the line his pubes made around the base started circling down underneath.

	"Do it Sean... plleeeaaassseee....." was his whisper, ever so
softly, as he started writhing about.  I grinned, realizing I had been
staring and observing him, not unlike what one of my visions or dreams
always led me to do.  I push my head down on his belly more, and when I was
close enough, I took just the tip between my lips and held it there.  I
wasn't afraid of going down on him more, I just wanted to sample this part
without adding the flavors or aromas from the rest of him.  It was already
wet slightly, and I realize now it was what had to be pre-cum.  I licked it
ever so lightly, and then played with his slit using my tongue.  He was
squirming now; his hands were on my head, gently keeping me there as I gave
him some version of extreme pleasure.

	"OOhhhhhh.... mmmaaaannnn....."  His voice always stayed a whisper;
he never cried out loud, which I was very thankful for.  As I mounted and
drew him in more, I recognized how much more he filled my mouth.  I
continued swallowing him down, beginning to realize for the first time I
might not be able to take him all the way in like I had before.  He gasped,
half raising his shoulders from the bed as I sunk, then let him hit the
back of my throat.  I sucked and moved my tongue around him as he almost
cried, before he pushed himself up in me even further.  It was a strange
sensation, but I finally fought back my gagging instinct and let him push
in down my throat, before pulling off to his tip and then repeating it,
over and over.

	He was crying out, in his whispered voice "Oh shit... Oh
sh-shit... Oh mmannn..." Over and over he did that, keeping his voice soft,
but with an urgency and panic combined that said he was enjoying every
moment of it.  He would not last long, and I knew it.  With my free hand I
reached down and cupped his nuts, to which he responded by spreading his
legs ever so wide, giving me access there as much as he could.  His boxers
were restraining him, evidently to the point he didn't like it, so he
reached down with one hand and, maneuvering his foot and leg in such a way
as to work them down, he pulled them off and kicked them under our covers.
He spread his legs even wider at that point, and I realized he wa totally
naked in the bed with me.

	I massaged his sack ever so gently, all the while sucking and
moving him in and out of my mouth.  At one point I pushed my fingers below,
feeling his butt crack, which immediately tensed up at my touch, then
relaxed.  I was not going for his hole or anything the like, just adding
more sensation to the experience if anything.  It worked though, because as
I brought them back up, his nuts began to draw in upon themselves.  He
stopped his frantic words, and I think he did it to keep from really
shouting out loud, such control as he had at keeping quiet, while he
started to erupt in my mouth.  Wave after wave he dumped inside of
me. Because of his hugeness, I had to pull of somewhat, and I could not let
my tongue play or prod any longer.  I also could not hold all of what he
gave me, as some started leaking out the side.  It was hard to swallow, but
swallow I did, and as I got cleared, I started going after the spills that
had seeped out.  I also went back to his slit and played there again, to
which he squirmed even more as he started coming down off of his plateau,
his peak having reached its highest with us yet.

	When he quieted, I let him slip from my lips, and I rested on his
belly a moment.  There was more daylight coming in now, and I could see his
features better.  I noticed just the making of a tiger tail in front of my
nose leading from his belly button downward, and I thought that was so
cool.  In a sense I guess lots of guys got them - just not everyone I
suppose.  Me, I had a little one, but nothing that amounted to much.

	"Sean?"

	I turned my head and looked at his grinning face, his eyes staring
into mine. "MM hmm...?"

	"I was sssooooo hoping, you know? I mean, i didn't know if you
would, but oh I was so hoping you would..."

	I grinned.  "You enjoyed it I guess?"

	"Oh fuck yeah!"

	I looked at him, and just smiled and whispered, "Merry Christmas,
Tim!"

	He looked at me and nodded, before asking. "You want your turn
now?"

	I looked at the clock and then shook my head no.  "No, I don't want
a turn. I mean, I do, but, I just, I want you to just like, be happy bro."
I paused, "Besides, Dad is taking us to breakfast, remember? He'll probably
be here pretty soon."

	Tim nodded.  "I owe you bro, and I'm not afraid anymore."

	I crawled up beside him and cuddled up.  "No you don't.  I don't
care Tim, I really don't.  You just gave me everything I could want right
there."

	He put his arms around me.  "Um, maybe so, but I do care.  Besides,
we're bros, right?"

	I looked closer at him.  "You umm, you know that isn't what makes
us bros Timmy... You know that, right?"  His eyes just held mine and he
didn't answer.  "Not the sex, just... the trust, the not being afraid, not
being alone, that sort of thing.  That's what makes us bros.  This - "
squeezing him, indicating our snuggling to each other "- too, this probably
means more to me than just the sex, you know?"  He nodded, but still said
nothing.

	I tried a different track.  "How did you get so BIG man?  It's
like, you're HUGE down there now!!"

	He laughed and clawed at me.  I was already going soft from my own
hardness.  How I kept from jacking off or even wanting to is beyond me, but
I do remember most of this discussion, and I remember it making me feel so
great inside.  He calmed down and whispered "That's because I, like, do it
every day now, sometimes more!"

	I giggled.  "Well, slow down, or you'll make it so big it won't
plug up what you want to plug up when the time comes!"

	We both giggled, and he added "You mean fuck a girl, don't you?"

	I nodded, "Yeah."

	He got quiet.  "Do you ever think or dream about that Sean? You
know, doing it with a girl?"

	"Yeah, sometimes," I answered.  It was true, I didn't dislike
girls, had no reason or meaning to anyway.  It was just until that point,
boys, curiosity about them both younger and older - but not TOO old - was
what filled my thoughts and fantasizes most of the time.  "I don't know if
I ever would though, you know, do it."

	His eyes grew wide. "You mean, you wouldn't screw a girl if you
could, if you had the chance...?!"

	I giggled, but answered honestly. "Nope, because I think that it
is, like, something that should be locked up in your heart for someone
special. I don't know what it's like - I mean, I can imagine it, but I
can't really know it, you know?  The way I figure, it's kind of what sex is
supposed to be about, you know, when you find someone and love them and
have companionship and stuff like that."

	He nodded.  "What about guys?"

	That was harder, and when he stared at me, I knew he wanted
something, waiting for me.  I wasn't an idiot -- he had a look of fear
and confusion or something in his eyes.  I didn't know what it was, just
that his whole body language tensed, and this was a crossroad for him,
maybe for us.  So after thinking about it a few seconds, I finally told him
what I had already felt for so long. "I don't think so.  I may do some gay
stuff bro, but I don't think I could ever do that, like go all the way, for
the same reason.  If I ever get lucky enough to find someone and do that,
it would have to be someone I really trust - really feel it inside, you
know?  Like I've already told you before, for me it's only been Cody and
you, and Cody and I never did anything close to that."  I looked deep in
his eyes.  "I wouldn't do it with you either bro, even as much as I love
you and care about you -- and trust you.  It's just not the same, not so
much for being wrong, but more because I really, really treasure what we
have, you and me.  Besides, it just isn't right, you know? It's special,
something that should be kind of held for something else, like something
sacred.  Does that make any sense?"

	He actually looked relieved and nodded, and then answered me by
hugging me tight.  "God I'm glad to hear you say that Sean," was all he
whispered in my ear.  After a moment I pulled back and looked close in his
eyes again, wondering.  He grinned. "Don't look at me like that, I mean, I
just didn't want to be gay, didn't want you to be gay, you know?"

	I nodded.  "I can't promise I'm not Tim, but I might be, like, bi-
or something, I just don't know. I'm really confused about stuff sometimes,
but the way I figure it? I trust you, so what the heck.  I just have to be
sure you're okay with me, you know?  In our hearts, I mean.  What I do know
though is this: everything you do for me - you have no clue bro, you have
no idea what it does here -" crossing my heart with my fingertip before
reaching over and crossing his, "- to know I'm in here with you too."  I
stopped, realizing my words were not quite right, but he grinned.

	"Yeah Sean, I understand."  He looked around before adding, "So, we
gunna do this some more then?"

	I giggled.  "You really think you're gonna blow me?"

	He gave me that wicked smile again, leaning into my ear and
whispering ever so softly, like he was imparting some deep secret between
us. "Oh yeah... and you're gonna give me that extra skin again too, I hope
more than just once!  We got the next 8 days, you know!"

	I laughed, and then hugged the stuffing out of him on the spot.

	--------------------

	That week we did enjoy each other's company - a lot.  I took got a
little more time off from work for the holidays and was able to let Timmy
experience my whole little world for a while, taking him around town and
getting out on the farm, etc.  The only time we separated was when he went
to spend the night with his Grandma, and later when he went with his
parents up to Lexington for an evening.  I did get him a Christmas present
- a stuffed animal I think.

	We also had a lot of intimate moments, but all the mushy stuff was
behind us for the most part - no more things that get so tender, I guess -
the "I love you" phase between us already in place.  We were just us being
together, acting like normal kids for the most part.  We spent a lot of our
time playing games, going to the movies, spending time with Dad - you name
it.  Each night (or morning) was also NOT a sex festival either.  We
already had conquered - or at least I had - my fears of trusting him, and
yes we shared some more, ummm, I'll call it "adventures".  We took a bath
one night, much like Cody and I had done before except maybe a little more
friskier, I think.  That was an eye opener for him - I think because he
just didn't take baths; instead he was always used to taking showers all
the time. I managed it all though, for the both of us, but I did it more
for him.  He sucked me, too - to my surprise more than once; we played
little games sensually, and before everything was said and done, the
evening before they were to leave, we had a really cool night, feeling
around, doing things, experimenting a little, that sort of thing.  All of
it was cool, for both of us I know, but mostly - honest - it was the
cuddling we both enjoyed, the intimacy of just being together for a little
while.  That did more for me than anything else.  I could hold him and he
didn't care how, or what parts of our bodies linked together or anything,
whether we were in our underwear or naked - it didn't matter.  Just holding
him and being held - for remember, he was as big as I was practically - the
feeling was just, well, indescribable!  THAT is what I have kept in my
heart ever since.

		The thing is, this was the last week any of this stuff
really happened for me.  Yep - you read it right: I was 15 years old - that
was 7 years ago.  Seven years without getting anything again, not like what
we did.  I was getting older, a job and high school facing me - we just
didn't get together like that again.  That has been hard on me sometimes.
We stay in touch - boy do we stay in touch!  He still talks all kinds of
things with me - including how he actually went all the way with a girl on
his 16th birthday!  The night he tol dme about it, well - you can imagine -
he left no detail unturned or undone.  That should tell you how close we
were - and we still are.  I saw him again this last Christmas, and talk
about the hug we had for each other - I can't describe it.  There just are
no words...

	As for me and my uh... "needs", I try to stay away from porn -
honest - because I know it can corrupt your mind if you're not careful.  I
don't want to live my life that way, jacking off constantly at someone
else's pictures or videos - its too short, and there are too many
adventures waiting around the next curve, you know?  Still, I do look at
some occasionally, and it helps when I need relief. It helps my curiosity
too, because I still like seeing what other guys are like, especially
around the 14-15 year old range.  Does that make me a pervert? I don't
know, I think of perverts as being dirty old men, you know?  I just, I
don't know how to describe it, I just think its okay from a certain point
of view, that's all.  It is not like I keep a porn collection or anything.
To the contrary, I have a few of my own pictures around that age and that
is about it.  I just don't need collections of the stuff like I know some
guys do.  I see what I can, when I need to and that is usually enough, you
know?

	 I like to read though, here on Nifty, IF I can find good stories
(Forever on a Tree, etc.).  You know the type, those that peeps don't get
naked in the first paragraph and have strange and unrealistic climaxes
before you get beyond the first page or two.  Nuh uh - that's nothing more
than hopeless fantasies that have no real story to them.  At least, that's
my opinion.  Oh, and of course (as you've probably discovered by now), I
like to write...

	Just so you know, I almost stopped this series long before now -
for a lot of reasons.  Flamers and bashers? Believe it or not, yeah, I got
them, from some of the weirdest places too.  Most people who have written
me have been supportive though, in more ways than one.  I guess it comes
down to the fact I've added the details in this chapter because they molded
my heart even more at that time of my life.  It was between Tim feeling the
way he did - making the moves to shut me up and making me quit putting
myself down - it all started me on a road of not being so insecure.  My
chats and letters with Cody went a long way with it, too.  In the end - all
these pieces, all these chapters - these were the discoveries I made on my
road of life and how I got there - actually how I got here.  The adventure
is still going, it hasn't ended yet - around every corner is something new.
Am I still alone? Yes.  Do I still get depressed?  Sometimes, yeah.  But
there is a difference in *feeling* alone and *being* alone.  Does that make
sense?  Having no boyfriend or girlfriend does not mean I don't feel
things, connections with people in my heart.  Those are the things I will
hold until the day I die.

	This is why I wrote all this stuff guys.  This is why I embrace so
much detail - not to just give you the satisfaction of the groin, but to
give you something else: my vision - my eyes - my heart, and everything I
could remember about these experiences along the way.  If you're out there
reading, then know this: you're never, ever alone. Somebody cares - maybe
or maybe not sexually or sensually, but I bet most anyone could find it in
their heart to give you that hug you need, or those soft words of
encouragement.  It took me a long, long time to realize it and begin
believing it - so I know its hard sometimes, especially when you're feeling
down.  There are good people in the world though, honest people, and odds
are they are right in front of you more often than not.  Most of all, if
you trust them enough, and they trust you enough, then you'll have what
I've had here: A journey - along a road full of discoveries about
yourself. That sometimes is the greatest adventure.

	It's also the greatest story of your heart.  It's the greatest
satisfaction.

	Thanks everyone for reading.  Thanks for putting up with me.  Take
care, okay?  :o)

	-- Sean