Date: Mon, 04 Oct 2004 23:20:15 -0400
From: Jay Kool <jaykool74@hotmail.com>
Subject: My So Called Life - Chapter 11

"My So Called Life" -- Chapter Eleven by Jay Kool (jaykool74@hotmail.com)


I apologize for not writing a new chapter sooner, but I've been very busy
with the house and work... I know you aren't looking for excuses but I also
needed to decide on the direction I should take my story so I wouldn't bore
all of you.  Sorry for keeping it short but I thought it was better to give
a little than nothing at all.

--------------

	It is amazing that David worried about me so much... I never
thought I'd ever even be a blip on someone's radar, but lucky for me I was
wrong.  I'm so glad to have David in my life; I think he will make my life
so much better.  I start to tingle every time he exhales against the back
of my neck.  He is so damn sexy that I can barely resist trying to do
something sexual with him, but its better that I let him sleep.  I
eventually drifted back to sleep where I was dreaming that David and I were
making out under a tree after we had a picnic where we hand fed each other.
Needless to say that I awoke with morning wood that was so hard that it was
throbbing and it was starting to hurt.  I needed relief and noticed that
David wasn't in bed.  I heard the shower running in my bathroom and I
decided to surprise him by sneaking into the shower with him.
	As I stepped into the shower with David I told him good morning as
I grabbed him around the hips grinding myself into his leg.  He turned
around and started to kiss me, I didn't realize that he had been crying
because of the shower water but noticed when he involuntarily convulsed as
we were kissing.  What was it going to take to get him to return to normal?
He told me that we needed to talk, that he couldn't bear to see me getting
hurt that it was wrecking him and that it would be best if we would just go
back to being just friends.  I was shocked, how could he say that and mean
it.  I tried to say something but no words could come out as he stepped out
of the shower drying off.  I stood in silence with the rain cascading down
my chest and body as tears silently streamed out of my eyes, forgetting to
even breathe.
	After a while the water started to turn cold, I couldn't tell you
how long I stood in shock, motionless as thoughts and questions whizzed
through my brain.  It took the shivering from the cold water to shake me
out of my daze and bring me back to reality.  Instinctively I turned the
water off and stepping out of the shower where I almost slipped on the
ceramic floor.  I finally dried myself off and put on a robe to walk back
into my room.  I expected to see David sitting on my bed, but he wasn't in
the room.
	I got dressed and walked downstairs expecting to see him at the
kitchen table with my mom, wrong again.  My mother asked why David left in
such a hurry and I couldn't offer her any explanation except for the tears
that were falling from my eyes.  She hugged me and stated that it would be
okay that the first time is always the hardest for everything.  My mother
sensed that David and I broke up and since I was broken at the moment she
figured out that he was the one who broke it off with me.  I'm still
astonished at how she can figure things out without seeing most of it
happen or talking to anyone.  I swear she must be psychic or something.
	The rest of Christmas break I was depressed with my mother trying
to cheer me up.  Christmas day came and went, I tried to call David but he
was always too busy or not at home.  The only thing I wanted for Christmas
didn't want me, David's love.  I pretty much spent most of break alone in
my room lying on my bed staring at the ceiling as I cried and over analyzed
the breakup.  I tried to figure out a way to get David back but it was
useless, I was the problem.  I'm such a fucking wimp and a loser.  I'm
surprised he even wanted to have anything to do with me.
	My mother was so worried about me that she made an appointment for
me to see a shrink on New Years Eve.  I'm such a fuckup that I needed help
before the holiday season ended.  She tried to tell me that she wanted me
to return to school normal and that was why we were going to the
psychiatrist.  I dressed completely in black; everything including my
underwear was black.  My mother wasn't amused and vocalized it as I came
downstairs.  I told her that I dressed how I felt and that the next time I
had an accident to let me die instead of extending my misery by taking me
to the hospital.  She slapped me across my face, something she has never
done, before she grabbed me and hugged me tight giving me apologies and
saying that I should never say such bad things.  Why does everyone have to
overreact, I say what I feel, it's not like I'm making this shit up.  We
were still going to the doctor regardless of what I was going to say.
	My mother and I arrived at the psychiatrist's office and I was
taking in to see him as my mother decided to give me privacy.  The doctor
started to tell me what my mother had told her and he asked what my take
was.  I told him it was simple, I'm a fuckup.  I'm depressed because I was
dumped.  He started to review the events since we moved here, the fainting,
the fight with Billy, the fighting with my father, my parents divorce, the
relationship with David and my depression.  He stated that I had gone
through a lot in a little period of time.  He also told me that anything I
told him was confidential and no one would ever find out, doctor client
privilege unless I told him that I was going to commit murder or suicide.
	I told the doctor about all of the events and how I felt and that I
was dealing with them, that I would be okay that he didn't need to waste
his time on me.  He smiled and stated that it was his job to talk to me.
He said that the school contacted him about me a month and a half ago but
my mother thought it was best for me to try and work things out on my own.
So now my mother thinks I can't handle myself, great.  Maybe she is right.
I need to be watched and monitored like a baby.  The doc than stated that
if I felt anxiety too much with normal everyday events that maybe I needed
a prescription to help me behave normally.  Great now they want to drug me,
I guess I'm one step away from a straight jacket.
	My mother never mentioned anything about me being put on a drug to
help control my anxiety or in my words to keep me from acting like the
freak that I am.  I guess it could be worse; I could have to take
injections.  Needles suck... the rest of break went by pretty uneventful.
	I never heard from David and I wasn't about to call him since he
broke it off with me.  School is resuming tomorrow and I'm a nervous wreck
because it will be the first time I'll see David since the breakup and I'm
not sure how weird things are going to seem.  Will he talk to me like he
used to before we ever did anything sexual?  Will he tell everyone that I'm
gay?  Or will he completely ignore me?  I'm not sure how I'm going to act.
I'm just hoping that I can keep my cool and not embarrass myself in front
of the whole school multiple times again.  I was pretty restless trying to
sleep; it was like the first day of school all over again.  My fears ate
away at me as my mind tried to figure some way of making everything better.


If you like this story series so far, you may want to read my other fiction
story series:

Gay --> high school --> Music Store Teens
Bi --> college --> College Firsts

Any non-flamer feedback is welcome, email me at jaykool74@hotmail.com