Date: Wed, 10 Nov 2004 20:35:44 -0500
From: Jay Kool <jaykool74@hotmail.com>
Subject: My So Called Life - Chapter 12
"My So Called Life" -- Chapter Twelve by Jay Kool (jaykool74@hotmail.com)
--------------
My mother basically had to use a tow truck to pull my butt out of
bed today. I am so dreading going to school, why can't I just stay at home
and sleep until I die? Why does God always have to be so cruel to me? I
relented to my mother's command to get ready for school and went in the
bathroom taking a shower and getting ready.
I noticed how drained I looked when I saw my reflection in the mirror.
Maybe I'd get lucky and not become lunch for a school bully today.
I dressed completely in black for my forced return to school;
hopefully I could fade into the background and get by today without being
noticed. I left the house and made my way to the bus stop just as the bus
pulled up and I was the last one on the bus taking the first seat I
spotted. I didn't see David on the bus which was a relief to me but I was
pretty much looking straight forward lost in thought, not paying attention
to anyone or anything. I closed myself off to the world the moment I
entered the bus.
When the bus arrived I was the first one up and to the door, I suppose
everyone figured the freak wanted off first.
Everything was pretty much a solid blur during the day except when
I seemed to do something stupid or embarrassing. Gym class didn't go well,
lunch didn't go well... I was avoiding everyone and trying not to be
noticed but my clumsiness overtook me whenever the opportunity presented
itself. I didn't speak to anyone except when a teacher would ask me a
direct question. David avoided me and I avoided him, which also meant
staying away from our mutual friends. Billy, my only other friend outside
of David's group moved away over Christmas break but the legend of my
kicking his butt lived on and was mutating into some twisted story. Kids
are saying that he moved away because I kicked his ass, but he moved away
because his dad found a job in Texas. But high school is famous for its
rumor mill and gossip. It's only a matter of time before David tells the
school what a faggot that I am and no one will believe me when I try to
tell him that he's just like me. It seems like I can never win, I just
always lose.
Peace finally arrived in study hall even though my mind was
throbbing and my heart was aching from missing David. I sat in silent
exasperation trying to comprehend why he would start something, care so
much and then let me go so easily. The next thing I knew I was brought out
of my depressed trance as the bell rang and it was time to go to my next
class, English. Not my favorite subject or teacher but none of that
mattered at the moment. I was too busily lost in a desperate search for
sanity and closure at this point of the day in my pitiful life.
I finally gained the courage to approach David when I saw him in
between classes at his locker and asked him if he wanted to come over to my
house so that we could talk. He pretty much stated that he was surprised
that I wanted to talk and said that he told me everything he wanted me to
know. There was nothing left to talk about according to him; my heart
broke into a few more pieces as my body slumped. Instead of going to my
next class, I decided to skip and head home. I needed some time to adjust
to my new life at school. I walked home from school without being noticed
as I walked off of the school grounds.
I checked the mail before heading into the house, mom had some
bills and other junk mail and I received a card from my dad. I figured it
was a Christmas card with money in it, but it was an invitation to my dad's
wedding and he wanted me to be the best man. Yeah like I wanted to watch
him finish the betrayal of my mother. What the hell was he thinking?
Isn't it apparently clear to him that I don't want him in my life if he's
going to dump my mother?
I think it would be so much easier for everyone if I never existed
or if I just died or something. I have nothing good going for me in my
life; I have no friends and no significant other. David hates me. I hate
me. I went up to my room where I discarded my shoes on the floor and laid
face down on my bed and started crying at every cruel word David said to me
earlier that day. I cried whenever I thought of my dad getting married to
someone other than my mother. I cried myself to sleep.
I was awakened by my mother calling up the stairs to me to come
down and talk to her. She found out that I skipped a few classes that
afternoon at school and wanted to have a word with me, I wasn't going to
have a chance to have any words of my own in that conversation. It was a
battle she'd easily win today. As I came down the steps she started in at
me about how a good education is one of the most important things in life
until she noticed that I had been crying (my eyes told it all).
She asked me what was wrong and I told her about how David didn't
want to talk to me anymore, that I lost all of our common friends and that
Billy moved away, the only friend that was a mutual friend of David and me.
She noticed the crumbled card in my hand and I told her while sobbing that
it was a wedding invitation from dad.
She started telling me how sorry she was that I had such a bad day and
that she'd let me off this one time for skipping school. She hugged me
while I cried uncontrollably and convulsed in her arms as she rocked me
back and forth whispering to me that everything would be alright. For
every good in somebody's life they must've had some bad times too.
I eventually stopped crying and returned up to my room to try and
work on homework, but it was of little use since my mind was everywhere but
on school work. My mother brought up some food for dinner to me but I
turned it down telling her that I wasn't hungry to which she replied that I
haven't eaten hardly anything for the past month and that I was starting to
look really thin. I never noticed since I barely looked at myself in the
mirror. I guess my clothes were starting to fit pretty loose, so I decided
to weigh myself. I weighed 64 pounds; I lost 10 pounds since the beginning
of the school year. I definitely needed to gain weight not lose it. I
forced myself to eat the food my mother made for me, which made her smile
as she talked to me about work and other subjects avoiding David or my
father.
After I was done eating I went to bed, without watching TV or
playing video games like most kids my age do. I dreamt that I was
invisible to everyone but David and that he didn't want to see me but he
was my only contact with human life. That without him I would be cut off
from the world and be alone and miserable forever. I woke up a little
sweaty and crying at a quarter till midnight. How was I going to make it
through the night and be able to go to school tomorrow? My mother was at
my bedside and she decided to have me sleep with her in her room for the
night.
At breakfast in the morning my mother told me that I was very
restless and asked if I wanted to discuss anything with her. I lied to her
that I couldn't remember the dreams. I didn't want her to think that I was
psycho or more psychotic than I am. I was turned down when I asked her if
I could skip school today, she stated that I needed to face my problems
head on, not run and hide all of the time. She drove me to school because
we were a little late getting ready or should I say I was a little late. I
walked to my locker and then to homeroom avoiding looking at anyone. I
pretty much wore monotone clothing again in an attempt to fade into the
background, a black pair of jeans with a dark gray sweatshirt.
I walked into homeroom with a few of my classmates looking at me
and giggling to each other. Either I look really stupid or rumors are
flying about how gay that I am. Class was boring and I pretty much sat
silent staring ahead into space, not really paying attention to anything.
The bell rang and when another student went by Tyler he bumped him back
into reality. Tyler went through the motions of going to his classes and
forced himself to eat at lunch although he sat in a corner table by
himself. Everyone was talking about him speculating why he was so sad and
out of it all of the time, but no one would talk to him about what was
going on. Everyone was afraid to approach him since his "friends" were all
avoiding him, David and the gang.
----------------------------------------------------
Ty's mother heard about the way he was acting from some of the
concerned teachers that knew them, but she didn't have a clue how to help.
She explained to the teachers that David and Tyler were no longer getting
along and that her ex-husband was getting remarried and that he asked Tyler
to be the best man. She also explained Tyler's past school experiences and
the teachers all felt bad for Tyler and wanted to help. One of the
teachers actually approached David to ask what was going on but she
received no response and let it go. She figured that the two boys would
eventually work out whatever came in between them.
----------------------------------------------------
I ate alone without anyone saying even hi to me for another day in
a row. Even thought it was sunny outside, I was surrounded by the storm
clouds that David created. Why does he hate me so much? How could he go
from caring so much about me and loving me to absolutely hating me where
he'll barely say a word to me, let alone acknowledge that I live? What was
he so afraid of? The worst would be that the school would find out that he
was gay and then they would also know about me if he hasn't already told
everyone.
I rose from my table and turned around paying little attention to
what I was doing or even where I was at that I ran directly into Jason
spilling the remains of my half ate lunch all of him. I immediately and
profusely started apologizing and trying to clean up Jason before he told
me to chill out and asked what the hell was wrong with me. He wanted to
know why I wasn't sitting with him and his friends and I told him that
David and I had a fight and since you guys were friends with David first I
just assumed that I wasn't welcome. He laughed and said that I should come
join them tomorrow but I wasn't allowed to start a food fight before he
went to the bathroom to cleanup. Apparently the whole lunch room was
giggling at my clumsiness but I didn't really hear it until after Jason
took off.
Thinking about Jason made me hard and it was at that point that I
realized that I hadn't masturbated since I was David and that seemed like
ages ago. It was two weeks ago. I admit I'm surprised that I haven't
cummed in two weeks, that must tell you how fucked up I am. The rest of
the day went by at school without much incident and I honestly couldn't
wait until I arrived at home. The first thing I did when I got home was
lock the door and head up to my room. I pulled down my jeans and underwear
a bit and started to massage my cock. I fantasized that I was making out
with Jason and that he was rubbing my cock as I masturbated him in return.
I came in about two minutes and just in time to hear my mother come in the
door downstairs. I went into the bathroom and washed my hands before
coming downstairs to tell her that Jason actually talked to me at school
today and invited me to sit at their table tomorrow. This made my mother
smile, I didn't have the heart to tell her that I spilled my remaining
lunch on the poor boy bofore he invited me.
If you like this story series so far, you may want to read my other fiction
story series:
Gay --> high school --> Music Store Teens
Bi --> college --> College Firsts
Any non-flamer feedback is welcome, email me at jaykool74@hotmail.com