Date: Tue, 07 Jun 2005 19:59:49 -0400
From: Jay Kool <jaykool74@hotmail.com>
Subject: My So Called Life - Chapter 18
"My So Called Life" -- Chapter Eighteen by Jay Kool (jaykool74@hotmail.com)
Okay this may seem like bragging or advertising, but this is a must read
chapter. I apologize in advance for any torturing or pulling of the heart
strings that may develop from this composition. Without this chapter you
will be lost for the next two or three chapters that I have planned.
I apologize in advance for including song lyrics that I wrote, but they
were inspired by my writing this story series.
"Suicidal Tendencies"
---------------------
David and I were going to have a private talk. I can tell that he
already knows, he can read me like an open book. I can never hide anything
from him. How could I be so stupid and get into a physical relationship
with Jason? I love Jason like a friend, not a boyfriend. I'm afraid I'm
going to break Jason's heart, maybe David's heart and my own. Not to
mention the fact that I have my dad's wedding to attend out of state and
final exams in a week. I'm not sure what was better, being the picked on
kid all the time in Chicago or being a semi-popular kid whose life is about
to fall completely apart.
My mother could tell something was wrong with me, she would ask but
she wouldn't press me on the matter. Maybe she figured it was the wedding
or finals coming up or that I might feel weird around David since he was in
a coma for the last three months. I just wish I could figure a clean way
out of this mess without hurting anyone. Everyone would probably be better
off without me; God knows I'm the source of everyone's grief these days.
With the pending doom of a conversation that could change the whole
dynamic if not shatter my relationship with Dave, I decided that I was
going to have to break up with Jason. I was going to have to find a good
way to break up with him without leading him on in anyway. Jason's worst
fear came true; David woke up. It's funny how we shared the greatest fear
and the greatest hope of our lives at the moment. He waited patiently and
possibly planned on a way to seduce me during a moment of weakness, sure
that what David and I had would never be the same. His angst and the crush
he had on me would turn into my curse in a moment of weakness. I needed a
pleasurable release to distract me from reality, sadly to say I used Jason
for my own gain the same way he used me. We were both guilty of the same
crime even though the intent was totally opposite the other. They say
hindsight is twenty-twenty, I fully agree. I can clearly see the error of
my ways and even though I'm not overly religious in any way, I know that
God or fate is punishing me for failing the test of David's faith in me.
I laid in bed for eternity unable to fall asleep analyzing,
debating and planning the best things to say, where to say them and
figuring out what Jason's possible reactions might be to me trying to break
up with him. I surely didn't want David finding out before I had a chance
to tell him what had transpired between Jason and me, but I had to end
things as soon as possible with Jason. I figured I would invite Jason to
come home with me after school so that I could break the news to him in
privacy. Tell him how strongly I felt about David and that the in another
time or place we may have had a chance at being boyfriends. That I had to
remain loyal to my true love and that I would help him find a boyfriend of
his own this summer that David and I would scout for one for him. I know
that this probably won't stop the pain from ripping at his insides like a
match lit to his heart, but I didn't want to lose him as a friend. None of
our friends had a clue that we were gay and one of the promises I made to
David was that I wouldn't allow anyone to find out. I broke enough
promises, it was time to do everything in my power to protect David's
feelings and be honest with him.
I think I finally fell asleep and got about two hours before the
alarm sounded off. I got ready for school and arrived in a daze waiting
for the opportunity to ask Jason over and to the end of the day. I had to
set things right again. I can't believe that I got so out of control
without David in my life. I spoke to Jason and arranged for him to come
over after school with me at lunch time. The plan was in motion, the rest
required careful execution and an element of luck. Hopefully the
relationship Jason and I had was merely physical for him like it was for
me, but I know better. The day flew by in a daze.
Jason arrived at my house and I let him in following him up the
stairs to my room. Mom didn't usually get home for another hour or so
making it easy to fool around. I instinctively closed the door as Jason
started to strip off his clothes. He is a very cute boy. I stopped Jason
telling him everything I rehearsed in my head last night and at first I
thought that he would accept it and part as a friend. Instead he rejected
what I said telling me that he knew that I wanted him and that we were
meant to be, that I was too distracted by David to realize the true love
that existed between him and me.
As I tried to refute what he was saying he grabbed me forcefully down
onto the bed and started to kiss me hard on the mouth grinding his pelvis
into mine. Every time he gave me opportunity to catch a breath of air he'd
attack my neck and ear lobes kissing and sucking on them, which by the way
drives me totally crazy. I tried to tell him to stop but he kept kissing,
grinding and groping me. My defenses couldn't hold up much longer when I
told him that we needed to stop that this wasn't fair to David. He told me
that this wasn't fair to him as he attacked my neck again and started to
kiss my fiercely attacking my tongue and tonsils with his.
With his last attack the last of my resolve faded as my teenage
hormones took control of my thoughts and will power. I started to kiss him
back as he fumbled my jeans open rubbing my cock through my boxers and
eventually I did the same as he disrobed of his shirt before pulling mine
off of me. Eventually we ended up in the 69 position giving each other
blowjobs that felt too good and I had to stop him before I blew my load
down his throat. He then told me to fuck him that he needed to feel me
inside of him one last time. My first official breakup sex, it sounded
like Jason was agreeing that we were breaking up. My hormones told my
mind, what could it hurt having sex with him one last time. When you are
horny you can reason anything out in your head. We both lubed up before I
slow slid into him (I've noticed that he stays loose if we have intercourse
at least every other day).
It felt so good as I was fucking him that I never noticed when David
walked in the room. I couldn't tell you how long he stood there watching
us have sex before he finally started asking me how I could do this to him
before he ran out of the house and home. Apparently it was a surprise for
me today to learn that they let David out of the hospital and he wanted to
have some "alone" time with me. I got up and threw on jeans, t-shirt and
shoes as quickly as possibly so I could chase him down the street to try
and explain to him what happened or was happening. I tried to talk to
David, but he wouldn't listen to me he kept telling me to leave him alone.
"David, come on and listen to me"
"Get away Ty, I don't want to hear anything your lying cheating ass
has to say. Don't make me have to kick your ass!" David projected with
emotion in his voice.
"Let me expl.."
"You broke two major promises to me, one that you'd never cheat on me
and the second that I would be your first and you would be my first. Plus
you told your mom you'd let her know before you ever went that far. I
assume your mom knows nothing about this since she suggested that I
surprise you today!" David half yelled with tears streaming down his face.
"I..." tried to say something but nothing more would come out of my
mouth. I was in such a daze since he went into the hospital that I wasn't
myself. I can't even believe how bad of a son and a boyfriend I had become
in such a short period of time. I used to find it extremly hard to lie and
it was easy. I betrayed my best friend and boyfriend, or should I say
ex-boyfriend by the way things are going. I fear that I have lost him
forever because of my stupidity.
"I thought we had a special relationship built on love and honesty.
Shut up and get the fuck away from me! I'm in a coma and this is how you
stay by my side! Get away!" David said yelling at me before he pushed me
out of the way slamming the door in my face.
I headed home. I broke up with Jason for good and told him that we
could never have any sexual fun again. I tried calling Dave ten or more
times that night and every time I said hello, I was hung up on. Everyone
would probably be better off without me was my final thought as I drifted
off to sleep.
------------------------
David's point of view:
David is sitting at the piano, alone with no one else in the house,
playing the song that he had just written about Ty and him singing quietly
to himself with tears streaking down his face...
"All I Ever Loved"
Don't you know you are all I ever wanted, Don't you know you are all I ever
needed, Without you my life has no meaning Don't you know you are all I
ever loved, All I ever ever really loved
I came back to life because of you, I came back cuz I couldn't bear the
pain of losing you, I knew if I gave up living, That I'd make you live
through hell I was so close to letting myself die Now I'm about to lose it
and cry Now I'm realizing my worst fears As I try to hold back from
shedding these tears
Don't you know you are all I ever wanted, Don't you know you are all I ever
needed, Without you my life has no meaning Don't you know you are all I
ever loved, All I ever, ever really loved
I always thought our hearts would remain true I can't believe you found a
way to let me go I can't believe you already found someone new I was
willing to give my life for you Can't believe I trusted you with my heart
Offered you all my love and support Can't belive my world is falling apart
You became my whole world
Don't you know you are all I ever wanted, Don't you know you are all I ever
needed, Without you my life has no meaning Don't you know you are all I
ever loved, All I ever ever really loved
No one else mattered in the world but you I gave heart and myself to you I
would've died a thousand times Just to save you one time
Don't you know you are all I ever wanted, Don't you know you are all I ever
needed, Without you my life has no meaning Don't you know you are all I
ever loved, All I ever ever really loved
Don't you know you are all I ever wanted, Don't you know you are all I ever
needed, Without you my life has no meaning Don't you know you are all I
ever loved, All I ever ever really loved
I finally came to the conclusion that I couldn't play anymore
without driving the spikes of sorrow deeper into my heart and soul. It's
going to take a long time to get over the pain of what Ty did to me, as
well as what my father did. I thought things were going well and I got
careless. I let my journal in plain view for my mom and dad to read,
because of the fit of rage my dad flew into, I ended up in the hospital
allowing Ty to cheat on me with Jason. Even with this reasoning, I still
can't believe that Ty would cheat on me and with a mutual friend of ours.
What the hell was he thinking that I'd never find out? Or did he leave me
for dead? How can I ever trust Ty with my heart again? I deal with the
hardest few weeks or months of my life to find out that I can't count on my
boyfriend to be there for me when I need him most. I was ready to come out
the school and the whole world with Ty whenever he was ready. I didn't
some heavy duty soul searching and thinking in the hospital the last week
and decided I was going to live by my own rules from now on. I'm not sure
which pain feels worse, the scars from my dad or the scars from Ty. I lost
my dad in order to have Ty and in giving up my dad I lost Ty.
Why does he keep calling me, he should know that I don't want to
talk to him. I made that very clear this afternoon that I wanted nothing
to do with anymore; I was lying to him as much as I was to myself. I could
barely hold myself back from apologizing for how I behaved today, but I
felt that doing that would condone his behavior and that he'd be likely to
do the same thing in the future.
I don't know why I held onto living, it would have been so easy to
give up the fight and die when I was in the coma. God said that it was my
choice to make at that point, not his. I followed his light to lead me
back only so that I could live in hell. I guess this is what I get for
falling in love and letting my emotions get the better of me. Why couldn't
I just let Ty alone? Why was I so drawn to him?
I know I was pretty pissed today and lost my temper. I have never
ever spoken to Ty like that before, but damn it all he betrayed me. That
little fucker Jason better watch out, if I found out that he put the moves
on Ty instead of the other way around I'll pound his little ass into the
ground. In fact I'm still boiling over just thinking about the situation.
I finally decided to follow my mother's advice and walk away from the
situation before I said or did things that I couldn't take back. I decided
to talk to Ty tomorrow after school; I planned on making him suffer before
getting my closure. Ty and I will never be boyfriends and there is no way
we were meant to be. Maybe we can end up friends someday, but without me
being able to trust Ty, I don't see how we can remain in a relationship.
The next day at school I was welcomed back by everyone except Ty and
Jason. For some reason they weren't talking to each other, I guess I
expected them to be holding hands or something. I saw Jason in the hall
way and I just pushed him aside (not hard enough to hurt anything but his
pride) into the lockers as I was headed to class without saying a word to
him. The shocked look in his face was priceless. The boy was deadly
afraid of me and for now that would be okay. In class today, Ty didn't
even look at me or say anything to me; he sullenly stared at the linoleum
floor. He looked pathetically sad, but he must pay for his sins. At
lunch, David and Ty sat by themselves away from the lunch group table.
Everyone was puzzled to their odd behavior and I decided that it wasn't my
place to tell what had happened yesterday.
By the end of the school day I was feeling a bit guilty about the
situation and I decided that I would try to beat Ty to his house and sneak
in; I knew where his mother hid the extra key for the back door. I thought
I beat David home, but the back door was unlocked so I walked in quietly
and up to his room, his bathroom door was open with the light on so I
figured he was there. I walked into the bathroom where I noticed the
bathtub was full of bloody water, the tile by the tub and tub were covered
in blood. I almost fainted but kept my composure enough to run into his
bedroom to call 911 and give directions before I collapsed on Ty's bed.
The room was spinning by the time I heard a knock at the door and the
doorbell ring. I managed to get up let the paramedics in leading them up
to Ty's bathroom.
I can't believe how pale he looked and cold he felt, he looked almost
like a ghost. I guess the breakup was more than he could take... hopefully
my call was in time enough to save his life.
If you like this story series so far, you may want to read my other fiction
story series:
(They are probably archived in a previous year or so, please do a find on
them...)
Gay --> high school --> Music Store Teens
Bi --> college --> College Firsts
Any non-flamer feedback is welcome, email me at jaykool74@hotmail.com I
will be
creating a mailing list for chapters as they are released.
(c) Copyright 2005 by the alias of JayKool74@hotmail.com