Date: Thu, 14 Jul 2005 00:22:07 -0400
From: Jay Kool <jaykool74@hotmail.com>
Subject: My So Called Life - Chapter 19

"My So Called Life" – Chapter Nineteen by Jay Kool (jaykool74@hotmail.com)

I apologize for the delay, but it is summer time and I have been very busy
with work, working on the house and prepping and taking the LSAT.  I am
planning three or four chapters to finish up this series and I want to
thank all of you for the good feedback.


"Black Days"
--------------

      I can't believe how pale he looked and cold he felt, he looked almost
like a ghost.  I guess the breakup was more than he could take... hopefully
my call was in time enough to save his life.  Paramedics and police men
were passing by me as I was absently wondering down the steps to get
outside for some fresh air.  Everything was such a blur, my heart was still
beating a mile a minute, tears were rolling down my cheeks, and my mind had
gone numb.  I could see people talking to me as I passed by but I couldn't
hear the words they were saying.  I guess I was looking a bit pale as I was
out of it and just shook my head yes to answer the paramedic.  I followed
the paramedics as they took him downstairs and bumped into Ty's mom and
Tyler as they entered the house confused about what was going on.  I
managed to tell them that Jason had committed suicide in Ty's bathroom and
that I found him and called 911.
      Ty turned whiter than I had ever seen him, as he collapsed forward
passing out I caught him in my arms.  I was a bit shaken still and almost
fell with him but managed to somehow have the strength to remain standing
while Ty's mother brought him through.  As he opened his eyes I couldn't
hold myself back from kissing him on his forehead.
      "So you still love me" Ty whispered as my lips were pressed on his
forehead.  Now how can I possibly deny giving an affirmative answer?  I
just nodded my head stating a simple "yes", even though I told myself that
I would no longer be his boyfriend.  He has done it to me again, he made me
fall in love with him all over again...  the cuteness, the innocence, the
frailty, and the beauty of him consumes my soul.  I think his mother can
tell what has just transpired in my heart, as she lightly patted me on the
back kissing me on my forehead.  I wanted to say something to Tyler and his
mother, but no words would come to my mind and my throat was so choked up
that I could barely breathe let alone speak.
      We all held each other in a group hug outside on the front lawn as
the paramedics eventually left and were interrupted by the police who were
trying to complete their investigation.

--------------- Back to Ty's point of view:

	I was so shocked to walk into my house to find David there and the
paramedics carrying on Jason on a stretcher.  He committed suicide because
I broke up with him.  No matter what I do I can't seem to stop hurting
those that I love most.  I still love Jason and I don't know how I can ever
forgive myself for driving him to commit suicide.  Why does God feel it so
necessary to torture my soul and tempt me into doing evil deeds?  What did
I do in a prior life to deserve this?  Why did God hate me so much that he
had to systematically take my family and friends away one at a time along
with the love of my life?
	Everything was a blur and passed by so fast that the next thing I
knew I was in bed with my mother tucking me in and kissing me goodnight.  I
fell asleep to be demonized by dreams of Jason fucking me where I would
look up and see his skeletal remains ripping me from my sleep screaming.
Apparently I woke up my mother and she was beside me trying to calm me
down.  I'd fall asleep again to be tormented by another nightmare where
Jason and David were fighting, where both were bloody from beating on each
other.  My mother would be there again comforting me.  The last nightmare I
had before my mother gave me a sedative, I have no clue where she got it,
was where I was going to Jason's funeral but there were three caskets,
Jason's, David's and my mother's.  Needless to say that I totally freaked
out, bolting up right so hard that I almost threw my self out of bed.  The
rest of the night I didn't have one dream thanks to the meds that mom gave
me.
	I woke up a bit late for school since it was about one in the
afternoon, and mom must have taken another sick day.  I'm sure the school
district thinks that I'm a psycho by now.  It then set in again that I
killed Jason; my stupidity caused me to lose my true love and killed Jason.
I got up and went to the bathroom and decided to go back to bed.  I don't
feel like eating anything and would rather die then to talk to anyone.
  I got back in bed and was almost asleep again when mom came in and asked
me if I wanted anything for breakfast and I just answered her by shaking my
head no.  She told me that David had called to check up on me and that she
told him that I wasn't doing too well because of the nightmares.
	I almost told my mom about the sexual relationship that Jason and I
had, and that I was responsible for his demise, but I couldn't tell her
that I had let her down by not telling her when I was ready for sex.  I
guess I was crying again because my mother started to try and comfort me,
which normally worked but for some reason I told her to leave me alone.
That she couldn't fix the fact that I killed Jason and that I just wanted
to die.  I guess it threw her off balance, but she tried her best to tell
me that there was no way that I killed Jason, that I was with her when he
committed suicide.  I actually pushed my mother away from me for the first
time in my life and I immediately regretted it when I saw the sorrow in her
eyes.  I wanted to tell her that I was sorry but my feelings of depression
and anger overshadowed my guilt.
	I'm sure that my mom was puzzled as to why I felt responsible for
Jason's suicide and questioned in her mind as to why he would kill himself
in my bathroom.  She probably was also surprised that he was found by
David, I know that I never expected to see him at my house ever again.
	I drifted off to sleep again only to be awakening by a nightmare
where Jason was stabbing me over and over again yelling at me for breaking
his heart.  I screamed at the top of my lungs so loud that my mother
literally dropped the phone when talking to my aunt downstairs.  My mother
tried to bring me back to reality, that Jason couldn't hurt me but
everywhere I turned I saw him standing there, pointing his finger accusing
me of murdering him, vowing revenge upon my soul.  I talked to myself,
telling Jason to kill me on the spot that I couldn't live another day in
terror.
      My mother finally said good bye to my Aunt Janie, telling her that
she needed to call my psychiatrist immediately that I was too traumatized
by Jason's death and that she was scared that I might try to commit
suicide.  I was officially put on suicide watch by the doctor who was going
to personally deliver a prescription that should start working within the
next half day or so to help put my mind as ease.  I was not to be left
alone by myself at all until mental health improved.  David agreed to come
and spend a day watching over me while my mother ran errands and tried to
get some sleep.
      When the suicide watch notice was cancelled, I realized that I was
expected to go to Jason's funeral tomorrow.  The doctor said that it would
do me good to face up to my fears about his death.  I told her that I
wasn't afraid that he died, but it was the fact that I had killed him that
was upsetting me so much.  I found out that someone was going to be going
to therapy a few times a week for a while.
      I overheard my mother talking to my dad on the phone asking him to
postpone the wedding, and I heard my mom repeat what he said in response,
that I would never be emotionally stable enough to attend his wedding.  My
father can be such an asshole at times, now I know where I inherited it
from.
      I went through the day without eating much; my mother didn't try to
force me but offered many times throughout the day.  Everything leading up
to the funeral seemed to happen as if I was an outsider looking into my
life.  I didn't really feel much and it seemed as if my thoughts were being
repressed, it must be the meds working.
      I attended the funeral and I acted pretty normal up until the point
where I actually visited the casket with Jason's lifeless body laying
peacefully.  I broke down and started to cry, sobbing on his arm as I knelt
in front of him.  Everyone left me alone for a while, I couldn't tell you
how long, until my mother and David came to me.  The pulled me up from the
kneeler and into a hug between the both of them while I continued to cry.
I actually heard David telling someone to stop staring at me.  I guess
hardly anyone had any clue about how close Jason and I had been.  He was
such a cute, smart, lovable and funny boy and I had taken his life from
him.  I had crushed his hopes and dreams so badly that he couldn't bear to
live any longer.  I murdered my second best friend.
      Toward the end of the calling hours, I told Jason's parents how close
Jason and I were and in the process shocked my mother.  I told them that
Jason and I were boyfriends who were sexually active for a while, that he
was afraid of ever coming out to them and that he killed himself because I
broke up with him.  That was the reason why he cut his wrists in my
bathroom.  I told them that I wish it was me in the casket instead of their
only son.  I remember dropping to my knees crying and begging for their
forgiveness before David and my mother basically tore me away from their
ankles sobbing hysterically.  I can't say that I remember Jason's parents
reactions, but I'm sure that they were shocked and now they know why their
son slain himself.  I was placed on suicide watch for the second night this
week.
      My mother opted to skip the formal funeral rites and burial of Jason.
I know that I was in no condition to see his body lowered into the ground,
realizing that I could never talk to him, hold him, touch him, or kiss him
ever again.  Ty's mother appealed to the school to let me skip the homework
and any tests that were due until I was okay to return basically arguing
that I had covered all of this material in higher detail with excellent
grades over a year ago.
      David helped my mother around the house and to monitor me.  I guess I
was drugged pretty heavily for a few days, as the psychiatrist was worried
about me killing myself and relented to my mother's pleas to keep me out of
a mental hospital.  I remember Dave telling me that the school was planning
on holding assemblies concerning suicide and about how to be tolerant of
other student's sexual orientation.  Jason's parents after hearing my
confession called the super intendent and threatened to sue the school
district if they did not hold semi-annual assemblies discussing these two
topics at the middle and high school levels.


If you like this story series so far, you may want to read my other fiction
story series:

(They are probably archived in a previous year or so, please do a find on
them...)
Gay --> high school --> Music Store Teens
Bi --> college --> College Firsts

Any non-flamer feedback is welcome, email me at jaykool74@hotmail.com I
will be creating a mailing list for chapters as they are released.