Date: Tue, 25 Mar 2014 00:54:14 -0600
From: M Holfmore <mholfmore@gmail.com>
Subject: Remembering Shad

Remembering Shad

I've always been turned on looking at my own naked body in the mirror, so
when I figured out that I could use my computer to video tape myself, it
wasn't long before I began videotaping myself jerking off.  Then smart
phones came along and I discovered that I could surf the web for porn on my
phone while videotaping with my computer.

It was around this time that I also discovered Tumblr and all the porn
available on the site.  One site in particular was quite a find.  The title
was in Portuguese and it had photos of some of the most beautiful naked men
I had ever seen!  I was just in awe looking at them, and of course I was
extremely turned on as well.

Now, I was no stranger to gay porn, but I had considered myself bisexual
for many years.  I was even married and enjoying regular sex with my wife.
But I still enjoyed jerking off on occasion and my jerk off material of
choice was almost always gay.  However, I never deeply questioned this and
was happy with the way things were.

Then earlier this year, when was on vacation while my wife still had to
work, I decided to video tape myself jerking off while looking at that
Tumblr site on my phone.  It was great being able to do this without the
risk of getting caught by my wife, and I relaxed more and more.  Soon I was
in a high state of arousal and I even started speaking out loud and making
comments about how hot the photos were.  I particularly liked this one
photo of a guy sitting and gazing down at his hard cock, and I kept going
back to look at it.  I realized the reason I liked it so much was because
the guy looked a lot like me, or at least an idealized version of me.  So I
commented on this and turned my phone towards the computer camera lens so
that I could video tape the photo to explain my point.  This was an
incredible turn on, looking at a photo of a beautiful naked man while
seeking my own naked and aroused body behind it.  Something must have come
over me because I set the phone down and said aloud, "When I look at
pictures of naked men like this, I can totally believe that I'm gay."
Saying this aloud did something immediate to me, because I was so overcome
with desire that I quickly said, "I'm gay!  I love men!" as I tilted back
my head and rubbed my rock hard cock and aching balls.

This incident started me on a journey that still hasn't ended yet.  I began
video taping myself jerking off and talking about being gay.  This led me
to talk about how it all began, when I first began fantasizing about having
sex with other guys when I was fourteen.  And the first time I ever had sex
with a guy just a couple years later.

			**************************

The summer I was fourteen, my family had recently moved to a new house.  I
naturally began exploring around the back yard and to my great surprise and
joy, I found a bag with copies of old Playboys and one Penthouse.  It took
me awhile, but I soon discovered the Forum section of the Penthouse and
began reading the letters.  Two letters especially caught my attention for
some reason. One of these described a couple having sex on a camping trip
when another couple suddenly runs into them.  This led to the couples
having sex in front of each other, and eventually to the two women going
off and having sex together.  Interestingly, the story also described the
two men sucking each other's cocks, but for some reason I didn't find that
as arousing at the time.  The other story could help explain why because it
involved two women, roommates and best friends, who suddenly discover their
sexual desire for each other.  It was very well written and I found it to
be extremely erotic, partly because it described how sensual and how turned
on the women were.  As a result, I read this story repeatedly.  A pictorial
in the magazine of two women having sex perfectly matched the story and
added fuel to my imagination.  I had never really thought about
homosexuality before this, and I certainly had never thought about two
people of the same sex making love.  But the story and the pictorial turned
me on more than anything I had ever experienced before.

At about the same time, my older sister let me borrow a book called the
Hite Report on Female Sexuality.  I guess she wanted me to learn something
about women and sex.  Little did she know just what an impact it would have
on me!  After my discovery of the letter and pictorial in Penthouse, I
gravitated to the sections in the book about lesbianism and bisexuality.
The descriptions by real women about the sex they had with each other
opened my eyes even more.  I even found some of them to be arousing as
well, and this added to the richness of my jerk-off fantasies.

Then one day, something was different.  I guess I had read the letter in
Penthouse so often that I knew it by heart.  The thought suddenly occurred
to me to put myself in the story.  When I did that, I naturally put one of
my friends into the story as well and began fantasizing about having sex
with him. I was suddenly overcome with such an incredible feeling of
arousal, even stronger than how I felt when I first read the letter and
looked at the pictorial.  Then I did something I had never done before:
instead of jerking off with my hand as usual, I decided to lay on top of
one of my pillows and rub my cock against it.  I came very quickly, and as
I tried to clean up the pillow, I felt a sense of shame.  Why did I
fantasize about my friend?  And why was I so turned on?  Did this mean I
was gay?  I didn't quite know how to deal with this, and I tried to push
these thoughts out of my mind by watching some TV with my family.  But
within a short time, I started thinking about the experience again and
about how turned on I had been and how wonderful it felt.  So I quickly
returned to my room, took off all my clothes, and grabbed the pillow I had
used before.  Only this time, I put a t-shirt beneath me to make clean up
easier.  I came again, just as fast as I did before.  And later, within a
couple of hours, I did the same thing again.  Obviously, something about
these fantasies turned me on more than anything else I had ever
experienced.  But I hadn't completely lost my attraction to girls.  I only
felt that I didn't have a chance in hell of having sex with one.

So you can see why these events came to my mind when I began video taping
myself talking about being gay.  I also talked about what came next, as I
tried the best I could in the next couple years to explore these homosexual
desires and what sex with another guy was like.  The Internet didn't exist
then, so that left books as the only possible source for me since I wasn't
old enough to buy any porn magazines.  To my surprise and delight, the
local library actually had a book about what I needed to know.  It was
called The Hite Report on Male Sexuality, a companion to the book my sister
had lent me.  The book had sections about the experiences of gay and
bisexual men, but it also had a section called "Sex and Physical Intimacy
Among Boys."  Apparently, girls didn't have the same kinds of sexual
experiences with each other that many boys do at a young age.  While I
hadn?t had any experiences yet, the descriptions in the book fit pretty
close to the fantasies I was having about my friends.  This was a great
help because I felt I wasn't quite ready for some of the things I read
about in the sections about adult gay men, or at least not quite ready to
imagine doing those things.

This would soon change, although I didn't know it at the time.  A new
family had just moved in across the street from us, and I quickly became
friends with the youngest boy in the family.  Even though Shad was a few
years younger than me, we seemed to have a lot in common and this led to
spending a lot of time with each other.  It took awhile, but I eventually
began to have fantasies about him.  I was afraid to admit this, especially
since I wasn't at all sure how he felt.  One time, he ask me for some
reason if I was gay, but I said no and tried to deflect the issue.

Then one day he asked me if I wanted to watch one of his older brother's
porn movies.  I didn?t hesitate to say yes.  However, it turned out that
the movie was just plain awful.  The lighting was unnatural and the bodies
not very attractive.  Yet Shad kept commenting about how hot the movie was.
Then he asked me if I wanted to try out a vibrator that belonged to his
parents. It wasn't a dildo-type vibrator, but a motor that you'd strap to
your hand to massage someone.  I couldn't believe my luck, but I tried to
act cool about it and told Shad he could go first.  Unfortunately, he
decided to use the vibrator to jerk off beneath a blanket.  I did manage to
catch a glimpse of his ass when he pulled down his pants, and it was enough
to keep me hoping.  I think he might actually have been a little
embarrassed about jerking off in front of me, but I wasn't about to give
him the satisfaction of seeing me half naked if he wasn't going to let me
see him.  So as soon as he finished, I grabbed another blanket to cover
myself as I jerked off with the vibrator.  But to my surprise, he walked
over and pulled the blanket off me. The vibrator was very strong and I was
soon at the edge.  Shad leered down at me and watched me as I came.  This
should have given me an idea about his true desires, but I was still a bit
clueless and didn't think much of it at the time.  As it turned out, I
needed a more direct approach to let down my guard and reveal my own
desires.

Looking back, Shad was always giving me little hints.  The problem was he
often used a joking tone of voice, such as when he'd say "Suck my dick!"
One time, I decided to take him up on his dare just to see what would
happen.  So when he said "Suck mine," I said "Okay."  He looked so stunned
that I had to laugh.  But I wasn't exactly serious because I still wasn't
sure about his motives.  If only I had said something like "Okay, let's go
to my room" or the old "I'll suck yours if you suck mine," things might
have started a little sooner between us.

Luckily, an opportunity did eventually arise, although I had no idea at the
time what was going to happen.  I can't remember the exact date, but I do
remember overhearing my sisters talking about playing with a Ouija board in
the basement.  I told Shad that we should hide and try to scare them, and
he thought that was a great idea.  The crawl space under the stairway to
the basement was used as a storage area and was the perfect spot to hide.
It was also very comfortable, if a little cramped, because we stored a
couple of soft mattresses along with extra pillows and boxes of old
clothes.  Shad and I crawled to the very back of the crawl space where the
mattresses were and settled down to wait for my sisters and their friends
to arrive.

We talked quietly as we waited and I don't know how we got on the subject,
but Shad mentioned a birthday party he had recently attended.  He said the
guy whose party it was had about the same size cock as mine.

How did he manage to see the guy's cock?  I wondered.  "Really?" I asked.

Shad explained that they played spin the bottle and he had to kiss the
guy's ass.  Now I was really confused.  I always thought that spin the
bottle was something you did with girls, and you had to kiss whoever the
bottle pointed at when it stopped spinning.  Only much later did I realize
that this sounded more like the circle jerks I read about in The Hite
Report on Male Sexuality.  I was intrigued but was too clueless to realize
what he was talking about.  In fact, I couldn't really believe he did that
and told him so.  Looking back, I should have said "Sounds like fun.  I
wish I was there."  I actually fantasized later about what would have
happened if I had been there, or if I went over to that guy's house with
Shad.

I still wasn't giving Shad much to work with by my reactions and comments,
but he didn't seem to want to give up because he started to rub my chest.
I was a little surprised, but we were stretched out side by side with him
sitting a little higher that I was.  It felt good and I didn't want him to
stop.

"You would let me rub your chest!"  he teased, but he didn't stop rubbing
it.

"Well only if you let me rub yours too," I finally said in response.

"Okay," he replied and moved his arm.  Luckily, he was left handed and
sitting on my left side and I'm right handed.  So it wasn't too difficult
to reach over at the same time and begin rubbing his chest.

My heart started beating faster at this and I think I heard him start
breathing heavier too.  We didn't say anything while we continued rubbing
each others chests, and then Shad was the first one to break the silence.

"This feels good."  And then, after a long pause, he asked, "Michael, are
you gay?"

"Do you think it's possible to be a little bit gay?"  I asked.

He didn't stop rubbing my chest, but instead gave a little smile.  "I guess
so."

My heart was really pounding at this point and I felt light headed as well.
My mouth was suddenly dry and I licked my lips.  "Well, I think I'm a
little bit gay," I finally said.

"I think I am too," Shad replied.

I was both surprised and pleased by his response.  Just by making a small
admission of my fantasies and desires, I had managed to break through a
barrier between us.

"What do you want to do?" he asked.

"What would you like to do?"  I knew full well what I wanted to do, but
probably because I was older than him, I wanted to make sure that whatever
we did he would agree to it willingly.

"I don?t know.  I don't really know exactly what to do," he admitted

At last, The Hite Report was going to come in handy.  "Well, there's lots
of things we can do.  We can beat each other off, (I just remembered that's
what he called it), we can suck each other's dick, alone or at the same
time, and we can rub our dicks together, (what I particularly fantasized
about).  We could also just cuddle, and if you wanted to, we could kiss," I
added shyly.

"Could we spend the night down here?" he asked.

"I don't know.  My parent's might get suspicious if they saw that my room
was empty."  I thought for a moment, and then had a brilliant idea.  "I
know, we could take these mattresses up to my room and used a blanket to
make tent so we'd have lots of privacy."

"Let's do that," Shad agreed.  Our plans to scare my sisters and their
friends officially abandoned, we each grabbed a mattress and
crawled/climbed out from under the stairs.

My parents were in the living room watching TV and my mom asked where I was
taking the mattresses.

"Just to my room," I replied and added, "Shad's going to spend the night."

It was not a strange thing for him to spend the night, and we just had to
make sure his parents knew too.  After he called his parents, we started
setting up my room.  I don't know how I managed to concentrate enough to
get this done because my heart was pounding the entire time.  But I was
also very nervous, feeling both excited and fearful about what was about to
happen.

First, Shad and I placed the mattresses in the middle of my room. Then
taking a blanket that my parent's used to have on their king-sized bed, I
draped it from the desk and stereo on one side of my room to my bed on the
other.  This created a "tent" over the mattresses, an almost cocoon-like
environment and the perfect place to explore our recently revealed desires.
But instead of just jumping in right away, we both just stood there
silently.

Shad was the first to say something.  "What do you want to do?" he asked me
again.

I thought for a moment.  I wanted to say, why don't we just take off our
clothes and do everything we possibly can with each other all night long.
But I settled with, "Well, how about just do what we were doing down in the
basement and see where it does?"

"Okay."

I crawled into the "tent" first and he followed.  I had placed all of my
pillows, including incidentally the one I used to rub against when I first
started fantasizing about guys.  This particular pillow was designed to sit
up against and usually I also used my sleeping pillow to add extra
cushioning.  But this time I also added a couple other spare pillows to
make Shad more comfortable too.  So I sat against my pillows and he sat
next to me with the others.

"Okay, let's rub each other?s chests like we were before," I said.

We both reach out simultaneously to touch the other?s chest and began to
rub gently.  Shad was the first to reach under my shirt to rub directly
against my skin, and I soon followed suit.

After a while, I decided to see if we could take things a little farther.
"Let's take off our shirts.  It'll feel a lot better."

Shad nodded and took off his t-shirt as I followed with mine.  I still
remember the shirt I wore: a sea blue polo shirt, probably from The Gap.
We quickly returned to rubbing each other's chests.  At that time, I was
completely smooth and so of course was Shad.  I was amazed how soft his
skin was, and how good it felt to finally touch him.  Once again, our
breathing started to get deeper and we looked into each other's eyes.
Luckily, I had left the bedroom light on and enough light was filtering
into the tent so we could see everything.  Unconsciously at least, I think
that's why I left the light on since it would have made more sense to turn
it off.  But I've always been a visual person and I knew I wanted to see
every inch of Shad's naked body if that were possible.  As it was, just
feeling and looking at his chest was a turn on.

He must have been just as turned on, because he then asked me something
that surprised me.  "Michael, can I kiss you?"

In my wildest dreams I had imagined kissing him, but I never really thought
it was possible.  I had read in The Hite Report about boys doing lots of
sexual things together without ever kissing each other, so I thought that
most likely Shad wouldn?t have wanted to.  I was so overcome that all I
could do was nod.

Shad leaned in hesitantly and I tipped my head slightly to the side to give
him better access.  After what seemed like forever, his soft lips touched
mine for a moment.  I was afraid to do anything more lest he get scared
off.  But instead, he leaned in closer and a rubbed his lips against mine.

I had kissed a girl before, my first and only girlfriend at the time, and I
remember thinking that kissing her was really strange and not at all what I
imagined it would be like.  In fact, it felt like holding my breath while
rubbing my lips against a soft object.  Incidentally, years later she came
out as a lesbian when she was in the Army and had sex with another woman.
The other woman either told another soldier or their commander and they
were both kicked out.  This was even before ?Don?t ask, don?t tell? so that
should kind of date me since she was just a year older than me.

Anyway, kissing Shad felt a little like that at first, but soon the desire
began to grow inside me and I wrapped my arms around him and crushed my
lips back against his.  We kissed for a few minutes until he pulled back,
and by then my cock was completely hard.

"Wow!" he said, a dazed look in his eyes.  "That was awesome! Let's do it
some more!"

So we embraced and kissed with even more passion, and I began rubbing his
back and he mine as best we could our current positions.

Finally, we stopped again to catch our breath.

"Do want to take off our clothes now?" I got up the courage to ask.

Shad nodded and began pulling off his shorts.  I had jeans on and had to
raise my hips to get them off me.  Next came our socks, and then just our
briefs were left.  I looked down at his briefs and saw his hard cock
pointing up and out.  I was surprised to see that it was smaller than mine,
but not by too much.  I couldn?t wait to get the chance to finally see it,
but when he reached over to touch mine through the cotton fabric, I decided
to be patient and do the same to him.

I didn?t have to wait long.  Shad soon reached down and touched me through
my briefs, and I almost came right then and there, it felt so good. But
luckily I held off and managed to finally touch him.  His groan told me
that he felt the same way, and I thought it was time that we went a little
further.

"Let's take these off," I suggested and almost simultaneously we both
slipped our own briefs completely down. Now that we were both completely
naked, the embrace we fell into felt even better and the kiss, as we
wrapped our arms around each other, even better as well. We pressed our
cocks together and I decided to try something I had fantasized about since
that first time I imagined having sex with another guy.  I rubbed my cock
against Shad's and the feeling was incredible!  I knew I wouldn?t last long
doing this, but I didn?t care.  All I cared about was increasing the
pleasure I was feeling.

Shad seemed to match me desire for desire and I soon felt him rubbing back
against my cock.  I then reached down and grabbed both of our cocks in my
hand and jerked us off together.  Shad groaned and that put me over the
edge.  My cum shot out to hit him in the chest and then run down my hand.
I could tell that he still couldn?t ejaculate because I felt his body
quiver and his cock jerk in my hand but nothing came out. I thought that he
would be disgusted by my semen, but instead he just smiled at me and then
reached down to touch the cum on his chest. To my surprise, he quickly
stuck his finger in his mouth.  I had never tasted my own cum, or wanted to
try, so I had no idea what it tasted like.  But he tipped his head to the
side and smiled again.

"Not bad," he replied.

At that moment, I was sorry that he couldn't ejaculate so that I could
taste his cum in turn.  I could have decided to taste my own, but the
moment of ecstasy had passed.  I was now just pleasantly happy that I had
finally had sex with another guy and it was just as good as I had imagined.
I wanted to cuddle with Shad, but decided to clean up first and grabbed
some tissues to wipe away the sticky and now cold semen from my hand and
his chest.

That I was nice," I commented when I was done, and Shad smiled and nodded.
He closed his eyes, the grin still on his face.  I decided to see if he
would actually let me cuddle with him, so I stretched out and next to him
and wrapped my arms around him.  He responded by turning in my direction
and kissing me on the lips.  We kissed passionately for a while and then
slowly relaxed in each other's arms.

As we lay, arms entwined, I thought to myself, "This is it. There's no
doubt about it now. I'm really, truly gay."

Shad must have read my mind because he asked, "Michael, does this mean that
we're gay now?"

"Yes, I think it does," I replied and when he didn't pull away, I knew that
he agreed.