Date: Thu, 23 Jun 2016 11:20:47 -0600
From: Mark Holfmore <mholfmore@gmail.com>
Subject: Remembering Shad Some More: The True Story

Remembering Shad: The True Story


I recently did a search on Nifty.org and was very surprised when I found
two stories that I wrote many years ago.  I was also surprised to see how
similar the stories were to each other as well as a story I submitted just
two years ago.  One of the other stories was published by Nifty in 1995 and
the other in 1996 when the Internet was starting to take off, but then
there were mostly newsgroups and other sites that contained sexually
explicit stories without any photos. I guess I must have submitted the
stories and then thought that they would never be published.  The first of
them, called "My First Times," described what happened when I began to
fantasize about other guys in the summer before I turned fourteen.  The
first part detailed my very first fantasy and what triggered it.  In the
story, I wrote that this fantasy involved a friend of mine named Ray, when
actually the boy's name was John.  In real life, I replaced John with Ray
in the fantasy a few months later.  Then the story went on to my
experiences with another friend named Shad.  The rest of the story was
exactly true to life until the very end when I wrote about hiding in my
basement.  After rubbing my chest, Shad really did move his hand down to my
waist and the opening of my jeans, but when he asked, "What would you do if
I didn't stop?"  I was too scared to say what I really wanted to say, and
what I wrote in the story, which was "I'd do the same for you."  The story
ended with him moving his hand further down.  I obviously planned to write
another part to the story and I think I stopped there because I probably
received a message that the story was too long, or maybe I just ran out of
time and planned to submit more stories.  Unfortunately, I never did write
another part to the story.



But a year later, I tried submitting another version of the story called
"True Life: My Friend, Shad."  This story also described the actual events
up to the same point, and then went into greater detail about my fantasy
about "what could have been" had I been brave enough and smart enough to
realize that he was all but asking me to have sex with him.  However, I
never knew how far he really wanted to go and I was afraid at the time that
he was just joking with me.  But another major reason for my hesitancy to
try anything more with him was that I was confused and conflicted about my
own sexual preference.  At the same time, I continued to replay the event
in my mind years later, which led me to write these two versions of the
same story within a year of each other.  Obviously, the fact that this was
my first sexual experience with another guy and the first chance I ever had
to go beyond masturbating in front of each other to actual sex has haunted
me to this day.  What if I had encouraged Shad to go further?  Was he gay,
or bi like I eventually began to accept that I was?  If we had done more
together, what impact would that have had on my sexual identity?  Would I
have decided that I was actually gay after that?


Fast forward almost twenty years later when I wrote my third version and
submitted it to Nifty under the title "Remembering Shad."  This version
described what led me to write the new version, namely that one day when I
was videotaping myself masturbating and talking to the camera, it suddenly
hit me that I was gay and that I loved men.


Once again, it took awhile for the story to be published and I began to
think it wasn't going to be.  But I guess I was a little more patient this
time and a few months later I found it posted on the archive.  Soon after
that, another man sent an email to the address I had listed with the story
and I wrote him back saying that the story was true up to a point and that
I was really bisexual.  Then my wife found the email because I hadn't
closed the window properly and she confronted me with what I had written in
the email. But she never read the story, so she didn't suspect the truth.


So now that I have found two other stories I wrote, I feel a need to share
what really happened with Shad.  I did write a true story version after I
wrote "Remembering Shad," but I deleted it from the computer because I was
afraid that my wife would find it.  I wish I had submitted it to Nifty
since it would have saved me this work.  But I guess it's just part of the
process I'm going through coming out, and now is the time to face the
regrets I have so I can move on with the process of accepting that I'm gay.


Getting, back to the story-- everything I wrote was true up to the point of
the Shad asking if I was gay.  I think I got the idea of the next part from
a story I had read on Nifty or some newsgroup.  One of the boys in the
story asked his friend if he thought it was possible to be "a little bit
gay."  I thought that would have been a good way to answer Shad's question
since I wouldn't have been exactly admitting that I was gay.  I also
thought that it might have given him an opening to admit that he too was a
"little bit gay."


But I didn't respond that way, and when he asked me what I'd do if he
didn't stop and continued to move his hand down my pants, instead of saying
that I'd do the same for him, I said "I'd scream."  I said it in what I
thought was a joking manner, and so he then asked, "I'll beat off for you
if you beat off for me."  Once again, I was stupid and thought to myself
"Isn't that what we've already done?  Hadn't he beat off in front of me and
I in front of him?  Of course, that wasn't what he meant and I missed my
chance.  I could have even tried something when he did sleep over that
night.  He even wanted to sleep in that crawl space under the stairs, but I
thought my parents would wonder where we were when actually they probably
wouldn't have noticed since I always stayed up so late.


Nothing did happen that night, but I did have two other chances to have sex
with Shad.  One of the happened when he came over while I was finishing
taking a shower.  He just barged into the bathroom just as I turned off the
water.  Since I was standing behind the curtain, he asked "What are you
doing in there, beating off?" And he pulled the shower curtain open.  I was
actually drying off and had my towel against my chest.  Shad didn't flinch,
so I decided to just act normally and finish drying off.  Shad just stood
there talking to me, and I was a little surprised that he didn't have a
problem with my nudity when he had told me cover myself up the last time I
was naked in front of him.  So I just kept drying off, and when I began
blow-drying my hair, I noticed that he was really looking at me.  Now I was
feeling a little uncomfortable, and as stupid as ever, since this should
have been my clue that he was actually enjoying looking at my body.  But
did I ask him to join be in the buff?  Did I ask him to join me in my room?
Of course not!  Instead I pushed him out the door!  He really put up a
struggle, (another clue) but I just wanted to finish drying off in peace.
If I had a dollar for every moment of cluelessness...


The next chance I had was at his house.  I can't remember why we went over
there, but I do remember that he disappeared at some point.  I went looking
for him and found that his door was closed.  I opened it as quickly as he
had opened the shower curtain and I saw him lying down on his bed, his
pants down, and the vibrator pressed against his crotch. He lay there,
frozen and I cheerfully asked, "Can I use it next?"  I really didn't think
that he'd let me, but a couple minutes later he came out of his bedroom and
handed me the vibrator.  It had to be plugged in, so I looked for the
nearest electric plug.  It was near a reclining chair, but since the cord
wasn't very long, I decided to just sit on the floor. I pulled down my
pants, and turned on the vibrator.  I was already hard, and just like the
first time, I was quickly brought to the edge of an orgasm.  As I came,
Shad appeared above me, leering down at me.  I luckily had a Kleenex in my
pocket and used it to clean up.  I pulled my pants back on and handed Shad
the vibrator.  We soon left to go back to my house, and as we were walking,
Shad spoke up. "Michael, what would you do if...?"  I don't remember what I
said in reply, but I now wonder if I had tried to get him to tell me what
he wanted to say and if I had managed to be understanding, he might have
told me why he had been leering at me earlier.  But I'll never know for
sure.


Things soon fell apart with him in a strange way.  I say strange because
one night at my house, he asked me if I wanted to get out my magazines and
beat off.  I said yes, and handed him one of my Playboys while I took the
other.  This time I decided not to get naked in front of him and instead
sat on my bed with my knees up and the magazine propped up against my legs
as I masturbated.  He sat on the other side of the bed perpendicular to me,
his back against the wall.  I could clearly see his cock and I'd glance at
it, but he seemed mostly engrossed in his magazine.  Both of us soon came
and I cleaned up (he didn't have to since he wasn't producing semen yet).
Later, we went over to a neighbor's to watch a movie.  My sister and her
friends were also there, and one of them was a girl that I liked.  I think
that's the reason why I acted the way I did when Shad started to kick is
foot against the edge of the couch I was sitting against.  I became really
irritated and told him to stop kicking the couch, and when he didn't, I
slammed my hand against his foot.  He got mad too, of course, but I can't
remember if he left or we just sat there in silence during the rest of the
movie.


A few weeks later, his family moved across town and the last time I saw him
was months later at the movie theater I worked at.  It was a small, two
screen theater and I was left in charge for the night.  I saw Shad walking
through the parking lot with a friend, but I'm not sure what exactly
happened next.  Either he yelled at me or I at him, and I started throwing
snow balls at him.  The kid working with me joined in and we chased both of
them away.  Interestingly, I later became attracted to the boy I was
working with, especially when he shared a collection of Penthouse Forum
letters he had stolen from his sister.  Two of the letters contained hot
descriptions of guys having sex with each other for the first time, and I
started fantasizing about having sex with him in the theater when we were
working alone.  One of the fantasies involved sharing which letter in the
Forum collection we liked best, and me admitting that I liked the one about
the guy sucking his own cock and telling the boy (his name was Chris) that
I wished I could do that too (I actually tried after I read it, but my cock
isn't long enough and I'm not flexible enough either.  When he then
admitted that he liked the letter too, I then shared that I liked the
man-to-man first time letters too.  But of course I was never brave enough,
and a year later when I came home from college, I found out that he had a
girl friend.


I still sometimes fantasize what might have happened with him, just as I
still sometimes fantasize about what could have happened with Shad.  I'm
convinced now that Shad wanted to at least beat me off but I'm not sure if
he would have wanted more.  If he didn't, it was probably best that we
didn't do anything because I would have wanted more.  But I'll never know
for sure, unless by some strange coincidence he reads my Nifty stories and
decides to get in touch with me by email...