Date: Wed, 18 Nov 2015 15:59:24 -0800
From: Douglas DD DD <thehakaanen@hotmail.com>
Subject: Rough Edges  Chapter 25

Greetings. Thanks for returning to read another chapter of "Rough Edges".
In his preadolescent way, Phil begins to question himself--his
sexuality in particular. He decides to take his feeling out on the
Wonkeys, focusing much of his anger and angst on Larry.

Please remember that the story is mine, that minor boys are
having sex, that you must be 18 to read about those minor boys
having sex, and that Nifty would love for you to give them a
donation to keep the stories coming.

HOME IS WHERE YOUR FRIENDS ARE

<Phil Miller>

The ride home from Andy's house depressed me, and not because of
Andy. He was sitting next to me in the back seat as cute and sweet as
ever. What depressed me were my feelings for him.

As much as I had said I didn't want to fuck him, I'd wanted to fuck him. I
wanted to find out what the fucking business was all about and I didn't want
to wait until Larry or one of the Wonkeys wanted to do it with me. At the
same time, I wanted my first time to be with Larry, while I realized that my
first time should be with a girl and not with a boy.

Andy had told me he thought he was gay. I'd all but told him I was too, and
I was thinking it might really be true. I didn't even know if an eleven-year-
old kid could be gay. I looked at Andy and he all but answered my question.
He seemed to be pretty confident that he was gay, and he was eleven just
like I was.

When we arrived at my house, he got out of the car with me and gave me a
big hug along with his beautiful smile. Even in my grumpy mood I couldn't
help feeling better being around him and being touched by him.

"Saying good-bye is better this time than it was the last time," he told me.

"How?"

"Because we know it's not forever and we know we'll always be best
friends."

I thought he was full of shit, but I didn't tell him that. Instead, I returned his
hug and stood on the corner until his car turned at the end of the block and
disappeared. What I didn't understand then is that the real reason saying
good-bye was better that time was that our weekend didn't have the
atmosphere of desperation and loss that we had felt during those last days
before he moved. The weekend was all about friendship and love (and sex)
and we parted with better feelings towards each other. My problems that
night had nothing to do with Andy and everything to do with me.

Keegan greeted me when I entered the house. "Did you and Andy have
fun?" he asked. He was surprisingly polite.

"Fuck you," I growled. I was positive what it was he was asking about—he
was asking if we did sex things.

"Up yours, too, asshole. I try to be nice and you're a fucktard as usual."

I flipped him off and went up to my room. I tossed my backpack on the floor
and flopped on my bed. I remembered I had promised to call Larry when I
got home but I decided I wasn't in the mood to be asked questions about
how my weekend went. In fact I didn't want to talk to him at all. He and
Keegan could both go fuck themselves as far as I was concerned.

My mind focused on my thoughts in the car and my fear that I was gay,
even though I knew it couldn't be true. It was nice kids like Andy who were
gay, not tough kids like me who liked to fight and get into trouble. It wasn't
the sex that bothered me. Lots of boys liked sex with each other. What
bothered me was that I found myself attracted to boys and not to girls. I
thought Andy and Larry were cute and sexy. I got turned on by the
Wonkeys. When I jerked off I thought about boys exclusively. That was
what bothered me.

Troy came quietly into the room. "I heard your entry," he said. "Tough
weekend?"

"Leave me the fuck alone," I barked.

I prepared myself for Troy losing his temper, but he stood over my bed and
looked at me calmly. "Take a deep breath, pause, and tell me what's
bugging you."

"You don't fucking listen very good."

He took a few steps back and sat on his bed. He just looked at me, saying
nothing and revealing nothing.

"What the fuck are you looking at?" I kept my voice low even though I
wanted to scream my lungs out. When he said nothing I raised my voice.
"Get out of my room."

He broke his silence saying, "It's my room, too."

"Not right now it ain't. Get out you stupid fucking cunt face bastard who
thinks he knows everything."

"It's pretty bad when you're a bigger asshole than Keegan. I expect a lot
better from you."

That little dig hurt. There was no way I could ever be a bigger asshole than
Keegan. I rolled over on my belly and buried my face into my pillow. "I just
want to be left alone."

"I'll give you a little time, but you and me, we're gonna have to talk, bro."

I said nothing and listened to him leave the room. I tried to keep my mind
from going back to telling me I might be gay, but it didn't work. I had a
concept of what gay was, but I also wasn't really sure what it actually
meant. I knew that being queer, and a faggot, and homo, wasn't good and
that being gay meant you were all of those things.

I fell asleep for about a half-hour and napped until I was rousted by Troy.
"Time to quit sulking and get up," he said as he shook me awake.

I rolled over on my back and glared at my brother. "Stick it up your ass," I
grumbled. I had received a good education in the art of cussing from the
short time I hung out with Carlos, Vance, Skyler, and Tim. Being around
Keegan didn't hurt either. Troy used to cuss a lot, but cleaned up his mouth
since starting high school, although he can throw out the curse words when
he feels like it. We won't even go into my father's vocabulary.

Troy startled me by grabbing my t-shirt and yanking me into a sitting
position. He looked me right in the eyes and read me the riot act. "Okay, let
me put it this way...it's time for you to quit lying in your own shit. It isn't
helping you or anybody else. Quit feeling fucking sorry for yourself, get your
ass out of bed, and start acting like the person we both know you are."
Like I said, he could curse when he wanted to.

"Is this the little talk we were gonna have?" I asked in a sassy tone.

"Maybe I ought to just spank your sorry ass."

"For what? I ain't done nothing."

"Damn, you can be a stubborn shit."

"You know it."

"Seriously, tell me what the problem is. It really does help to get shit off
your chest."

Before I could answer I heard the phone ring and then Keegan called my
name. I figured the call was from Larry. I wanted to ignore it, but with Troy
still gripping my t-shirt I decided to get up to answer, just to get him to let
me go.

Our conversation was short and not real sweet. I lied to him about
forgetting to call and then cut the conversation short and hung up. Troy was
watching me from the bottom of the stairs.

"You know, you can really be an asshole," he said. "No wonder you don't
have many friends. I have to wonder what the fuck Andy saw in you."

I wanted to tell him Andy liked the great sex—instead I turned and headed
for the kitchen where I smelled dinner cooking. Mom was making up
macaroni and cheese, which suited me fine. I hadn't said anything to her
since I got home, so I told her hello and even gave her a hug. I'm not much
at hugging my mom any more, but for some reason a hug from her was just
what I needed. She gave me a hug back and told me that she loved me.
Overall she wasn't a bad mom, and seemed to have gotten better with her
pills and stuff since dad left for Korea.

 After dinner I watched TV with Keegan, Troy, and mom. There wasn't a lot
of talk between us, but it seemed nice to be together. As far as I knew,
Keegan had stayed clean for the entire four-day weekend. Except for my
own self-doubts, life was actually pretty decent.

When Larry called I hadn't wanted to talk to him. As far as I was concerned
he was part of my problem with all the gay stuff happening between us. I
was done with that shit. It was time for me to be a stud and start chasing
girls.

Troy left me alone that night. There was no invitation into bed, no talking to
me about what was bugging me. He'd had his say and now it was time for
me to work things out. When we awoke Monday morning, I didn't join him
for a shower. I stayed in bed until he returned to our room and then took my
own shower.

When I got to the bus stop I walked to where Carlos, Skyler, and Vance
were standing. I had decided the night before that it was time for me to
change my allegiances again. Those three did nothing gay. Sure we had
jerked off together, but there was no kissing and no being "best friends"
kind of shit. With them I would have no doubt about who I was.

"Hey guys," I said with an air of nonchalance.

Skyler sidled over to me. He smelled of cigarette smoke. "What the fuck do
you want, Miller?"

"Just being friendly. A guy can be friendly, can't he?"

"Yeah, unless he's some kind of cocksucker who dissed his friends in the
middle of a fight."

"Look, I was in a weird space..."

"I'll tell you what a weird space is," Carlos spat. "A weird space is where
you will be after we kick your ass and the asses of all your queer friends all
over the South Hill. If I was you I'd be scared...I'd be really scared. Now go
over there and stand with the girls." Carlos pointed to the small group of
girls waiting for the bus to arrive.

Before things could escalate the bus came up the street. I boarded after the
three punks. The only empty seat I could see that wasn't next to a girl was
the one next to Larry. Reluctantly, I sat next to him.

"Hey, Phil," Larry said with what I construed to be forced friendliness. Since
I was sure he was faking it, I elected not to answer him. "Want to shoot
hoops after school?"

"No." I had no problem being negative.

"Oh." He sounded a little disappointed. "It would help us both for practice
tomorrow."

"I'm quitting the basketball team."

He gave me a surprised look. I realized I was just as surprised as he was.
I'd no intention of quitting the team, but I had ignored Troy's "pause" rule
and said the first thing that popped into my mind. When I thought about it,
however, it made sense. Why play on a team with a bunch of guys I no
longer wanted to be friends with.

Then another thought hit me. If Carlos and his stupid gang didn't want to be
friends with me, and if Andy lived across the bridge, then who was I going
to be friends with if I dumped the Wonkeys? I decided I'd figure that out
later. I was now so confused I didn't know what direction I was heading in.

"Oh," he finally said. "But you were doing good."

"So? I just don't want to play."

"Well, do what my dad says to do, sleep on it."

Larry was being altogether too nice about this. He should be chewing my
ass like Troy would if he knew what I was going to do.

I was having a tough time being mad at Larry. I simply liked him too much.
The problem was he was too much like Andy. He was simply a nice,
friendly person. He was the kind of guy I want to beat up when I'm, well,
wallowing "in my own shit" as Troy put it.

The big difference between Larry and Andy is that Larry has a tough
competitive streak in him. I could already see that in basketball. When
Andy played baseball and the team lost, he felt badly, but it didn't make him
mad. He just liked to play. Winning was more fun than losing, but playing
the game was what it was all about. While Larry was much the same way, I
could already see in practice that he didn't like getting beat. When the drills
got competitive, he could get the same bulldog determination I had. Feeling
the way I did made it really hard to be mad at Larry. Like I said, I liked him
too much.

Later in the day, Mr. Rodman didn't help things by calling on me to answer
a question in math class. "I didn't have my hand up," I complained.

"That doesn't mean I can't call on you. You know that," the teacher pointed
out.

"You never used to call on me even when my hand was up; now you just
decide to go and call on me?"

"We both know you know what the answer is, so just give it to me." Truth
be told, I hadn't been paying attention and didn't even know what the
question was. I was not expecting to get called on. I glanced over at Larry. I
could swear he had a smirk on his face and was laughing at me.

I didn't want to give Rodman the satisfaction of giving me detention or even
kicking me out of class so I gave him an answer. "Ninety," I said as I picked
a number out of thin air.

"Well, you were paying attention. Very good, Mr. Miller. Next time just give
me the answer without making a world class production out of it."

I had no idea where ninety came from. I looked at the problem Rodman
had written on the overhead projector. It was a problem I was capable of
working in my head, so maybe my brain was working the problem out
without my knowing it.

And that was how the day went. I stayed away from the Wonkeys all day,
paying no attention to them in class, sitting by myself at lunch, something I
had been used to, and ignoring them in the student foyer.

By the end of the day I wanted to slug somebody. Larry seemed like a good
target. It wasn't like I hadn't slugged him before. Slugging Larry would not
only allow me to hurt somebody, it would get me suspended, or better yet,
kicked out of school and I could find a new school to attend where
everybody would leave me alone.

I followed Larry out to the bus loading area after school. He was walking
with Q, who I suddenly hated as much as I hated Larry. I marched up to
Larry, ready to slug him without notice, when he suddenly turned and
shoved me, knocking me backwards on my ass.

"What the fuck did you do that for?" I said as I rose to my feet trying to
maintain my dignity. I got set to charge him when Daniel and Perry
appeared from nowhere and grabbed me from behind. I tried
unsuccessfully to shake them off. I wanted Larry more than ever.

"You are really a chicken shit," Larry said. A crowd was starting to gather
and I could see the bus stop monitor coming our way.

"Fuck I am," I yelled back. "I can kick your ass anytime I want to. Besides,
you're the one who pushed me."

Larry nodded his head and Daniel and Perry let me go. This surprised me
and it took a moment for me to realize Larry was now open to attack. But
Mr. Simon, the bus stop monitor, was suddenly standing between us.

"Is there a problem here?" he asked.

"No," Larry said innocently.

"It sure looked like it."

"We were showing Phil how to set a screen in basketball and I guess I set it
too hard."

Mr. Simon looked back-and-forth between us. "Is everything cool now?"

"Yeah, it's fine, isn't it Phil?"

I grunted and nodded my head. Mr. Simon stepped out from between us,
but didn't go anywhere until we'd boarded the bus. Daniel and Perry herded
me to the seat next to Larry and told me to sit there. I was ready to tell
them both to fuck off when Daniel yanked me into the seat. I might have
been stronger than Daniel, but he had leverage on me. I was ready to jump
up and fight him, figuring if I could take Troy I could certainly take Daniel.
Before I could move I felt two sets of hands on my shoulders—Perry and Q
were standing behind me holding me back.

Mr. Simon stepped on to the bus and looked our way, checking to see if we
were behaving. Since we weren't tearing the bus apart, he stepped back
down.

"You're getting off at my stop," Larry said with an assertive quietness.

"The fuck..."

"Shut up and listen," he said. "Even you aren't tough enough to take us all
on. You should have learned that when we had our big battle. The
Wonkeys are badder than anybody thinks. So just shut up until we get to
my house."

I had a feeling that the actions of Larry and the Wonkeys was planned. It
was like they anticipated what I was going to do and were prepared for it. I
didn't know if I liked being the victim of this conspiracy, but I kept my mouth
shut and did what I was told—for the time being.

<Larry Sanders>

Sometimes it is hard for me to believe what a little asshole Phil could be
when we first met. He is such a caring, gracious, considerate man that I
forget that wasn't always the case when he was a boy. I suppose I could
add even-tempered to his list of good traits, but he can still forget to pause
for a moment and put his mouth in gear before engaging his brain. The
difference between then and now is that when he goes into an asshole
mood he is even quicker to change gears and apologize.

I had finished correcting my tests and was pleased with the results. My so-
called remedial students were making good strides. They were not
mathematicians and never would be, but they were learning enough skills
to be able to survive in the world. As I stuffed the tests into my briefcase, I
thought about Phil and how the sixth-grade Wonkeys ganged up on him on
the Monday after Thanksgiving.

After his coldness on Sunday and his acting shitty on Monday morning, the
Wonkeys and I made Phil our main topic of conversation. They were
concerned, but when I informed them that he had told me he was quitting
basketball they got even more concerned.

"He's a tiger out on the floor," Q said at lunch. "He can't quit, we won't let
him."

"A tiger?" Jung questioned. "Where are his stripes?"

Perry reproached his friend. "Quit acting like you don't know nothing. It's
kind of like a saying, Jung."

"I know that," he replied, "but still, I can't imagine a tiger on a basketball
floor."

"You could if he started clawing you on defense," I told him.

Our conversation turned from Jung's clowning around about tigers to Phil's
attitude. We all agreed that we were getting to like Phil. We agreed that
he'd had hardly any of his cranky moods since the big "rumble" at the bus
stop. Therefore, something weird happened when he visited Andy to set
him off.

"I'll tell you something weird that happened this morning," Ben told us.

"What?" we asked him in unison. Ben and Phil boarded the bus at the
same stop.

"He started talking with Carlos and Skyler. It didn't look like they wanted to
talk to him."

"Do you think...?" Daniel started to ask.

"Think what?" Q asked.

"Think that he might try to nail one of us with one of his sneak attacks to
impress those assholes," I said. "He's really been in a freaky mood."

"This is news?"

"He's been pretty good since he started hanging with us."

"Well, yeah. We're so awesome you can't help but be pretty good."

"See, that's what I mean. Something is really bugging him and if we're
really going to be his friends we have to help him."

"That's Larry, always ready to help people," Jung said.

"And your point is?"

"Nothing, I was just saying."

"Anyway, what I was going to say is, I think he's gonna go on the attack to
make the Stupid Gang think he's cool." We had started calling Carlos,
Skyler, and their group the Stupid Gang. "So, before we can help him, we
have to stop him from being as stupid as they are."

"Maybe he really is as stupid as they are," Daniel offered.

"You know better than that," I scolded.

"And I was just saying."

"I'm just saying the Wonkeys need to act as a team to keep him from being
stupid since he really isn't stupid." I glared at Daniel, daring him to
challenge me.

"Don't worry. Whatever you guys plan, I'm in."

I grinned and we went to work making a plan. And now here we were on
the school bus, all but kidnapping Phil and taking him to my house.

Phil did make a half-hearted attempt to get off of the bus at his stop, but he
could see that all of the Wonkeys were ready to keep him from leaving. He
sat back in his seat and silently sulked. Ben stayed on the bus with us.
Carlos gave us all a funny look as he left the bus. I'm sure he was
wondering what the fuck was going on with our group.

Daniel and Jung stayed on the bus when we reached their stop. All of us
left the bus at my stop. I was ready for Phil to offer some resistance, but he
seemed to be resigned to his fate. Still, we were all prepared to stop him if
he decided to bolt after we got off of the bus.

He finally broke his silence as we stood around him. "So where are you
kidnappers taking me?"

"To Larry's house," Q informed him.

"What if I don't want to go?"

"Then we'll kick the crap out of you," I threatened. It was time for us to get
on his level.

"That's a joke."

"Don't forget who beat the Stupid Gang not very long ago," Ben, the martial
arts expert, reminded him.

"Whatever," Phil shrugged. But he got the message and walked with us to
my house. After we got him inside we escorted him to my room. I figured if
Phil threw a tantrum it would be better if he broke something in my room
instead of something in the living room.

"Okay, Larry, he's all yours," Q said. "If you trust him, that is."

"I trust him."

"So do we," Jung agreed. "Be nice to Larry," he instructed Phil, making
what could be construed as a veiled threat.

I saw my best friends, friends I'd known for years, out of the house. I then
went back up to  my room where my new best friend, whom I'd known as a
friend for only a month, sat in my room.

"What were you doing calling me a chicken shit in front of everybody?" he
asked as soon as I returned to the bedroom.

"Because you are," I replied. I sat down on my bed.

"I could kick the crap out of you any time I wanted."

"Probably, but if that's true why did you have to come up and attack me
from behind me instead of fighting fair? You did the same thing outside the
lunchroom that time you punched me. That's a chicken-shit way of fighting,
which makes you a chicken shit."

I was preparing myself for Phil to get out of my desk chair and attack me. I
was a bit frightened of what he might do.

What he did was nothing except take deep breaths. "Troy is right," he
whispered.

"Right about what?"

"That I need to pause before I do anything. That I don't have any friends
because I'm an asshole. He's right about lots of stuff. He's more right about
things than my dad who didn't even call us during Thanksgiving."

"Is that why you're mad, because of your dad?"

"Kinda. And because of Andy and because of you."

"What did we do?"

"You keep trying to be my friend."

By now I was quite confused; I was trying to figure out why wanting to be
his friend was a problem. I decided to let Phil keep talking.

"Me and Andy messed around."

"Is that why you're mad?  Andy and your dad sure make you mad a lot."

"Why do you want to be my friend? I mean, we've been, like, fighting since
we first saw each other."

"Not exactly—we've done a lot more good stuff."

Phil gave me an incredulous look. "I was all over you in homeroom the first
day of school."

"That's not the first time I saw you."

"The bus don't count."

"That wasn't the first time either," I told him.

"So when was it?"

"When our baseball teams played each other. I saw you playing catcher
and I liked you because you were there on the field taking charge of stuff.
Parker was our main catcher and all he did was try to catch the ball. You
never saw him taking charge like you did."

Phil got out of the chair and sat next to me on the bed. "Are you serious
about what you said?"

"Totally. Even dad saw it. He kept talking about what kind of leader you
were on the way home after the game."

"Which team were you on?"

"The Eagles."

"We beat you guys. It was, like, 10-6 I think. I had a couple of hits."

"And you threw me out at second trying to steal."

Phil laughed for the first time all day. "Funny, I don't even remember you.
Who else was on that team?"

"All of the Wonkeys except you and Ben."

Phil and I sat close to each other, our legs and arms touching. "And you
wanted to be my friend because of baseball?"

"Sort of. It was more because you were the coolest dude on the field that
game, I swear."

"That's why you kept bugging me about being your friend?"

I nodded. He lay his head against my shoulder and sighed deeply.

"Do you think we can tell if we're gay or not? I mean like now, before we're
even grown up?"

"I dunno and I don't care. Sometimes I wonder if I am, but everybody says
we're too young to know, so I don't worry about it." I wasn't ready to tell Phil
that I was relieved he had brought up the subject. While I was doing a
better job of coming to terms with my sexual feelings that Phil was, I was
still struck by bouts of teen angst, wishing I was "normal". Knowing Phil was
willing to talk about those same feelings made me feel a little better about
the romantic feelings I had for him.

"I was worrying about it because of how I feel about you and how I was
feeling about Andy."

"How do you feel?"

"I dunno, I just feel weird about you. I feel like the Wonkeys are the best
peeps in my life and I like you guys more than anybody." Phil kept
snuggling against me. "But I like you the best."

"Why?"

"Because you're here next to me, and because you always make me feel
good." He wrapped his right arm around my torso. "I'm sorry I was mean to
you since yesterday. And I'm really sorry I tried to hurt you." He pulled me
tightly against him, his head still on my shoulder. "I swear I won't ever be
that mean to you again."

I accepted his apology and his promise. I wasn't sure what to do after that,
so I kissed him on his forehead. He looked up at me, and we kissed on the
lips. It wasn't passionate and it wasn't really sexy, but it was a kiss that felt
right.

Phil stayed for dinner. He and my dad talked about the baseball game
where dad and I first saw Phil. It was Phil who brought the subject up and it
was dad who told him how Phil's leadership showed the kind of person he
was. He told Phil it took him a couple of visits to remember where he'd
seen Phil and he was pleased Phil brought up that game. Phil was beaming
as a result of my dad's praise.

When we took Phil home after he and I finished our homework, he quietly
thanked me for being his friend. The next day he rode the bus to my stop
as he always did. The atmosphere was a complete turnaround from the day
before.

The Wonkeys were pleased he quit being a jerk, although they remained a
bit leery of him until he apologized after school. They accepted his apology,
but made it clear that if he ever tried to hurt me again he would answer to
them.

We had basketball practice at five, and it was a rough and tumble hour of
drills and competition. Phil did everything in high gear and the rest of us
followed him. The Phil I saw on the court was the boy I'd seen on the
baseball field in June. He was a leader, he was focused, and most
importantly, he had won back the respect of the members of our team.

The day before had been a dark day. Phil would have other dark days and
he and I would have our dark moments together. But he fulfilled his
promise. He never again tried to hurt me. One thing I noticed during Phil's
visits is that he was always sure to acknowledge my father and talk to him,
even if it was only for a minute or so. I could tell that Phil had found a
second home at my house.

Next: The Joy of Being a Boy

Emails are always appreciated. They are our salaries. Douglas

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