Date: Sun, 23 Apr 2006 23:58:03 +0800
From: YoDawgs Bl.net <yodawgs.blnet@gmail.com>
Subject: The Search for Conscience, Chapter 13

"Sean." He called, placing his hand on Sean's motionless chest.

"Sean." He called a little louder. Oh god, what had he done?

"Sean!" he screamed.

No response.

He started shaking Sean vigorously, but only succeeded in rocking Sean's
still soft body on the carpet. He glanced at Sean's face again. He saw the
flash of green from Sean's half-opened eyes and knew that he indeed loved
this boy. He started crying, tears splashing on Sean's chest. What had he
done?

Without thinking, he laid his head down on Sean's chest, as he did
frequently the past few days. There was not a doubt in his mind that Sean,
his new brother, was dead, like his parents.

"You said you wouldn't leave me! And you did!" he screamed, stricken with
grief. Despite the loudness of his voice, neither John nor Regina entered
the room to investigate. Those thoughts were not in his mind at the moment,
obviously.

"Sean, oh god, I'm sorry. I love you so much. I want to wake up in the
morning and see your face as the first thing I'll ever see every time I
wake up. I'm sorry I hurt you. Now it's too late! You broke your promise,
Sean! Why did you leave me? We only got to know each other and you have
been so nice to me. Why couldn't I return the favour?" he rambled almost
incoherently, pressing into Sean's chest, stricken with grief.

Suddenly, a faint murmur stirred in Sean's chest. Cody raised his head and
looked at Sean's face. The beautiful green eyes were still sparkling. He
realized that Sean must have willingly inhaled the bathwater through his
nose, lost in the delusion that he, Cody, was on his way downstairs to
burst the bubble to his parents.

A glimmer of hope, albeit tiny, formed in Cody's heart. He began pumping
Sean's chest rhythmically. One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six. Seven. The
artificial respiration courses were crystal clear in his mind. They had to
be. He remembered the position of his hands, clenched fist, with palm
parallel to the ground, open palm on top, press firmly, not strongly.

He pried open Sean's mouth and hesitated for a split second, before his
thoughts fizzled out. He turned his head sideways and clamped the sides of
Sean's mouth with his lips, blowing in three times. He pumped Sean's chest
again. Exhaled again. Pumped again.

Cody did this for three rounds. On the third round, he pumped Sean's chest
hard, and blew almost desperately into Sean's mouth, to no avail. He lost
all hope. However, the feeling of dread and regret remained in him. He had
caused another death.

"John! Regina!" he yelled with despair, putting some of his grief into the
words, before breaking down and sobbing on Sean's chest. Everything was a
blur to him now, as was his parents' death. He felt as if everything around
him was surreal, as if he was in a dream.

A hurried thumping was heard before John burst through the toilet door,
dressed in a bathrobe and a questioning expression on his face. In a split
second, the expression changed from one confused, to one of horror. His
eyes opened wide, revealing green pupils, not unlike Sean, which dilated
rapidly. He knelt down beside Sean, calling his name in a choked
voice. Sean remained unresponsive. As a last resort, hoping against hope,
Cody punched Sean's solar plexus as hard as he could, as a gambit to force
the water out of his lungs. He ignored the agonized cry from John.

He succeeded where he had failed so many times before. A stream of water
trickled out of Sean's lips, making a small puddle on the carpeted floor,
where it would soon be absorbed by the cloth. John noticed the small
reaction, and together, both of them stared into Sean's half opened eyes
for a sign of life. An inkling of hope.

They were rewarded. With a loud hack, Sean spewed out the remaining water
in his lungs in the form of tiny droplets, where they were whisked away by
the slight breeze that blew in from the small window. A few more seconds
elapsed, before Sean let out a copious gasp, swallowing the air, filling
his lungs with it. John let out a sigh of relief, before saying to Cody:

"Stay here. I'm going to call Northwick Park hospital. It's the nearest. I
repeat, stay with him." With great urgency, he ran out of the bathroom,
massive feet pounding the wooden floor and causing it to creak with protest
with each step. Below Cody, Sean gasped again, expelling more water.

An over consuming sense of relief washed through him, as he watched his
step-brother regain his composure. The sparking green eyes that he adored
so much were glazed, as Sean repeatedly choked and gasped. He realized that
he had been a fool all along. He had refused to proclaim his love for Sean,
and it had nearly cost him the life of a loved one.

He hugged the gasping boy hard, squeezing the wind out of him, saying "I'm
sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry." Over and over again, as the tears splashed
from his conjunctiva. After a few seconds, he released his hold. Sean
needed as much air as he possibly could acquire. He took Sean's hand in his
hands.

"I... heard... you." Sean said weakly, between breaths.

"Don't speak, Sean. Save your breath. Help will be here soon, John's gone
to call the hospital. Just hold on!"

"I... heard... what... you... said."

"Shhh... it's alright.

"Cody... Don't let go. Please... stay with me... Promise..." Sean closed
his eyes and started taking deep breaths, his hand still gripping Cody's
hands tightly. Cody continued holding Sean's hand, while reaching for a
towel to provide Sean some privacy from the soon-arriving paramedics.

"Thanks..." murmured Sean. Cody patted Sean's chest and sat beside him for
the next ten minutes, when the paramedics arrived, John, white-faced, in
the lead. Cody heard the familiar strides of John, along with an unfamiliar
pattern of footsteps.

"Ere, where's the lad?" a rough voice asked.

"Over here. His brother's keeping an eye on him."

The bathroom door was pushed open, and a tall bearded man clad in the dark
green uniform of the British Health Services plodded in, leather shoes
imprinting the carpet. The paramedic knelt down beside Cody.

"How are you, mate?"

The paramedic asked quietly.

"I'm fine. Could you look at my brother, please?"

"I'm sure he's fine. Would you like to come outside, errr..."

"Cody."

"Right. Cody?"

"But he asked me to keep him company. I can't leave him. I won't." Cody
protested. As if he was perceptive to their conversation, Sean tightened
his grip on Cody's hands, knuckles whitening. The paramedic sighed. He knew
that they needed the boy to be in the hospital, to monitor his
status. However, Cody's presence inhibited them from hefting Sean onto a
gurney. He knew he had to do this the hard way.

"Frank! Alison! Bring the gurney up em' apples, won't you lot?"

Cody recognized the Cockney slang. Apples meant Stairs, as "Apples and
Pears" rhymed with "Stairs". He returned his attention to Sean. The skin on
Sean's body had become cream-white and clammy, as well as frighteningly
cold. He knew Sean needed medical attention, right now; everything depended
on him to let Sean go, for an instant.

He slowly pried Sean's grip on his hands, every tug wrenching his heart
with pain. He finally completed the difficult task, and stood beside John,
trying not to burst into tears. John put his arms around his shoulders,
squeezing them tightly.

"That's a good lad now. We're going to get your buddy here to the hospital
now. You'll see `im in a jiffy."

The paramedic bent down and lifted Sean up. Cody and John close in his
wake. He carried Sean all the way downstairs to the front porch, taking
care to secure the towel around Sean's waist. He placed Sean on the already
prepared stretcher, alongside two other paramedics. Looming ahead, outside
the gate, was an ambulance, identical to the ones Cody saw during the night
his parents died. Everything was the same, from the flashing red lights,
down to the red and yellow streak across the back of the windowed door,
which was ajar.

"Alright, reel `er in. Condition's stable, but I ain't gonna risk
anything."

The paramedics wordlessly loaded Sean into the ambulance. Cody ran towards
the ambulance frantically, afraid that they would leave without him, afraid
that he would break the promise with Sean.

"Wait!" he called, as he approached them. The female paramedic held the
door ajar as he clambered onto the ambulance. He glanced back at John, who
had taken his mobile phone out and was speaking animatedly into it, sweat
dripping from his face. He looked back at Cody, and a brief exchange of eye
contact let Cody know that he was to take care of Sean. A nod was all it
took to confirm this. He settled down beside Sean, once again taking hold
of Sean's hand, while the paramedics attached various pipes and drips into
Sean's body. He wondered why Regina was not in sight.

He could not bear to look at Sean's face, which was horribly disfigured by
the oxygen mask. He did not want to add to his stress and grief that befell
him. He just felt Sean's hand, rubbing the white skin on the palms, and
rested his face on his chest, listening to the steady thumping of Sean's
heart. Thank god, he thought. A few minutes ago, this strong heart was but
a mere shadow of itself. Cody did not ever want this heart to stop beating,
as he rested his cheek and pressed his ear against the middle of Sean's
chest. Sean's free arm, the left arm, was perpendicular to his body, and
bent at the elbow, hand pointing upwards. Sean was taking deep breaths,
torso rising and falling, to the continual relief of Cody.

He knew he would blame himself for Sean's death, if it did occur. After
all, he was the one who did not acknowledge Sean's heartfelt words, and
chose to leave the room when Sean was at his weakest. He knew why Sean had
done what he did, of course, but that did not make things any better. Rage
built up in him, at himself, during the entire ride to the hospital. The
siren of the ambulance blotted out everything else but the fact that Sean
might have been dead because of him.

After a few minutes through the sparse Sunday morning traffic, they finally
arrived, the timeframe being of forever to Cody. Once again, he was forced
to release his grip on Sean's hand, as the paramedics wheeled him in
through the Accident and Emergency Ward. He was about to follow them, when
he halted. This was the exact same hospital in which he had identified the
bodies of his parents. Northwick Park Hospital. The same entrance to the A
& E ward, the same positioning of the ambulances parked in front.

He paused, reliving the emotions of that fateful day, three months ago. The
feeling of suspense, hopelessness, oblivion to the future, not knowing what
he was going to find. Today was different, however. He knew Sean was going
to be alright, and that protocol required him to be brought to the hospital
for a check up. He remembered the knowing look that John gave him a few
minutes ago, and stepped quickly into the hospital. He spotted the gurney
carrying Sean to one of the covered wards, and chased it. As he approached
the ward that Sean was in, a male nurse stopped him.

"Err, excuse me. That's a private ward; you can't just go barging in."

Cody stared in disbelief.

"That's my brother! Let me in!" he yelled, attempting to push past. The man
held steady.

"How do I know you're not pulling a fast one on me? Maybe you're one of
those little blighters that can't keep their hands out of anything."

"Why won't you let me in? My brother is in there. Go and see for
yourself. I want to be with him. Please." He pleaded. The man stood his
ground, a faint incredulous smile crossing his lips. The rage built up in
Cody.

"Let me in!" he screamed, as loud as he could, elbowing the man in the
kidney area, taking him by surprise. He pulled open the coverings around
the ward, and came face to face with the bearded paramedic.

"Ere, took you long enough." he smiled.

"You're brother here's going to be alright. We'll keep `im in `ere for
monitoring, but `e'll be ready to go today. We also need to drain the
remainder of `em water in `is lungs."

At this point, the male nurse burst through the wrappings.

"Right then." He said, gripping Cody's arm and pulling him roughly towards
the exit. "You've had enough fun now. Come along nice and easy."

Tears of rage filled Cody's eyes. He braced himself to deliver a haymaker
to the part that mattered most on the nurse.

"Ere, excuse me." The bearded paramedic frowned.

"Wot you doin' with that lad there? E's his brother." The nurse started in
surprise. He looked from Cody's face to Sean's.

"They don't even look the same. Their hair colour tells it all. How can
they be brothers?" he commented snidely. The bearded paramedic took one
step towards the male nurse, radiating an air of supremacy. The nurse
automatically took one step backwards, pupils dilating with fear.

"You're that student from med-school, aren't you?" The nurse nodded
sheepishly.

"What school are ya from?"

"U-university College of London, sir."

"Well now, you're setting a fine example for a student from a university of
such caliber. Leave this poor kid alone. Go. Now." His tone was menacing,
losing its accent for a split second.

The nurse's eyes widened in shock, and he backed out wordlessly, drawing
the curtains back. The paramedic sighed.

"The bloody nerve of some people."

Cody walked towards Sean, who, thankfully, was stripped of the oxygen
mask. The white light of the hospital brought back feelings of nausea and
nostalgia. Sean's green eyes were still glazed, although the sparkling
glint remained. The bearded paramedic left silently.

"Oh, Sean."

Sean stared at him blankly. There were a few seconds of uncertainty before
a trace of recognition crossed Sean's eyes.

"Cody..." he said meekly. "Thank you... for staying... with me."

"No problem." He replied. "John's at home, he couldn't leave the house
unlocked. I don't know where your mom is."

"Our... mom..." Sean forced out, half closing his eyes.

"Why did you do it, Sean?"

"Do what?"

"You know."

"I didn't do anything, Cody. I fell asleep."

"No, your reflexes would wake you up. Why did you do it? Why didn't you
just come out? I was waiting for you, Sean. My life won't be any easier if
you take your life like that. I don't need another death, especially a
death of a loved one. Why didn't you just come out? For god's sake, do you
know what I would have done if you had died?"

He asked, frantically, voice etched with anger. But it was not anger at
Sean; it was anger directed at himself. And it was wrong to take it out on
Sean, no matter how enraged he was. Sean winced at the power of his words.

"Cody... I..." he began, struggling to find words. Cody knew he was
wrong. Before he knew it, he had latched himself onto Sean, wrapping his
arms around Sean's chest and clasping his hands behind Sean's back, holding
him tightly.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I've treated you so badly. I
love you, Sean. You're my brother. How could I do that to you?" He cried,
hysterically, breaking down.

"I don't...hate...you..." Sean whispered, weakly stroking Cody's back.

"But I hate me." Cody sobbed.

"Don't... worry..." Sean rasped, breathing into Cody's shoulder. Cody was
again consumed with regret, and spent an indefinite amount of time just
holding on to Sean, gripping his bare back and pressing his body against
Sean's. He needed this boy in his life now. So he held on, for dear
life. He took off his blazer, and draped it around Sean's back, before
putting his hands in the sleeves, from the outside. He then found Sean's
bare back again, and held on, Sean breathing gently.

"Thanks... I... was... cold..."

Cody lost track of time. He had absolutely no idea how long he and Sean
were locked in that embrace. All he knew was that this was the place he
wanted to be in, at this very moment, in his life. Nowhere else. He
scratched Sean's back, causing the boy to sigh. He took care not to disturb
the devices that monitored Sean's life signs, and did not remove the
plastic suction cups on Sean's chest. He closed his eyes, whittling away
time, wondering when John and Regina would arrive. The blip-blips of the
machines gave him a sense of peace; every time he heard them, he felt
Sean's heart beat against his own chest, radiating unseen affection and
heat..

He heard the curtains drawn, and saw two familiar faces. Of course. His
parents. Regina walked in; face formed with worry, and gave a gasp of
relief as she spotted Sean's relatively healthy condition. She practically
ran towards them, her high heels making quick little clicks on the floor as
she hurried. She was dressed in a plaid winter coat, which stretched down
to her calves, and had a fur lining along the zip. It was zipped up to her
collar, where Cody spotted a bright red scarf with black checkers, ending
in a frilly pattern. Behind her, John stood, dressed in a half-unzipped
black leather jacket, with a button-up shirt half-revealed, and a pair of
long black dress trousers.

"Sean!" Regina gasped, wrapping her arms around both of them. "Cody!"

"Thank god!" she uttered.

Cody agreed.

"Yes. Thank god I will, for every day I live." He said.

"No, thank god for you, Cody." She said softly, stroking his blonde
hair. John nodded with approval behind, a smile carved on his face.

The bearded paramedic appeared as suddenly as he had disappeared, pulling
the curtains aside from another angle and causing Regina to scream "Geez!",
while Sean started violently, clutching Cody tightly.

"Well, then. We'd better get the little bugger to a proper ward, right?
Shall we? We `ave to clean summat that fluid out of `is lungs."

Cody was about to relinquish his hold on Sean, as he knew that Sean was
about to be relocated. However, when he attempted to pry himself from Sean,
he encountered firm resistance, as Sean groaned in objection, hugging him
tighter, pinning his chest to Sean's.

"Sean, I need to go." He tried pulling himself away, but Sean would not
allow it. Cody felt Sean clinging to him like a limpet. John tried
reassuring Sean, but to no avail. Sean simply would not let go, and would
groan and moan with discomfort every time he thought Cody was going to be
detached from him. Cody looked at the paramedic for directions. The
paramedic smiled.

"Looks like we `ave to go as it is, then lad." He disengaged the brakes of
the stretcher and began wheeling Sean and Cody toward the minors'
ward. John and Regina followed, at ease, now that the situation had
dissipated. Their voices were audible to Cody, but they hushed. Cody knew
that he was the subject of their conversation. And on good grounds that he
was, too. What else could have caused this issue?

"Quite a duo you've got here, eh?" The paramedic commented.

"Indeed. We love both of them so much. They've practically become
inseparable." John replied, patting Cody's shoulder.

They were wheeled into a lift with dual doors, both on each end.

"Look, Sean. There are two doors for this lift? I wonder what it's for."

"I dunno." Sean mumbled, still in a stupor. Regina was running her fingers
through his hair, and tugging affectionately at Cody's blazer, that he was
adorned in.

The lift door opened with a ding, announcing their arrival. The stretcher
was wheeled through a set of double-doors and down a long passage, with
white fluorescent lights announcing their presence in the form of
rectangular tubes. They entered Ward Three, and the paramedic docked the
gurney, locking it in place by depressing the brake pads with his foot. The
paramedic leant over.

"Cody, we `ave to drain `em water in `is lungs. It's going to `urt a
little." He whispered to Cody.

Cody turned to Sean.

"Sean, I have to let go of you for a moment. Your lungs are filled with
water, and if we don't get it out, many complications may occur later. I
don't want that to happen to my brother."

Sean groaned in protest as Cody once again tried to free himself, but he
seemed to know the consequences of his actions. After a few minutes, he
allowed Cody to extricate himself, the blazer falling from his back,
revealing his bare chest. He shivered. Cody immediately pulled the blazer
over Sean again, and directed his arms into the sleeves.

"Cheers..." Sean muttered.

"Sean, if you could lean over, please." the paramedic asked gently. Sean
obliged, and Cody could see him trembling with anticipation for the pain he
was about to receive. A swish of white beside him brought his senses to a
new character. A doctor had entered the ward when he was busy releasing his
grip on Sean. The doctor wore a blue shirt, covered by a white lab coat,
with a name tag pinned to his left pocket, and a stethoscope dangled from
his neck.

Without uttering a word the doctor retrieved a transparent pipe from the
tray he was pushing into the ward. He knelt down beside Sean.

"Hold him still." He ordered the bearded paramedic, who immediately obeyed.

"Open wide, boy. This will hurt. But only for awhile. Deal with it." The
doctor said curtly. John frowned at the statement, and started to move
toward the doctor, but Regina grabbed his hand and restrained him, more
emotionally than physically.

"I'm going to call the twins. They might want to come." John said, striding
from the ward.

Cody immediately took Sean's hand, gripping it tightly. The doctor pulled
Sean's head up, so that his esophagus was in line with his anatomy. A nurse
shone a torch into Sean's mouth, and without further ado, the doctor
inserted the long, transparent, flexible tube into Sean's mouth. Sean
immediately gagged and stiffened up, clutching Cody's hand so tightly that
it hurt.

Tears started to flow from Sean's face, due to the amount of gagging and
pain he was undergoing. He fidgeted a little, and the bearded paramedic
enforced his grip on Sean.

"Nurse, would you turn on the machine, please?" The nurse strode demurely
to the machine, and flipped the switch. Immediately, horrible distorted
sounds came echoing out of Sean's throat. It sounded like Sean was clearing
his throat, but multiplied in magnitude. Sean started choking, voice
piercing the air.

"Ah!... Ugh..." was all he managed to say, as more tears trickled down the
sides of his face. Cody gripped his hand tightly, but knew better than to
touch Sean anywhere else. He would cause more harm than good if he did. He
refused to look at the substance coming out through the tubes, knowing that
it would be Sean's bodily fluids. He did not want to be tortured by images
of his newly acquired step brother's product of innards. He laid his head
next to Sean, watching his face and staring into his eyes, while Sean's
body quivered in throes of agony. Behind them, Regina clapped her hands to
her mouth and looked away.

At last, it was over. The doctor carefully retracted the device, and
replaced it in its original position, before thanking the nurse and
wheeling the trolley out without another word. Sean gagged loudly a few
seconds after the tube was swiftly pulled from his throat. He turned over,
physically and emotionally drained. Cody reached out and rubbed Sean's
back, feeling the muscles through his blazer. The paramedic had already
relinquished his hold on Sean, and was idly chatting with Regina and John
in the background.

"Stay with me, please." Sean's voice, muffled by the sheets, begged.

"Sure." Cody clambered onto the bed, using the metal railings as support.

"Oh Cody, it hurts so much." Sean moaned, the after effect of the procedure
weakening his voice.

"I'm so sorry, Sean."

"Don't be." Sean flipped over onto his back, half-revealing his washboard
stomach and part of his chest. Cody could make out some freckles on Sean's
chest. He gently laid his head down upon Sean's solar plexus, rubbing his
hair into Sean's ribs. Sean giggled weakly, coughing as he did. Suddenly,
he stiffened.

"Cody."

"What?"

"Your hair... it's different."

"What do you mean?"

"Mom. Come and look at Cody's hair." Regina stepped forward quickly.

"Why? What's with his hair?" she inquired.

"Just look."

Regina ran her fingers through Cody's hair. Not unlike Sean, she started,
and let out a gasp.

"Cody, part of your hair has turned white."

He gazed into her eyes with shock.

"W-what?"

"John, take a look."

John hurried over and witnessed the phenomenon. He stood there swaying for
a moment before he patted Cody on the shoulder.

"Well, I suppose that's another trait we can show our friends. It would be
a lovely party livener, don't you think?" he said jokingly, squeezing the
shoulder.

"John, why do I have white hair?"

"I suppose it happens when someone goes through a significant amount of
stress, Cody. Of all the people, I am of the opinion that you were the one
who was under the most pressure. Which explains this occurrence. You did
well, son. You did well."

He leant over and hugged Cody, a first. Cody was thrilled, and nearly cried
with happiness. His initiation into the family had been brought to his
knowledge by Regina, but John completed the chain of love. He again rested
his head upon Sean's sternum, listening to Sean's steady beating of the
heart. He played with the rubber suction cups that were scattered around
Sean's chest, and stroked Sean's neck. Sean giggled softly and buttoned the
blazer over both of them, giving the impression that he was
pregnant. Regina spotted the unorthodox shape and chuckled with mirth.

The double doors burst open, and a gaggle of voices filled the room. Two
voices were distinctly unfamiliar.

"We came here as fast as we could when we received your call. I'm glad to
hear that Sean made it." A smooth male voice, heavily accented in the
American New-York style, stated.

"Thank god. Seth and Sebastian would have been absolutely devastated. We
woke them up, and they were no problem at all. Seth even showered without
Sebastian's help, which is very unusual. Usually he just leans against the
wall while Sebastian washes him."

Cody felt two pairs of hands rubbing his back a few seconds later, followed
by a giggle that could only be Seth. He felt his ear being tweaked
playfully, and a cry of "Hey, Dawg. Wassup?" followed. He looked up.

Past Sean's grinning face was Seth's very own radiant face. Or was it
Sebastian's?