Date: Fri, 23 Mar 2001 17:14:47 -0000
From: Jamie <virus@dial.pipex.com>
Subject: Shadows-in-the-curtains-3

Same stuff - don't read this is u r underage or u don't like reading stories
of love between two boys.

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`Jay, I'm gay.'

Oh God, I shouldn't have said that. Why did I do it? I was at this point
kicking myself, not knowing how he would respond.

Jay sat there quite calmly for a few minutes. He didn't move, and his face
didn't change. He wasn't smiling and he wasn't crying. There was nothing to
say that he had decided either way about me or our friendship. Was I being
paranoid, or did this mean that it would soon be over for me? My panic was
heightening by the minute. I was being to scare myself.

He pushed himself up from the bed and moved slowly towards the door. His
shoulders had sagged and when he turned around in the doorframe he couldn't
look at me and kept his eyes permanently fixed on the carpeted floor.

`I've gotta...er...I'll just be...If you give me a minute...I can't...see ya later,
Alex.' His words cut through me like a knife and I went down. My head
crashed back into the pillow and I turned to bury my face into the inanimate
object that could cause me no harm. The door closed softly behind him and he
trudged slowly down the stairs. I could tell from his tread that he was not
faking any of this just to freak me out. There was nothing that I could do.

I heard Kate meet Jay in the hallway downstairs and asked him what was
wrong. After a huge grilling about if anything had happened with me. Leaving
an unresponsive Jay to his own devices I heard her come up the stairs to see
what was wrong. This was the last thing I needed right now, and something
that I couldn't deal with. Images of her throwing me out of the house
flashed across my mind. They were disturbing, and I could not think about
any of this. I just wanted the floor to open up and swallow me whole.

The door creaked open and Kate saw me lying on the bed. I was visibly shaken
and she automatically assumed that Jay had done something to upset me. Her
expression visibly shot to pure anger and she began to roll of the things
that could have happened in her mind. There was no knowing what would happen
if she found out. If she did confront Jay about what happened, who was to
say he wouldn't tell her. Then I'd be in even bigger trouble than I already
was. There was nothing I could do to stop this chain of events from
unfolding.

`Did he bring up what happened last night?' She asked me, leaning on the bed
beside me. Lightly she stroked my back and I shook my head in the negative.
So that is what she was thinking -- that Jay had brought up the attack. I
confirmed that it wasn't Jay who had done anything to me. It was something
that I couldn't tell her at the time and needed to sort out with Jay. She
seemed to understand and allowed me to return to my pillow.

That evening I came down to supper after the shout had gone up and I found
myself seated across from Jay at the table in the kitchen. It was a large
room with a counter that ran around the side of the room, with a sink that
sank into it's folds. In the centre of the room there was a high table that
could seat six people comfortably.

Dexter had taken his food up to his room, located next to mine, so that I
could shout if I needed him at any time during the night. He kept pretty
much to himself when he knew that I needed to be with my friends.
Unfortunately he didn't know that we weren't very good friends anymore. In
fact that had become the understatement of the century. Jay loathed and
despised me and what I was going through. Helpless wasn't anywhere near the
feeling I felt.

Jay still couldn't look at me in the face, and kept his head buried in the
act of eating for most of the meal. Except for the time when he looked up to
answer Kate a few times. He was totally unresponsive, and so I didn't ask
him any questions -- knowing that he wouldn't answer. With a few words he had
crushed me to bits and I couldn't do anything about it yet. Feeling that I
was almost strangled by him. Coming out was meant to be hard, but nothing
could be as painful as this -- not even the fate that awaited me if Dexter
hadn't found me last night before it was too late. I imagined Jay as the
monster trying to kill me but it was no good; I still loved him, no matter
what he did to me.

He excused himself early from dinner and went to his room to watch some TV.
Ray tried to apologise to me for him, but I shrugged it off with a forced
smile. I assured him that it was okay and we just needed to work out a few
things. He relented and I followed Jay from the table.

I found him in his room, lying on the bed with his face glued to the
flashing screen that was held on a beam protruding about ten feet from the
floor. He didn't respond to my entrance and just turned the volume up on the
TV.

My head had been spinning for the past hour and I couldn't stand it any
longer. I flew at the TV and flicked the `off' switch with a vengeance.
Turning to face him I demanded what he thought about me.

`Am I some sorta homosexual scum to you?' I asked the figure lying on the
bed. I wasn't so sure it was Jay anymore, I didn't recognise any of these
character traits.

`I don't know, Alex. It's difficult...because...' He started to sit up.

I seemed to lose it. A strange sensation came over me.

`...Because of what? Because I'm disgusting to you? Is that it? Well I'm
sorry, but I'm not always perfect and this just happens to be something that
you find a flaw in!' I was shouting now, my anger creeping out little by
little. I was growing red in the face and didn't see the tears starting to
fall from his face.

`Alex...I...What I mean is that...look, it doesn't matter! I don't give a shit
about it!' He managed to raise a small smile.

Did he mean that? Did he just say that he was okay with my being gay? This
was amazing. It was a result that I couldn't have ever hoped for. I jumped
on the bed and grabbed him into a large bear hug. When he was at the point
of choking I let him go and he smiled at me.

`Are you sure you're okay with it?' I looked at him and his face smiled but
his eyes didn't. I could see that he clearly wasn't okay with it, however he
seemed to be hiding it for my sake. I left it at that and smiled back at
him.

The feeling that he wasn't completely fine with me being gay was soon lost
as he pushed me away, giggling.

`Hey, Alex, get off me. Videogame time!' He jumped up and sped off down the
stairs. I followed him and was just thankful that I hadn't lost my best
friend in the world. Now I needed to get over the other worrying thing -- my
ordeal with Tremblant.



`Alex, I think you should come in here for a minute.' Ray's voice called
into the small computer room and it was not altogether pleasant.

I jumped up and left Jay to race his group of red pixels around the virtual
racecourse, whilst I went to see what was happening with his Dad.

Moving into the high-ceilinged sitting room I found that he was standing by
the roaring fire, which seemed to be losing all it's heat to the chimney.
The room was suddenly very cold when I entered and the hairs on the back of
my neck began to stand up. Kate's expression was easy to read, easier than
her son's; she was scared. It was pure and simple, they were both scared to
death. It couldn't be for their own safety, they wouldn't have told me
anything. However, when Dexter emerged from the drinks cabinet holding a
tall glass of soda water, I knew that it was me they were scared for.

`He's got out, hasn't he?' My fingers had begun to tremble and there was a
cold sweat forming at the base of my throat.

Dexter took charge of the situation and turned to face me. There was a
coldness in his eyes that I didn't like. Seeming to be powerless was not
something that Dexter did well, and he was doing ti now. Uncomfortable was
the word to describe his demeanour.

`What's up?' Jay had come in from the computer room, and he jumped back onto
one of the sofas, his legs crossed and his hands clasped under his chin.

No one particularly wanted to tell him, but he seemed to know from the
silence. It was noticeable that this silence had become more effective than
words ever could be, and at the moment it was an eerie silence.

`We've alerted HM Customs and the Buckingham Palace Press Office. Her
Majesty said she would like to speak to you as soon as possible.' He noticed
the expression on my face. `Don't worry, Alex, he won't get out of the
country. If he tries we'll have him. In the mean time, you can stay here and
be safe from him. He can't get you if he's back in England.' Dexter made his
views clear to me. I didn't buy it though.

`What if he gets through?' My own thoughts were definitely centred on the
possibilities that could happen, not the more likely simulations.

`He won't get through, Alex, you know he won't.' But I didn't. There was no
way that any of us could be sure.

Once before, his tenth victim, he had been disturbed by the police and had
to escape from the building. The next month he returned to the
thirteen-year-old and beat him to death with a steel hammer. Seeing the face
caved in, the Sun reported it the next day, was too much for me to bare.
What if he came after me like he did to the other? Already having killed
more than thirty, it was difficult to deny that Tremblant could come after
me.

`He's coming to get me isn't he?' I shouted at Dexter. `You've let him go,
and he's going to tear my fucking face off!' I ran from the room.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Jay could hear the inconstant sobs as he came into the room. I was sitting
with my back to the bed on the opposite side of the room and so was obscured
from view. After searching for a few minutes he eventually found me, and lay
face down on the bed above my head. His own head rested on mine, and we
rocked back and forth.

I didn't want to believe that Tremblant was out of custody, even worse that
he had managed to escape from supposedly the best officers in the country.
That didn't bode well for me here in the US.

With his own way of doing things, Jay was calm and predictable. Logical
thinking was what he did best, and he was doing it now. Lying where he was,
he would plough through all the information and then devise the best
solution to the problem. I could hear his mind working. There was a sharp
silence as he mulled over the information -- ordering and categorising it.

What was the problem though? For one, it would be that Tremblant would find
me, but the second was how the American press would attack the British, and
particularly my own family. This had become a more immediate worry to the
Press Secretary, and earlier we had had an extensive telephone conversation
about what would happen. At fourteen I knew very little, but was still
expected to come up with my own ideas about things. It could sometimes be
very difficult and frustrating. However, Jay was here to help me this time.

I looked up at him; my tears had dried now, and saw that he had his eyes
closed. With a furled brow, I knew that he was not sleeping, but still
thinking. He seemed to sense me looking at him, and his eyes fluttered open.
A deep brown iris surrounded a large pupil that was quietly shrinking to
adjust to the sudden influx of light. His expression suddenly changed to one
of passivity and his head cocked to one side. He was still leaning over the
side of the bed, but he quickly swung himself over it and sat down beside me
on the floor. Not saying anything he just looked at me, his blond hair was
uncombed from the shower this afternoon and had dried in a curtain-like
fashion over his head. It looked cuter that way -- sexy almost. Well, I say
almost; it was sexy. It was very sexy. I felt myself getting a boner and
quickly my hands flew to cover it, lest he should notice.

Jay's eyes never left my own. There was something strange about him not
saying anything. However, the answer soon came when he unexpectedly pulled
my head to his and pressed his soft, warm lips against my own. Massaging
them for a few seconds he quickly broke it off when I didn't reciprocate the
kiss. I couldn't -- I was too startled.

`I'm sorry.' He pulled back and sat staring at the floor with his hands in
his lap.

`Jay...' I started, but he interrupted.

`No, don't say anything. I'm sorry...I should never have...' But he didn't
finish his sentence, because I had some interrupting to do of my own.

Our lips met again, this time it was I who initiated the intimacy and it
lasted a lot longer. There was a warmth between us that I had never felt
before. The feeling was almost electric in origin and it gave me a security
that I couldn't feel even with Dexter.

My hands went to his shirt and I roamed around his chest. Letting my hand
locate every contour and bone I explored his upper body with relish.

This is what I had wanted to do for years, ever since I had known what sex
was. For me, it had all begun when I was ten. It was at this time that I
discovered masturbation. To talk about it may be crude, but the act of
pleasuring is so unique that to share it is thought impossible. The desire
to do so never leaves you, and here I was sharing it with another.

Sharing it with another man was also something I knew I had to do from an
early age. I realised my homosexuality from an early age, but it was not
until later that I finally accepted it. With the acceptance came the reality
of my situation. For if people knew that I was gay some would not like it.
In fact most of the population would find it horrendous. That was not
something that I was prepared to do. In time I would tell my family and let
them decide which would be the best way to broach the subject to everyone.
It was not for me to decide. There were a lot of things that I would never
get to decide. Love was one of these things -- oh how I hated the world, it
could be so cold.

I felt Jay's hands on my jeans and found that they were trying to locate the
fastening. I didn't know that I was ready for this. My mind raced to the
various situations that could arise if we were caught, or if someone found
out and leaked it. This is something that shouldn't get out. It mustn't get
out. It would ruin Jay if it did. Britain would take him apart -- the gay
American who stole a British prince. Of course this wasn't true, but the
tabloids would have a field day with the suchlike. It was not for me to
dictate my life to them, but rather them to run it for me. If I wanted to be
popular and respected, I needed them to be on my side; I didn't need to be
gay.

All these thoughts suddenly came to a head and I realised what we were
doing. This time I broke the kiss, and Jay just looked at me. His hand was
quickly withdrawn and he deserved an explanation. I didn't know if I could
give him one. It had always been difficult for me to find my voice, since so
many usually spoke up for me. There was always a secretary or an equerry to
go and speak to people when I found it too difficult to do so, or at least
thought I did. Now I was here with nowhere to run to and I had to face my
darkest fear head on. I had to tell Jay everything.

What made this worse was that I thought I had told him everything when I
first blurted out that I was gay. So this would be doubly difficult.

`Jay, I don't know if we should do this?' I finally stammered my thoughts.
They felt as though they were not mine, they were implanted there by years
of dictation and didactic teachings from my peers.

`I'm not going to lose you. I did before, remember?' He pulled me closer and
held me tight. I felt a tear hit the exposed base of my neck as he began to
sob.

I remembered all right. How could I forget leaving him at the airport that
day when he had to return to America?

Jay had been twelve, and I also. Earlier in the day a telephone ran in my
bedroom and I scooted from my place playing a computer game to answer it.
The voice on the opposite end was Kate's and I was surprised at this, since
she didn't usually call me on this line, which was for business, but on the
private line.

`Alex, I need to tell you something...'

Then came the awful truth about being recalled to America. The President had
suddenly had a change of heart and decided to appoint a new Ambassador to
Great Britain. This meant that the embassy was to be devoid of the Roberts
and they were to be relegated to a backwater political job in the States,
arranging for the kissing of babies. There was bitterness in my voice as I
put the phone back into the receiver. I was to meet them at the airport at
seven.

My Mother accompanied me, and even held me as we said goodbye. The rain was
sleeting down on the darkened runway, but it was still clear that I was
crying. I had to say farewell to the people who had taken care of me for the
past twelve years. It was uncertain that I would ever see them again, but I
hoped so. And as I held Jay here in my arms this all returned to me. The
answer had come to all my questions.

`Jay...screw them, just screw them all!' I reached to kiss him again and our
minds locked in unison as we did so. I was happy, really happy for the first
time in my life.

---------------------------------------

Okay, sorry this was so long in coming out. Sorry, I've been working on the
next chapter of Chris and Jamie, which is taking longer than expected. But I
will send out chapter 4 as soon as possible.

Please e-mail or IM

virus@dial.pipex.com

AOL IM: jam0015

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