Date: Mon, 22 Jan 2001 17:37:25 -0800 From: Tim Stillman <novemberhourglass@yahoo.com> Subject: Side Pocket "Side Pocket" by Timothy Stillman Bartleby, they called him. After the character in the Melville story. Modified in the boy's frame of reference. The clerk who stays after he is fired. And stays some more. And turns invisible and a dust witch there in the cloudy realms of a boy who is not one thing or another. A device, more than a staid friend even unto himself. Spider boy, they also called him. Nothing precise like Peter Parker scaling building sides. But here, because they let him watch. They let him come nearer than any pencil he had so shakily wielded before or since has ever done. But just. They told him not to scrape them with his eyes. That they would be most severe with him if he did so. The boys of his dorm room, here in the boarding school with its tight white collars of mid day and boychoirs in front of parents. As they stand on the bright black stage with the red deep vampiric blood curtains behind them, and they dwell within their own particular zest with whom to be sleeping with that night, in this creaky bed or that, in the dorm where Bartleby also stayed, call Thistle Down. Because the younger boys have to be met with resurgence by the older. And the younger boys are like thistles in the wind. Being held down in a gale of hands that are square usually and big and bruising and knowing and sheer stupid from knowing. As they stand there on the stage of the chapel in the darkness. As they become liquid night that is all fizz with sexuality binges that dress them up in our choir robes and make the under-class lick the stage floor, bare hard black painted wood, and shuffles of voices delegating who is to whom? in a shiny word silence as the boys wheel under under-classmen under then, and hold their legs up like wheelbarrow struts chushing them all over the stage. While some of the other boys sing some of the school Christian songs and not sonorously, not lugubriously, and not high pitched, as our choir master, a man with tall and a man with a deep and bright red Adams apple that seems to intercut one segment of his neck from the other, veins inscribed on it like writing that no one's ever been close enough to read, but here and now sung with vulgarities thrown in, all the swear words known. Here in the night as Bartleby is always in the night. As he is always in the pageant of a nine tenths stropping boy. A boy who is held down often and not on friendly terms or friendly turfs. Little seedlings that seem to have been blown here from other fields that were not sacrosanct with knowledge or true wisdom or any kind of umbrage that would take the place of this world and its wooden bafflements, its baleful eyes of some boy whose just been buggered the first night of the first semester, and how the cheery though heart pitted sweaty eyes of the other boys, there in their furtive butterfly hands that weave back and forth, oh god, and suggest anyone to the deposit of how boys got this way had better think again and think again some more. How they lingered into a kind of stereopticon that was forever making ancient the days of this moment, this now. With somehow, Bartleby, the dust catcher here in the spume of things, being here with out being here at all. This cheerless sexual junction as robes and then tight black school coats and then the tight black school pants are laid down on the dust bunny stage as the boys do their walking the naked young barrows home after a night's simple rendezvous that started with the grave yard a mile from campus where tombstones formed bed head boards that arms went to the sides of, and clung to, and songs like night sores went through the air. Songs that denigrated and solemnized and made the worst images possible, possible. Here, wood cuts and formed lanes. There, penis stropped harder than they thought, the owners of before, and then the pressing of the meat of them, just below the head. Just below the little mushroom clouds that always thistled past Bartleby who was placed down there to each boy in the grave yard, and here in the chapel on the choir stage. Always the older boys. The taller boys. The heavier boys. Propping. Plopping it into indecision. Into a kind of ruse that could have been needled to other clouds than the eyes of the boys so laid and so runneled over the naked grave yard. And popped into bones of other naked bodies as they were ladled into each other, two, sometimes three at a time, and the bigger boys, the upperclassmen rushing round the fields of stage wood with them. Making them eat their undies too, at the same time. And Bartleby, to whom would be said, "what do you think, invisible man?, dust catcher?, unerring inability to exist at all, what do you think?", and they would throve an erect little three or four inch penis under his wondered eyes, as though those eyes were eaves of night that could detect with the promise, with the purloined partial surprise that such things could occur under its healing ministrations. But then of course that wasn't it at all. They gave not a fig what Bartleby thought, for the boy thought too much and that was for too many vines twining into a mulch field that was cold these late November nights. Not letting Bartleby touch the little hard on right in front of him. Making him take the eyes of the older boy fondling the littler one naked in dirt or naked on stage, and all those other very humid very human eyes round about, as though they were in a kind of stylized purge that no one but Bartleby could figure out. That no one but Bartleby could figure out the purse or the prize or the planet that they were on. The first time they let Bartleby look-- Even the boys his own age made fun of him. Hazed him. Unmercifully. From the very beginning. Yes, the first time, he had been so seemingly conjoined. It was the first night he spent at the boarding rooms of this institution somewhere in Virginia, and he had been amazed that all his puzzle piece dreams would come true in such a real and tactile way, but the key word was tactile, because it was not Bartleby, boy of bones that rubbed too easily, head of thick black virtually impossible to comb hair, Bartleby who was of wide eyes and mouth that never opened no matter how many back hand slaps he would take to it over the years. Over the years that he stayed and stayed here, and never seemed to ever advance. Being young and younger. Not that first night, to have sex laid on him or into him. Not that first graveyard spurge where the boys had Bartleby stripped in a second, and tied him to a gravestone that read "Amy Waters--died age 3--so soon was she done for, who knows what she was begun for?," tied his hands to the sides of the cold stone marker that identified dust from the late 1800's both on the grave top and beneath it. And he had found his churlish body, his too pearl white, too pale, too weakened, too sickly body there under the eyes of the boys that he had looked at, they and their equivalent, for most of his life, as he would come to the gates of this cemetery near his home, from when he was a little child on, to look in at them, the boys, and the fraternity of black suits that doffed themselves off, or so it seemed, like black eaglets stripping down to their essentials in the black grass blades of the place. How the upperclassmen indoctrinated the younger boys, their heads still wet, the younger ones, with nursery rhymes and cauls half on their faces that the older boys had to pull with all their might, to rip the rubber rumors from them, that partitioned childhood with a certain popular ante room known as adolescence when the voice is neither gawky nor heralded, but a kind of nether scope that would forever lame anyone but the bearer in question to the life's work that just getting out the gilded scope of the breaking voice from girl seed striving for man goal did the injuries to the boys to whom such consecrated sexuality should be ensconced on them in and at the very same time. And how Bartleby, always Bartleby, always Bartleby by the Sea where his washerwoman mother did her work in other women's, other family's so fine and fancy houses, including the families who sent their sons to school here, and Bartleby there in summers helping her, and Bartleby laughed at by the very boys who would soon see or had already seen, outside the gates as he sat stroking himself, as these very boys their white puck asses in the air going in and again downward as though made of flashing human waves, digging their dicks into the mouths of boys far older than Bartleby then, and then not quite so much older, and then at approximately the same age, and then the very same age. As his mother worked hard enough, long enough, was demeaned enough and had her water basket kicked over enough times by recalcitrant boys who always said a mock "oh pardon me" to her as she was on her knees scrubbing their filthy bathrooms, and the boys tripping over her son indentured servant surely he too was, and hurting him and scrambling up from him, and putting their hands to his crotch and ripping on his balls while they stood themselves to good purchase. But the graveyard, with Bartleby's fear deep and stuck like cane in his throat, Bartleby wondered what they would do with him first. The need of the stave from the books of Dickens he had read. The need of one of them to at least be the Artful Dodger, and he of course Oliver Twist, this time the Dodger introducing him into the world of sex and sucking and buggery and the like instead of how to steal and how to die and how to murder. This needing of the graves end of Clarrow Town. The need of the stove pipe hat to be put to the side and the man's clothes, the coat of black with tails to be pulled off, and the Dodger standing there in his dirty grime of a body and his long uncut cock sliding up and up into the air of the cobble stone alley way, as Oliver's eyes got bigger and bigger and his heart pounded, as he knew where love would always be for him, no matter how old he had gotten... But Bartleby was allowed only to--watch. He was nothing but their masturbatory mirror, in which they looked at themselves doing others, and found themselves most supreme. They had tied him down, that first time, his humiliatingly small dick rock hard, and his body bereft of clothes as his eyes were casting aside their tears of encroachment and happiness and ache that he was so close but so far away when he was not of this place, when he was at the gate, and watching each fall and then every other weekend or so, and sometimes he was brave enough to sneak up to the windows of the chapel when the boys did their barrel racing and their bone ups that the littler boys had to go to one after another, like down a line of human boy trees--these boy trees the oldest, having pubic hair, some already having chest hair and a kind of mustache on their upper lip if you took a quick look and didn't study it too hard to see it was more like a series of little patches of grass not knowing to form toward one another at all. To have the littler boys, in chapel, go down the line of older boys who were naked as well, lying on their backs with their legs and cocks in the air, and for each boy to suck a dick for one minute, then go to the next tree dick to suck for one minute, and so forth. And Bartleby got to watch--close up. Close up. And it broke his heart in half. Then the big boys would have communal sperm shooting over the faces of the under-classmen. Thinking, Bartleby, that first night of his being impressed into the rituals, this will end, and I will soon participate as well. Tied his arms to the cold chilly grave stone. And each upperclassman bringing each little boy, same age as Bartleby, bringing each boy to him and pushing the little boy cocks, so white in the moonlight, so thin and so needing love as Bartleby's own had needed love for so long but had never had it, not even for himself, for he had never been able to "do it" in front of a mirror. Always by himself of course. Had never heard the term "circle jerk" or "The Maginot Line" (at least not in this context). Had always dreamed of lurping the dick of a boy who was not too kind to him. Who would make him see what was what whether he liked it or not. And of course he knew he would like it. And each cock held inches from Bartleby's eyes. Each boy being forced to kneel next to the tied up boy on the ground that was cold and hard and puckered his anus even more, as his cock growled to be taken and to take. Each upperclassman saying, "So Bartleby, do you think it long enough? Do you think it ready to cum? Do you think it ready to do these things you have only read about in 'My Secret Life'?" For that was the only dirty book Bartleby had ever read. Or at least the expurgated Grove Press paperback that he had filched from a book store in a daring day that made his heart pump fear for weeks thereafter, knowing that his foot prints as he ran from the store with his cache had turned to marble and each one of them had his name and photo on them and his address and phone number, and he would be in jail any second, though it never happened. He had put the sweat stained read and re-read broken spined book on top of his clothes in his suitcase. When he was in his room that he shared with six other boys, he made sure they were looking in the direction of the bed where he opened the suitcase, so they could see the book, with the drawing of the highly respectable Victorian gentleman on the cover, and surely they would pick it up and they would find from the beginning of the book to the end there was nothing but hot hot sex on each and every page, from the time the anonymous writer was first diddled as a little boy by the maid, to the very end of his life after he had had thousands, maybe tens of thousands of girls and women. And this was only part of the volumes which contained thirty or more books, as thick as this one. And thus the boys would initiate him in his penis climbing dreams all this time to this day when he would be one of something. When he would fit in. When he would count. But the boys with the sly eyes. With the catcalls in mouths and the signals and braces and code works of their hands. The new boys. And the old ones. They caught on to Bartleby pretty quickly. Many of them had known him as the ragamuffin kid of the washer woman, so though he tried to think otherwise, Bartleby had never stood a prayer with any of this. He was forever a child. He had to say which penis looked the best. Then the older boys would suck it and the little eye of the sucked penis would come dryly and sometimes right in the eyes of Bartleby. The eye tickling itself back and forth. Shivering happily in silver glade. On the graveyard ground. On the chapel stage. And the little eye would pucker and the little head would shake and Bartleby would, at least for a time at first, try to grab the treasure with his hungry mouth. Would try to incise his tongue around it, and sometimes he could almost taste the tip of it in his tongue, and then the older boy would haul the littler one away from him. Bartleby pretended for a time that the upperclassmen and the boys his own age when they were allowed to sex it up like their older brethren, and not just in fear enclosed mutual or solitary masturbation in their beds at night--each boy was a slave of an older boy, they were not meant to have sex with themselves or with another, except the master so designated-- --pretended for a time the upper-class men would come to him before that evening's sex show and ask him what he would do to a boy if he had a chance. Sometimes there were things done which were done only in private, between an older and younger, or two younger and older, or whatever very small combination, because there was need to hide these particular exhibitions, and Bartleby was, alone, of those not participating, allowed to watch, allowed to suggest, to be a scrivener in the real sense--to write scenarios for them that they would read and if approved, would perform to the letter. And the other boys Bartleby's age would ask him what they had done, that only he outside the group had been allowed to see, to take part in, in a way--and he would not tell them. Because this made him--IMPORTANT. This made him--SOMEBODY. But it wasn't of course. It was to make him into dust. And it did, as a hand reached to the body of a young boy who only had his briefs on, and the hand went inside the briefs and grasped the little penis not yet hard and the owner of the hand, a junior or senior, maybe still dressed in his school uniform, would still and the face would look up from his young charge, and would say, "Bartleby, if you let me cum in your beanie" (for all the freshmen had to wear beanies every day of their freshmen year, and be laughed in the faces for it) "and if you wear it round an entire day, morning to night, I'll let you touch my dick as this pagan sucks it" and Bartleby's heart soars at the thought, "for three seconds." And Bartleby's heart sinks to the ground. And he agrees, nodding, yes, three seconds is after all three seconds, and maybe the sex play would make the owner of most precious cum forget and it would be longer. So Bartleby skivvies off his clothes, puts his beanie down on the floor next to the older bigger boy, and proceeds to reach out a trembling hand to the cock of the boy, the cock like a huge standing up fakir rope, but the boy pushes Bartleby's hand back. "No," says the boy, "forget about it. Go to your room." So Bartleby started to put on his clothes, but then "Wait! Go naked to your room. Let us laugh at your flat tiny silly flanks." And Bartleby would do so, for he could do nothing other. And laugh they did, at his flat tiny silly flanks. This night, after the wheelbarrow concerto and the licking of the tree dicks and hanging over the crotches of the trees, licking the asses the talking trees told them to, all were dismissed, save for one young boy and his master, and for Bartleby. The senior was Ted. Bartleby was dust. A corner of shadow. Side pocket. Easy as pie. Never to miss. Never to be missed. The little boy, same age as Bartleby, had no name. Only for class. Only for teachers in class. But in the world of boys, in the real world, he had no name. The other boys, unwillingly, wanting to stay around, curious as to what happened in these "private sessions" slid on their clothes and gradually, being forced to by those who were being forced to, and left. The younger, or those without permission to be anything but slaves, in front, under the lashes of invisible whips of the older ones and the younger who had been allowed privileges. Ted said, "Bartleby, this frog had not been pronged. If you will come up here and supervise us, like the cantilevered bridges of Brigston being formulated first in thought and then in body metal and thus twisted and scourged and plugged in and laid across and into this particular chasm, I will let you for the first time, get off--" (that humiliation always known about Bartleby without his telling a soul) "though you must never tell me, you must never let me know in any way, not even the first words of 'I did it' or letting me know thanks for it. For it will put me off my food. For you are ugly. You are skin and bones. Your face is toad like. Your heart is a little piece of wood. You will go through life imagining. And that will break you apart. "And you will try for this boy or that man. And sometime, maybe one time, you will have succor. You will have peace. And then you will go on from this boy or man, and you will walk the edges of life. And you will be no one and nothing. No one will know you even exist. You will walk the edges of eternity which will not grab hold of you for a long long time. You will use films and books and magazines, and they will cleave your heart that is not a heart but a little piece of wood that will never even catch fire. Never even burn. Think of it, Bartleby the Scrivener, you will only write cold and colder. Because you will only be cold and colder. And it will be no one's fault save your own." Ted took the slave and he reached over on the floor to a black dog collar that had been used earlier this evening. He put the collar round the alabaster neck of the beautiful boy, the boy with tight black ringlets and a face that even the hardest shell Baptist preacher would fall in love and lust for, as Ted stroked the boy who was sitting in front of him, as he stroked the naked supple chest, and put his hand to the boy's hard cock, longer than one on a boy that age should be, and he entangled his fingers in the boy's chest nut tiny balls. He rubbed the little ridge that ran from the balls to the asshole. He said to Bartleby, "dream us up and we are yours to command. And if you stand far enough back, after you have given your commandments, you may whank off, looking at us--just--keep--it--to--yourself." So Bartleby, standing there naked, standing there forlorn, right at the bodies of the other naked boys who were his, yes, fire of light in his mind, and again, yes, his, why not? And he thought this-- if there is something in me that has over the long years I've been here, my endless scrivener years, if there is something that has taught me at last, it is that there is a certain dimness in these boys, most all of the time. They have used me as their whipping boy, they have used me to dream up them and their exploits, they have pulled me on my marionette strings, for so long--would it be possible for me to pull them on their marionette strings? For perhaps these strings are not one way directly to me. But go the other way directly to them as well. The mirror sucks them into its depths from which they will not return and the inhabitant of that mirror walks out. Walks free. So. Bartleby said, in a suddenly for the first time, sure and satisfied and confident voice that breaks only a little, "Yes, then there is this I've read of. This involving the Marquis de Sade. Both of you love de Sade, don't you?" The boys smiled at each other, the boys on stage, as Bartleby moved off stage and further back in the darkness. "All that fucking and sucking and little boys pronged by grown men and grown women and little girls made to suck little boys and bite them in most improper places. How could any boy here not love de Sade?" For though this was mostly a Christian boarding school, boys had been known to smuggle his and other pornographic books in and re-enact passages from them. "120 Days of Sodom" being the most popular. Most all the boys had read "My Secret Life" long before Bartleby had brought his copy. They had had quite a laugh on him with that. But because it was a Christian school mostly, certain things written about the Marquis, and many other books, of course, but in this case about the Marquis, had not been known by the boys. Certain things that caused that most dreaded mental process--thought--in order to read. Save by Bartleby, because he was after all an omnivorous reader of books that the town library had that was unknown to boys who did not like to read, who did not like to hide themselves in the stacks, from early childhood on, reading word after word, books, that perhaps even the town library council and the librarian had not known were there, for if they had, then certain of those books would not then be there. This though that Bartleby had in mind, was a play. This was a play set in an insane asylum. And Bartleby, walking backward down the aisle past the seats of the chapel, pulling his dick with his left hand, the first time he had allowed him to do that much to himself in all his lonely years of eternal boyhood, oh how he ached for the red and brown leaf fires of autumn one day, some day!--saying, changing the story of the play to fit his needs here and now, "Ted, you are Jean- Paul Marat. You are the hero. You are a Greek god. You are a statue of perfection come to winsome life. "You are taking a bath in front of the insane asylum of young boys who want to do you, who want to do everything you have ever wanted to do to them and more,, but this time all at once, and you will always be hard and spurting as will they. An eternal orgy. But it is more fun to taunt them, first. To torment them first. To drive them half buggy first. Here is how you will do that-- this freshman boy with you is a woman you loved--tender and delicate and filled with madness that she can't have all the boys you see and have. That she can't have you! You've made it with them in front of her. You've made her watch. And not let her be anything but a washerwoman. She is devoted to you. It is now her turn! She is your older sister. She has eyes that do your bidding. That love you. That never stop the nibbling of nimble thoughts her brain has constantly about you. The eyes that drink you in whether you are there at the moment or not. "She strokes you." The boy in the dog collar turns round to his master and strokes the sky high penis. "She loves you. And she wants you to see that the auditorium of the mad house is not filled with hundreds of naked boys, tied to their seats, their hands tied away from their rampant throbbing penises. They are nothing but charges of a million volts of electric sex need and panting and their bodies are thrusting out to you. And it makes you so happy, Jean-Paul. It makes you so giddy with happiness that they are there, so shackled, so in need, their voices screaming your name, screaming, 'Marat', "Marat, my love," please, my master, Marat." But you turn your back on them. And now the boys on stage are doing everything that Bartleby says. His words are the strings on which the marionettes dance. "You need to take a bath, Jean-Paul, in that tub over there. You need to take a bath and you need Sara to wash you up. To wash your penis. To wash the tip of it. To soap it up. To make you cum in pain and sperm. For what is sex without a little pain? And the boys watching this are screaming and turning to dust, turning into dusts of desires not allowed, into dusts of desire mocked and ridiculed and insulted and hurt beyond bearing. Bathe, Marat. Bathe!" Sara helps Marat into an invisible tub and begins to scrub him with an invisible bar of soap and a wash cloth. The boy kneels behind Marat, as he puts his chin on Marat's shoulder. Both the young boy's hands are at the crotch of Marat/Ted. And they soap invisible lather up the shaft and Marat/Ted groans and claws in all his great power, doing everything Bartleby/de Sade tells him and tells Sara to do. And if Bartleby can be magic. If Bartleby is able to stay in this school for leagues of years. If Bartleby is able to do the opposite of spontaneous combustion, and make its fire create him and re re create him over and again, then why could not a certain knife, a certain dagger, not stage rubber but razor sharp and with a pointed blade, appear in "Sara's" hands? Why could not Bartleby have entire control of this school? Not just the boys, as he had finally figured out? But why had not all this din of hurt and exploitation and cruelty and lust somehow come to Bartleby himself? And have said, do with me what you will. Then he could, after finishing here, have an eternal feast on these boys, making them immortal as well. Vanishing the teachers. The town. The world around them. Making the boys pay by making love to them. Giving them someone they could believe in. Who they could give their hearts to safely and surely and always, and who did not have to face the fact the boy beside them was just scoring a number and then moving on. "Give him his reward, Sara" said Bartleby, "Sara" being his mother's name, for reasons he would not allow himself to go into, "give Marat our always and forever thanks." And Marat coming and Marat squirting seed all over his belly and legs and pubic hair, thinking the little boy behind him would be putting a cock into Marat's yearning mouth, was most astounded that instead, there was now a dagger in his chest, and the blood wealing out, and "Sara" stabbing him over and over until there was no more life in him at all. Bartleby came, watching. He came watching. While Marat/Ted would always be the outsider from now on. While Bartleby would love all the boys here, the kind ones and the ones not so kind, the damaged ones and the ones who had done the damaging, for that was the only thing he could think of to do. The boy who had stabbed Marat/Ted, for he had had no choice, stood by the body. Bartleby, his cock seizure having ended, his seed having arched up like a little white fountain in the dark cloaks of the chapel and the night herein and outside as well, after he stopped glorying in the feeling of it, the sheer deliciousness of it, when he had gathered himself, rose from the carpeting, as he walked to the stage, took the boy's hand, turned the boy's face away from the body, by cupping the little boy's chin with his firm steady hand, and said, "never mind him. He doesn't count." They walked away together off the stage. Holding hands. The boy once Sara was not perplexed now. Not hypnotized. Not frightened. But calm and peaceful and full of smiles. They both then. The first time ever, happy. Naked. Things would now be as they should have been all along. It was Bartleby's call to make. The dusty corner was a chrysalis of moth wings from which this eternal beautiful regal golden child had emerged. They had the duty to make other students here happy too. They stopped in the stage wings. Bartleby asked the boy, "And your name?" The boy had to think for a long time. He had quite forgotten he had one. "Jack," he said, his voice growing different than it had been before, stronger, with laughter and japes in it. A roll of the shoulders. A raising of the eyebrow. Mock taunt. Lop sided grin. "But they call me the Dodger." Unabashed this time, no longer shy and retiring, Jack put out his left mitt. Unabashed this time, no longer a dust boy in a shadow, Bartleby put out his own mitt and the boys shook hands. " And I'm Oliver," Bartleby said, chirruping. "Oliver Twist." We jump from Melville to Dickens, Oliver thought, for there is far more heart in it. And they put their arms around each others' shoulders and walked off the stage on which was Ted. And then there was no Ted at all. Even the very shadow of him was gone. There never should have been a Ted in the first place. For he had always been the meanest of the lot. And that was truly saying something. So now, finally, someone was getting it right. THE END