*** Wednesday - 23rd of June 2004 ***   The last two days had thankfully been pretty calm for the Harris family. Ryan went back to school on Tuesday and felt comfortable. The voices in his head had been quieter and he was able to focus on his classes, always fiddling around with the amber Dr. Clarke had given to him. Of course he daydreamed now and then, looking out of the classroom windows whenever boring topics came up. Who wouldn’t? This had given him some time to reflect about his sentiments and what he would be writing in his diary. Believe it or not, Tuesday had been the first day that no page had been ripped out of Ryan’s diary since he had started with it, although he had spent an entire hour describing how he felt, before his writing hand had cramped. A decisive victory, because in the end it was far less complicated than he thought. He just didn’t care anymore about how and what he would scribble. Naturally for this age, he wondered why he wasn’t allowed to write it on his computer, but taking the time to write something with a pen was part of the therapy, following Peter’s instructions. Tuesday had also been a good day because the schedule included two hours of PE. That gave Ryan the chance to burn off energy and, even more important, to see for himself how good he really was at sports in comparison with the other kids from his class. Ryan needed to recognize this far more than he could imagine. Feeling the trust in oneself was the key to regaining strength and being less fragile for physical stress, the boy had learned from his Doctor. Susan knew that all too well and was confident that her boy would get back to gymnastics with a little bit of help and if he found his self-confidence again, regardless of why he had stopped. She had arranged something with Coach Thomas to make that happen - Ryan would have the chance to work as an assistant coach in a new training class at the CACL, after the summer break - a class with all new boys where he could shine with his experience and competence. Perhaps this was the key to getting him back to his once loved sport. Ryan would have to do a lot of pull-overs and mushroom circles beforehand though, to get back in shape his Coach had mentioned. Susan was happy about the idea. No, she was proud of it and grateful to have such a lovely trainer for her son. He hadn’t hesitated for a second to offer his help and came up with this wonderful idea of involving Ryan in teaching the younger classes. However, she wanted to be strategic about it and had therefore decided not to tell her son until school started again. He was all worn out at the moment and it would only stress him anyway - a well-conceived plan.   *** Wednesday - 23rd of June 2004, 03:37 PM ***   Ryan’s mother was sitting at the kitchen table, a hot mug of coffee in front of her, thinking about the last day she spent with her son without anything interfering. ‘Dear Lord,’ she silently began to pray ‘you know that I have not been your biggest fan lately. You have let me down, you took what was mine, what I loved and I have no idea...no, I will never understand, why you did this to me, to us. But if you have only one little bit of decency left, you will help my son to overcome his dark side. He doesn’t deserve all this. Take it off of him and put it all on me, I can take it. And if this means the next test for me, I will pass, I guarantee it. Look at him! He’s such a wonderful child when he is happy. Even for you, with all the bad things that you see all day all over the world, it must be more tempting to watch a happy child than a sad one. So please, Lord...” “HEY MOM, I’m ho-ome.” Ryan sang as the front door slammed behind him. Dropping his keys on the wooden bench next to the wardrobe he started fiddling with his backpack. “Hi my dear,” Susan threw back to her son - quickly looking up to the ceiling finishing her prayers ‘Don’t fuck it up this time, please!’ “This shitty thing is busted....Mom, I need a new backpack.” “Why, what’s wrong with it?” Susan remained sitting at the kitchen table, awaiting her son while she embraced the hot mug in front of her with both hands. “I can’t open the strap anymore...awww...it’s tangled....” He was obviously becoming upset about it. “Baby Bear,” she said in a melodic tone “come here, I’ll help you.” Ryan entered the kitchen with a defiant attitude about his really, really bad backpack misery. “Oh my holy butterfly” Susan began with a sarcastic voice as she saw the expression in his face “I can see it in your eyes, we really have a problem here. Forget about the hunger in the Third World, this is serious!” Ryan was not very amused about his mother’s way of showing that he took himself too seriously “I guess we have to call the fire department to get it off...or....hold on a second....no, here you go.” The backpack fell to the floor followed by the boy’s jacket. Ryan looked at her and blinked. He couldn’t believe that she had gotten it off so easily. “How did you do that?” “Magic fingers and a little bit of patience...” she said with a smile on her face. And as she was grabbing his right arm, pulling him in so that she could kiss him hello, he already smiled back. It was refreshing for Susan to have a happy, normal kid around, although he had to wear his unloved blue school uniform. They had planned to go shopping after school so Ryan would have some new clothes for the summer ahead - he had grown over the past months and half his gear was too small now. Besides that, they both liked looking for new clothes - not too often though - it could be a bit weary with an impatient young boy at your side. However, spending some time together was very welcome for Susan. But first the little one had to be fed, before the two would head for the Eastbourne Arndale Shopping Center, to spend some money.   *** Waterville, ME, US - the same time (10:37am) ***   “Fuck, with what money should I pay this?” Sharon whispered to herself as she was sitting at the dinner table in the living room in front of a bunch of invoices. “Mom?” Sharon became frightened as she hadn’t heard her son appearing from behind. “God Jason, do you have to startle me like that?” “Do we have a problem?” “What do you mean?” “I mean the bills in front of you...your expression....well, and what you just said.” Jason sounded in a mild and neutral tone. “No, we don’t...and that’s none of your business anyway.” “I’m not a kid anymore, and it is my business, I live here.” “You still are a kid - and god knows, I love you and want you to be a kid for as long as possible, but this is my problem.” “So we HAVE a problem?” “No....I mean...” his mother sighed and accepted his excellent insight “Okay, I give in - yes, I have a problem paying all these bills, but it’s not a big deal, I can pay them in two weeks.” “So why are you worried then?” “Because, my dearest son, when you start paying for things late, you end up in a cycle of paying everything late, because the money is gone the moment it’s there. And I don’t like that.” “I could make money during the summer break?!” “That’s just what I need, my son working so I can pay my bills. Thanks darling, but I’ll take care of this and you enjoy your summer. You have everything prepared for Ryan?” “It’s only Wednesday, Mom.” “I don’t care - sooner or later you have to do it.” “I did, everything’s ready.” “Ryan’s mattress?” “Check!” “Bed sheet?” “Check!” “Towels?” “Check!” “Your room tidied up?” “Oh...shit...” Jason quickly looked at the new outdoor watch at his arm “I have to go - I forgot that Jared wanted to meet - will do that later, okay?” “Sure, you’re pulling my leg...whatever, off you go!” She was happy to have such a wonderful, lively and smart boy at her side and loved him so much that it sometimes hurt - a good hurt though. Jason looked a lot like his father Timothy who died a long time ago - dark brown hair, intelligent appearance, good looking, fit and friendly. And he often behaved like her husband - if only by using military codes like ‘Check’, ‘Positive’ or ‘Negative’ - and by that she knew Tim was with them all the time, watching them from above. Sharon and Jason Campbell lived in an old, grey single-level house in Water Street, close to the Kennebec River with a lot of families and children in their neighborhood. It was not the most modern nor the most expensive region in Waterville, but it was very child friendly with lots of green areas and forest surrounding the house next to the wonderful river that could be reached from their garden. Summer break had already started for Jason, who had prepared a plan for things he would be doing together with his younger cousin. It was going to be the best summer of their lives - actually the best summer since the bad things that had happened. Only one issue was bothering Jason. His mother was obviously having money problems and he wasn’t able to help her. Sharon had been working as a chief nurse in the Inland Hospital emergency room - the pay wasn’t bad, but still not good enough with the payment they received from the Survivor-Benefit-Plan of the U.S. Navy. She loved her job with all the different and challenging cases every day but was nevertheless thinking about a change as she shoved all the bills aside and opening her account using the website of the Kennebec Savings Bank. “What is this?” she spouted off with eyes wide open, as she saw her balance, which was up around 2000 dollars. “I can’t believe it....Susan you are a heaven’s sent angel...” It took her only minutes before she excitedly held the phone in her hand talking with Susan to thank her for the support. Once in a while, and especially when Ryan was visiting Sharon and Jason, her sister-in-law would send some money to cover all the costs the two boys could produce. In this case it was absolutely needed and helped so much - it was priceless. Ryan’s mother hadn’t had much time to talk, because she was still strolling through the shopping mall with her son, but everything was said in a couple of minutes. One weight off of Sharon’s shoulders - as well as her son’s.   *** ***   About an hour later, Jason had already snuck back into the house avoiding his mother - and the associated chores. The boy was lying on his bunk. He didn’t feel like tidying up his room and had therefore faked the appointment with Jared, one of his neighborhood friends. Usually Jason was not a guy of lies, but this tiny little one wouldn’t do any harm, at least in his mind. With one arm hanging down from the bed he was unknowingly stroking the empty mattress on the floor next to him, gazing at the portrait of Ryan on his nightstand. Sharon’s son was trying to kill some of the time left until Saturday. It felt so far away, the days seemed so much longer, and the hands of time were moving in slow motion - all of that very much to the disapproval of the 13 year old boy who was craving being together with his cousin again. He missed him very much - his friend, his soul mate, his brother. Whenever the two were separated, one piece of the puzzle was missing - an important one, without which complete happiness was impossible. That only emerged just before they would be together again, or shortly after they had been separated - business as usual. Jason was a wonderful boy, so full of life and love, so big-hearted and empathetic, always willing to help no matter where or why. He never asked for anything in return or put a price tag to his dedication: no envy, no resentment, and no jealousy. The boy was just a mirror of his parents, who wanted to have lots of children, but unfortunately Sharon had lost her fertility after Jason was born. This was one of the reasons why they had literally adopted Ryan and Robbie right from the start and had treated them as their own kids. In fact the two clans had been a bit like one big patchwork family with lots of love and respect.   *** ***   “Jason? I didn’t hear you come home,” Sharon said with a surprised expression on her face as she entered the boy’s place. “Sorry Mom, I thought you heard me.” “What about this mess here? Are you going to clean it up?” “Sure...not now though.” “Why not?” she said sitting down next to him, stroking along his back.” He loved to have his back caressed and would lay there frozen like stone forever as long as she kept going. “Just because!” “Hey, I have good news - there’s no problem anymore. I don’t have to send you to the military schoon, even though it would have been good for you.” “Mo-om! That’s not funny.” “Of course it is, why so serious?” “Are you telling me the truth or are you only trying to reassure me?” “It’s the truth, I swear. Susan has sent some money over for our summer holiday together and that gives me a bit of freedom.” “Oh wow, that’s really nice of her.” “It is - she is the best sister-in-law one could wish for. Back to you, why are you so pensive?” “It’s nothing...just bored...I want Saturday to get here.” “I know, you miss him but it’s only a couple more days.” “Yeah....” Jason said with a sigh. “You know what - put your swim trunks on! I’ll prepare a little snack and we’ll go down to the river. What do you think?” “Brilliant, I’ll ask Jared if he wants to come, okay?” “Yes, sure.” Within seconds the happy boy was back. Jason jumped up, quickly dropped his clothes, scattering them all over the place, getting ready for a jump into the cold water. During these days Waterville averaged 75° F - today it was even better with no clouds and 86° F - the best weather for a cool dip. And so, another day passed, on the little countdown left until the brotherly couple was re-united.   *** Eastbourne on the night of Thursday - 24th of June 2004, 02:53 AM ***   Ryan found himself in a completely white room without any walls. It was loud, the screeching of turbines was heard, people were screaming. He was naked, but didn’t feel cold. His father was standing on the opposite side of the endless room, Robbie hiding behind him. Ryan stretched his hand to reach for them, but he couldn’t. Walking didn’t work either; even running didn’t - no matter how much he wanted to, he couldn’t reach them. The floor was clean, sterile, and slippery...it felt soft and seemed to waver. Ryan screamed for them to stay, but they couldn’t hear him...they ignored him. With a flash they dissolved into the reverberating deep voice of Ryan’s dad that was heard from every direction. “Son, I’m sorry. What I did was wrong, but it wasn’t your fault. You have to let us go!” The ceiling shattered like glass, filling the room with sound and Gareth dropped from above, taking a shower surrounded by hot steamy air, rubbing the shower gel on his naked body...his tummy...his boner...Ryan still standing there, watching...looking down on his own body....hands, there were hands on his chest, but not his own...he turned around....Jason in front of him wearing a dark blue bathrobe, smiling content, stroking his chest, saying something....his lips moved... nothing could be heard. Ryan tried to touch him, wanted to hug him, but his hands wouldn’t move. He jumped up.... ...from the edge of their old pool in Portland. Holding his breath he slowly dove, moving in slow-motion, bubbles everywhere in the warm blue water...hands grabbing for Ryan’s body, pulling him up....surfacing he looked into the face of Robbie streaming with blood, his dad standing at the side of the pool laughing out loud. Ryan was shocked and screamed trying to get rid of his brother’s oversized hands dropping down onto his bed, which collapsed underneath him followed by the entire house... The pool was gone, the water was gone, his dead family members faded away. It was black, everything turned black...Ryan fell down, spinning with his hands....falling...deeper and deeper....his heart pumping like crazy, his body feeling surreal...disconnected... heavy...until he crashed on the hard and devastated ground. With eyes wide open, Ryan awoke in terror.   *** ***   Susan woke up close to 3 AM. She needed to go to the bathroom, as she did nearly every night at the same time. It was so pleasantly warm under her blanket that she reluctantly raised it and carefully put it back so that the warmth wouldn’t fade away. With only one eye open, half asleep, she shuffled towards the toilet and passed Ryan’s room. She stopped part-way - what was that strange noise? Holding her breath, listening to what it was, Susan heard her son whimpering weakly. Was she dreaming - was he dreaming? For a minute, she didn’t move standing in the cold hallway, wearing only a white nightgown, listening carefully, wondering if it was real or not. Secretly she hoped that it was delusion or that he would stop. He didn’t...unfortunately...a weak sob was heard from her beloved son. Adrenaline shot through her body, terrified at the frightening situation. What was going on? Slowly opening the door to her son’s room, she squatted down next to his bed and fumbled for Ryan’s shoulder - he hid below the cover. “Hey, Baby Bear...!” “Mooom?!” Ryan blubbered, full of disbelief mixed with relief. “What’s wrong?” “I...had a bad dream...” he sobbed. “Oh honey...” she came closer and turned the bed lamp on “you’re here with me, nothing happened. It was only a dream.” “But it felt so real...” “Why didn’t you wake me up?” “I don’t know.” It was heartbreaking to see him like this, once again, but on the other hand and for reasons unknown also soothing that nothing more serious had happened - to Ryan it was serious enough. “What was it about?” his mother asked stroking through his wet hair, kissing his forehead. “It was Dad...and Robbie...there was blood everywhere...” he said breaking out into tears, finally being able to cry again - what a relief in such a nasty circumstance. “Come here my love!” Susan said with a mild voice and grabbed Ryan to put her arms around him sitting on the mattress while he wept bitterly. Her son was feeble, powerless, like a puppet, being all warm and sweaty only wearing his sleeping boxers. It took a while before he stopped crying from the scary experience. All Susan could do was to be there for him, hold him....comfort him. Finally, it worked, but the more he came down from his nightmare, the more he started to tremble from the cold in combination with his damp skin. “You wanna sleep with me tonight?” Ryan didn’t react immediately. He had slept in his mother’s bed a lot of times in the past, especially when the days had been darker. During the past year the visits had decreased and in the last six months or so, no nightly visits were registered much to the delight of Susan. Having a restless boy in her bed, constantly moving around, wasn’t very conducive for a quiet and re-charging night but this time Ryan nodded his consent, nonetheless. “Okay, come on!” His mother took his hand, switched off the light and guided him towards her room, where the bed unfortunately was cold again. She crept in and held the blanket up for him to join. “What are you waiting for honey?” “It’s my boxers...they’re drenched.” “Did you wet it?” “No...” “Then take it off!” “What?” “I said drop it, and jump in! Don’t be so shy, I can’t see anything!” “But...” He didn’t want to go back to his room. In his imagination, the dream was still there, waiting for him. So Ryan reluctantly followed her advice, slipped off his boxers and carefully crawled under the bedspread, with his back towards his mother. She in return, kissed his neck and, underneath the blanket, rested her arm on his chest, softly stroking his bare and clammy skin, so he would feel secure. The warmth of her body and the familiar smell of his mother helped her son giving him back a bit of confidence. “You’re safe, Baby Bear! Try to sleep!” “But what if it comes back?” “It won’t, I promise. And even if...I’m here and will protect you, okay?” “Okay” Ryan said with a wary voice, closing his eyes trying to sleep. Fifteen minutes passed, but it didn’t work. The dream was still very present on his mind - why did his father ask him to let them go and what were Jason and Gareth doing there? On top of that, the situation felt awkward, he didn’t want to be naked in bed with his mother anymore. Two years ago, this wouldn’t have produced a problem - today it did. Ignoring his fear, he quickly snuck out of the bed - Susan was fully asleep again, slowly breathing in and out - ran into his room, picked a fresh pair of boxers and put them on before he returned into her arms. This felt way better. Still it took an hour for the boy to drop off and sleep for the rest of the short night.   *** Thursday - 24th of June 2004, 11:15 AM ***   “Yes, that’s a good idea Dr. Clarke. I’ll drive him to London as soon as he’s home, so we should be there at 4 PM.” Susan said to Ryan’s doc who was on the phone and had been listening to her explanations about the night. He suggested they meet at his field office in the Evelina London Children’s Hospital for an experimental approach - it sounded a bit awkward, but it was worth a try. Since they had unsuccessfully tested a lot of things on Ryan, including psychiatric medication with loads of unbearable side effects, Susan clutched at any straw and agreed. Dr. Clarke had explained that Ryan was a very sensitive boy who required a more conservative methodology and canceled any medication soon after they had started. The medicine had made him feel sick and dazed all the time. Besides, talking and relaxation had shown the best results so far. As a result of this, Susan had to accept that it would take longer for Ryan to heal, would mean more effort and would strain her nerves, but it was for the best - she would give everything for her son anyway. ‘Love is the answer...the solution...the medicine Ryan needs’ Peter had always said and this path was now followed more strictly than ever. The approach Peter wanted to try would not have an immediate effect, but might help Ryan to see the truth, accept things the way they were with a little bit of time and care. It was promising for one reason - Ryan was an exceptionally reflective boy, rare in under 12-year-olds.   *** ***   As Harris Jr. came home three and a half hours later, he quickly grabbed a sandwich from the fridge - lunch had been nasty at school that day with chewy fish and chips - before both drove off to London for the last session with Peter. It took them an hour to finally arrive in the Westminster Bridge Road and find parking. Ryan hadn’t said a word and had been staring out the window the entire trip, lost in thought. Those dreams caused him to regress in some ways and left the boy vulnerable and stricken so that he would shut himself away and enjoy solitude rather than talking. Peter felt the opposite and was seeking for Ryan to come out of his shell right before it was too late. Dr. Clarke welcomed them in the ‘Husky’ area of level 1, where they once met for the first time two years ago. They had all these funny, children friendly names for easier navigation through the large complex. It was located on the same floor where the support groups were run, which Ryan and his mother once visited, unsuccessfully. All three took the elevator to the fourth floor ‘Savannah’ where Dr. Clarke had his consulting room. Susan had been asked to wait outside and decided to get herself a coffee from the cafeteria - it would take some time anyway, so she was free to move around and wait for her son for about an hour. Before Peter revealed what he was up to - Ryan had no idea why they were here today - he initiated their usual 15 minutes of relaxation exercise.   *** ***   “...and when you think it’s the right time, you carefully sit up...” the Doc concluded the slackening PMR. “Excellent...how do you feel, Ryan?” “Okay.” “Just okay?” “Better.” “Good, then I want you to meet somebody.” “Who?” “You’ll see. Will you please follow me - we have to go to the ‘Forest’” which meant they would once again use the elevators. Ryan liked the clean and tidy environment of the hospital. It was very organized with all the surrounding technology - even the doors opened and closed automatically - fascinating for the little boy. Peter stopped in front of a patient room that had a window next to the door to look inside. Ryan saw a young boy sitting upright on his bed, wearing an cap form the Football Club Arsenal. He seemed to be just an ordinary boy, a bit skinny perhaps. “That’s Daniel, 11 years old. I want you to meet him.” “Why?” “It could be good for you - you have a lot in common.” “Why is he here?” “He is suffering from acute lymphocytic leukemia in stage 4. That means, he is not going to have very long to live - liver and spleen are damaged incurably - he has around 6 months left.” “Oh, that’s sad.” “Yeah, it is. I’ve known him for more than a year now and know what he’s up against. He’s usually a bit tired, is almost always running a fever and his bones and joints hurt pretty much all the time; moving is pretty painful for him. But despite everything, he’s still a very friendly and happy person, all in all.” “And why should I meet him?” “I’ll tell you after you’ve talked to him. For now, I just want you to go in - he’s already expecting you.” “But what should I say?” “Hello would be a good start!” Ryan slowly opened the door to the kid’s room. Lots of medical equipment surrounded the bed, although only one - looking like an oversized injection machine - seemed to be switched on. It was connected to his arm, but didn’t seem to handicap him in any way. The room was neatly arranged for a hospital - there was a lot of kids stuff, games and magazines - even a football was lying on the table - not a soccer ball, a real American football, weird for someone who wore an FC Arsenal cap. But that just added to the army of cuddle toys sitting, lying and standing all around the sick lad. It was a fuzzy picture, but looked comfortable anyway. Daniel turned towards the door and looked at his expected visitor, a friendly smile on his face. “Hello.” “Hi, I’m Daniel. Are you Ryan?” “Yes, I am.” “Cool, nice that you came to visit me.” “How are you?” “Do you know what I have?” “Yes.” “Okay cool. Most people who know what I have avoid asking me how I am - weird isn’t it?” “Yeah, that’s funny. So, how are you then?” “I feel good, a little tired, which is okay. Pretty much all the time. But there’s an upside. I don’t have to do any chores,” he said with a huge grin. “The silver lining, huh? So, how long have you been here?” “I guess...about a year now.” “Continuously here or have you been going home in between?” “No, I’ve been here full time.” “Whoa, that’s long haul.” “Yeah, I know, but they’re all real nice here. And I don’t have to go to school too.” “Lucky boy!” “Yeah, I guess. Do you want to play something? I have a bunch of games in the cupboard over there,” Daniel said pointing to the other side of the room.” “Hm, I don’t know how much time I have, perhaps next time, okay?” “Sure, no problem - I’ll be here anyway.” Daniel said shrugging. “Where are your parents?” “Uh, they’re not around. They died two years ago and...I’ll be following them soon.” “Oh...what? I’m sorry. I mean about your parents.” “It’s okay. It wasn’t your fault. But it was somebody’s fault.” “What do you mean?” “It was a terrorist attack on our hotel.” “No, I mean the ‘you’ll be following them soon’ part?” “I have a fatal disease and I don’t have that much longer.” “You say that as if it was nothing.” “I can’t do anything about it, so why should I be sad all day?” “Isn’t that scary?” “Not really. Well, in the beginning it was but I have talked a lot about it with Dr. C. and that helped me. And I’ll be with my parents again. That’s one good thing about it. I really miss them.” “But how can you be so happy about it?” “I’m not happy....not really...but I accept my situation. So why shouldn’t I be okay with it?” “Because you are going to die?” “I couldn’t do anything about the explosion in the hotel and I can’t do anything about my leukemia. What should I be doing?” “I have no idea...I’d be scared as hell if I was gonna die.” “Why?” “I don’t know, just because.” “That’s no answer.” “Yes it is, but I can’t explain it.” “I was really scared for a long time, but my granny and Dr. C. helped me understand it and now I’m happy that I can go back to Mom and Dad.” “That’s...That’s cool.” “Yeah....but YOU seem to be sad. What is it? Are you going to die as well?” “No, I’m not....I don’t know...I...have to go now, I guess.” “Can you come back sometime?” “Maybe, I’m not sure, but perhaps, okay?” “Okay, I need some sleep anyway.” “Bye Ryan, it was cool meeting you,” Daniel said stretching out his right arm to shake hands. Being back on the floor, softly closing the door behind him, Dr. Clarke guided the boy into the next free room and sat down. “So, what do you think Ryan?” “I think I’m hungry.” “No, I mean about Daniel?” Peter asked smiling. “He’s cool but I’d be terrified if I was him.” “Why?” “He’s going to die soon. That’s enough, isn’t it?” “It is...did he tell you about his parents?” “Yeah, they died in some explosion.” “It was a terrorist attack on their hotel in Djerba, 2002. Many people died and Daniel was one of the survivors.” “And why is this important for me?” “No reason. I just wanted to you to meet him.” “Okay, I get it. We have a lot in common and I guess I’m supposed to take him as an example how not be sad or angry anymore. But do I have to visit him all the time now?” “No, of course not but you can. Right now I’m just happy the two of you met. Now, let’s get back up to my office. I want to talk to you about your night last night.” So that’s it?” “What do you mean?” “That was all you wanted me here for? Just to meet Daniel?” “Yep, nothing else - I wanted you to meet him, and because I was here today, I connected the two things.”   *** ***   Once back in the Doctor’s office, Ryan told, somewhat against his nature, about his last dream. Of course he left out the delicate parts of him being naked and the details about Gareth and Jason. However, talking about it made all the disconcerting memories come back: the dream, the sadness, the anger, his Dad, Robbie... Once again Ryan’s mood changed in only minutes. Peter knew it was coming and was ready, hopeful they would achieve positive results with this approach and manage to calm the boy down again. “So your dad said that you had to let them go?” Peter asked. “Yes, that’s what I heard.” “Do you know what it means?” “No, I don’t get it.” “Really?” “Yes, really.” “I think you know what it means. What if your dad wanted to tell you that you have to accept things the way they are, just as Daniel does?” “So what?” “So, you still think that you’re at least partly responsible, right?” Silence - no answer. “But you won’t tell me why.” “Because I don’t want to.” Ryan said, his voice raising and his body language screaming ‘defense, defense’. “Then, how do you expect me to help you?” “Hey, why are you so annoying? I thought we were friends?!” “We are Ryan, but friends tell each other everything, even if it’s bad, because they want to help each other. And you’re not being fully honest with me....right?” Ryan thought about it, feeling for the amber in his pocket. Should he just hand over the stone and tell him about his secret, the secret that would explain everything? Would it be right, would it be wrong or should he just get out of there? Peter, on the other hand, was mulling over his rule to trying to guide him to the light but never push anyone to reveal things they didn’t want to discuss, and he decided. It was time to bend this rule....just a tiny little bit. “Okay, let’s take a deep breath. Ryan, do you trust me?” “Yes,” the boy answered in an uncertain voice, shrugging his shoulders. “Good, do you have the amber with you?” “Yes.” “Please, hand it to me!” “Why?” “Come on, Ryan, hand it over. You’ll get it back.” The uncertain boy handed over his precious gift, one he’d always kept with him, hoping he would really get it back. “Thanks. Now it’s only the two of us - I’ll never tell anyone what we discuss and I’ll never share any information with anybody else.....What did your dad really say?” “Why? Don’t you believe me?” “I believe you, but I think there was more. Didn’t your dad say something else, something you’re holding back?” Ryan didn’t like this line of questioning, but he also wasn’t a liar. Lying actually made him ill but he couldn’t tell Peter the truth - it was too humiliating and he wouldn’t understand anyway. But it was already too late. The time he took to think about what to say had already spoken for him. “I am right!” asked Peter. The scared little boy in front of the doc nodded uncertainly. He feared losing control over his entire life, maybe losing his mother or, even worse, the rest of his entire family just by explaining what it was all about. “What did he say?” Peter asked “Just tell me, Ryan. I’m not here to judge you for anything!” “I CAN’T!” “Of course you can!” Ryan jumped up to his feet with a furious expression on his face. “NOO....WHY ARE YOU ALL PUSHING ME TO TALK? Why did you show me this other boy? I don’t care if he’s sick, I don’t care if he’s gonna die and I don’t care if he’s lost his parents. IT’S NOT THE SAME!” “Ryan please.” Dr. Clarke quietly said, trying to calm him down. “No! You have no idea how it feels to be me and you have no clue how to help me whatsoever. Everybody thinks I have to talk...BLAH BLAH BLAH....and then? What then? I feel better? No, I will not. They will NEVER RETURN....NEVER. I HATE HIM AND I HATE YOU!” “Wait Ryan...who do you hate, who is he?” The boy had enough of this, he was fed up with talking, wrested the amber out of Peter’s hand and tore open the door to get out. This obviously hadn’t worked the way Peter had expected, but he was sure they had moved in the right direction. ‘It’ll come. Sooner or later it’ll come’ was his last thought on this case for the summer. End of Chapter 3