*** Sunday - 27th of June 2004, 6:22 AM ***   The air was fresh, morning-fresh, and much colder than the evening before. Ryan felt a bit cold although he liked having it that way at night; it helped him to sleep better. What didn’t help were the venetian blinds that let so much light in from the morning sun. He was used to having his room dark like at home, but knew that he would get accustomed to it in a couple of days. It was still early in the morning. Not much was heard from outside: no cars, no people; only some birds that were feeding their brood. Jason was still sleeping tight, his breathing, slow and rhythmical, was a proof of that. His body was lying skewed on his bed only half covered with the blanket, one arm hanging down from the bunk - a lovely view the younger boy enjoyed to watch for a while. It didn’t help much, but Ryan knew why he was awake that early - jet lag was asking for attention once more - hopefully it would fade away soon so he could rest properly. Silently he shoved the blanket away, still only wearing his boxers, and headed downstairs to see if Auntie Sharon was already awake. It didn’t look like it. For sure she had had a long night at the hospital and would therefore sleep a bit longer. Grabbing a glass of milk from the fridge, Ryan went into the living room and dropped onto the dark brown and comfortably soft couch. He looked around, seeing if anything had changed in the familiar and warmly decorated room until his eyes landed on the old family pictures. So many people in the photos weren’t there anymore: Tim - Jason’s father, his own father Brian and his brother Robbie. It was everything but fair for the two little and once happy families. The memories bound to these lovely pictures were good and didn’t produce any anger inside the boy this time. And those memories, especially about one of the beach photos on the wall, reminded him about the holiday video that he used to watch when he was there. Knowing exactly where to find it, he pushed the power-on button of the DVD player, put the disc in and switched on the TV returning to the couch sipping his glass of milk. Only seconds later the TV showed Jason, Robbie and Ryan jumping around on the beach playing with an old football, their parents laughing with the boys. A constant stream of giggling, screaming and mumbling was heard; a moment that captured so much fun, so much harmony and love. One of the best movies ever from the boy’s perspective, even if the camera was shaking almost all the time and the quality was also not the best. But it was one of the last wonderful memorabilia of his beloved brother who had so much fun on this trip to Florida, even though he was the smallest and sometimes had a hard time getting the two older boys to let him hang out with them. As the voice of his father spoke up clearly while he was chasing his older son for splashing him, a single tear rolled down Ryan’s right cheek. He wished so much for his dad and his brother to be there that it hurt, as always. “Why are you up already?” whispered Jason coming down the stairs seeing his cousin in an unfortunately well-known situation. Ryan just looked at him, not saying anything. His watery eyes and the movie running in the TV had already told the story. Jason felt that he was not supposed to say or ask anything - unlike just about any other time. His cousin had never liked to talk or answer questions when he was sad, and Jay respected that, willing to just be there, to be close and give comfort - and Jason was good at that, even though he never quite knew if what he was doing was right or wrong. Following his instincts the older boy sat down close to his mate, their bare upper bodies touching. Ryan in return leaned in and put his head against Jason’s shoulder, continuing to watch the movie flickering on the TV until it ended 25 minutes later leaving the screen black. Jason broke the moment of silence, sat up and turned towards his cousin deeply looking into his eyes, which were all but empty. They told of loneliness, fear and sadness. Of someone who longed for peace and harmony, who wanted to be happy but didn’t know how. It was that very moment when Jason decided that he would do everything needed, to turn those eyes into happy and lively ones again. To make him forgive and forget, to help him through all of this. He felt so close to Ryan that his own heart ached from the image in front of him. And because Jay had always been a kid full of hope and dreams, he knew that he was going to make that happen. With this confidence in the back of his mind, he took his right hand, tenderly stroked along Ryan’s forehead down to his funny looking milksop above his curvy lips. He tried to wipe it away, but it didn’t work - it had already dried. Not being able to suppress it, Ryan giggled from the tickling the soft touch produced. Jason smiled back, which was conviction enough to tell his cousin that they would be okay without using any word. It worked. Ryan felt understood, he felt the confidence shared with him, he felt that he was not alone and that nobody was there asking him dumb questions about why he felt this or that or how he might be able to overcome it. He felt accepted, just the way he was. That was the best feeling one could have, being sad for whatever reason. Jason leaned in and put his forehead against Ryan’s as a sign of affinity and confidence, trust and respect - just the way real brothers would do it. “I’m going to help you Ry, trust me!” “I do, but so many people have tried... I must be a hopeless case.” “Don’t say that. You’re not....and you can count on me, whatever it is, I promise.” Ryan so much wanted this to be true. He knew that he had already fallen in love with his cousin and longed so much for a little bit more affection than he was able to show, without scaring him away. Just the way he wanted to with Gareth. But with Jay it was more about love than about sexual attraction and the risk of chasing him away with his fondness was even higher. So he didn’t really believe that Jason’s help would make any difference - that was to be proven! “What a lovely view to wake up to...Good morning boys!” Sharon said standing in the living room, “did you sleep well?” The boys reacted surprised and pulled away from the other as if they were caught in the act, not wanting to give a wrong impression. “Yeah, kind of,” Jason answered. “You two ready for breakfast? Come on, help me set the table!”   *** ***   Sitting in the living room with loads of breakfast stuff all over the dinner table, the three satisfied their hunger. Happiness was slowly coming back while considerations about what to do with the day started. Jason had made so many plans before that would only have to pick from a list - if he would have written everything down, as Sharon had asked him to do. Now when it actually came to execution, he was useless sorting through all the ideas in his head. “So what do you think of the AYC?” Sharon asked. “AYC?” Ryan asked. “The Alfond Youth Center, our local YMCA - it re-opened a couple of months ago,” Sharon added. “Good idea Mum, I like that. What do you think, Ryan - swimming, climbing, football, basketball or anything like that?” Ryan agreed and nodded his consent feeling the need for some exercise before he shoved the next spoonful of cereal into his mouth - overall a good plan. “But before that, my dearest nephew,” Ryan’s aunt looked at her son smiling in excitement, “we have a little welcome present for you.” “For me?” “Yes, for you. Here, open it.” Sharon shoved a wrapped little box across the table. “What for?” “Just because we are so happy to have you here!” “...and because we know it means a lot to you, I mean what’s inside,” Jay added. Without any hesitation the youngest of the three tore open the wrapping and lifted the lid of the gift box to find a shining silver crucifix necklace that instantly brought up memories. “Wow, it’s beautiful. It looks exactly as my old one. Hold on a second...it IS my old one,” Ryan said full of surprise, as he turned it around and read his engraved initials on the back of it ‘RPH’. “Yes it is.” “Where did you find it?” “We found it weeks after you’d thrown it away, in the backyard of your house in Portland. We know it’s connected to some bad memories, but we want you to wear it again. Even if God sometimes tests us, we should never forget that he’ll be there, in the good and in the bad times. And now your guardian angel, which lives inside this silver crucifix, will always be with you. How does that sound?” “I like it, really...and thank you for keeping it. It’s a wonderful present but I’m not sure if I can trust God again.” “At least try, everybody deserves a second chance!” “Okay, I’ll try,” the young lad answered while Jason helped to put it around his neck. Ryan had worn this necklace since he had started school and had never taken it off - only during gymnastics. When his father and brother died in 2001 he had been so angry with God that he had ripped it off his neck and threw it out his room window. Months later Sharon found it as they were cleaning up the house for sale, had it refurbished and kept it, waiting for the right moment for Ryan to have it back - the moment that had just arrived. After breakfast, all three went to the AYC and spent a lot of time having fun, playing soccer, jumping into the big pools, diving and climbing in the park. Sharon relaxed, read a book and provided some food and drinks now and then, while the boys satisfied their desire for exercise. It was a wonderful day with lots of energy being burned off and no dark clouds seen anywhere. Although wearing a necklace felt unfamiliar to Ryan, he didn’t take it off.   *** ***   Being totally exhausted from the day, all three agreed to get ready for bed early this Sunday evening. Something big was planned for Monday and that required well relaxed kids. Sharon and Jason didn’t want to tell Ryan what it was, but they emphasized that he would love it; excitement mixed with tiredness combined inside the 12-year-old’s body as they went upstairs into the boy’s room. “That was fun!” Jason stated. “Yeah, I liked the diving platform...and your belly flop.” “Fuck, that burned.” “I know. Thought you’d really hurt yourself and I’d have to come rescue you.” “Not really, my belly stung for a couple secs, that’s all.” “You have to stay in control - more body tension! Sometimes you dropped like a wet towel.” “Says the one, slipping from the climbing wall over and over again.” “Yeah, I got a bruised leg now from that godforsaken grip,” said Ry rubbing his shin. “Oh nooo, should I make your boo-boo go away?” “Fuck off and mind your own business!” A moment of silence passed while the boys dropped their worn boxers to put fresh ones on. Ryan, being brave, didn’t care to turn away from his cousin this time, but made sure he had a clean pair ready to slip on in case something unexpected happened. Jason, once again, had turned away from him, unfortunately shy about flashing Ry a front view. Ryan stood there for a second more than needed, trying another one, and another one, hoping to give the older boy the chance to turn around and see him naked. Excitement crept up his young body. Would he turn around now? Would he understand the message? Before he had the chance to find that out, Ryan’s pecker started filling with blood from the sensual feeling. Quickly slipping on his boxers, he was convinced to have avoided anything that may have come up, not thinking of the tent that was building which immediately caught Jason’s attention the instant he turned around. “Oh, you have a....” “Yeah, I’m sorry,” Ryan reacted covering his crotch with his hand. “Nothing to be sorry about - it happens to me all the time.” By saying that, the older boy also felt his thing rise in his underwear, anxious for it to reveal the truth about his feelings for Ryan. He jumped into the bed as fast as possible and turned on his side so it wasn’t that obvious anymore. “Jay?” “Yeah?” “Thank you!” “For what?” “For being there for me.” “I said I am, and I mean it.” “I know and I always feel better, when you’re with me. Dunno why, but I trust that....” “You trust what?” “Nothing, forget it.” “No, what?!” “I...don’t really trust in God anymore. But I trust that you’ll make things better.” “What things do you mean?” “I mean all the things happening around me. All that stuff in my mind. I don’t know where to start anymore and need...no, I want your help...I want to forget.” “I’ve already promised to help you and I will, but you have to be honest in return. So no fucking around anymore, right?” Ryan thought for a minute lying down on the bed, wrapping himself in his blanket, weighing his options. “But what if there’s something really embarrassing. Something totally awkward and painful.” “You can tell me everything.” “Even if it’s something scary?” “What would that be?” Jason asked. “For example....if I killed someone?” “That’s bullshit.” “I know, but what if I told you that I...” Ryan bore up and in his mind said the words he feared as much as he knew they were true ‘...like you more than...’. “What?” “Nothing, I just thought loudly.” “Ryyyy, whatever it is, spit it out. I mean, you don’t have to, but if you want me to help you...” “I know...there’s one thing.” “What is it?” “May I...perhaps....sleep in your bed?” “You mean, we swap?” “No, I mean with you.” Jason’s heart pumped twice as hard as he understood the words fully. He hadn’t seen this one coming. “We haven’t slept in one bed for years.” “Oh, yeah....then forget about it.” “No, I didn’t mean it that way. Of course you can. You’re like my little brother and you can sleep in my bed anytime.” Excitement added to J’s already freaking out heart while his already relaxed crotch area reacted once more, much to the dismay of the older boy. Ryan carefully got under the blanket that Jay had slightly raised, and turned his back towards his big ‘brother’ slowly crawling closer to satisfy his need for bodies touching. The closer he got, the higher was the risk for him to sense the older boy’s boner ‘Oh my fucking gaaawd, STOP!’ went through the 13-yer-old’s mind, yet wanting him to continue....the fear for this to end up in a humiliating situation increased... ...and there it was - Contact! Ryan felt it....Jason felt it....both were aware of it...even though neither one said a word or dared to move any further. If Ryan would have turned now, the two young guns could have had a sword fight - both excited to the guts, both incapable to say a word or move. This was the most exciting circumstance any of the boys had ever been in with any other person - it felt a bit like unexpected sex - if either of them knew what that meant - powerful, tempting, pleasurable. Just like the shower scene of Ryan wanking, which appeared on Jason’s mind for a second. It could have lasted forever and they both would have died happily after. They had never been that close before, connected with the most sensitive thing Jason had on his body. Breathing alone made it move a tiny little bit all the time, which didn’t really help. So Jay decided to solve the discomfort and turned on his back, making sure his dick would not stand up like a flag pole. Once done he already quickly the step, but it hadn’t felt good, so he did what he thought was the right thing. Ryan sighed silently as the pleasure faded away: ‘Did Jason do that with intention? Was he feeling the same as I do? What if I just tell him, how I feel?‘ “Jay, I know that....” Ryan began but discontinued soon after. “What’s going on with you? You’re stuttering like a little baby today.” “Uhm...nothing....good night!” “Look, I’m sorry about that thing down there. It has a mind of its own. I can’t control it.” Ryan smiled and turned his head. “It is not about your boner.” “So you felt it?” “Yeah?!” “And you didn’t say anything?” “Why should I if it’s a natural thing?” “But what was it then, I mean that you wanted to say?” “Nothing.” “Awww you’re driving me crazy. Ry, tell me now!” Jason commanded with a strict voice. “Promise, that you won’t be mad at me!” “I won’t, tell me!” Ryan took a deep breath and said it, “I had a boner as well.” “So what? That happens, it doesn’t mean anything as long as we don’t give a fuzz about it or run around naked having a stiffy.” ‘Actually it means a lot, you dummy!’ thought Ryan, hoping that Jay had understood this message as he actually uttered “Oh, okay”. No further words were exchanged. Both boys closed their eyes and to the chirping of the cricket army outside, they fell asleep thinking about the other, and the wonderful exciting moment they had just shared.   *** Monday - 28th of June 2004, 9:11 AM ***   Jason unwillingly opened his eyes the next morning, lying on his back. He was still a bit tired, because he hadn’t slept well due to all the movement caused by his cousin. To his surprise, Ryan had an arm resting on his chest and the right leg on top if his. A warm and comfortable situation to wake up to and even though he needed a pee, the older one didn’t want to move, didn’t want to complain or untangle for the closeness that he sensed. He just enjoyed feeling Ryan’s body nearby. As the younger boy started to move, Jason quickly closed his eyes pretended he was still asleep. Ryan had the same experience. As he opened his eyes he found himself snuggled up to Jay whose warm body was sending a strong ‘Touch me!’ message and felt an addictive excitement flash through his own mind. While he smelled an enjoyable sweet and enticing odor from Jason, he watched his mate’s chest rise and fall. The light brown nipples in front of him were standing at attention and the flat lower body was partly covered with little golden fuzz of thin boyish hair. Ryan moved his arm a little back and forth, sensing the softness of the skins rubbing each other. Lost in pure yet unclear thoughts from the night before, he felt a movement from the older boy so he quickly closed his eyes again, also pretending to still be asleep. “Ryan?” Jason whispered. “Yeah?” was heard in a mumbling tone. “Are you awake?” “No!” “I need to pee.” “You need permission?” “No, but your arm...” “I don’t wanna move.” With a sigh, Mr. Campbell Jr. shoved Ryan’s arm away and peeled himself out of the bed heading straight for the so much needed toilet, still being in a bit of trance from the similarly wonderful and embarrassing bedtime. Returning to his room, he sat down next to Ryan, who was still lying in his bed, half covered, his legs and upper body exposed to the refreshing morning sun that was calling for action. “Hey, it’s nearly half past nine - get up! Mum’s already fixing breakfast.” “I have ears myself.” “Didn’t sleep well uh?” “Naa, not really.” “I know, you must have moved around a thousand times, like a pregnant rabbit.” “What do you know about pregnant rabbits?” “Gosh, shut up now and at least open your eyes!” Jason lay down again next to Ryan - their faces only inches away from each other - staring at him with eyes wide open and a sheepish grin on his face, poking the young boy in the ribs and chest. “Awww, fuck off!” “No, you gotta get up - it’s a beautiful day and we have another surprise for you.” “What do you mean?” “I’m not going to tell you now. You’ll see, but not before you get up! Now move your freakin ass!” “Just a minute.” “Just a minute, just a minute - every time the same with you.” “Yeah.” “Listen Ry, last night....I’m sorry for that...you know...” “No problem.” “Really?” “Yeah, I liked it.” ‘OH MY GOD, did I just say that out loud? Wake up you idiot!’ Ryan thought, being fully awake in only a second, his heart filling with the blood that was now carrying an immense amount of adrenaline into every corner of his young body. “What do you mean, you liked it?” Jason was surprised from the unexpected answer, his tummy tensing from the meaning of the words he had just heard. ‘Did he really mean he liked it, or was that more an I-accepted-it message? How can he like something that was embarrassing for me?’ “Nothin...I...I gotta pee.” Like a flash Ryan flew out of the bed and ran into the bathroom, spending quite a bit more time than usual brushing his teeth and getting ready for the day than usual, leaving Jason wondering what was going on with his cousin.   *** ***   Two and a half hours and a quiet breakfast later the three were turning into Terminal Street in Westbrook, Maine, close to Portland. Sharon was wondering if anything had happened between the boys for them to be so quiet but had concluded that they must have had a short night. “What are we doing here?” Sharon’s nephew asked. “This is your surprise.” “I know this place - it’s were my old gym club was.” “And still is,” she said stopping the car at the building with the number 20, the Maine Academy of Gymnastics. “No way!” “Of course - we’re visiting your old gym club.” “REALLY?” “Yes,” Sharon answered with a smile as she turned around eyeing the boys on the back seat, “We have arranged for you to get together with your old coach.” Once again like a chased rabbit, Ryan opened the back doors of the dark green 1993 Plymouth Grand Voyager, jumped out and ran towards the main entrance. Quickly looking around for any changes, he scanned the training hall for known faces. “JACKSON!” A man in his mid 40s with black hair, wearing the usual trainer tracksuit, turned around with a lit face as he spotted the young gun that he hadn’t seen for years now, but had spent so many hundreds of hours with exercising and preparing for what he expected to be a bright future for Ryan in gymnastics. “RYAAN!” he shouted back. Both moved towards each other, Ryan picking up speed, running and finally jumping the older guy wrapping his arms around the good and longtime friend. “Oh my God, it’s so good to see you,” Jackson said full of enthusiasm “Look how strong you’ve become.” The young boy didn’t want to let go “...and you have gained some weight as well,” said his old trainer forced to let him down. “So, how are you then?” “I’m level nine now.” “Wow, that’s great! Congratulations! Even though I thought you were at ten now,” said his former, pleased by Ry’s progress while subtly encouraging him to continue to advance. “I know....I guess I would be, if I was here....really missed you and our training,” Ryan stated. “Is the training in U.K. not as good as here?” “Well, it was, but that’s another story. I don’t have something like a personal coach there, not like you,” he said with a happy expression on his face from the overwhelming surprise. “You want to train with me today?” “I don’t know. I have to ask. Sharon, can I, please!” “Of course you can, that’s why we’re here. You have all the time you want and for as long as Jackson can have you. I’ll be going to the Maine Mall looking around and you boys can stay here, if you’d like.” “If I like? I’d love to!” “And I’ll be watching,” Jason threw in, knowing and accepting that he would be the fifth wheel here. “Okay Ryan, get into the lockers, you’ll find a suitable tricot and shorts there for you and do your warm-up. Then we can see what you’ve learned!” Minutes later, the young sport was ready, fiddling with the old tricot he used to wear - it was a bit tight now, plus he wasn’t used to wearing it anymore. In the U.K. they would only wear the team tricots on championships, competitions or so, but that wouldn’t create any problems. Now the fun started and Ryan began with his warm-up followed by some dry exercises on the hard mat showing off his strength and balance, flexibility and dedication, before circling the mushroom as in preparation for the pommel horse. Jason tried one or two drills but simply didn’t have the strength and could therefore only sit down and admire his cousin for the skills he had and the ability to hold his body in pretty unusual positions for so long. They all required a lot of muscles in the right places, which Jay just didn’t have. And so he watched with happiness and, he had to admit a little envy, as his young cousin performed routines he could only dream of but Ryan’s happiness more than compensated Jason for the couple hours they were there.   *** Back home in Waterville - 4:21 PM ***   After the satisfying training and the short trip back to Waterville, the boys were upstairs, Ryan resting a bit from the exertion. Both had started to chill out on the way back home and eagerly flopped down on their beds at home. In the living room, the only adult in this household grabbed her cell phone and dialed one of her favorites. “Hey Sue, it’s me, Sharon,” Ryan’s aunt spoke to the younger boy’s mother. “Hi Sharon, how are you and how’s my beloved son. This fine friend hasn’t even called by now.” “We’re all fine - nothing to worry about. And we both know how they are. I’d only call in case of an emergency. How are you?” “I’m okay, started fighting the ghosts. It’s difficult, but I’ll survive.” “Sure you will. So, as we agreed, I carried out our plan and took Ryan to the club.” “And, did it work?” “Absolutely, he was so completely into it. Pure happiness about the time he had exercising and not only because of Jackson, so it’s not about gymnastics itself. There has to be something else that made him quit.” “Hmm, I’m sure it’s not about the coach. He’s lovely. Well, whatever, I guess we won’t know unless he tells us. At least I finally know that he still loves gymnastics. That’s a big relief and helps with my plan.” “You’re doing the right thing, Sue.” “Hope so. Okay, I’m in a hurry, meeting my shrink in an hour.” “No problem, I just wanted to let you know.” “Thanks, you’re great. Give my love to the boys and I’ll call tomorrow, okay?” “Okay. I’ll give them both a hug.” “Bye.”   *** ***   One floor up the two youngsters were still resting. “I think you were really good after taking such a long break.” “Yeah, wasn’t too bad, but my balance is screwed. I can’t hold the handstand on the parallels for two minutes anymore.” “Aren’t you being a bit hard on yourself now?” “Yeah, maybe. So what are we going to do now?” “You’re not exhausted?” “Not really.” “Wow, I’d be.” “I feel good, relaxed actually. Missing it already. You think we could go there again?” “Dunno, we can ask Mum?” “We’ll ask her later. But isn’t it way boring for you, isn’t it?” “Naa, I like watching you. It’s really impressive.” “Oh, you like watching me?” Jason immediately thought of the shower scene, where he’d seen his cousin wanking and wondered if Ryan was referring to it. Had Ry caught him staring? “Yeah, kinda. But I’ll take a pass on watching you take a dump though.” Both boys laughed imagining how that would be. Ryan on the other hand liked the idea of somebody watching him - at just about anytime, he decided. His mind began spinning around, asking himself if it meant anything in regards to his feelings for Jason. He was still at a loss how to show his affection without risking a split and, covering himself, answered with a normal boy’s voice. “Gosh you’re disgusting.” “I’m not.” “Yes, you are. What do you like watching me do?” “Well, gym workout, swimming, jumping of the diving platform, sleeping...” “Sleeping?” “Yeah, I like watching you sleep.” “Why?” “Man, I don’t know. You drool like my grandpa.” “I don’t drool!” “Yes, you do, I promise.” “Stop bugging me!” “Okay, sorry, I’m just giving you a little shit.” “I know...and...I like watching you, too,” Ryan said still grinning from the joke before. “When?” “Anytime...eating, swimming, sleeping also...” “..not because I drool...” “No...but even when you’re useless trying to climb the rope at the tree....” “Okay that’s it. Come here you little jerk.” Jason jumped onto his cousin, clamping him down with his legs fighting the intense defensive movements of his opponent. “Noooo, NOO....Jay, wait, please!” “What?” “You said I can tell you everything, right?” Ryan said catching his breath. “Yes.” “And you’d never be mad at me, right?” “Right.” Ryan plucked up all his courage and just said what went through his mind. “I’d like to watch you shower.” Ryan couldn’t believe that he actually said that. His heart was beating like crazy, trying to fight its way up his throat. He didn’t dare say anything because he was terrified of the possible consequences. “You’d what?” “You promised!” “Yeah, but that sounds gay,” the 13-year-old said off the top of his head. That was a kick in young Ryan’s balls. He hadn’t expected such a straight forward response. Pushing Jason off of him - he would have been able to do it anytime anyway - he stood up, left the room, went downstairs, passed Auntie Sharon and left the house through the terrace, his head hanging in shame. “Fuck. You idiot!” Jason said to himself banging with his fist on the mattress. It seemed as if he always screwed up big time whenever he opened his mouth and said something important to Ryan. But he vowed it would never happen again as he sprinted out of his room, down the stairs, following Ry as fast as possible to try and repair the damage he knew he had inflicted on his cousin. “Jason, what’s going on?” Sharon asked as he also wanted to pass her without a word. “Nothing Mum, I said something rude. Don’t worry, I got this.” Trusting that Jason would ask for her help if he ran up against a wall, she let him proceed.   *** ***   Ryan sat on the riverbank, throwing little stones into the river, torn between pride for his bravery and fury at the result. What did he expect anyway? Saying something like that was weird, definitely unwanted, and abnormal. Yeah, that’s what he was, abnormal...at least in his mind. “Hey,” Jason said, dropping down next to his cousin, ripping out some grass and playing with it. “Hey,” said Ryan, almost in a whisper. “Look, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it.” No answer. “I said I’m sorry.” “Whatever.” “No, you have to believe me. I just said it without thinking. It didn’t mean anything, and I kept my promise, I’m not mad at you.” “Okay.” “Okay? What does that mean? Are you mad at ME now?” “No, I accept your apology, but I’m not mad at you, I’m pissed at myself. Could you leave me alone?” The reflective boy was back and needed to think about what to do with his clumsy approach. “Why?” “Please?!” “Okay, suit yourself!” That said, Jason got up and gave Ryan some space. He trusted that within a couple hours Ry would calm down and come back home. Of course Jason was also angry with himself and didn’t know what to do at the moment and he sure wasn’t going to talk about it with his mother - the topic was too sensitive. Ryan got back into the house an hour later, quieter than before, the gym already forgotten. Feeling such strong emotions for his cousin and being rejected was a hard thing for a young boy and he didn’t know how to cope with it. But with a new day, new ideas come and new options may present themselves however Ryan felt just as bad as he had with Gareth. Perhaps all of this wasn’t meant to be. That night, Ryan slept alone in his bed. Jason had apologized to his cousin once more and Ryan had verbally forgiven him, yet he felt embarrassed, but even more, still angry with himself for acting so stupid, so immature, so much like a little kid. This saying what he felt and letting things fall where they may was something he would leave behind as of now.   End of Chapter 5