Date: Sun, 27 Apr 2008 03:00:28 +0000
From: Xenophon . <xenophon66@hotmail.co.uk>
Subject: Silver lining, part 4

Silver Lining
by
Xenophon

Disclaimer: This story involves homosexual acts between under-age boys. If
this offends you, or is illegal for you to view, or you are too young to
read it, leave now and do not return.

This story is entirely fictitious, and any similarity to persons living or
dead, or to actual events is entirely coincidental. So there. I say that
before every story, but this time I'd like to emphasise it- this is made
up, it didn't happen. None of it.

If you like this story, please check out my other story "They reach the
sky" in the gay/young-friends section, last posted 30th March '08.

Thank you to all those who have sent their comments, feedback and
encouragement on parts 1-3. I've been nearly overwhelmed by the amount of
kind words I have been sent. They mean a great deal, and I really
appreciate them- every single one.



Chapter 8- Alex

"I bit my tongue and stood in line, with not much to believe in. I bought
into what I was sold, and ended up with nothing. This is not my idea of a
good time."- SM



Have you ever been in a position where you only get up in the morning
because you don't know what else to do? You can't sleep, you don't want to
get up but lying in bed being miserable is even worse, so you get up, and
go through the motions of life. If you haven't, I'm glad- it's horrible. If
you have, can I recommend making friends with David?

Up until the second Monday of Spring Term, I had been locked into that
pattern of misery. Now I had one thing good in my life- only one- my
friendship with the tall, sad boy who had swept into my life and rescued my
sanity- what was left of it, at any rate. I realised after about a month
that I loved David a bit- not romantic love in the slightest, but a
platonic love. I had never had a friend like him- someone I could talk to
about anything, someone who liked me for who I was. I had few friends in
primary school, all of whom I'd lost touch with within months of moving
school, and I had had four in the entire time in secondary school. None of
them were good friends. I had hung around with a fat boy called Doug now
and again- he was as geeky as me in his interests, but I didn't actually
like him very much. He would say nasty things about various people- mainly
non-white people, gay people, Muslims, Jews and women. When the whole
Malcolm thing erupted he shoved me to the floor spouting about me being a
"dirty poof" and to stay away from him. In hindsight, I was well rid of the
bigoted arsewipe.

The other three were Malcolm and his two emo friends, Liam and James. Those
two I had never really liked or even got on with, but I could tolerate them
if it got me close to Malcolm. My aunt, Jill, had no concept of the word
'discipline', and let me do anything I liked. So the three of them would
happily come around to mine in the knowledge that they could smoke or look
at porn on the internet or half a dozen other things any vaguely competent
parent stops their child doing. Aunt Jill was only ever vaguely there- she
worked all the time, and only gave perfunctory attention to myself or her
miscreant daughter, Charlie. She was some big lawyer, so the house was big,
nice and well outfitted with all the latest gadgets and I never lacked for
anything material. The sad fact was though that I had not felt loved since
my parents died, and I was so little then that I barely remembered it.

In the months since I had stupidly tried to kiss Malcolm (and the whole
bloody school year naturally finding out about it) I had been truly alone,
whole days going by speaking to no one but my teachers. I somehow managed
to keep going, enacting the motions of a life rather than really
living. Now I had something to live for- the next school day, and the
promise of a real friendship. I cannot put into words what David meant to
me- I didn't find him remotely attractive, for some odd reason, but I
wanted to talk to him and spend time with him all the time. I guess that's
what people who have had best friends all their lives are used to, but for
me it was a brand new experience, one I relished. I could just about bear
the rest of my shitty life if I could be friends with David.

Today was Sunday, though. David had been back to London to see friends and
was planning to take Ben for a hair styling when he got back, so I was
stuck in the house alone, playing 'Medieval: Total War' to escape from the
horrible reality of my home life. Charlie was out- probably getting drunk
or screwing some random guy (or both)- and Aunt Jill had been called into
work (yes, she worked on Sundays when asked to- and she wondered why she
had no control over us!). I would look at the clock every hour or so to see
if it was late enough for me to go to bed, to sleep through as much of the
time when I was alone, miserable and friendless, and to make tomorrow, when
I could see my best friend- and Daniel- come sooner.

Daniel was bringing up all sorts of uncomfortable feelings in me again-
things I associated with Malcolm and my horrific mistake. Whenever I looked
at the tall, olive-skinned boy, I felt my heart thump, almost as if
changing gear, and speed up. I found my eyes sliding down his slender body,
over that his tight bottom or fixing on his groin. School trousers left
pretty much everything to the imagination, but thankfully my imagination
has always been overactive so I tried to picture what lay beneath. At that
point I would find myself getting an erection and realise I was staring,
and look away quickly. I'm amazed the only person who noticed was David-
were the others blind? Anyway, I knew better this time- I would have to
restrain myself and hide my feelings as best I could. I didn't believe
David- he was just being kind, saying he thought Daniel liked me back, I
was certain. My reputation was bad enough- coming on too strong on a second
straight boy would get me in even worse strife, and Daniel might grass me
up or something, and I'd be in deep shit with the staff this time. No, I
had to resign myself to a life of loneliness- and internet porn and
masturbation, obviously- I'm lonely, not dead.

Finally, around eight, I heard the door slam shut, and I assumed Aunt Jill
was home. I was wrong- I heard Charlie's drunken giggle as she led some new
beau up the stairs and into the room next to mine. For the next, oh, five
minutes, I was treated to giggles and groans and the banging of the
bedstead against my wall before the inebriated visitor must have got
overexcited. Ten minutes later I heard him leave. There was a knock on my
door.

"What?" I snapped. This could only be bad for me.

"Hey, cos," Charlie slurred. "Got any fags?" She laughed, finding her own
pun hilarious. "I mean, cigarettes, obviously- an ugly little squirt like
you would have to get any man paralytic before he'd come back with you!
Even dirty old men wouldn't touch you!"

I was used to this. She sounded harsh, but for her this was polite. I
sighed. I frequently stole cigarettes from Aunt Jill- she never cared, and
I looked too young to blag buying them- and had a few spare packs lying
around for this sort of intrusion. I tossed Charlie a half-empty pack of
Bensons.

"Cheers Al," she slurred. She was truly wasted. "Th-that was a friend, just
wanted to see my room."

"Yeah, I guessed- from the groaning, the headboard banging the wall and the
fact he left after fifteen minutes. At least tell me you used a condom- no
poor kid should get stuck with you as a mother," I said.

She walked over to my computer desk and hit me- properly, catching my cheek
with her knuckles and knocking my glasses off, throwing me to the floor.

"Watch your mouth, you little shit!" she screamed, and staggered off,
leaning on the door frame to light a smoke, slamming my door as she left
before collapsing into the brothel she called a bedroom.

I lay where I landed and cried. Not the powerful sobbing I had broken out
in in David and Ben's room, just softly weeping to myself. I hated that
bitch, I hated useless Aunt Jill, and I hated myself. For being too clever,
for being a geek, for being small and weedy, for being so useless with
other people and for being gay. I had a sudden fit of jealousy for Ben- he
had a nice home, nice parents and shared a room with his lover, my best
friend. He was popular, athletic, good-looking and slightly above average
size for his age. If I could swap places with him... but I couldn't and
even if I could, that would deny him to David, and he would have to put up
with my life, and I wouldn't wish that on anyone- even Malcolm.

After a while, I stopped crying, and just went to bed- it was ridiculously
early, but I couldn't bear to be in the waking world. Despite the early
night, I awoke with my alarm telling me to get up or I'd be late- and miss
some of the only good times in my life. I got up, showered, rescued my
glasses from under my computer desk where they had landed after Charlie
punched me, and dressed. Aunt Jill had come home and left for work again,
all while I slept. No wonder Charlie's dad buggered off before I was
orphaned- that woman cared for nothing but her own career. Heartless bitch.

I got to school first, naturally- the grounds were totally deserted. The
first boy in the whole school, as it was every morning since David turned
up and Martin invited us into their group. Don't get me wrong, I liked all
four other boys- particularly Daniel- but just found it difficult to talk
to them. I'd been more part of the package deal for David than a genuine
invitee.

After about ten minutes, other boys began to turn up. Jason was the first
of the group to arrive. Jason was cool- he always looked well-groomed but
casual in his uniform. On the few occasions I'd seen him in civvies he was
well-dressed and stylish. He had a calm, happy air about him, and never
seemed to have to try too hard to get on with people. I had a feeling he
could have had as many friends as he liked, but was simply happy with those
that he had. I liked him, but was always slightly intimidated by his
coolness.

"Awright, good weekend?" he asked as he came up to me.

"OK," I lied, not wanting to talk about it. "Do anything good?"

"Football on Saturday was OK- nothing special. Won 5-1. Not bad for us," he
said. I guessed that was good- you could write what I knew about sport on a
fag butt. "Sunday was boring- got dragged to church, as usual, which was
OK, and went to my auntie's in Islington. She's a great cook and my cousins
are alright- think they're hard, but they're OK. You?"

"Nothing much," I said. "I had a county youth orchestra rehearsal on
Saturday, which was good. Sunday was boring."

That's probably something David's not mentioned yet, I suppose. My one
refuge from the world other than David is music. David's a good singer, but
it's a hobby for him- for me, it was much more. I got lost in playing Bach
partitas or listening to Bruckner symphonies for hours on end, and managed
to black out the misery of the real world. I had started playing the violin
when I was about four- when my parents were still alive- and played at
least two hours a day, every day. I was fairly good- never good enough to
be professional, but a good amateur. I played in the truly awful school
orchestra and played in the county youth orchestra. I even did the
occasional concert solo piece. I had lessons at least once a week, and my
teacher was trying to teach me and another of her pupils the Vivaldi
concerto for two violins in A minor. I say try- she did teach us. I could
play it fairly well, and the other pupil, a sixteen year old girl called
Andi, breezed through it without difficulty. I had a ravenous appetite for
music, both playing and listening. Unfortunately, my total ignorance of any
music written after about 1960 (unless you count Philip Glass) added
another stumbling block to my social life- I couldn't talk music with
anyone except David, him being the only other boy I knew who had even heard
of Bruckner or Rimsky-Korsakov or pretty much anyone bar Mozart, in fact.

"Yeah, I forgot you played," said Jason. "Listen, you playing in the
concert later this term?"

"Yeah, probably," I said. I was underplaying myself- I would be leading the
orchestra and playing a solo piece by Fiocco, but with all my existing
social ills, I wasn't one to blow my own trumpet.

"Well, I was speaking to Martin after football on Saturday, and we know
Daniel's playing something on the piano and David's singing in the choir,
so we thought we should come support you. Would you mind?" he said.

Mind? Why in the name of all that is good in life would I mind? I was
floored by the offer- I hadn't been to their sports matches. Granted I had
rehearsals so couldn't, but I probably wouldn't have gone even if I could,
such was my disinterest in all things sporting.

"You don't have to-" I began.

"No, but we want to," Jason cut me off. "All three of us- Mouse, Martin and
me- want to hear you three. And you support your mates. At least, we do."

"I'd really like it, Jace. If I get a Saturday off, I'll come watch you lot
play," I vowed.

He laughed. "You just want an excuse to see us in our shorts, don't you?"
he said. When he saw my face fall, he added, "I'm joking, Alex- relax
mate. We'd love it if you came, but no pressure- you're busy, we get it."

Shock of shocks, Martin turned up next. That was the earliest he'd got to
school in living memory.

"OK, who are you, and what have you done with Martin Leamy?" Jason asked.

"Fuck off Jace, my mam got a letter from the school about me being late all
the time and I got a glass of cold water in the face to get me up this
morning. Happy?" he glowered at us. We both laughed. Martin looked like
thunder.

Mouse and David arrived almost simultaneous shortly after, Ben splitting
off with a glance back at David at the gate. Mouse also asked if he could
come to the concert, and I could have kissed him in gratitude. Daniel was,
unusually for him, the last to arrive, getting in just as the bell went. I
had begun to get worried about him.

"Made it," he gasped, panting like he had run in. "Couldn't get in the
bathroom for ages- my little brother's been throwing up all night and this
morning, I've had bugger all sleep and my room smells of puke. How's
everyone else?"

We laughed, his question obviously ironic. That was possibly the longest
sentence I'd heard from the stunning youth. He was 5'7'', had dark brown
hair, light brown eyes that almost seemed to glow in the right light and
rimless glasses that heightened his fine, noble features. He was slender
but not skinny, and, to me, the most stunning thing I'd ever seen. Despite
his actually being almost a full year younger than me, he looked two or
three years older than I did. I suddenly realised we were almost at our
class, Jason and Mouse had gone to their own class without me noticing and
I was staring at Daniel. He seemed to notice the second before I could look
away, and smiled shyly at me.

The rest of the morning was largely uneventful. I was left alone thanks to
pretty much everyone being afraid of Martin's wit, Mouse's strength and
David's wit and strength. After lunch (greasy spoon junk food, as was usual
for us on Mondays) we went for Games. We all walked into the same changing
room, as we were early (for once) and could choose our own spaces rather
than having to fight for a clothes hook. I found myself next to Daniel. I
realised I had never seen him less than fully clothed, and had to suppress
the mental image that thought conjured up. To a mixture of horror, delight
and lust, I realised that, no matter where I looked, I could see him
changing out of at least the corner of my eye. Trying to think of boring
things to prevent the impending hard-on, I decided to subtly check him out
as he stripped to put on his football kit.

His chest showed a little development when he pulled his shirt off- he was
fairly slender, but there was a clearer outline of his pectoral muscles,
and his stomach was washboard flat. His nipples were brown, perfectly
complimenting his olive skin, and he had an innie navel that I wanted to
dive into with my tongue. He had tufts of black hair in his armpits, but
otherwise his torso was hairless. He dropped his trousers, exposing his
firm, slender legs. His feet looked expertly sculpted, and in perfect
proportion to his legs. His feet had high arches and his toes were neat and
his nails trimmed. He had a dusting of black hair on his calves but
otherwise his legs were smooth. It took all my self restraint not to run my
hands over them. He was wearing black briefs that hugged his firm bottom
beautifully, and the pouch at the front appeared full and well
endowed. Sadly, he didn't drop them and expose his proud maleness, but I
supplied the image from my imagination. He...was... GORGEOUS!

I managed to avoid anything more than a semi-on, and kept changing while I
watched him, so I don't think he or anyone else noticed. When we were all
ready to go out and play (or at least try, in my case), David and I were
last out. He winked and grinned at me. Apparently he had seen me having a
good, lecherous look at the object of my desire. I felt a warmth blossom on
my cheeks, but I didn't worry- David was discreet.

Rugby was, as always, bloody awful. David, Mouse and Martin may love it,
but I have never, ever seen the attraction- you only play when it's cold,
the ground's usually more mud than turf, it involves trying to hurt the
opposition as much as skill, it stops and starts like a bus in rush hour,
it hurts, it knackers you out and you need a degree in calculus to work out
the scoring- although not as bad as cricket, I grant you- that sport takes
complexity and esotericism to an art form. Anyhow, you get my point- I
didn't like it. The fact that I was royally bad at it- partly due to me not
being able to see very well without my glasses- despite the others trying
to help me improve, didn't help. I found myself being put through the
drills and mucking them up, and felt useless. The others being good at them
didn't help my mood much. To absolutely no one's surprise, I didn't make
the squad for Saturday.

Back in the changing rooms, I decided to skip showering, partially because
I was embarrassed by my spindly body and didn't want people looking at me
and partially because I couldn't be bothered given how little mud I had on
my body and how little exertion I'd put into the practice. As I pulled off
my socks (boots had to be taken off outside) I saw the other three rugby
players I was friends with strip and head to the shower. I will admit to
giving each the perfunctory once-over. Mouse may have got the name from his
height, but in honesty it could have applied below the belt too- he was not
well endowed, even smaller than I was in the trouser department. Martin's
ginger pubes looked weird to me- definitely not my thing. For some reason I
skipped David- he was Ben's, and off-limits to even glance at. Then Jason
and Daniel came in. By now I was putting my uniform back on. I missed Jason
going into the shower, so couldn't resolve the line about black boys being
better endowed. I was too busy trying not to stare at Daniel. He removed
all his clothes without a shred of modesty, and walked into the shower. He
was about four inches soft, circumcised (of course, him being Jewish) and
perfect. His balls were not large but not small either, and hung quite
loosely. His whole package looked like the creation of a Renaissance
sculptor- it was simply ideal, and I suddenly found myself stiff as a
post. Thankfully I was fully dressed, and could carry my kit bag in front
of my groin as I went outside to wait for the others.

As usual, we all enquired what we were doing this evening before we
left. The answers were usually the same, and for the most part, today was
no exception.

"Nothing," said Mouse.

"Bugger all," said Martin.

"Sweet Fanny Adams," said Jason.

"Less than that," said David.

"Babysitting my brothers," said Daniel, breaking the monotony. "The olds
have got some teaching conference at one of the big hospitals in London, so
they won't be back till late. My sister's staying at a friend's thank God,
so I've just got two of them to look after."

"Want some company?" someone said. I looked around. Oh bollocks, that was
me wasn't it? Oh, I'd done it now- raise rejection shields, plot a course
at scarper factor 9, prepare to engage.

"Won't your aunt mind? It's a school night," said Daniel. I stopped myself
from waggling a finger in my ear to check I was hearing right- that didn't
sound like a 'no' to me.

"She wouldn't even notice- if she's there, which she won't be," I
said. Sadly, that was true.

"I'd like the company, thanks mate. I'll just phone Mum to check it's
OK. Bye guys," he said, reaching for his mobile and waving as the others
left. David winked at me as he left to meet Ben, a knowing smirk on his
face. I mouthed "Fuck off" at him, smiling, and he grinned harder.

After a brief chat, Daniel found out it was fine for me to come round- as
long as we did our homework. Yeah, dream on! Like I was going to waste my
time on voltage-current-resistance calculations when I could be getting to
know the best looking boy I knew. "Calm, Alex," I thought, "don't repeat
your mistake with Malcolm just because he's fit and makes you horny."

As we set out for his house- which turned out to be less than two minutes
walk from mine- we were silent. I tried to think of something to say, and
was about to start a conversation at least three times, stopping myself
when I thought it was stupid each time. Daniel was quiet. Finally I had to
say something.

"So, what's this thing your parents are doing?" I asked.

"Oh, they teach people training to be doctors," he said. "They've got some
meeting about curriculum or something- I don't really understand it, it's
all a bit... involved."

"Oh," I said. "They're doctors then?"

"Yeah," he said. "You can tell by their handwriting- it's terrible!"

I laughed.

"So do you wanna be a doctor too?" I asked, desperately thinking of
something to say that would make him talk- I loved the deep, soft sound of
his voice, and I wanted to know everything there was to know about him.

"I dunno, really," he said. "I mean, it sounds interesting when they talk
about it, but it's lots of work and I'm not sure if I'm smart enough."

"Are you taking the piss?" I said. "You get moved up a year for being
clever, you're what- top three in the year in grades?"

"Fourth," he said. "Not that I keep track," he added, blushing handsomely.

"Daniel, this is me- I'm not gonna take the piss for being smart, am I? I'm
a geek, not a hypocrite," I said. He laughed, something he didn't do often
enough for my liking- when he laughed, his usually sombre face lit up and
his eyes flashed like hazel gemstones.

"Yeah, OK, I guess I'm fairly smart," he conceded. "But I'm not sure if I'm
good enough when, y'know, people's lives depend on it."

"You are- and you're kind too. I'd be really glad to have a doctor like
you," I said, then realised what I had said, and felt my cheeks burn and
tried to think of an escape line. I failed.

"Thanks," he said. "That's nice. Oh well, I've got a few years to
decide. What about you? What do you want to be when you grow up?"

"Five foot six, at least," I said. He laughed. "Seriously though, I don't
really know. I hate the sight of blood, so doctoring's out. Aunt Jill's a
lawyer so I can't think of anything I'd rather be less. In my dreams I'm a
concert violinist, but I'll never be good enough for that. I like history
at school, so maybe something to do with that, but I'm not sure."

Daniel nodded, and we walked on in silence for a bit.

"Hey, can I ask you something?" I said, wanting to know something. "People
call me Alex, not Alexander. David's David not Dave out of choice. Why does
no one call you Dan?"

"No one ever has. I've not really had many friends, and I don't talk much,
so people don't really use my name much," he said, shrugging.

"Can I call you Dan?" I asked. "I mean, we're friends, aren't we?"

"Yeah, I guess we are. You're the first person to come back to my house
since primary school, anyway," he said. That surely couldn't be right- he'd
been at the school for three-and-a-half years and no one had come home with
him? Had he been THAT lonely the whole time and we'd missed each other?
We'd been in the same class the whole time, for fuck's sake. "Yeah, I'd
like it if you called me Dan. More personal, somehow," he said, smiling at
me. I felt my heart change gear again and set off like a greyhound chasing
the hare as he did so, and found myself smiling back. He was really quite
overwhelming.

We walked in silence for a bit again, and I though about what he'd said. I
had heard through the grapevine (Mouse told Martin who told Jason who told
David who told me) that Dan (as he shall be henceforth) had been badly
picked on- something I hadn't been so much until the Malcolm fiasco- until
Martin made friends with him while stuck in detention- Martin for lateness,
Dan for cheating (a trumped up charge- someone was trying to cheat off him
and the teacher got things the wrong way around). He had been bullied and
lonely. No wonder I felt such affinity for him- that, and his being drop
dead delicious.

"What are your brothers called?" I asked, as he led us up the path to his
front door. His house was big, I noticed.

"Sam's the elder, Peter's the younger," he said. We went inside.

Dan introduced me to his mum and dad, who were getting ready to leave. Dan
was the spitting image of his mother facially, but she was quite tiny-
shorter than me, even. He got his height from his father, who was well over
six foot- when you get to be a foot taller than me, I stop counting the
extra inches. His little brothers, who looked far more like their father
than Dan, were sitting at the dinner table eating fish fingers. Dan went
for a pee and his mum told the two younger boys to be good and to do as
they were told while his huge father and I made small talk. He seemed nice-
a real gentle giant with a deep, soft voice- much like his son.

"Alex, there's food in the freezer, fridge and cupboards- help yourself to
anything you like, and if you don't know how to cook it, Daniel certainly
should, so get him to do it. He knows how to be a host. Now, you're sure
your parents don't mind you being here?" Dan's mum asked.

"I live with my aunt, and no, she's fine with it," I said, perhaps
exaggerating her degree of interest just a tad.

Dan came out of the bathroom, and gave his parents a kiss each as they
left.

"How was school?" Dan asked, giving his brothers a kiss and cuddle each.

They were sweet kids, with the same brown hair, big brown eyes and glasses
Dan had, just with entirely different bone structure in their faces. They
both answered with "good, thank you", and Peter, the younger boy, showed
Dan a painting he did of his family at school. To me, it looked a terrible
mess of smudged watercolours, but Dan sat the smaller child on his lap and
praised the picture like it was an original Jacques-Louis David
masterpiece. The little child beamed at his brother, then got bored and
went to watch TV. Sam quickly followed, and a fight nearly broke out over
the remote control before Dan took it and put it in his pocket, telling
them to watch nicely. He came back into the kitchen, and we sat down at the
table, facing each other.

"Annoying brats, aren't they?" Dan whispered.

"You don't actually think that, do you?" I said. "You're far too good with
them to find them that bad."

"You're supposed to find your little brothers annoying though, aren't you?"
he said.

"I wouldn't know," I said. "But we're friends- you don't have to pretend."

OK, so I'm a hypocrite- sue me.

"They're OK," he said. "They can be annoying- like that little argument you
just saw. But they're my brothers, so yeah I guess I do love them. We've
shared a room all our lives, so we're pretty good friends too. I just wish,
y'know, sometimes..."

"You could have some time to yourself, some privacy?" I said as he ran out
of words.

"Yeah," he said. "And Mum and Dad have to work late and at weekends
sometimes so I have to babysit them all the time. But they're the best
friends I've got, so I suppose I shouldn't complain."

His hands were resting on the table, clasped together. He looked tense,
like he was holding something in. Without thinking, I put one of my hands
on his.

"I'd like us to be good friends too," I said. I suddenly realised what I
was doing, and was about to snatch my hand away and apologise when he
smiled at me, a hint of sadness in his eyes.

"Thanks," he said simply. He still looked like he was holding something
back.

In many ways, I felt Dan and I had more in common than ever at that
moment. He always seemed to be holding back, mentally biting his tongue as
if he was about to lose control in some way. I always felt the same, but I
dealt with that feeling by being bluff and over the top- throwing myself
into conversations so any meaningful and potentially upsetting topics could
be avoided. In my entire life, only David and Malcolm had seen me without
the barriers, and that had resulted in a fifty percent disaster rate- bad
by any measure. I had to keep the social deflector shields up now, or I
would embarrass us both. Unless I could persuade him to lower his first...

"Are you OK? You look like you want to say something," I said. I felt his
hands clench under mine.

"I... it's just..." he said. I could see the barrier weakening- he was
almost going to open up.

"I'm bored!" said Peter, the little boy bounding into the kitchen.

I jerked my hand away, and Dan looked at his brother, seemingly about to
shout at him before finally seeing the child and visibly reining his
imminent anger in.

"Have the cartoons finished?" he asked. Peter nodded. "What's Sam doing?"

"Playing Playstation. I wanna play football!" he said.

"Well, go out into the garden then- but it'll be dark in half an hour, so
come back in then," Dan said.

The boy bounded off. Dan's face had reset to it's usual impassivity. I had
been so close.

"You wanna go upstairs or something? Mess about online while the little
'uns aren't in our room?" he asked.

I nodded and we went upstairs. Dan's room was big enough, but with his bed
and his brothers' bunk beds it didn't feel it. That, and the mess looked
like an angry bear had been through the room throwing any and everything
onto the floor except Dan's computer. He booted it up and we messed about
for a bit, watching funny videos that made me guffaw and him barely smile,
and other inane but fun stuff. I didn't care what we were doing- I was with
Dan, in his bedroom. Making ourselves comfortable, we slid our shoes and
socks of, undid our ties and he unbuttoned the top two buttons of his
shirt, allowing me a glimpse of just a little of his beautiful chest. Just
the sight of that small patch of skin and his bare feet had me hunching
forward to hide the growing arousal I had.

We got bored of the site we were on, and Dan popped downstairs to call in
Peter and check Sam wasn't setting the house on fire or anything like
that. I wanted to find the address of one of the sites we had visited to
look at when I got home, as I didn't know it, and went to the history of
his browser. Scrolling through the list of websites, I spotted one I was
all too familiar with- the Nifty erotic stories archive. I opened the list
of stories he'd been reading. I had a quick twinge of guilt over invading
his privacy like that, but I had to know- I needed to know if I had any
chance with him, to know if he was like me. I quickly surveyed the list of
stories- they were all from the gay section of the archive. My heart
somersaulted in my chest- he was gay! He'd never like me, of course, but it
kept my fantasy alive.

Suddenly I heard the door open, and Dan come in behind me. He had been
half-smiling when he came in, but as he spotted what I was looking at, the
hint of happiness vanished from his face. Instead of his usual emotionless
look, however, I saw a range of expressions flash across his features-
anger, fear, despair and several I couldn't recognise, before he controlled
himself and his stony expression reasserted itself.

"You'll want to go now, I suppose," he said, looking at the floor. I could
see his jaw muscle clenching. He held the door to his room open.

"No- do you want me to?" I asked. I had a horrible feeling I'd just fucked
things up royally again.

Dan shrugged. I got up and went over to him. I tentatively touched the hand
he was using to hold the door open with my hand. I put my other hand on his
shoulder.

"I'll go if you want me to," I said, "but I want to stay. I like spending
time with you. I'm sorry I did that, I was being nosey, and I had no
right. If you want to kick me out, I'll understand."

"NO!" he said, more forceful than I'd hear him say anything before. The
shield had slipped momentarily, but he quickly raised it again. "I mean, if
you wanna stay, that's cool."

"Yeah, I do," I said, smiling at him. He was avoiding looking at me. "I
really like spending time with you, Dan, I like you a lot."

He still avoided my eyes. I slipped my hand into his, taking it off the
door, allowing it to swing shut. I stood infront of him.

"You know that doesn't bother me, right?" I said. He stayed silent. I
thought I could see tears in his eyes. "You know I'm that way too- that I
like boys."

"You didn't see it then," he said at last.

"See what?" I said. When he didn't speak, I went back to the computer to
see what he meant. He tried to stop me. "Dan, what is it? I promise I won't
mind. Show me. Please."

He looked like he was about to start crying. Finally, a tear rolling down
his left cheek, he clicked on one of the stories. I read it quickly. It was
written from the point of view of a thirteen year-old boy who sounded very
confused- he didn't know why, but he had started thinking about boys
without their clothes on. In particular, one very geeky friend of
his. Whenever he was around him he got new, strange feelings in his groin
and chest, and couldn't think properly. He knew the boy was gay, but didn't
understand what he felt. Finally, the boy stumbled across the Nifty archive
by accident and started reading the 'young friends' section of the gay
stories, and began to get aroused by them, eventually starting to jack off
to them. Finally, the boy telling the story kissed the other, geeky boy,
but he rejected him, going off with a rugby playing hunk instead. The story
ended with the boy crying himself to sleep.

"This...this is me?" I said. "You wrote this?" He nodded, tears in his eyes
still. "You think I fancy David? Boy are you wide of the mark!" I said.

"Huh?" Dan said. "But you're with him all the time- you talk to him about
everything. You've been to his house and everything."

"We're really good friends, but I don't like him that way and he doesn't
like me that way either. I like someone else."

His face was barely a foot from mine as we hunched over the computer. I
could smell just the hint of sweat from football still lingering on his
skin, and I could see all the fine details of his skin close up- the soft
down on his cheeks, the faint stubble where he'd obviously shaved off a
wispy moustache, the double reflection of the computer screen in his
glasses and his beautiful brown eyes behind them. I couldn't stop myself. I
leaned in and brushed his lips with mine, feeling his sweet breath wash
over my face, and nearly fainting at the touch of his warm mouth on mine,
albeit for less than a second.

"I like you, you sweet, beautiful fool!" I said, smiling at him. He looked
at me with amazement. I probably reflected his own wonder- I couldn't
believe this was happening- he actually liked me!

"You're not just, like, saying that to try and make me feel better?" he
said.

I kissed him again, lingering a little longer this time. I then put an arm
around his neck and kissed him properly, pressing my lips to his and
keeping them there, holding him tight and standing us both up straight. I
had to stand on tiptoes and he had to bend his neck, but we stayed locked
together. Plucking up all my courage, I slipped my tongue in between my
lips and lightly brushed his lips. He opened his lips immediately and
sucked my tongue into his mouth, sticking his tongue right into mine. I
thought I was about to pass out- here I was, sharing the mouth of the most
stunning boy in school. We were both really bad at kissing, and we
basically just mashed our tongues together, but to me it felt like the best
kiss the world had ever known. Finally we both began to get the hang of
what we were doing, and began exploring the contours of our partner's mouth
lustily.

A shout from downstairs made us jerk apart quickly.

"Dan! It's dark! Can you play Playstation with Sam and me?" piped the voice
of Peter.

"Yeah, be down in a minute," he said. "Sorry- we can talk when they're in
bed. If you want to stay, that is."

"I'm going nowhere!" I whispered back, and we kissed quickly once more, and
went downstairs.

We played on their PS2 for a while, playing a racing game I hadn't played
before where the basic goal appeared to be to destroy your rivals' cars as
often as possible to stop them winning. I liked it, but while I was a
veteran gamer, I wasn't familiar with the controls or the tracks so usually
finished last. Dan won most of the time, but would tactically throw a
couple of races to keep his brothers happy. Little Peter seemed content at
simply finishing higher than me, the eldest boy there. Eventually, Dan put
the controller down.

"Bathtime, Pete, then bed," he announced.

Peter pouted and moaned for a few seconds, before finally being led up the
stairs by his brother. I played on against Sam, who I finally managed to be
able to compete with, if not actually beat. We chatted as we played. He was
a chatty child, unlike his elder brother, and full of questions, most of
which would be considered a little personal for an older boy to ask, but I
answered them anyway as none of them were inappropriate and I wanted to
ingratiate myself with Dan's family, hoping they wouldn't mind me coming
back again if I did. Peter came down dressed in Spongebob Squarepants
pyjamas to kiss his brother goodnight, and waved goodnight to me. Dan put
him to bed and came back down.

"Five more minutes mate, then your turn in the bath, or the water will be
cold," he said.

"I wanna keep playing with Alex!" Sam protested.

"Then you can have a cold bath and explain to Mum and Dad why you're tired
tomorrow," Dan said. "Anyway, Alex is probably getting bored of this game
now."

"Are you?" he asked me.

"It's good, but I think I'm getting tired of you beating me," I said with a
smile.

"I could let you win," he said, valiantly fighting this losing battle.

"It's no fun if you let me win. Sorry mate- I'll come back another time and
play you again, if Dan lets me," I said.

Sam nodded, apparently admitting defeat. "I don't need you to bath me
though!" he said to his brother.

"No, you don't, you're big enough. Just leave the door ajar so I can hear
if you call me, OK?" Dan said.

"Okaaaay," he said, rolling his eyes. I suppressed a laugh at the little
boy trying to act grown-up.

When he was gone, I turned off the console and television and sat next to
Dan on the couch.

"You remember in the kitchen? Just before Peter came in. What were you
going to say?" I asked.

"Oh, that. It's just... sometimes I just want to scream and shout or
whatever- just to be myself. I can't at school, that got me bullied, I
can't at home cos I've got to be grown up and look after the boys when my
parents aren't here, and if I don't act grown up when they're around, they
give me a hard time about needing me to be responsible. I just... I'm not a
little kid but I'm not a grown up either. Why can't I just be myself?" he
said. He was keeping his voice down, but he was ranting with enough force
for it to seem like he was shouting.

"You don't have to pretend now," I said. "Peter's in bed, Sam will be in a
minute, your parents aren't here and you don't have to be someone you're
not for my sake. What do you want to do?"

He looked stumped. He smiled sheepishly. "I don't know. I guess I've never
had the chance, so I don't know what teenagers are supposed to do. What do
you do?"

"Usual stuff- laze about, read books that people think are rubbish, listen
to films that are supposed to be bad for us, smoke- stuff like that. David
listens to angry music, Mouse shaves his head, Jason plans his tattoos and
Martin... fuck knows what Martin does- probably sleeps," I said. Dan smiled
again. He was gorgeous AND thought my feeble jokes were funny? Was there
nothing wrong with him? "Some people do drugs or drink- but having seen
what that does to my cousin, I wouldn't recommend those. There's sex too,
of course."

Dan blushed to the roots of his eyebrows. He looked different just now- he
usually looked so grown up, so composed, so impassive. Now he looked caught
between frustrated teenage angst and boyish embarrassment. It was good to
know he still could act his own age, that the spirit inside him was still
alive.

"Can we go into the back garden and smoke? I don't have any, and I don't
really like it, but I need to do something!" he said.

"We could do something else- something you might like more," I said, and
before he could speak again I put my hand to the back of his head and
kissed him.

He stiffened at first, then relaxed. His lips quickly parted and his tongue
slipped into my mouth. We kissed for about a minute, when we heard the
gurgle of water emptying down a plughole, telling us Sam was out of the
bath. We tried to look innocent as the middle brother came down in his
boxer shorts to kiss Dan goodnight and to say goodnight to me. As he turned
around, I couldn't help but laugh.

"Er, I think you might have them around the wrong way mate," said Dan.

Sam twisted, trying to look behind him at what was making us laugh, then
turned bright red and swore loudly when he saw the fly of his boxers was at
the back, not the front, and that it was wide open and flashing his
bumcrack to us both. He promptly ran upstairs, our laughter following him.

"You look good when you laugh- you should do it more often," I told Dan. I
kissed him again, hearing the bedroom door shut.

"Alex, what does this mean?" Dan asked when we broke.

"What?" I said.

"Y'know, this- us kissing and stuff. I mean, does this mean I'm gay?" he
said.

"Would that be so bad?" I asked.

"Well... I don't know what my parents would think, but I wouldn't care, if
it meant I could be with you," he said. I smiled and kissed him again for
the sentiment.

"Don't worry about labels. Be who you are, be with who you want to be, do
what feels right, and be happy. Nothing else matters. What do you want?" I
asked.

"You. I want... I want to be with you all the time. I want to kiss you, to
cuddle you. To touch you... other than that, I'm not sure," he said.

"I am. I want all those things too. I know I only like boys, and you're the
one I want to be with. You do what makes you happy- I'll wait for you as
long as I've got a chance," I said.

I can hear the groans of derision right now- yes, I was a doormat. I
thought you'd guessed that by now? I volunteered to come in early and show
a strange kid around the school where no one liked me when you first met
me, and you're only NOW realising I have an unhealthy lack of
self-interest? In seriousness, I had spent so much of my life having to be
spontaneous in caring for myself, learning to live life without any real
affection, that I would put up with pretty much anything for a bit of
attention from another. If that affection was coming from someone I thought
was pretty much the best thing to grace the earth, there was pretty much
nothing I wouldn't put up with to keep it.

"What do you mean, wait?" he said. "We can be together as friends at
school, you can come over anytime and we can be together, anytime we're
alone we can kiss and stuff- what do you mean wait?"

I rolled my eyes. I suspected he was being deliberately naive. Someone
with as an extensive collection of written erotica and who wrote the story
I read knew about the birds and the bees- or in our case, the bees and the
bees.

"Well Dan, you see, when two boys love each other very much..." I began,
adopting the patronising tone of a teacher telling a smaller child the
'facts of life'. He laughed. "Seriously Dan, at some point in my life I do
want to have sex. Obviously it's most likely to be with someone blind,
desperate, drunk and possibly comatose..." He laughed again, and hugged
me. I felt my cock stand to attention as if barked at by a sergeant
major. "You know what I was talking about- I read that story, remember? I
know you think about sex. I do too. I think I want to do stuff like that
with you. I'll wait until you're ready."

He looked at me thoughtfully. "What if I was ready for some things now?" he
said.

"Like what?" I said, my prick getting even harder and my heart shifting
from sixth gear to a seventh I didn't even know it had.

He smiled naughtily. He kissed me again, lingering. We stayed kissing for a
while, running our hands over each others' chest and back through our
clothes. I slipped my hands under his shirt and began rubbing his back,
pulling him harder into me. He grasped my waist and pulled me onto his
lap. I was straddling his thighs, and I pulled myself hard against him. One
of his hands slipped up under my shirt and began fondling my right
nipple. I moaned into his mouth, and moved one of the hands stroking his
back to his chest to reciprocate the pectoral pleasure. I felt his other
hand stroking my thin belly, stroking down towards my trousers. I felt him
undo my belt. I didn't stop him. I felt him clasp my erect penis through my
trousers. I moaned, and had to break our kiss as my back arched of its own
accord. He began stroking me up and down.

"Is this OK?" he breathed.

"Yeah," I gasped, not able to articulate how much better than that it
actually was.

He continued groping me through my trousers before getting frustrated and
unzipping my flies, slipping a hand in to grasp my hardness through my
briefs. I slipped my own hand down to his crotch and found his hard
maleness standing proudly beneath his clothes. Feeling his much bigger
organ, I panicked. Suddenly, I stopped, and got up.

"I'm sorry!" I said.

"What?" he said, looking hurt. "What did I do?"

"Nothing," I said. "You... you were great... I... I just..."

"What? What Alex? Tell me, please."

I turned away from him. I could feel tears welling up, and didn't want him
to see me cry.

"Alex, please, what have I done?" I felt him clasp my shoulders as I began
to weep. He kissed my cheek from behind, pulling me tight to his hot,
bigger body. "Please, I've hurt you- I'm sorry. Please tell me what's
wrong."

I looked at him. "Hurt me? You couldn't hurt me, I like you too much for
that... it's just..." The words just wouldn't come out.

He turned me round gently, and lifted my face with a finger under my
chin. I saw his noble, handsome face looking down at me with concern
written all over it, so much expression from his normally composed
features. "Please tell me," he said.

"I...I'm embarrassed," I spluttered.

"Why? What could you possibly be embarrassed about? I'm the one who's made
an idiot of himself all night."

"It's... Dan, look at you, then look at me. You're tall, you're fit, you're
handsome, you've..." I said, stopping myself before the ultimate
self-loathing came out. "I'm short, skinny and ugly. Why would you want to
be with me? To... you know... do stuff..."

"You're not ugly! I like the way you look!" he said, taking my glasses off
and wiping away my tears. He kissed my cheeks and eyes. "So you're not as
tall as me, so what? And I like your body. I've wanted to see it in the
showers for months!"

He had been doing so well. I had begun to feel good hearing him say nice
things about me, but the last line had destroyed the confidence.

"But... you've... I mean, I've..." I said. I took a deep breath. "You've
got a much bigger dick than me, OK?"

"So?" he said. "If it's yours, I'll love it. And it'll make some things
easier. Alex, I don't care if you have a tiny little gnat's cock- and from
what I could feel, you don't. I like you just as you are. Come here, you
dear, sweet fool!" he said, and pulled me tight. He lifted me off my feet,
and held me in his arms like a groom carries a bride. He kissed me hard,
and staggered back to the couch. He sat me down. "Do you trust me?"

I nodded. I was nervous as hell, and wasn't sure I trusted myself, but I
trusted him. He kissed me again, running his hands over my torso. He
unbuttoned my shirt while kissing me, and ran his hands over my bare
flesh. I just clasped his shoulders, never wanting to let him go. I hoped
he meant what he said. I was not proud of my body, my genitals
particularly, but he was worth the risk. "Fuck my insecurities, life's for
living!" I thought, and really got into the kiss. His hands on my flesh
were the most soothing thing I'd ever felt, and I rapidly felt my
self-loathing drift away as pure lust and pleasure took over. I was hard as
a rock again quickly. He began kissing down my neck, stopping by my ear to
stick his tongue in and blow into it. I giggled as he did so, then quickly
began sighing softly in pleasure as he kissed down my neck. He stopped of
at my nipples, giving each one a quick lick and suck, as he moved down my
skinny chest. He flicked his tongue around and across my outie belly button
as he crossed my stomach. While he caressed the skin of my belly with his
mouth, his hands undid my flies. I could guess what was coming next. If
only he could avoid laughing, this would be perfect. He pulled my rock hard
cock from my briefs, and looked at it for the first time.

"Wow," he said, looking at my face and smiling. "It's gorgeous!" He licked
his lips, and turned his attention back to my groin.

He began exploring my privates. Just the hint of the warmth of his hand on
the area had me moaning, as my most precious organs were touched for the
first time by any hand but my own. My cock was only about four and a half
inches long, and not quite an inch thick. Seeing his handsome face inches
away from it, and remembering his impressive member as I saw it as he went
to shower nearly made me lose my erection and stop him, but at that moment
he looked up at me and smiled the filthiest smile I had ever seen in my
life, and all of a sudden I forget the shame about my own body. He fondled
my mini-egg-sized testicles in their nearly hairless sack with one hand,
and ran his other hand through my pubes. He tickled up my shaft with his
fingertips, making me arch my back again and moan. I felt my cock grow even
harder. My foreskin hadn't retracted of it's own accord, not even parting
at the tip, and Dan ran one finger round the lip of my prepuce, making my
dick jump. He grasped my hood in two fingers and a thumb of his trembling
hand, and slowly rolled it back, exposing my purple helmet. I stiffened and
clenched my teeth to stop from crying out. He slowly stroked my hood up and
down a few times, and I thought I was going to die from the pleasure that
seemed to consume my whole being. I looked at him. I had never seen his
face so relaxed, despite the tremble in his fingers, and I caressed his
cheek. He looked at me and smiled the most amazing smile in the world, just
the hint of white teeth flashing from behind his lips. He stopped stroking
me, and his smile disappeared as he opened his mouth. No, he wasn't going
to...

My mind went blank and the universe disappeared. All I could see was bright
light as I screwed my eyes shut and clenched my teeth. I finally realised
what made me feel so good- there was an incredible warmth around my dick, a
moistness that seemed like heaven objectified. I gasped and snapped my eyes
open, looking down, as I felt something rub over my exposed helmet. I
seemed to have tunnel vision- all I could see was Dan's luminescent face,
his lips wrapped tightly around my shaft, his eyes fixed on mine. He began
to slide his mouth up and down, licking my shaft, around my helmet, across
my glans and flicking my piss slit. I could feel him sucking hard. One of
his hands was stroking my thigh, gently and trembling. The other was
cradling and fondling my scrotum. I stroked his cheek again, running my
other hand through his lustrous brown hair.

"Oh, God, Dan, that's incredible," I said.

He dived down to the base of my cock, sucking hard and flicked his tongue
out through his lips to flick my scrotum, before beginning to go up and
down, his head bobbing and his tongue moving around my penis faster than I
could keep track of. I felt myself rising towards ecstasy, and tried to
stave it off. To no avail- I felt the pressure build to the point of no
return.

"Dan, I'm gonna cum any second..." I said.

He dived down once again before pulling back to leave only my glans in his
mouth. He pistoned his head rapidly up and down, flicking my helmet with
his tongue, wanking the exposed shaft as fast as he could. I came almost
instantly, and felt my timid load spit onto his lapping tongue. I'm sure it
wasn't much, but he took all that I could offer. He let my softening prick
slip from his lips, sucking to catch the last traces of my semen. He tilted
his head, as if thinking, then swallowed.

"Not bad, that stuff," he said, grinning broadly at me.

I pulled him up to me, and kissed him. It was almost like I was trying to
climb down his throat. I wanted to be part of him at that moment. That had
been the most amazing moment of my life, and I wanted to make it linger as
long as was possible. I felt him withdraw slightly, and I broke the kiss.

"My favourite dick ever," he said. "Perfect sucking size. You're not too
small, you're not ugly, you haven't got a small dick- Alex you're gorgeous,
understand?" I nodded. "Say it!"

"I'm not too small, I'm not..." I began. "This is silly- I don't believe
it."

"You should- say it. For me. Please."

I sighed. "I'm not too small, I'm not ugly, I haven't got a small dick- I'm
gorgeous. Not as big, gorgeous and well-endowed as you, though."

"That's nice, but I'm gonna make you say that every day till you believe
it. Because it's true. And you'll do it properly, not add that bit at the
end," he said, smiling kindly. He caressed my cheek.

I rubbed his crotch, finding him hard as a rock. I unzipped his flies and
slid my hands into his underwear, beginning to pull it out and slide
down. He gently stopped me, sliding me back up the couch, and did up his
trousers.

"No, we haven't got time. Mum and Dad could be back any second," he said.

"But that's not fair- you did me, I do you," I said.

"No, it mustn't work like that," he said, shaking his head. "You'll feel
like I only did it so you'd do me- this isn't quid quo pro or whatever that
phrase is. I did that cos I really like you and I wanted to do that- and
cos your cock made my mouth water. Not because I wanted anything back."

"Quid pro quo, I think," I gently corrected him. "What if I want to do you
too?"

"Then we'd better find some time soon to be alone together- no parents, no
little brothers or sisters, just us. Do you want to stay the night? It's
late, I'm sure my folks wouldn't mind," he said.

"Would you be with me?" I asked.

"They'd probably put you in my sister's room. I'd be in with Peter and
Sam," he said.

"Thanks then, but I should go- my aunt probably won't notice I'm gone, but
on the off chance she does and cares, I should go back," I said
regretfully. That wasn't the whole story, of course- basically I didn't
think I could sleep knowing he was so near but just out of reach.

"She's not there a lot?" he asked, looking concerned.

"Can we talk about that another time? It's a bit involved," I said. He
nodded, perhaps sensing how little I wanted to discuss it.

We got back into some semblance of dress. Dan fetched my shoes, socks and
tie from his room, tiptoeing so he wouldn't wake his brothers. We kissed
briefly before finally I forced myself to go. When I got home, Aunt Jill
was actually in.

"Where have you been, I've been worried sick?" she said.

That would be a first. Out loud, I said:

"At a friends. Homework. He lives round the corner."

"That's nice, dear. You've made some friends then, have you?" she asked.

"Yeah, Aunt Jill, I told you about them when I started hanging around with
them- weeks ago, remember?" I said, exasperated.

"Oh, yes of course dear, silly me. Now it's late, why don't you run off to
bed?"

I lay on my bed, smoking a pilfered cigarette. Aunt Jill's bag had been
open on the table next to the stairs, with two packets of the illicit
objects lying on the top. It was just too easy to steal them- not that she
cared enough to stop me. She even emptied my ashtrays, the dozy mare. That
wasn't what I thought of though. I stared at the ceiling, smoking and
grinning like a simpleton. All I could see was Dan's face, and all I could
feel was his lips against mine, his hands running over my body, his hot
mouth wrapped around my penis, all I could hear was his kind words. I fell
asleep still fully clothed, Dan's voice echoing through my brain-

"Alex, you're gorgeous"




Chapter 9- David

"I've felt darkness closing in on me, chilling shadows surrounding me. I've
had the poison leak into my skin and it corroded my heart away. Bled away,
cut away. Dark night of my soul." -BCB



I awoke to the sound of soft breathing in my ear. I turned my head to see
Ben's beautiful face, serene in slumber, right next to my head. He had
fallen asleep almost immediately after I swallowed his cum the night
before, and I had simply held is totally relaxed body gently as I drifted
off myself. In the night, I must have rolled onto my back, waking him, as
he had moved to drape an arm across my chest and rest his knee on my
thigh. This left his face only millimetres from mine. Not as close as I'd
like, but being just this close to him made my heart glow. I smiled, and
softly kissed his forehead, not wanting to wake him yet. Something
flickered in the corner of my eye- something was flashing past the
window. I gently disengaged from Ben and peered out through the window. It
was snowing.

Now, for those of you who don't know, the south of England is possibly the
worst place in the world at coping with weather variation. A gust of wind
at the wrong time of year can cripple the trains due to 'leaves on the
line'. An inch of snow can shut down the entire region. Looking outside, it
looked like at least two had fallen overnight. I cursed under my breath- it
rarely snowed when I had lived in London, and even then almost never
settled. I hated snow- I've never seen the fun in it. It's cold, wet, and
worst of all stops you playing rugby. The key question was- would this shut
down school? (And yes, we are so bad at coping with snow in this country
that two inches of snow can close schools).

I heard Ben stir. He moved up behind me and hugged me from behind, pressing
his naked body against mine. I could feel his morning wood pressing against
my arse crack, and forgot the snow almost instantly.

"What are you looking at?" he asked.

"It's snowing," I said. "Snowing in bloody February."

"Cool!" he exclaimed. "Think they'll cancel school?"

"I was wondering the same thing. Maybe," I said. His hands clasped together
halfway between my nipples and my navel. I held his hands in one of mine
and stroked his arm with the other. "Love you."

"Love you too," he said, kissing my shoulder.

I felt my own arousal peaking, my cock standing straight up. To ruin the
mood, there was a knock at the door. Ben nearly flew back to his own bed,
and I threw his boxers across the room at him.

"Boys, you awake?" Stephanie called through the door. I grunted an
affirmative. "Don't bother getting up- the school rang. They can't open
today- too many teachers can't make it. Anna's got to go in though. We're
leaving now to make sure we get there and to work on time. Have a good
day."

We both called "bye". Outside we faintly heard the car stutter in to life,
protesting at being made to work in the cold. I looked over at Ben,
grinning. He grinned back. He pulled back his bedclothes, showing he hadn't
lost his erection. The sight of his perfect, pale body reclining on his
side, one leg crooked, his hand on his hip, his crotch pushed out showing
me his rampant erection and a saucy smile on his beautiful face drove me
wild with desire, and I nearly sprinted across the room.

I jumped onto the bed, covering his body with mine, supporting my weight on
my knees either side of his thighs so I wouldn't crush him. I dived onto
his mouth with my own, pressing my tongue into his mouth and licking around
his teeth. He caressed my tongue with his own before exploring my mouth. I
ran my hands over his chest and flanks, flicking a nipple whenever I came
in contact with one. His hands roamed over my back, sometimes stopping to
grip me tightly, even digging his nails into my back slightly. The hint of
pain felt so erotic, and I moaned every time he did so. I wanted him so
much. I began to kiss down his neck, licking and sucking his chest paying
special attention to his pert nipples. He moaned and stiffened under me. I
continued down his flat, beautiful belly, running my tongue around the
beginnings of muscle definition that had started to come through. I kissed
down his pale pubis, stroking his solitary pubic hair with my fingertips. I
skirted around his genitals, licking his groin crease, getting as close as
I could to his balls without actually touching them. He sighed and pawed at
my head, obviously wanting me to get to the main event. I resisted, and
kissed, nibbled and licked up and down the soft, silky skin of his pale
inner thighs, delighting as he wrapped his shins around my body to try and
draw me up to the centre of his pleasure.

Finally I gave in, and I began licking and caressing his scrotum. I sucked
each wonderful orb into my mouth individually to give them a thorough
tongue bath before taking his whole sac and both balls into my mouth and
rolling them around with my tongue. I let them fall from my mouth, and
began working my mouth down, nuzzling and licking his perineum, tonguing
the bottom of his crack. He knew what I wanted to do, and wanted it too. He
lifted his knees to his chest, his buttocks parting, and allowing me to
dive tongue first into his arse hole. I licked and probed his rosebud
before slipping my whole tongue in, flicking his prostate, before sliding
my tongue in and out as fast as I could, thoroughly tongue fucking him. His
moans were becoming more insistent, and I returned to his cock with my
mouth, taking the whole, circumcised beauty into my mouth and licking
around his helmet. I slid my middle finger into his hole and began stroking
his magic button, making him writhe and groan in ecstasy. After a few
minutes he grabbed my face and pulled me off his cock.

"Put it in me," he said. "I wanna cum with you inside me."

I nodded. His pucker was open from my oral ministrations, and slick with my
spit. I used some of the precum my dick was leaking to lubricate my shaft,
and lined my glans up with his opening. I slowly rocked my hips forward,
sliding easily into his hot, gripping tunnel. This no longer caused him any
pain, and he cried out in pleasure as I started sliding up him, my dickhead
pressing his prostate. Soon I was all the way inside him, and I began
sliding my cock back and forth quickly, needing release. I could tell Ben
wasn't far away, and pleasuring his body always had me right on the edge. I
wanted this to last as long as it could though- we usually only had time
for this once a week, and the opportunity to do it twice was worth
savouring. I slowed down, using gentle, loving thrusts that took me right
up to the hilt before sliding back leaving only my glans still gripped by
his love tunnel. Every time I thrust forward, I would press Ben's magic
button hard, and he would groan loudly. One time I did this, his hands,
which had been stroking my chest, slid up to my shoulders, gripping
tight. He pulled himself up and hugged me tight to him, wanting to be as
close to me as he could. I felt myself reaching the point of no return, and
speeded up my thrusts again, fucking him hard, pounding my pelvis against
his arse, my balls slapping his tail bone. I could feel his hot tunnel
sliding across my prick, and it was simply ecstatic. I masturbated him fast
and hard, and he threw his head back and moaned his loudest. I felt his
load spray onto my hand and stomach, but wasn't really aware of it as his
hot, velvety arse began gripping my throbbing cock like a vice. I thrust
twice more and roared with pleasure as I coated the walls of his rectum in
my cum.

I collapsed to the bed on top of him, exhausted and totally satisfied. I
quickly found his mouth and began invading it with my tongue. He lay limply
at first, too overcome to move, but rapidly began returning the kiss. Our
passion dissipated quickly, and our kiss became gentle, tender- loving.

"That was the best yet," he said. "Even when you went really hard it barely
hurt at all, and it felt so good. I love you David."

"I love you too, wonderful Ben," I said. "That was so good- you're the best
lover I could ever imagine. You've got such a great body, and you're such a
great boy too. What did I do to deserve you?"

"You've had it rough- the world owes you one!" he said, winking at me.

I smiled. We lay together, cuddled together, occasionally kissing and
talking softly. Sometime we whispered cheesy sweet nothings into each
other's ear, which I will spare you. Otherwise we talked about what to do
with our day off. While I was all for just laying in bed with Ben, my
stomach was disagreeing. There was also a nagging curiosity- what happened
at Daniel's house last night? Had Alex finally, after weeks of doe-eyed
stares and drooling, plucked up the courage to properly talk to the object
of his affection? I had to know. Ben was also getting a bit bored, and we
realised the room was a little cold. We got up, exercised and showered. The
shower was long and leisurely, and we kissed and washed each
other. Naturally, when I bent down to wash Ben's legs, I found his
magnificent erection in my face, and it would have been rude not to clean
that properly. With my mouth. No sooner had I sucked it in than he gripped
my head and began fucking my face harder than he ever had. He had never
been so spontaneously aggressive during sex, and it made me hornier than
ever. I didn't mind that it made me gag a little, or that it made me feel a
little dirty- it added spice to the act, and I loved it. His delicious
cream landed in my mouth and I savoured it long and hard before finally
swallowing. Naturally, he returned the favour, but I was gentle with
him. When he realised I wasn't going to fuck his face off, he grabbed my
hips and drove his head back and forward as fast as he could, so the
feelings around my dick were just as strong, and bare minutes passed before
I fed him my semen. He swallowed, smacking his lips and sighing a satisfied
sigh.

I had taken Ben to the barbers when I got back from Steve's, and, after
much discussion between Ben and the barber, we had decided to make his hair
short at the back and sides and leave it longer on top and spike it up. Ben
looked immediately more rebellious- more the adolescent, less the boy. He
was delighted, and it made me dizzy every time I looked at him. It was the
missing piece of his image. Stephanie sighed when she saw it, saying at
least it wasn't bright red or shaved, and she supposed it was
inevitable. John jokingly grunted about "in his day" and "sensible
haircuts- like David's" before smiling and winking at Ben and saying he
liked it. Ben still needed a little help with getting it right first thing
in the mornings, but liked it a great deal. He had given me a big kiss
every time he styled it in the morning, thanking me again. This time was no
exception.

Ben booted up his computer, off to butcher Nazis in 'Call of Duty' I
supposed. I switched my phone on and, going outside for a sneaky smoke,
called Alex.

"Hi mate, what's up?" he said when he answered.

"Not much. Good not to have school isn't it?" I said.

"I guess," he said, not sounding convinced.

"You doing anything today?" I asked.

"No, why?" he said. Alex was pretty monosyllabic on the phone- he just
didn't seem able to work out how to talk on one.

"Wondered if you wanna come round. Don't want you getting lonely," I said.

"Thanks David, that'd be nice. I just need to make a quick phone call
first. I'll send you a text if I'm coming, or I'll phone you if I can't,
OK?" he said, and promptly hung up. Strange boy, sometimes.

I told Ben he might be coming. I had checked it was OK with Ben first
before asking this time- he had been fine with it. While I think we both
considered just spending the whole day shagging, we realised there were
other things in life. Nothing as special of course, but other things that
were good too.

My phone beeped at me. Alex was indeed coming around- in about half an
hour. I wondered who he had called- certainly not his aunt, who wouldn't
care where he was. Daniel maybe? I hoped so, for Alex's sake. I would find
out when he arrived, I supposed.

I made Ben and me some bacon and eggs for breakfast- am I the only one who
finds awesome sex gives them an appetite? Anyway, just as we finished
eating and clearing up, the doorbell rang. It was Alex.

"Hi mate, come in, it looks bloody freezing out," I said and ushered my
friend inside. He was wearing jeans and a shirt with only a thin jacket
over the top. I was surprised he was still alive.

"Not that bad," he said.

There was a funny expression on his face- something I'd not seen before. I
could be wrong, but I think it may have been contentment. Alex usually let
positive emotions shine from his face even when he didn't feel them- kind
of a self-defence, trying to convince himself he was happy even when he
wasn't. Around me, he let his emotions play more true, but this one was
new. Ah, I think I just figured it out. I'm like Bumble- I take my sweet
time, but I get there in the end.

"Hi Alex," said Ben, passing us in the hall on the way back to kill
computer generated Germans.

"Hi Ben," said Alex, smiling stupidly at him. Oh, I had to be right- that
expression could only mean one thing.

When Ben was back in our room and I could hear the roar of gunfire from his
speakers, I grinned and said:

"You got some last night didn't you?"

Alex blushed furiously, frowning and avoiding my eyes. "No!" he said, too
quickly and too forcefully.

"Methinks the gentleman doth protest too much," I quipped. "Come on mate,
let's go for a smoke and you can tell me all about it." I grabbed his elbow
and pretty much dragged him into the garden. "So what happened yesterday?"

Alex couldn't keep the broadest grin I had seen in my life from his face,
pretty much giving me my answer. "Not much," he said. "I met his parents
and his brothers, we messed about online, played Playstation for a
bit. Usual stuff."

"And?" I said. I was exuding calmness and feigning only moderate interest,
knowing the keener I was to hear, the slower he would tell me.

"Well," he said. He paused and took a pull on his fag. He exhaled a mixture
of smoke and mist in the cold air. "Do you know Nifty?"

"Yeah, it's a website of... what's the phrase," I said, racking my
brain. "I think they call it 'erotic literature'- stories with sex in
them. Lots of it gay sex."

"That's the one. Well, I went into his internet history..." he began.

"You went into his history?" I interrupted, open-mouthed. "Alex, that's a
big no-no- what the fuck were you thinking, mate?"

"I was looking up this website we'd just been on- I wasn't nosing. Well,
not at first. I saw Nifty in his history, and just wanted to see which
section he read. Just to know if he was gay."

"Alex, seriously, don't ever do that to anyone in future- anyone less nice
than Daniel would have kicked your arse out the door. It's up there with
reading someone's diary," I said. Alex nodded contritely, and looked
genuinely guilty. I suddenly felt sorry for having a go at him. "Well- was
he?"

Alex's grin returned to his face, more dazzling than the weak sunlight
hitting the snow around us. "Yeah," he said. "Anyhow, he chose that
particular second to come back into the room. He wasn't happy."

"No shit Sherlock!"

"Do you wanna hear this or not? Then shut the fuck up!" he said, grinning
to let me know he wasn't actually angry at me. "So he thinks I'll want to
go. So I remind him I'm well and truly out of the closet, and he needn't
worry. So he says something like 'you didn't see it', so I ask what. He
then shows me this story he got posted on the website. It was basically
about this boy who's Dan in some alternate reality or something, fancies
this small, geeky boy he knows is gay, and is really confused about what he
feels about him. He slowly realises he might be gay- partially thanks to
the internet, naturally- and tries to kiss this boy he fancies, only for
him to reject him and go off with this rugger bugger they're both friends
with. This basically told me Dan's realised he's gay, fancied me but
thought you and me were an item or something. So I put him straight on
that- the poor dear was nearly in tears- tears over me!- and kissed him. I
wasn't thinking properly, but it worked. He kissed me back. We were about
to have this whole 'deep-and-meaningful', only his little brothers called
him. So we played with them for a bit, then had a proper talk when they
went to bed."

"And?" I asked, as Alex paused for breath and nicotine.

"And... well, he's not sure what it all means- he's not sure if he's gay,
but he likes me- he actually likes me, David! Anyway, we..." Alex blushed
dark crimson. "Well, we made out and stuff. I made a total twat of myself
at one point, but Dan calmed me down. We're gonna try and see each other
alone at some point and work stuff out- see where we're going. David, no
one knows any of this stuff- please don't tell anyone. Not even Ben. Dan's
a bit confused and I don't think a big outing would be really bad for
him. He's... well, he's still a bit fucked up at the moment to be
honest. He's... oh God, I can't believe I'm saying this- he's trying to
'find himself', if that makes sense and doesn't sound like a terrible line
from 'Neighbours' or some other crappy soap."

"No, it doesn't- well maybe just a bit. What do you mean," I said. "And
since when was he 'Dan', not 'Daniel'?"

"Last night. He said no one's ever been close enough to him- except his
family, who don't count really- to shorten it," he said. "Don't use it till
I do at school, OK? Anyway, basically he's got massive expectations about
being all grown up from his parents, but he wants to be like everyone else-
arse about, do stupid things, have fun. He just doesn't know what those
things are, he feels so isolated. He wants to work out if he's gay or just
likes me, and he wants to stop being what people expect him to be. Make
sense?"

"Yeah, I guess it does. I never realised all that stuff," I said. We paused
in thought for a second. Or, at least, I thought, Alex looked into space
and grinned at something private. "Wait a sec- he actually wrote a story
about you? Dude, he must really like you! That's more than just a crush- he
really likes you a lot!"

"Yeah, I think he was trying to tell me that last night," he said. "Not
sure I got it at the time, but I'll make it up to him. Anyway, we'll sort
ourselves out. So how are you? How are 'youandBen'?"

I grinned, probably as brainlessly as he had earlier. "We're awesome! I
never knew it could be like this, mate," I said.

An eyebrow shot up from behind the frame of his glasses. "What do you mean,
'it'?"

I felt my cheeks grow warm despite the cold. "Y'know, being with
someone. All the time. Spending time with them, feeling so close to them. I
went with him for to the barbers the other day- he wanted a new style. It
felt so good to do that for him. He's still thanking me. He makes me
feel... I dunno, really. I can't describe it. But it's good. And the other
stuff... it always looked and sounded really good, but man, it's so much
better than I imagined."

"Have you gone, like, all the way?" he asked.

I was tempted to tell him to fuck off and mind his own business, but
somehow I wanted him to know. "Just between you and me? Just us, you can't
tell anyone, right?" I asked. He nodded. "He took my virginity, then I took
his."

His jaw dropped. "Really? Like, full sex... in the bum?" I nodded. "And,
like, did it hurt?"

"A bit at first- I'd been using stuff on me for ages, so I was a bit
loosened, and I'd been..." I swallowed, plucking up my courage. I wanted to
talk to him about this, but it was a bit personal still. "I'd rimmed him
and fingered him for a while before we did it. But yeah, it hurt a bit at
first. I guess it hurt Ben more, but I was gentle at first, and then we
both really got into it and OH...MY...GOD it was good!"

"Wow," he said. "What was rimming him like? Did it, like, taste nasty?"

"No, he was clean, and I knew it. He tasted so good! My tongue began to
ache after a while, but I loved doing it. Ben went apeshit, he loved it!
It... it feels like you're saying 'I love you', we both think," I said.

"Wow," he repeated. "Can I tell you something? Just us two, like just now."
I nodded. "Dan... he sucked me last night."

"Shit, that was fast!" I said. "Was it good?"

His face nearly cracked with enthusiasm, and he nodded so hard I thought
he'd get whiplash. "Oh yeah!"

"Did you do him?" I asked.

"No, he wouldn't let me," he said.

"What? He didn't want someone giving him a blowjob? Is he, like, OK? Down
there and in the head?"

Alex laughed. "Oh yeah, he's fine! Trust me! No, it's me that's messed up."

"What d'you mean?"

Alex sighed. "Repeat this and I'll kill you. Slowly." He took a deep
breath. "I... I thought I wasn't good enough for him... that I'm too ugly
and..." He swallowed. When he spoke again, he almost whispered. "I thought
my dick was too small."

"Oh, Alex, don't beat yourself up- you're not ugly! And I'm sure 'it' is
fine!"

"Yeah, that's what he said. That was how I made fool of myself. I stopped
when we started... getting heavier. I cried a bit. Then he persuaded me he
didn't think about me like I do, he thinks I'm good-looking and stuff, and
sucked me to prove it. He wouldn't let me do him, as he thought that would
make me think he only did it to get me to do him. If that makes sense."

I felt a lump in my throat. "Oh, Alex, that's so sweet. Treat him right-
this guy's special, and he must really like you."

"I plan to. Anyway, how's you? Other stuff, I mean," he said.

"Oh, that stuff. I'm OK. It still hurts everyday, I still miss my parents
every minute of the day- except when Ben's holding me. Then I still think
of them, but it's not quite so bad. I'm coping. I'm not nearly as unstable
as I was. I still cry about it sometimes. Tell anyone that and you'll die
too- slower than you'd kill me." He smiled and nodded. "How about you?" I
said. "How's home?"

"Gash," he said. "Wank. Terrible, useless, bloody awful. Not bad for my
standards."

He said it so cheerfully, I had to check he wasn't joking. No, he was
serious. I hugged him quickly.

"Any time you want company, call me, you're welcome here as long as I
am. And Ben likes you too." Alex nodded, blinking away tears. "Who were you
phoning before you came?"

"Oh, I wanted to see if Dan was free. He's got to stay at home till his
parents get back from work, but he's coming over to mine later- where we
can be alone," he said, a filthy glint in his eye. I laughed. We suddenly
realised how cold it was, and went back inside. Ben was just walking into
the room as we came in.

"Are you OK? You've been out there ages? What were you doing?" he said, a
look of concern on his face.

"Oh, not much- smoking and talking," said Alex. Oh Christ, why did I let
him talk? That had done it.

"You were smoking?" he said. He looked at me. "You smoke?"

Alex looked at me too, a look of incredulity on his face. "Yeah," I said,
shrugging, like it was no big deal.

"And you never told me?" Ben said. He looked royally pissed off.

"You never told him? You've been living here all this time and he didn't
know?" said Alex. Did he only open his mouth to change feet, for crying out
loud?

"Thanks Alex, that's really helpful," I said. To Ben, I said: "I guess I
just never got around to it."

"Really? Or did you just think I was too much of a little kid to know? Or
did you think I'd want to try it, and you don't want me to, that I'm not
grown up enough to make my own mind up? Now I know why you keep
disappearing with Dad after dinner and all those other times," he said. He
looked really upset.

"No, that's not it at all! Ben, please listen to me," I said.

"No! That's exactly how it is! You don't mind treating me all grown up when
you want to screw me, but as soon as it comes to anything else, I'm just an
annoying brat- wasn't that what you said you thought I'd be when you came?"
he shouted. There were tears in his eyes. "You were just trying to get your
leg over till you could get someone your own age- someone like Alex. You
bastard, I wish you'd never come here! I hate you!" he screamed, and ran
upstairs with tears streaming down his face.

"Ben, wait. Ben!" I shouted. I heard our bedroom door slam shut.

"Shit mate, I'm sorry, I've really screwed things up," said Alex. "Want me
to try and talk to him- persuade him we're just friends?"

"Thanks, you've done enough damage for now," I snapped, regretting it
before I'd even finished saying it. "I'm sorry mate, that wasn't fair. This
was a fuck up waiting to happen. It's not your fault. I'd better talk to
him myself. Look mate, can I be really rude and, like, politely throw you
out? I think we need some 'us' time. Good luck with Dan later- you deserve
it."

"Sure, no problem- and thanks. You're a real friend. I hope you sort things
out," he said, and quietly left. I hoped I did too.

I have to admit I was more than a little pissed off- not at Alex, but at
Ben. Yes, I had kept something from him and that had hurt him and his
perceptive nature had drawn some accurate conclusions from my secrecy, but
he had also drawn some wildly inaccurate conclusions that had bugger all to
do with the way I'd behaved and more to do with his insecurities. A fairly
small thing had become something major. I suppose half the problem was the
age gap- I was bigger and more mature physically, which, combined with his
own insecurities about himself that all adolescents feel, made him wonder
what I saw in him. He was also insecure over my friendship with the openly
gay Alex, who he saw as some kind of threat. I could understand all that,
and I felt guilty both for keeping secrets and making him feel that way,
but I was still annoyed that he had overreacted so badly. I couldn't think
that way though- the only way to fix this was reassurance, honesty and
abject contrition.

Ben had locked the door, and I saw he'd torn the sign off the door- the
sign that had made me so happy when I first arrived, the one that said
'David and Ben's room- Keep Out'. I knocked right where it had been stuck.

"Ben? Can I come in?" I said through the door.

"FUCK OFF!" came back.

"Please Ben, I need to explain. Please Ben- let me in. I love you."

"No you don't! I hate you!" he screamed, obviously through tears.

"Ben, let me in! I do love you, and I want to make things right. Let me
in."

"No!" came back.

"Ben, I'm not gonna let this ruin what we've got! Let me in or I'll break
the door in. You know I can!" I said.

"Go ahead and try!" he shouted.

"If you say so," I said. I knew where the lock was, and I had seen enough
cop shows on TV to know how to kick a door in. I kicked hard right next to
the lock, and heard a crack.

"Wait, I'll unlock it," said Ben, realising I wasn't joking. He opened the
door, and I saw him there, his previously perfectly sculpted hair crooked,
his eyes red and puffy and tears staining his cheeks. My annoyance
evaporated- how could I have done this to him?

"Ben, I'm so sorry," I said, moving to hug him. He shied away, obviously
not wanting to be touched. I held my hands up, acknowledging, and backed
off. "I should have told you when I first moved in. At first I didn't know
you, and thought you might tell your mum. Then when I knew you better, I
didn't tell you for three reasons. First, I didn't know how to break it to
you when I hadn't told you at first. I was worried you might take it the
wrong way. I shouldn't have let it go on this long, and I'm sorry- I've
made it worse by leaving it. I'm so sorry. Second, I thought you might
think less of me for it- I couldn't bear the thought of you thinking badly
of me. I won't apologise for feeling that way- I love you and what you
think matters more to me than anything- but I should have trusted you- for
that I am sorry. Third, in a way you were right- I don't want you
smoking. Not because I think you're a little kid, not because I don't want
you making your own decisions- have I ever tried making decisions for you?
About anything? Didn't I try and stop things only for you to say 'I want
to, it's my choice'?" He thought for a second, and nodded, looking at the
ground, still crying. "I didn't want you smoking because it's bad for you,
and I can't bear the thought of anything happening to you, and because your
dad said if he caught you he'd tan your arse- his exact words- and blame
me. I won't apologise for that reason because I stand by it- I care for you
too much not to. But I am so, so sorry for the whole thing. I have never,
ever tried to... to get you into bed, to screw, to use you or anything like
that, and I certainly didn't just try and 'get my leg over' as some
perverse stop-gap till I could find someone older. I love you Ben- I want
you, just you. I wouldn't have given my virginity to anyone else. I've only
got one to give."

"Yeah, if you were telling the truth. You've probably been fucking around
for ages and just wanted some way to convince me to do what you wanted," he
spat at me through the tears.

The bite of his words hurt more than anything since the accident. I felt
tears spring to my eyes, and begin to roll down my cheeks.

"How can you say that? That hurts Ben, that really hurts!" The tears were
rolling openly down my cheeks and I felt my breath come in shudders. It
became difficult to talk. "I told you I'd fooled around with a guy for a
bit years ago, but that was nothing- that was just a bit of wanking. He
sucked me off once and I did him three times. I never felt anything for
him. I told you all that. I've never done anything like what we have. I
really love you Ben. I'd do anything for you."

"Would you leave?" he said.

I was shocked I didn't really know what to say. "You want me to go?"

"It's not to late- you're still here as a trial period. You could leave."

"You... you don't want me here anymore? I thought you loved me?" I said. I
felt as bad now as I had when I left my old home- like I was about to lose
everything again.

"If you love me, you'd go if I asked. I want you to go. You've hurt me more
than I've ever been hurt before," he said, not looking at me.

I felt numb. I didn't know what to say. I pulled my suitcase off the top of
my wardrobe and, opening it on the bed, began to pull my clothes out of the
wardrobe and put them in the case. I was sobbing hard now.

"Wait," Ben said. I couldn't look at him, his rejection hurting me too
much. "You'd really go for me? You'd give up your last chance at a real
home? For me?"

"I'd do anything for you," I said, and meant it. "There's nothing you could
ask me that I wouldn't do. Walk through fire, donate organs- anything. I'd
die for you, Ben. Even if it means being apart from you, if you want me to
go, I will."

"What about Alex?" he said.

"He's a friend. I don't fancy him at all- ask him, he'll tell you. He's got
someone else. Ask him." I pulled my phone out of my pocket and scrolled
through the contact list to his number. "There's his number. Phone him and
ask him."

Ben sniffed, and the tears stopped. "I believe you. You wouldn't have done
that with the suitcase if you were lying. You really love me?"

"Heart, soul, body and mind. I've never felt anything like what I feel for
you, and I can't imagine feeling this way about anyone else- ever."

"OK. Stay. I don't want you to go. But I need to think though, David. About
some stuff."

"Whatever you need," I said. "However long it takes. I'll be waiting. I'll
not make anymore stupid screw ups, I'll tell you everything, anything you
want to know, ask me- I'll never lie to you, I promise. I love you, Ben." I
desperately needed to hear he felt the same.

"OK. I need to be alone for a bit. Can you do that?" he said.

"Sure," I said, and turned to leave the room. I was crushed that he hadn't
said the words I was desperate to hear, but I had hurt him badly, so maybe
I deserved that. When I was just about to close the door behind me as I
left, he spoke.

"David?" he said, almost whispering.

"Yes, Ben?" I said.

"I do love you, you know."

My heart leapt. That was all I ever needed to hear.

"I know- and I love you too. I'll be downstairs, if you want me," I said,
and shut the door.

I passed the rest of the day in solitude. There was, as usual, shit all on
TV, and I had left all my books and CDs up in the room, and didn't want to
intrude on Ben's thinking. I went into John's study, a small room he used
both to work and as a small hideaway when he needed space. I knew he kept a
small library in there, along with his music and a small stereo. I picked
out an interesting-looking thriller, and put on some music of his that I
knew. I really wanted some real angsty music, but John's taste ran more to
Dire Straits than Disturbed. Instead I went for mournful classical music. I
started with good old Elgar- misery likes nothing more than company, and
few pieces are as miserable as his cello concerto. From there, while
reading, I went through the first half of Puccini's Madama Butterfly and
Mozart's Requiem. Oh, I was wallowing, alright. As I began to get into the
book, my mood improved slightly, and I felt the sad music was only keeping
me down, so I went onto Rimsky-Korsakov's incredible Scheherezade and,
finally, to lead up to when I thought Stephanie would get home with Anna,
Beethoven's 9th sympony. They got back just as the 'Ode to Joy' came to an
end.

I stopped reading, shut off the music and went out to meet the girls.

"Hi," I said. Stephanie was unwrapping Anna from the fourteen or so layers
of clothing she had sheathed her in against the cold. Apparently she
thought we lived somewhere north of Greenland.

"Oh, hi David," she said.

"How was school Anna?" I said.

"Good," she piped. "We got to make a snowman at playtime, and we made
angels in the snow- I had to wrap a plastic bag over my cast so it wouldn't
get wet though."

"Oh, that sounds fun- is that where you lie down and wave your arms?" I
said.

"Yeah, it was loads of fun," she said. "Then we had a big snowball
fight. We drew pictures this afternoon. Do you want to see mine?"

"Oh, yes please Anna, I'd really like to," I said. At least one person in
the house still wanted to talk to me.

She managed to wriggle out of her last layer of outdoor clothes, and fished
into her little book bag. She handed a piece of paper to me. I crouched
down so she we were at the same height. The picture showed a house with
snow on it, a snowman and five people.

"Is this our house?" I asked. She nodded. "And is this the snowman you
built at school?" She nodded again. "It's very good Anna, very nice. Who
are each of these people?" I asked, indicating the figures next to the
snowman.

"That one's me," she said, pointing at the smallest one, "that's Ben,"
indicating the next biggest one, "that's Mummy, that's Daddy, and that's
you."

She had drawn me as the tallest- which was good observation for seven
year-old- and right in the middle of the group. I suspected she had simply
drawn us in age order, but the sight of me dead centre made me feel like I
belonged, and given how close I thought I had been to going a few hours
before, that felt good. I put an arm around her.

"What's that I'm wearing?" I asked. Everyone else in the picture wore blue,
I wore red.

"Your rugby top," she said, sucking a finger.

"That's really clever, Anna, I love it," I said.

"It's for you," she said.

"Oh, thank you Anna- are you sure? It's so nice I thought you'd want to
keep it."

"No, I want you to have it."

I hugged her and found tears in my eyes. I blinked them back- she was too
young to understand it was because of how happy she had just made me.

"Thank you so much. I'll put it up next to my bed. Can you help me later?"
I asked. She nodded.

Stephanie went to put dinner on. Anna needed to read some of her school
book, and asked me to help her. She didn't really need the help, she was a
good little bookworm, but someone had to check she had read it- the seven
year-old's version of homework. I did so gladly. This had become a routine,
and I had come to enjoy our little reads together. She sat on my lap at the
kitchen table and read near-perfectly, only needing my help on a couple of
the longer words, while we waited for dinner. I had begun to think of this
house as home, as John and Stephanie as real family- although certainly not
parents, my real mother and father being too strong in my mind for that,
but more than just two adults who were responsible for me- and Anna almost
felt like a little sister. Not quite, but we had become pretty close.

"Dinner's nearly ready. John'll be back any minute. Can you go and get Ben
and set the table?" said Stephanie when Anna had finished her reading. I
nodded and went upstairs.

"Ben, dinner's nearly ready, your mum asked if you can come help set the
table," I said, knocking on our door. The sign was still missing. He came
out, not speaking. His eyes were dry and I couldn't tell he had been crying
earlier, but he looked sombre rather than just his usual serious self.

As we began laying the table, John came in, said hello to us all and went
upstairs to change out of his work clothes. When he came back down, dinner
was served (bangers and mash, with real Cumberland sausages- proper,
hearty, English winter food). There was a tension around the table. John,
Stephanie and Anna spoke, and Ben and I did when directly addressed, but it
was clear something was out of kilter. Normally the two of us were thick as
thieves, and the stony silence between us and the absence of eye contact
was a none-too-subtle clue something was badly wrong. Finally, Stephanie
spoke.

"Have you two had a row or something? What's wrong?"

"Nothing." we both said at the same time.

"Oh?" said John. "Then why has the sign been torn off your door, boys?"

Bugger. We were caught.

"It's nothing- I did something silly, I upset Ben- we both got a bit upset-
and we sorted it out. It's fine, sorted," I said. I hoped Ben would keep
his mouth shut- he was still a truly appalling liar

"No, it was partially my fault too. I overreacted and said some nasty
things- I'm sorry David, I shouldn't have. It's over, we're fine," Ben
said.

I couldn't tell whether he meant it or not. Given how bad he was at faking,
I was inclined to believe him. Part of my mind leapt for joy, convinced my
love had forgiven me. Another part, the one which remembered the bad things
that had happened to me since New Year's Eve eve, was sceptical, and
reserved judgement.

"You sure?" John said. We both nodded. "Then perhaps we can put that sign
back up?"

I looked at Ben, and our eyes met for the first time since Alex had opened
his mouth only to shove his foot inside. His eyes looked so sad still, and
I felt my heart melt, nearly bursting into tears. I had really hurt him,
and he was still hurting now, but was offering me an olive branch- a chance
to fix things.

"I'd like that, if you're happy to," I said. Ben didn't speak, and he
dropped his eyes, but he nodded.

"Good," said John. We finished dinner. Ben and I weren't speaking, and the
atmosphere was still off, and but the edge had been taken out of it. When
everything was cleared away and Anna was taken upstairs for a bath, John
said: "I'm popping outside. David, want to join me? One last look at the
snow?"

I felt Ben's eyes bore into me. "No, thanks, I've seen enough for today," I
said, deciding that to accept would provoke the situation again.

"You sure? You should get one last look, just in case it's gone by
tomorrow," said Ben. Was he telling me it was OK? I couldn't tell.

"You think? I mean, it's no big deal if I don't," I said, looking at him in
such a way that I hoped he realised what I really meant.

"Yeah, but you should go anyway," he said. He whispered to me under his
breath: "Go. It's OK, I don't mind. We can talk later. You'll be cranky if
you don't, won't you?"

I nodded, and followed John outside to smoke.  He grilled me over our
bust-up, but I played it down and didn't fill in the blanks he obviously
hoped for. When we went back in, Anna came bounding downstairs in her
pyjamas to see if we could put up her picture. I helped her blu-tack it to
my wall then kissed her goodnight and went downstairs again. Ben spent the
rest of the evening in his room, probably playing 'Call of Duty' still. I
suspected he had shot enough computer characters to depopulate Norfolk by
now. I watched some crime drama John raved about with him. Eventually I was
sent upstairs to go bed and to tell Ben to do the same.

The sign was back on the door when I came upstairs, and nothing I had ever
seen had made me happier. I went inside. Ben was sitting on his bed, the
computer off. I closed the door, locking it.

"I unpacked your stuff and hung your clothes back up," Ben said, not
looking at me.

"Thank you. Can I sit down?" I said, indicating a spot on his bed next to
him. He nodded, still not looking at me. "I've missed you today. I'm so
sorry, Ben. Can you forgive me? Is there anything I can do to make it
right?"

He sniffed. I looked at him. Tears were running down his cheeks. His hands
were resting on the bed. I tentatively rested one of mine on his nearest
hand. When he didn't pull away, I slid my arm around his shoulders, hugging
him gently. He burst into sobs, and threw his arms around my torso, crying
broken-heartedly into my chest. I rocked him gently, stroking his back
softly.

"I thought I'd lost you," he sobbed. "I thought you didn't love me, I
thought you were going to go and leave me alone, I thought you had just
used me, just wanted something to get off, I thought you wanted Alex not
me."

"No, never, ever," I said. "I love you, I've not even glanced at anyone
else since I met you. I'm yours. Please let me fix this."

"You don't have to" he said, looking at me, his eyes, so dark and so big
from crying, full of love, but confused. "I forgive you. I know it was just
a mistake, and I believe you that you love me and you weren't using me. I
should have known you'd never do that. You're too kind to other people to
do that. I should have remembered what you did when Anna got hurt- how you
helped me just because you couldn't take seeing me so upset. I'm sorry
David, I said some horrible things. Can you forgive me?"

I smiled at him and gently kissed his forehead. "There's nothing to
forgive. Now, why don't we have a talk- ask me anything, anything you can
ever want to know and I'll answer truthfully. That way there's nothing I've
got hidden from you, no skeletons in closets or whatever."

"OK, but everytime I ask a question, you ask one too- that way we're
equals. Deal?" he asked.

"Deal," I said.

He was right- we had to be equals. I hadn't treated him that way on one
thing and the age gap had suddenly become an issue for the first time. That
would be the last time. I would not make a mistake like that again. I cared
for him too much.

We spent perhaps two hours talking quietly, asking direct, personal
questions of each other. We asked about things we had skirted around but
never really gone into details over. He asked about my life with my
parents, my old school, my old friends, my new friends- I even told him all
about Alex and Daniel. I felt a brief twang of guilt about breaking
confidence, but I made Ben understand that the conversation must never
leave the room- it was just for us, totally private- and buried the
guilt. He asked about all the things you do when you're a teenager and
rebelling- had I been drunk (once, and I didn't like it), had I tried any
drugs (pot, once, and I didn't like that either), who I had done anything
sexual with (just that one guy), who I had kissed (no one but Ben), who I
had fancied or had crushes on. I answered every question truthfully and
fully, leaving no details out. I told him about every boy I could remember
finding even vaguely attractive, but emphasised how they all paled next to
him. I simply asked Ben the questions he asked me, and he told me about the
few boys he realised with hindsight he had fancied, about the one time he
got tipsy at his cousin's wedding, how he'd never smoked or tried drugs
(good). By the time we both ran out of things to ask and things to say of
our own volition, it was seriously late by our standards, and we were
exhausted, both due to the hour and the emotion of the day. We decided to
go to bed- separate beds for once. Neither of us were horny, I wanted to
show our relationship meant more to me than just sex and he needed some
space. Just before we turned the lights out, I spoke again.

"If you ever think of anything you forgot to ask, just ask it, and I'll
answer. Anything which happens in the future, I'll try and tell you
straight away, and if you ever have new questions, ask. I'll never keep
secrets from you again, Ben- I swear on my parents' graves," I said, and
meant it with all my heart.

"Sure," he said, smiling his wonderful smile at me. I couldn't believe how
much better that simple muscle twitch made me feel. "I love you David."

"I love you too, Ben, more than my own life," I said.

We turned the lights out. I had thought, given the hour and my feeling of
being put through the emotional wringer, that I would drop off as soon as
my head hit the pillow. My mind had other ideas. Thoughts ran through my
head at breakneck speed. How I had screwed up something small and it had
turned into a huge deal, how I had nearly lost everything, how I had been
unkind to my best friend- but most of all, how I had hurt my dearest
love. I thought how ashamed my parents would be at me for hurting someone
else so badly. That combined with the guilt and fear over losing another
home pushed me over the edge, and I started crying. It was my first good
weep of the week. I curled up in the foetal position and began sobbing,
biting my knuckles to try and silence the noise. I couldn't wake Ben- he
must be totally shattered, and I didn't deserve his sympathy due to my
secrecy and how that made him feel. I tried to blot out the world and think
of nothing, to fall asleep as quickly as I could. It didn't work, and I
kept sobbing.

The bed moved slightly beneath me, and I felt Ben slip in behind me. He
hugged me.

"It's OK, David, I'm here. I still love you," he whispered in my ear.

I rolled over and hugged him properly, and let my feelings rush out in a
storm of crying. I sobbed into his shoulder, him stroking my head, soothing
me. I felt myself crying myself out, and I looked up at him.

"I'm so sorry Ben, I'm sorry for everything- what I did, how it made you
feel, and for doing this again. I'm sorry I'm so weak," I said, full of
self-loathing.

"There's nothing to be sorry for- it's all better now, and I've told you
before- I can't see you upset. I... I wanted to be close to you anyway... I
want to make things better, and it's easier like this," he said, still
stroking my head. "And you're not weak- most people who'd been what you
have would be falling apart. You're so strong, and so kind, and I
overreacted- I'm sorry for what I said, those horrible things. I can't
believe I nearly made you go- and over something that's really so
small. I'd be lost without you now. I love you."

"I love you too, Ben, and you'll never be without me, as long as you want
me," I promised.

I cried on for a few minutes, but eventually I burned myself out. I began
to drift off to sleep. The last thing I heard before I finally fell under
made my heart soar:-

"Holl amrantau'r sˆr ddywedant Ar hyd y nos."

He was singing my lullaby to me. His pronunciation was horrible, but I
didn't care. I knew he loved me, and he knew I loved him, and we could fix
my fuck-up. Nothing else mattered.



To be continued...




The story will continue with Dan spending some time alone with Alex. What
will they get up to? Also, Ben and David have made peace, but they haven't
quite made up- I wonder how they could do that...

That chapter had far less action than usual, so for those of you who like
that, I'm sorry. This chapter was always intended to be more about the
difficulties of budding teen relationships than sex. The next chapter,
however, while still containing the appropriate soppy stuff, will almost
certainly be raunchier.

I got this chapter done far quicker than I anticipated, but that was sheer
blind luck. It's quite possible the next chapter will take me longer, as I
have stuff to do and there's some other (non-Nifty-related) stuff I want to
write, but keep a weather eye out- I will definitely write at least two
more chapters of this story (and possibly more if I get the inspiration),
and will post part 5 as soon as I can write it.

I would once again like to emphasise what I said at the start- this is
fiction. Nifty does not accept submissions from minors, so Dan's story
would never be accepted, and I haven't written it either, so don't try and
find it because it doesn't exist, and I have no plans to alter that.

Feedback, comments and suggestions are always welcome and greatly
appreciated, and may shape the future of the story. I can be emailed at

xenophon66@hotmail.co.uk

Flames cheerfully deleted.