Date: Sun, 2 Jun 2013 11:16:31 +1200
From: bob charles <pennywise3636@gmail.com>
Subject: Washed Up (Gay / Young friends) chapter 5

Washed Up.

Disclaimer:

Warning: this story contains sexual content, contact between young boys,
and other themes that may offend.  If the subject matter offends you, is
not to your tastes, or if you are under legal age for your area, then find
something else to read. In the following story all names and events are
completely fictional.  Although I may mention a specific location, place,
or person any resemblance to said people, location, or places is completely
unintentional.

Chapter 5:

I slowly wake feeling really drowsy and washed out. I sluggishly become
aware that the car seems to be doing a lot of accelerating and
breaking. Every now and then we also seem to turn a corner. I come back to
reality and look out of the car window. We seem to be driving through an
urban sprawl. There are lots of old weatherboard state houses in various
states of decay, or repair. The whole area we are going through looks
uninviting. It is the sort of place that you wouldn't feel safe if you were
going out at night. We have to be in South Auckland, as there is nowhere
else that I know of that is like this.

We seem to drive through the sprawl of houses for ages. Nothing much
changes scenery wise during the journey. Occasionally we will pass a small
line of shops. They look as uninviting as the rest of the area. The shops
which are closed all have corrugated iron shutters over the doors and
windows, to try to prevent burglars from breaking in. The whole place
really doesn't have a safe feel about it. I am really starting to wonder
why mum has gone this way. Surely this isn't where we are going, well at
least I hope like hell that it isn't. Mum still hasn't told us where we are
going. She hasn't told us anything. Mum indicates to make a left turn, and
then she slows down. We turn the corner and the answer to my question is
about halfway down the block.

"Shit! No mum, no. Please mum, don't do it. I'm begging you please don't!"
I yell. Then I burst out crying. My life is about to get a whole lot worse.

************

My whole demeanour goes out the window. I am totally shattered, and so I
hold my head in my hands and cry. It really is the worst thing that mum can
do me. She doesn't listen to me at all. In fact she totally ignores my
pleads. I feel and arm wrap around me, it is Callum, as I have woken him up
with my shouting. He has a petrified look on his face, as he realises what
is happening. I'm not sure why, as he has nothing to be worried about, but
it means that his peace is going to be shattered. He knows what is going to
happen, and so do I. This is going to be an absolute nightmare.

Standing halfway down the street is my 16 year old sister, Sarah. She is
relatively tall for a girl standing at 5'9", and she weighs about 56 kg. If
it wasn't for the fact that I am gay, and that she is my sister, then I
would have to say that she looked sexy. She has a slim build with nice
perky boobs, and a tight round ass. She has on tight blue denim jeans, and
a dull yellow low cut top, which accentuates her cleavage perfectly. Due to
being an inside person she only has a pale tan, not the golden tan that
Callum and I have.

Her long straight dirty blonde hair stretches all the way down to her
waist. Her face is long and thin, with a log thin nose poking out from
it. The distinguishing thing about her nose is the way that it comes to a
sharp point, almost like a witch. She has brown eyes, which has come from
her father's genes, as everyone else has blue eyes. Her lips are thin and
red, and covered in lipstick. She loves to coat her face with makeup like
most teenage girls like to do.

"Fuck sake, for once in your fucking life could you do something that is
good for me." I sob as a last ditch effort to persuade mum not to pick up
my evil bitch of a sister. Again she just ignores me, and starts to slow
the car.

My sister seems to be a little anxious and impatient about something, as
mum pulls up to the curb beside her. She throws open the door and throws
her bag in the foot well. She follows her bag as she jumps into the car and
into the front passenger's seat.

"Go, go, go!" Sarah yells as she slams her door shut. There is a lot of
urgency in her voice, making me think that she is trying to run from
something. Mum plants her foot on the accelerator and takes off. The cars
tyres are squealing from the sudden acceleration, and we leave behind a
trail of thick blue smoke and the distinctive smell of burning rubber.

Even though I am still bawling my eyes out, I am confused as to why my
sister is in such a rush. I see the reason shortly after, when I see the
big manly frame of our grandmother running out onto the street. She really
does look like a man, and if it wasn't for the grey ponytail she has then
you really wouldn't be able to tell. She has a big ugly face, which has
lots of gross looking boils and scabs all over it. Her eyes are blue, but
have an evil look about them. She also has a big red nose, which also has a
couple of boils on it. She really does look like an ogre, and acts like one
too. If you don't believe me then you obviously haven't met her.

"Thank you for saving me, mum. I really couldn't stand to be around that
bitch any longer, as she really is evil I tell you... Oh and hello Callum,
you've grown since the last time I saw you." Sarah says to mum and my
little brother, who is still holding onto me for dear life. My sister
unsurprisingly totally ignores the fact that I even existed.

Mum is driving normally now that we have escaped grandma. We are again
driving through the urban sprawl of South Auckland. She is trying to find
her way back to the motorway. I'm not sure that she really knows where she
was going, but she manages to find her way to the onramp back onto the
motorway. Sarah is starting to sniff around, and then screws her nose up.

"Have you pissed your pants you little baby?" Sarah says and looks directly
at me. I am too emotionally unstable for her to start up on me. Callum has
sensed this, and scoots back across to his seat. I see him out of the
corner of my eye, covering his ears. He knows how this is going to go. I
feel sorry for him, but am too emotionally charged to stop myself, and take
the bite, hook, line and sinker.

"Get fucked you little slut. You have no fucking idea about what you are
talking about." I say to her, absolutely seething at the fact that she is
in the car. I am still in tears which I know is going to make things worse
for me, but I can't stop them due to how upset with mum I am. Why the fuck
did she have to pick my sister up? She knows how much we hate each other.

"You did, didn't you? You pissed your pants you fucking little cry baby."
Sarah says back. She isn't going to let this slide, but she knows nothing
about what had happened. Mum tries to warn her to stop but Sarah doesn't
hear her and I bite even further.

"Can't you just fuck off and stop trying to ruin my life, you fucking
slag?" I retort back. She gives me the most venomous look after I say
that. Callum is now trying to hug his knees whist still covering his
ears. He is backed right up into the corner of the car, and starting to
shake. The poor boy has witnessed too many fights in his short life, but I
am too pissed off to stop myself. Sarah isn't any better.

"I'm ruining your life? You useless piece of shit, you have already ruined
my life. If you hadn't pissed the bed then dad would still be with us, and
I would be happy." She snarls at me. Oh fuck, she has pushed me too far
now. I really take offense to that comment and I can feel something inside
my head snap, meaning I really can't control what comes out my mouth now.

"Shut the fuck up sis, unless you know what the fuck you're talking
about. You have no fucking clue what really happened, so fuck you, you
fucking retarded bitch!" I scream at my sister. I still have tears running
down my cheeks, but I am not crying as much at the moment. Both my sister's
and my faces are red with anger. We are fuming at each other. Mum makes
several attempts to get my sister to stop, but neither of us hear her. Mum
is starting to get pissed off with Sarah because she already knows how this
is going to turn out, and it isn't going to be pretty.

"I know exactly what happened you little shit. Dad went to check up on you
and saw that you had wet the bed. So he lost it, and beat you to a pulp
like you deserved, you fucking little baby." Sarah spat out at me. This is
exactly why we haven't talked much for a while. It is too much for me and I
break down again. I start crying uncontrollably, and my adrenalin filled
body is starting to shake uncontrollably.

"Fuck you, you bitch. You have no idea what that piece of shit father of
yours did to me." I howl. I am still yelling as much as I can, but my
crying has really taken control of me again. My body is also really shaking
uncontrollably again. It isn't just through the adrenalin fuelled anger
that I am feeling, but also because I am reliving the horrors of that night
in vivid detail.

Callum is looking really scared. He is scared about what is going to happen
to me, as he doesn't know what our sister is like. He is expecting her to
snap and lay into me like dad would. Despite his best efforts to block out
our argument he can still hear every word that is said. He really wishes
that he had ear plugs to go along with his hands, because maybe then he
won't be able to hear all the yelling which has caused him so much pain in
his life. Almost every time that he hears yelling someone seems to get
hurt, and that someone always seems to be me.

"Whatever he did to you, you obviously deserved it you fucking retard. If
you weren't born then we would still be one happy family, and I would be
the happiest." She snarls back. It hurt so much to hear that. I feel so
small from the comment, as it really is the worst thing that she ever said.

It is time that she knows just how fucking great her dad is. I cry even
harder as a result of what's going through my head, and my body is shaking
so bad that I know it's on the verge of shutting down on me. I ignore all
the warning signs my body is giving me, as the adrenalin is still in
control of me. I am seething with complete hatred too much to listen to
what my body is trying to tell me.

"Fuck you. I can't believe you would say such a horrible thing you fucking
awful slag. Your fucking awesome dad... well... he... he fucking raped
me...! he raped me... raped me." I blubber. I start reliving the nightmare
all over again, like I have most nights after it happened. I feel numb, and
my breathing has become very shallow. It is almost like I am not breathing
at all. I am just staring into space, and everything around me becomes a
blur. I just completely break down, and as a result my body goes into
shock. My shaking ceases and I stop crying, but I'm barely conscious.

"Mum, he's lying isn't he? Please tell me he is lying. It can't be true, it
just can't be." Sarah says in hysterics to mum. Her voice is suddenly
strained and full of disbelief. She really can't believe it. She doesn't
want to believe it, as she has always been daddy's little girl so there is
no way dad could have done such a thing.

"Mum... um... I don't think you're going to like this, but Josh just wet
himself." Callum says to mum in a quiet and timid voice. He is a little
concerned as to how mum is going to react about it. Mum isn't mad with me,
as she has been here before, which is part of the reason why I have never
told anyone about what happened on that awful night. Mum pulls off the side
of the motorway to see what she can do.

"You just couldn't keep your fucking mouth shut could you? Thanks to you,
your brother has gone back into shock. Yes he did get raped by your
father. If I told you otherwise then I would be a liar, and I'm not going
to do that just to keep you happy. He didn't tell you about what happened
to him, because this is what happens. I didn't tell you because you would
never have listened to me. Did you never think that it was strange, that up
until that night he had never wet the bed before?" Mum snarls at Sarah. She
isn't impressed at her one bit, as she has only just got into the car and
already picked a massive fight.

"Mum, what does raped mean?" Callum asks inquisitively. He really wants to
understand what has happened to me. He has heard the word used in the news
occasionally so knows that it is a really bad thing, but he doesn't know
any more about it than that. The sweet boy has already scooted back across
the car to try and comfort me, but I am still in a coma like state.

"Callum I know that you really want to understand what happened to
Josh. But for your sake I'm not going to tell you, as it will only upset
and confuse you." Mum replies sympathetically to Callum. He looks
disappointed but understands why mum won't tell him. He knows that it must
be really bad then, so he isn't so sure that he wants to know anymore.

"I'm sorry mum, but how else was I supposed to know when neither of you
told me?" Sarah says. She is sobbing now, as she is actually feeling guilty
for what she has said to me. It is a huge reality check for her as she has
totally ignored a lot of the signs. Dad has never done anything bad to her
which is why she never suspected anything. She really is dad's favourite
child, so she has been spoilt rotten, all her life by him. Now she knows
the truth, and it is starting to hit home in a big way.

"It isn't just that, but did you really think that your brother had that
many accidents. Did you never suspect that your father might have been
beating him? You were so caught up in our own little world that you totally
ignored what your dad was really doing. Josh suffered severely because of
your father, and I let it happen." Mum tells Sarah and bursts out crying
herself. The guilt that she is feeling is too overwhelming. So knows that
she has let me down in a big way, as it is supposed to be her job to
protect her kids, but she failed horribly with me.

"Dad used to beat him too? How did I miss that? Did he ever hit Callum?"
Sarah asks. She now starts to realise just how much she has ignored. She
has always sort of wondered how I kept hurting myself so badly, when I
never seem to do anything. It has never registered in her that dad might
possibly be the reason, because when she had such thoughts she always
ignored them. `Dad would never hurt us' is what she kept telling herself.

"No, I never got hit. Josh made sure of that. He made sure dad beat him and
not me." Callum says to his older sister with tears streaming from his
eyes. He hates being reminded of that, as it brings back all the awful
memories. Sarah has a relieved look on her face knowing that Callum has
never been hurt by dad. Well he at least has never been physically hurt by
dad, she is still unsure as to whether dad may have hurt him in other
ways. She also finds a new sense of appreciation for what I did. For the
first time in ages, Sarah is actually proud of me.

"Well there isn't a lot I can do to clean Josh up, as he has already used
the change of clothes which I had brought along for him, with his previous
accident. I will have to stop at the Warehouse. Sarah, I will have to get
you to run in and get some new clothes for him. It would probably pay to
pick up some wet wipes as well." Mum said. She then pulls back onto the
motorway and heads off towards the nearest store. I am completely oblivious
as to what has happened. Let alone what is going on. I am reliving that
terrible night over, and over again in my head.

***

It happens on the night of April the 24th. I wake up to the sound of keys
rattling at the door. I know it is dad, and that he is pissed as a fart. I
always wake when dad gets home late, because I know this is when dad is
most volatile. He lets himself in the door, and slams it shut behind him. I
jump at the loud bang the door makes. We are living in a four bedroom house
in West Auckland at this time, so I have a room all to myself, and I do not
have to share it with Callum. The major problem is that my room is the
closest to my parent's bedroom.

"Margret, I'm home, and I'm horny. Let's shag!" Dad yells in a drunken
slur. I can hear him staggering through the house. He keeps banging into
stuff as he walks, making lots of loud scary noises. He walks straight into
my door which sends it flying open. I am just amazed that he somehow
manages to stay on his feet. He continues on to his room. I am nervous as
hell because if dad doesn't get his shag, whatever that is, then I know I'm
going to be in trouble.

I hear him open the door to his room. Then I jump again as he slams it
shut. I am cowering under my blankets hoping like hell that mum won't say
anything to piss him off. If she does I know he will go on a rampage, and
that I will be in the firing line. I always am. I only hope that if happens
that I will be able to protect Callum. I haven't failed him yet, but I am
still worried that one day I might and that would destroy me.

"Come on bitch, I want to fuck!" I hear dad yell from their bedroom. I have
no idea what he is talking about, but it sounds scary. There is a lot of
banging and crashing going on in the room. I am hoping that it means that
dad is getting what he wants. God help us all if he isn't.

"Fuck off. You're drunk and because of that I don't want to fuck you!" I
hear mum yell. I cower even deeper into my bed. This isn't going to plan. I
hear a loud slap, so quickly realise that dad has just hit mum. I am
paralysed in fear. There is nothing that I can do. I feel totally helpless
to protect mum, but what is making it worse is that I know I can't protect
Callum. I'm stuck and physically can't move. All the years of abuse have
had a major impact on me.

There is more banging and crashing coming from their room. All of a sudden
their bedroom door crashes open. There is so much force behind it that the
top of the door comes off its hinges. A big shadow appears in the open
doorway to my room. Dad is standing there and he doesn't look happy. He is
completely naked, and his dick is huge. It is a fat hairy ugly thing, but
what shocks me most is that it is standing up. It is the first boner that I
have ever seen, not that I know what a boner is.

"If your whore of a mother won't fuck me, than you will do." Dad says in a
deep booming voice. I am petrified, but I am still unable to move. My mind
is racing telling me to run, but my body isn't cooperating. It doesn't
listen to anything my mind tells it, leaving me feeling helpless and
vulnerable.

Dad staggers over to my bed and rips the blankets off. I just lie there
looking at him. My face is full of fear but he doesn't care. He roughly
flips me over like I'm a useless annoying cushion or something, so that I
am now lying on my front. Then he brutally rips my pyjama bottoms off and
throws them on the floor. I have no idea what is happening, and I am
feeling embarrassed at being naked from the waist down. But I really have
no clue what is in store for me, all I can think about is as to how badly
daddy is going to beat me.

I still to this day don't exactly know what happened. All I know is I
suddenly feel the most agonizing pain in my butt. The pain is so intense
that I lose complete control of my body. I feel a wet patch, which keeps
getting bigger, form under me. I realise that I have just wet the bed. The
pain quickly becomes too much for my little body to handle, and I pass
out. The world goes black, but at least the pain is gone.

From what I have been told afterwards it goes from bad to worse
afterwards. Once dad has finished with me he flips me back over. That's
when he finds out that I have wet the bed. He completely loses it. He goes
absolutely crazy and beats the shit out of my unconscious body. Mum has
seen dad raping me, and calls the cops. They turn up as dad is beating my
lifeless body. It takes four of them, and a couple of Tasers to finally
subdue him.

I spend seven weeks recovering in hospital as a result. The doctors are
really surprised at my recovery as I have be beaten up so badly that they
don't even think I will make it through the first night. But there is still
worse to come when his court hearing starts.

***

I have to tell Pierre the story after he sees the extensive scarring around
my poo hole, and asks me about it. By the end if the story I am in a trance
and hugging myself, while sitting in the bath. Pierre quickly embraces me
in a hug, and starts to stroke my back. I am shaking uncontrollably by this
stage, and Pierre has to call out to mum for help. Moments later my body
completely shuts down and I become comatose.

"What do you want...? Oh shit what happened?" Mum says to Pierre as she
bursts through the bathroom door, and sees the state that I am in. She is
now looking really concerned but isn't sure why I have suddenly collapsed
like that. When she had sent us for a shower I seemed to be so full of
life. Now I am a mess in the bathtub which has left her baffled. She
recognises the symptoms but doesn't think in the slightest that I would
have been stupid enough to tell Pierre. Well she hopes that I'm not that
stupid anyway.

"I was cleaning his back and..."

"Shit. Did he actually tell you what his dad really did to him?" Mum asks
abruptly, interrupting Pierre in the process. She is really worried, but at
the same time very surprised. Pierre is the first person that I have
voluntarily told what happened. Mum also knows that still to this day I am
not coping with the pain and torture that night caused. She hopes that one
day I will get over it, but until then mum is left to pick up the pieces.

"Yeah, he told me what his dad did to him. Well sort of. What does raped
mean? Because he couldn't actually tell me what happened. All that he knew
was that he had been raped." Pierre asks sombrely. He has a gut feeling
about what had happened, but still wants my mum to confirm what he
thinks. Well he thinks he wants to know, but something is gnawing away at
him telling him that it might be best not to know.

"Are you really sure that you want me to answer that?" Mum asks Pierre
back.

"Yeah. No. I don't know. I sort of want to understand what he went through,
but I'm still not sure that I will be able to handle it." Pierre replies
sobbing. He is really confused. On one hand the information might be useful
to help me with. On the other hand it could destroy something. He isn't
sure what, but he knows that it will likely be something important.

"Look if you really want to know then I can get you a dictionary. That way
it is your choice, as to whether you follow through with it or not. I could
tell you, but if you're not sure then I don't think that it would be a good
idea. I know that eventually you will both find out the meaning of the
word, but until then it is all up to you whether you want to find out or
not." Mum tells Pierre. She knows that it will take a lot of explaining if
Pierre does want to know, because once he finds out what really happened he
is going to want to understand why it happened.

He just nods. From what he has just been told by mum, he knows that it is
definitely something that could have dire consequences if he knows the
meaning. He chooses to just let it be for the moment. When the time is
right, then we will both probably seek the answer to what really happened
to me on that awful night. Until then he decides to forget about trying to
work out what happened, and try to get me back to reality.

"Right, you need to get out of the shower, and dry off. Then I'm going to
need you to give me a hand to dry Josh off, and get him to bed." Mum tells
Pierre. He just does as he is told. There is no use in resisting, and he
doesn't need to anyway. He wants what is best for me. That is what is most
important to him at the moment, but he isn't sure how getting me to bed
will help. It will make it easier for him to comfort me, by embracing me in
his warm loving hug. But he knows that mum doesn't like the idea of our
relationship, so she isn't putting me into bed for that reason.

"Mum what's wrong with Josh?" Callum says as he bursts into the
bathroom. His face is full of concern when he sees me in a near comatose
state in the bathtub. He has heard all the commotion from his bedroom, so
decided to come see what has happened. He didn't expect to see me like
that, and now is really worried that something bad has happened.

"Not now Callum. I will explain it to you later." Mum says sternly to my
worried little brother. She then shoos him away, so that Pierre and her
have enough room to do what they need to do. Callum is about to protest but
knows that it is useless. He also doesn't want to get in the way of them
helping me. So he begrudgingly leaves the bathroom, so that mum and Pierre
can continue to help me.

Pierre and mum take an arm each, as they hoist me out of the bathtub. Mum
is the stronger of the two, so once I am out of the bath mum holds me up,
so that Pierre can dry me off. He tries to be as thorough as possible, but
also does it quickly so that mum doesn't have to hold my dead weight for
too long. Once Pierre has finished drying me he drops the towel on the
floor and takes a hold of my arm again. Now dried and properly supported,
they carry me out of the bathroom and down the hall towards my bedroom.

"Wouldn't it be best if he was in the lounge so that you can keep an eye on
him? He really doesn't look very well, and I worried that something really
bad might happen." Pierre questions my mum. His face shows the concern that
he is feeling. He is struggling to hold himself together, but knows it
won't do me any good if he ends up an emotional wreck.

"Look he will be fine in a few hours. It's not the first time that I have
seen him like this, so you don't have anything to worry about. If you want
to stay with him to keep him company, then that's up to you. I will warn
you though, that when he does wake up he will likely be really moody. So
just be aware of that, and keep yourself safe." Mum replies to Pierre. She
doesn't want to scare him too much by telling her about my likely mood. She
has seen it before after I have woken from a similar state, and saying that
I will be really moody is putting it lightly, very lightly.

The last few times I woke from my trauma induced come, I was shitty as hell
and no one in the near vicinity was safe. I will take my temper out on
anyone, and everyone. With only one exception, and that is Callum. I have
always said that I will try to do anything to make sure that he is safe,
and I mean it, not even in my most wicked temper tantrum will I inflict
anything on my brother. Everyone else just tends to cop it twice as bad as
a result.

Pierre and mum carry me into my room, and lie me down on my bed. Pierre is
caught in two minds. Does he stay to comfort me, or does he just let me
be. What my mum has said to him has scared him. He is worried about how
volatile I will be when I eventually wake up. `No' he thinks, as I have
been there for him during his time of need, so he will be here for me. It
isn't going to matter what my mood is going to be like, the important thing
is getting me to wake up again. So he sits on the bed next to me.

"Just remember be careful. When you see that he is waking up, than it might
pay to leave the room as quickly as possible." Mum tells Pierre. Her voice
is sincere, but has a huge element of concern in it, which scares Pierre a
little more. Mum then turns and leaves the room as quickly as she can,
closing the door behind her.

With mum now gone Pierre thinks he is safe, so lies down beside me and
embraces in a tight comforting hug. He is still naked as he wants to get as
close to me as possible, and doesn't want clothes to get in the way. He
starts stroking my back as well. Then he just starts thinking. `What the
hell is going on?' he thinks to himself. He can't believe that the two of
us have had such tragedies affect our young lives. It isn't just that, but
it seems to him that what has happened to us eventually led us to be
together. The other thing that struck his brain is the date I had said. He
isn't sure that he has heard properly, so he will have to double check
about it later.

Pierre then starts recalling what he has been through in the short time
since he first met me. He really can't believe how close we have become in
such a short period of time. That first proper kiss we had starts to replay
in his mind. He can feel the love in it still. He is also experiencing
those incredible feelings that we both get from that kiss. His mind then
goes back a step to the feelings he feels when I give him mouth to
mouth. Then it strikes him, if I can bring him back to life with a kiss,
then maybe, just maybe he can do the same. He turns his head to look at
me. Then he leans over and gives me the most beautiful, loving kiss on my
lips.

Even in my trauma induced coma I can still hear what is going on around
me. I can hear mum's voice as she is talking to Pierre. I can also hear
Pierre's sexy French accent. The problem is he seems to be speaking
French. Everyone I hear seems to be speaking some foreign dialect. My brain
isn't able to turn the noises they are making into words. I also still feel
the warmth and comfort that only Pierre's body generates in me. It seems to
grow in strength, and then fade. Now the feelings are stronger than ever. A
hug jolt of energised love shoots through me, and my eyes burst open as a
result.

All I can see once my eyes have adjusted is Pierre's shadowy face. He is
kissing me, and it feels totally wicked. Without even thinking I kiss him
back, but am instantly filled with disappointment. Pierre gets such a
fright when I kiss him that he panics and pulls away. With my mind in the
unstable state that it is in, I misread what has happened. I can feel the
anger that I usually wake up to, welling up from the depths. But it is the
sheer disappointment, and shame that wins out for the moment. I lose
control, roll over and bury my head as I bawl my eyes out.

The disappointment and shame, is quickly getting replaced with anger. I am
angry at everything. Angry at what my dad has done to me, angry at my mum
for allowing it to happen and for so long. But most of all I feel angry for
having just been rejected. My mind is not thinking things through
properly. It is misinterpreting anything and everything, and my mood is
going through the whole rollercoaster ride with it. I can't hurt Pierre,
even after he just rejected me. It is like my brother, I can never hurt him
either, even if he does something to upset me.

I start taking my anger and frustration out on my pillow. I keep my head
buried as I do it, as I can't look at Pierre, let alone let him see me like
this. I really want to get up and throw something. Better yet kick and
punch something, as that always makes me feel better afterwards. I want to
hurl abuse at someone as well, but I can't do that to Pierre either. I am
really getting frustrated, and my anger is boiling over. Pierre is scared
as hell. He is now starting to wish that he had listened to my mum, but he
thinks he knows the reason for my outburst.

"I'm sorry Josh. I didn't mean to upset you. You scared me, and I didn't
know that it would work... and you scared me is all." Pierre says
crying. He knows that his reaction to me kissing him back is what upset me
so much. He is feeling terribly guilt for the way he reacted, and now
wishes that he could do it all over again, so that he can get it right this
time.

I am still too pissed off at everything, and I am still taking my tantrum
out on my pillow. Pierre tries to hug me, but I shrug him off. He pulls
away a bit scared but knows that he has to try again. Each time he tries to
hug me I keep shrugging him off violently. I don't hit him or anything, I
just shrug as hard as I can. It is an involuntary response, as my mind
cannot deal with things properly. But he keeps persisting, and eventually
my mind gives in.

Pierre feels like he is starting to succeed in calming me down, as he
finally manages to embrace me in a hug. He tries to pull me tighter into
him, but my body won't allow him to. My brain is telling me to be wary of
him, just encase he rejects me again. Pierre knows that I need to get my
thoughts straight before he can really do anything, so just hugs me as
tight as I will allow him to. He starts to stroke my back, and slowly feels
my body start to relax. Not a word is spoken since Pierre had originally
tried to apologise, which is a good half an hour ago.

"I'm really sorry for what happened to you. I really am. I shouldn't have
made you tell me what happened, but I am glad you did... I really didn't
think that you would react this way though... I'm really sorry for
that... I'm so sorry for upsetting you... I'm." Pierre sobs. He is still
feeling guilty about the whole thing and all he wants to do is apologise
for it.

"Will you stop saying that you're sorry. I can't stand it anymore. It
wasn't you're fault. You weren't to know. I should have stopped you
before... you... washed... my butt." I say. I had snapped at him
originally, but end up feeling a little bit embarrassed as I realise that
he only found out because we were washing each other. Somehow he has
managed to ease my mood, and my brain is starting to function normally
again.

"Um... I didn't mean to upset you again." Pierre says timidly after I had
originally snapped at him for continuously apologising. It is now my turn
to hug him, as I have him running so scared that now he isn't thinking
properly.

"Look I'm sorry for snapping at you. It's just... I get like this when I
wake up after... well you know what I mean. Didn't mum warn you? She
normally does." I say in my most apologetic voice.

"Yeah your mum warned me, but I still thought that it was best to stay and
comfort you. Why didn't you tell me all this earlier though? Why did you
try and hide it from me?" Pierre says. He is sounding a little irritated
and hurt that I have tried to hide it from him.

"That is simple to answer. First off I didn't want you to see me like this,
as I am ashamed at how I react about it. Secondly, you had much more
important things to deal with... with your dad... um... well you know." I
say honestly to Pierre. I am a little flushed with the embarrassment for
having acted so badly in front of Pierre, but for some reason I don't think
he really minds how I reacted. It is just the way my mind is coping with
things that even now I'm still misreading things.

"What do you mean I had more important things to deal with? Yes, my dad
died, but that is minor. My dad was loving and caring, and his loss has
been hard to take. But you have had to deal with a lot worse. Your dad is
supposed to love and protect you. You have been completely betrayed by the
one person who you are supposed to be able to trust. People die all the
time, and it is something that we all have to live with, but not everyone
is so horribly betrayed by their own flesh and blood." Pierre retorts to
me. It comes from the bottom of his heart. He completely believes that I
have suffered far worse than he has, and he makes sure to let me know that
too.

"Um... Oh... I never thought of it that way. I'm sorry for trying to hide
it from you, but to tell the truth, you are the only person that I have
ever told. I have been to see lots of people as a result of what happened,
but I never said a word to them. I still think that you have had it worse,
as your loss is a lot more recent." I reply. It is only after I said it
that I realise that I have probably said the wrong thing, but I really do
believe that his issues are more important than mine. Maybe I'm just that
sort of person who writes off their own issues when they see someone of
greater need. No, that can't be it as I'm selfish as hell, it is something
about the love I feel for Pierre that makes his issues more important than
mine.

"It doesn't matter how recent something has happened. You have still had it
worst. I am sort of happy knowing that you are thinking about me before
yourself. It makes me feel like I am actually someone sort of important."
Pierre says. He is actually beaming from the thought and hugs me tighter as
a result.

"It's true. You are the most important person in the world to me. The pain
that I saw you in, after the bad news you received about your dad, tore me
in two. It made me forget everything that I had been feeling, as fixing
your pain is the most important thing to me." I say to Pierre, and I mean
every word of it. I then give him a little peck on the lips and get those
magical feelings engulf me.

"Thank you for caring so much. It really means a lot to me. What you have
to remember is that I feel the same about you. Helping you get over your
pain is the most important thing in the world to me too. I have a few of
questions that I would like to ask you, if you're up to it of course?"
Pierre says to me, and gives me a little kiss back to stress his point. I
actually just want to lie there kissing now, but I know that Pierre has got
a few things he needs to know, so I guess the kissing will just have to
wait.

"Yeah, go on. I'm not going to promise anything." I say to Pierre. I am a
little weary about what he wants to know, but I will do my best to answer
his questions as long as they don't set me off again.

"What your dad did to you, is that why you... ahh... um?" Pierre
stutters. He doesn't want to embarrass me, but I know what he is referring
to.

"Wet the bed. Yes it is. I generally don't sleep which is the strange part
of it. I actually feel myself peeing in bed. I just can't get up or do
anything about it, as I'm paralysed in fear. Every night when everyone is
asleep he appears. I see him standing in the doorway all night. He never
goes away until morning." I explain to Pierre. He looks at me in complete
anguish. He feels the pain even worse knowing that my dad himself is my
nightmare. It isn't what my dad has done to me that cause my nightmares, it
is him.

"Oh, I'm sorry that you have to go through that." Pierre says. His voice is
as quite as a mouse, as he is shaken by everything that I have told him
today. It has been a lot of painful information for Pierre to hear, but he
has finally got me discussing my issues so wants to dig as deep as he can,
while he still has the chance.

"Look you have nothing to be sorry about. It wasn't you. You didn't even
know about it until today, so stop telling me how sorry you are. Anyway it
is because of you that I haven't been subject to that terror as of
late. Dad hasn't been standing in the doorway since you have been here. I
want to thank you for that." I tell Pierre sincerely. Since he has been in
my life my night terrors have gone away, which has allowed me to finally
get a good night's sleep, as well as not wetting the bed. He really has
been my miracle cure and I really am ecstatic about that.

"What about that time in the... ahh... toilet... was that related?" Pierre
asks yet again trying not to embarrass me about what has happened. I do
have to admit that this incident is rather embarrassing for me, so I am
glad he has tried not to offend me too much.

"Ahh yeah. Um... that is because I still can't stand seeing... um... you
now... that big ugly hairy thing between a man's legs. When I see it the
man sort of disappears and dad takes his place... and his thing... it gets
stiff. All I see is what happened that night... and my... and my body shuts
down as a result." I reply shuddering as I recall the hideous sight and the
associated nightmare.

I am surprising myself as somehow I am maintaining control of my emotions,
as normally I would be a drooling mess by now. It is really strange now
that I think about it, as I'm gay yet can't stand the sight of a
cock. Maybe Pierre can help me with that aspect too, when his grows as he
gets older then maybe I will become more accustomed to the sight
again. Pierre really has his hands full with me now that I think about it,
as I really am an emotional wreck, and he wants to try and help me. I
really hope he succeeds.

"Is your dad the reason you are under witness protection?" Pierre queries
me. I have been expecting this question to come up, so I am fully prepared
with the answer.

"Yes. When he got sentenced and sent to jail he didn't take it very
well. In jail he got paid back for what he did to me, and that really
pissed him off. He blames me and mum for what happened to him. He appealed
his sentence, and somehow managed to escape custody while they were taking
him to his hearing. He came straight after us, but was caught before he got
to where we were. He then made numerous death threats to us, which the
authorities became very concerned about. They offered us the protection so
we took it. The house we are in here is a safe house. They chose the
location because it is so small and discreet. The other advantage is there
is only one way in by road, so it seemed like the ideal location for a safe
house." I explain to Pierre. He looks concerned but understands that it is
probably safer us being here than anywhere else.

"Um... is it coz of that night that you have so much problems with your
mum?" Pierre asks me. He is really quiet as he is scared mum might hear
what he has just asked me. He really doesn't want to upset and offend my
mum so ensures his voice is only loud enough for me to here.

"Yes. Well mostly. If she had given dad what he wanted, then that terribly
painful event would never have happened. But I also blame her for staying
with the arsehole for so long. She knew what he was doing to me, but
covered up for him anyway. I hate her for everything, and especially for
not protecting me like she is supposed to." I say bluntly. I also say it
pretty loudly as I am sort of hoping that mum will hear what I am saying
about her. Pierre nods that he understands why I feel that way. He sort of
feels the same way about her too, but he knows he is a guest so can't
really say anything to her as much as he would like to.

"Um... one last question. What date did you say it happened on?" Pierre
asks me. I'm a little dumbfounded by this question as it is one that I
hadn't expected to come up. The date to me is the thing I try to forget
most, as I think if I can forget the day it happened on then surely I will
forget the whole incident all together.

"April the 24th. Why do you ask?" I reply. Pierre just gives me a look of
disbelief. I don't understand the look at all. What is so hard to believe
about the date? The date isn't anything special in fact it's almost the
total opposite. It is a day of unbearable pain, so why is Pierre struggling
to believe it.

"That was the day... the day of the... the accident which... um... killed
mum." Pierre stutters. His eyes are sort of glazed over as he remembers
that fateful day. It almost looks like he has gone into shock. He is away
in his own little world, but he isn't crying or shaking, he is just in a
trance. I am too, now that I know the importance of the date. I don't know
how I had missed it before, as it seemed to be staring at me in the face.

"Do you know what time it happened?" Pierre asks inquisitively. He really
doesn't know why he asked, but figures he might as well get as much
information out of me as possible. There could also be some connection but
he is doubtful, as it is too much of a coincidence it happening on the same
day.

"It was 9:58pm when the pain became too much and I passed out." I say
sombrely. I remember lying staring at the alarm clock on my beside table
wishing for the pain to end, which is why I know what the last time was
that I saw.

"I passed out at 11:58am during the crash. I happened to be looking at the
time when it all happened, so I didn't really see it coming." Pierre tells
me. There is a little tear in his eye, but he holds himself together. He is
a little disappointed as he thought that the time of our incidents may have
been connected too, but it doesn't look that way. He sighs at the thought
realising it is too good to be true. It really is all too coincidental.

I hear him sigh, and see the tear in his eye, so I immediately think he is
a little bit upset again from remembering about the accident. I give him a
tight hug and stroke his back trying to calm him. He doesn't need it but it
feels so good that he hugs me back. He reassures me that he is fine by
kissing me lovingly. Oh man, that feels so awesome that all I can do is
reciprocate the love.

Everything that has happen is quickly erased from our minds. It is replaced
by real love. It is a love that I have never experienced before, until I
had met Pierre. I want him and only him. The love I feel for him goes way
beyond what I feel for Callum, and when I think about it, it's a shame
because he is the only other person that I feel any love for. Our making
out has reached fever pitched, and we are trying to get as close to each
other as possible.

Pierre has rolled on top of my warm sweaty body, but he finds it hard to
stay there, as the slickness of our bodies keeps making him slide
around. He manages to control his sliding so that he is no longer sliding
off the side of me. Instead he is sliding up and down me causing that
strange tingling feeling to start to emanate from my groin. As I feel the
now familiar feeling of my little dick stiffening up, I am also starting to
notice Pierre's little sausage is poking into me.

We are still in a frenzy kissing, and our minds aren't thinking about
anything but the love we feel for the other. Instinctively I start to grind
my stiff little prick against Pierre's silky smooth sweaty body. He is
doing the same. The feelings are really starting to get intense, and our
heart rates increase along with the sensations. They get so intense that we
have to break the kiss, and both moan from the strange, scary but
pleasurable feelings our pricks are sending through our bodies.

I hear the door handle getting turned, so quickly push Pierre off, much to
both of our disappointment. Then I pull the sheet up over our naked sweaty
bodies, and made sure that our stiffies aren't visible. My heart is really
pounding now at yet again being so close to getting caught. The door cracks
open, and the spikey golden blonde hair of my brother tentatively starts to
show around the door. Eventually his whole face looks into the room, and he
gives us a surprised look. Our faces are flushed red, and sweaty, but what
surprises him is that I am awake and have a huge smile on my face.

"Oh Joshy, I'm so glad you're alright." Callum says, as he crashes the rest
of his way through the door, and races across the room to jump on me. He is
lying on top of me holding me for dear life.

"You had me so scared. I thought something bad had happened to you. Mum
told me not to come in because you would probably be grumpy, but I had to
see you, coz I was worried." Callum says and burst out crying. He buries
his head on my shoulder as he cries. My gut wrenches because I feel so
guilty for scaring him again. I never meant to upset him. I hate it when I
do things that make him worry, even if I can't physically help it. I give
him a tight hug and stroke his back.

"I'm sorry Callum. I didn't mean to scare you." I say to my sweet little
brother, as I try to sooth his fears. Callum is still too upset, and takes
a little while to calm down and respond.

"What happened, coz mum won't tell me?" Callum asks still sobbing. He moves
around a bit, and as a result I start to feel uncomfortable as he traps my
still stiff prick in a bad position. I try not to show my discomfort
because I don't want to scare him even more, so I try to put up with it and
hope my stiffie will soon deflate.


"I told Pierre about that last time that dad beat me." I reply. Callum nods
in understanding, as he remembers how I get when I recall that story. He
doesn't know the full story, and I feel that it is best for him not to. The
discomfort he is causing my dick is starting to become unbearable, so I
reach under the sheet to try to reposition it. I try to do so discreetly,
but Callum catches on.

"Oh... sorry... I thought I felt something stabbing me... I didn't know it
was that." Callum says sheepishly, as he feels me reposition my dick so
that it feels more comfortable. He still doesn't want to get off me or let
me go. He is still a little scared that if he lets me go something might
happen.

"It's alright Callum, you weren't to know. Anyway I'm fine now so you can
stop worrying about me." I say to my little brother, who was still holding
on for dear life. His grip loosens a little after I say it, but not a lot.

"I know, but you keep scaring me. I don't want to let you go just encase."
Callum says, and his tears start back up again. Pierre at this time is also
stroking my brothers back as he tries to sooth Callum's fears too. He hates
seeing my little brother so upset, just like I do. Pierre has become really
fond of the cute little boy clinging onto me like his life depends on it,
and is upset seeing him so scared of what happened to me.

"Callum, I know Josh keeps scaring you. I promise that while I am here I
will make sure he doesn't scare you again." Pierre says. His voice sounds
trustworthy and sincere. I feel Callum's grasp loosen even more, as he
turns to look at Pierre. Callum has forgotten that he is even in the room,
as he was so caught up in what had happened to me that he overlooked my
sexy boyfriend lying in the bed beside me. Callum gives him a warm smile
but is still reluctant to release his hold of me.

"Pierre, Callum dinners ready." Mum calls out she has done so in a soft
voice, as she doesn't realise that I have woken. Callum reluctantly
releases his grip on me, and gets off the bed. He is still a little scared
that something might happen to me while he is away. But he still leaves the
room to have his tea even if it is tearing his heart apart.

I try to get out of bed but my body doesn't want to cooperate. Usually when
I wake from a coma I go on a rampage till I run out of energy. This time
the circumstances haven't allowed me to do that, but my body has run out of
energy anyway. Pierre realising that I don't have the strength to get up
and changed knows that he had better help me out. He gets out of bed and
goes to my drawers and grabs the easiest thing he can find to put on me. It
is my really short grey rugby league shorts.

He pulls the sheet off of me, exposing my naked body. Pierre takes a really
long good look at my still stiff little package, before he struggles to
pull my shorts on. I help as much as I am physically able to by lifting my
butt off the bed. Pierre has also grabs a pair of my league shorts out for
himself, they are my black ones. He slides them up his smooth muscular legs
covering his tasty looking package, much to my disappointment.

Pierre can't be bothered putting a shirt on either of us. So he proceeds to
lift me out of bed. I try to help as much as I can, but I still felt like a
dead weight as far as Pierre is concerned. He doesn't complain as it is now
his turn to help me. He summons up all his strength as he hoists me out of
bed. Then he pulls one of my arms around his neck, which helps a lot in
supporting my weight. I am somehow able to provide assistance in the form
of walking, as we make our way out of the bedroom towards the lounge.

"Oh Josh I'm so glad to see you are awake again. I'm so sorry for what I
have allowed to happen, which has caused you so much pain. I really am
sorry." Mum says, as Pierre and I emerge into the lounge. She gets out of
her seat and rushes up to me, and gives me the tightest hug I have had from
her in a long time. Mum is crying now, overwhelmed by guilt. I am too tired
to say or do anything, and Pierre is struggling to continue to support my
weight. Mum hasn't helped his cause by hugging me either.

It almost becomes too much for Pierre, as I feel his grip weakening. Mum
must have noticed that I am starting to slip from Pierre's grasp, as she
releases me, and takes hold of my other arm to help Pierre get me to the
couch. Mum always seems to get emotional when I have an episode. It's just
a pity that she hasn't done anything much earlier to have prevented all of
this. Once they successfully get me seated on the couch, mum goes out to
the kitchen to get Pierre's and my dinner.

"You know, you need to find a better way of getting out of cooking dinner
than scaring us all half to death." Mum says as she hands us our
plates. She is trying to joke, but her voice is weak and wavering. Tears
are still running down her cheeks, as the feeling of guilt is yet to
subside. It is yet another one of those times where mum wishes that she
could wind back the clock and fix all her mistakes, but she knows it is
impossible which is what upsets her most.

I just take my plate and start to eat. There is no use in trying to say
anything as my words will all come out mumbled. I am far too tired now,
especially after my talk with Pierre and then with Callum. Pierre also
takes his plate and digs in. Callum is almost finished his tea, but he is
just looking over at me with the biggest smile on his face. He is so happy
to see me out of bed. I give him a weak smile back.

I am feeling a little annoyed as I eat my tea. I am really starting to wish
that I didn't have an episode. After all the hard work Pierre, Callum and I
have put in to catch the fish, mum has destroyed it with her cooking. I
would have done a much better job than she has, and as I eat the food we
have worked so hard to get, I am left feeling utterly disappointed. Pierre
and Callum have too much manners to complain, and I am too tired, so mum
never knows how badly she has killed our fish.

Callum finishes his tea first, and sets about cleaning up the kitchen. He
comes back and takes Pierre's plate from him once he has finished eating. I
struggle away. My chewing is really slow as I am so tired and weak, not to
mention that the fish is a bit tough. Pierre ends up feeding me himself as
I am having trouble even getting food onto my fork. He does a wonderful job
of feeding me too, as he breaks up all the food into easily edible pieces.

Mum, who has also finished eating, gives a disapproving look as Pierre
lovingly feeds me. She also isn't impressed as the whole time we have been
having tea Pierre has had an arm wrapped around me in a hug. She decides to
keep her mouth shut as I have already been through enough today. In her
mind she still cannot admit to herself that I am indeed gay, and that
Pierre is the best thing to come into my life. It is a real struggle for
her to even try to come to terms with it. But she won't allow herself to
accept it.

Once Pierre has put the last forkful into my mouth, Callum takes my plate
from him. He loads it into the dishwasher and sets it going. Callum knows
that I need to go back to bed, so he comes straight back to the couch and
takes an arm. Pierre takes the hint and stands up taking a hold of my other
arm, as they both lift me off the couch. They position me till they are
happy that they have my weight comfortably supported. Then they walk me
back to our bedroom and put me back in bed.

Callum gives me a loving kiss on the forehead before returning to the
lounge. Pierre on the other hand decides to stay with me. He strips off the
shorts that he has put on me. Then he shucks his own shorts, before
realising that the door is still open. So he closes the door and returns to
my bed, hops in and embraces me in a hug. I am fast asleep before he has
even closed the door.

Pierre just sighs loudly. It is in relief at seeing me in a peaceful sleep,
but he is also feeling a little disappointed with the way the day has
turned out, especially after what had been such an enjoyable start. He is
glad to finally get to the root of all my problems, but wishes he could
have done so without having caused such a severe reaction. He snuggles his
naked body into me as close as he can, and promptly falls asleep himself. I
have inadvertently tired him out, as he spent so much energy looking after
me.

***

"Mum, I think Josh has lost control at the other end too." Callum says
softly. His voice has an unusual nasal sound to it, like his nose is
blocked. It is, as he has his nostrils clamped shut with his fingers. He is
attempting to block out the stench that is starting to waft through the
car.

`Shit' mum mutters under her breath. She pushes the car a little faster as
she speeds through the city streets trying to get to the store as quickly
as possible. `Hopefully there are no speed cameras, or cops on the way.'
She thinks to herself. She figures that given my current state she can get
away with speeding if a cop pulls her up, but there will be no getting out
of a speed camera fine.

The smell is starting to dominate the whole interior of the car. Sarah is
now blocking her nose as well. She is now feeling even guiltier about the
way she had acted as soon as she got in the car. She wishes that she could
take it all back. It is still impossible for her to believe that dad has
done such a thing to me, but how else can she explain away my intense
reaction about it. She can't and knowing that her father isn't the man that
she thought he was, is killing her. As a result she hasn't stopped crying
since I went into shock, her emotions are in complete tatters.

We finally make it to Manukau, and the big red steel building that is what
all The Warehouse's look like. The Warehouse is a cheap style department
store, aimed for low income families. The main reason mum has decided to go
here is that they have everything that she is going to need. Mum travels
around the car park in search of one that is empty. It takes her a while as
the place seems to be unusually busy. She finds an empty park, and quickly
pulls into it.

"Right I need you to get him a new shirt and pants. I will also need a
couple of towels at least, as I'm going to have to dry out the seat. I
can't have him sitting in a wet seat for the rest of the trip... Oh and one
more thing it will pay to pick up some Dry Nites, just to avoid another
potential accident." Mum tells Sarah, as she gets out of the car.

"What size?" Sarah asks mum, as it has been so long since she has last
lived with us that she doesn't know what I fit anymore. Although she never
really knew before as she didn't have to buy my clothes, but Sarah just
wants to make sure she doesn't buy clothes which are too small for me.

"Just get sized 12, as he is a pretty average build, so they should fit. If
it doesn't I can fix it up later. Here take my card. The pin is 48613. Got
that?" Mum replies to Sarah.

"Got it." Sarah calls back, as she runs to the store and goes inside. She
feels that she has to do this as quickly as possible, as the guilt for
getting me in this state is still overwhelming her. She tears through the
shop searching for all the items that she needs to get. She locates
everything in record time, and then races to the checkout to pay for
everything. It's a good thing that she has a good memory otherwise she
would have forgotten the pin mum had given her by now.

With the stench even more over powering, due to the car sitting stationary,
mum gets out of the car. She leans on the roof, and for the first time
since I have gone into my trauma induced coma, she breaks down
completely. She leans against the roof of the car with her head buried in
her hands, and cries. She cries so hard that Callum can hear her clearly
from inside the car. The guilt is back with vengeance, and what makes it
worse is that I have never got this bad before.

My trauma has never made me lose complete control of my bodily functions
until now. Sure I have pissed myself numerous times, but this is the first
time I have shat myself. Mum is starting to wonder as to whether I'm this
bad because of what happened to Pierre, but it again is something that she
can't fix. At the same time, even if she could fix it she still doesn't
want to.

Even though Callum can hear mum crying, and the stench inside the car is
really overpowering, he decides to stay with me. He just can't bear to
leave me alone in this state, as he knows that I would feel the same if it
was him. So he tries to ignore mum's crying, as well as the smell, and just
tries to comfort me as best as he can. He is really concerned though, as he
has never seen me this bad. I seem to be more out to it this time, Callum
thinks to himself. It scares him, as he knows that there is more wrong than
just reliving the things dad had done to me. He too wonders whether my
severe reaction has something to do with Pierre.

"I got all the stuff you wanted, plus some wet wipes and a plastic bag."
Sarah says to mum, as she returns to the car. Her face is red and she is
panting from the exertion of having just run pretty much through the whole
entire store. She doesn't care as it is her fault anyway, and well she
deserves to do all the hard work. She looks a little concerned seeing mum
crying on the roof of the car, but knows how tough all this must be on her.

"Thank you, now get in the car. We can't fix him up here, as he will be
humiliated enough when he finds out what he did." Mum says to my
sister. She is still trying to regain control over her emotions, so as a
result her voice is wavering all over the place. She takes a couple a
really deep breathes in and out, trying to get herself back under
control. To a certain extent it works, but the guilt is still there slowly
gnawing away at her defences.

Mum gets back into the car, and belts up. Sarah does the same but keeps
hold of the bag so that she can get to it quickly when the time comes to
fix me up. Mum starts the car, and backs out of the park. She takes off a
little faster than she intends to do, causing the tyres of the car to
squeal in protest. We leave the vast asphalt of parked cars, and cruise
through the streets of Manukau, in search of a quiet little park that has a
decent looking toilet block.

It takes mum till we get to Papakura, the southernmost suburb of the city
of Auckland, to find a decent park. The toilet block looks pretty modern
and inviting, and there are few other people around, so they can get me
into the toilet block without anyone noticing. Mum parks the car as close
to the toilets as she possibly can. The toilets are now within a hundred
metres of where the car sits. She applies the park break and shuts off the
engine.

"Callum, why don't you go have a little play while your sister and I sort
your brother out." Mum says to my little brother. He looks dejected at the
prospect, as he really doesn't want to leave me with anyone. He wants to be
there to ensure nothing bad happens to me, as he feels it is the least he
can do for me, especially after all the times I have protected him.

"Look I would like to let you help, but it wouldn't be a good look for you
to be in the women's toilets as well. I'm sure that Josh would prefer you
to have a little fun, so that you don't see the true state that he is in."
Mum says to Callum. She has picked up on his reluctance to leave me, so
thinks that she had better find an excuse to get him away. She knows that
he will do his best to help, but will most likely get in the way. He really
has a heart of gold, but he tries to do too much at times and as a result
just interferes with everyone.

Callum sighs. He is still torn in two, even after what mum has just said to
him. But he doesn't want to get told off, so he lets go of me and gets out
of the car. He saunters off towards the playground, with his head hung low
like he is getting severely punished for doing something wrong. It would
have been a funny sight to see, as most 9 year olds are thrilled to be
allowed to play at the playground. But Callum makes it look like he is
getting tortured by playing there. In a way I suppose he feels like it is
torture getting forced to go play, while mum and my sister clean me
up. Callum plunks himself down on a swing, and half-heartedly starts
swinging.

"That is so sad. You would think that he would be thrilled to bits to be
allowed to play." Sarah says, as she hops out of the car. It isn't really
to anyone in particular, but mum hears what she has said. Mum has already
got out of the car, while she was trying to persuade Callum to play for a
bit.

"Callum loves Josh too much. They have become really close since this all
started about 5 years ago. As far as Josh has been concerned Callum is the
only family he has. He blames me too much for what has happened to him. I
can't really blame him for thinking that way either. And you two have never
really been that close. Even before you started to blame him for
everything, you still weren't that close. You sort of used to tolerate each
other. So you can see why Callum is so reluctant to leave Josh. Those two
have been the best of buddies for a long time." Mum tells Sarah. Her
emotions take control again and she starts to bawl her eyes out. My sister
gives her a warm hug, as she is now starting to understand how bad things
have really been for us.

"I'm so sorry, but it isn't your fault. Josh will one day realise that
too." Sarah says to mum. She is now in tears as well, but really does
believe that one day I will see sense. Mum isn't so sure, but is still
grateful for Sarah's reassurance, as she has been on her own for a long
time now and it is really starting to take its toll. The constant arguments
and guilt trips are slowly driving mum crazy, but she really does love me
so won't let me go, even when I get really out of control.

"I'll go take quick look to make sure that no one is currently using the
toilets." Sarah tells mum. She releases her grasp on mum, and then runs off
and enters the women's toilets. Taking a quick look around she is pleased
with what she sees. The cubicles all have their doors wide open indicating
that they are all empty. The whole inside also looks really clean which
impresses my sister more, as it's not often you find public toilets that
look this clean. The thing that impresses her most is there is a lock on
the main entrance to the toilet, which will enable them to clean me up
without the fear of having someone barge in to use the toilet.

"They're empty and there is a lock on the door, so no one will be able to
intrude while we fix up Josh." Sarah tells mum as she runs back to her. She
is panting again as she isn't used to doing so much running or exercise in
general. But she feels that she owes me big time, so it is the least she
could do for me.

"Good, we'll just have to wait for this elderly couple who are walking
their dog. Then the coast should be clear. You got the bag?" Mum asks. She
has got back into control of her emotions thankfully as otherwise she
probably wouldn't have noticed the elderly couple and just gone straight
ahead to try and clean me up. I can just feel lucky that they think about
me so much, as I would have expected them to put my humiliation last, in
order to get me cleaned up so they can get back on the road quicker.

"I'll just go get it." Sarah says and goes back to the seat that she had
been sitting in and picks the bag up off the seat. She then slams the door
closed, and goes around the car to do the same with mum's door. Mum is
opening up my door so that once the coast is clear she can get me out
quickly. Sarah walks around the car and joins her.

They are starting to get a bit impatient as the elderly couple seem to take
forever to clear the area. Once they are a safe distance away mum takes my
arm and gently lifts me out of the car. Once I am out Sarah quickly grabs
my other arm, and slings it around her shoulders. They then carry my
lifeless smelly body towards the toilets.

Once in the women's toilets they gently lower me onto the ground. Sarah
quickly locks the door so that no one else can come in. Mum spreads out one
of the towels that she had Sarah get, whilst she went shopping. Once the
towel is properly laid out they roll me onto it, so that I don't get cold
from lying on the cool concrete floor. Then they start to strip me.

I am a complete mess, as shit is covering everything. Thankfully I have no
idea of any of this otherwise I would have been mortified. There also would
have been no way in hell that I would have ever let my sister see me like
this. But being comatose still I really have no choice. I can't protest, as
I don't even know what is happening. It is the most horrible feeling in the
world when you know something bad is happening but you are powerless to
stop it. I may not have been conscious but I still know I have done
something bad.

The smell is ten times worse now that I have no clothes on. Mum gags as a
result of the stench. She had thought that her days of cleaning up shitty
bottoms were over, as we grew up. How wrong she was. Sarah also gags from
the smell, but continues to help me out. It is her fault anyway, and she
knows it. She will put up with the terrible stench because if it wasn't for
her then I wouldn't be this way. She really does feel horrible for the way
she has treated me and is going to start trying to put things right,
starting from now.

"I'm going to have to leave this to you. I can't handle the smell. Anyway
it will be good practice for when you have kids of your own." Mum tells
Sarah. She stands up and walks a short distance away. She is far enough
that the smell is at least bearable so she can at least keep an eye on
me. Even with how bad the smell is she can't bring herself to leave me, as
she feels that she is protecting me by being there. It is something she
hasn't been very successful doing so she is now trying to make amends.

Sarah doesn't complain, just sets herself to work. She empties the plastic
bag and shoves my shitty clothes into it. Then she sets about cleaning me
up using the wet wipes that she has got. It is hard work and a bit
embarrassing for her. She is a bit tentative because she knows the she is
going to have to clean up my little dick. She has never seen it before, let
alone the fact that she is now going to have to touch her little brother's
penis. It is something that she never imagined that she would have to do,
and it feels a bit wrong and dirty.

"Wow! He's a bit small isn't he." Sarah comments now that she has my dick
clean enough to see. Even though she knows it isn't the sort of thing that
she should be doing, she can't help but take a good look at my little
package. She hasn't seen many boys' naked, well to be precise she hasn't
seen any boy naked so seeing my little dick is something new to her. But
yet she somehow still knows that I am small for my age, she isn't sure how
but she knows.

"Yeah, I know. He hasn't hit puberty yet. And by the looks of it, he's
still a while away. I just hope he doesn't get teased about it, as it will
ruin him I'm sure." Mum says back. She then takes a deep breath as she
knows it is just another problem I have in my life. My size has never
bothered me though, and I have never been hassled about it, so she really
has nothing to worry about.

"I know what you mean. Kids can be cruel like that. It is kind of cute
though." Sarah says. Her face flushes red in embarrassment, as she can't
believe what she has just said. The fact that she is talking about her on
brother's penis doesn't help her embarrassment either. I'm lucky I didn't
hear her otherwise I would have died instantly with shame. My sister
commenting on my little dickie is something I really couldn't handle, even
if she is being kind.

Mum doesn't say anything to Sarah's comment. She doesn't want to embarrass
her any further, plus she also thinks that I look cute. She is now able to
handle the smell a bit better, so sets about giving my sister a hand to
clean me up. Before long they have my front half clean. They roll me over,
while making sure I stay on the towel, and set out cleaning up the back of
me.

"Holy shit! He really did do it. I can't believe that fuck head. How could
he do such a thing?" Sarah says out loud. She is now crying again as she
looks at the heavy scarring around my anus. It is the final proof that she
needs to fully believe what she has been told. There is no doubt in her
mind about it anymore. Dad had indeed raped me. Her mind is spinning as she
tries to understand how he could do such a thing, as he had always seemed
to be kind and caring, not the monster it turns out he is.

"Yes he did do it. I told you that. I suppose now you will finally
understand the pain he has been through." Mum replies soberly. It is an
image that she struggles to get rid of, and she has really been hoping that
the scarring would heal and disappear. It doesn't look like that is ever
going to happen, as it looks as bad as the day I was released from
hospital. She starts crying again, as the guilt just won't go away. It
keeps eating away at her from the inside no matter how hard she tries to
ignore it. It is still there waiting for the right moment to strike again.

Sarah gives mum another comforting hug. She really wishes now that she had
known the truth all the way through. We could have avoided this if she had
just known. She can understand why I hadn't told her, but her mother, she
should have told her right from the get go. Even if Sarah wasn't going to
believe it at time, after enough persuasion she knows that she would have
eventually listened.

Sarah finishes cleaning me up. Mum is again too much of a wreck to
help. The whole episode has really hit home, and she really knows how much
she has failed me as a mother. The worst part is she still has another deep
dark secret that she hopes I will never find out about. She knows that if I
do then that will probably be it for us. She is scared and shaking, as
Sarah continues to fix me up.

She puts on the clothes that she has bought for me. It is a struggle as mum
doesn't help her one bit, and neither do I. She somehow manages to pull on
my diaper, and plain black mid-length shorts. Then after a massive struggle
she has put on a plain blue tee shirt over my torso. She stands back and
admires the results. 'Not bad' she thinks, especially given the
circumstances. Mum now back in control of her emotions all over again helps
Sarah pick me up. Sarah of course unlocks the door first, and disposes of
the towel into the plastic bag before tying the handles to shut the bag,
and throwing it in the rubbish bin inside the toilets. She doesn't know
what else to do with it, and that seems like the most logical solution to
the problem, so goes with the easiest option.

They carry me out of the toilet and back to the car. They sit me in the
seat Callum had been using and use the remaining towels to try and dry off
the seat that I had been in. Once satisfied that they can no longer dry it
off anymore, they drape one of the towels over the seat. Mum calls out to
Callum, who comes back quick as a flash. He sees that I am in his seat so
skirts around the car and comes in the other door and then sits in the
middle cuddling up to me as best as he can. Sarah and mum can do nothing
more but smile at Callum, as they both admire how close he is to me.

"Right we need to get out of here. But we've still got one huge problem to
contend with, and I don't know how to go about it." Mum tells Sarah and
Callum. Callum instinctively knows what the problem mum is referring about
is, as he remembers the warning he got when Pierre had set me off. But
Sarah has no idea about the coming storm.

"What problem is that?" Sarah asks. She is totally confused as she thinks
that the biggest problem was cleaning me up. She figures that I can't be
too bad as mum isn't taking me to the hospital, so what could be the big
problem then? She is really baffled by it, and can't come up with an answer
herself.

"When Josh wakes up he is going to go berserk. His brain doesn't function
properly as he comes out of the coma. So he gets really angry. I mean
really angry, so much so that neither you nor I should be around him." Mum
states seriously. Sarah looks really worried hearing this. But what seems
strange is that she isn't worried about Callum. How could she forget about
him, or is there something else she hasn't told her, Sarah wonders.

"What about Callum? Shouldn't he have to get away from him too?" Sarah asks
concerned about her littlest brother's safety, as she really doesn't want
him to get hurt too as a result of the way she acted. She is feeling guilty
enough as it is let alone having Callum also on her mind.

"No, remember what I said to you before. Josh would never hurt him, and
even when he comes out of these coma's he still makes sure that Callum
never gets hurt." Mum tells Sarah. Sarah's face shows a lot of admiration
towards Callum. She can't believe how much we mean to each other, but she
is happy for us. She just wishes that all of us siblings could be that
close, but she knows that she has screwed that up. Now she is just hoping
to be able to mend things somehow.

Mum starts up the car again and we head on our way. She still has all the
windows wound right down to try and get rid of the remaining stench that
fills the car. We wind our way through the suburb of Papakura back towards
the motorway. Papakura is a mix of housing. Some of it is still the old
state housing which dominates South Auckland. But there is quite a lot of
new builds around, as the city continues to grow and sprawl to the
south. Every time we come back here the city seems to have grown a lot,
with most of the expansion happening at the northern and southern ends of
the urban sprawl. Auckland takes up so much land that it is something like
the 5th largest city in the world by terms of area.

Once back on the motorway mum continues to head south. We climb the steep
incline of the Bombay hills and down the other side into the vast rolling
pasture land of the Waikato. Scenery wise the Waikato is pretty boring
unless you like lots of green pastures and cows. It is a major dairy
farming region in the country, and snaking its way through the region is
the longest river in New Zealand. The aptly named Waikato River starts its
long journey from Lake Taupo in the approximate centre of the island, all
the way to Port Waikato where it empties into the sea, some 420 km from the
source.

I am still comatose all the way through the northern part of the Waikato. I
still haven't come to as we travel through Hamilton the regions only major
city. The traffic through the city is slow, and there is a steady stream of
cars and trucks rolling around the place no matter where you seem to
be. The main road through the city is a joke and hasn't been thought
through properly. They have tried to make it go around the CBD, but created
an absolute mess in the process. It is a horrible city to drive through,
but until they build the eastern bypass road all you can do is put up with
it.

No one has said anything since we had left Papakura. Callum has fallen
asleep again. Sarah is too lost in her thoughts to talk, and mum is too
busy trying to concentrate on the road. She drives through Hamilton until
we get to the turn off for State Highway 3, which she takes and we continue
in a southwest direction. All the way from Taupo bay to here we had been on
State Highway 1, so for mum it is a refreshing change to be on a different
road.

It isn't long after we have been through the small town of Te Awamutu when
I finally show signs of coming to. Callum is awake again, as they had
stopped in the town for an ice cream. He has sensed me starting to wake. He
scoots over to confirm what he thinks, and looking at my eyelids he can see
them starting to flutter. It is the sign mum has not been looking forward
to, as she still hasn't thought of an appropriate place to take me. She
can't think of anywhere suitable. Mum has considered taking me to a motel,
but knows that I will probably get in big trouble for wilful damage. That
is the major problem she faces, is that she knows that wherever I am I will
tear the place apart.

"Mum, Josh is starting to wake up." Callum says a little tentatively. He
knows that mum doesn't want to hear that so is a little scared when telling
her. He doesn't know what the big deal is as he never has any trouble with
me, so can't quite understand how much different things are for everyone
else.

"Shit! There is nowhere to pull over." Mum says. The highway we are on is
just a dual carriageway with little room off the side to park a car without
blocking the road. There are also broken yellow lines along the edge of the
road to indicate that it is a no stopping area, due to many blind corners
making it hard to see a parked car. It really isn't a good road for a
breakdown or any other emergency which requires you to stop, but that is
the nature of a lot of New Zealand's roads.

"Look there is a picnic area another 200 meters up the road." Sarah says
after seeing a blue sign on the side of the road indicating a rest area
ahead.

Mum starts to slow the car while indicating to turn into the picnic area. I
am starting to wake properly by this stage. My eyes are open but still
struggling to focus. My mind is telling me that I am in a really bad
mood. I start to sit up and look around. As my eyes start to focus I see
Callum hugging me. The next thing I see almost makes me flip out straight
away. My sister is still in the car. She has made me like this, so seeing
her makes me angrier than I was before. If I didn't have Callum beside me
then I really would have lost it. I probably would have tried to beat the
shit out of her, well at least the car would have taken a beating, but with
Callum here I just can't do it. I can't let him see my anger, as it will
remind him of dad, and I can't do that to him.

Mum pulls into the picnic area. It isn't a lot to look at. It is just a few
trees and a couple of wooden picnic tables, but it is tidy with no rubbish
anywhere. There is a little dirt track through the middle of it which cars
use to access the area as it loops back to the road. Otherwise there really
isn't anything here, there are no toilets or anything, but it is just a
rest area so you can't really expect a lot.

I am starting to feel suffocated at not being able to vent my
frustrations. My breathing is shallow and weak, and my body is trembling
from built up aggression and adrenalin. I have to get out of the car and
fast. I undo my seatbelt and open the car door. Mum has to slam on the
breaks when she hears the door open, sending the car skidding to a stop,
leaving a trail of dust which quickly envelopes the car. I jump out as soon
as I have the door open, but thankfully for my sake mum has stopped the car
in time so I don't hurt myself.

I run, and run. I want to get as far away from everyone as possible. I jump
a wire fence at the back of the picnic area and into the neighbouring
farm. Once I clear the fence I run through the grassy pasture. I climb a
little hill and run down the other side, almost stumbling and taking a fall
a couple of times, due to the uneven ground. But I keep running trying to
put as much distance between me and my former life as possible. I really am
trying to run away from my past as I'm sick of the way it keeps ruling my
life.

 ************

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