Date: Mon, 04 Nov 2002 21:23:12 -0500
From: eddie thebum <eddie_the_bum@hotmail.com>
Subject: With Love to Alex

(Eric's perspective)

The first time I saw him was with my sister. He was one of her many
boyfriends, don't get me wrong I didn't hate her. But she was always with
some boy. And I was always stuck being with her. I guess that kept me out
of mom's way. So anyway I'm standing in this arcade and in he walks. He
looked about 14, 5'5" about 100 pounds. He had medium length brown hair and
brown eyes. He was just beautiful, but I knew he wouldn't ever even think
of looking at me he was straight and even if he wasn't I knew he wouldn't
ever go out with someone like me. By the way I'm Eric and I'm 13, I've
known I was different from the other boys for about two years now. I am
gay, it doesn't bother me too much unless Candy is jerking me around or
making me the laughing stock of all her friends. But the worst thing of all
is being alone...I just want someone that I can be with and talk to just
for me. You know like a special friend just mine no one else's. So in he
walks Candy is her usual loud self shouting to people and clinging to this
guy, God what was his name...

I knew from the moment she started dating him I wanted to know him. He'd
already fueled several late night jerk off fantasies and now I was almost
obsessing over finding out as much as I could about him. I would have given
anything to just talk to him without Candy and the rest around but I never
had the chance. I did get the nerve up to walk over to him once, but Candy
was right there in a minute. I got her usual "hands off fag he's mine
look". I hated those looks I knew if I stepped out of line just a little
she'd let everyone know about me and in our neighborhood that was as good
as a death sentence. You see we lived in the kind of neighborhood that was
run on how tough you were and how much ass you could beat up. I didn't like
to fight hell, I didn't know how. So I always hung with my sister at least
then she had these guys always around so I kind of felt safe.

So where was I...Oh yeah. Well about 3 weeks into their love affair he
shows up at our house. I was there alone man I almost jumped when I heard
the door. I told him she was out but she might be back in a bit and that he
was welcome to wait.  I don't remember what we talked about but I know I
was hooked and wanted him for myself. I would have done anything to keep
him there.

It was odd after that he started coming over even when Candy wasn't home
and just hanging out. I'm not complaining mind you...Just wasn't sure how
to deal with the boy of my dreams being there. Even in public, he would
come over and say hi to me, which got me a lot of shit at home from Candy.
But it was worth it. Hell I'd have taken an ass beating from every tough in
our neighborhood just to be with him and have him talk to me.

We lived near a beach and when I needed to think I would go there and walk
and be alone. One night I was walking and there he was...sitting there and
it looked like he'd been crying. I wasn't sure about even saying anything
but I couldn't help myself. Mom always said I was over sensitive to others
needs. I wasn't sure what she meant but I'm sure it was a good thing. So I
spoke..."Hi are you ok?" He looked up at me and in that brief instance I
knew...I knew I wanted to know him, be with him, do anything I could to
make him feel better. He said, "Yeah, I'm fine" three words but more than
that it was acknowledgement, he knew I existed and that I was real. "Mind
if I sit down?" I asked. "It's a free beach!". He almost scared me when he
spoke again. I was almost ready to say to hell with it. But I sat down
anyway. "Hi, I'm Eric". He just stared into the water and said nothing. I
don't know why but I reached out and touched his arm. "You want to talk
about it?" I said almost dreading his answer. "Not really". Was all he
said.  I didn't know what to say next so I just sat there quiet and
wondered why this boy the object of my desire was sitting here like he'd
lost everything and then he spoke...And man did he speak.

     He must have talked for about an hour and a half. He told me how his
dad would yell and knock him around, "to toughen him up" he said. I was
almost mad enough to go beat his dad myself but I knew that was just
stupid.  He was crying and I'm not sure when but I put my arm around him
and then we were hugging and then it happened...I kissed him. Not just a
kiss but a life altering, you know you've just done something that will
forever change the way you look at things for the rest of time kiss. Holy
shit what was I thinking, this was Candys' boyfriend and I just kissed him
oh god I was so dead he'd kill me or worse tell everyone in the
neighborhood what I had done. I started to get up and run but he beat me to
it. "I've got to go ...my dad will kick my ass if I'm late again". And he
got up and left never said a word about the kiss or what he thought. I
walked around in a daze for the rest of the week. I avoided everyone at the
arcade I almost stayed home a couple of those days. I just knew I would be
dead if he showed up. God what had I done I'd kissed another boy it even
sounded wrong to me but it felt so right.

    So, there I was sitting at the back of the arcade and just wanting to
melt into the floor and disappear. And I felt someone tap me on the
shoulder. It was him. He said hi and asked if we could meet again that
night to talk some more. I said, "yes when", "I'll have to sneak out, it
will be late." He replied. I agreed to meet him and he walked away. I
walked around in a dream the rest of the day. I couldn't wait till that
night. I wasn't sure what to think or do but all I wanted was to be next to
him one more time even if he beat the hell out of me and left me there to
die. I would get to see him alone, one more time. I wanted to look my
best. Whether I lived or died I wanted myself to be dressed just right. I
decided a pair of swimming trunks and a t-shirt would be fine and my deck
shoes.  God, what would he say, what would he do. Would he kick my ass,
would he tell me if I ever did it again I'd be dead meat or would he tell
me he'd told the whole neighborhood about me and that I should just run
away and never come back. I didn't care I just had to see him. I struggled
through dinner, and had to endure the taunts and jibes of Candy. But it was
worth it to get one more chance to see him.

   I didn't think he'd ever show I had been sitting there for over an
hour. Ok yes, I left early I couldn't help it. He walked up and sat
down. "Hey..." "Hey yourself". That was it for about 15 minutes. I couldn't
take it anymore I had to say something..."I'm sorry about last night, I
didn't mean to...". He stopped me in mid sentence and kissed me. I don't
even think I took a single breath while our tongues wrestled for what
seemed like hours. I felt my self-getting hard and wondered if he did
too. I had to know if he was feeling what I felt. I slowly moved my hand
down his shirt and felt his chest he wasn't overly muscled but he had some
definition. Slowly I reached his waistband and stopped. Was that a moan? No
way...it couldn't have been. My mind raced was it my imagination or did the
boy of my dreams just give me a non-verbal go ahead. I didn't care I was
too far-gone. I moved my hand to the front of his shorts and my heart
stopped. He was hard! The more I massaged him the more he moaned into my
mouth. God if I die now I die happy. I eagerly reached for the button of
his jean shorts and popped it open and worked the zipper down. I could feel
him press into my hand and urge me on.

   Oh God what was I doing...this isn't right he's going to beat the hell
out of me I know it. But I couldn't stop. I had to go on. I reached into
his shorts and felt his hardness didn't feel much bigger than my own but to
me it was the "Holy Grail" and I had found it. I moved my other hand down
and slowly slid his shorts down he pushed against me again and then he
broke our kiss...I froze with fear. What now I looked up and down the beach
and saw no one. He spoke "I have to go" and he pulled up his shorts and
walked away. I was dying what had I done how could I have been so stupid to
think he wanted me. I sat down and began to cry. The thoughts of how easy
dying would be I could just walk out into the surf and the undertow would
do the rest. But I didn't I just sat there crying and thinking about the
events of the night.


   It seemed like months before I saw him again. It was actually only about
a week. I had been in a daze what had happened where was I hell...who was
I? I was sitting at home one afternoon and someone knocked on my door. I
didn't even feel like opening it but they were persistent and kept on so, I
got up and went to the door I looked out through the peephole and almost
shit...He was at my house. I knew he'd never been there with Candy it had
to be a mirage figment of my imagination. I wiped my eyes and looked again
he was there. I opened the door slowly not knowing what to expect. Was he
here to finally beat me up? Surely he wouldn't in my own house. I kept my
hand on the knob while he spoke. "Hey where you been hiding out"? "Thought
you dropped off the earth or something". I stammered something about not
feeling good and taking a rest for a few days. He asked if he could come in
and I said sure. I asked him if he'd like something to drink and he said
anything would be fine. After getting us some sprite I asked what he
wanted. "I wanted to see you," he said. "Why"? I asked. He didn't say
anything for a while but when he spoke he said he was wondering about the
other night and if I was freaked out or anything...I lied. I told him no
that I was fine and figured he was freaked.

  He assured me that he was fine and that if I wanted we could meet again
anytime and talk. I was thrilled about it and we did meet several nights a
week. This lasted for about two months and then one night when we met he
told me that he was moving back to where they lived and that they'd decided
to live there and his dad would commute. I was devastated I thought my life
was over my world crushed in one swift breath. I didn't know what to say
other than that I would try to keep in touch...We all know how that works
when your 13. I did write some letters but I never had the nerve to send
them. And after all these years I still have them and wish I had the nerve
to send them. I don't know what ever happened to him but to me he is and
always will be my first love.


I wrote this for a friend and for a man I know is out there somewhere. I
hope you read this and remember the beach and the boy who really regrets
some of his decisions and hopes that you will find him. I know the chance
of that is truly one in a million but I have a friend who needs to know
that you are ok. I don't know how to end this other than to say...

WITH LOVE TO YOU "A"

Hope I did well