Date: Thu, 03 May 2001 14:17:45 -0500
From: fsw99 <fsw99@pop.mindspring.com>
Subject: Chapter One of "You Can't Go Back"

Legal Notice: The following story contains descriptions of graphic sexual acts.

 Don't read this story if: **You're not 18 or over,
**If it is illegal to read this type of material where you live,
**Or if you don't want to read about gay/bi people in love or having sex.

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			     You Can't Go Back

				  By Stan

(First, this is a true story as told to me by Dave. Dave was 12 when this
happened, so he doesn't remember all of the events, so I have to make up
some things. I will keep it as close to truth as I can. This happened
almost ten years ago, but it will be told in flashbacks and mingled in with
true events that happen to our group of young gay guys (and one old gay
guy, me). Or, things that have already happened that we are still dealing
with. I hope you enjoy this method of telling a story. I've never tried
anything like this before. If you are looking for lots of sex in the story,
better look elsewhere. This is more real life stuff. Sorry!

If you are curious about our group, we have our own web site. It is at
www.gayfreezone.homestead.com. Feel free to check us out. If you are a
young gay guy with problems, we are still accepting new members.)

				Chapter One

"No, Bruce!!! DON'T!!!" And then I woke up. I didn't really know if I had
yelled out loud, or only yelled in my dream. My parents didn't come into my
room, so it must have just been in the dream. Since I have nightmares so
often, it could have been either, really.

I was fully awake, but I wasn't ready to get up yet. I started thinking
about what I needed to add to our web site and some of our group's current
problems. Problems, you ask? What kind of problems could a group of in the
closet young gay guys have, right? Please! How much time do you have?

None of this makes any sense, does it? I guess I'd better explain. It's
kind of a complicated story.  My name is Dave. I am 22 and gay.

Stan wrote a story called "Matt and Mike". It is in Young Friends dated
3/24/00, if you are interested. It is a really sad story about everything
that changed both Matt and Mike's life. Matt and Mike told him all about
their story and then he wrote it. It is a true story. While he was writing
it, he started asking reader's ages who e-mailed him. He started a pen pal
club for M&M, and the club started growing.

He then wrote "One Big Happy Family", also in Young Friends dated
11/24/00. It was a made up story with all the characters being members of
the pen pal club. I read this story first, which led me to the "Matt and
Mike" story. After reading both of them, I wrote Stan and asked if I could
also join. I also asked him to write my story, and this is the result of
it.

The pen pal club has kind of evolved into a support group for all the
members. Because of my past, I really try and help any gay guy I can, and
this group was exactly what I was looking for. I was thinking about our
group, when I fell back asleep. This time, it was about how Bruce and I
met.

**************************************

I was almost 12 when my father had what I thought was a totally crazy idea
and decided to move my whole family from Reading, Pennsylvania to a small
town of 500 people in South Dakota named Littleton. I went from being a
city boy to being a country boy on a horse farm (without any horses when we
moved in). No other kids my age anywhere near. Only siblings were my
brother Fred, who was 7 years older than I was, and my sister Lisa, 4 years
older. Fred and I didn't exactly get along very well, to say the
least. Very depressing thought, at first.

We had several weeks to get the farm in shape and buy horses before school
started. Oh, great.  No playing with my friends. No good times. Just lots
of work that I wasn't used to. I was actually looking forward to summer
vacation ending and school starting, a first for me.

Well, I guess that isn't totally true. When we did get to buy some horses,
it was fun to be able to ride them and get them to come up to you for a
sugar cube treat. Maybe I wouldn't hate this farm life after all.

One we got all the fences repaired, the barn cleaned out, and the horses in
our pasture, there wasn't as much work to do as I first feared. Unless it
was cold, the horses could stay out over night in the pasture and all we
had to do was feed them. They did need riding every other day or so, but
that was more fun than work. I was almost ready to start singing "Thank God
I'm A Country Boy". Nope! I hate John Denver. Hehehe He's worse than Sting
and the Police!!! (For you, Phill!!! - hehehehe)

Anyway, the ranch was down to minimal work when all of us started to
school. I still didn't know anyone my age when I first walked into my
classroom. I was really nervous having to walk in, not knowing anybody, and
to top it off, it was my birthday! Happy fucking birthday to me!!!

My 6th grade class was the largest in the history of Littleton. 22
students. That may not seem huge, but it was for a population of 500 in the
whole town. Our school building was for grades 1-12. We weren't big enough
for an elementary, middle and high school. I guess we were lucky to have
what we had.

Anyway, no changing classrooms and having different teachers like last year
in middle school.  One room, one teacher, one desk, all day, every
day. Only time we got to leave was for lunch and PE. And to go home. Guess
which I liked more?

Ok, I did like lunch. I was about 5 foot even and about 110 pounds. A
little over weight, not much, but I did have a little bit of a stomach. And
I did like to eat. Still do. Hehehe

Anyway, no one was nasty to me, but everyone kind of stayed away from me
and talked to all of their friends. They had all known each other from the
first grade up, so I guess that is what I had to expect. I was an
outsider. City boy. I wasn't going to accepted right away and I knew it.

The one boy who did talk to me some was named Bruce. He sat right next to
me and at least made an effort to talk to me some. I was grateful for that.

There were 15 boys and only 7 girls in my class. Must be something in the
water. We all had PE together, since we did everything together. I had
always hated PE, but I knew after the first day that I would hate this PE
class more than all my others. We were handed out our uniforms and told
emphatically that everyone would take a shower after class was over. A
shower with 14 other boys? SHIT!!! I didn't know if I could do that! All we
had top do was dress out for PE back home. OK, my old home. I guess this
was my new home, whether I liked it or not.

No, I wasn't embarrassed about being naked with all my classmates. My
brother had stopped me from being embarrassed about my body long ago. But I
had a secret nobody knew. I liked boys lots more than girls. Well, that
isn't totally true. I didn't like girls at all. And I really liked boys!!

Did I have a problem being naked with all the other boys? No! Did I have a
problem seeing all the other boys naked? NO!!!!! But I did have a problem
if something happened to pop up because of it!!! That would be like asking
for instant death in a new town.

In other words, I was scared shitless!!!!

School finally ended, and I almost ran out of the building to catch my bus
home. I think I was first in line to get on when the bus driver finally
opened the door.

I sat about half way back. All the older kids took the rear of the bus and
the rule here was like everywhere else. Don't go too far back or you would
be a target for abuse. Except here, there could be juniors and seniors on
my bus. Back home, only middle school kids would be on the same bus. I saw
Fred get on, but he didn't even look at me. He was already talking to a
friend. I wish I had one.

Then Bruce got on. He looked around when he was walking down the aisle and
we made eye contact for a second or two. I looked away quickly, staring out
the window.

"Anyone sitting here?"

I looked up and it was Bruce. "No," I answered. I was always smooth with a
comeback.

He sat down and didn't say anything else. I could hardly breathe. Bruce was
one of the best looking boys in my class. He was a little bit taller than I
was, maybe 5' 2", very tan, and had jet black hair and eyes. I later
learned he was part Indian. No, not turban wearing Indian, feathers wearing
Indian! Hehehe

Anyway, I was almost holding my breath sitting next to him. Then he asked,
"How did you like your first day in school?"

I looked at him, and almost drooled. "OK, I guess." I have always been a
chatty person.

"It must be hard, not knowing anybody."

I finally summoned up all my courage and looked at him. He was staring
straight ahead, not looking at me. That gave me the opportunity to look at
him really close and not be afraid that my expression would give me
away. "Yeah. I was scared to death to start with."

He turned and looked at me, bringing back my anxiety. "It'll get
easier. All of us have grown up together. You'll start to make
friends. Just give it time, OK? It's kind of tough on new kids here."

I looked him in the eyes and said, "Thanks."

He just kind of smirked and said, "No problem."

We rode the rest of the way in silence. I was too nervous to talk and he
didn't start any other conversation. He finally got up to leave at his stop
and said, "See you tomorrow."

"See you," I answered. See, I told you I was a great conversationalist!

I watched him walk away from the bus as we drove off. He had a really nice
house and barn. They looked like the rich people as far as farmers went in
our town. And he was gorgeous! I was in love almost instantly. But, what
could I do about it? I already knew. Absolutely nothing!!!

I followed my brother and sister up the path to our house and got changed
into my old clothes. I did my chores, and then went for a ride on my
favorite horse. I kind of just let her go where she wanted to go. I just
stared as we walked slowly and thought about Bruce.

The next day, Bruce again sat down next to me on the bus. "Hi, Dave. Ready
for another fun day?"

This time I actually smiled. "I guess so." See, I was already loosening up.

"You'll get used to this school in a hurry. It's just hard to start with."

I smiled at him. At least he was trying to be friendly. "Thanks."

"No problem," he answered, as he smiled back. End of conversation for the
rest of the bus ride.

Shit! Why couldn't I say anything to him first? Why couldn't I start a
conversation? I have already proven to you earlier in this chapter how
witty I am and how good I am in conversations! Why wouldn't the words spill
out? I didn't know, but my lips were frozen.

Anyway, school went pretty well. I was actually ahead of them in almost
everything. I answered a bunch of questions during class. I guess that was
good. When I looked over at Bruce after answering something, he did smile
at me. When I looked at other kids, some looked at me like I was a show
off. Fuck! What was the old saying? "Caught between a rock and a hard
place"?  That's the way I felt.

Bruce was pretty smart, and he also answered lots of questions. That made
me feel better. Some kids wouldn't raise their hand for anything. They only
answered if called on, and then it was usually wrong. Must want to be
farmers for the rest of their lives. Not me!

Then lunch. Not bad, not great. I wasn't sure what everything was, but I
ate it. I sat by myself again. I looked up once and caught Bruce's eyes,
but he was at a table with his friends and they didn't ask me to join, and
I sure didn't ask if I could join them. Bruce quickly looked at something
else.

After lunch was class from hell!!! PE. I wasn't good at anything, and hated
it. I was especially dreading the shower afterwards.

No one sat near me as I changed into my uniform. That was a relief. Well,
uniform isn't exactly what it was. Printed t-shirt with the school's name
on it and gym shorts. Very short gym shorts.  You could see the bottoms of
some kids boxers coming out from under the bottom of the gym shorts as we
warmed up. Didn't bother me. I wore good old Fruit of the Loom briefs. They
were carefully concealed under my shorts.

We did lots of fun things. Jumping jacks. Maybe a hundred. Bend down and
touch your toes five thousand times. Run around the gym for five million
laps. Sit ups.

Now, that wasn't bad. You had a partner assigned to you, so you held his
ankles while he did as many as he could. My partner had on blue and green
plaid boxers and no hair on his balls. How did I know? I'm gay. I'm holding
someone's ankles while he sits up and down. No one's watching. What else
would I be staring at? What was he staring at when we changed places? I
have no idea. Probably the same thing. But white briefs. And my balls
weren't hanging out! Thank God for briefs!!!

Anyway, I got through that, and the Coach dismissed us to the showers. Oh,
shit!! Time to die!!!

At least I was away from everyone when I had to take off all my
clothes. Some kids clearly didn't have a problem with it. Some actually
strutted around naked, talking to others like they did this every day. I
was envious of their bravery. Me, I stripped quickly, wrapped a towel
around me so tight that it couldn't possibly fall off, and crept to the
showers, hoping no one would notice me.

I took one of the fastest showers in history, got my towel, wrapped it back
around me, and almost ran back to my locker. I kept my head up at all
times, and didn't once check out the other boys.

OK, I lied. I did look around very quickly, and was amazed at what I saw. I
was a very little boy compared to lots of them. Some of them were lots
bigger than I was. About half of them already had hair, like my
brother. Great! That is just the kind of information I needed. That ought
to make my confidence go way up!!!

One good thing did come out of this. I did get a quick look at Bruce. He
was definitely bigger than I was, had a little start of hair above his
dick, his balls had dropped lots more than mine, and I definitely liked
what I saw. And he didn't notice me checking him out, which was great.

Class finally ended and we sat next to each other again on the bus. Maybe
we would become friends. I sure hoped so. We even talked some about our
math homework, which was really exciting, but at least we were talking.

Same thing Wednesday and Thursday. School, lunch, PE, shower from hell,
ride back home, chores. Yeah, I was loving this life.

Then, something happened on the way to school that made my whole
week. Bruce sat down next to me and said, "Hi, Dave. Are you doing anything
after school today?"

"Not really. We rode the horses yesterday. All that has to be done is feed
them." I had already told Bruce about our horses in one of my few brave
times that I would talk to him on the bus.

"My brother Mitch is sick and I really could use some help with all my
chores around the farm.  I'm having to do mine and his, too. You want to
come over after school and help me?" Bruce asked.

"Sure. That would be fun. What do we have to do?"

"Boring shit, mostly. Feed all the animals. We have horses, cows, hogs and
chickens. Clean out all the stalls in the barn and the chicken coop. That,
you'll really love. After we're finished, I can get my Mom to take you
home, or you could spend the night if you wanted to," Bruce answered.

"That would be great. I'd love to spend the night. Can I call and ask my
Mom from your house?"

"Sure. I'd really appreciate the help. Mitch hasn't done hardly anything
since he got sick Tuesday morning and I'm getting way behind," Bruce said.

"I'll be glad to help. I'd like to see what you have to do on a real
farm. All we have is our horses," I answered enthusiastically.

Bruce just smiled at me. "Well, if you want to see what needs to be done on
a real farm, you have picked the right friend. I can show you lots of
stuff. I'll turn you into one of the guys really quick."

I just smiled back. He'd said we were friends, and I was on cloud nine. My
first friend, and it was Bruce. If I had my choice of friends, I would have
chosen him, anyway. Maybe, I would like it here. If we got to be really
close friends, I knew I would!

We chatted like we had known each other for a long time the rest of the way
to school. I think Bruce was almost as lonely as I was. His brother Mitch
was a pain in the ass for a big brother, always picking on Bruce. If he
complained, his Dad would just say "Be a man and stand up to him." Of
course, Mitch being older and a bully didn't exactly help if Bruce ever did
try and stand up to him. He usually just got a beating for his efforts.

I told him that I didn't get along with my big brother Fred, either, but I
didn't go into any of our past. That was something I wasn't going to ever
tell anyone. We just agreed that big brothers were something to be avoided
if you could. We changed the subject to me coming home with him again, and
he told me about some of the things he did for fun.

"Hey, have you ever ridden a four-wheeler?" Bruce asked.

"No. Do you have one?" I asked, wide eyed.

"Yeah, we have a four-wheeler and a three-wheeler. If we get finished in
time, maybe we can go for a ride. You want to?"

"Sure!" I exclaimed.

"Have you ever shot a gun before?"

"Never. Have You?" I asked.

Bruce just smiled. "Man, you really are a city boy, aren't you? Of course I
have. I have my own 22 rifle and a shotgun. Boy, there's lots I need to
teach you."

I beamed back at him. "I guess there is. Maybe I can start coming over a
couple of times a week to help you if you can teach me these kinds of
things in return."

Bruce's grin got bigger. "You don't know what kind of deal you are
offering, boy. You might be sorry later."

"Let me worry about that. Is it a deal?" I asked, grinning.

"Deal," Bruce said, as he held out his hand and we shook on it.

"You know to start with, all you can do is the shitty jobs, right? I'll
have to do anything that you don't know how to do, and you'll do mostly
clean up," he said seriously.

"I'll learn fast," I answered, grinning. "I won't have to do all the shitty
jobs for long."

Bruce grinned back. "Yeah, you seem pretty smart, at least in class. We'll
see how fast you catch on. Maybe I can make a cowboy out of a city slicker
after all. It'll be a real challenge."

"Maybe we can help each other. You seemed kind of lost in Math today. Maybe
this city slicker can also help you figure out how to cipher," I answered,
grinning back.

"Cipher? Where did you ever hear of a word like that?"

"Hey, I was just trying to relate to where I now live. I learned it on the
Beverly Hillbillies. It just seemed appropriate," I answered, breaking up
in laughter.

"Oh, we're hillbillies, are we?" Bruce asked, as he got me in a head lock
and started to rub his knuckles across the top of my head.

As I started to fight back, the bus driver said, "Boys, quit fighting back
there!"

Bruce quickly let me go and said, "We're not fighting, sir."

I couldn't help myself. "Yeah, we're not fighting. We're talking about how
old TV programs relate to the life we're living now." See, I told you I was
witty!

Bruce broke up at that comment, and pushed me on the shoulder. I pushed him
back. And he pushed me back. Typical 12 year old stuff.

"I don't care what you are talking about, cut it out. Now!" he yelled.

"Yes sir," we both said at the same time. And then we both burst out into
giggles.

We just stared at each other as we tried to get ourselves under control. I
think we bonded right then. Neither of us could afford a report home from
school that we acted up on the bus. Both of us would have been spanked if
they had sent one home. But, it was fun to see how far you could push a bus
driver before anything bad happened. Both of us felt a little mischievous,
and we had enjoyed it together.

And, a new friendship had just been born.

To be continued.

Comments are appreciated and always answered.

Comments can be sent to stan992001@hotmail.com where all the guys can read
them too.