Date: Tue, 29 May 2001 07:51:45 -0500
From: fsw99 <fsw99@pop.mindspring.com>
Subject: Chapters 14 of You Can't Go Back

Legal Notice: The following story contains descriptions of graphic sexual acts.

 Don't read this story if: **You're not 18 or over,
**If it is illegal to read this type of material where you live,
**Or if you don't want to read about gay/bi people in love or having sex.

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			     You Can't Go Back

				  By Stan

(First, this is a true story as told to me by Dave. Dave was 12 when this
happened, so he doesn't remember all of the events, so I have to make up
some things. I will keep it as close to truth as I can. This happened
almost ten years ago, but it will be told in flashbacks and mingled in with
true events that happen to our group of young gay guys (and one old gay
guy, me). Or, things that have already happened that we are still dealing
with. I hope you enjoy this method of telling a story. I've never tried
anything like this before. If you are looking for lots of sex in the story,
better look elsewhere. This is more real life stuff. Sorry!

If you are curious about our group, we have our own web site. It is at
www.gayfreezone.homestead.com. Feel free to check us out. If you are a
young gay guy with problems, we are still accepting new members.)

			     Chapter Fourteen

(One more little bit of soap box time. Not long ago, Ozy was really down
and started talking about suicide. He was talking to Dave on MSN and
started asking questions about reincarnation.  Dave asked him why and he
told him about considering suicide.

Dave told me on ICQ that we had a real problem with Ozy and I asked him to
have Ozy sign on because all I have is ICQ. He wouldn't do it, and just
told Dave he would talk to me when he had time.

I was fucking furious. Can I say fucking in my story? I guess so. It's not
the first time that I have used it! Hehehe

Anyway, the next time I saw Ozy on line, I hopped on him pretty good. I was
still angry that he wouldn't talk to me the previous day and also mad
because he was even thinking such a stupid thing. He told me that he was
now happy and wasn't considering it any more, which was good. I told him in
our group, everyone goes on full alert if any of our guys are even joking
about suicide, and it isn't something you joke about. And it's NOT!!!

Suicide doesn't prove anything. It's a coward's way out. At least that is
the way I think about it.  There is always someone willing to help you and
lots of suicide prevention places you can go for help. We list several on
our web site. And our group would do anything we could to help any of you
reading this at any time. We do care! And there are things that can be done
to help, no matter what trouble you are in.

What set me off on this tirade? We have a missing member named Darryl. He
confided in Ozy that he was seriously depressed and thinking about suicide,
and shortly after that, he dropped off ICQ totally and doesn't answer his
e-mails. Darryl, I hope to God you are all right!!

One extra note. Darryl is OK. I'm adding this weeks after I first wrote
this. He had PC problems, thank God!)

"Dave, Bruce's Mom is on the phone," Mom yelled.

I ran as fast as I could to the phone, hoping I could now see
Bruce. "Hello?"

"Dave, have you seen Bruce? We can't find him anywhere, and it's nine
o'clock."

"No Mam, not since school. Did he leave a note saying where he was going?"
I asked.

"Nothing. Well, thanks anyway. We are going to start searching for him
now. I just thought I would check with you first."

"I'll come over and help find him, too."

"No, that won't be necessary."

"But I want to."

"I think you have caused enough damage all ready. We don't need your help,"
she said, and then hung up.

Well, I was going to help find him anyway. I got my coat and flashlight,
told my parents where I was going, and ran out of the house despite their
telling me to stay there.

I looked all around our farm, thinking he might have run away and was
hiding from his parents. If he would have gone anywhere away from his own
house, I thought he would have come here.

I was really scared this time. Surely Bruce wouldn't do something
drastic. I walked all around our farm for hours. I hadn't brought a watch,
and had no idea what time it was. I decided to walk over to Bruce's house,
no matter whether they wanted me to or not. I had no know if they had found
Bruce.

Mt parents were out looking for me. The drove up right after I had walked
over to the road, where it was easier to walk. "Get in Dave," my Dad said
gravely.

I got in the back seat, but he didn't drive off. "Have they found Bruce
yet?" I asked.

"They found him about an hour ago. He was down by the lake at the end of
their property. He had shot himself in the head. He's dead, Dave," my Mom
said quietly.

"NOOOOO!!! NOOOOO!!! BRUCE!!!! BRUCEEEE!!!!" I screamed.

I must have passed out. All I knew is I woke up in my bed with my parents
sitting beside me. I started yelling Bruce's name again, over and over.

I didn't go back to school for the rest of the week. I couldn't have
concentrated anyway.

I wasn't even invited to the viewing. It was a closed casket, so I guess it
wouldn't have mattered.

My whole family attended the funeral, even my brother Fred. I couldn't help
it. I cried all through the service. None of Bruce's family would even look
at me. My old second family. I guess ex- second family now.

After it was over and Bruce's casket was lowered into the ground, I just
couldn't make myself leave. Bruce's Dad finally walked over to me and said,
"This is all your fault. You know that, don't you?"

I really think he was going to start hitting me, but my brother Fred
stepped in between us and said, "Take it easy, Mr. White. It's nobody's
fault."

I thought they were going to go at each other right then, but Bruce's Dad
just said, "Well, if he was going to be a faggot, it's better that he's
dead." He then turned and stormed off. My mouth was hanging open at what he
had said about his youngest child.

About two months later, I visited his grave for the first time since the
funeral. I stayed there a long time, probably two hours or so. I was crying
almost the whole time.

I finally got up and said to him before I walked away, "I know it's too
late to help you. But I give you my word, that from now on, no matter what
it takes, I will make this up to you."

Dave wrote this to me when he was sending me the quotes from Bruce's diary:

"I hope that through this story, I can help keep that promise. I have since
dedicated my life to helping other people. There were times I have tried a
little too hard, and I have actually hurt someone. And when that happens, I
start to feel like I may have let Bruce down, and that hurts just as bad if
not worse than when I found out he had died. For any of those that I was
not able to help, or have hurt, you have my deepest regrets and apologies.

"At this moment, that is Matt. I lied to him when I was trying to help
him. It was the stupidest thing I could have done, but I was blinded by the
need to help him. I have caused him more pain than I could have ever
imagined. I don't expect him to forgive me, but I hope he knows that I was
just trying to help. From the deepest recesses of my hurt I am sorry, Bruce
and Matt. Maybe sometime when I meet up with you, you can find it in your
heart to forgive me, but until then, you're looking at one boy that's just
going to keep on keeping on. God bless and may the light never set on
anyone's heart again."

Dave also wanted to add the lyrics from a song.

"This is a song I have sung for Bruce many times. I first heard it about a
year after his death, and I hope it has the same impact on you as it did
me."

			  You Were a Good Friend
			      By Kenny Rogers

If I close my eyes
It doesn't hurt so bad
Cause tonight I just lost
The best friend I ever had.

You were a maverick
Running all the way from New Orleans
We'd tell stories round the camp fire late at night
When it was down to just you and me

Good friend
Why did you have to go?
Just when I was getting to know you
I'll sing these words to show

You were a good friend
They don't make them like you
And in my memories
You'll always be a good friend to me

Said I got a home boy
Haven't seen in for so long
Said I'm going home, boy
My work here is done I can feel it in my bones

Good friend
Why did you have to go?
Just when I was getting to know you
I'll sing these words to show

You were a good friend
They don't make them like you
And in my memories
You'll always be a good friend to me

				  The End

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