Date: Thu, 17 May 2001 14:11:04 -0500
From: fsw99 <fsw99@pop.mindspring.com>
Subject: Chapter 9 of You Can't Go Back

Legal Notice: The following story contains descriptions of graphic sexual acts.

 Don't read this story if: **You're not 18 or over,
**If it is illegal to read this type of material where you live,
**Or if you don't want to read about gay/bi people in love or having sex.

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or reproducing this story for distribution without the author's permission
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be answered.

			     You Can't Go Back

				  By Stan

(First, this is a true story as told to me by Dave. Dave was 12 when this
happened, so he doesn't remember all of the events, so I have to make up
some things. I will keep it as close to truth as I can. This happened
almost ten years ago, but it will be told in flashbacks and mingled in with
true events that happen to our group of young gay guys (and one old gay
guy, me). Or, things that have already happened that we are still dealing
with. I hope you enjoy this method of telling a story. I've never tried
anything like this before. If you are looking for lots of sex in the story,
better look elsewhere. This is more real life stuff. Sorry!

If you are curious about our group, we have our own web site. It is at
www.gayfreezone.homestead.com. Feel free to check us out. If you are a
young gay guy with problems, we are still accepting new members.)

			       Chapter Nine

I quit thinking about Bruce for a while when I saw Matt sign on. Matt's
from London, and I had made the biggest mistake with him I had ever made
with any gay or bi kid before. Stan was really mad at me about it. Well, I
thought it was a good idea at the time................

When Matt first joined our group, he was adamant that he wasn't gay and
even threatened to leave our group to prove it. What leaving our group, who
were the only gay people Matt was ever around would have proved, I have no
idea.

We all thought that Matt was just in self-denial. So, I came up with a plan
to get him to open himself up more. You know, trust the group and let his
real feelings be known.

So, I made up a 13 year old boy named Bryan who was staying with me and my
parents. I played his part when I talked to Matt. He and I got into a chat
room, and my strategy worked. Matt totally opened up to someone close to
his age (Matt was 14 then). There was only one thing I didn't think
about. Matt fell in love with Bryan.

I wasn't helping out with the group then. I was the new guy in the
group. When I realized what I had done, Christian was on ICQ that night and
I told him about the mess I had created. He helped me come up with a plan
where Bryan would go back to live with his grandmother, who didn't have
internet service, and wouldn't be able to talk to Matt any more. It might
be a tearful farewell, but Matt would get over it.

But then I told Stan what I had done. Stan has a bit of a temper (Ok, I
have a really bad temper!!  Hehehe), and he was less than thrilled about
what I had done. One thing he has always stressed is that everyone be
honest. First rule. And I had kind of bent that rule a little bit.

When the group was first started, they had a member named Darien. He kept
telling one lie after another that the group would catch him on, and they
finally had to kick him out of the group.  Everyone really thought it was
either an undercover cop or at least an adult playing a kid. In any case,
he was gone. You have to tell the truth to stay with us.

Stan demanded that I tell Matt or he would. It certainly wasn't going to
make Matt happy, but Stan insisted that the truth was better than just
adding another lie to the one I had already started.  I wasn't so sure, but
Stan wouldn't budge. So, I told Matt.

If any of our members has a worse temper than Stan, it has to be Matt. Stan
even wrote about it in ‘Dear Diary', his last story before this one,
where Matt was one of the main characters. I knew what was coming, and I
wasn't wrong. Matt exploded.

He demanded that I be kicked out of the club. I really thought I might
be. I really hoped not, and apologized to Matt over and over. He eventually
forgave me, after Stan and I worked on him for a while. We had lots of
three way chats over this. Now, Matt and I are good friends. It sure didn't
look that way for a while.

(For those that read my other stories, I tend to get up on a soap box at
least once per story.  Sorry! The price you pay for reading my stuff. Soap
Box Time!!!

It's very easy to be someone else on the net. You can make up anything you
want at any time.  But, for gay people who might not have ever had anyone
they cared about before, young or old or in between, they are very
vulnerable. You can really hurt them in a heart beat.

Just try to remember that you can affect someone's life just as easily over
the net as you can in real life. They can have the same emotions in a chat
room as they have in person. I know. In my first chapter story, ‘Matt
and Mike', both boys have internet husbands who they are faithful to. I
married Phill and Ed in a three way chat room when they fell in love, and
also wrote about marrying them in ‘One Big Happy Family'. I also went
through their breakup, and felt totally shitty about it.

Honesty is the best policy. Did I make that up? I don't think so. Old
saying, I think. Just remember, you are messing with someone's life when
you talk to them over the net. Be kind, Ok?

End of sermon!!! Back to Dave and Bruce.)

**************************************

Bruce and I became closer and closer in the weeks that followed. He was in
the middle of puberty, and was always horny. We had sex together almost
every day. He never seemed to be able to get enough. He was always bringing
me into the barn, using some excuse, and then would corner me and kiss and
rub all over my body before he led me upstairs into the loft. I always
followed. Eagerly!

He even stole an old blanket from his house when his ‘rents were gone,
put it in a garbage bag, and hid it out in a hollow tree in a clearing
overlooking the lake. The lake had become our special spot, and we went out
there anytime we had extra time and could make the long walk. We always
took our fishing poles and actually would fish a little bit until we caught
a few, but more times than not, we would just say they weren't
biting. Nothing was biting! And in the games we were playing, biting was a
very bad thing!! Hehehe

One Saturday, several weeks after our first time together, we were laying
on the blanket, completely naked in the warm sun, holding each other, and
enjoying the day. We had each given the other a blow job a few minutes
earlier in the classic 69 position, which we had assumed that we had
created. Hey, there wasn't an internet back then, and our school library
didn't exactly have the kind of books that taught what we needed to learn!

Bruce leaned over and kissed me quickly on the lips. "Will you do something
for me?"

"Anything."

"I've been thinking about what everyone says gays do. You know, fuck each
other in the butt."

A shiver ran down my body. "Yeah."

"I want us to try it. To each other. I brought some vaseline, see?" Bruce
added, as he moved over to his pants pocket and got out a small tube of
it. "This should make it slippery, where it would just slip in. What do you
think?"

"I don't know, Bruce. I think it could hurt a lot."

"Let's just try, Ok? Please? If it hurts, we won't do it. Please? For me?"

I looked deep into his eyes and melted, like I always did. I would do
anything for Bruce, and he knew it. "Ok, if it means that much to you. You
can do it to me. How do you want to do it?"

Bruce blushed. Not much, but I knew him so well, I could tell. "Well,
that's one of the problems.  I don't know how to do it. I don't know how to
get us positioned. I was hoping you would have some ideas."

I kind of winced, as memories of my not so recent past flooded my
brain. Oh, I had an idea how to do it, all right. "I'll get on my knees and
you get behind me. Put lots of vaseline on your dick and then put some on
one finger and put it up inside me so I'll be lubricated inside, too. And
go really slow when you put it in me. Let me get used to it as you put more
and more in."

"Ok, that sounds good. You seem to know a lot about it."

That scared me. "No, it just makes sense to me. I've been thinking about
this, too." Ok, I lied to him. I sure didn't want to have to explain my
past. I got on my knees and faced away from him.  Well, if this has to be
done to me again, at least it will be by someone I love.

Bruce did as I told him, and got behind me. "Now, tell me if it hurts and
I'll stop," he said, the excitement clear in his voice.

I had to do this for Bruce. I loved him, and one side of me wanted him to
make love to me. The other dreaded the pain, just like I always had. What
he said was almost funny. I almost said ‘Oh, I'll tell you, all
right'. But I didn't. I wanted this to be special for both of us.

The thing was, neither of us really knew how to properly prepare your
partner. There had never been a story we could read like ‘One Big Happy
Family' when I was growing up that told you how, step by step. I had never
been in exactly the right position to watch when someone was about to enter
me, and none of them had exactly put my interests ahead of theirs. So,
Bruce did what he thought he should do. Put a big glob of vaseline at the
opening, run one finger coated with it quickly up my butt, wipe off his
finger, and try to push his dick inside.

He must have had pretty good aim. It went in on the first try, and he
almost buried it inside of me.  It hurt like Hell. "Oh, God!" I yelled. "It
hurts! Please take it out." Just like I used to yell. Or something similar.

But Bruce did. He immediately withdrew and said, "I'm sorry. I'll try and
go slower next time."

I lost it. Completely. "I JUST CAN'T GO THROUGH THIS AGAIN! I JUST CAN'T!!"
I yelled and got to my feet crying and looking away from Bruce.

He came up and put his arms around me. "I'm sorry I hurt you. I didn't know
you had ever done this before."

I whirled around and looked at Bruce with total fear in my eyes. Oh shit!
What have I done? I couldn't tell him. He wouldn't want me any more. What
do I do now?

"Dave, what's wrong? I don't care if you did it with someone before we
met. You could at least tell me about it."

"No, I can't!" I answered, as I tried to walk away from him.

Bruce caught me by the arm and spun me around. He quickly hugged me to him,
and I was sure that this was the last time. "Dave, I know you're
upset. Tell me why, please! We share everything together."

"I can't Bruce. You'll hate me," I answered as I broke out into hysterical
crying.

He held me tighter, and said in my ear, "No matter what happened, I could
never hate you. I love you. But I have to know. We can't have any secrets
between us, and I think this is a big one."

I pulled back from his embrace and said, "Bruce, please don't make me tell
you," then collapsed back in his arms again. My legs actually got weak, and
I started to slide down. My emotions were at their peak.

Bruce could have held me up, but he just slid down with me until we were
sitting down on our knees and legs, still holding each other. "Please tell
me, no matter what," he said softly.

I started to say no, but then the whole story came tumbling out of my
mouth.

"I guess I was 7, nearly 8. My sister's best friend's Mom was keeping her
after school. Fred was supposed to watch out for me. He was like 14. When
he and his friends would go out somewhere after school, they started to let
me go with them. I felt like the king of the second grade. His friends were
all nice to me and treated me like one of them. Any time one of my friends
saw me with them, they were totally jealous and told people at school that
I was friends with all the big boys. Everyone started treating me lots
better in school."

"That sounds nice. Your brother was being really nice to you," Bruce said.

"Yeah, for a little while. Then one day, he and a friend took me back into
Fred's room. They asked me if I liked hanging around with them. I said
sure. They said that I couldn't do that any more unless I started doing
special favors for them. I would have to stay in the house with the doors
locked and no one else could come in until Fred got back home unless I did
what they said.  Then, they said they wanted to have sex with me."

"Oh, shit!" Bruce said, and hugged me tighter.

"Yeah. I had no idea what sex was. I asked them what I had to do. They said
that they were going to take off all my clothes, and then they would get
naked too. Fred had been helping me with my bath for years. It was one of
his chores around the house. So, I had been naked in front of him so many
times, I couldn't remember a time when he hadn't seen me naked. But, I had
never seen him naked, so I agreed."

"Oh baby, no!"

"Yeah. It gets worse," I said through my tears. "They both helped in
getting my clothes off. They both had big grins on their faces. I watched
them strip after I was completely naked. They were both hard after they
took off their underwear and I couldn't believe how big they were. And they
had hair."

"Oh, God!" I could tell Bruce was crying too.

"Fred did it first. The other boy got in front of me on the bed, made me
get on my hands and knees, and made sure I couldn't go anywhere. Fred got a
sock out of his drawer and handed it to the other boy. I had no idea what
was happening. I felt something cool at my butt hole, and then felt like it
was on fire. I started to scream out, but he put the sock in my mouth to
muffle the screams."

"The bastards!" Bruce said through his sobs.

"Fred did it first, then the other boy. When they were finished, they took
the sock out of my mouth, cleaned me up, and left me to cry on Fred's
bed. He finally came back in and hugged me and told me what a brave boy I'd
been. He promised to take me everywhere with him from then on, and even
said that we would go down to the Dairy Queen and buy me an ice cream
cone. He helped me get dressed and promised that they wouldn't do that any
more.

"But about a week later, another boy came over. He and Fred took me back to
Fred's room and shut the door. I was scared this time. I knew what sex
was. But they told me that I was used to it now, and it wouldn't hurt like
it did the first time. And I had to do it or be locked up in the house
until my parents came home. I let them again. It hurt just about the same
as the first time. From that point on, about once a week, and sometimes
more than once a week, boys would show up at the door and I knew why they
were there. And it did get a little easier. It didn't hurt as bad after a
while, but it always hurt."

Bruce let out a huge sob. I knew he was hurting just hearing all of this,
but I had come too far now. I didn't want to ever go over this again with
him, and I wanted to tell him the whole story.

"You know the worst part? Fred only did it to me for a few months. Then, he
quit. I don't know why. He just seemed to lose interest. But then, two boys
would show up, not just one. I think they were paying him to let him let
them use me. Sometimes, I would have to go in the back room with two boys I
had never seen before and they would tear at my clothes like they were
hungry animals. I guess I was stupid. I just let them do it. I was
conditioned by this time. I don't know why I never told my parents, but I
didn't."

"Oh Dave, I'm so sorry," Bruce sobbed.

"At least they didn't come around very often. They kept saying that was to
keep me tight. And what they really started to like was one fucking my butt
and the other feeding me his dick at the same time. They got to use both
ends that way. At least they got finished quicker."

"Dave stop. I don't want to know any more. I know enough," Bruce yelled
through his sobs.

"There really isn't anything more to tell. I think the last time was about
two weeks before we left to move here. Mom started taking half days off to
start packing, and that ended it."

Bruce collapsed down on the blanket, taking me with him. I think he was
crying harder than I was. We laid together a long time, sharing our
sorrow. He told me over and over again that he loved me. That what happened
in the past didn't matter. All that mattered is that we loved each other.

We held hands all the way back from our spot by the lake. We were firmly
together now. If anything, this had cemented our love. Also made him hate
Fred with a passion. I had made him promise not to bring up the part to
Fred. At least it was the past.

We talked about it all the way back. It felt good to talk about it
objectively, like it had happened to someone else. I was all cried out. No
more emotion. I talked like it had happened to someone else. We agreed, or
at least Bruce decided, that we wouldn't ever try anal sex again. And we
didn't.

We didn't have sex again that day, and not on Sunday, even though we were
together most of the day. I came home with Bruce on Monday and he didn't
seem interested in it either. Bruce was the one who had always started any
sexual play between us.

I knew something was wrong. I cornered Bruce this time in the barn. "Don't
you love me anymore?"

"What do you mean? Of course I do. Why would you even ask that question?"

"Well, you never want to make love to me anymore. I just wondered if you
have found someone else."

"Dave, I love you and I always will. I love you. I don't love you because I
can have sex with you.  I love you because, well, because I love you." Huh!
Bruce's turn to make lame statements.

"Well, if you do, show me."

"Huh?"

"Care to follow me up to the hay loft? I know where a certain blanket is. I
think I have on too many clothes. Can you help me out of some of them?"

Bruce got a huge grin on his face. "I think I can do that."

I grabbed his hand and led him over to the stairs. I went up first this
time. He had his hands on my butt all the way up the ladder. It's a wonder
he didn't fall off.

Once I had spread out the blanket, he was a wild man. He even forced my
mouth open and put his tongue inside my mouth for the first time. Huh! I
liked that! Our clothes disappeared in seconds.

That was the best love making we had done in a long time. We each came
twice. We were taking some risks staying up here as long as we were, but it
was worth it. We were in love, and all of the prior issues were right where
they should have been. Buried in the past.

To be continued.

Comments are appreciated and always answered.

Comments can be sent to stan992001@hotmail.com where all the guys can read
them too.