Date: Fri, 05 May 2000 14:12:45 EDT
From: William Watts <bwstories44@hotmail.com>
Subject: You Pass This Way But Once - chapter 19

Legal Notice:
The following story contains descriptions of graphic sexual acts.
The story is a work of fiction and has no basis in reality.

Don't read this story if:
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**If it is illegal to read this type of material where you live,
**Or if you don't want to read about gay/bi people in love or having sex.

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against violators.

If you have enjoyed reading this story, you will find other stories by me at
http://www.teenboyauthors.org/thewolf/, in the 'Other Stories' section.

E-mail responses to the stories, story suggestions or other 'constructive'
comments or advice may be sent to: bwstories44@hotmail.com

		*     *     *     *     *     *     *     *

You Pass This Way But Once - by BW                                           
            Copyright 2000 by bwstories44
Chapter 19 - The long vigil.                                                 
                           March 2000

My parents and I talked for a while as they tried to distract me from the
sadness of the situation.  My mom gave me a small bag containing a change
of clothes and some toiletries and I went into the shower stall, which was
located in Seth's private bathroom.  After I finished cleaning up and
changing, I came back out, gave my mother my dirty things and I went back
to sit beside Seth.  I was thinking about the things that had happened when
an idea came to me.  I went over to the locker where Seth's things were
stored and I searched through his pockets.  There it was.  I had found what
I was looking for.  In the back pocket of his jeans was the folded up
letter that had set Seth off so badly.  I took it out, unfolded it and
began to read the message.

Dear Seth,

I don't understand why you're clinging to this stupid idea that you're gay.
I know that boys your age go through phases like this and that they often
engage in sexual exploration with one another.  I understand that the
feelings that you get from these activities are probably very pleasurable
and that they make you feel very good.  Sex makes you feel that way and it
gets even better when you do things with girls.  This is just a phase that
you're going through and you can't cling to it and ruin you life.

I am telling you once more that it's time to get your act together and to
start acting straight.  You can find a nice girl to start going out with
and that will make you forget about all of this other nonsense.  I want you
to stay away from Logan and any other boys that you've been having sexual
contact with until you are beyond their influence.  I know that you can do
this for all of us.

I feel that I must warn you that, if you persist in your assertions that
you are gay, your mother and I won't be able to accept you into our
household.  I know that we will be responsible for you because you're still
a minor but we will sign you over to the state and let them handle you and
your problems.  We cannot and will not accept sexual deviates into our home
and we will not associate with people who do those sick, perverted things
with each other.  We will love you and accept you only if you can give up
your faggot ways and become a normal person.  If you are wise, you will
heed my advice before you find yourself alone and on your own.

Dad

I couldn't control my emotions as I read the letter.  I totally lost it and
started swearing and cursing Seth's father.  My parents turned to look at
me, wanting to know what was wrong.  I merely handed the letter to my
father so he could read it himself.  I couldn't believe that the bastard
had actually told Seth that he was going to give him away and have nothing
more to do with him.  I began to cry again and I moved over next to Seth,
kissed him and held his hand.  "I'm here for you Seth.  I am here for you
today and every tomorrow that follows.  My father told you before that you
are part of our family and I know that he meant that.  You can come live
with us and we'll take care of you.  You just have to get better and we'll
take care of the rest.  You'll be fine, Seth, we'll make sure of that."

My parents had moved around behind me and they each placed a hand on my
shoulder in an effort to comfort my enraged soul.  After knowing how Seth
parents had handled the situation with Seth, I appreciated my parents even
more.  They sat with me until lunchtime, again buying me something from the
cafeteria and, then, bringing it back to the room for me to eat it.  After
that, they left and went back home, leaving me to continue my vigil over my
friend.

Sometime around 2:00, I heard someone call my name.  I turned around and
there stood Jeff and Keith in the doorway, looking like they were afraid to
come in.  I moved over to the door to greet them.

"Logan, we're sorry about what happened to Seth," Jeff began.  "We feel
like this is all our fault and we don't know what to say or do.  We want
you to forgive us but we know that we probably don't deserve it, especially
now with what has happened to Seth."

"You two weren't responsible for this.  This was the result of something
far more personal, something Seth didn't feel that he could deal with.  I
know that what you did in the beginning, by letting our secret out to the
public, but that wasn't intentional and neither of us held that against
you.  We were disappointed in how you reacted to us after that but you
weren't cruel or malicious so we didn't hate you for that either.  If you
want to come in to visit, neither of us would object."

"How can you be so understanding about all of this when we can't even
forgive ourselves?  You were our friends and we were responsible for
everyone turning against you and we didn't even have the courage to help
defend you.  We stayed away from you and we never dared to say anything to
the guys that made comments about you or told jokes at your expense.  We
should have told them that they were wrong and that you and Seth were great
guys.  We didn't and they chased you off the football team and out of
school.  Even though you don't blame us for our part, we still blame
ourselves and we came here to let you know that and to apologize.  We also
want to know if there is anything we can do now to help."

"Your just being here has helped far more than you can know.  I think that
I can probably speak for Seth also when I say that we accept your apology
and we hope that we can be friends again when this is over."  I reached out
to shake their hands but Jeff grabbed hold of my arm and pulled me to him,
throwing his arms around me and encircling me with a hug.  Keith joined him
and they squeezed the air from my lungs.

"I'm afraid that a handshake just wouldn't have said enough," Jeff told me
as they broke their embrace.  "I think we needed to show you that we aren't
afraid of you and that we're willing to be your friends completely, this
time around.  We won't let you down a second time.

"It wasn't that long ago that I couldn't have done that, you know.  I mean
I wouldn't have been able to hug you like that.  I've always heard that
gays were bad people and that they do disgusting things with each other.
It was easy to believe that when we didn't know anyone like that, I mean to
really know someone who was gay and not just be to able to point them out
of a group.  I've known you and Seth for quite a while, even before I knew
you two were gay.  I liked you then and I enjoyed your company.  You two
are smart, good athletes and you're a lot of fun to be around.  When I
discovered you were gay it just didn't fit in with how I thought gays
should be.  I think you realized, when you talked with me before, that I
was having trouble reconciling those differences in my mind."  I nodded to
him that I knew what he was referring to.

"Logan, I found that it was hard to hate or even dislike gay people as a
group when I knew that you and Seth were gay.  I liked you guys then and I
like you guys now.  It just wasn't making sense to me.  I hated it when you
were having problems on the football team and I've missed you both terribly
since you left.  Football hasn't been as much fun for me without you guys
there to share it with me.  The three of us clicked together and it's just
not the same with the other running backs.  I knew you guys.  I knew your
moves and I knew what to expect from you.  I knew that you'd be there to
cover for me if I screwed up and that I'd do the same for you.  Football
has lost some of its glitter for me since you guys haven't been there.

"I used to worry about the showers, too, and I know a bunch of the other
guys felt the same way.  Then I realized that we had taken a lot of showers
together before we discovered you were gay and there weren't any problems
then.  Sure, maybe you'd sneak an occasional peak at us but we do it with
each other as well.  Maybe you enjoy what you see more than we do but
you've never come on to any of us and you've never tried to force anybody
into doing anything with you.  I'm not afraid any more and I think I can
convince the other guys to get over it too.

What I'm trying to say, Logan, is that I've changed the way I think about
gays because of you and Seth and I think that others people can change
their minds about that also.  All we have to do is show them that you two
are normal in every other way and that you're not out to convert anyone or
harm them.  I know that now and we have to get others to realize that too.
It will take time but I'm positive that once people give you a chance and
get to know you they'll feel the same way I do about you that I do.  Please
don't give up and please don't quit school or stop playing sports.  Don't
let a few narrow-minded people change you life and ours because they can't
see past the ends of their noses."

Jeff, Keith and I hugged again and I thanked them for the kind words and
their support.  They kept me company for a while longer before they had to
leave.  I thanked them again before they departed and I was encouraged by
their change of heart.  I wished that it hadn't taken Seth's act of
desperation to bring it about though.  I sat back down next to Seth and I
watched him as he lay there, wondering what was going through his mind.  I
hoped that he had been able to understand what had just happened and that
he could begin to realize that we were making some progress in our search
for understanding and support.  I sat there for hours, sometimes holding
his hand, sometimes stroking his hair and sometimes whispering in his ear.
I wanted him to know that I was continually there for him and I hoped that
this might give him a greater reason to fight to get his life back.  I was
sitting there praying beside Seth when I heard someone clear his throat.  I
turned toward the entrance and saw a group of guys standing there.  I
recognized some of them, as Seth and I had played sports with them at one
time or another, but some of them were older than us and I had no idea who
they were.  The leader of the group moved forward.

"Logan, I know you don't know me but I'm Justin McDonald.  I play on the
varsity football team.  A group of my friends and I wanted to come by and
let you and Seth know that we're sorry that we didn't try to help you when
you were having problems at school.  Some of these guys played with you on
the JV squad but they didn't do any of those things against you.
Unfortunately, they also didn't try to stop the other guys from doing them,
either.  Seeing that we're all black or Hispanic, we know what it's like to
be mistreated and harassed by bigots.  Just because they singled you out
for being gay, it's no different than what people do to us because of our
race or skin color.  We should have realized that earlier and stepped in to
help you.  We shouldn't have tolerated or ignored injustice in any form,
cloaked in any guise.  We realize that now and we wanted to let you know
that we'll be more vigilant and more aggressive at stopping this
intolerance in the future.  I know that it doesn't do much good for you or
Seth now but I wanted you to know that something good would come out of
your suffering."

"Thanks, Justin.  I'll remember that in the future.  I want to thank all of
you for coming by and you can come in and stay for a while if you wish.  It
might do Seth some good to hear some other voices besides my own."

They all came into the room and they talked to each other and to me for
about half an hour.  When they were leaving, I thanked them again and shook
each of their hands.  As they walked down the hallway, I had to wonder why
it took a tragedy to bring the good out in people.  Why did it take
something awful to happen before any good could surface?  I was still
pondering this quandary when my parents showed up with my dinner.  I wolfed
it down, being hungrier than even I realized, and then I sat and talked
with them about anything that popped into my mind.  I told them about the
various visitors Seth had received and I was just finishing telling them
about the black and Latino athletes and what they had told me when another
visitor entered the room, one that I didn't want there.

"Haven't you done enough already?  What the hell are you doing here,
anyways?  Did you come back to gloat or to make him feel worse?  You can
ease your conscience, though.  You don't have to worry about him any more
because we're going to take care of him from now on."  My father jumped up
and got between us and then he put his hand over my mouth.

"He has every right to be here, Logan.  Seth is his son.  Maybe we should
leave and give him some time alone with Seth."

"Why, so he can finish the job?  I'm not leaving Seth alone with this man
for any reason."

"You won't have to," Mr. Eldred responded.  "I would like Logan to stay in
here and listen to what I have to tell Seth.  I owe them both an
explanation and an apology and I'd like to do it with both of them at the
same time."

My father looked at Mr. Eldred and then me.  I could see that he wasn't
sure that he should leave us alone in the room but I told him that it would
be all right.  "We'll be down the hall in the waiting room," my father told
us.  "You be able to find us there if you need anything."  My mom and dad
left the room and I moved to the opposite side of Seth's bed, away from
Mr. Eldred.  He moved over beside Seth and he began to speak to his son.

"Seth, I hope you can hear me because I need to apologize to you and let
you know how much I love you.  I didn't understand about homosexuals and I
was afraid of them.  I really thought this was just a phase you were going
through and I thought that I could scare you out of it by using tough love.
I never wanted to hurt you in any way and I was very upset when I got back
from vacation and I found that message from the police on my answering
machine.  I really do love you, Seth, and I want you to get better so I can
prove it to you and make things up to you.

"I'm sorry that I mailed that letter.  I wrote it on the plane on our way
to Miami.  I mailed it as soon as we landed and I wished many times
afterward that I could have taken it back.  While we were in Miami, I ran
into a group of gay guys on the beach.  I mean I could tell they were gay
from just the way they were acting with each other.  After I got up the
courage, I approached them and I told them that I had a son who thought he
was gay and I was wondering if they could answer some questions for me.
They were very nice and extremely polite about the whole thing.  They went
out of their way to help me and they were more than willing to help me
understand my son's tendencies.

"I asked them why they decided to be gay and they told me that they were
born that way and there was no choice involved.  That's when I remembered
that you had told me something like that, as well.  Then, I asked them when
they first realized that they were gay.  They all said that they knew they
were attracted to other boys before they became teenagers.  They may not
have acted upon those feelings but they knew that they weren't attracted to
girls or aroused by them.  We talked about a lot of other things, as well,
and I knew what I had to do.  I was planning to come home and apologize to
both of you and tell you that you had my love and my full support.

"Seth, I have to make an admission to you.  I thought that I could scare
you into being straight because I had felt the same attraction to boys when
I was your age.  I fought it and I started to date girls instead.  I found
that I liked girls, too, and I had no problem ignoring my other feelings.
Finally, I met your mother and we fell in love and our life together has
been wonderful.  I wanted the same sort of life for you.  I wanted you to
fall in love, get married and have children.  I wanted grandchildren to
love and spoil.  When you said that you were gay, all of those dreams went
up in flames and my hopes from grandchildren vanished in a split second.

"After talking to those gay guys in Florida, I began to realize a lot of
things about myself.  I now know that I'm what you would call a bisexual,
which means that I was equally attracted to both sexes.  That's why I could
live a straight life and suppress my urges for other males.  I didn't
understand it before that I couldn't have done that if I were truly gay,
like you.  I'm sorry that I was so ignorant and I'm sorry that I never let
myself explore the other side of my sexual desires.  If I had, I might not
have been so hard and inflexible with you.  I'm so very, very sorry about
how I treated you and I hope that I'll have the opportunity to make it up
to you when you get better.

"Seth.  Logan.  I want both of you to know that I'll support you two and,
if you choose to be boyfriends, I'll support your being together as well.
I just want you back, Seth.  I want to have the chance to make amends and
to show you how much that I do care about you.  I want to see you grow up
and grow old.  I want to watch you play sports and have fun.  I want to
watch you fall in love and be happy.  I'm sorry if I've messed things up in
any way and I want the opportunity to make things right and show you how
deeply I do love you.  Please, Seth.  If you can hear me, please fight to
get better.  Do everything you can to come back to us.  I'll never be able
to forgive myself if you don't get well.  I'll always blame myself for my
arrogance and stupidity and for trying to handle such a delicate problem
with so much coldness and inflexibility.  Seth I love you and need you.
Your mother loves you and needs you.  Logan loves you and needs you.
Please try to get better so we can all have another chance at getting this
right."

He bent over and kissed Seth on the cheek and he gave him a squeeze.  I
walked around the bed and hugged Seth's father, telling him that I was
sorry for my earlier outburst.  He told me that I had nothing to apologize
for, that I was right in how I felt and that I was completely justified in
making my accusations and lashing out at him so harshly.  He said that he
was glad that Seth had such a good friend, one who was willing to stand up
for him and protect him at all costs.  He told me that I had been acting in
Seth's best interests while he had been thinking only of himself as he
tried to protect his wife and him from the gossip and humiliation that
Seth's acknowledgement that he was gay would evoke.  He said that he had
learned a great deal since that first day and, now, his whole attitude
concerning our sexuality had changed.

I left him alone with Seth and I went down to the waiting room to tell my
parents about Mr. Eldred's whole transformation.  I didn't tell them about
his hidden bisexual tendencies but I told them that he had become more
informed about the gay lifestyle and that he was willing to accept us as we
were, even if we wanted to be lovers.  My parents were quite surprised by
this change in attitude and I knew that they were wondering what could have
brought about such a drastic reversal.  We sat there for a few more minutes
before Mr.  Eldred came down to thank my parents and me for all that we had
done for Seth.  He said that he would work with us in the future to do
anything necessary to correct the situation and to make life more bearable
for Seth and me.  My parents thanked him and told him that they were
grateful for his change of heart.  They said they would cooperate with him
in any way as long as it would be in Seth's and my best interest.

My parents went home and Mr. Eldred and I went back to Seth's bedside.  We
sat there throughout the night waiting and watching for signs that Seth's
condition was improving.  After sitting in silence for a while, Mr. Eldred
began to tell me more about his childhood and adolescence.
  I must admit that I was surprised by how much detail he gave me about his
contacts with other males during that period and then, going even further,
he told me how he wished that he had been able to accept his own sexual
identity.  I guess that maybe this was cathartic for him, freeing his soul
of all the pent up doubts and regrets he had accumulated over the years.
He even admitted that he has always wished that he had been able to pursue
sex with other guys, especially as he grew older.  He acknowledged that he
felt he had missed so much by not being honest with himself over the years.
He even confessed that his frustration at his own inabilities was probably
the reason that he was so rigid and so hard on Seth.  He told me many times
how much he regretted what he had done to his son and that he prayed that
he would be able to find a way to make things up to him when he recovered.
We were still continuing this discussion when the doctor came in for his
evening rounds.

He asked us both to leave while he performed his examination so we went
down to the waiting room at the end of the hall.  The doctor was in with
Seth for quite some time before he came down to the waiting room to speak
with us.  "He seems to be steadily improving though I don't understand why
he hasn't regained consciousness.  He vitals look good, the tests we ran on
him showed nothing beyond was we expected and what would be normal for
prolonged exposure to carbon monoxide.  He said he still couldn't rule out
the possibility of brain damage or lingering problems from his inhaling so
many toxic fumes.  He couldn't give us many specifics about Seth's
prognosis but he kept saying that he didn't know why Seth hadn't come to
yet.  He could find no medical explanation for his remaining unconscious
and he told us that only time would tell how Seth was going to make out
from his little 'accident'.

We both thanked the doctor for his efforts and for taking the time to
explain things to us.  He said he would be around again tomorrow afternoon
and, maybe, he could be more informative at that time.  Mr. Eldred and I
situated our chairs on either side of Seth's bed, fluffed up our pillows
and we both spent the night holding Seth's hands and dozing off for brief
periods throughout the night.  I said another prayer, asking God to
intervene and return Seth to us.  I told him that if he gave us all another
chance that we'd make sure that we would use it wisely and not repeat our
previous mistakes.  I prayed for nearly twenty minutes but I did so
silently as I wasn't sure that this was something I could do if Mr.  Eldred
could hear me.  This was a private communique, between God and me, even
though it concerned Seth.  Although Seth's father had been willing to share
his secrets with me, I wasn't ready to open up my soul and prayers for his
inspection.  After finishing my celestial request, I kissed Seth on the
forehead, held his hand and stretched out on my chair to sleep.

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If you have enjoyed reading this story, you will find other stories by me at
http://www.teenboyauthors.org/thewolf/, in the 'Other Stories' section.
E-mails may be sent to: bwstories44@hotmail.com.