Date: Tue, 4 Nov 2003 21:26:16 -0500
From: Samantha <teabs13@hotmail.com>
Subject: Autumn Leaves

This can not be copied or reproduced without permission from me.

She looks at me with love.  Her deep blue eyes are a little unsure but
she knows in her heart that there is no one but me.  I glance back at her
giving a small smile.  She blushes for being caught staring at me, while
a strand of her dark hair falls to her face. She looks down being
embarrassed.  I take her soft chin in my hand and gently tilt it up so
her eyes match mine. I brush the soft hair away so I can look at her
completely.  We stare deeply into each other for a long time.  I glance
at the clock and realize that I'm late.  I stand and lean down to kiss
her on her forehead before I grab my coat. I feel her eyes watching me as
I move to the door. I look back.  She is staring at me, begging for me
not to go.  I close the door behind me and descend down the narrow
staircase, out the door and off to a place where she will not be.

            I return a few hours later. It seems as though I have been
gone a century.  The night is upon me and the cool autumn air rises up
inside me as I take a deep breath. Leaves brush up against my feet as I
glance at the moon. I turn and stroll towards the door enjoying the cool
fall air.   I slowly trudge up the stairs to our third story apartment.
As I slide my key into the door a woman passes by snickering at me.  We
didn't pick the nicest neighborhood or building but that was all we
could afford, with me being an independent filmmaker and her being a
waitress at the local diner. All of my money goes to bills, rent and
student loans. She provides us with the necessities.

I look to the floor and try to make myself think of something pleasant to
erase the memory of the woman.  As I enter our apartment I head straight
for my tiny office/storage room and sit down in my chair. I turn on the
computer and do my work. I hear her in the next room sleeping soundly.  I
want to go lay down next to her and take in her body but I'm on a
deadline.  I adjust my glasses and continue with my work.  I think of her
as I read through my papers.  I think of the first time we met.  As I
look back now I knew that I loved her, that there was no one else but
her. I rub my eyes and continue work trying not to distract myself by
thoughts of her.  Bright red numbers catch my attention my desk clock now
reads 2:30.  It's time to go to bed.  I need the sleep.

            I walk over to the bedroom and see my girl curled up to my
side of the bed, clutching on to my pillow.  I know she misses me there.
I know she wants me.  I try not to wake her because she sleeps so
beautifully. I walk to the bathroom, flick the switch and stare into the
mirror.  I see a figure staring back at me.  My eyes are dark and a bit
bloodshot from my lack of sleep.  This is the third consecutive night of
working into the morning.  I feel bad because I haven't been able to
make love to her.  I have been so tired and stressed the past three weeks
that I have forgotten to pay attention to her.  It has been like this for
a while. I'm just too busy or tired to do anything let alone be with
her. The past couple months have been hell.  I have been in the editing
room nonstop trying to finish up my documentary work. I feel a sense of
guilt and anger as I start to brush my teeth. The mint toothpaste is
soothing to my mouth.  The kind of refreshing taste that sadly makes me
feel the slightest bit better.  She always has time for anything and I
can never find any. I know I'm putting stress on our relationship but I
cannot just drop my job.  I finally have a career, its more like my
dream, and I don't want to lose it. I have wanted to work in film since
I can remember but I never thought it would be almost impossible.  I love
her so much and never want to hurt her but I just don't have time.  I am
always out there thinking of new ideas and trying to create them.  It was
not always like this. We used be inseparable. If I didn't get a kiss at
least every few hours I would die.  Now it has been so long that I almost
forget what you taste like. You used to call me from work just to hear my
voice. Always slipping love letters in my bag so I could enjoy them at
work. We had so much fun, dinner with friends and weekend getaways. We
never fought. We never had anything to fight about. She is my world and I
could never put her through any pain. The past weeks have been torture.
My deadlines and her hours.  We just couldn't find time for each other.
I wash my face and turn off the light. As I towel off my drained face I
glance once more in the mirror and ask if things will ever return to
normal.  No answer. I go to the bedroom and change into an old pair of
scrubs and a tee-shirt. I stare down at her once more.  I know that being
away from her is killing us both.

            I lay down on the bed.  My arm is propped up behind my head
and the other drooping on my stomach.  I think of our first night
together.  I was a bit intimated by her. She is so much prettier than
me.  She is flawless and I have many.  We were both nervous but found it
to be natural.  As I drift off to sleep she stirs. She now cuddles up to
me, her arm lying on my stomach just above my own.  She nestles her head
into my neck and I can feel her sweet breath.  She always finds that spot
that is so sacred to her.  That spot where she feels safe and loved.
 I'm exhausted but it's been so long that I now cannot sleep. I think
of her some more.  I think about her and all the things that tie us
together.  I feel her grasp me closer as if to be inside me. She is
having a bad dream.  I put my arm around her and caress her back.  She
now wakes and looks up at me.  She looks so sad, like she just lost
something very dear to her. I smile down at her and whisper softly and
say that things will be alright.  That it was just a dream.  She asks me
why I have been avoiding her and I cannot answer. I want to but I'm
tired and don't want to fight. I simply say that I'm sorry and I have
just been busy with work.  I kiss her forehead and say goodnight.

            The morning is rough. I try to rouse myself but feel held
back. I finally make it to the shower and carry on with my morning
routine.  Work goes by slowly.  I'm in the editing room and realize I
have to get more footage to finish the film.  I curse at myself.  I have
worked so long and hard at this that the thought of it taking more time
sickens me. I  make some phone calls and arrange to go back and get more
footage.   My partner, Jason  calls.

"You're working to hard go home and I will take care of the problem,"
he says. I chuckle at the remark.

 "There is no way I will back out of this film. I created all of it and
I want to see the whole thing go through," I said.  He feels bad because
he realizes what I have been going through.  I know that I cannot because
my work is too important to our firm.

"Fine, then just work your self to death."   I laugh at his remark.

"Sam, you need rest.  I will take the guys back upstate for a few days
and just get some things on tape.  I want you to take a little break and
go somewhere with Sue Ann.  I won't take no for an answer.  First thing
Monday you can come in here and edit what we got, ok?"

"Ok, ok.  Just call if you run into any problems."

"I will."

"I mean it."  I hang up and meander over to my desk.  Vacation?  Where
am I going to go?  As I think of places to go a recurring thought keeps
surfing my brain.  A very selfish thought that is unexplainable. I don't
want to make my self available to her. I need the time away. I need for
her to want me and beg for me. It is strange how I crave these pleasures.
It makes me seem so selfish to want to make her wait for me. I sometimes
don't understand my motives for this kind of thing.  I guess it's in my
nature to be like this. I love her so much but why do I hurt her like
this?  Why do I make her second guess our relationship based on the
insecurities I have.  She is just too good for me so I try to push her
away. I know at some point we will have to discuss this but for the time
being I chose to just make myself unavailable.  I think of all the things
she gave up for me.  Her family, her friends, her life.  It was all
perfect for her until I came along.  She had a plan, she was to marry her
high school sweetheart and have lots of kids.  She was supposed to be on
PTC and teach Sunday school.  Now she is a waitress that makes lousy
money, lives in a shit hole, and cannot conceive children by the one she
loves.  I ruined her life and now I'm making it unbearable.   My guilt
consumes me.

 I walk up the stairs to our apartment. I look to a vacant corner and
remember the time we made love there.  I push that thought away, back
into my head full of all our memories.  As I open the door to our
apartment I notice it is really dark inside. Almost too dark for me to
see. I open the blinds and let the sun in. The rays scatter over the hard
wood floor and onto the couch.  I see her there. She is reading a book.
She is clutching on to the book and nestled into the side of the couch.
When I look closer I see that she is asleep. Her chest rises and falls
with each breath.  She looks so peaceful in her afternoon slumber.  I
love to watch her sleep.  It is my favorite thing about her.  I decide
that I cannot and resume my course to my office.  It's just down the
hallway past our bedroom. Our bedroom; I almost never sleep there, always
awake doing work. It seems the only place I get rest is on the couch in
my office. I turn on the computer and stare at it. I have no work to be
doing. All my work is going to be taken care of by Jason.  I turn off the
computer and walk into the bedroom. I change my clothes and lay down on
the bed. I want to sleep but the guilt that fills me is too much. Why
don't I get up and go to her. Why can't I realize that she loves me
more than anything and would not hurt me?  I cannot get past my
insecurities. It is just too hard for me.  I hear a noise and ignore it.
I know she is awake and she knows that I'm home.  She walks in and looks
at me. I feel as though I'm on display and it's very uncomfortable.
She walks over to me and sits on the edge of the bed. She sighs deeply as
if she is upset. I don't know what to say. I don't know how to tell her
that I'm fucked up. That I cannot escape myself.  I want to hold her
tight and say that I'm sorry and that I love her but it just doesn't
come out. She turns and looks down at me.  I can see in her expression
that she is saddened. I don't know what to do.  She leans down and
kisses me on the forehead. I now move a bit, inviting her in. She lies
down next to me. Her back is to me.  I touch her softly. My hands run all
over her back.  I know I want to be with her but it seems as though there
is a wall between us.  She turns to me; her expression is more serious
now. She asks me what is wrong and I don't know what to say. I stare at
her vacantly. She closes her eyes and takes a long deep breath.  I look
at her intently, anticipating what words will drip off her tongue.

I closed my eyes and took a long deep breath. I didn't know what to
expect.  I had wanted her for so long and now that I have her it just
seems plain.  This is not love anymore. This is a completely new feeling
to me. Before I couldn't even breath with out her, now as I take each
breath they become sighs.  I always thought that if you fell in love than
that was it.  I can remember the first time I met her five years ago. I
had a summer job up at my camp. I worked at a resort and was considered a
glorified maid.

 I walked into work and there she was talking to Beth, our chef.   She
took my breath away when I saw her. She was beyond beautiful. She glanced
over at me and smiled. I was taken aback by her.  She had these dark blue
eyes that just made me melt. She just introduced herself and being as shy
as I was I just said a quick hi and went on with my business.

The next few days went on like any other. I worked and then simply went
on my way back to my camp.  It was not until one of my other friends
arrived that I really got to talk with her.  My friend Sarah invited me
over to catch up on old times and have a few cocktails. I went over to
her place and the night carried on with ease.  I finally loosened up due
to the alcohol and talked with this new addition to the staff. I found
out her name was actually Julia. She was very easy going and made me
laugh.  I felt totally comfortable with her.  Our friendship progressed
from there. We all hung out in a group. As the weeks progressed I
developed a small crush. I thought to myself that I had to have her.
There was just one problem, she was very straight.  Oh, and catholic,
such a great combination.  I knew that being very in touch with her
religion would make things difficult.  I decided that I better put her
out of my mind.  I feared that if I exposed my feelings towards her that
I would loose her forever, so I just kept quiet.  I didn't completely
loose out, she was still a very close friend of mine.  Then it happened.

The end of the summer approached rapidly. I had to say goodbye to what
now became my life-long friends. We were all sad to depart but I felt a
little more loss because I was leaving the women whom I had grown to
love. I went back to school but told my boss I would be back the
following month to help out with her daughters wedding.

A month later as promised, I returned to my desired place. As I drove
back to my beloved camp I noticed how fall set in and the beautiful
colors that were emitted by every tree.  I opened the window to get a
full breath of fresh Adirondack air.  My nostrils were consumed in the
beautiful scent of autumn. I felt like I was at home again, my rightful
place, the place where I belonged.

I pulled up to the resort filled with excitement and happiness.  As I
stepped out of my car I took a good look around. I had missed this place
and everything it holds dear to me. I heard a familiar voice shout out my
name. As I looked over my shoulder there she was, as beautiful as ever.
She walked up to me and threw her arms around me in a big hug. I thought
I would melt right there in her arms.  She kissed me on the cheek and
told me how much she missed me and how excited she was to see me.  We
walked back to the kitchen to greet the rest of the employees.  The
weekend was great. We spent almost every spare minute together. She
wanted to know everything about school.  We partied both nights with the
rest of our co-workers.  I was so exhausted on Sunday and so hesitant
about leaving that my boss convinced me to stay another night.  My
classes were late on Mondays so I really had nothing to worry about.  All
the wedding quests had left so there were basically no people at the
resort except for the staff.  We all went to bed around nine. I wanted to
stay up but I realized I would be by myself so I decided to just go to my
room and read.  About an hour later I heard a knock on my door.  I put
down my book and forced my self to get up and answer the door but by the
time I reached it she had already come in almost knocking me over.  We
both burst out in laughter.  She said that she couldn't sleep and saw
that my light was on so she decided to bug me.  We sat down on my bed and
chatted away for a few hours.  We slowly made ourselves more comfortable
and lay side by side on the bed.  I was on the edge with my left arm
propped up behind my head. She was next to me taking up most of the
room.  She was falling asleep while I was talking about random subjects.
I glanced over at her and told her we better call it a night. She was
reluctant to get out of bed.

"I don't wanna move, I'm so warm here," she said. She was sprawled
out and almost forcing me off the twin sized bed.

"But you're taking up the whole bed." I said.  As much as I wanted her
to stay I knew that I would become more emotionally involved if she
remained next to me.

"I'm not that fat, Sam." she exclaimed.  We both laughed and she
playfully hit me in the arm.

"But seriously you have to move your fat ass out of my bed.  I at least
need some sleep this weekend," I stated.

"Awww, you suck.  I'm too tired to move so you're just gonna have to
deal with my nice ass," she said sarcastically, emphasizing on the word
nice.

She curled up close to me on her side and put her arm around my body.  I
felt a little uneasy but wanted her to stay like that forever. She
snuggled in close and closed her eyes as she took a deep breath.  We
stayed like that for a little while. I closed my eyes and listened to her
breath and just felt so content.   She finally broke the silence

"Sam, what are you thinking?" she asked.  I was afraid to answer her
but there was only one thing I could think of and I had to just say it no
matter what the consequences were.  Either she could take it the wrong
way or totally accept it.

"Well, I'm thinking that there is no place I'd rather be than right
here with you," I said as calmly as I could.

"I feel the same way," she said in a voice that was so heavenly.  I
didn't know what to think.  I wanted to find out but I was so up in the
clouds that it didn't matter anymore. She cuddled up closer to me.  I
felt her warm body as it pressed up against mine and it sent shivers down
my spine.  I wondered if she really liked me, beyond friendship.

"Goodnight Julia, sweet dreams," I whispered, looking down at her
face.  She leaned up and kissed me.  As her soft lips brushed up against
mine I quivered inside.  I looked at her with such surprise and
astonishment.  For the first time I saw her nervous.  I bent down and
reassured her with my lips.  As I broke away she grasped the side of my
face and pulled me closer to her.

"Sam, I think I'm falling in love with you." she whispered.  No words
could describe what I felt.  "I don't know how it happened but
something inside me tells me that this is right."  The only thing I
could do was to kiss her.

She starts to open her mouth to talk to me and I just kiss her.  I kissed
her like I did so many years before and prey that it will work again.
That all of our problems, all of our hesitations and inabilities will
disappear.  The kiss that once joined us I place on her lips.  My mind
races.  I can only think of ways to make it stop. I am not really
thinking about myself anymore. I only want to erase myself and replace it
with something that she deserves. I am not worthy of her love anymore. I
have failed to bring her what every person should get.  I have made a
mistake and she is at loss.   She looks at me now with nothing, no
expression.  She is blank and I am at fault.

"Sam, honey, please tell me what going on inside of you.  What are you
thinking about?" she said.


"I don't know, I just....."

"You just what?"

"I..."

"You are so strange sometimes.  I wish I knew what you were thinking.
Sam, please...please tell me why you have been avoiding me."

"What do you want me to say."

"Anything, I guess.   Just say something rather than wrap yourself up
and close me out."   There was a long pause.

"Fine Sam, just sit there," she said in an angry tone.  She got up and
headed toward the living room.  "Sorry, if I really make you that
uncomfortable than I'll just leave."

"No, I just..." I chased after her. I didn't want to lose her this
time.

"What? What are you trying to say Sam.  You have been acting so strange
for the past few weeks. Is there something I should know?"

"I...please stay. We only have a short time to spend together and I
don't want to fight."

"What are you talking about?  I am not going anywhere are you?"

"I, I am sorry.  I just lost time for a second. What's going on?"

"Where have you been, we just got into an argument." Oh no.  What is
going on here?  What am I saying or thinking. Something is happening to
me.

"Are you like daydreaming or something?  Sam I'm right here talk to me,
please."  There was a long pause after that. I don't know how long but
it seemed like forever. I finally broke the silence.