Date: Wed, 27 Dec 2000 03:24:04 -0700
From: Meaghan Meyers
Subject: My Lou

Was there ever a time when I knew positively Lou was a lesbian?  No, I
guess I always just understood.  She'd talk about her roommate Jenny, her
emotional distance from her family, having always been a tomboy. She reads
Patricia Cornwall, goes to Solstice Bonfires, drives purple vehicles,
listens to the Indigo Girls, is a diehard Broncos fan.  Of course, the
reason I understood this is because I was going through some of the same
things with my family as I discovered my own acceptance of being a lesbian.
I haven't yet made love with a woman.  I just know I'm a lesbian.  I want
Lou to show me the way.

            Lou and I work almost the same shift at work, have workspaces
almost right next to each other. I hear her talking to customers all day
long and her husky voice and her laughter make my insides curl.  We don't
have much in common.  She's a tomboy I'm a princess. She loves to ride her
motorcycle, I'm afraid of them.  She loves football I don't understand it.
We like the same kinds of music, politically we're the same, we read the
same author.  I laugh at her sometimes-silly jokes.  She's been there while
I went through a messy divorce I've been there when she misses her family
in Nebraska.

            I understood without being told that Lou was protective of
herself I mean, you don't generally announce "Did you see that game on
Sunday, and oh by the way, I sleep with women".  I wasn't the kind of
person who could yet ask someone their sexual preferences; I might offend
you. Her. I understood she was in a relationship. I knew she'd left her
family to move her with her roommate, Jenny.

            She visited my house once after work.  She emails me, we talk
some on the phone. I come home from work talking about Lou.  I masturbate
to thoughts of Lou. As I discover more about lesbian history, politics, and
current beliefs I wish I could ask her questions.  I can't, I won't.  I
just love her and will wait.  I might wait a long time I know. If nothing
else I'm a realist.  Newly divorced, single mother of 3 teenagers who would
freak if they knew about my being a lesbian, overweight.  Why would anyone
want to become my lover?  Her especially.  I'm safe here, longing for her,
loving her, being her friend.  I don't have a snowballs chance in July of
being her lover.  Leave me my fantasy, all right?

             Scenario one: my kids leave for the summer to visit their dad.
After almost a year of having known Lou, I get a call one night.  "Rissa,
Jenny just kicked me out.  Is that extra bedroom still available?"  Like
I'd say no?  We're together in my small house, just the 2 of us.  We read
together, cook together, do yard work together.  She takes me for rides on
her motorcycle where I get a thrill out of having a reason to put my arms
around her and press my breasts into her warm back.  We pass each other in
the hallway fresh out of moist and humid bathrooms.  I listen to her trying
to be so quiet when she masturbates late at night.  I know she can here me
early in the morning before we rise for the day.

One day we decide to paint the extra bedroom.  Of course, this will mean
she has nowhere to sleep and the couch is too short.  "Till the paint dries
and the fumes are gone, why don't you bunk in here with me?"  Going to
sleep is exquisite torture, listening to her breathing settle.  I'll have
to tell her she snores ever so softly.  She also giggles in her sleep, as
if she's telling herself jokes.

When I first got divorced, the thing I missed most of all was not the sex
(which was never good anyway).  It was the smell of waking to someone early
in the morning.  There is something so real, down to earth, and sexual
about that smell. Lou and I went to bed with the windows open.  During the
night it got cold and I woke pressed against Lou, my nose in the hollow
beneath her ear.  I breathed deeply, completely and totally enjoying just
the smell of her.  I knew after she returned to her room in a few days that
I'd masturbate with that smell in my nostrils.  We didn't have to work
today.  I raised my head to look at the clock: 4:30.  Her feet were tucked
back between my legs.  My arm was around her waist.  Her unbound breasts
lay heavy against my arm.

When I woke again sometime later she was on her back, my hand cupping her
heavy breast.  My eyes went from taking in the sight of me holding her
mound to her's to see if she was awake.  She was.  "I'm sorry Lou, it must
have gotten cold during the night." In fact, I could feel her nipple
hardening beneath my fingertips.  How I longed to caress its length.  I
ached to reach with my tongue, circle the edge where I imagined the aureole
stopped and the nipple began its rise.  I hastily removed my hand a scooted
back on the bed to give her some space.

Sleepily she rolled over and put her arm over me.  I felt her breath
whisper its way down my neck as she sighed.  "Rissa, would it bother you to
know I'm a lesbian?"  Bother me?  Heck yes it bothered me, just not in the
way she meant.

"No, of course not silly.  We all have to be who we are.  Did you know you
snore?"

"In all the time I've known you, you've never talked about a date. You're a
beautiful person, Rissa, why is that?  And I DON'T snore."

"I guess the timing has never worked out for me to date the person I really
wanted to.  Okay, it's not really snoring just breathing deeply."

 "If you were to begin dating, what would you look for?  What would catch
your eye most?  Do I really snore?  I'm sorry, I hope I didn't keep you
awake."

Yes dear, you kept me awake.  But not from the snoring.  What do I look
for?  You.  "Well, I'd want someone who makes me laugh, who values that I
think for myself.  Someone who loves life cares about the world around them
and the people in it.  Someone intelligent and sexy."

"Well, I guess I meant physically.  What turns you on?"

You.  "A person's eyes.  A gentle caress.  A good hug. Great legs and a
cute butt don't hurt."  Lou had the most amazing ass: firm, slightly round.
Just begging for my hand to slide across and around it.

She sat up, folding her legs under her.  "I have a confession to make.  I
asked you to paint the room so I'd have an excuse to sleep with you.  I've
wanted you for so long but first there were your kids and I didn't want
them to punish you for the way I feel about you.  Then it just got hard to
get past the careful spaces we put up around ourselves.  In the last year,
I've watched you grow into yourself, into your beliefs.  I think you want
me too, don't you?  Please?"

I couldn't believe what she was saying.  Lou actually wanted me? I'd come
to accept and even like my body with my breasts heavy from having breastfed
three times, my large but strong thighs, my waist that was still thicker
than I honestly would have liked.  But I was a realist.  My butt sags, I
have cellulite.  I turned to look at Lou, a question in my eyes.

Reaching out to caress my face, she slowly lowered her lips to mine,
reaching with the tip of her tongue to graze at the corner of my mouth.
With her hand, she took my heavy breast and began circling the already
turgid nipple.  "I'll be right back, Rissa, really I will"

 At last, I was going to get to love a woman.  And not just any woman.  My
Lou.