Date: Mon, 25 Feb 2008 19:20:12 -0000 From: A P Gilmore <apgilmore@crashnburn1.demon.co.uk> Subject: My Teacher, My Love Part 1 (Lesbian / Adult Youth, f/F) This started as a short story but has developed into something more. I have not yet decided how far to take the story, but i hope to develop into somethng more, this is just a first draft. I have many ideas for many stories, this just seemed to start the ball rolling. It may be changed later, ie characters ages and suitablility to allow a broader audience to enjoy the story. The suggestion that a teacher and student having a romantic relationship, is not always a bad thing, especially to the people involved. This story allows me to explore the trials and tribulations of such a relationship. I hope you enjoy the story, it is what i would class as a romance which is the type of story i like to write. If you have any comments, i would really like some feedback as i am just starting out and hope to see where my ideas will take me, so please email to apgilmore@crashnburn1.demon.co.uk My Teacher, My Love - Part 1 I was waiting, class would be over in 10 minutes and I was ready to finally tell someone my secret. I sat on the back row of my English class, my work finished about 5 minutes ago and since then, I have just sat and stared at the clock on the wall, watching it slowly tick away. I should feel nervous but I'm not, I know this is the right thing to do, I just hope my teacher is as receptive as I hope she is. For the last year I have discovered this secret about myself and kept it as such until I was able to deal with any future problems, I have been researching what can and I feel it is time to finally tell someone. Later today I hope to tell my parents, but I want to tell my teacher first. I need support from someone at school and I feel Miss Taylor will be the one that can help me, because if other students and teachers find out my secret, I will need someone special, someone to support me in whatever negative situation I find myself. Only five minutes to go, I have been planning this conversation for a week now, but I know these type of conversations cant be planned, because the outcome is unknown, not knowing how the other persons will react, but I truly believe Miss Taylor is the right choice. The bell rang loudly to all indicating end of class but also end of the day. I hoped that Miss Taylor had no where to go, because I knew I needed at least an hour of her time, if not longer. By the way before I forget, my name is Sophie Green and I am 14 years old. Mentally and physically I am a well developed young woman, even though I should be classed as a girl. I always felt more mature than my age states. My sister told me I was 10 going on 18; I believed she was very serious when she said that. The people who know me well, have treated me as such, this has helped my confidence, which I will definitely need when I tell my teacher and my parents, my secret. Once the other students have vacated the classroom I pick up my backpack from the floor, hanging it on one shoulder, I stand and approach Miss Taylor's desk. Since I started here over 2 years ago, I have been by myself, no friends my own age, I made the decision I could survive without them. But with the teachers I try and be friendly towards them, I feel they will understand me better. It has helped me to be noticed more as a very hard working student, which helps me want to work harder and impress that much more. Miss Taylor was one such teacher, except we had more of a friendship. If we weren't student or teacher we would definitely be friends, we enjoyed talking a lot about each others interests. We shared a lot of the same likes and dislikes, including the books we read. I was always instigating conversations about her thoughts of the world around us. I trusted her even more than my parents in some ways, like I could tell her anything, so I had chosen her as my secret keeper. She is finishing off what seems to be some marking. She is slouching, her head sitting on her hand of her elbowed left arm, while her right skimmed through the pages of the books and writing down her notes. She looked both tired and bored. Now I was starting to worry, was I doing the right thing, was it a really a good time to have this conversation. Suddenly she looked up at me and as soon as she saw me she smiled at me. Her face softened seeing me, it seemed younger. I got my courage back and approached the desk. "Excuse me miss, but I was wondering if you could spare me some of your valuable time? I need to talk to you about something important to me." Even though I was confident, I was still slightly nervous and Miss Taylor seemed to sense this, she folded the book she was currently working on and put everything aside, giving me her undivided attention. My confidence slowly began to return, Miss Taylor was just the person I thought she is, caring, honest, trustworthy and forthright. "Sophie, please sit." She pointed to her one to one chair she kept just a few feet from her own chair. I dropped my backpack onto floor and sat down, keeping my back straight, my confidence and maturity showing in my posture. "I am your teacher Sophie, whatever you want to talk to me about, you have both my attention and confidence." "I really appreciate that. I need to talk to someone about something, that could potentially develop into a problem, mainly at school and I wanted to tell someone I trusted, hoping for, not only there guidance and support, but also needing a friend. I felt of all the people I know here, you were my first and only choice. Do you think it will be alright for you to talk to me, or do you feel that maybe this is something you cannot get involved with because of your position? It is quite personal. Whatever answer you give me, I will not hold it against you, I consider you honest and very trustworthy." Miss Taylor took off her reading glasses, folding them and placed them on the desk. Then she turned her chair so she was directly facing me. Miss Taylor is only a few inches taller than me, has long flowing blonde hair to my curly, shoulder length mousy brown hair. She is currently wearing a yellow summer dress. She gives off a very warm, welcoming feeling, giving my heart a much needed boost. The impression she is giving me is that we are equals rather than an adult/child. "This sounds very serious Sophie and without knowing the problem, I will not be able to give you a straight answer on to what my answer will be. So at this moment in time, with the fact school is finished for the day, I want you to consider me as your friend rather than as a teacher. I also want you to feel comfortable and call by my first name Amy. Whatever you tell me will not leave this room, unless you tell me otherwise. I'm glad you can see me as someone you can confide in, but it makes me sad that there is no one else you could think of to discuss your problem or problems with. So when you are ready Sophie, tell me how I can help?" "Ok mis... Amy, my secret is I am gay." Suddenly I held my breath, it was out finally, it felt pretty good to finally say it, I had read enough stories about this on the internet, reading peoples testimonies about not only coming to terms with there sexuality, but also the pressures and bigotry a person may face. Admitting or coming out to people was one of the harder steps, as well as admitting it to yourself. Amy just looked down nervously at her feet, she did not say anything for 5 minutes. The longer she was silent, the more anxious I felt. Eventually she looked at me seriously and asked "Why are you telling me?" Not at all what I expected her to ask me, so I gave myself a moment to consider my answer. "One day soon, maybe, students and teachers at this school will find out. I am not the type of person to deny who or what I am. I wanted someone to hopefully support me, just someone I felt I could turn to, a friend. Even though you are my teacher, I trust you above all others and I know you will be there for me, as you have already said, I have your trust. I am sorry if this has put you in an awkward position." "I feel slightly honoured that you feel that way towards me, and you have my trust. To be honest with you, I hope it is not because you like me as anything more than your teacher. Let me rephrase that slightly, do you feel an attraction to me or see me as some sort of future lover." "I think you are a very attractive women, but my feelings towards you and my reasons for talking to you about this, are nothing more than as my teacher and my friend. Believe me, I don't feel ready to find a girlfriend at this moment in time. When I feel more comfortable with my sexuality or if I find someone I really care for in that way and that my affections are returned, I may take the next step, I just need a friend, that is all." "Well thank you again for your trust in me. It sounds like you have had to make some difficult choices, but why have you not told your parents first?" "At first I was going to, I have a very solid and open relationship with them, but I wanted someone at school to know first. I needed to know that when I do tell my parents, they know I have at least some support and guidance here first, it will at least mean they do not have to worry about what may or may not happen, in a place where they cannot look out for me. Not that I am asking you to watch over me or anything, but at least someone who knows me well enough to just be there for me." I was starting to lose my confidence, but more in myself than my teacher. Talking about it was harder than I thought it would be, hopefully now that I am finally coming out, what is probably happening is relief, rather than fear. "Are you scared your parents reaction will be less than positive." "No not really, they may not fully understand, but I do at least feel they will be very loving and supportive off my decision." "How long have you known." "About a year, but as with everything I do, understanding it was the more difficult process. I have been doing a lot of research on the subject, mainly being a young lesbian and about coming out to your parents. The internet is been a most valuable tool over the year, helping me to understand what being gay will mean and what sort of future I am likely to expect. I know my life will not be as simple as people who are straight but I am confident I am more prepared for the future." "So why now, if you do not feel ready to attempt to find a girlfriend, why do you feel you have to tell people now at such a young age. Maybe you should wait a few years, you never know you may find this is just a phase." "Unless you are gay also" she flinched at this, but I simply continued "you just know in yourself enough to believe the truth. I know that very soon, I will be propositioned by boys into dating them. I will not tell them I am gay but I will not lie either, there are only so many honest answers I can give to them, without outing myself. I believe eventually they may figure me out as different to other girls, and as I have said, I will not deny who I am. I have integrity and a strong belief in who I am, my sister told me that no matter what, I am who I am, I should choose to be who I want to be, and if people try and pressure you or force you to be someone you are not, then you may lose yourself. I hope you believe me on this, because another of the reasons I told you first, is that I felt you know and understand me better than anyone else." "I hope you don't mind me asking these questions, please do not think I am judging you. These are just things that others may ask, it is with hope that not only do you understand it, that I can understand it as well. I have no real experience on this subject." She stopped talking and looked down at her shoes. I could not see her face but from the shaking of shoulders and general body language, she was crying. "I am sorry Amy; please tell me what is wrong." I touched her knee to let her know I was there if she needed me, but she flinched at my touch. "I am sorry again; I did not mean to put any pressure on you." I did not know what to do, so decided it would better to leave. I picked up by backpack and made my way towards the door. But as my hand reached for the door handle I heard Amy sniffle. "Please don't leave" she asked. My heart wept for the pain I heard in her voice, I immediately dropped my backpack and went to her, wrapping my arms around her, offering my support. After a few minutes she calmed down and asked me to sit again. I apologised again but she put her hands up to stop any further talking from me. "Please don't apologise, you have done nothing wrong, in fact, if anyone should apologise, it should be me." I was about to interrupt but she held up her hand again. "Please allow me to explain. There is a something that very few know about me, a secret hidden from many people especially from myself. There is this pain inside of me and I have let it consume me. I almost lied to you Sophie, which upset me more than you could ever know. I know that you have asked for my support and I beg your forgiveness for allowing my own past to almost break the trust we have built and ask for your support now. I need to tell you my own secret, it is finally time I stopped hiding, admit to myself the truth and finally tell someone." Part of me knew what she was going to say, but I gave her the chance to tell me. "Amy, nothing you tell me will leave my lips, I can see the hurt and pain in your eyes. If you need to tell me, you have my confidence and trust as well as my friendship. I will do my best to help and support you, that is the true bond of friendship and nothing would make me happier to have that bond with you. I believe we are true kindred spirits and together we can stand up to our fears, heads held high, together we can do anything." Suddenly she broke down again. I saw the utter relief Amy was showing, I had given her hope. This made me cry as well, I felt proud of myself for being able to help someone important to me. She quickly stood and lifting me out of my seat, wrapped me in a tight hug. I wrapped my arms around her waist as we held each other and cried. This was a major turning point in our friendship; the bond we had built over the last few years was sealed. I had never felt a feeling as strong. After a lot of comfortable minutes in each others arms we slowly parted, Amy kissed me on the cheek and offered I take my seat again. Once she was seated and we had both composed ourselves, she gave me her biggest smile ever. "In all my life I have never felt closer to another person. It is a truly amazing feeling, and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for your friendship and support. I am extremely thankful that you have come into my life." "I feel exactly the same, I think we are closer than any two friends could be. It is a very warm and happy feeling that I do not wish to lose." "Whatever happens I feel nothing could ever break our friendship. You know, the moment you first came into this classroom, I knew just by that first smile you gave me that you were someone very special." "I felt it too, you understand me, you showed your trust and belief in me, better than anyone else has, you have truly become my closet friend and confident. So do you feel ready talk, if you need more time, I can give you as much as your need." "No, I need to do this now, I feel strong, stronger than ever. Sophie, I am gay too." Now this is what I was expecting her to say but it was still a shock, but I felt closer to her. "So you know what I am going through, that helps me a great deal to know I have someone who knows what to expect and who I can talk to without any prejudice." "Well as I said earlier, not many know my secret, you are the first I have told in 8 years. Since then I have been too afraid to admit it. I haven't even dated to confirm my true feelings. I have hidden myself away from the world and just stuck to teaching, distracting myself with books and homework. There are two people in the world that I have had strong feelings for, people that maybe I might attempt to reveal my true self to. I hope to find love one day, true love, but my fears, I am afraid, got the better of me." She wasn't crying anymore but seemed very upset. "So these two people, you were afraid of telling either of them." She gave herself a moment to compose herself. "Please bear with me; I have a lot to tell, especially to you. It will only work if I explain everything to you, so that not only do you understand what you may face better, but also what I have been afraid to face myself. I know I should have talked sooner about this, but I never felt I had the right opportunity to voice my fears, until now. Sophie in the time you have started this conversation, you have helped me so much. I have been given the true gift of friendship, I feel blessed to know you and hope whatever ever I say neither upsets you or ruins the bond we have sealed this very night, a bond that has developed over the years in to something special." She paused again. I slid my chair forward so I could be closer to her. I held out my hands so that I could hold hers, offering my non-verbal support. She took both my hands and held them tight. She gave me another smile and continued. "I was 15 years old when I first told anyone of my feeling, it was my best friend. For years we were friends and for most of that time I was very much in love with her. At first I never understood how much I really loved her, but whenever we were apart I felt a loss. It was a very difficult time for me, still is in fact. My parents had recently divorced and for some reason there time with me was limited as they tried to deal with, not only the loss, but finding someone to replace the other. I was left behind to fend for myself, luckily Claire was there to support me. It was just after my 15th birthday that I attended my fathers wedding, but only if Claire was allowed to come. During the party I asked Claire to dance, just because no one else seemed to ask me. She agreed and it was during that dance I realised just how beautiful she was, how much she meant to me. It was on that night I knew I was gay. I ran from her that night afraid of what I was feeling having no understanding what I was going through, I apologised later explaining I needed air. After several months I understood that I had always preferred women to men and had also learned of the term lesbian. I needed to talk to someone, so I felt my best friend would understand and stay by my side. I did not tell her that I liked her that way or anything, I just told her that I liked women sexually. She then asked if I liked her as more than a friend. My answer was honest and true, I would not lie to her, so I said yes, but her reaction was not of friendship. I told her I did like her that way, I loved her very much, but this was not what she wanted to hear. She became very angry at me, called me a lot of names I didn't understand, though I could hear the hate in her voice. After that I never spoke to her again. We avoided each other at school and ever since. What hurt more than anything though, was that she not only told her parents, who told my parents, but she told other students, which soon turned into the whole school knowing. I was picked on and ridiculed; it was the worst time of my life. When I finished school, I left home and the county, going to university to study to become a teacher. Sophie, the person you chose to tell your secret too, me, was the one person who actually became a teacher to be able to be there for the students. Other teachers may have simply denied the problem was there, like my teachers did at my school. And I only hope your parents at least carry on talking to you, because once I left home, they no longer wanted to have anything to do with me." Gradually as she told me her story, more and more tears cascaded down her cheeks. I could feel her pain, not only in the years of unshed tears, but in the way her hands were shaking. "I am sorry Amy that you had to go through that alone, but now I am here, you can share your pain and let it out. This is the time to finally break free of your pain, hopefully now you can finally accept it and move on with your life and find someone who deserves your love. I know you have plenty of love in you, that not only do you use everyday to help you students succeed but also for people like me, who need that love and support to help them through the rough roads of life. I am very glad to have you in my life and knowing I was absolutely right to choose you. I only hope that there is another out there, the love of my life, who is just like you." She broke down again but also pulled me into another hug, the best yet, we both felt the love and friendship we shared and both felt even stronger towards each other as we cried happy tears. We both slowly parted, I looked into Amy's eyes, seeing right into her soul. I raised my hand to gently wipe the tears from her face. She reached up and held my hand to her face as she learned into. As she held it there, with her other hand she held my face. It was then I realised that I loved her, like the moment she felt with her friend, it was a shocking revelation, but it was a truth I could not deny. Looking into her eyes, I could see that she felt it too. My hand gently stroked the hand that was cupping my face while my thumb on my other hand caressed her cheek. "I love you." I said softly. After everything Amy had gone through I needed to tell her that, but not only for her but for me. Even at a young age, what I had just said along with the gentle strokes my hands were making, I knew I had found my one true love. Amy smiled, a few gentle tears left her already swollen red eyes. "I love you too Sophie." At this declaration to each other, we both leaned towards the other. Our eyes closed, our heads tilted as our lips joined in the most amazing feeling I have ever experienced. Our first kiss. It was very gentle, a kiss that both of us could truly feel the love we felt for each other. Eventually we parted, but we kept our faces close. The smile on her face was the biggest I had ever seen, mine I felt, was just as big. We just looked at each other for a long moment. But eventually we both let go of each other, remembering where we were. She broke the silence first, it was the only time I was very afraid of rejection. This showed on my face. "I don't regret that kiss, if that is what you are worried about. But I am your teacher, as you are my student, which in the rule books of all schools, is number 1 on the not to do list. But we both love each other, a love I know is strong and true, that we will hopefully share for the rest of lives, I will not lose that love, now or ever." I nodded my head gently in agreement, truly stunned that all this was happening. "Forever." I said simply. "This is not going to be easy for either of us, we have to be very careful, I am not going to lose you. I need you Sophie like I need air. I don't ever want to feel the loneliness I have felt in the last 8 years. I will hand in my resignation in the morning." "No! I do not wish you to leave." I said it harshly, but I left no doubt that I would not let her do this. "But I cannot be here and have you as well; it is just too risky if anyone were to find out." "I need you here and so does every one of your other students. You are one of the best teachers in the school, you may think I am biased but it is true. Firstly I would like to say we are partners now. Partner's means that no matter what happens, we are in this together, we make decisions together, and that is one I refuse to agree to. I may be 14, but I know who I am and what I want, but I also understand the risk we undertake. We have some big decisions to make, but together we can do anything. We are meant to be together, whether it is now or in 10 years. I don't think I could wait for when I finish school to be together. We need to be together now and forever. I love you Amy, I know I only truly knew it and told you a short time ago, but I feel as if I knew that from the moment I met you. But with everything I am I will protect you and our love and make sure for now, nobody finds out." By now neither of use was trying to stop the happy tears we both shed. We were sharing a moment neither of us would ever forget. "I loved you too from that moment, I did know it, but I felt you would never know." "I was the second person you mentioned earlier." She simply nodded. "Amy I am very afraid of what tomorrow brings us, I know it won't be easy. But we have tonight and I want to suggest something to you. Before I tell you I want you to understand, that we agree or disagree together from now on. But it may help give as least some peace of mind for the future." "You want to tell you parents about us don't you, when you tell them you are gay." Wow, we really do love and know each other well. "Does our love mean we can read each others mind?" She laughed, which was nice to hear after a night of many tears. "Kind of, as you say we are partners, for that we need to understand each other, I know you well enough to know this is too important to keep this from them, and with there support and hopeful acceptance, we must have no secrets from the ones we love, especially each other. I agree you should tell them, though I think you should do that yourself, but if you want me there I will be." "You know I am still shocked at everything that has happened tonight, a night that will mean more to me than anything else. We should get home before it is too late. I told my parents I would be staying behind, that I wanted to talk to my teacher; I asked if they could both stay home tonight, so I could talk to them after. Can you give me a lift home?" She nodded happily. "I agree that I should talk to them on my own, but I would like you nearby so I can have them meet you afterwards." "I will drop you off and then go home, get something to eat and I think I need to freshen up a bit. I will give you my home number, I don't live very far and I think it should only take me few minutes to get back to you." We both agreed and even though we were both tired, we both knew this needed to be done tonight and not leave it till tomorrow. We both exchanged each others numbers, both home and mobile and left to head off to our future. Apart from directions we spoke very little to each other as we headed to my house. I think we were both nervous, me for the added news I was going to give my parents. This is why you should never plan a conversation; you never know what that outcome will be. Amy, I think, she was worried about me and what my parents were going to do or say. Her job and livelihood was very much at risk if my parents became disagreeable, which even I could not promise would not happen, so remained silent on the conversation. Once she stopped the car outside my house, I needed some reassurance. "Amy, can I have another kiss, I need share our love if just for a moment?" She looked in my eyes and then nodded, as we both brought our lips together for a brief second kiss. "Sophie, no matter what I love you, whatever happens, I will support you in anyway I can." "Amy I love you too, I'll never get tired of saying that, nothing will keep us apart."