Date: Tue, 13 Jul 2004 22:48:33 -0400
From: jackie <missqueensheba@comcast.net>
Subject: All that surrounds me - Installment 3

All That Surrounds Me - Part 3 : Love and Catastrophe

Disclaimer - If you shouldn't be reading this, don't.


Drawing Conclusions

     I paced back and forth, trying to understand what exactly was going
on.  I made every attempt to use all the logic in my brain.  At the point I
was at, anything that made sense was enough for me.  If I could find
something that even remotely fit the missing pieces, I was happy.
     The most obvious conclusion was that Sarah was not in jail.  In that
case, it was easy to perceive that somehow, something had altered.  The
problem was, it just made things all the more confusing.  I was overwhelmed
with lingering questions and unhealed wounds.  Basically, I was headed up
shit's creek with no paddle.
     Over the next series of weeks I pondered more and more.  So many times
I attempted to ask Sarah about the situation, but failed miserably.  My
mouth would go dry, my heart would pound rapidly.  Eventually I disregarded
it, and even tried to block it out of my conscious.  Although, my pitiful
attempt at this failed terribly.  The past always came back to haunt me.
There was a fear far too deep in me.  A strong sense of emotion for what I
did and did not know always stayed on my mind.
     My denial only lasted for a few weeks.  I found myself back at the
public library, on the computer.  I spent hours searching for information
on Joseph Berenna.  On my first try I only found a few articles, but
eventually I pulled up valuable personal interviews and special reports.
       Joseph was apparently a very powerful stock broker.  He used to live
in Italy, where he was a wealthy salesmen.  He moved to the United States
in 1992 and married Sarah's mother, Jocelyn He owned six major gunpowder
plantations and very large amounts of stock.  It only took me six hours of
reading to find that out...
     The more I read, the more intense it became.  Pieces of the puzzle
started to fall together for once.  Common sense finally allowed me to
partially understand things.
      Joseph Berenna had enough money to blow up Big Red China and rebuild
it.  Having power and authority gave him the upper hand.  Compared to him,
Sarah was incredibly weak.  He could do anything that pleased him, and it
wouldn't have made the least bit of difference.  All because he had one
thing Sarah did not; money.
     I had sat for twenty minutes, just staring at the computer screen.
Vivid scenes played in my mind over and over again.  I imagined Joseph
shooting Jocelyn right before Sarah's innocent eyes.  The blatant violence
of his actions and lack of remorse fled through my veins.  At that moment I
realized I was walking on a very dark path.  I could only ask myself if I
was ready for what was to come, because I knew eventually the truth would
come out.  The real question was, did I really want to know?

Unbreakable

     Sarah was sprawled out on the couch with the remote in her hands.  Her
bare feet hung about three inches off the end of the sofa.  She was fast
asleep with the television blaring.  I smiled, knowing that a bottle used
to sit right next to her when she laid in that same spot.
     I stood next to her and stroked her forehead.  Sarah shifted, then
opened her eyes, looking directly at me.  She frowned and winced at first,
adjusting to the light in the room.  It was soon replaced with a sweet
smile that stretched ear to ear.
     I was so proud of her.  She was working hard to recovery.  It had been
six weeks since her last drink.  I had finally retrieved my position back
of being first in her life.
      "Move it fatso," I joked.  I pushed my left butt cheek directly in
Sarah's face.  She chuckled and slapped my ass playfully, highly amused by
our flirting.  "This is my seat," she replied.  I began to playfully kick
her and battle so I could sit down.  Once I got my seat, I triumphantly
waved my hands in the air, claiming my victory.  I laughed hysterically as
Sarah pushed me back down, tickling and placing wet kisses all over my
face.
     I knew that being back together made Sarah and I much more happy.  I
always felt that life without her was like life without oxygen.  Knowing
that she was always there gave me a sense of security I never wanted to
live without.  She was everything to me.  The amount of love I felt for her
was surreal.
     I leaned back until I was flat on the sofa cushion.  Sarah followed
and wrapped her arms around my waist.  I felt her hand on my bare stomach,
tantalizing where my jeans were unbuttoned.  Her fingers were caressing me
gently as she nuzzled my neck.
     Sarah leaned down on me and began to kiss my lips.  I moaned in her
mouth as her soft silky lips touched mine.  I had missed her so much.  Six
weeks without bodily contact with her was far too long.  I knew that as
soon as I felt her hands again.  Every time she touched me my whole body
shuddered.  Little waves of pleasure kept electrifying me.
      It was hard to believe that we were only kissing and I could already
feel the wetness between my legs.  I had never been so easily sexually
aroused before.  Just thinking about her body was making me burn with
desire.
     Sarah's tongue was rubbing intensely against mine, plundering and
tasting.  I softly whimpered, completely involved in the kiss.  Sarah's
lips were so tender and moist.  I could never get enough of her taste.  I
savored every second of our colliding mouths.
     She began to kiss a trail down my neck.  I felt the silky texture of
her lips gently warm my skin.  When Sarah reached my chest she began to go
slow, taking extra time to please me.  Her hands moved up my shirt, rubbing
my breasts through the fabric of my bra.  The heat of her palms magically
touched me ever so gently.
     Sarah kissed me again, and began to take off my shirt.  I felt her
hands unhook the clasp of my bra before it fell to the floor.  She looked
at me tenderly for a moment, and then began her torment again.  Her mouth
caressed the valley between my breasts while touching my nipples with the
tips of her fingers.  Sarah gently massaged my left nipple with her palm as
her mouth suckled on the other.  The passion began to rise between my legs
even more, and I was dying in ecstasy.  My heart was pounding rapidly as I
got more caught up in emotion.
     I had already removed Sarah's shirt and had my hand down her
unbuttoned pants.  My fingers moved in a circular motion on her nub of
desire.  I could see the pleading in her eyes as I touched her.  Her
breathing became heavier, more distinct.  She had longed for me as much as
I did her.
     After removing my hand from her pants, Sarah began to bend down, and
her mouth was touching my stomach.  I felt her tongue move in and out of my
belly button, tickling me.  She once again returned to my mouth and kissed
me tenderly.  It was one of the things I loved most about her.  She always
put so much emotion into our kissing.  It was more than just a kiss to
Sarah.  It was showing of all our love and passion for one another.
     Out of the blue, for some strange reason, Sarah brought the kiss to a
halt.  I opened my eyes and looked at her face.  She was rattling my
senses.  Now was not a good time to be stopping.
     "Are you sure it has been long enough?"  Sarah asked.  There was a
real concern in her voice and expression.  She was worried that we were
moving too fast.
     "Any longer and I'm gonna have to join the nunnery," I said.  With
that, she laughed and took complete possession of my mouth.  Her lips
crushed against mine for another intense kiss.  Her hot tongue darted
inside my mouth and entwined with mine.  I could not get enough of it.
     Sarah moved back down to my belly button.  Her tongue circled my
navel, sending shivers down my spine.  I was shaking as she removed my
pants.  I could feel her hot breath as she kissed my inner thigh.  I was
dripping wet with anticipation.  I did not know how much longer I could
endure of her blissful torture.
     She was kissing by the fabric line of my bikini underwear.  Her tongue
slightly touched the inside of my aching pussy.  I thought I was going to
faint from the punishment of her lips.  I wanted nothing more than to feel
her wet hot mouth on my suffering pussy.  She had prolonged it already for
so long.
     I was letting out soft whimpers as Sarah teased and moved her tongue
against my pussy lips.  I was lifting my hips against her face, begging for
it.  "Please, take me Sarah," I begged.  She had a wicked smile on her
face, satisfied with the torment she gave me.
     Finally she removed my panties and began to touch where I wanted to be
touched the most.  Sarah used her mouth to caress my pussy.  I felt the
crave for her lips as she licked and sucked between my legs.  I could not
help but to squeeze my calves around her head as I moaned louder and louder
for her.  The incredible feelings washing through me only intensified my
need for Sarah, and it was stronger than ever.
     Every time she hit a more sensitive area I would thrust my hips harder
at her mouth, begging for more.  I pleaded and earnestly asked for her to
do it harder or faster.  I could not stop my deeply expressive sounds and
audible moans.
     My heart fluttered as Sarah rose and began to kiss me again.  Her
fingers took place of her mouth, and I again began to grumble.  I closed my
eyes, and prayed to god that she would never stop.
     "Oh god, I love you Sarah," I said between gasps.  My nails were
digging into her shoulder blades as my heels pushed into the couch.  As
Sarah picked up the pace, I let out more expressive cries of pleasure.  I
was so wrapped up in our lovemaking, I did not really care how loud I was.
     "Don't stop!"  I cried lustfully.  Her fingers were penetrating my
clit up and down, just in the right spot.  Her rhythm was fast and forceful
as my body shuddered against her hand.  My head was hitting the table
behind the arm of the couch, almost knocking things over.  By this time, I
was ready to die of ecstasy.
       I kissed her again as her fingers made love to me over and over.  I
closed my eyes and arched my body in pure pleasure as she rubbed my clit
unmercifully.  All in one radiating sudden rush, the orgasm hit.  My body
went rigid as Sarah slowed the pace down, and rubbed less harshly.  The
orgasm continued, lasting for what seemed like a century.
     I kissed her lips once again, and said, "I love you" while heavily
panting.  Sarah smiled at me momentarily, then went back to kissing.  I was
slowly returning to planet earth.
     I laid down for a moment, gaining some self control.  I so much wanted
to give my baby the same performance she had just given me.  I reached for
Sarah to pull her on top of me and only grasped hold of the cushion.
Confused, I sat up and began glancing around.
          She was walking towards the bathroom with a toothbrush hanging
out of her mouth.  "What are you doing?"  I asked angrily.  Sarah pulled
the toothbrush out of her mouth and said, "getting ready for work."  She
blew me a kiss, shut the door and went along her merrily little way.  The
first time we had even thought about having sex in six weeks and she was
getting ready for work?
     Sick of her never allowing me to do anything, I got up off the couch.
I stormed into the bathroom, threw open the door, grabbed Sarah by the arm,
and pushed her against the wall.  "You can be late," I said.  After that,
the only thing I heard was the toothbrush fall to the floor, and the sound
of our kissing.
     My lips took over hers, and I was making the rules from then on out.
The first thing I did was rip off her baggy pants.  My hand then traveled
inside her panties, feeling what I had been dying to touch.  She leaned her
head against the wall and slightly moaned.  Sarah was not one to make
noise, but she seemed sensitive to my touch.
     My mouth closed in on her breast and began to suckle.  My other hand
still lingered over the inside of her pussy lips.  I rubbed back and forth
very lightly as I continued to suck her breasts.  I could feel her body
twitching and jumping when I found a delicate area.
     My mouth found its way back to hers.  Before I knew it, we were
wrapped up in another intense tongue session.  I was hot for her soft lips
and warm mouth.
     I felt Sarah's hand on my ass as I rubbed her breast with my palm.  We
continued to kiss as I fondled her more.  My lips slightly traveled over
her neck as I kept going lower.  Finally I was inhaling her sweet aroma
that I had awaited.
     "Oh shit," Sarah moaned as my mouth sucked on her clitoris.  Her voice
was faint, body overwhelmed.  I plastered myself deep inside, tasting
Sarah's sweet juices.  My tongue was far inside her pussy hole, going in
and out at a rapid pace.
       I knew she could not take much more of my unkind anguish.  My tongue
began flickering against her clitoris, trying to bring her to that vast
peak of desire.  Her legs were supported on my shoulders as my hands
gripped her calves.  She was writhing against my face forcefully.
     I soon became aware that she was going to climax.  Sarah let out a
loud cry of passion in the throws of her orgasm.  Her knees went weak as
she gave violent convulsions against my mouth.  Her breath was raspy,
quick.  It wasn't until she fell to the floor next to me that I could feel
her heart beat again.
     Afterwards, Sarah and I laid on the tile, hand in hand.  We snuggled
tightly against one another, smelling the aroma of our lovemaking in the
air.  I tenderly moved the piece of hair that was dangling in her face,
witnessing her sweet smile.  I clutched her hand harder, knowing that there
would never be a more satisfying privilege.  I would never feel such
gratification loving anybody else.  Our love was unbreakable.


Indispensable January 2002

     I threw my keys on the table and sat down on the sofa in exhaustion.
It seemed like every Friday that I worked I just became more and more
tired.  I felt pathetic.  I was twenty four and already coming home with
aches and pains in my body.
     For the slightest moment I glanced at the newspaper clipping that
barely peeked out of my purse.  I wanted very badly to confront Sarah about
it.  It was eating me up inside, but I just kept wondering how it would
affect her.  She was under so much pressure already.  That would be too
much to endure.  I knew she was very sensitive when it came to past events.
     "Hey baby," Sarah said smiling as she walked in the living room.  She
adjusted the bandanna on her head so it was straight.  I sniffed in the air
as she came closer, admiring the way she looked and smelled.  She was
growing her hair out.  I thought it looked very sexy.
     "Hey," I said leaning back and kissing her.  She wrapped her arms
around my neck warmly and kissed my cheek.  "Rough day?" she asked.  I
shook my head no, and placed my feet on the armrest.
     "Will you rub my shoulders?" I asked.  Sarah nodded and jumped over
the back of the couch.  I lifted myself to an Indian style sitting position
to make things easier for her.  Taking advantage of this, she wrapped her
legs around my waist and began to rub my back fiercely.
     "I'm so tired..  I guess I get sick of all these new cooks we have.
None of them can get an order right.  They don't read the tickets, and it
takes forever for them to make the food.  Now I can see why Rob misses you
so terribly," I said.  Sarah sighed and slightly chuckled.
     "Tell Rob to pay me twenty two bucks an hour and I'm his," she said.
I laughed and replied, "he probably would.  I'm telling you, the guy loves
you.  I just hope I don't have any competition."
      "Nah...besides, I think I am happiest doing what I do now.  I never
really liked cooking too much.  I do love cars though.  Knowing that you
hear an engine running perfect because you fixed it just kind of puts a
smile on your face."
     "You know, Rob told me that he set you up with that job at the Olive
Garden," I said.  My hands were shaking.  I was starting a battle without
armor.  Sarah did not like talking about past events, and I was more than
well aware.  I could already sense hesitation in her as she stopped
massaging momentarily.
     "Yeah.  Well Rob knows I have a record.  They wouldn't have hired me,
or certainly let me become a manager if it wasn't for him.  He liked me, so
he did me a favor," Sarah said.  I nodded, wanting to ask more.  I knew it
was risky, but I had to take the chance.
     "What did you do that was so bad?  Why wont anybody hire you?"  Sarah
looked at me, and said, "stupid shit."  I was so sick of getting those kind
of answers.  "Stupid shit," or "dumb stuff," was what I heard.  I wanted
real, audible answers that consisted more than two words.
     "I had two accounts of grand theft auto and one on embezzlement,"
Sarah said.  "I think that is enough for even McDonalds to be unsure about
hiring me in."  I winced, wondering why she was charged with embezzlement.
What happened to the murder, and Joseph Berenna?  What about her mother,
Jocelyn?  She was not telling me the whole truth, and I was becoming angry.
     "Do you want to talk about it?" I asked.  "Nah, not really," she said.
"It's over.  I've shaped myself up and now I have a beautiful girlfriend I
love and adore.  I'm fine with that." Sarah stopped rubbing my shoulders
completely and got off the couch.
     "That's great and everything, but that wonderful girlfriend kind of
worries about you.  I mean, I ask questions and get these feeble responses.
I just want to know what is going on in your life and I think you're
holding back."  I watched her as she walked to the kitchen sink and ran the
faucet.  The water fell in her hands and Sarah rinsed her face, toweling it
after she finished.  Her body was trembling with anxiety.  I was going to
take a guess and say this was not something open for discussion.
     "Why do you do this?"  Sarah asked.  I looked at her dumbfounded and
said, "do what?"  I knew perfectly well why she was angry
     "How many times have I said, `it's in the past?'  How many fucking
times do I have to say, `no Angela, I don't want to talk about it?'  How
many fucking times?  Well, guess what?  I'll tell you once more.  No, I
don't want to talk about it.  Okay?  Not now, not tomorrow, not ever.  Is
that enough for you?"
      She paced back and forth with her hands on her hips.  Her face was
crude and ugly.  I hated when she acted like this.  It was worse than when
she was drunk.
     "You know what?  This is bullshit," I said.  Sarah looked over at me,
angry with my antagonizing.  She could be mad all she wanted, because I was
not going to just let it go.  "You have to start explaining things to me,
and quit shutting me out.  God!  You know I love you, so why can't you just
trust me for once Sarah?  You know about my past.  So why wont you tell me
yours?"
     Sarah sarcastically chuckled, and said, "I know about your past huh?
Meeting your parents is knowing about your past?  Wow, I didn't know that."
She let off a derogatory scoff and kicked the sofa.
     "Bullshit!  I have told you almost everything!"  I was becoming
frustrated.  I knew I had left out a huge part of my life to her, but only
because I couldn't bare my childhood.  I never wanted to refer to that part
of me ever again.
     "The worst part is, you feel that is enough for me to know.  Listen to
what you say to me Angela. *Almost,* is not *everything.* You want to know
about my life, but never want to share any of yours."
     My anger was building.  Sarah was beginning to really agitate me.
"You know what this is about?  This is about you, and your trust issues.
Look how long we have been together, and realize how much your secrets
effect our relationship.  I don't want to lose you over knowing your past,
but I also don't want to live in contempt.  I don't want to feel worthless,
like you can't trust me."
     Sarah stood across the room from me with her hands placed against her
hips.  She let out a deep guttural sigh, and began to talk.  "You're
wrong," she said.  I stared into her face, listening intently.
     "This is not about trust," she continued.  "This is about you and I,
learning to cope with what is behind us.  I have no intentions of this
intervening with our relationship.  It is my problem, and my decision of
whether or not I want to tell you.  Right now, I don't want to tell you.
When the time is right, you will know."
     "That is not fair," I said bewildered.  She was not giving me too much
of a choice.  The fact was, I did not like what was happening to us.  I had
no control over our relationship, and it was killing me.


Happy Anniversary

     My mouth was dry, hands shaking.  I held the long box in my hands,
wondering its content.  Sarah was sitting next to me on the couch, eager to
watch me remove the lid.  I thought she was more excited than I was.
     I was never too keen on gifts.  Don't get me wrong, I liked things,
but I never dwelled on my possessions.  I would much rather receive a card
or a rose than expensive jewelry, but every time our anniversary rolled
around, Sarah would buy something outrageous.  I was thankful for the gift
either way, but I just wasn't materialistic.  I guess I never saw the value
in it.
     Once I lifted the lid, I noticed the sparkle.  Staring at it in awe, I
picked up the diamond necklace, being careful with something so fragile.
Sarah was laughing and giggling, making an attempt to help me put it on.  I
just smiled, thankful that she thought of me so much.
     I held Sarah's hand and kissed her cheek gently.  I felt so lucky to
have somebody who cared about me.  She made a big deal over a five year
anniversary.  I thought it was the cutest thing.
     I handed Sarah her present, almost feeling ashamed.  "It isn't going
to seem like much compared to the necklace, but I thought it was going to
be enough."  She just looked over at me, and gave the warmest smile I had
ever seen.  "Whatever it is, is more than enough."
     I watched her open the small box, and reveal a faded out gold ring.
She looked at it momentarily, then back up at me.  I knew she was awaiting
an explanation.
     "About 10 years or so ago, I was 15.  My mother would always be out
playing bingo, or cards, or whatever, so she would leave me with my
grandmother.  Most of my life, her and my grandfather took care of me.  I
would go home for a day or so, and boom, the next day I would be right back
on their door step."
     I took a deep breath, and continued.  "Anyways, after my grandfather
died, she gave me this ring.  She told me that he bought it for her on
their fifth anniversary.  He said to her, `if after five years of this
we're still together, what makes you think that five more will be any
obstacle?'"
     I took the ring out of the case and put in on Sarah's finger.  I
looked up at her face and said, "The day my grandmother gave this to me,
she told me `your grandfather wasn't rich, or a body builder, or a genius,
but he was the love of my life.  So I want you to know, it's okay if
whoever you fall in love with isn't perfect, as long as they are in your
eyes.'"
       Sarah glanced at me, trying to fight the tears in her eyelids.  She
looked down at the ring, and I moved her face back to me.  Her eyes
reverted to mine.  "So, I just want you to know that we may fight, we may
have our fair share of problems, but you're perfect in my eyes, and that is
more than enough for me."

So open up the book that you keep deep inside Let the pages yellow in the
sun Show them that you're not afraid to let them see How far you can be
from home - Tonic



Notes : Sarah was accused of killing Joseph berenna because of money.  His
will was to leave half of the money he had to his wife.  His plan was to
kill Jocelyn and marry Antoinette Vanqulizele.  His only reasoning of
marrying her was to get a green card and become settled in the U.S.
Antoinette was not an American citizen.  His plan backfired because Sarah
attempted to stop him.  She ended up shooting him in the heart.  Joseph
dies.  Before he died he paid off Amy (who needs to be introduced) with 2
million dollars to blame Sarah for the killing of Jocelyn.  Amy was Sarah's
lover. She actually received most of his money when he died.  Truthfully
she has 28 million dollars.