Date: Sun, 17 Aug 2003 23:43:57 +0000
From: Tamara R <greedyflyohmy@hotmail.com>
Subject: Sharing The Spotlight

**Disclaimer** If you are too younger, or if it is illegal for you to read
this...  don't read it!  Everyone may enjoy!


Sharing the Spotlight


       Her life was mine to hold, to love.  I told her many times that
nothing would ever come between us, that I would always be there for her.
One night ruined everything we had ever built together.
       It was a Saturday.  I called to tell her that I was on my way.  When
I arrived at her apartment, she greeted me at her door.  Maybe it was
because I had been looking forward to this night for so long, or maybe it
was because she was looking so good all dressed up, but I couldn't keep my
hands off of her.  I barely said hello before I laid my body into her and
pressed her against the wall.  I pushed hard against her leg letting out a
moan in between the lustful kisses in which we were engaging.
       Suddenly, she pushed me back and looked at me, "Hon, I really wish
we could finish this but we have to get to your premiere, and we don't want
to show up in wrinkled attire."
       Damn, she was right; she always is.  So I took her hand and led her
downstairs to my car.  I opened the door and let her in.  I was like a kid
again.  I ran to the other side of the car and hopped in.  The drive seemed
to take forever, which was fine by me.  I drove the entire time with my
hand on her thigh, and we were constantly exchanging glances with each
other.
       We were attending the premiere of an indie film in which I played
the lead role.  It was the headliner for the national gay/lesbian film
festival.  Anyway, we neared the red carpet and I was so nervous.  She
grabbed my hand, gave it a squeeze.  I turned and gave her a kiss.
Everything was going so well.  We walked down the aisle still holding
hands; people were yelling for our attention and asking for us to talk to
them, but we had to get inside.
       A couple of hours later, the film ended and the theatre was quiet.
I was so scared.  Suddenly, and slowly, a round of applause spread through
the theatre.  The movie was a success.
       Afterwards, we all stood around in the lobby, which had been turned
into an afterparty area.  As I mingled with the crowd, we would constantly
catch each other's eyes from cross the room and smile.
       Then this little voice came from behind me. "Hi," she whispered.
        I turned around and almost choked on my drink.  Don't get me
wrong--I've been known to check out other women on occasion, but no one
could compare to my girl.  When I saw this woman with the quiet voice, I
couldn't help but stare.
       She was a vision in her dapper tux, topped off with the coolest
spiky hairdo I'd ever seen.  Her gray eyes sparkled underneath the lenses
of her retro-style, black- rimmed glasses, and all of her body language was
saying that she wanted to be just a little bit closer to me.  I had no idea
what to do.
       "Hi," I responded nonchalantly.  "Were you here for the premiere?" I
asked.  Dumb question.
       Her grin widened.  "Yeah," she replied with enthusiasm, "You were
fantastic!"
       I blushed about the deepest shade of red imaginable.  Out of the
corner of my eye, I could see my faithful girlfriend checking out my new
acquaintance from afar.  She did not look pleased.  It takes a lot to make
me blush, and she knew it.
       "Thanks," I murmured.  I felt like a teenager again, sort of kicking
at the carpet and enjoying the compliment received from a cute girl.
"Listen, I gotta go--my girlfriend is sort of alone over there."
       Her smile collapsed.  "Oh...uh, sorry about that.  I didn't know
you--"
       "Yeah, so, it was great to meet you, and I'm glad you liked the
movie, and what was your name?" I asked.  I couldn't believe I asked for
her name!
       She reached into her pocket and handed me a card.  "I'm Hannah."
She blushed as her fingers touched mine, and I felt a little shiver down my
spine.
       Hannah.  I like that name.
       "Give me a call some time," Hannah suggested.  "Maybe we can do
lunch--talk about your next project; or whatever, you know...whatever you
want."
       With that Hannah gave me a little wink, turned on her heels and
disappeared into the afterparty crowd.
       It wasn't ten seconds later that my lovely date had her arms around
me and was dragging me into the washroom for some...alone time.  With
Hannah's card safely in my wallet, I forgot about the preceding moment and
took advantage of my receptive love.
       Bathroom stall sex is never the best you'll ever have, but you
know...it's pretty adventurous.  I recommend it.
       Possible wrinkling of clothes forgotten, and possibly the imminent
threat of the woman in the tux remembered, Tara was like a wild animal
clawing at my navy jacket, nearly ripping buttons from my new aquamarine
blouse, pushing her delicate fingers under my belt and into my brand new
black silk boxers.
       I placed a few breathy pecks all around her neck before I moved my
hands up under her skirt.  I unbuttoned her blouse with my teeth, being the
professional seductress I had become thanks to Tara's instruction.
       We maneuvered around underneath each other's clothing without
actually ever getting entirely naked, as we had done dozens of times
before.  It was all the way that it usually was with us--passionate and
urgent and wonderful.
       Until the talking, that is.
       You know how sometimes, in the heat of the moment, you call out your
lover's name, and it's like the best word you've ever uttered in your life?
Well, there we were, me and Tara in the handicapped stall, all heated and
revved up and raring to go, when the most unexpected words came out of
Tara's mouth.
	"Say her name," she breathed heavily.  Her lips were right at my
ear, so I didn't mishear what she had said.
	"What?!"  I said slightly confused.  I stopped what I had been
doing, pulled my head back and looked into her eyes.  Her eyes were telling
me a story I had never encountered before.
	She placed her hands around my neck.  Tara started running her
fingers through my hair on the back of my head, "What was her name?  I saw
your face and don't lie, she had an affect on you, didn't she?"
	Damn, she knows me all too well.  I lowered my head.  I wasn't sure
if I was mad, ashamed or exposed because I let someone get to me other than
my lover.
  I felt Tara's fingers run along my jaw to my chin to lift my head.  Now,
she looked in my eyes and saw something there that she had never seen
before.  The air became so thick, and the moment was so awkward.  Finally I
replied, "Hannah."  I blushed again.  Shit.
	"Look at you.  You can't even say her name without going red.  I've
never seen anyone have this affect on you before.  Hon, I . . . I, umm, I'm
not too comfortable with this."
	"Can we please talk about this at home?  Tonight was going so well.
Let's stick together for the rest of the night, we will even leave early.
Ok?"  I pleaded.  I cannot believe what had just happened.
	She nodded.  We left the bathroom and continued chatting it up with
the partygoers.  After a while, we decided to leave.  I was just about to
open the door to get outside when Hannah opened the door from the other
side.  She smiled and mumbled sorry.  I blushed again as we glided past
each other and Tara noticed.  There was tension between us the rest of the
night, but after that moment in the bathroom it got considerably worse.
	The car ride seemed to take forever, and this time I wished it
would go faster.  We never said anything; we never even looked at each
other.  We got back up and into her apartment.  We just stood there.  I
didn't want to have this conversation.  I never imagined that I would have
this conversation with her.  Then she spoke," Hun, I don't like this, this
feeling.  I feel like you've cheated on me, yet you haven't done anything.
I should apologize for acting jealous. . ."
	"Shh," I said, placing a finger on her lips.  "Don't apologize.  I
know just how you are feeling.  I feel like I've cheated on you too.  This
is just messed up.  All I did was meet someone new, like I did all night.
All I can say is that I'm sorry and I love you."  I reached out and pulled
her into an embrace.  "We just overreacted."
	Her head was on my shoulder as she nodded.  She looked up at me, as
I looked at her, "I love you, too."  That's all I needed to hear.  I kissed
her, soft and slow.  Progressively, we got more passionate.  I pressed her
against the wall to finish what we had started before we left.  Her hands
trailed down my chest to unbutton my shirt.  I felt her hands slide along
my bare skin, around my sides to caress my back.  Then it happened.  It was
Hannah's hands I felt on my back; it was Hannah's lips I was kissing.  I
quickly opened my eyes, stepped back.  No, no, no.  "Hon?  What is it?
What's wrong?"
	"Oh, umm, I just remembered that I have to get home.  I, uh, forgot
to send an email to this director.  I'll call you tomorrow, ok?"  I just
lied.
	"Oh, ok."  She kissed me as I left.
	As I drove home, I replayed everything that had happened that
night.  I stopped to get some beer, knowing I was going to be up half the
night.  I pulled out my wallet to pay, and Hannah's card fell out.  I
picked it up slowly, thinking.  The guy giving me change interrupted my
train of thought.
       I put the beer in the car, then stood there with Hannah's card in
hand.  She had her home, work, and cell numbers on it.  I walked over to
the pay phone by the store and picked up the receiver.  My fingers were on
the number pad as I stared at her cell phone number.  What was I doing?!
       The tips of my fingers brushed against the numbers on the pay phone,
and I couldn't help but imagine the sensation of brushing them gently
across Hannah's beautiful cheek.  I swayed drunkenly in the phone booth
with my closed eyes shutting out the world.  I could imagine myself in the
arms of that beautiful vision of a woman, and some part of me had already
forgotten that Tara was waiting for me to call when I got home.
       Eyes closed, intoxicated by the thought of another woman's arms, I
unconsciously dialed Hannah's cell number.
       She answered on the first ring.  "Hannah Parker."
       "Hi, uh, Hannah?  It's, uh-"
       "We met at the party tonight, right?"
       I was stunned.  How could she recognize my voice?  "Um, yeah.  Yeah,
that's me," I said stupidly.  "I was just, uh, just on my way home, and I
thought I'd call to ask if you'd like to meet for coffee or something to,
uh, to discuss the movie or something."
       Hannah didn't even hesitate.  "Sure!" she exclaimed.
       Within moments, we'd arranged to meet at an all-night coffee shop
within the hour.  It wasn't until after I'd hung up that I realized the
location of the coffee shop-- right across the street from Tara's
apartment!
       I considered calling to rearrange our meeting place, but then I
thought, 'Well, she said that place is convenient for her.  Maybe she lives
around there.  And what the hell am I doing, meeting another woman for
coffee in the middle of the night when I should be safe in the arms of my
girlfriend?!  What's wrong with me?'
       By the time I'd gotten to that final thought, I had already pulled
into the parking lot at the 24-hour donut shop where I was set to meet
Hannah.  There was still time to turn back.  But I needed to quench my
curiosity; what was it about Hannah that made me weak in the knees?  How
was it possible that someone other than Tara could have that effect on me?
What was I going to tell Tara about where I'd been?
       'Well, I mean, it's only an innocent cup of coffee, right?  There's
nothing wrong with having coffee at 2am with a complete stranger who
happens to be drop dead gorgeous, right?'  Yeah, my sense of logic was
working overtime that night.
       I could see Tara's window from my seat at the coffee shop.  One
light was still on in the living room, and I could make out the faint
blue-gray glow of the television screen.  Poor woman; instead of being
wrapped in the arms of her mostly-faithful girlfriend, there she was,
wrapped up in some late-night infomercial!  A wave of guilt washed over me,
and I remembered once again that there was still time to do the right
thing--whatever that was.
       I wasn't sure anymore.  Did I really love Tara?  How could Hannah be
this incredibly attractive to me if Tara was The One?  And hey...maybe Tara
would consider a threesome!  "Oh my god!  What am I thinking?!"
       Fifteen minutes to go.  Fifteen minutes before Hannah would walk
through the double doors and sit down across the table from me.  Fifteen
minutes before I'd have to make the big decision about the right thing to
do.  Fifteen minutes left to consume copious amounts of caffeine and train
my logic to accept this as a normal situation.  Fifteen minutes left to
watch Tara's window and wonder how she's doing.  Fifteen minutes.  Not very
long.
       I could have wandered over to that building across the street and I
could have rang her buzzer and asked her to take me in for the night.  But
I didn't.  I could have called Hannah to cancel.  But I didn't.  I could
have called Tara to break up with her.  But I didn't.  I could have made a
decision, instead of waiting for the right thing to present itself to me.
But I didn't.  And maybe that was a good thing.
       I was sitting there, transfixed by the glow of the outside light at
the front door of Tara's building, when suddenly the door opened, and I
witnessed a most unexpected event; two women, kissing passionately on the
stoop.  You don't see that every day, what with all the homophobia in our
yet-to-be-straightened-out world.
       I couldn't help but stare, and wish it were me over there across the
street under the amber glow of the outdoor lighting making out with some
gorgeous woman.  Then it occurred to me that they looked familiar.
       "What?!" I blurted out as I wiped the caffeine haze out of my eyes
to get a better look.
       The two women broke their kiss, and I saw who they were.  "Oh my
god!" was the thought that ran through my head.  "It's Tara's neighbor,
Amber, from across the hall and my co-star, Dori!"  I smirked and shook my
head; what a small world we live in.  I was still grinning about what I had
just witnessed when I felt a hand on my shoulder.  The brief second after
the touch and before my reaction, I could smell her perfume.  I jumped in
my seat.
       "OH!  I'm sorry, I didn't mean to startle you!"  It was Hannah.
       I put my hand to my chest and shook my head. I placed my hand on
hers and said," Oh, it's ok.  I was just deep in thought."  It was then
that I noticed my hand on hers and my face went red.  "Uh, please, sit
down.  Coffee?"  She nodded.  I got a hold of the waitress and she brought
us some very hot coffee.  We said thank you and then there was a slight
awkward silence.  Out of nervousness and asking myself what I was doing, I
quickly took a drink of my coffee.  "Ahhh, ow, gee, hot hot hot!"  In the
midst of my stupidity and yelping, I managed to spill a bit of the coffee
too.  "Shit!"
       I looked over and Hannah was laughing at me.  I had to smile too.
"Careful, hun, the coffee is hot," she said smartly.  I gave her the
'ha-ha-very-funny' look.  She smiled again.  Wow.  Her smile was so
beautiful, so comforting.  "Here," she said grabbing a napkin, "you missed
a spot."  Her body and arm were outstretched across the table as she wiped
the last bit of liquid from my shirt.  I looked up to thank her as she
looked down, and our eyes met.  There was something there.  "There you go.
Good as new.  This time let the coffee cool before you drink," she said
again smartly as she sat back down.
       "Thanks...MOM," I joked.  "So, you really liked the movie?!"
       "YES.  Why would I lie to you?!  I seriously thought it was great.
I don't know what it was, but the one scene where you presented the girl
with a daisy was so sweet, so honest.  I liked how the flower wasn't the
typical red rose, it was a daisy."
       "That's so weird because they originally had a rose in mind, but I
told them that it wasn't what the character would do.  She would give the
girl a different flower."
       "So true.  Good thinking.  So, do you have any other projects coming
up?  Any past ones I haven't heard about?"
       I started into a large discussion about my upcoming film.  "I'm
sorry, I just keep going on and on..."
       "No, it's ok.  I think I could listen to you talk forever."  Ok,
wow.
  With Tara, I was always the listener, and that was fine by me; but if I
ever wanted to talk to Tara, she couldn't listen for too long before she
started talking again.  "So what about any past stuff you've done?  Has it
all been burned or buried?"
       "Heh heh.  No.  I actually have all of it on tape at home.  I like
to know that I have evolved as an actor."
       "They are like memories, aren't they?  Hmm, well, I would love to
see them sometime."
       It was out there.  I could have said something that could have ended
the night.  I could have said some other time, but this is what I DID say,"
Well, since we are both up and full of caffeine, would you like to come
over and see some tonight, er should I say this morning?"  WHAT?!  What did
I just say?
       "I'd love too."
       We decided that she would follow me in her car.  When we got to my
apartment, I waited as she pulled up and parked beside me.  I opened the
doors to the building for her and made idle chat as we made it to my
apartment door.
       The door.  Another one of those last chance situations.  I hesitated
as I put the key in the lock, but I still never said anything.  "Welcome to
my kingdom."  I said, gesturing for her to come in.  Welcome to my
kingdom?!  I am such a dork.  "Make yourself at home.  Would you like a
drink or something to eat?"
       "Umm, actually, can you tell me where your bathroom is?  All that
coffee..."
       "Oh yeah, uh, it's just at the end of the hall."  I took off my
dress jacket and walked over to the TV.  Should I light some candles?  No.
Too romantic.  Lights or no lights?  No lights, best way to watch movies
anyway.  I grabbed one of my earliest films and popped it in the player.  I
started rearranging the pillows on the couch, flattening everything out and
adjusting the table.  I caught something out of the corner of my eye.
       There she was, leaning with her shoulder against the wall, staring
at me and all of my obsessive-complusive perfecting.  "Are you about done
because I wouldn't mind sitting down now," she said.  Who knew that the shy
girl at the party was such a smartass.  I liked it.
       My face a little red from the comment, I replied, "Well, I want it
to be the best it can be for you."  We both smiled.  I hit play and we sat
down.
       Due to the angle of the couch and the TV, Hannah asked," Hey, you do
mind if I kinda lean against you so I can see better?"
       "Ah, uh, no go ahead." I moved so we were both comfortable.  The
warmth of her body against mine was like fire.  I wanted to wrap my arm
around her....quickly I started talking about the movie.  "Oh and if you
get cold, there's a blanket on the back of the couch."
       "Thanks, but I don't think I can get cold sitting like this," she
said coyly.  The movie started and we stopped talking.  Yet I couldn't stop
thinking--thinking about that comment.
       At some point we both fell asleep.  In a groggy haze, I heard the
phone ring.  Slowly, I opened my eyes.  I just noticed Hannah was nuzzled
under my arm, when her arm extended and grabbed the cordless phone from the
coffee table.  Before I could do anything, she answered, "Hello?"
       I was suddenly very awake, listening for the telltale signs of
Tara's angry voice on the other end of the line.  With my eyes wide open, I
must have resembled a deer caught in the headlights.
       "No, sorry.  You must have the wrong number," Hannah replied before
hanging up and replacing the phone from whence it came.  "Someone asking
for Steve," she told me as she snuggled back into my embrace.  "Is it time
to wake up?" Hannah whined playfully.
       I grinned and wrapped my arm around her shoulder.  "Well, I can
think of something I'd rather do than sleep."
       Hannah lifted her head in surprise and touched me with a shocked
look on her face.  Suddenly, I realized what I had said and blushed yet
again.
       "Oh, uh, I meant watch the rest of the movie!" I recovered.  Oh
yeah, that was suave!
       But Hannah never replaced her head on my shoulder.  Instead, she got
this evil little grin on her face and moved her right hand up to put it
through my hair.  I got goosebumps as her fingers outlined my ear and
traipsed down the side of my neck.  Before I realized what I was doing, I
had reached out in response and pulled her towards me.  We were kissing.
And it was like no kiss I'd ever experienced before.  Her lips were soft
and yielding; her kiss was urgent in its need, yet patient in its touch.
It was as if her caress had woken me up from more than just a little nap.
I had to hold her.
       I enveloped Hannah in my arms and sunk in for an even deeper kiss,
when all of a sudden she pulled away and sat bolt upright, wide-eyed and
uncertain.
       My mind suddenly wandered off to a very odd place.  I was reminded
of the heroine of a gothic romance novel, pulling away from her beloved and
drawing the back of her hand up to her forehead for dramatic flare as she
pleads with him, "Oh, Gustavus!  I couldn't possibly--I'm promised to
someone else!"
       To my horror, I realized I had spoken the words aloud!  What can I
say?  I was groggy.
       "What?!" Hannah squeaked.  "What are you talking about?"
       With a flaming red face to contend with, I could barely bring myself
to speak.  "Oh, sorry, I just--never mind!"  I couldn't think of a way out
of that one.
  "Why did you stop?" I inquired, more than a little bit concerned that
this moment of awakening may have begun and ended with a single kiss.
       "Well, I think you encapsulated my concerns with that whole bit
about being promised to someone else!" Hannah snapped.  "Remember your
girlfriend?"
       "Oh, yeah," I remarked.  "Yeah, Tara.  I do remember her."
       "Why'd you spend tonight with me instead of her?" asked Hannah,
looking away from me and out the window at the normal, somewhat dramaless
existence of the pavement below.
       I couldn't answer right away.  A thousand thoughts ran through my
head.  Tara and I had been together for a very long time.  Why was I so
willing to throw that away for someone I'd only just met?  Didn't I love
Tara?  Didn't we talk about the future we were going to share?  Or did she
just plan all of that, dragging me along for the ride?
       "I don't know what I want anymore, Hannah," was my final answer.
       Hannah rose to leave.  I sat motionless as she put on her shoes and
jacket.  She opened the door and left me with a last remark over her
shoulder.  "When you figure it out, you have my number."
       And then she was gone.
       I don't know how long I sat staring at the spot where she had slept
beside me, pondering the eternal question of what I wanted out of my life.
I was jarred back to full consciousness when my phone rang again.  "Hello?"
       "Hey, lovergirl," Tara whispered.  "How was your night?"
       Well, I made out with another woman and am reconsidering our
relationship.  What actually came out of my mouth was, "It was allright.
How was yours?"
       "Enh, okay." I could hear the shrug in her voice.  "I missed your
body beside me."
       I sighed.  "I missed you too," I replied.
       There was a strange pause filled only with the dead air of a silent
telephone line.
       "Tara?  Sweetie?  You still there?"
       Her reply was terse.  "Come over now.  I need you."  Then she hung
up.
       Okay, that's way more dramatic than I'm used to.  I had no idea what
to expect.  But I obediently jogged out to my car and made my way to her
place, letting myself into her building with my set of keys.
       By the time I got to her door, I had rehearsed what I was going to
say about a hundred times.  I just needed to have the guts to say it.  With
sweaty palms, I put my key in her deadbolt and unlocked Tara's door.
       I guess she wasn't expecting me to arrive quite so quickly.
       Her head whipped around, her eyes widened.  "Uh, honey, wow.  You
came quickly."  Her apartment was romantically decorated.  There were some
petals on the floor, acting as a trail.  A hint of vanilla in the air
excited my senses.  Tara walked over to the CD player and hit play.  Our
song.  She strutted towards me, one foot in front of the other like a
model.
       I couldn't think.  I was just feeling.  There was so much to take
in.
  Tara stopped in front of me.  I started to speak, "Tara, this. . ." when
she placed her finger on my lips.
       "Shh.  I want to apologize.  I know you said I didn't have to, but I
just have to get this out.  I spent a lot of time thinking last night.  I
came to a conclusion."  She got all quiet.  I didn't know what she was
going to say.  The room was so romantically painted, yet her tone was so
serious.  "I look ahead and I can't picture my future without you in it.  I
guess what I am trying to say is. . . I am willing to commit myself, my
life to yours.  Now, all I need to know is if you are in the same place I
am?  If you feel the same.  'Cause if you aren't, I don't know. . .I don't
want this to be an ultimatum, but I kind of feel like it has be all or
nothing."  She was shaking.  I reached out and pressed her into my body.  I
could feel her body trembling in my arms.  "Hun?"
       I had tears in my eyes.  People dream of this moment.  I had dreamt
of this moment most of my life, especially with Tara.  If she had told me
this only few days ago, there would be absolutely no hesitation in
answering her.  Now, the dream is materializing, and my feelings are in
limbo.  "I'm going to have to think about this.  I'm sorry, but I just need
some time to think, ok?!"
       She jerked away from me, her face flushed and wide-eyed.  She then
dropped her head, "Uhh, I guess you have a right to that, but all I ask is
that you don't take too long."  I nodded.  I leaned towards her and placed
a kiss on her forehead.  Then I turned around and left.
       I got home and started cleaning my apartment-a distraction technique
I'm guessing.  I grabbed my film and put it back on the shelf, when I
noticed something wasn't right.  One of my movies was missing.  I grabbed
my wallet and found her card.  I knew exactly who had my movie.  I also
knew it was part of Hannah's plan.  I kinda smiled.  *Ring*
       "Hannah Parker."
       "Smart move with the tape. "  My voice was slightly annoyed, yet
playful.  I could tell she was smiling at the other end.
       "It got you to call, didn't it?!  The thought of not talking to you
again. . . well, I didn't want it to happen.  I mean, I would still love to
have you as friend, but it would just take more work.  It must seem like
I'm rambling, but I truly think that there is something between us.  Am I
wrong?"
       "No.  No, you are right.  I don't like feeling this way.  I just
came from my girlfriend's place.  She is willing to commit to me for the
rest of her life, if I am willing to do the same.  A couple days ago, there
would be no hesitation, but then I met you.  Now, I'm left questioning if
she is the one that I want for the rest of my life.  I wish I knew that
this thing between us will be more than just a fling."  My mind was racing
with the million-and-one questions that I couldn't answer without time.
       "Umm, I don't want to pressure you into something you don't want to
do, but have you thought about taking a break from the relationship to see
if she is what you really want?!"
       "I've thought of that too, and everyone knows that after a break,
nothing is the same.  Things usually do not go well."
       "Not go well?!  Things can definitely improve!  It could open your
eyes, or hers."  Her tone was defensive and slightly hurried.
       "Ok, ok.  Sorry.  Hmmm, a break.  That would definitely fit this
situation, but I can be sure that Tara will not like it.  Plus she wants an
answer soon. . ."
       I was suddenly interrupted.  "Stop!  What do YOU want?" asked
Hannah.
       That's when I realized that after all of this debate, I failed to
look at what I really wanted.  I was busy thinking of what others wanted,
or how I would effect them.  "I want to see what happens between us,
Hannah."  We talked for a while about much lighter topics.  After I hung
up, I realized the task that was in front of me.  I had to talk to Tara.
Shit.
       I stared at the phone for an hour.  I rehearsed what I was going to
say, and how I was going to say it.  Every way that came to mind was no
easier than the previous one.  I was beginning to lose my nerve.  If I
didn't act soon, I wouldn't be able to do it and I'd feel worse.  My arm
bolted from it's resting place beside me, and grabbed the phone.  I quickly
dialed the numbers.  My leg was bouncing up and down.  It rang once and I
panicked.  For a split second I thought of hanging up.  NO!  I have to talk
to her.  Second ring.  The sound was so unnerving.  Like always, Tara
answered just before the third ring.  "Hello?"
       I took a deep breath as my heart raced, "Tara, it's me."
       "Hey sweetie!" she exclaimed.  "I've been hoping I'd hear from you!"
       "Yeah, so I just have one question for you," I began with a more
assured tone than I had anticipated.  "I want to know if it's possible for
us to have a break?"
       I think Tara was a bit put off by my straightforward demeanor.  I
could hear her sulking through the phone as she said, "Well, why don't you
come over, and we could have a nice night to ourselves?  We haven't done
that in a while."
       "Tara, I asked you a question, quit avoiding it!"
       "You asked me if I wanted a break.  That's not what I want at all.
You and I both know that a break never works.  A break?!  I would not be
good with that at all.  Do you want to be with me or not?  It is that
simple."  She said with a flustered exclamation.
       "I can't do this, Tara," I blurted out.  "I love you, but--"
       "You want to fuck that woman from the premiere!" she hissed.
       I knew she wouldn't be happy about me leaving her, but it had to be
done.  "It's for the best, Tara.  You'll see that some day, I'm sure.  It's
not like I never want to see you again."
       "Well, I'm the one who feels that way!" she spat through her tears.
I hated that I was hurting her this way.
       "What do you mean?"
       She took a deep breath and whispered, "If you don't want to be with
me, I don't want to know you."
       "Tara, isn't that a bit extreme?  I mean, I know I've hurt you here,
but--"
       "You could not possibly understand how I'm feeling!  I'm always the
one left behind!  Wondering why it is that no one I love ever loves me
back!"  And with that dramatic exhortation of loss, Tara hung up on me and
on our time together.
       I felt bad.  I did love Tara.  But forever is a long time, and I
wasn't ready to commit to her for the rest of my life.  Because then there
was Hannah.
       Sometimes, and you're lucky if it happens more than once in a
lifetime, someone wanders into your life when you least expect it; for
reasons you can't explain in words, she makes you pay attention to new and
different aspects of life.  She seems like the only other person in a room
filled with people.  She radiates some kind of aura that you just have to
be a part of.  You might not know her that well yet, but your gut tells you
that it's worth putting yourself out there, making yourself vulnerable,
admitting to feelings you never knew you could feel-even if you can't be
sure that she feels it too.  There's a connection that you just can't
explain.  That's the way it is with Hannah.
       To know if I had done the wrong thing would be impossible.  I know I
would have been happy with Tara, but my heart would always have wondered
about another.  It wouldn't have been fair to anyone involved if my heart
was only partially there.  I have no regrets about my time spent with Tara,
but I wish everything didn't have to happen all at once when it came down
to the end.
       "Hon, come to bed.  I miss your body next to mine," she says.
       I lay down my pen, and turn out the light.  Everything happens for a
reason.  I smile at the thought, and slide in beside Hannah.  With our
story completed, I fall asleep happily, coasting into a bright, unknown
future.


This story was co-created by alternating writing. I would write a bit, then
my friend would write some, etc.  It actually blends quite well.  I hope
you enjoyed it!  Any questions comments, concerns---
greedyflyohmy@hotmail.com