Date: Wed, 16 Aug 2006 08:21:30 -0400
From: leslie hi <leslie_hi@kaxy.com>
Subject: The Deep End     part seven

Disclaimer: this story is intended for adults above 18 and it is the
property of the author.

The Deep End,  part seven
by leslie

          When I was little, I saw the most beautiful thing in the
world. It wasn't anything a person would normally think twice about ... if
at all ...........

My dad was sitting alone in the living room, me and mom were in the kitchen
getting things ready for supper, it was a quiet night now that I think of
it. Things had been sad at our house all week since grandma has passed away
... mom never really smiled like she used to and dad, well he just kinda
kept to himself a lot, never really said anything but his smiles also
seemed an effort just for me.  We were having roast and some stuff I don't
remember, I was helping mom cut the carrots when she just stopped chopping
and put her hands softly on the counter. After a few minutes I looked up at
mom and asked her if we were done ..... she didn't say anything for awhile
... then she looked down at me and just said "No Lauren .......... no
............. were not done ....... were not done with this family ......"
Then she smiled to me kinda sad and went into the dark living room with
dad. I was curious and kinda scared of what was going on, so I followed her
and just stood next to the archway from the hall to the living room and
watched as my mom slowly walked to the couch were dad was sitting, kneeling
down, she just softly took his hand in hers ... laid her head in his lap
...  and said ........ nothing ..... nothing at all..................... I
didn't know anything about life then and less about people, so I just sat
down on the floor and watched them there together in the dark. After awhile
I saw my dad put his hand on mom's head and just slowly start to stroke her
hair ....... and that was all ....... after a long time I just got sleepy
and leaned against the archway and dosed off, while my mom and dad just
held hands and didn't make a sound in the dark ..... we never did have
roast that night and I eventually just went to bed but mom and dad never
moved from the living room all night ........ and the times after that
night seemed to be happier now that I recall it all again ...... It was
just something that only soul mates can fix and I soon learned that my mom
and dad had something between them that words would shatter and crumble
even trying to describe it ... and I don't have to ...... because you don't
describe Pure Love ......

          I didn't know where I was driving, the street lights had long
disappeared into the dark as the desolate desert highway just ate my tires
and called for more as I sped on into oblivion ......  They said it was
nobody's fault ... they lied ... They said there was nothing I could do
... they lied again ..... They said not to blame myself .... but they all
knew ..... they knew exactly who I would blame ... and it would be ..... me
.......

          I absently looked down at the speedometer and realized I was at
over 100 mph ...... but I didn't really care and just as absently let go of
the gas peddle and just coasted in the dark. After a while, I slammed on
the brakes and just sat ........ alone ....... in the middle of the desert
road leading to nowhere ..... and stared hypnotically at the wheel
....... as the blur of my reality refused to leave me alone and at peace
.........

          The Lewis family didn't know the trailer had a faulty hitch
..... they didn't know the camper would release and veer into Shaunee's
lane ..... they had no idea I had asked Shaunee to run home and pick up my
laptop I had forgotten on the coffee table ...... they didn't have a clue
that my SUV was safer to drive than a lil convertible or that I would give
in to anything Shaunee asked of me, including giving in and having Shaunee
use her car that day instead of mine ...... .......
..................... they had no idea that tonight was my last night on
earth .................................. Shaunee would understand, wouldn't
she? .............. She would forgive me ......... she wouldn't let me down
now ............. "Forever" ..... thats what we said right?
................ "Forever" .....................................

          ( 24 hours ago) .....

          Lauren? ..... Lauren honey ...... Lauren wake up dear
............. "Hmmmmm ..... ummm ..... yes?"  Honey I'm Shauna's Aunty Ella
and this is her Uncle Bill ....... with bloodshot eyes, I wiped the sleep
from them and tried to make out what the words that were coming from the
sandy haired lady standing next to Shaunee's bed and the gestures she was
making toward a grey haired man in a blue jogging suit. Honey, are you ok?
Can I get you some coffee?  "coffee ......huh? ....oh ...no.... no thank
you, I'm ok" .......... I lied ........... I'm Ella and this is Bill, we
got here as soon as we could when you called us ...... ( I had noticed Ella
had been ringing her hands nervously and Bill was at Shaunee's bedside with
a worried look on his face and his hands holding Shaunee's right hand)
........ We talked to the doctors while you were sleeping, ............ we
know honey .......... we know ............ stop blaming yourself Lauren
..... it wasn't your fault, it wasn't anybody's ........... honey?  Lauren
honey?  I could feel the caring squeeze on my arms and could make out the
brave attempts at smiles both of them made but I couldn't hear words
anymore ....... the steady beeps of the IV ...... the sounds of life
support ......... the murmur of doctors and nurses in the Intensive Care
Unit .......... I couldn't hear anything .......... Standing slowly now, I
pretended a smile at them both and took Shaunee's left hand in mine and
kissed it ..... and whispered ..........  "I was sorry, I was so so sorry
and that I would love her forever" ..........  softly lying Shaunee's warm
and unconscious hand back to her side, I just whispered "Forgive Me" to her
family, as I blindly walked away from her bedside .......... past her
loving and caring family ......... out of her room .......... out of the
Hospital .......... and out of my soul ..........



          You hear stories on how cold the desert can get at night and you
think, yeah guess so and move on ..... but when your there and the only
light is the dim green neon on your dashboard and the only sound is the
wind and your motor, you begin to feel the reality of that story and it can
get to you ya know? But right now, I think thats just what I wanted
..... to feel as cold as I felt inside, I mean I wanted to just sit there
and freeze ....... I heard a person could just fall asleep and never know
you had died .... it's easy ya know? Just shut of the engine and wait for
the calm peace of sleep ........

          But calm peace and an easy way out just wasn't going to happen,
my mind was swirling with regrets, what if's and blurry thoughts of the
past ......... no ......... no peace ......... no peace for me ..........

          Rebecca knew first I think, although John recognized her before
anyone, I think it was rebecca that knew the truth about us. Shaunee was
radiant, she made the store just sparkle ya know?  Like the kind of person
others just want to be around and have no idea why. When we walked into the
store and everyone looked up to see us, it was one of those run or stick
moments and we both knew it, we had talked about it the night before in the
swing and we both decided that it was time we brought the "us" into our
real world and that meant not hiding and playing house anymore, Shaunee's
family knew when she called them and told them she was living with me, she
later told me she had no secrets from them and loved them like her own
mother and father. From what I remember, she said they were a lil shocked
but it passed fast when she went on and on about what I meant to her and
how well I care for her and above all ......... how much I loved her and
needed her......... Rebecca was the first to say hello and John made his
way to us and reached out to shake Shaunee's hand, as we all did our
introductions. "Hey boss", you got like 400 messages on the machine and,
like a mountain of mail on your desk .... I know John here is too much of a
brain to lower himself to peek into your office and snoop but I'm not
"hehehe" and all I can say is Girl you got work to do so I can get my raise
I sooooo have coming to me." Beck, John say's .............I got your big
ass raise right here and he hands her the broom to go sweep the front walk
out .... taking the broom, Rebecca just glares at John and as she's walking
out to sweep, she "accidentally" bumps into the canoe display John had been
working on and the whole rack of paddles comes crashing to the floor,
"Oop's, sorry bout that, never could walk good with a broom" and smiles as
she goes outside to sweep ........................

          The cold just goes right through you ya know? Opening the door, I
step out on the black soulless road and leaning against the SUV, I look up
at the half moon and absently think about how I could just fly up there and
go on and on ....just fly through the stars and never have to worry about
silly things any more .... just let the cool air lift me higher and higher
and as the coal black of the night sky took me, I could at last have peace
and be as alone as I had always been ............ before her
.................... before Shaunee
.......................................... no more silly thoughts of love
and having a soul mate forever to be with and grow old with together
....... no ............... none of that for me ..................... I get
what I deserve and that is ...... nothing ........... absolute
................ nothingness ................... who would miss me right? I
mean really, my family was long gone ................... I had no real
friends anymore ....................... sure they would be kinda sad at the
store but that would pass ................. After all, I never did anything
with them that would warrant a good memory of me ............. I didn't
deserve them either ......... I was cold, when they were the only thing in
this world like a family to me ..............  I acted like I didn't care,
when truly I cared the world for them but I never knew how to show it and
never took the time to try ............ no ................ no sad tears
would fall for long over me ........................ I slowly slid down the
shell of the SUV and as my butt hits the road, I feel the cold rush through
me like an ice covered sword thrust and I just sat there
..................... the wind was slowing now ........... I could see the
stars all around me and I think I could feel heaven itself crying
...... not for me .............. no .....not for me ................... but
for an angel .............. and the choices made by her ...................
to help a soulless nothing like me ........................ and the cost
she paid ...................... I could see it all so clearly
................................... the clear plastic tubes around the
angel ..................... the feeble attempts by the incapable humans as
they vainly attempted to bring an angel back into this hard cold world
.................. why?  ..................... why do they even try?
............................. we don't deserve her ..............I don't
deserve her ....................... Angels don't belong to this world, why
don't they see that? ......................... Angels bring love but what
if you've spat on love, stepped on it till it went cold and drifted away
from you forever ............... what right do angels have to give
themselves to us? We ............ no ......... I ............ don't ever
have to see love, I could have gone on forever .................... just as
I was ................... yes, I could have done it
.................... right? ................ I could have done fine
.......................... I could have ......................... I could
have ...................................................



          So boss lady, when ya gonna tell me? Looking up from my desk, I
squint over my table lamp and see that damn smile of Rebecca's that
instantly tells me she knows the whole story but just wants to see me say
it. "Tell you what?" I say ..... You know what I mean!!!! Shauna, thats
what ....... just her being in the same state with you is enough to call
the pastor for the "I Do's" !!!!! I set my pen down and just sighed,
Shaunee knew it showed and that there was no way we could deny it if anyone
asked, and not look like total geeks in the process, so I just said " It
shows huh?" DUH?! Yeah, like you could ever fool anyone with your cool tude
.... hahahahaha , nope not in this store, everyone knows girl so you might
as well own up ................. "Everyone huh?" Yup ........... Just then
Shaunee walks in and I get a knowing wink from Rebecca as she leaves to
finish up her receipts. Hi Lauren, John says he could use some help with
the canoe display and I gave him a few ideas, I hope thats cool with you?
"Of coarse baby, anything you do is fine with me .........  Ummmmm, did you
know everyone in the store knows about us already?" ............... Of
coarse I did, didn't you? I think they knew it the minute we walked in,
there not stupid ya know and were not like, the best actresses either, not
that I would act like I don't know you or anything .... it wouldn't make a
difference, we are way to much into each other and It shows everywhere we
go, didn't you know that Lauren? Standing up from my desk, I walk over to
that clear vision in my doorway and take her in my arms and kiss her, not
caring that the door was open or who might see ....... I just needed to
have her body in my arms right then and I think she knew it to
............. as we walked hand in hand to the couch after closing and
locking the door ........................ and even as Shaunee laid me down
.......... removed my shoes .............. and kissed me softly as a
seagulls wingtips on the water ............... and made beautiful deep love
to me .................. on that warm day in my office, with a thousand
things to do .................... and only my lover in my thoughts
...................... all the world can wait, Shaunee is with me now and
the world can just ............. wait ......................



          It's somehow ..... comfortable now .......... they cold is like
an afterthought now. It's there, I can feel it but it's more a numbing
thing now ............... the cold doesn't try to hurt you, it has no heart
to do that ............ it's just life I think ..................... It's
peaceful here now .............. those thoughts of the past
................... seem somehow gone now ................. the what if's,
the should or shouldn't haves don't seem to really matter anymore
..................... It's like ............I don't know
............... It's like ...................... floating alone in the
middle of the ocean and knowing the news will be on tonight ..... the lil
league will play across the park after the store closes ....... milk will
still be in the refrigerator .................. all these ...... things
..... will go on ............ so why let my mind worry about life
.................... it's not my concern ................ anymore
.......................



          "Shaunee, will you stop playing with my boobs for just a minute?
I'm trying to earn a living here." Oh ok boss lady, just thought that you
might want a lil sugar coating after the couch session I gave you. "You lil
minx, you know I can't work with you in the room, your my only weakness and
if you don't stop running your nails over my nipples, I'm gonna pull you
under this desk and give you another job, and I don't mean shoe polisher!"
...... Promises ..... Promises ...... and smiling wickedly, walks out of
the office to help John with the canoes ........ Setting the pile of
folders down, I stand up and walk over to the office window and look at my
sweet angel as she is directing John and now Rebecca, as to how she sees
the design and as I see it take shape, I can tell it's going to look
wonderful. Walking back to the desk, I think of the ITD account and slap
myself on the forehead, "Damn, it's all on the laptop and that's sitting at
home ..... damn" ...... Opening up the office door, I call to Rebecca
........ "Rebecca, could you take the car and run to my place and pick up
my laptop? ... It's sitting on the living room coffee table!" ........ I
can do it, yells Shaunee, I have to get my makeup bag anyway and I don't
think John wants to admit his idea was better than mine .... I think he's
getting a headache being polite, huh John? "Yeah Right!, like this wasn't
your idea that made this work huh? Go on, I can finish this up, if Beck
here can do a real days work for once" ..... Whadaya mean college boy?! I
can have this store oozing costumers with a flick of this lil pinky of mine
.... and she flicks it at John ...."Yeah .... good .... now stop flicking
and give me a hand here Beck." Laughing, they both get back to work as
Shaunee yells to me she'll be back before I know it and is taking her car
because it's such a nice day ............... and skips out to the door as
she laughs with John and Rebecca .... with that laugh you never can forget
....................................................................................................
.......



          This isn't working, I can't fall asleep ........... to many
images ............. too many .............. memories
.................... reluctantly I ease off the cold hard pavement and
stand up ............ limbs numbing and eyes lost in the blankness of the
night, I open the door and painfully get inside .................... the
seat is comforting now and I don't want to feel comfortable
............... I want to feel as much misery as I feel inside and somehow
being ............ comfortable ................ almost seems like a
......... betrayal ....................... to myself
..................... and to her .................................  turning
the key, the engine starts to break the silent desert night and I pull out
and back into the road ..................... "There's another way I think
to myself ............... I know another way ..................... and
turning around, I head back to the ocean ................... and all it has
to give to me .........................................




          And I won't be a burden either, My aunty and unk, set up a trust
fund for me after my parents were killed and I came to live with them and
I'm pretty well off now ...... I know I'm messy but I can try to be better
...... I can't cook but I guess you know that by now ............ I don't
take up much room and I'll try to not hog the computer all the time
......... but most of all ................. I promise to love you forever
.................... Sitting in the bed next to my naked angel as she is
telling me all her faults (as she she's them) all I can do is .............
smile ............ I didn't really hear anything after she told me she
would love me forever ..................... my world was complete from that
second on ........................ all I could do was watch the glisten of
her light pink lips and the occasional arm gestures as she told me all the
reasons that I should let her stay with me ................. Didn't she
realize, when I asked her to come to me ..... to come home ...... it meant
here, with me in this..... our house ..........  in my arms
................ in my bed ............ and in my soul
............... finally pushing two fingers lightly over her now dry lips,
I just shook my head and told her ...................  your home darling
............. with me ................ forever ....................... and
as she lays her soft blond head in my lap, I hear her say
.................. forever
................................. ..................................................



          You wonder sometimes, with all the thousands of cars on the roads
in the day, where they all have gone when it's 3 in the morning and all the
night road can see is a lone SUV on a one way trip to nothing ...... and
you almost feel ............. sad ............... that no one will ever
know what that instant in time will look like as you drive by
.......... that instant when the moon reflected off the stars
............ when the wind from the SUV blew a tumbleweed across the road
as I sped past ................ maybe the sad look of a lone animal on the
dune, watching me drive away and never knowing It would never see me again
in this world ..................... sad .................. that's how I
felt now .................... so much lost .............. so much that
could have been but never will be now ......................... soooooo
much ..................... sooooooooo close ..................... soo close
........................ so close .................... I almost had it
perfect ................ I was almost ...................... I was so close
........................ sad ..................... it's all so sad
........................... so damn sad .............................. the
ocean isn't far now ...... I can feel it ............. Iv'e always had a
feeling for the ocean and now that I think on it, I was never really
comfortable when I was away from it ................. it's stupid huh?
............. Kinda like the ol sea captains used to feel when to old to
sail again and living far from the sea ..................... it calls to
you ......... it honest to goodness does .............. but I'm not
worrying .............. I'm coming .................... the air is humid
now ............... it won't be long ..................... maybe a lil
faster now .................... and the pressure on the gas peddle is
something I have lost caring about too ............................



          "no ..................................... no ... no .... no
.... no .............. noooooo ................. Noooooo
..............NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
     I dropped the phone to the floor and just screamed ............ John
and Rebecca came running into the office and all they saw was a shaking
hysterical mess .......... lauren???  lauren ......  what is it ....I
vaguely heard John talking .......... but somehow I think he heard me say
..................... "shaunee .......... it's shaunee"
................ and I ran out of the store to my SUV and started to leave
when Rebecca grabs the keys from the ignition and tosses them to the ground
..... No Lauren ...... please please ............... no
............... We'll take you ............ move over ............. and i
don't know what happened next, the screaming to leave me alone ....... the
threats to get the hell out of my way .... or worse .... all to nothing
........  John just took the keys from the ground and slid in the drivers
seat .....somehow and God strike me dead if I can remember, Rebecca had
moved me into the backseat and was cradling me as I went out of my mind
.......................... Pulling out of the parking lot, I saw Bill come
running, "Watch the store Bill, John said and sped off to the hospital as I
saw Bill standing alone in the parking lot with a look I had never seen on
him before ..........................worry...........



          When you ever really really really have to get someplace, it
never matters how soon you got there, it's still too late and you blame the
ones you love first ya know? Think about it ........ the only ones helping
you are the only ones you blame ..... not the traffic, not the car, not
anything but .... your friends ...... and thats what I did, I think I even
hit John in the chest when we pulled into the hospital entrance and yelled
at him as he helped me out of the SUV, telling him I could have and should
have got here faster and to hell with other cars on the road ......
something like that anyway .......... but now that I have this time to
think and remember .................. he didn't seem at all phased
.............. in fact, he just help me and Rebecca out and into the
emergency entrance without a word of anything other than care and concern
................ for me ............ of all people ............... Is there
someone your here for miss?  "Shaunee .... Sha ......... Shauna Iverson
............... Car accident" ...................  I barely got out as
Rebecca held me up ................. Are you family?  "Yes", I said without
the slightest hesitation ...... we were all ....... family ....... now
......... Please come this way and we were led to a waiting room off to the
side and told the doctor would be with us as soon as he could ..... and
left alone. Suddenly I jolted upright and Rebecca held me hard with concern
(John had left to park the SUV). My God, I have to tell her aunt and uncle
..... Rebecca, please get me to a phone .....looking around the room, she
saw a corded one on the corner stand next to the couch and I slid over to
it and pulled at my purse trying in vain to open it ...... Here Lauren, let
me help I hear Rebecca say and she opens the clasp for me as I silently
thank her and reach for my address book with Shaunee's family numbers in it
.................. Here, let me ........ and Rebecca takes the book from my
shaking fingers and looks up the number and dials
................................................



          Double lanes .......................... not long now
................... I wonder if it hurts? .................... not the
actual thing itself but the empty afterwards ..................... will it
be a dark black nothing? .................... maybe a fiery pit?
................... a sky of clouds forever floating alone?
.................... I don't know .................. it doesn't really
matter anyway now .................. you know, If I'm not careful, I might
just wind up driving off one of these cliffs, I think laughing to myself
..........  the kind of gallows laugh that comes when nothing matters
anymore ...................... "Megan, what would you have done? You know
me, what else is there to do? ......... Did it hurt Megan?  Does it hurt
being all alone now in your dark bed?"  ......................... I can
hear myself talking now .............. "Well THAT'S not a good sign, people
might start to talk, Might even put a poor girl away in the pillow factory
if they knew I talked with dead people" .....again I laughed that horrible
laugh that means oblivion ................... for me
.......................



          Ummm, Lauren?  Miss? ....... waking up from dosing on Rebecca,
actually I think I had passed out, I looked up at a middle aged man in
green scrubs and some papers in his hands ........  Excuse me .... Lauren?
"Yes .... yes I'm Lauren". Hello, I'm Dr. Grant ...... I was the attending
physician when Ms. Iverson was brought in. "How is she doctor?!!!!"  It
took him a moment to answer and I could feel the world crash to the ground
with every second he took to answer me
................................. She's not good, her heart is strong and
she's responding to some of the medications ....................... but
........................ the injuries are severe, mainly to the cranial
area and we have her on life support right now ................ Lauren?
......  Miss? ................ I had slid off the couch now and was sitting
on the floor with Rebecca holding me hard and the doctor was now helping me
back up on the couch ............... I'm sorry, I wish I could say more but
for now, for right now .... all we can do is wait and see if Shauna will
regain any of her cognitive abilities ...... the next 48 hours will tell us
.................. I'm sorry, I wish I could bring you better news but all
we can do now is wait .................. "Can I see her?" I ask barely able
to comprehend what I have just been told ........ Yes , but only for a
moment please ........ Come with me please ............ and we walk with
Rebecca holding me up the entire walk and we are led into a open area with
only green pale curtains dividing what seemed like rows and rows of medical
machinery I had never seen before and then .................... pulling
aside a curtain ...................... I see her ...................... My
girl ...................  my baby ........................... my poor sweet
baby ................................



          Lights, ............ "OH COME ON!!!!!!!!!!!"........... "I don't
fucking believe this!!!!!!!"  A short whine of a siren breaks the night air
and cuts into me like a knife .................. "SHIT!!!!!!"
................. "DAMNIT NOT NOW ............... not now
..................... not ........... now .................. Letting up on
the gas I can now see the red and blue of the lights fill the interior of
my SUV, as the cruiser gets closer and closer
.............. ........................ .................... Slowly now, I
let go of the gas and eventually coast to a stop alongside of the highway
............ still talking to myself and cussing the world for anything and
everything .................. Suddenly I hear a loud tap on my window and
look up to see a very bright light shining into my face, covering my eyes
with one hand, I roll the window down with the other ............ "Yes,
what is it?! Did I do something wrong officer?! I'm in a hurry, can we just
fucking get on with this?!!!!" A mid aged woman's voice behind the blinding
light says Ma'am, did you know you were going 110 mph in a 65 mph zone?
........... "Huh? Oh ....  yeah I know exactly how fucking fast I was
going!!! Can I get the ticket and go now, I'm in a hurry ok?!!!"
..................... Ma'am, I'm going to have to ask you to step out of
the vehicle please ...... and she steps back as she opens the door and I
angrily step out. ....................... "Is this really nessesary?!!! I'm
not drunk and I'm not on drugs and shit!!!  Can't you just give me the GOD
DAMN TICKET and LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE?!!!!!!!!"  ............... Ma'am,
I'm going to need you to ........ calm down ........ please step away from
the vehicle and keep your hands above your head .................. Stepping
now to the front of my SUV, I am told to wait there as the officer reaches
in and turns off my SUV, then taking the keys, again tells me to wait right
where I am. Now coming over to me she reaches around behind her and grabs
something fast, before I know it, I'm in cuff's ......... Fucking handcuffs
.................... "GET THESE THINGS OFF OF ME YOU BITCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
WHAT FUCKING RIGHT DO YOU HAVE TO DO THIS?!!!!!!!!!!!  I'M IN A FUCKING
HURRY ....... I CAN'T BE LATE!!!!!!!!!!! ..................  Ma'am, you
need to calm down, this is just a precaution .......... wait here
.....................  and she walks back to the cruiser and begins talking
quietly in her mouthpiece and looking in at (presumingly), her computer
display in the cruiser ..................



          Rebecca shook me awake with a cup of coffee steaming in her hands
............. Lauren?  ........... here, drink this ........ and I absently
took a sip ......... you ok now? , your in the ICU lounge at the hospital
....... you passed out, do you remember? .............. Then I recalled it
all ............. the horrible tubes ........ the bandages
.............. the allful sound of a respirator pumping life into my baby
............... Yes, I remembered it all ..... and I was not
............. ok ........... not ok ............. at all
.................... Lauren, I told the doctors that Shauna's aunt and
uncle were on there way .... they needed to know in ......... in case
......... well, they needed to know. ............. "I know Rebecca, it's ok
.... I'm ok for now" ....... I just need ............... time
.............. just need to think ...................  There's a chapel
here, I saw it earlier ...... it's on the first floor ............."Thanks,
................ I'll be there, please come and get me if anything happens
............... and I stand and begin to leave ............ Do you want me
to come with you? ....... looking at Rebecca's caring face, I just weakly
smile and tell her " No ...... I'll be fine, you go get something to eat,
both of you", looking over at a concerned John and slowly make my way to
the only hope I have left ................. Entering the small room of to
the side of the hall, I am somewhat amazed at the calmness I feel as soon
as I walk in. No one is there and only a few pews and a small alter are
there but it is that quiet ...... the peaceful feeling that comes after the
world has collapsed and someone is around you that cares....... I make my
way to one of the small pews and sit down. Looking over, I see a bible next
to me and pick it up .... somehow just holding it helps
................................................... and then
............................. then ......................... the begging
started ...................................... I lost it
..................... I was a mumbling wreck on my knees and preying that
it was me in that hospital bed ........................ me in that car
........................ anything ......................  anything other
than what was .......................... at first I was begging
....................... then I was preying
.................................... then I would lose all hope
................... then anger .................. at myself
................... at the doctors .................... at the Lewis family
.................. at God .............................. at
everyone. .................. Leaving the chapel an hour later or so, I made
my way back to the ICU and meet with some of the nurses there
............. they all seemed genuinely concerned for both me and Shaunee
but wouldn't really give me what I was looking for
..................... Shaunee's chances of living ...................... I
was hardened by then, I could take the news I felt and wanted to get it
while I thought I could handle it .......... The head nurse called the
doctor and we went into one of the family rooms ........... a short time
later a man and woman entered the room with some x-rays and sour looks
....... Lauren? ...... Hello my name is Dr. Warner and this is
Dr. Stien. I'm going to show you what we have so far
..........................................................................................



          Yes, yes I see .............. ok Ruby, I'll take it from here
......................  Walking back to me from the cruiser, the officer
calmly removes the cuffs and leads me back to her cruiser ...... Please
have a seat Ms.Teal ....... and I slowly slide into the front passenger
seat as officer Brown slides in the drivers seat ................. totally
lost now as to what is going on but not truly caring , I just stare at the
floor ................. Ms. Teal?  Did you know you had an APB out on you
since yesterday? ................ Huh? What are you talking about? ........
An APB ............ it seems some folks are worried about you
......... they seem to think you might try to hurt yourself ....... know
anything about that? ..... "I don't know what your talking about, I'm
fine."  Hmmmm, mind telling me where your in such a hurry to? It's pretty
dark and barren out here, not much to see ....... just a lot of cliffs and
the ocean over there ........... "It's none of your business, just let me
get on with it." ....... Get on with what? ........ "N ...... nothing
..... can I go now?" .......... No Ms. Teal, you can't .... not until I get
some answers, and I'm not getting them, so we can get them or .... we can
haul you back to the station and let someone else see what they can do for
you ..... your choice .......................... I just got out of the
cruiser and walked aimlessly toward the nearby cliffs .......... before I
knew it, a hand was on my arm holding me still ................. she didn't
say a word .............. not ...... one .........  word
................... and suddenly the vision of my mother just lying her
head on dads lap came in my mind .............. and the tears
............... the grief ..................... the horrible grief
................. it all poured out ........... right there ............ in
the light of the cruiser's headlights .............. on a deserted piece of
the world .................. not more than twenty feet from the blackness
of a 200 foot cliff ..........................................  "SHE'S
DYING, AND I WAS SUPPOSED TO TAKE CARE OF HER!!!!  Don't you see?!!!!! It's
all my fault!!!!!!!!!!!!!" ................. "It's all ............. my
fault" ......... And I just sat down in the dark grass and noticed officer
Brown sitting down with me, not saying a damn thing ................. "I
heard them, do you understand? ... I heard them tell me they didn't think
she would make it! Don't you understand?! I was responsible ....... I
failed ......... It has to end here
.......... ................. ................. it all has to end
............... without her ................. without her
................ I'm dead anyway
...................................................................



          So you see, if the hemorrhage continues, we don't believe
Ms. Iversons chances of recovery are very encouraging ..... I'm sorry but
you asked for an honest opinion and I have given it .....  things have
happened before and recovery can occur also but it is not something we can
see developing .... I'm sorry ..... is there anything else we can do for
you? ....................  "Yes, .............. pray"
.................... I do dear, every hour of the day ..... take care of
yourself and try to get some rest now ..... please. "Sure .....sure
.... I'm just going to sit with her for a while."  Of coarse, we understand
..... we'll talk to her aunt and uncle as soon as they arrive ........ and
I leave the room and find my princess ....my only hope for living .... and
taking her warm hand in mine, I lie my head down on her and wished my
mother was with me now .......  and let me know everything was going to be
alright ..... as I drift off into a lost and grey sleep .........



          Lauren, lets make a call to the hospital and let them know your
....... ok .......  alright? ......... "Sure ...... sure ...... why not, I
don't care anymore ..... just do what you have to." We stand up and walk
back to the cruiser and as I stand just outside the door, she reaches
inside the car and pulls out a phone, then dials some numbers ..... (I
guess she had them all the time to the hospital) ........ talking for a
bit, she eventually hands me the phone and steps away ......... Lauren???
Is that you?!!!!  "Hi, yes I'm here ... I'm fine."  Thank God Dear!!!  This
is Ella ........ Lauren, you have got to get here as soon as you can
!!!!!!!!! ......... I can hear her crying now ....... soon Bill's voice
comes on .......... Lauren???  This is Bill, listen, you have got to get
here now!!!!  You won't believe it .... I don't believe it!!!!!  It's my
baby girl !!!! She's awake!!!!!! SHE'S AWAKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  It's a
miracle!!!!!!!!!!  Lauren??!  Lauren are you there?!!!!  Dropping the phone
to the grass, I fall to my knees as the officer helps me regain myself
..... and hands me back the phone ....... "YES .....YES I'M
HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Oh Bill, is it true?!!!!!!!  Yes, by God YES!!!!!! She
said one word ........ Lauren........ the doctors are with her now but
......... dear God ...... Lauren .... there smiling ..... there ALL
actually ......  SMILING!!!!!!!!!  Get here Lauren and I mean NOW
...... and as I hear Bill taking his wife back inside, I can hear her
actually laughing with joy as the line goes out ..........................
Looking at officer Brown with pleading tear strained eyes, I beg for a fast
ride ............. and before I know it were blazing down the dark highway
with the colors of red and blue filling the dark sky ............ and all I
could see ......... was my mother looking down at me and saying softly to
me ....... "No ........ no, Lauren, were not done with this family"
.................................



          End of part seven
          Love to you all.... part eight to follow and please please keep
up the wonderful mail at leslie_hi@kaxy.com, I
          love them and all of you!