Date: Thu, 27 May 1999 21:09:32 -0700 (PDT)
From: D Laws <deeannlaws@yahoo.com>
Subject: My Secret Love Part One
Warning: This does contain material involving same sex relations, if you are
offended by this in any way then don't read it. This is only for fun,
and not meant for anything else.
MY SECRET LOVE
By D. Laws
PART ONE
Well where to begin. I'm not too sure when I first started to realize I
had these feelings for my instructor but as I noticed as each day had passed
that recently I couldn't stop thinking about her or fantasizing about her.
Not that I believed anything would ever really happen, but it made it hard
to face her every day in class. As hard as I tried I couldn't shake
thinking about her, and thinking about what it would be like to kiss her,
to feel her lips upon mine.
I wouldn't say she was the most attractive woman I've laid my eyes on,
but in her own way she was beautiful, and had this power about her that just
drew you to her even more. She was only about five years older than me,
but she seemed so much older, more sophisticated, and very well in control
of her life.
She was of average weight I would say with shoulder length dusty
blond/brown hair. I'd say she was about a few inches taller than me at
least. She would normally wear dresses to class, but on
occasion would see her wear jeans, or something casual that made her
seem more down to earth and reachable.
She was the head of our dental department, and basically ran the clinic.
There were about five other instructors in our department but Lauri was
basically the one in charge, though each instructor shared different
responsibilities.
She had this unapproachable aura about her. You were almost scared to
be called upon her in class, or to even have her look at you. She was
very intimidating, but that made her even more attractive. You wanted her to
notice you. I wanted to get close to her. I wanted to be more to her than
just another student, but how could I do that.
How could I become her friend or even more, especially when I was terrified
to even be in the room alone with her.
But I wanted so much more with her, but I knew I had to shake those
feelings out of my head. It would never happen. She was married with two
kids, and as far as I knew she was happy with her marriage, and would never
even think of being with another woman, or would even have these feelings
towards me.
I was crazy to even think this. So I determined to push these feelings
aside and to get on with my life and to just focus on school and what the
future would hold for me.
I was terribly shy, and very introverted, and kept to myself a lot.
No one knew I was gay and I liked it that way. I had only ever been with
two women in my life and they were brief relationships, but I was very
cautious to get involved with anyone again. My classmates assumed I had a
boyfriend, and I led them to believe that. I didn't need the hassle of
people knowing, let alone them feeling uncomfortable being around me.
I spent my nights curled up with books, studying or watching tv,
maybe one day I would find that love, or be strong enough to find that
person, but for now I always had an excuse to not go out. I had to study, I
had an excuse to always do something. I didn't want the hassle of
relationships, nor the hurt that always seemed to accompany them.
But lately my thoughts of Lauri consumed me. Why couldn't I shake her
from my mind? I had to stop this.
Why did she have this hold over me, and why would I even care?
What was it about her that just sucked me into her life? All I knew is
that I had to end these feelings, and would just have to be content to live
with this secret crush I had.
No one could know, and I had to keep it that way.
Lauri was a very tough instructor, she was always hard on the students but
even more so it seemed with me. On quite a few occasions I felt like going
up to her and approaching her with these undeserving grades. I felt I
didn't deserve some of her grades, and that I was working just as damn hard
as everyone else, and deserved better. But the shy person I was I just
kept it to myself, and thought I was crazy to think that she singled me out
and was harder on me then the rest.
It must be my imagination, so I just tried to work harder in clinic and
lecture and ignored any crazy feelings that she held something against me.
But as the next semester came and gone, over and over again I felt these
unnerving feelings. Damn, what is it that she holds against me, and why
do I find her so damn attractive? I knew I had to keep my feelings in check,
and not let them get the best of me. But I knew I was working just as hard
as the rest, and she was damn harder on me it seemed.
Summer semester was coming and I had a few weeks to think, and to get her
out of my system so to speak. Summer was going to be long and hard and I
knew I had to settle these feelings once and for all. I figured damn her,
and the rest, this semester I'm going to get the grades I deserve.
Forget any feelings I may have for her, its time to think of Samantha and
to stand up for what I deserve.
The few weeks break we had off, I used that time to gain any confidence and
strength in myself to face the summer. I needed to get refocused. I read
a lot of self help books, confidence books, tapes, you name it I tried. I
was determined to go back to class a changed person. I wasn't going to
let anyone get me down anymore. I had to take control of my life.
I even thought that it was time to start dating again.
I even tried some pheromones I had bought over the internet, not that I
felt it would really work or that I would feel any more attractive by using
it, or that people would flock towards me, but I did feel more confident,
and if that is all it did than I was happy with that, for I felt much
stronger and confident in myself.
I was going back to summer school ready and prepared for a great
summer no matter what. I had gone on a few dates now but nothing that I
would consider serious, but it was a start for me anyway to get back into
the dating scene.
People would consider me attractive, I was slim/athletic build, I loved
to work out and keep my body in shape. I had shoulder length auburn hair,
green eyes, though I had the offers, I still felt like I was holding out for
that special someone, so I kept my dates at arms length and didn't take
things too seriously. I knew I would know when the time was right or
situation was right to be intimate again, and I was content to just wait
for that special someone to come into my life.
Summer school started out great. I felt more confident in my clinical
skills and even patients seemed more at ease with me. There were even a few
occasions when Lauri was my supervisor for the day that she seemed almost
impressed at how well I was doing. I had this new sense of well-being and
that I could face anything.
There was this new girl in class, Shirley was her name I think,
who transferred in, she was beautiful, and a few times I had thought she
was even flirting with me but not wanting anyone to know that I was gay
I didn't approach her and figured if she was interested then maybe time
would tell with that. So I let my options stay open with that.
On one particular day I was finishing up a patient's teeth. Lauri was
my supervisor for that day. She came up a few times and asked if I was
doing okay and needed help, and I told her I was fine. I was actually
surprised at how helpful she was with me. A few times she checked on me
and patted me on my back and said good work. It just felt strange that she
was overly interested in how well I was doing. I wasn't complaining but it
just seemed strange. Was she actually flirting with me, or was I just
reading too much into her gestures? She definitely was being friendly,
that's for sure.
She had never been so helpful before, and now just seemed all too
willing to see how I was doing every few minutes. Either way, I wasn't
going to let my thoughts wander to any hopeful thoughts of her.
I knew I needed to stay focused this semester, with graduation just
around the corner and with board exams, I knew I had to stay focused on the
present and keep any fantasies of her and I out of my mind cause that is all
they were, just hopeful fantasies. I know she would never feel the same
towards me anyway as I do for her, plus her being married, it was just a
crazy dream anyway.
Well at the end of the day, I cleaned up my unit and headed to the
locker to freshen up and head home for the day. Lauri hadn't been seen for
the rest of the afternoon and I had to find another instructor to check my
patient out, so I was curious to why she had disappeared. Maybe I should go
tell her how things went with the patient. Well I'm sure something just came
up then. But I was curious to where she took off to. I wondered whether she
was in her office. I questioned myself whether to stop by or not. It had
been such a strange day with her being so helpful and coming up to me and
being really nice and affectionate, and my curiosity just got the best of
me so I decided to walk by her office after I freshened up some.
Just by luck I noticed I had packed some of my pheromones in my bag
so I sprayed some on, smiled to myself in doing so, and then headed off to
her office not knowing whether she would be there or not, or what I would
find.
I walked by Lauri's office, the door was shut but I could hear some
movement inside. I hesistated a few minutes before knocking, questioning
whether I should stop by or not, and if it seemed foolish as an excuse to
stop by to tell her how my patient went, but oh well, here goes, and I
knocked on the door. A few minutes went by so I knocked again, still no
answer.
"Lauri are you in there," I said after a few minutes. There was no
answer so I was about to turn around and leave when Lauri answered the
door. It looked like she had been crying.
"Umm..I'm sorry if this is a bad time I can come back later"
"No Samantha, come on in"
Lauri wiped the tears from her face and sat down. "So what brings you by
Samantha, is everything okay?"
"Yes things are fine, in fact I just wanted to tell you about Mr. Schultz,
the patient I had today. Since you were gone later this afternoon I got
Joan to check him out for me, but I just wanted to let you know how it went."
"But I can see that maybe I shouldn't have stopped by, I'm sorry, this isn't
a good time, so I'll leave." I got up to leave when Lauri stopped me.
"No Samantha it's alright sit down and tell me about today"
I felt foolish sitting there rambling on about my patient but she genuinely
seemed interested in me and wanting to know how I was doing. I was quite
surprised how at ease it was talking to her. She didn't seem like this
ominous authority figure to me anymore but someone actually down to earth,
someone I could talk to. Something had changed, or maybe it was just the
way I perceived things. I don't know, but she definitely seemed more
approachable.
Before I knew it I was rambling on about my life, school, and things
till I finally realized I had taken up a lot of her time.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to take up so much of your time.
I'm heading home so I had just wanted to let you know how today
went with my patient."
"No, its alright Samantha, its actually refreshing to listen.
I'm glad things are going better for you."
"Umm Lauri, I know its really none of my business, but are you
okay? I mean you seemed a bit upset when you first opened the
door...I'm sorry I shouldn't pry."
I felt embarrassed for even asking her that, and I got up to
leave.
A few seconds of silence went by, and then Lauri started to
cry again.
"Oh God, now what am I suppose to do", I said to myself. Lauri
wiped her eyes, and just began to talk and cry. She told me that she and her
husband were having some problems and that he moved out for awhile, and
that she had just gotten his phone call earlier that afternoon saying he was
moving out. I didn't want to pry and ask her why, so I just let her
continue to talk.
Here this woman was pouring her heart out to me. I had never seen her like
this before. She was always so strong and in control that seeing her
like this was very hard for me. I wanted to reach out and to hold
her, and to comfort her, but I knew I couldn't.
She looked at me and wiped her eyes again and sniffled and said,
"I'm sorry Samantha, I didn't mean to lay all of this on you and be
a sobbing mess here."
"No, don't apologize, its quite alright. I want to help if I can." I
reached out and touched her hand and looked into her eyes. I smiled and
told her I'm sure things would work themselves out.
"Your a very beautiful woman Lauri, I'm sure your husband knows
that. You guys will work through this."
I couldn't believe what I was saying to her, telling her how
beautiful she was, but I just couldn't stop myself, for it was the truth.
"I'm sorry," I said and slightly pulled my hand away.
It felt good to hold her hand but I didn't want to make her feel
uncomfortable.
Now I was the one feeling uncomfortable. I could feel a flush starting
in my body and I had to get out of there and breathe. Lauri looked at me
as I pulled my hand away and asked me if I really thought she was beautiful.
Now I was definitely feeling a little warm here and had to get out of here.
"Yes of course Lauri your very beautiful, anyone would be a fool to
not see that." "Oh God what am I saying here," I said to myself. I need to
get the hell out of here before...just then Lauri grabbed my hand as I was
standing up to leave.
"Samantha, what do you see?"
"What do you mean what do I see?"
"I mean do you see me as beautiful yourself, someone you would be
attracted to?"
"Lauri, I don't know what your asking, and I think I better go here
before I say something I might regret or do something we both might
regret."
"Samantha are you attracted to me?"
Oh shit, why did she have to ask me that. I hesitated in answering her
and turned my back and was ready to run the hell out of there. She stood up
and I felt her approach me from behind, and again she asked me if I was
attracted to her.
I slowly turned around and saw her eyes so close to me. She was the
most beautiful I had ever seen her. Her eyes were so sexy at that moment, I
wanted to reach up and kiss her right then.
"Samantha this past year of teaching you and seeing you grow and
approve your clinical skills, I've noticed things change in me. You seemed
so different than any of the other students and not so easily approachable.
Always so quiet and to yourself. It drew me to you even more. I didn't
know how to approach you. Maybe I have been a little more tough on you
then the others, but I see so much more potential in you. I'm sorry for
being so hard on you this year. It seems this summer we're both going
through some changes. I've noticed you seem more confident and aware of
yourself these past few weeks, and I've noticed some definite improvements
in your clinical skills." She said smiling at that last statement.
At that moment Lauri reached her hand up and stroked my face.
"Samantha I don't understand these feelings myself but..."
"Sssh...it's alright you don't have to say it."
I reached up and placed my fingers over her lips. Dead silence passed
between us as we looked into each other's eyes.
I ran my fingers slightly over her lips. I looked into her eyes for what
seemed like an eternity. She didn't stop me. I slowly leaned forward and
gently kissed her lips so softly. I pulled back slightly, waiting for
any encouragement from her. She placed her hands on my face and pulled me
into her for a deeper kiss.
I felt her lips part and touch mine. Her tongue gently probed my mouth
for entrance. I parted my lips and allowed her tongue entry. Our kiss
was so soft and pure, like none other than I had ever felt before.
The kiss became deeper and more intense. I felt her fingers run
through my hair as she held me into her. I pulled my lips away and looked
at her and saw such a look of love and raw passion that took my breath away.
Our lips forced their way back to each other, with more intensity becoming
deeper and rapid as our hands roamed each other's bodies pulling each other
closer. I felt her hand gently caress my face as we kissed.
I slowly reached up and caressed her breast as we kissed deeper. She let out
a little moan as my fingers gently squeezed at her breast. She pressed her
body into me even more.
Our kiss continued and we began to let our passion take control when I knew
I had to pull away before things got too out of hand.
I had to take a breath, and to think about what was happening.
Was she kissing me cause she was interested in me, or because she
was in need and feeling lonely because of her marital problems?
I questioned myself and had to pull away. I needed her, wanted her,
but I wanted her only if she wanted me the same way and felt the same.
I knew my feelings for her were much deeper than a secret crush.
"I'm sorry Lauri...I didn't mean to..." I hesitated, not knowing what
to say about what just happened. I turned away. I was too scared to look
at her, or what she might think of me. She didn't say anything.
So I turned and slowly walked out, not looking back, hoping that maybe she
would call out to me, but she didn't.
She didn't stop me so I continued out the door. I was both shocked
and in awe at what had just happened with her and I. Or how I was even
going to face her the next day in class.
"This is great Samantha," I said to myself. "She is my teacher for
crying out loud...damn...how the hell am I suppose to face her in
class now? I just couldn't stay away from her, could I?" I said
belittling myself.
All night the thoughts of the days events ran through my head, and how
I was going to face her the next day. I wondered if she was thinking of me,
and what she was going to say to me. It was late and I had to get some much
needed rest.
I laid my face into my pillow and started to cry. I knew I loved her,
but I also knew that this could never be, and with that I cried myself
to sleep, awaiting the inevitable of what the next day would bring.
I slowly woke up the next morning, not too motivated about facing Lauri in
class. Well I knew I had to get moving so I better get this over with one
way or another. Either way I have to tell her how I feel about her,
and why I walked out on her last night. Maybe she'll understand, or maybe
not, but she has to know how I feel.
I hesitated walking into class that morning. I had this feeling of
dread that I couldn't shake. I opened the door and sat myself down in the
back of the classroom. Our eyes met. She briefly looked at me and
turned away. My heart began to beat faster...what was I going to say to her.
All through class I hadn't heard anything with lecture, thoughts of what
I was going to say to her rehearsed over and over again in my mind.
Everytime I looked at her she would turn away. It seemed like she was
purposely avoiding eye contact. I felt hurt by her actions but we still
had to talk.
After class I waited for the students to leave. Lauri seemed to be
in a rush to get out of there. I walked up to the front of class and waited
for her to look up at me, but she continued to pack her notes ignoring my
presence.
"Lauri, can we talk please?" I said almost under my breath.
"Samantha, this isn't a good time, I have alot of things to do
today." she said while avoiding eye contact.
She grabbed her things and walked by me, totally ignoring me.
"Lauri, I think we need to talk. We can do it here, or in your
office but either way I'm going to say this to you now, and if you
want the whole damn department to know then fine with me! I suggest
you don't walk away from me Lauri!" I yelled out to her as she
continued to walk away.
"You've been ignoring me all morning, and if you want to make
this a scene then we can do that!"
I started to raise my voice a bit as she continued out the door.
"Damn" I said as I followed her to her office.
"Fine, Samantha, you want to talk, then let's talk!"
She opened the door to her office and I followed her in and shut the door.
She threw her things on her desk and crossed her arms and looked at me with
disgust.
"You wanted to talk, then talk. Let's get this over with cause I
have too many other important things to do today!" Lauri said.
"Why are you so damn mad at me? What the hell did I do?
Oh, I know, I kissed you! That's what I did, and then walked out
on you! Lauri that kiss meant so much more to me than a kiss, I
had to leave to think about that, and to hopefully give you time
to think about what had happened. I have feelings for you Lauri.
I'm sorry that I do, but I can't help but feel this way for you.
And I want it to mean more to you than something casual as well.
All last night I thought about how wrong it was, your married, and
all of that, your my instructor, but I don't care, you mean so
much to me.
I can't stop thinking about you, or wanting you. But I have to know
that you feel the same and want the same. God help me, but I am
falling in love with you."
"Samantha, please don't say that. Your not falling in love with me.
What happened yesterday was a mistake. I was confused, and upset
with my husband moving out, and you were there, and I just confused
my feelings with all of it. It should have never happened, and I'm
sorry that it did. Your a wonderful person Samantha, but please
don't think that this means anything more than what it was."
"Lauri, what about what you said, and how you felt towards me, was
that all a lie? Didn't any of this mean anything to you, didn't you
feel something when we kissed? You can't tell me that you didn't,
and that this was just you being upset with your husband.
I know there was more to our kiss than that...you can't tell me
you didn't feel it. Please don't tell me you don't feel this.
I love you, don't do this."
"Samantha I don't love you. I'm sorry but your going to have to
realize that this was a mistake. I'm sorry that I hurt you, and this
happened but we have to let this go. Samantha you have to realize
that I am a very respectable instructor. I've always been so in
control of my life. This isn't me, and this shouldn't have happened.
And I ask you to keep this quiet. This never happened, and it
should remain that way. This should just remain between us as our
little secret, but as far as I'm concerned this never happened, and
I suggest you do the same and move on. As your instructor I'm
suggesting you to keep things that way. No one has to know."
I began to cry, the tears pouring down my face. I couldn't believe
what she was saying to me and how cruel she was.
"So I guess this didn't mean anything to you. I expected so much
more of you Lauri. I thought you were different. I didn't think
you cared about your image so much, but I guess I was wrong. You
can deny what we felt for each other yesterday, but I know in my
heart the truth. And you don't have to worry about your precious
image, it's safe with me. No one will know, its our little secret!
Your right, this never happened!" I slammed the door on my way out,
the tears rolling down my face.
I ran to my car, not wanting anyone to see me sobbing uncontrollably.
I jumped in my car, my face against the steering wheel as my tears washed
over my face. I cried for what seemed an eternity when I heard someone
banging on my car window. I looked up and it was shirley, my classmate
from school, the new transfer student. I wiped my eyes and rolled down
the window.
"Samantha are you okay" Shirley said. "I saw you run to your car
upset, and I just wanted to come over and see if you were okay."
I sniffled and wiped my face. "Hi, shirley. That's really sweet
of you, but I'm fine. I'm just not feeling too good today so I'm
going to skip clinic this afternoon and head home. I might take a
few off-days from clinic. I just need to get some things together.
But I'm okay, thanks for asking. Hey can you do me a favor?"
"Samantha are you sure your okay. I'm a great listener."
"That's really nice of you Shirley but don't worry I just need
some time to myself. If you can tell Joan that I won't be in
this afternoon and that I am taking the rest of the week off
from clinic I would really appreciate that."
"Is that wise to be taking this time off so soon before graduation?
Anyway, shouldn't I tell Lauri, she would need to know?"
"No, I'm sure Joan will let her know. And I have a few off days
anyway so it shouldn't affect graduation credits, and one of the
other students or you if you'd like can take my patients for
this week. It shouldn't be a problem. Can you tell Joan for me?"
"Sure Samantha, will I see you on Monday?"
"Yeah, hopefully. Don't worry, I'm fine okay? Look I have to go, so
I'll talk to you later than. Thanks, Shirley."
"Okay, Samantha, see you next week."
Shirley waved goodbye to me as I drove off down the road.
"Oh Samantha this isn't wise at all." Shirley thought.
"I need to go tell Lauri what your planning. You shouldn't be
taking this whole week off. Well maybe Lauri will beable to talk
some sense into you."
Shirley thought to herself. "Hmmm...Yes, I need to go see Lauri and
tell her. I'll go do that now."
A knock came at the door. "I wonder who that is now," Lauri spoke to herself
trying to calm her nerves down after talking with Samantha. "Get yourself
together here Lauri, people can't see you like this." Lauri straightened
herself up. Lauri cleared her throat.
"Yes, who is it?" Lauri called out.
"Lauri, it's Shirley. I was wondering if I could talk to you for a
few moments."
Lauri opened the door for Shirley. "Yes come in. What can I do for you?"
"Umm...well I'm not sure if I should be saying this because Samantha
will get mad at me, and I'm going against her wishes by coming to you,
but I thought you should know that I just saw her pretty upset
leaving in her car.
She had asked me to go to Joan and tell her that she wouldn't be in
all week and that she's taking her off-days for clinic. I tried to
tell her with graduation around the corner that I didn't think it was
wise but she didn't listen, and said she needed some time to herself.
I know it's really none of my business, but I'm just a little
concerned is all. She did seem really upset for some reason.
Anyway, I just thought you should know."
"Thanks Shirley, you did the right thing by coming to me. Don't
worry, I'll handle this okay? I'll talk with Samantha, but in the
meantime maybe you should try and schedule some of her patients
with yours as well."
"Alright, Lauri, I'll do that." Shirley said as she walked out
the office.
"Hmmm...Samantha, what am I going to do about you?" Lauri pondered
to herself.
After leaving Shirley standing in the parking lot, I started to drive. I
didn't know where I was headed but I just had to get out of there. A nice
cold drink I think would do the trick. I decided to drive to the local bar.
Yeah, at 10am in the morning, I'm sure to have the whole place to myself.
"Damn, I missed the exit, well, I will take the next one." I said
to myself as I swerved back onto the highway.
I was crazy to think that she could feel the same for me. Who was I trying
to kid? My thoughts were driving me crazy, and the tears continued to
come. My eyes were blinded from the tears, and I wasn't watching my driving
too well as I swerved back and forth from the edge of the road.
The exit was coming up fast, so I took a sharp turn to make it onto
the next exit to take the highway back into town. My sobbing continuing to
increase. I wasn't watching my spedometer,or how sharp I took that exit, as
I wiped the tears from my eyes, the next thing I knew was my car flipping
over in the ditch.
It all happened so quickly. I felt the car swerve off the exit ramp but I
couldn't get control of the steering wheel. Time was motionless as I felt
the weight of the car twisting and turning into the ditch. Every effort
to gain control was useless. My voice was silent. I couldn't even scream
out. I felt no pain as my body was flung motionless into the steering
wheel and compartments of the car. Then I remember nothing. I could
hear sirens around me, and people shouting, but everything was black and
still. I thought I could hear people talking to me, but it sounded so
distant and muffled that I couldn't let them know I was okay.
I tried to talk, to tell them where I was, but nothing would come out.
Then the blackness and silence engulfed me.
The second part is being worked on, hope you like the story so far, I do
promise the rest soon when I can find the time to finish, and I promise the
love saga will continue with Lauri and Samantha.