Date: Fri, 15 Feb 2008 01:38:21 -0800 (PST) From: Lira Feliciano <yoannarouge@yahoo.com> Subject: stay by my side ch.4 I got out of bed and get ready for my classes, Steph isn't there anymore, maybe she doesn't want to talk to me anymore or maybe I'm the one who don't want to talk and thankful that she isn't there. She confessed to me, she told me she love me but what is this feeling, I don't want us to be committed but I don't want to lose her as my friend, what should I do? "Hey! You looked awful, what happened, did you cry last night?" "How did you know?" I said surprised "Your face shows" then I started to feel down again, I cant stop thinking about Steph and what she said, I want to tell someone but I cant, I don't know what to do. That day I cant concentrate, Kyla always poke me whenever I'm off again, but I cant help it. I stay out late at night although I know that when I get home Steph will not be asleep, so I went back and try not to talk to her. I saw her lying on her bed, again her back at me, when she thinks I'm already asleep, she begins to cry again, I always hear it every night and it breaks my heart because I know I'm the reason why she's like that. I wasn't able to see Steph's face for a week, and it made me so lonely that it became unbearable. Then one night when I got home, Steph isn't there, so I wait for her before I go to sleep but she didn't come, I look around, her things are still in the room, so I get this relief feeling that she didn't move somewhere. I got tired of waiting so I didn't notice that I already fell asleep. The next morning, Kyla came to me running from the dorm hallway. "Nori! Is it true that Steph was sent to the hospital? How's she?" those words from Kyla shook every bone in my body, I felt weak, I didn't know what happened "Hey Nori, are you ok?" "Steph's in the hospital?" I ask Kyla "You mean you don't know?" I shook my head "I heard from Mr. Richards that her parents picked her up and brought her to the hospital because she's becoming weak again, why? Is she always like that?" "Yes" I told her honestly "But she look so lively, especially when she came here, she's always active even at school" I had to tell Kyla what's going on between us "Me and Steph aren't talking with each other for weeks now?" "Why?" my eyes is starting to get blurred but I'm trying hard to resist my tears "I cant tell you, I'm sorry, excuse me" so I went inside my room and my tears started to fell and I cant control the emotions flowing out of me. I didn't go to school that day and since its almost weekend, I stayed at my room crying and thinking about Steph. Then Sunday came, I'm still hanging out in my room, having no plans of going out anytime soon. I look outside the window and I can see the lake where we used to talk and spend time most of the day. Its nice and shiny outside while inside my heart is full of guilt and uncertainness. The door opened and for the first time in many weeks I saw the only thing I wanted to see all this time. Stephanie walked in, I gazed at her, I wanted to talk to her but I don't know what to say, she looked at me and said "I'm sorry I didn't leave a note, my parents send me to the hospital when they visited, they said I need to go" I was relieved that she spoke to me "Thanks, I'm worried too when you did not come back, I just knew that you were sent to the hospital the next day" "Thanks for worrying, I'll just lie here coz the doctor said I need some sleep" she said while walking to the bed "Well, did you ever get any?" she smiled and then lay on the bed "No" then we both smiled, I missed those smiles "So do you want to sleep together? I also want to lounge all day" she smiled at me, a weak but sincere one. I know that she wanted to, so I lay beside her and this time I'm the one who hugged her, so she can fell asleep and to make up for all the heartaches Ive caused her. "Friends?" I whispered then she nod, then finally we both fell asleep. It's already morning when we woke up so we are so hungry we didn't get anything to eat, weeks of sleepless nights were paid off. We took a bath and we went to the cafeteria together, for the first time we are having breakfast "It's the first time we're having breakfast together right?" "Yes, you always left early since you have those clubs" she smiled while picking her food "It's nice being with you like this, I can relax" she told me while looking at me so sweetly "Really? I thought I was giving you a hard time" "Not that much" we continued eating and then we walked together going to school, then a familiar voice said "Well if it isn't Steph and Nori, this is a rare sight, the two of you walking together while going to school, your not going to be late are you Steph?" Kyla said sarcastically "No, I need to lessen my extra curriculars so I will not be stressed, lets just say I'm on leave" we all laughed and headed toward our classes "Steph looks ok now, does she?" I nodded "You too as well, right?" "Yes, we had a long and good night sleep" I said teasingly "Can you tell me something straight?" "What is?" Kyla wants to hesitate but she really insisted to ask me something "Is there something going on between you and Steph?" "Let's just say that what we had is more than friendship and the feeling is mutual" "Then you really are..." I shook my head "I'm just happy that we are friends, that's all!" this time she shook her head "You know what, you're screwed" then we turned to listen to the lecture and finished our discussion right there. Why do I always ignore those things Kyla is trying to say to me, I keep shrugging the possibility that I could return the feelings Steph wanted, but I cant do it. Im such a coward. Every time Steph and I were alone, I'm telling myself that I was too selfish to ignore her feelings, I know that every time we are together I'm hurting her, I know how much she wants to hold me, talk to me about her feelings and even just be with me. I have never been in a relationship so I was afraid that whatever happens between us after we graduate will be going to waste. Yes, I have loved her, maybe I loved her more than anyone else, but I don't want to lose her, I want to be with her forever, I want to keep her with me and I never want to end it. "Noriko? Is something wrong?" Steph's eyes met mine, full of concern "Nothing, I just want you to be by my side forever" she smiled and put her arms across mine, holding me "Then I have to stay like this forever right?" she said still smiling but somehow the look in her eyes tells me she is sad and I thought she almost cried. I brushed those small tears from her eyes, and I looked at her, no , not look at her, I stared, long enough to make those tears of hers flowing. I hold her face, she's still crying and I cried to, I cant take the feeling that I'm having for her, it overwhelmed me. I hold her tight in my arms saying nothing, nothing that can make our feelings relieved, then she hugged me tightly and sobbed so hard. "I love you Noriko! I don't know what I'm feeling and it hurts me, I just know that I love you so much and I cant help it" I'm still holding her tightly saying nothing, I want to say I love her but I cant, if I wont then I would leave a huge scar in her heat. "Steph, give me time" I whispered, then she looked at me and without saying anything she run outside and left me in the room. I dropped on my knees, I had the chance then I blew it, I picked myself up and left the room, so I went to the lake. I was looking at the view, then somehow tiredness crept in and I slumber right under the tree. When I wake up I saw a blurred figure in front of me, and then when it became clear I saw Steph smiling at me. "I was looking all over for you, but when I looked at the window, I saw you here, sleeping" "Sorry, did I made you worry?" she walk near me "Yes, a bit" then she smiled "So what are you doing here anyway?" "Thinking" I said not getting up from the position I was in, then she sat beside me "Don't think so much, sometimes thinking interferes what you are feeling and then make it more complicated than it already is" is she saying that I'm thinking too much about us "Do you really love me?" I asked "Do I have to tell you all over again?" she looked at me but I looked away "I'm not rushing you and I don't expect anything, its much more better than hoping" "Then you really want to get hurt by doing this" "But I cant force you right?" "I don't know" then we fell silent, we didn't wait long to leave the place, we head straight to the cafeteria where Kyla and Frances are waiting for us "How are you Frances?" I asked her, she seemed so happy "We are going to tell you something" said Frances excitedly "What?" I asked hurriedly "We are officially partners!" she revealed holding Kyla tightly by the arms, Steph is kind of shocked and then after that relieved "What partners? Where are you going to be partners?" then the atmosphere changed the three looked at me weirdly like I'm the stupidest person in the world "What? What did I say?" Kyla almost laugh "Honey, me and Frances are girlfriends" she explained "I know that" still confused "Not that kind of girlfriend, Nori! We are commited! Is that hard to understand?" Then I finally get it "She thinks to much" Steph explained then let out a sigh "I was relieved when you said that, I thought you liked me all this time Frances" Steph said to Frances "You what?" I asked in shock "Yes I liked you a lot Steph but then I realized I love Kyla, so I never think twice when she said that she loved me" "What?" all of this is going too fast for me "You know what Nori, just eat already" Kyla ordered and they start laughing, and so before I get more confused, I ate my dinner and bid them goodnight, Steph followed me and then we went back to our room. "Well that was a surprise" Steph said "They look so happy, unlike me" Steph went towards me "Why are you not happy?" she asked then she kneeled in front of me while I'm seating at the edge of the bed "Because I'm making you sad" she give me a weak smile "You are not making me sad, you make me happy just being with you, I'm glad that you don't turn me away when I already confessed to you, and yet you're still here beside me" I smiled weakly "I'm tired, can we go to sleep?" she nodded and we both went to bed I felt Steph breathing when she sleeps, I hugged her tightly and then she hugged me too, I felt comfortable with her in my arms. I relaxed for a moment not thinking anything, I closed my eyes and just before I fell asleep, I whispered "I love you Stephanie"