Date: Thu, 08 Jun 2006 19:49:57 -0500
From: Cameron P. <cameron9_24_81@hotmail.com>
Subject: The Trouble With Women part 2

This story is purely a work of fiction and therefore any resemblences to
real people are not intented. The story contains sexual acts between women,
if this type of content offends you or you are underage, please do not read
it.

If there are any comments to be made you can reach me at the following
address: Cameron9_24_81@hotmail


   I didn't go home that night for a long time.  I just drove around with
the music low, barely noticable, while my mind went in circles.  "How could
I let that happen???"  I haven't let myself get caught up in a woman for
years now.  But, suddenly, because she decides she wants to ram her tongue
down my throat, "sure!  Why not?!."  The events of the evening were giving
me a headache and there wasn't a pain reliever in the world big enough for
inner termoil.

    I walked into the house at three a.m. and sank into the big chair in my
study.  Even when I don't have a woman they're complicated and cause me
problems.  I suppose you're wondering why I'm "over-reacting" about this.
Or why I'm having a problem with this at all, really?  It's a long and
complicated story.  But I'll keep it brief because venting relaxes me.

  As I've said.  I've never had any luck with women.  I always attracted
malicious, egotistcal, selfish women.  Such as Jules, whom moved in with me
after three dates without me knowing it.  She was a trip, let me tell you.
I worked my ass of while she didn't even look for a job for a year.  Even
when my father was dying she did nothing to help out.  She smoked a lot of
pot, drank, and played video games.

Then came Sammi.  We dated sparingly for eight months until one day I found
that she not only cheated on me with her ex-girlfriend but she had gotten
married one night and was pregnant with some man's baby.  Needless to say,
I was gone quicker than you can say yeast infection.

A few flings went on in between then until I met Sherry.  Sherry had two
children.  Now, I've never dated a woman with children and let's face it.
I like kids but I don't like that much.  I had six months with this woman
where she proceded to fuck with my mind, cheat on me numerously, while I
was babysitting her children and she was suppose to be working, mind you.
She pretty much moved in.  And I spent more time with her children than she
did.  After a great struggle I finally got out of it with some semblance of
sanity left.

i never loved any of these women.  I knew it.  I've only ever loved one
woman.  She was a beautiful Hispanic goddess.  I knew I loved her because
you feel it.  I was so young when we got together.  I think I was thirteen
and she was eighteen.  I would have done anything in the world to make her
happy.  There were so many problems with us, don't get me wrong.  We fought
constantly.  But my feelings for her never weavered.  I look back on it now
and kick myself for my nievity and youth.  I lied,as is the trouble of the
young.  I lied to look better in her eyes.  And then, with all lies, they
get uncovered.  I never meant to hurt her, it wasn't intentional. And she
had the temper on her that is only blessed to the latin heritage.  She
would call me at all hours of the morning raving because something was my
fault.  It was beautiful, every insult in rapid Spanish.  Insults always
sound better in languages you can't understand.  But over the three plus
years we were together everything came out.  I loved her more than myself,
yes.  But, being the strong and independant woman she was, she ended it.
At the time I was heart broken.  I didn't understand.  Love should conquer
all, shouldn't it?  She tried to remain friends with me, but I couldn't do
it.  And eventually we just stopped contact all together.  It was only a
few years ago that I realized how right she was.  It had to be ended.  I
wasn't even eighteen yet and she was getting further and further into
adulthood.  She had different responsibilities and obligations to fill from
mine.  We couldn't have continued.  I cringe now at how I was back then.
The childish feelings, the temprement, the self indulgance.  I think I've
moved on a lot since then, my mind has matured.  I still have a lot to
learn though.

I still love her.  To this day I love her.  Only now, she holds a place in
my heart.  A place no one else can touch.  Then, it was like my world
collapsed.  I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, couldn't function.  I even
graduated from school early so I wouldn't have to have contact with people.
It took me six months to get over.  But, I lived and still carry her with
me with an essence of fond rememberance.

  As I think back through all of this I slowly drift off to sleep with my
cat Quinn in my lap and Anne Rice's Blackwood Farm in the background on the
cd player.

...................


  The next morning I drove over to Jen and Deb's.  I needed to apologize
for the following night and just be in the company of someone I cared for
and respected.  I knocked on the door and saw Jen through the glass.  She
raised an eyebrow at me and opened the door.  Their Golden Retriever Saddie
jumped and slobbered on me.

"So..." Jen says with a wondering tone "What happened last night?"

"Where's Deb?"  I asked.  Not really wanting to think about the previous
evening.

"She's giving a lecture down at the hall.  Now stop changing the subject.
You ran out of here like Forrest Gump last night.  Maybe even faster."

I sighed a heavy sigh and walked into their living room and sat down on the
couch.  Saddie, thinking she's a lap dog, fondly curls herself on my lap.
Or attempts it anyways.  "I..I really don't know what to tell you Jen."

Jen sits on the chair diagonal from me and stares at me.  Not believing a
word from my mouth.  "Woman.  I've known you for how many years now?  I
know you and there was something definetly wrong last night.  I tried to
talk to Caroline last night.  She looked so confused and upset.  She said
she didn't know what happened.  I know a kiss or something got passed
between you two and then she said you just bolted like a deer in the
headlights.  So spill it or I shall nag you to death."

I roll my eyes at her and sigh heavily. "I don't know what happened.  She's
so perfect.  In a woman she's everything I've ever hoped for.  She's
beautiful, funny, a good job, intelligent without being abnoxiously so,
great fashion sense..."

"So then what's the problem???!"  Jen says in a raised voice of
exasperation.

"She's a woman."

"Well sweetie, being a lesbian I thought that's what you looked for."

"Stop being a smart ass." I said with a smirk. "You know what I mean.  I've
never really had a good experiance with a woman and this woman would have
the power to make life very difficult for me.  I mean, when she kissed me
last night I exploded.  I was out of my mind with want for her.  I kind of
blacked out.  I got lost in her.  All of her.  I wanted to kiss every part
of her.  Touch her.  Feel her.  The perfume she was wearing was
intoxicating and seemed to pull me in with the heat of her body.  Then I
came to my senses and realized I shouldn't be doing this.  How can
something feel so right and so wrong at the same time?"

Jen takes a sip of her tea and ponders this for a minute.  Ponders me in
general I think.  I hate when she does this.  It makes me nervous.  My eyes
stride over the living room and then I rest my elbows on my knees and put
my fingers on my temples...massaging.  Finally, she speakes.

"You know what I think?  I think you're too afraid of someone getting close
to you.  That another woman will hurt you like your first."

"Yes, but..."  I pipe up and she quickly silences me with a hand wave.

"I know you realize this.  However, you don't realize the extent.  You
don't have to push everyone away.  The women you've chosen after your first
have all been horrid.  None of them have been close to the kind of person
you've wanted to be with.  Unintentionally or not, you've been protecting
yourself.  On the surface yes, you've been with a lot of women.  But
underneath you've only been with one."

"You yourself said you thought Caroline was a woman-eater.  To be with her
seems like a bad choice if it chooses to be true." I said, with a little
snap in my voice.

"I did say that because I think it is true.  But not in the sense you take
it.  I said she was a woman-eater because when she see's someone she wants
she goes after you like a lionness.  I did not mean she goes after every
attractive, available female.  After she met you that night at the
restaurant she grilled Deb and I about you.  Subtly, but still grilled.
So, as far as I can tell she only see's you.  and judging from last night
she has to feel horrible.  You ran from her like a republican running from
a sensible idea."

I gave her a small smile.

"I'm not saying fling yourself head first into anything.  But, you need to
give someone a chance.  Atleast enough to see their character.  I know you
have a knack for looking at people and knowing who they are.  And I know
you didn't see anything to fear in Caroline but someone you liked on many
different levels.  And that, lovey, is what scared you."

I put my fingers under my chin and looked at her.  "You know, I hate it
when you're smug."

She smiles.  "I know."

"I know I need to give people chances.  But it would completely throw off
my image of scorn and cynicism.  Plus, there was one thing I never told you
about...which adds to my reasoning of avoiding women like Typhoid Mary."

"Which would be?"  Asked Jen curiously.

"Sherry, the last girl I was with...you remember me telling her about her
cheating and such?  Well, At one point she told me she was with someone who
was HIV positive.  So I had to go get tested.  And let me tell you now,
there is no pain or fear worse than that two weeks of waiting for your
results.  I kept thinking that if I were positive it was all from some
woman I had no feelings for.  You sit there day after day looking around
you wondering how much longer you'll have to be in this shell, this life.
All of the "what if's" playing around in your brain.  Luckily enough, mine
turned out negative.  But, after that I took a vow of abstinence until I
found someone who was worth the risk.  And you guys wonder why I have a
hard time liking people in general?"

"I'm sorry you had to go through that."  Jen said.  And I could tell she
meant it and really tried to understand what I went through.  "However, I
really do want happiness for you.  And while I love your cynisism and scorn
on life views.  There's this part of me that wishes you could find your
other half in life.  Maybe even someone to scoff at it with you."  She
takes another drink of her tea and looks at me intently."I need to run to
the grocery store.  So why don't you come with me and we'll discuss things
further."

"Okay, my car or yours?"

"Your car.  I feel like a bad ass riding in it.  And you know, being a
college counselor doesn't offer many occassions for that."  She laughs and
we grab our stuff and head out.


................................


   Now I know what Jen had said made a lot of sense.  But, I just can't
bring myself to go to Caroline.  I'm very shy, as I've told you, and after
the scene I made, I just can't do it.  So, here I am, four weeks later, in
the same place I started.  I've been cooped up in my study.  Surrounded by
my walls upon walls of books.  Working on my papers like an eccentric
hermit.  I've been avoiding everyone lately.  Caroline did call my cell a
few times.  Getting the number from Deb and Jen I pressume.  But I ignored
the calls and soon they stopped.  It's just me and my books.  I don't mind
so much.  I like to solitude.  On the other hand I feel terrible about what
I did to Caroline.  She put herself out there and I ran away like a rabbit
from a .22.

If I'm going to be completely honest with you, and to myself.  I don't know
what I want.  I haven't for a long time.  And to mask this fact from
myself.  I shut my mind off.  So I try not to think about anything that's
happened.

I hear my phone ringing, playing the delightful polyphonic of "Hips Don't
Lie" by Shakira.  I flip it open.

"Hello"

"Sweetie Darling!"  It's my first and favorite gay man, Tris.

"Hey homo, what are you doing?" I say vibrantly.

"Oh little bit of him, little bit of that.  What are you doing next
Saturday?"

"Honey, am I ever doing anything?"

He laughs. "Good point, hun.  Anywho, I was wondering if you want to go
with me and my new beu to the new play in town."

I ponder for a minute.  That would mean I would have to be around a lot of
people.  I cringe at the thought. "What's playing?"

"Jesus Christ Superstar" He says with a tone that says "I know you want
to."  And yes, I do.  He knows I love the musical.

"Alright, you win harlet.  What time?"

I agree to meet him at the theatre at seven.


.......................................


  I walked up to the outside of the theatre at 7:10.  I went for student
casual tonight.  A dark blue Hollister t shirt with a pair of low rise,
flair leg pair of khaki Dickies pants covered by a slim fitted black
blazer, and ending with a pair of black, low top Converse All Stars.
Ordinarily I would have preped it up a bit.  But when going places with
Tris I tend to dress down, yet fashionably.  If that makes sense.  I see
Tris waving at me from the middle of the crowd.  It's so like a gay man to
pick the middle of anywhere.  Center of Attention.  I love this man.  I
have to proclaim it.  He's gorgeous with his 5'10 slim frame, with long,
wavy dark brown hair and brown eyes.  He's in the same style of pants as me
with a light blue button up shirt rolled to the elbows.  He was standing
next to an equally gorgeous man.  I almost fell in love with him as well.
He had the shaggy hair that's all so common with men these days in a
violent shade of black with electric blue eyes.  I assumed they were
contacts.  But they looked stunning.  He was atired in a distressed pair of
jeans and a light pink button shirt with a black blazer over it.  After a
few minutes of admiring one anothers clothes and me smoking a cigarette
before the two hour event, it was time to go in.

I have to say that the cast for this version was fair for our little town.
However, by the time Judas was singing in his Elvis-like seventies disco
suit I had to get out and get some air.  I walked out into the chilled
night air and pulled out my menthols.  I lit one up and sighed as the smoke
filled my lungs and I exhailed.  I walked back and forth for a bit, just
taking in the world in general.  I turned around and I saw her.

"Hi." was all Caroline muttered in a quiet voice.