Date: Sat, 16 Jul 2005 11:12:55 -0700 (PDT)
From: Edna Martinez <baby_edna2000@yahoo.com>
Subject: Edna's Weakness 1 (Revised)

This is the story of how my condition as a child helped me realize who I
really am.  If you are ready for this, please enjoy and share my happiness.

Comments or experiences to share : baby_edna2000@yahoo.com


Chapter 1 (The Discovery)

Ever since I can remember I was a very strange child. When I was in
preschool, almost every other kid would take advantage of me; either by
emptying my lunch box, bullying me out of my seat or even just pushing me
around whenever they could. It was almost as if they could sense my
weakness and exploit it at will.  At home at nights, I would suffer of
chronic night horrors, which would drive my parents insane, since I will
always end up wedged between both of them, as I just couldn't stand up to
my excruciating fear of darkness.  I was also extra clingy to my parents,
even for a girl; I will follow and go with them everywhere, almost like a
handicapped child.  I guess deep inside of me, even at such early age, I
understood and acknowledged the fragility of my character.

To my demise, this wasn't just a stage in my early years; I had to endure
this karma all through elementary school.
 I felt very frustrated and knew that I had to do something if I wanted to
be a NORMAL girl.  I had many talks with my parents and we just couldn't
pinpoint the source of the problem and much less find the answer.  Helpless
and clueless, my only hope was professional help.

I was taken to a psychologist that specialized on kids with character
problems and deficits, usually the case being "low self esteem and limited
socialization", explained Dr. Padilla; but then again that was only part of
the case, or at least a small part of it.  I was a beautiful girl, or at
least my teachers thought so, they always complimented me on my
grayish-blue eyes and the "cute freckles" on my cheeks, which by the way I
hated;
 I always thought they stood out too much due to my very pale skin.  My
situation was very odd, for some reason I understood that I was pretty and
yet somehow didn't feel that way;
 I guess when you are confused you are confused.

After several sessions, endless number of questions and mental tests,
Dr. Padilla finally revealed his diagnosis to my parents, "Edna's situation
is very peculiar, she has no mental or medical traumas, Mr. and
Mrs. Lespaire your daughter is naturally low in self esteem and she is
extremely weak".  He went on to explain that I wasn't physically weak, for
I was a healthy kid; my weakness was of character.
 He explained that there was no treatment or therapy for my condition, and
that only time would tell
 if I was going to get over this hump.

Little did I know that my helpless condition was going to play a major role
in my very near future.

When I reached eight grade, at 14 years old, I was still fighting my
internal battles, living the same situation but I had accepted it.  I found
that in grade school my schoolmates were nicer to me (maturity I guess); I
even managed to make some friends.  Little by little I was able to mask my
condition to a point where it was hardly noticeable.  This was a great
achievement for me; even though I knew that my condition was still there, I
was able to hide it from everyone, I felt there was a light at the end of
the tunnel.  As time progressed, things got better and better. I started
really mingling with kids at school, and I started to participate in social
activities, things were looking much better.  I had two best friends Lisa
and Megan; they really helped me to be more independent from my parents, as
I would hang out with them almost everyday. Of course my parents allowed
and were happy with it because they understood that it was an important
step for me.  Lisa and Megan will take me to the movies, we would go
roller-skating, we will even have little slumber parties.
 I felt I was starting to become a NORMAL girl, and that was gratifying.

However there was still something, something I couldn't quite grasp, it was
an almost ominous and inexplicable perception of things to come, a strange
feeling, it was exciting and troubling, different; something so strong and
powerful that would purge me and take over my being; something I wouldn't
be able to hide. Let me explain.

Living in Texas, one has to adjust to the blistering heat. Being natives of
Texas, my best friends Lisa and Megan knew that the best strategy to fight
heat was to sport very lithe clothing or very little clothing, thus
allowing the skin pores to breathe freely.  As a result the attire of
mostly every girl in my high school would consist of a very lithe standard
t-shirt, white tennis shoes with no socks, and micro jeans shorts or micro
cotton shorts; jeans shorts being the favorite, since it gave a more casual
appearance.

Even I had no other choice but to wear lithe clothing to fight the heat. Of
course being insecure as I was, I would wear shorts that reached to my
knees; 'I can't afford to have people see my pale thighs with freckles', I
thought.

Lisa and Megan had little inhibitions, they would flaunt what they had; so
needless to say they both sported the micro-mini shorts; and they had the
bodies to do it.  Lisa and Megan were very active teenagers, in and out of
school. They played for the high school's volleyball team; and so they had
an athletic build, with flat abdomens and thick calves and thighs
accompanied by a pair of very round and prominent set of ass cheeks, that
always seemed to bounce up and down as if they had a mind of their own,
specially when they would jump to serve or to do a kill.

Lisa and Megan naturally wore the same team uniform, yet Lisa's ass cheeks
always seemed to be spilling out of the bottom of her shorts; sometimes I
wondered if she was totally oblivious to it.

I always did wonder why girls in Texas had such plump asses. Who knows,
maybe the food.  Megan and Lisa both had the All American blonde hair-blue
eyes look, yet they were really down to Earth.

At 14 they still had some developing to do, and so their breasts department
wasn't that spectacular; they were still small, yet very perky; maybe
because of the volleyball; but then again who really cares, when you have
such amazing legs and asses.

Sometimes I even felt a little jealousy, because I wished I had an equally
athletic body and even more important, I wish I had their tan.

Girls in Texas or at least in my town had gorgeous tans; Lisa and Megan
were no different; their skins looked silky and unblemished all year round,
and their tan was a perfect gold, which would make the microscopic blond
hairs in their calves and thighs stand out and contrast with their skin
beautifully. Ohhh, I felt so proud of being their friend.

During my many months of outings and hanging out with my two best friends
is when I started to realize that something was taking over me.

I had an untamable and uncontrollable urge to stare at other girls.  At an
age in which most girls were in search for the boys' attention, I was
inexplicably hounded by a need to be in female company, so I could satisfy
my desire to stare at their anatomy.

Being no stranger to confusion, these abnormal urges came to me as no
surprise, 'here we go again!!......i am such a weirdo!!', I thought.

The funny thing is that as opposed to every other misdiagnose that I had
experienced in the past, my current condition was very simple to figure
out; I was a LESBIAN.

My already fragile internal condition together with this new found
discovery was mind blowing.  It simply took over me, I couldn't control
it, I was too weak a person, I had always been.  It made all my
insecurities resurface; it dominated me, almost like if I was possessed by
an evil spirit, the spirit of LESBIANISM.

At the age of 14 every girl knows what sex is. I had never really paid much
attention to it, with the exception of conversations Lisa and Megan had
about it, and I had no other choice but to listen and fake my
participation.

So of course I knew what a penis was, and I also knew what tits, pussy, and
ass were.  But for some reason the words PUSSY and ASS interested me much
more than any other sexual words.

My lesbian condition was peculiar in its own way. It created a fantasy
world that immersed me; it sent me into an universe that was ruled by women
and their bodies.

All I could think about was girls. I spent hours just staring at them. I
would sit in the gym pretending to cheer for the volleyball team, when in
reality I was only trying to quench my thirsty sickness. Yes I was sick;
only a sick 14 year old girl will sit and spend hours staring at other
girls in micro-shorts playing volleyball; what made it even worse was the
realization that I wasn't just staring at them, I was staring at their
thighs, their bouncy asses, and their sweaty genitals.  Yes I had spent so
much time doing this, that I noticed a lot of the girls in the team would
forfeit their underwear and just wear shorts (I am guessing the humidity),
making their perspiration puddle at the crotch of their shorts. I will find
myself craning my neck and getting in subtle but uncomfortable positions to
get better peeks of butt cheeks trying to spill out, or sometimes just
wishing one of the girls would face away from me so I could scan her body
comfortably.

I was living almost in a trance. At home I would hardly eat, and I will
sport a blank look all day.  At nights in bed I would be restless, my mind
reeling through an array of images; images of each and every female body I
saw during the day. I was definitely going crazy.  My night horrors
returned, but in a different way, they would be followed by nightmares; in
my nightmares I will be stranded in a desolate land, void of women. I was
in the verge of insanity.

What could I do?  I did not want to get my parents involved, specially
after the ordeal they went through during my earlier years, I didn't want
to bring any more grief to them.

What a big dilemma.....