Date: Wed, 28 Mar 2007 02:19:15 +0100
From: Jodie Owen <jodiesline@hotmail.co.uk>
Subject: Summer-camp-part 5

Disclaimer: Hey, you know the drill by now. My story, no stealing, it's a
series of TRUE events, with peoples names and appearances changed! If this
kind of thing offends you, clear off! (although not sure why you would have
gotten this far if lesbianism offends you). Right, behold, part 5! Feedback;
Jodiesline@hotmail.co.uk! You know you want to!!



    I flopped down onto the bed, feeling heavy and empty. My face felt dry
and stiff from the tears that had spoiled it just minutes ago. Sighing, I
looked bleakly around. Leanne's bedroom. But for how much longer? Could it
be, that this was the last time I should ever sit here, and gaze around her
messy, unorganized room? How could my life take such an awful turn of events
after having previously been so wonderful? I suppose it is true what they
say; all good things come to an end. But I didn't want it to come to an end!
Feeling myself becoming worked up, I dug my fingers deep into my eyes,
pushing until I began to see endless shapes and colours. It hurt, but I
found comfort in the pain. I inhaled deeply, taking in the luscious scent of
perfume, deoderant; the way a girls room was supposed to smell. I felt the
tears rising again, and stood up aggressively, striking the bed with my
fist. My despair had been replaced with a hot anger, anger at Leanne's
parents for taking her away, anger at myself for not being able to accept
this, anger at Leanne for not resisting harder against the wishes of her
parents. I just didn't know what to do with myself, I didn't know what to
feel, or what I should say to Leanne. Should I let her know that I was
unwilling to let her go, tell her that I would do everything within my power
to prevent us from being torn apart? Or, alternatively, should I try to make
it easier on her and tell her that no matter where she was in the world, I
would always love and support her, and despite missing her, wished her all
the best in her new life, even if it excluded me? The latter would be the
noble, selfless thing to do. But I wasn't sure what Leanne wanted to hear. I
knew she was devastated about leaving, but if she had already mentally
prepared herself for leaving, she wouldn't want me making it harder for her
to go. My train of thought crashed as I heard Leanne thudding up the stairs.
Within seconds, she was framed in the doorway, looking as composed and
elegant as always. She had a glow emitting from her, that seemed to warm my
soul, to comfort me without her having to even say a word.
    We regarded each other thoughtfully. Standing but just metres apart,
both of us were unable to move towards each other, because this small
distance represented the distance that would soon be wedged in between us
when she left. This was how it was going to be; in reality, just a small
distance apart, but still too far to be able to touch each other. But what
was to stop me visiting her? What was to stop me taking small steps towards
her, even just to be with her for a short while? With this in mind, I took a
step across the room towards her. Following my lead, she rushed forwards,
encasing me in her body, her arms pulling me tighter towards her. I rested
my chin on her shoulder, my tears dripping down onto her bare skin. I
planted kisses on her shoulder, tasting the salt of my tears on her. I heard
muffled sobs from Leanne as she nuzzled into my neck, clutching desperately
at me, her hands running over my face, my back, as though trying to imprint
in her mind, the way I felt to her hands.
    "This doesn't have to be the end," she whispered, softly. Her gentle
voice sent chills through my body, causing a sudden rush of emotion.
"We can make it through this! I could visit, you could come home to me over
the school holidays, and we could write, and call each other, and you'd be
fine. You would fit right in there, grow to like it, and that's all I want
for you, to be happy. You could be happy, I hope you are," I garbled,
fighting back  the lump in my throat. I had to remain strong, this was
harder for her than for me. She was the one who had to leave everything
behind. Her home, her friends, her family. And I was being selfish by simply
thinking about how I wouldn't survive without her. She needed me to guide
her, to be her rock, to tell her it was going to be all right when she was
in doubt. And that is what I was going to do, teach her not to be afraid,
open her up to the endless possibilities of her new life. Her happiness was
all that mattered, and I was prepared to sacrifice my own for that.
    "Do you know, I thought you were going to be angry with me. I thought we
would just break up there and then, I didn't realize you would be so amazing
to me. You give me so much confidence, and hope," Leanne whimpered.
    "I'm not angry. I know it isn't your fault. And I KNOW we will come out
of this together. It doesn't have to be forever. We'll be 18 soon; adults.
We will be able to drive, pay for our own journeys to see each other. It's
perfectly possible that this is just a minor snag in our relationship. But
we're stronger than that!" I gushed. Suddenly, a beam of hope had been shed
into the darkness of my mind, like a torch through the black of night.
Everything I was saying, to reassure Leanne, was true. Feeling elated, I
half laughed, half sobbed. Leanne giggled into my ear.
    "Of course. I don't know how I ever doubted you! You are so much more
than just my girlfriend. You're my everything! I want you to understand
that!"
Those simple words that were coming off her lips, they meant so much. I
truly heard what she was saying to me. Of course, I felt exactly the same.
And I wanted to tell her so. The words were on the tip of my tongue, I
wanted to tell her that she would be with me no matter where she was. She
was my happiness, and I could portray her through my smile, through my
actions, whenever I smiled, I would know it was her, giving me the strength.
But I just couldn't speak, and the words died on my lips. Instead, I could
only pull back from her and fall deep into her chocolate eyes. I could see a
thick shadow of sadness, clouding her eyes, but underneath that, there was
definitely hope. She wasn't giving up on this, on me. Suddenly, she smiled,
and it warmed me like sunshine. Of course no one could ruin this. It was
much too special to be taken away by the trivial problem of distance. It was
ridiculous to think that for a second! Instead of being sad, I should be
making the most of what time I had left. Making her smile like she just had,
making her final moments here, memorable, honorable. Moping around like this
was just creasing the memories. She had to look back and smile that we had
such a wonderful time, not look back and remember the darkness we both felt!
    Releasing Leanne, I took a step back.
    "When you're away, there's a few things we won't be able to do for a
quite a while. I'm thinking we should get as much of this as we can, to last
us," I said seriously, suppressing a smile.
"Is that so, Miss Owen? And what exactly did you have in mind?" She
questioned, curiously.
    I leant into her and kissed her lightly on the lips, a slow, tantalizing
kiss, barely pressing my lips against her own. Simultaneously, we gasped.
"Oh. I see," giggled Leanne. She ran her smooth fingertips down my forearm.
Simple, innocent movements, that got my blood pumping and my mind racing.
Feeling heavy with desire, I helplessly allowed her to lead me through to
the bathroom. Standing by the door, I watched with ascending interest as she
switched on the shower. Turning to face me, she caught my stare and casually
started to undress. I could feel the condensation from the hot water coming
to rest on my face, making me feel unnecessarily hot and sweaty. I watched
my love slipping her pyjama top over her head.  I could only watch in awe
as, eventually, she stood exposed in front of me.
    Her eyes locked on mine, she took a careful step backwards into the
shower. I stared, hungrily, as the torrents of hot water slid effortlessly
over her smooth body. She raised her arms above her head, tousling her hair
and letting the stream run over her face, washing away the tears and gloom
from earlier. She looked so refreshed, so alive. Consequently, I was feeling
alive, also. I stepped easily out of my clothes, and advanced towards the
shower. The sound of the running water mesmerized me as my eyes drank in the
glory of Leanne's body. She looked so delicious and I just wanted to devour
her. As I reached for her, she stepped back, slyly.
    "Let me touch you?" I pleaded, perplexed.
"Au contraire, mon amie," she said, cunningly. I frowned, wondering how long
she intended to keep up this torture. "Just watch," she breathed, kissing my
earlobe and tracing her fingertips around my belly button.
     Breathing heavily, I looked on as Leanne started to soap up her body,
her hands gliding over her skin. She would hesitate momentarily over her
breasts, her fingers swirling around her nipples. She had her eyes closed,
and I stared gormlessly as she took a sponge to her lathered body.
Sub-consciously, my own nimble hands worked their way down to my pleasure
centre. Leanne stepped back under the clear water and let the soap bubbles
fall away from her body. I watched the curtain of water dripping off her
body and suddenly she opened her eyes and, biting her lip, she stared right
at me. I couldn't hold back anymore. I took a quick step forward and pushed
her body back against the cool, wet tiles. Her back arched from the cold of
the tiles and she groaned erotically as our mouths met in passion. I touched
her silky body lightly, sinking my fingertips into her curves. Our wet,
slippy bodies writhed against each other as I tasted Leanne's mouth. The
smell of her soap, mixed with the now prominent smell of her arousal, was
intoxicating. I was feeling the usual sense of unsteadiness I felt when
locked in an embrace with Leanne. I opened my eyes slightly, to see Leanne's
face delicately scrunched up with a look of pure lust upon it. Her hands
were back against the tiles as I pushed into her. I didn't just want this to
be a lustful fuck, I wanted it to be something I would remember. Something I
could keep alive through the lonely times ahead. I rubbed my hand over her
stomach, and leaned down to kiss Leanne's collarbone, trying to savour the
taste of her clean, milky skin and the feel of her soft body. Leanne rested
her head back against the tiles, her jaw slack and open as she frowned in
concentration. I sucked on her neck, receiving grateful moans from my lover,
and cupped her perfect breast in my hand. Her hard nipple pressed into the
palm of my hand and I took the delight of sucking her nipple into my mouth.
I took my time, caressing it with my tongue as my hands skimmed all over
body, momentarily tracing her thighs, before cupping her other breast again.
Leanne opened her legs, invitingly, and I trailed my fingers along her inner
thigh, making her wait more.
    Leanne was making soft, deep groans of gratification, her eyes tight
shut with anticipation. She looked so sexy, but I couldn't let myself go
yet, I wanted to tease her further. My own clit was pulsing and I was
wondering how much the both of us could take. I had been tickling Leanne's
thigh, and decided it was time to give her a bit of relief. I pushed lightly
against her labia, not letting my finger slip inside. I continued this
rhythm for a bit longer, pushing towards her hole but pulling back right
before my fingers entered her. I earned numerous moans of passion from
Leanne as she repeatedly ran her fingers through her hair. Her pussy was
starting to respond to my teasing, and it was becoming harder to prevent my
fingers sliding the whole way in, the wetter she got. Finally, my want to
taste her was too strong, and I knelt down in front of her, looking up at
her.
    "Do you want it now?" I asked, pleased that the tables had turned and it
was now myself who was torturing her.
"Yes," she said, breathlessly, her eyes still tight shut.
    I tickled the outer edge of her pussy with the tip of my tongue, acting
as though I planned to thrust my tongue inside, but by no means did I have
any intention of doing that just yet. I wanted to make her squirm more.
Leanne was starting to drip, down onto my tongue and into my mouth. I
smiled, preserving the taste in my mouth. I rolled my tongue over he
clitoris, causing it to grow larger and harder, and gently, I placed my
mouth over it, my chin pushing into her soaked pussy. After that, Leanne
didn't last much longer at all. Right before she started to convulse, I
thrust a couple of fingers inside her and rubbed furiously on her g-spot,
bringing her to a raging orgasm. Her walls clamped down hard on my fingers
and her screams echoed around the small shower. With both of us breathing
hard, I stood back up and hugged her under now cool water. We stood like
that for a while, leaning into each other, Leanne gently sucking on my neck,
until we heard a car pull into the drive. We leapt out of the shower and
sprinted to her bedroom, our clothes on back to front.
    "Leanne?" a womanly voice called up the stairs. "Are you girls up
there?" It was Allison, her Mum.
"Yeah? What is it, Mum?" Leanne replied, innocently, trying to ignore the
fact that I was cupping her crotch from behind.
    "I need to take Jodie home, now! I have stuff to do later!" she replied,
matter-of-factly.
"All right," Leanne said, coldly. Now, she turned to me. Her hair was
dripping wet, hanging around her shoulders, and the t-shirt she had quickly
pulled on now had damp patches all over it. She still looked adorable.
    "Will I see you before you go?" I asked, hopefully, wrapping my arms
around her waist. I felt dread in the pit of my stomach.
"I, I don't know, Jodes. I'm supposed to be starting at my new school at the
end of the holidays. I will try to come and say goodbye, first. No, no I
promise I will," she said, solemnly. I stared at her beautiful face.
    "I love you, so much," I sighed, hugging her close.
"Leanne!! NOW!" Her Mum yelled. Tears began to fall freely from her eyes,
splattering her still flushed cheeks. Watching her cry broke my heart.
    "I love you too," she sobbed, her voice not lacking in emotion. We
embraced, tightly, both of us inhaling wildly to remember the way the other
girl smelled. I touched her clear face, running my thumbs across her
jawline, and kissed her lovingly on the lips. I could taste her tears where
they had died on her lips.
    "Come on, this isn't the last time I'll see you. I'll be over at yours
to say goodbye very soon," she sniffed, reassuring me. It was taking all my
effort to repress my sobs as we went downstairs, Leanne clasping my hand.
Allison appeared, her dark red hair curled perfectly and held away from her
face with a hair clip.
    "Hello, Jodie love, are you ready?" Allison asked, casting a questioning
eye over our clasped hands and tear stained faces.
"Yep," I said, as cheerfully as I could. Leanne winced visibly and we piled
into the car. The whole journey home was in silence, all three of our
troubled minds working over-time. Leanne and I desperately clinging to hope
that this wasn't the end, devising plans to see each in our heads and trying
to think of the right words to say to each other to portray our true
feelings. Allison, however, was clearly daunted by the fact of having a gay
daughter. We figured she must have guessed, but now she had witnessed our
small gestures of affection, it had hit home. It didn't appear to be a
problem, she just looked as though she would need some time mull it over.
And anyway, it didn't matter either way, because she was taking Leanne away
from me. And for that, I hated her.



***************************************************************************************************

    The next morning, I awoke in my own bed, staring blankly at the ceiling.
I'd hoped that it would be the previous day, and I would have awoken in
Leanne's bed, dreadfully hungover, and the whole thing would be some
horrible nightmare. But it wasn't. Sleepily, I rolled out of bed and padded
over to my full length mirror, giving myself the once-over. My blonde hair
was untidy and hung limply around my pale face. I hadn't gotten much sleep
last night. I moved closer, examining the dark circles underneath my eyes,
and noticed, fondly, the red marks that Leanne had left on my neck. I was
going to have to wear a scarf for a few days! I tugged off my oversized
t-shirt off, and wandered over to the bathroom in my pyjama shorts. Looking
out of the window, I noticed that it was cloudy and raining, the large
raindrops hitting the ground and splashing into surrounding puddles. Good.
It matched my shadowy mood. I sighed, and rubbed my eyes, irritated. Leaning
back against the bathroom door, I looked over at the shelf. A purple
toothbrush lay there. I felt an uncomfortable twinge in my stomach; Leanne's
toothbrush. Angrily, I threw my head back against the door, crying out in
pain and frustration.
    "Jodie,  love? Are you okay in there?" My Mum. Trust my Mum. Always
knows when something is wrong. Even if I hadn't made a sound I was certain
she would have asked me anyway. This was because I normally put a CD on when
I woke up, turning the volume up until it blasted out of the speakers. This
morning, though, I hadn't felt like it. I wasn't about to tell my Mum what
was wrong, but I was grateful for her concern all the same.
    "Yeah, Mum, I'm fine. I'll be out in a bit," I said, weakly. My attempts
to sound confident diminished like water in cupped hands. Mum didn't reply
instantly. I could almost hear her brain working on the other side of the
door. Trying to think of the "motherly" thing to say. She would normally
launch into her speech about how a girls mother was her best friend, and
that I should never hesitate to share my burdens. But this time, I think she
could sense that this wasn't appropriate.
    "Okay. I'll make you some breakfast for when you come down," she
replied. I tried to say thankyou, but I was afraid that if I opened my mouth
I would burst into incontrollable, endless sobs. So alternatively, I just
squeaked. I stood stationary against the door until I heard my Mum descend
the stairs, and only then did my shoulders slump, and I collapsed into a
crying heap on the floor. I felt totally alone, and lost. I couldn't
remember ever having felt this broken before. But I absolutely had to get
through this, for Leanne, it's imperative. With this in my mind, I clawed my
way back to my feet and climbed, sluggishly, into the shower.
    I continued in this manner for the next few days, and starting back at
school was the worst. Last summer, I'd known that Leanne and I were just
beginning, and I was curious to the possibilities it offered. Now, I knew
that Leanne and I were on the verge of finishing, and so much sooner than I
had expected. I hadn't smiled for days, and my friends were beginning to
avoid me. I knew I needed to lighten up, but I just couldn't drag myself out
of this abyss of despair. The only person I confided in, was Rachel. She
knew what I was going through and didn't try to get me to talk about it, as
my other friends persisted in doing. Rachel just kept whispering that she
was there for me, and that things would certainly improve. I had refrained
from contacting Leanne, because I didn't want to make it any tougher for
either of us. We had to become accustomed to not speaking to each other over
periods of time, as that would be inevitable. There was no harm in sending a
text, however, except that I simply couldn't find the words to say to her on
just a page of text. Finally, after what seemed like weeks, but in actual
fact had only been five days, my phone rang. I didn't move quickly to answer
it, as I expected it to be one of my interfering friends, who would try to
trick me into telling them what was wrong. I was aware that this wasn't fair
on them, that they were only trying to help, but I was feeling self absorbed
and angry at everyone. To my surprise, however, the name on the screen read,
"Leanne calling." In my desperation to answer the phone, I fumbled with the
buttons and accidentally dropped it on the floor.
    "No!" I screamed in frustration but luckily still managed to answer the
phone in time.
"Hello?" I said, breathlessly.
    "Jodie," retorted the warm voice on the other end. It was so soothing to
my shaking nerves. I could have melted into the phone there and then.
"Hi, baby," I whispered hoarsely.
    "Jodie, I'm leaving in two days. Tomorrow, can I come and say goodbye?
Please," Leanne said, monotonously. She sounded hollow and sad.
"Two...two days? That's so soon," I said, stunned. "Of course you can come
and say goodbye, Leanne." In truth, I was numb with shock. This had just
became very, very real. It wasn't just something I was dreading anymore, it
was something that was practically upon me. Tomorrow could be the last time
I saw her for months. I was so afraid.
    "I'm not going to make this any harder, Jodes, I know we can't express
ourselves over the telephone, so I'm going to go now. And tomorrow, i'll be
able to hold you while I say goodbye, instead of being connected by stupid
telephone wires." she spat, angry at herself. I understood, perfectly.
Speaking over the phone was much too painful.
    "Understandable. That's fine. I can't wait to see you, Leanne," I choked
out, swallowing my urge to release everything I wanted to say that had been
building up. I had to wait until tomorrow, when I could look into her eyes
and say it.
    "Bye, Jodie," she sighed, and then there was a click. She was gone. I
wasn't upset that she had been so short with me. I knew the reason, I knew
she didn't want to upset herself now aswell as tomorrow. It was altogether
easier on the soul to just have a heart to heart then, not on the phone. It
just wasn't necessary. I switched off my bedroom light, stumbled over to my
bed in the dark, and landed face down on my mattress. I was anxious beyond
belief, so much so that I felt I could throw up. I just wanted to get to
sleep and have tomorrow come around as soon as possible.
    The next day, school was a blur. I spent the day fighting back my desire
to throw up from worry. And finally, when the bell rang for last lesson, I
ran the whole way home to prepare myself for what was to come. Leanne said
she would be over at around 4pm, the time was now 3:30. I sat infront the
bathroom mirror, studying my terrified reflection. I wished I didn't have to
go through this. With clammy hands, I leaned forward and splashed my face
with freezing cold water. I had to at least look good for her, I realised.
Grabbing my make-up, I applied the necessary and brushed my hair back,
hoping I would look somewhat acceptable. I really didn't know what we were
going to do. There were ten different ways to enjoy our time together. Ten
different ways to say goodbye... Finally, I heard the doorbell ring.
    "I'LL GET IT!!" I bellowed, thundering down the stairs. Feeling
unsteady, I took a moment to stable myself infront of the door. I breathed
hard, checked my reflection, and whipped open the door, my attempted smile
crumbling as I saw her there. She was wearing a simple pair of fitting
jeans, converse, and a white blouse that was ubuttonned over a dark green
vest. She half heartedly smiled, and stepped inside. I wasted no time in
picking her up and twirling her around.
    "You look beautiful, as always," I praised, nuzzled her neck. "What's
the plan then, are you staying for the rest of the day?"
"Until tonight, my Mum is shopping around town with a friend, she's buying
stuff for the...new house," Leanne said, quietly. Sucking up my selfishness,
I decided I should make this as painless as possible for her.
    "Is the house nice then?" I quizzed, taking her small hand and taking
her up to my bedroom, so we could speak properly.
"Uhh, it's okay, I guess. I prefer my house, of course," She said,
awkwardly. Glancing at her feet. The tension between us was suddenly
unbearable. It lay heavily between us, like a smog, of everything we needed
to say to one another. She started to silently cry, tears that were afraid
of the facts.
    "Hey, come on, don't cry. There's nothing to cry over. We are going to
make it, we are," I assured her. I had let any doubts in my mind flutter
away, intent on believing what I was saying.
She nodded, slowly, and sat down on my bed. There was a few moments of
silence, in which my mind searched hastily for something appropriate to say.
    "What do you want to do then, baby?" I cooed, quietly.
"I brought a film we can watch. You'd want to watch it!" she said, suddenly
mischievous.
    I feigned thinking, but I knew exactly what film she'd have brought with
her on this occasion. It was both of our favourite film, for
self-explanatory reasons. We had watched it together the first time Leanne
had ever stayed here, and both taken an immediate liking to it.
    "Hmm," I exclaimed, rubbing my chin, "I have this sneaking suspicion
that it could be, 'Bring It On'!"
"Got it in one! Come on, stick it on," Leanne said happily, thrusting the
film case at me.
     The mood between us had suddenly lifted, like sunshine through clouds.
Feeling a hell of alot better, I put the film on and threw myself onto the
bed next to Leanne. She folded into me, resting her head in between my neck
and my shoulder. I wrapped my arms tight around her, and entwined my legs
with hers and she sighed, quietly. We spoke throughout most of the film,
saying which cheerleader we thought was hot, and how we were glad we weren't
Americans 'cause we'd never be seen dead in those cheerleading outfits! But
as well as our playful chatter, we spoke a little about some of the times
we'd had together; the first time we ever kissed at camp, the way I'd been
too infatuated with Adrienne to see the wonders right infront of me all
along. Both of us re-created the summer afternoons we'd spent, lying on our
backs on the grass at the park, laughing at the most ridiculous things, or
even crying over stupid fights we'd had with family members and friends. We
thought about the nights we spent sitting up late, getting to know each
other, asking each questions from our favourite flower to our most intimate
secret. And neither of us had hesitated, or held back, cause we'd both felt
that unspoken bond of trust joining us. As we reminiscied, I started to
become a little sad; and Leanne could tell from the tone of my voice. She
turned my face around to look at me, and I thought of all the memories that
I'd seen reflected in her eyes.
    "That's just the past, all this time, we've been talking about what has
been, but what about what's still to come? All the things we're going to get
to do in the future; stay with each other for days at a time, I could show
you around France, tell you about my new friends, my new school, you could
meet the people I knew, and I'd tell them you were my girlfriend, and I'd
show you off to the world," she announced, seriously.
    What she'd said had stunned me. She would tell everyone I was her
girlfriend? She would bite back her fears, and tell everyone? I was touched
by the suggestion, and I was grinning happily at her as I surveyed her face.
    "You're right! This isn't the the beginning of the end; this is just the
end of the beginning! There's still so much more to come; so much more to
explore...as a couple, together." I was feeling elated at my revelation.
    "Exactly. Don't be afraid!" she told me. I stroked her face, and pulled
her lips to mine. The familiar touch of her lips made me feel warm, and
safe. When I felt her like this, I knew that nothing could come between
that. And yet, I still couldn't laugh, or fully enjoy my time with her,
because in the pit of my stomach, I felt bad that she wasn't going to be
here much longer. My knowledge of the move had tainted our last moments
together, and I found myself wishing that perhaps she hadn't told me until
today.
    The two of us moped around for the rest of the day, staying close to one
another, neither of us had the energy to do anything else. We just organised
plans for keeping in touch; we would write each other once a week, unless we
were too busy, but we had both agreed that once a week was not much to ask
at all. We were going to phone each other when things got really hard, but
not make a habit out of it; because of the cost of the phonecalls, and the
fact that hearing each others voices would only make it tougher. I took
numerous photos of her; her eyes, her smile. But mostly, I wanted to
remember her eyes; the colour of deep, brown, swirling chocolate, and the
infinite warmth they carried in them. I had only ever once seen her eyes
lacking in this comfort, and that was the day she had stumbled upon the
scene with Hannah and I. I never wanted to see that cold look again. Leanne
also sprayed one of my soft toys with her perfume, and told me to hold it
when I needed her. I agreed sincerely. All too soon, the time for Leanne to
leave was suddenly upon me. I remember hearing the sound of her Mum's car
outside, and feeling so frightened. I felt like a small, lost child. I could
feel the panic rising in me as Leanne and I exchanged crippled glances. My
hands started to shake, and I began to feel light-headed. But it wasn't the
usual effect Leanne had on me, it was a much more sinister darkness that was
threatening to pull me off my feet. I struggled to stay conscious, because I
absolutely had to see her go. Leanne was standing infront of me, her hands
gripping my arms to support my weight.
    "Baby, please, look at me, please, Jodie!" Leanne looked terrified, and
drew my face up to hers. She kissed me hard on the lips, desperately,
hopelessly. The kiss was not a product of love, but one of fear and
desolation. The kiss jerked me out of my daze, and I threw my arms around
Leanne. I hugged her so tight that my ribs started to ache, and as much as I
tried to refrain them, the tears began to escape once more. As her Mum grew
more agitated at the door, Leanne and I grew more petrified of what was
happening. I knew I had to let go, my arms were starting to burn with the
effort of holding her so tight. Reluctantly, I released her, and stepped
back to look into her eyes. Remember, I told myself. I notified her smell
and her touch and I locked them away at the back of my head, to be recalled
whenever I wanted.
    "This isn't over for us," Leanne spoke softly. Her eyes were glistening,
her lip trembling. All I could do was nod speechlessly, as I reached out one
last time to kiss her lips. I frowned in concentration as I imprinted this,
too, in my mind.
    "I love you. You know that, don't you??" I said, urgently.
    "Of course. I will always know that. And, Jodie, I love you. So much, I
would die for you," she whispered, soberly. She began to step away from me,
swinging her bag carelessly over her shoulder, fumbling for the door handle.
When she finally opened the door, she turned around one last time. She
didn't speak, her eyes carried her message to me perfectly. I waved,
pathetically, and forced a smile. And then, in a moment, she was gone. The
front door separated us with a gentle click, and that was it. I couldn't
even cry. I felt the shadows of darkness once more approaching me, and then
there was nothing.
    When I came round, I was lying on the cold tiles on the kitchen floor
with a pillow underneath my legs. My Mum was dithering around the kitchen,
moving pots and pans, and carefully avoiding me on the floor. I groaned as
the pain in my head struck me.
    "Jodie? Can you hear me? You passed out. I thought it best not to move
you," My Mum murmured, making sympathetic clucking noises at me.
    "I'm fine, now," I muttered, distractedly. I found my bearing as hoisted
myself off the ground, leaning my sore head against the cool wall. My
stomach felt sick and nervous and I was extremely anxious, but I couldn't
pinpoint why.
    "Did Leanne go?" Mother asked, innocently.
Crap. My stomach lurched. Everything came flooding back in a myriad of
images and I dashed to the toilet, throwing up. Now, I remembered. I knelt
there, panting, wondering what the fuck I was going to do with myself now.
    "Jodie? Are you ill?"
    "No, Mum, I'm fine. You know I get sick after I pass out, I guess I just
haven't eaten enough, okay," I snapped, defensively. Mum pottered away,
looking bothered and concerned, as usual. Of course, she had no idea why I
was so devastated. She knew that Leanne was leaving, but she still had not
been made aware of our status. Therefore, inevitably, she couldn't begin to
understand my heartbreak. I dragged myself upstairs that day, and crawled
into bed. I stayed there for almost two whole days, suffocating in my pit of
misery, surrounded by mountains of tissues, before my Mum finally put a stop
to it. She ripped away my bed covers, chucked a cup of cold water at me and
told me to get out of the house and do something. Being a Mother, she was as
understanding as she could be, because she could tell that something was not
right. But, she didn't press the matter, which I was grateful for. I
probably could have quite easily broken down into hysterical sobbing and
recited the whole episode of what happened to her, but for that to happen,
she would have to ask. For now, I was sitting unsteadily on my sorrow, just
managing to keep it all together. It would only take a mother's concern to
drag all that down, though.
    By now, the weekend had came back around, and I decided to take my Mum's
advice, and get the hell out of there. I called up some friends, you know,
the ones that had been forgotten about all this time I'd been too occupied
with Leanne. Now, they were surprised to hear from me, but pleased all the
same. We organised to go into town, to a club we knew we would get into. We
had only done this a few times before, but Kelly knew the guys that worked
on the door on a Saturday night, so it wasn't going to be a problem. While I
was getting ready, I made a mental note not to think of Leanne, to enjoy
myself and have a good time. Why did my life have to stop just because
Leanne had moved? I put on one of my heaviest rock CD's and danced around my
room, selecting various items of clothing out of my wardrobe. I didn't want
to dress like a slut, but I wanted to show off my assets a bit. Prove to
myself that it was Leanne missing out. I don't know why, but I felt
resentful at her now. I almost felt like the only reason I was going out,
was to spite her, and although she had no idea of what I was doing, it made
me feel kind of smug. About 30 minutes before I went out, I started to feel
anxious. This was the first time I'd been out with these girls in a long
time, when I'd met Leanne, I'd stopped seeing them. And now, I wasn't sure
what to expect, or what would come of this. On top of that, I rarely went
out without Leanne, anyway. I'd become accustomed to it just being the two
of us, with maybe one of her friends down her end, or one of mine up here.
But no Leanne this time, I was walking on my own two feet, and I felt like a
child walking for the first time without her parents clinging to her
shoulders. This both frightened and exhilerated me, and the only way, I
felt, to calm this bubbling feeling in my stomach, was to drink. I grabbed
the vodka off the top of the cupboard where my parents kept it, and swigged
straight from the bottle. I shuddered and took another drink, until I
started to feel at ease. The I replaced the bottle, grabbed my keys and
stepped swiftly out of the door, clicking it shut behind me. The cool night
air hit my face, and I breathed in, feeling a sense of liberation. Bringing
my jacket tighter around me, I headed for Kelly's. We were going to catch
the bus and meet Johnno, Amy and Finlay, then walk to "DNA."
I got to Kelly's about four minutes later, and let myself through the front
door. Her house smelled of tobacco, disguised by the sickly aroma of scented
candles.
    "KELLY!" I shouted up the stairs.
    "Coming, sweetie!" Kelly replied, trampling noisily down the stairs.
"Wow, it's great to see you properly again, Jodes. We're going to get
totally sloshed and have a good time, okay?"
I thought about this. Kelly sounded reassuring, and I was uncertain as to
how she'd discovered that something was up. I wondered if Rachel had let
slip that I was feeling a bit low, right now?
    "Yep. I can't wait to see the others. Are you sure we'll get into this
place?" I pondered.
    "Yeah, it's fine, I've got it covered. I sure hope you're ready for the
hangover of a lifetime, girl," she winked.
    "Whatever you say, Kel!" I giggled, and we left the house, chatting and
generally catching up on what we'd missed. Kelly was a great looking girl.
She had pale, creamy skin, with dark brown curls that fell just below her
shoulders. She had deliciously dark eyes which were framed by long, luscious
eyelashes. She wore a single, silver chain and it rested elegantly on her
collarbone. Admittedly, I did like her, but there was no way I could act on
that. I would stay faithful to Leanne so long as she held the title,
"girlfriend," and currently, she still did.
    The bus journey was bumpy and noisy and I was restless, constantly
adjusting myself in my seat and tapping my foot. Kelly watching me with
curiosity.
    "So what's going on then, Jodie?" She speculated, her voice soft.
Damn. Busted. She clearly knew something was up. I guess the fact that I'd
called after so long could have been enough, but I suspected Rachel saying
something, somewhere along the line. I didn't for a minute think that Rachel
would have specified what exactly was bothering me, but I supposed she felt
they deserved some kind of explanation as I had been in a killer mood over
the past few days. I fumbled around for a way to compose my answer without
giving away that my lesbian girlfriend had moved to France and left me here,
alone.
    "Nothing really, I've just, sort of, lost a good friend of mine. It was
totally unexpected. I just wanted to cheer myself up abit, I guess," I said,
as convincingly as I could. It wasn't so much as a lie, I'd just modified
the truth.
    Kelly nodded empathetically and touched my knee.
    "Well don't worry, you're gonna forget about that now, okay? I promise
you'll have a good time," she said, knowingly.
    By the time the bus arrived in town, it was about 10.15pm, but I knew
our fun was just beginning. Amy met us straight from the bus stop, and the
boys, Johnno and Finlay, came soon after. Finlay was tall with dark ginger
hair. He was bounding around like an excited puppy infront of us, as we made
our way through the streets to DNA. Johnno was around my height, with spikey
blonde hair and a skinny body. He was quiet and mysterious and alot of the
time, looked spaced out. I always assumed him to be on drugs, judging by the
way he acted. Amy fit in with them, as she was slightly boyish, with short,
died red hair and a tomboy dress style. She spent more time around those two
than her female friends. It began when she had been seeing Johnno, and they
had all hung out together, as Finlay was Johnno's best friend. But after
that had ended, the three of them still stayed as close friends. We laughed
our way down to the club, the streets were alive with the Saturday night
vibe, and I was feeling positive. People were spilling out of bars, singing,
laughing, clutching each other as they hobbled towards taxi's. We walked
past a loud club that was exerting lively trance music, and I observed as
two girls, around my age, were told to come back in two years, as they tried
to get in. I chuckled, knowing we wouldn't have to face that embarassment.
    Finally, we reached our destination; DNA. The two guys on the door were
about the same height as Finlay, with bigger builds. Kelly approached them
and we watched from a distance as she spoke emphatically, gesturing behind
her at the group of us. The bouncer nodded, and the both of them stepped
aside, looking away from us as we stepped past them. I felt a surge of
excitement as I walked in, the sound of people and music growing ever
louder. We trod down a corridor with red, shabby carpet. The walls were
lined with posters advertising various entertainment nights. Eventually, we
turned a corner and the corridor gave way to a dark room, flashing with
flourescent light, that was overflowing with people who were dancing at an
extremely close proximity. I remembered the first time I'd came here, I
hadn't even realised that such a place as this existed around here, and now,
that same old feeling was creeping back to me. Everybody was moving in time
to the strong bass of the music, glasses spilling drinks in their hands,
their bodies wrapped around the nearest person. Everybody looked off their
face in some way, either stoned or just plain wasted. I didn't even know the
remix that was playing, but already I wanted to dance. I looked around at
Kelly, grabbed her wrist and barged into the crowd, pushing through the
sweaty bodies to get to the bar. Kelly grabbed hold of Finlay, who in turn
held Amy, who had Johnno behind her. We ordered drinks, and shouted
conversation at each other above the music. I didn't mind this environment
at all.
     After downing two or three drinks at the bar, I dragged Kelly off to
dance. I felt great at that moment, I had alcohol in my system and I was
dancing right next to Kelly in a place I could barely hear myself think. I
remember feeling triumphant that I didn't need Leanne to have a good time,
but as soon as that thought crossed my mind, I began to feel a slithering
sensation of guilt. What was I doing? It wasn't Leanne's fault that she'd
moved away. She'd been sad, too, remember. And I was acting as though she'd
left me purposefully. Sure, it was good that I was having a good time
instead of letting my life come to a stand still, but there was no need for
the way I was thinking. I took a few steps back from Kelly, cautiously, and
all the resentment I'd felt for Leanne suddenly fell away, and was replaced
with a growing sadness. Of course I still missed her. But she would have
WANTED me to have a good time. At that, I cheered up. Grinning to myself, I
continued to dance around, until I noticed Johnno loping up to us, flanked
by Finlay and Amy.
    "You guys want some shit?" Johnno boomed into my ear.
     I frowned for a moment, confused. Kelly was nodding vigourously, and
looked at me for an answer. I looked at Johnno, puzzled, and he gestured
subtely to his right hand. In it, he held a transparent packet of white
powder. It was unmistakable what it contained. I felt the bottom of my
stomach drop out and I kicked myself, mentally. Of COURSE that's what they'd
wanted to do. They were teenagers in an environment where everybody was
doing this, where it was easy. That's what Kelly had meant when she'd said
she promised I'd have a good time. I looked around, indecisively. Should I?
i mean, it wasn't like I was going to turn into a cokehead, was it? Just the
once, just for a good time, wouldn't do any harm. And it would help to take
my mind off Leanne. Also, I was surrounded by my friends, whom I trusted,
so, nervously, I agreed. the rest of the group nodded in affirmation, and we
made our way over to the toilets. Johnno produced another packet and slipped
it to Kelly.
    "Come on, follow me," Kelly said, walking into the ladies toilets.
Johnno and Finlay disappeared into the mens, and to my surprise Amy went in
with the guys. There were so many people dancing around the toilets, anyway,
that it wouldn't have looked at all obvious what Johnno had just given us. I
followed Kelly into the toilets, feeling tense. She was waiting for me, by
one of the cubicles.
    "Kel, I didn't know you were into this," I muttered, uncertainly.
    "I'm not "into this," i've only done it twice before. It's okay, Jodes.
We'll all look after each other. Ease up, really. As long as you stay in the
club and then go straight home, you'll be fine, I swear,"Kelly assured me.
      She had a way of making me believe her, whatever she said. I nodded,
hesitantly. Kelly squeezed my shoulder, and we pushed into the small
cubicle. I watched with interest, as Kelly lay the white powder out along
the top of the toilet. A strengthened sense of foreboding was telling me to
leave, as was my common sense, but my stubbornness kept my feet firmly where
I was standing. My hands felt clammy and cold as I leant back against the
wall, trying to control my breathing. I felt so nervous, I needed to pee.
The smell of the toilets was suffocating, and I felt extremely hot. All I
could hear was the bass line, coming from inside the club, and the sound of
people coming in and leaving the toilets. I prayed they wouldn't find us
here. Kelly bent, and I heard her sniff. Then she straightened up, rubbing
her nose. She motioned at the remains of the powder, and I took a deep
breath, steeling myself. It's okay, I told myself. Just the once, never
again. I wasn't ready, but I did it anyway. It reminded me of when I was
smaller, and I'd once snorted sherbert, as a dare. But, this time, it was
much more serious. Before I could mull over it anymore, I snorted the
powder. It felt unlike anything, leaving my nose feeling numb when I
straightened up. I stared at Kelly, knowing that the effects were about to
kick in. The two of us stood there, in silence, watching each other.
     I realised I was shaking, after a while, and I was aware that I was
sweating an awful lot, and I was breathing even more furiously than I had
been before. But, I didn't care. I felt great. The nerves in my stomach had
uncoiled, and I felt much more relaxed. I couldn't understand why I'd been
so worried about this. It felt awesome to me. I could see It effecting
Kelly, in the same ways. She was adjusting the buttons on her blouse,
grinning stupidly at me. I felt myself laugh, but it didn't sound like me,
at all.
    "Come on, let's go," I giggled. Kelly surveryed the toilet, and we both
noticed that there was still some of the white powder left. Kelly licked her
index finger and collected the powder.
    "Here, open your mouth," she insisted. I did as instructed, and Kelly
began to dab the powder into my gums. It tasted bitter and I couldn't feel
my gums after that. I felt incredibly active, and all I wanted to do was go
out and dance, and be loud. Laughing, we both left the toilets and ran
straight back into the club. The music made me feel alive, as though as I
could do anything I liked. It was pumping through my body, forcing it to
dance as though it had a mind of its own. I felt absolutely ecstatic, and I
closed my eyes and tipped back my head as I danced. Now, I knew what was
wrong with all those people when I'd first came in. Kelly grabbed my hips
and a bolt of electricity rushed through me. I groaned to myself, praying
she would let go before I lost control. I could feel the slightest touch on
my body, and when somebody brushed past me, resting their hand on my bare
shoulder, it felt amazing. I wanted to run about, but there wasn't enough
room, so I just danced as wildly as I could with all the people around me.
People were patting me on the back and various others, who I'd never even
seen before in my life, were dancing with me. I wanted to talk to them all,
find out their names, but I couldn't even hear them. I felt like I could
just talk to anybody. This feeling went on for what felt like forever, the
music washing over me. I was so hot, my hair was stuck to my face. I
realised I was extremely thirsty and I looked around for Kelly. She was a
little way away from me, doing the same as I what I imagined I'd been doing.
    "KELLY!" I yelled.
    "YEAH?"
    "I NEED A DRINK. WATER," I gasped. My throat felt dry and swollen as I
swallowed. We went to the bar and Kelly asked for two bottles of water. We
downed them and grinned at each other again.
    "How do  you like it?" she asked, slyly.
    "It's great, Kelly! I feel so much better!" I exclaimed.
    "I knew you would, babe!"
We danced for a while longer, and I felt wide awake, as though I could stay
here dancing all night. But soon after, Kelly came to find me.
    "We're heading off now!" she told me, and I followed. I was starting to
come down now, and I was missing Leanne worse than ever. We said goodbye to
Amy, Johnno and Finlay, who walked off down the street, talking and laughing
loudly. Kelly and I got on the bus, the plan was that I stayed at hers for
the night as her parents weren't there.
    "Fuck that shit, Kelly, we shouldn't have done that," I declared, angry
at myself.
    "It's okay, Jodie, you'll be fine," Kelly replied. We got to her house
and the whole way back, I was wide awake, staring around. I still felt as
though I could run, but I was also regretting what I'd just done. It had
felt good at the time, but I knew, from what I'd heard, that there would be
a hell of a come down. I couldn't believe I'd done it. I'd actually done
coke. And I wasn't proud of it, I felt like an idiot now. I didn't sleep the
whole night at Kelly's. Neither of us did. I tried and tried, but I still
felt restless and sleep just wasn't coming. I'd never gone a whole night
without sleeping before, but this was the first time. Kelly and I spoke idly
throughout the night, but mostly we just lay, reeling. I felt depressed, and
I wanted to cry and phone up Leanne. I wanted to hear her beautiful voice,
comforting me, but it was my fault I felt this way.
    Eventually, morning came around, and one of the first things I did was
puke up in Kelly's bathroom. That was the alcohol putting in an appearance.
I now felt tired, absolutely shattered, but I couldn't fall asleep. It felt
like string were holding up my eye lids. I spent almost the whole day at
Kelly's like that, feeling depressed and tired. But when it started to get
dark, I knew I had to get home. I kissed Kelly goodbye, thanked her, and
left. I don't know how I made it home, all I wanted to do was collapse onto
the pavement. I let myself in, and cursed under my breath as I ran straight
into my mum.
    "Did you have a nice night, love?" She asked, cheerily. "Jodie, you look
pale! Didn't get much sleep?" She joked. Her perkiness made me cringe,
inwardly.
    "You have no idea," I whispered, dryly.
     She didn't hear me, and I barged past her into my room.I got a shock
when I looked in the mirror. My face was paper white and I had dark circles
underneath my eyes. As I observed myself, I realised this is what I'd been
reduced to. But I felt too low to do anything about it right now. Wearily, I
took a cold shower and stood with my eyes closed, letting the water cascade
over my face and cleanse the sweat from my body. I sighed into the water and
wondered how I was going to get by this. This what definitely not the road
to go down, and yet i'd felt so good yesterday. The coke had helped me to
forget all of my troubles, if only temporarily, but I was grateful for that,
regardless. Fleetingly, I wondered if Johnno had anymore, but then I
realised what the hell I was thinking about and stepped quickly out of the
shower. I made my way back into my room, ruffling my hair with a towel and
carelessly turning my stereo on. Instinctively, I checked my phone. I didn't
expect to see anything there, but to my surprise, there was a text message.
With shaking hands, I picked up my phone and read. It was from Leanne;

    "Hey j, hope you are doin gd. I miss you. my new school isnt gr8. I
really hope to see you soon, hope ur coping better than me. I love you. x"


   I didn't know how I felt. I was feeling a mixture of happiness, that she
missed me, that she wasn't having such a wonderful time, but it was swirling
around with a feeling of great anguish, that she wanted to be back here, and
was probably feeling incredibly low and alone. I quickly punched in Leanne's
number, but hesitated before I brought it to my ear. Should I call?
Shouldn't I? No, talking would only make the pain greater. Instead, I texted
back, saying that I loved her and that in reality, it wasn't that long until
we saw each other. But to be truthful, I was fooling only myself. Our
relationship was being stretched more than I'd, naively, thought it would
have been. Dread sat in my stomach like a rock at the bottom of a pool, and
somehow, I couldn't see it being lifted. I spent the next few weeks in a
similar fashion, going out and partying with Kelly and the guys, getting
drunk and spewing, and generally having what I thought was a "good time."
But truthfully, I didn't really enjoy it all that much. I was just hoping
for a distraction, and that's what I was getting.
    Finally, half term rolled around and Leanne had arranged for me to go
and visit her. The journey to the airport was slow and I felt sick, from
nerves and motion sickness. I busied myself by counting the lamposts that we
passed, and the white lines on the road. After a two hour drive, we arrived
and after helping me to check-in, my parents went off to find somewhere to
buy coffee. I felt strange, I didn't understand why I was nervous, this was
Leanne, my Leanne, what was there to be nervous about? I stood infront of
the big, glass window and watched several planes zooming up the runway to
take off. I was going to be flying alone, but that didn't bother me as I
didn't much feel like talking, anyway. When it was time to board, I suddenly
felt extremely homesick. I hugged my mum tightly and told her I'd miss her.
    "Hey! Come on, it's only four days! You'll be fine, sweetie," she
chuckled, kissing me on the head.
    I strolled away, looking back over my shoulder at the people who stood,
waving, at the gateway. I just wanted to be in France as soon as possible.
On the plane, I searched for my seat and eventually found it. Sitting next
to me, was a middle aged, edgy looking woman. She jumped as I sat down next
to her, and I apologised profusely. She simply smiled and continued to
fumble with her hand luggage. I guessed she wasn't a fan of flying! A
gurgling toddler dashed passed my chair, her toothy mouth smeared with
chocolate, laughing happily. Her father chased her frantically down the
alleyway, calling her name. I smiled at him as he stumbled past, giving me
an exasperated look. The plane was air conditioned heavily, and I leant my
head back against the seat, sighing, closing my eyes. Moments later, the
nervous woman next to me was nudging me, telling me to fasten my seatbelt. I
realised I must have dozed off. I heaved a sigh of relief as we took off,
and got my iPod out.
    A few hours later, I was getting off my plane, hoping to God that Leanne
hadn't, for some bizzare reason, forgotten I was coming. I searched for her
tall Dad above the hoards of people, standing on my tiptoes to see properly.
I started to panic when I couldn't see them, and plonking my bag down by a
chair, I hefted myself on to it and scanned the heads. After much searching,
I still couldn't spot them, and I climbed down, stumped. What the hell was I
going to do now? Just as I was getting my phone out to check if I had any
reception, I felt a rush of breeze and something flew into my arms, making
high pitched squeaking noises. I was shocked and gasped for air, clutching
at the bundle in my arms.
     "Jodieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee," Leanne cried, kissing my cheek.
     I violently tugged her off me, pulled her back and surveyed her face.
She'd dyed her hair dark brown, and had a new side fringe put in. She looked
beautiful, as ever!
     "Leanne, you look wonderful!" I said, smiling. "I thought you'd
forgotten me!"
     "Of course not! I wanted to surprise you," she laughed. "Come on, we
have loads of catching up to do!" Leanne insisted, as she dragged me off to
collect my luggage.
      On the way back from the airport, we sat in the backseat of the car,
legs splayed all over each other, mostly discussing Leanne's new life here.
She sounded sad at times, but she seemed to like it, overall. I was
endlessly pleased for her. We secretly held hands underneath her jacket, and
I felt okay for the first time since she'd left. All the tension and anxiety
I'd been feeling had completely drained, and it made me feel extremely
light.
    "So, what have you been up to?" Leanne asked, thoughtfully
    I thought of the nights I'd spent partying, with Kelly, and the coke I'd
done that night, but I didn't think I ought to include that. She'd only
worry, and I didn't want her to feel that way.
   "Well, you remember my friend, Kelly? I've seen her quite a lot, we've
just been catching up and things," I said, innocently. Leanne didn't
question it, and I felt guilty for lying, but I couldn't very well tell her.
I was ashamed of myself and I didn't want her to be ashamed of me, too.
    Leanne was silent for a moment, her lips softly pursed as she looked me
over.
   "Jodie, I am glad that you are doing okay. I mean that, I really mean
it," she said emotionally.
I felt like crying. I wasn't doing okay! I wanted my Leanne back, more than
anything. But how could I tell her that? How could I taint her new life by
planting a worry at the back of her mind, the worry that I was falling apart
without her? No, I could not and would not do that to her, so, instead, I
smiled and squeezed her hand.
   We arrived at Leanne's new house, and I was blown away by how beautiful
it was. Tall and large, it was covered in creeping ivy and surrounded by
shrubbery and trees. The house itself was immaculate. Leanne's family had
newly decorated, and as I stepped inside, I noticed the smell of paint still
faintly lingered. In the hallway, Leanne's parents told me to make myself at
home, and disappeared off into the back of the house, bantering about what
colour to paint the kitchen. I watched them walk away, and then turned back
to Leanne, taking her in my arms.
   "I've missed you more than I can put into words," I whispered,
desperately, and in seconds we were in a passionate clinch, our lips
reunited like old friends, our tongues becoming re-accquainted with each
other. She tasted as she'd always tasted, and we were soon merging into each
other, with me leaning on the wall for support. Eventually, Leanne came up
for air.
   "Well if it can't be put into words, I want you to show me. Come on, you
haven't seen my new room yet," she said, folding my hand into her own and
entwining her fingers with mine. We glided up the stairs, as light as air
and Leanne danced into her bedroom. Her room portrayed her character
perfectly, old posters on new walls, a large sound system which looked
relatively new, her TV, a new bed, her old, pink, carebear bed covers. I
giggled and sighed happily, and flopped onto her bed, inhaling the smell of
her sheets. They smelt fresh and pristine, and I closed my eyes, tired from
all the excitement.
   "Hey, no you don't, sweetheart," Leanne cooed, smoothing my hair with her
fingers.
   "Why not?" I pouted, looking up at her.
   "Because, I want to show you what you've been missing," she smiled,
licking her teeth. I was torn between soft, comfortable bed or tasty,
luscious, Leanne. But in all fairness, Leanne would win everytime. I
adjusted myself into sitting position so that I was mirroring Leanne, and
stroked her silky cheek.
   "And who am I to deny you anything?" I said, innocently. I leaned into
her and our lips met once more. The kiss was wet and sensual, the suggestive
kind that doesnt just leave your mouth being the only thing that's wet. As
the kiss deepened, I felt Leanne's hand creep up my thigh, squeezing my leg
just below my crotch. Her fingers danced along the top of my leg, expertly
avoiding obvious areas, but driving me crazy all the same. I wrapped my own
arm around her waist, sliding my hand up the back of her top. Leanne leaned
into me, guiding my head down onto her pillow and gently draping herself
over the top of me. She pulled away for a second, looking into my eyes very
seriously.
   "I can't believe you're really here with me again," she breathed, her
voice barely more than a sigh, her eyes large and honest.
   I couldn't speak back, for fear of bursting into tears, so instead I
brought her face back to mine, and kissed her harder than before. Leanne
moved her thigh in between my legs, and rubbed back and forth, starting a
gentle rhythm. I moved my legs further apart to accommodate her thigh,
hoping this would invite her to take it further. Taking the initiative, I
slid her black jacket over her dainty shoulders and moved my lips onto the
soft flesh of the nape of her neck. I kissed her there slowly, wanting to
remember what every part of her tasted like. At the same time, my hand
wandered up the front of her top, tickling her belly button. I felt her
giggle into my mouth, and intensify the pressure of her thigh between my
legs. We both smiled into the kiss as she fumbled with my jeans - she'd
never been able to undo the button. I helped her out, and she left my mouth
and resumed kissing on my stomach. I felt her eyelashes flutter against my
skin and I trembled in anticipation. Leanne spent some time on my stomach as
I dreamily slid my fingers through her hair. And then she tugged my jeans
off and slid my underwear over my hips, discarding them on the chair near
her bed. With my free hand, I reached up and gripped the pillow behind me,
ready to hold on. Leanne wasn't teasing today, she went straight in and
began to kiss my labia, using her tongue as though she was kissing my mouth.
She trailed the tip of her tongue all the way along my slit until she
reached my clit, where she fluttered her tongue over it, before dragging it
back down. I pushed my head back into the pillow, eyes closed tight as
Leanne worked her magic, pulling on her pillow and restraining the urge to
arch my back. Leanne continued slowly, gently making love to my pussy. After
deciding she'd made me wet enough, Leanne pushed her tongue tenderly into
the entrance of my vagina. She was being so soft, so caring and gentle, and
it felt like paradise. I was close to coming, but I restrained, wanting to
prolong the pleasure as much as I could. Leanne persevered, smoothly sliding
her tongue inside me, probing around, before pulling back out and kissing
along my labia, stopping to pay vital attention to my throbbing clitoris.
After repeating this various times, I started to writhe around, knowing I
couldn't hold back much longer. I briefly called out, clenching my eyes
shut.
   "Are you close?" Leanne said in a low voice. I nodded vigorously, biting
my bottom lip hard to prevent myself screaming.
   Leanne momentarily stopped what she was doing, and I felt her easing her
fingers into my pussy, but she didn't move them once they were in. She
brought her face back up so it was level with mine, and took my face in a
delicate kiss, sliding her tongue into my mouth and allowed me to taste
myself on her. Then, she started to move fingers, deliberately pushing them
in far, rubbing slowly on my g-spot, and leisurely pulling them away again.
The rhythm of her fingers was perfectly in sync with the rhythm of her
tongue working my own tongue, and pretty soon I was back on the edge. I held
onto her hips and moaned into her mouth, earning myself a low moan back. I
cried out and broke the kiss as I started to come, my pussy clenching
tightly around her magic fingers, and Leanne started to kiss my neck,
lovingly, bringing me through my intense orgasm. She kissed my throat as I
surpressed moans, my back arched and my pussy pushed towards her fingers,
but still, Leanne continued her slow, regular motion. As my orgasm began to
come to an end, Leanne guided my lips back to hers and absorbed my moans,
her tongue affectionately lashing mine. When I stopped convulsing, Leanne
removed her hand and wrapped her arms tightly around my body, holding me to
her securely. I gasped for air, overwhelmed by the orgasm I had just been
given and how much I loved the giver. I found myself sobbing into her neck
as she squeezed me, resting her head on top of my head.
   "I love you, so much," she murmured. All I could do was sob and cling to
her. Leanne had never made love to me like that before, and I knew it had
been an expression of her love to me.
   After I had satisfied Leanne, the pair of us got up to eat, and then we
retreated back to her bedroom, where we stayed for the rest of the day,
talking and holding each other until the early hours of the morning, when we
finally fell asleep in each others arms.
   Those few days I spent with her were magical, and it reminded me just how
much I loved her, and when it was finally time for me to go back home, we
knew we had to say our heart-wrenching goodbye's once more, and endure more
tough times without each other. The day of my departure, Leanne and I could
barely look at each other; we didn't want to maximise the pain for the other
one in any way. We hardly said a word to each other, until Leanne came into
the bathroom behind me when I was collecting my toothbrush. I saw her come
in through the mirror, and she stood behind me and wrapped her arms around
my waist, resting her chin on my shoulder. I shuddered, sensing that
something was wrong in the way she looked at me.
   "Oh, Jodie," she said, her eyes filling up with tears. "I'm not sure I
can go through all of this again."
   I held my breath for a second, knowing exactly what she meant. I felt
that familiar feeling of impending doom start to invade my gut, after being
away for the whole time I'd been with Leanne.
   "You mean, you..." I trailed off, turned around to face her, our arms
still wrapped around each other. Leanne looked at me with a heartbreaking
expression, her eyes displaying the gloom she that she felt inside of her.
   "I just don't know what we can do Jodie," she sighed, resignedly. "We are
going to have to go through this hurt and pain everytime we see each other
again."
   I knew what she was talking about, and I knew precisely how she felt. I
didn't feel anger towards her, because her face portrayed so much heartbreak
that I knew just how miserable she felt. She wasn't doing this because she
didn't love me anymore, she was doing it because she loved me, and I
understood perfectly. I looked her in the eye, and told her this.
   "I understand completely why you feel like this. I...I agree with you," I
said quietly, the last part barely audible. Both of us were scared to say it
out loud, scared to put our thoughts into reality, but we had to do it.
   "You know that I love you, and I know that you love me, which is why I
think it's better like this," Leanne said, uncertainly. She didn't look as
if she believed what she was saying, but she didn't need to speak for me to
recieve her message wholly.
   "This is...so hard...I...are you sure, Leanne?" I pleaded. I knew that
this was not Leanne ending our relationship, I knew that this was not even
myself ending the relationship, it was the both of us making a mutual
decision, and we knew that.
   "I think it's the right thing to do, but Jodie, I love you," Leanne said
despairingly, tears spilling from her eyes now.
   "I know exactly why you're doing this, Leanne, you don't need to explain
yourself to me, you know I understand you, better than anyone," I whimpered,
starting to cry myself now.
   "I want you to know, Jodie," Leanne began, fiercely, holding me tightly,
"that I love you more than I have loved, love and ever will love another
living soul. This, I promise you. There is nothing more pure than the love I
feel for you, and my love for you has never wavered, not even now, you know
that, don't you?" Leanne sounded almost as if she was begging me for my
understanding, but she already had it. I felt devastated, but at the same
time, I felt a small window of relief, knowing that this was for the best in
the long term.
   "Leanne, I've always meant it when I said I loved you, and I still do.
There's not a thing I would do to hurt you. Just promise me this, you will
never forget me," I sobbed, overwhelmed.
   "Never, for as long as I live. You will always be in my heart, Jodie, you
have changed my life in so many ways. This past year has been the best year
of my life, but we both know all good things must come to and end," she told
me, sadly.
   This was the hardest conversation I'd ever have, sitting back and
allowing this relationship to be over, even though we both knew that we
still loved each other, but making a mature decision for the good of each
other. Despite the pain and the anguish, both of us knew this would save
more hurt in the long run. Leanne and I stood in the bathroom, hugging and
kissing each other, our tears blending together on our faces, for at least
an hour, telling each other our reasons, trying to justify what we were
doing, trying to convince ourselves that this was the best thing to do. I've
never held onto to someone so hard in my life. I felt like I was about to
fall from a plane, and Leanne was my last hope of safety, my harness, my
safety rope, and once that was cut, I would be free falling with nothing to
guide me. But this hole I felt inside inside of me, surely this was better
than missing each other for months on end, then being reunited, only to be
tore away from each other time and time again? Surely?
   After crying countless more tears and hugging each other into oblivion,
we both resigned trying to reason with ourselves. Right now, we could not
see that this was for the best, but we knew that this was the only way to
save us from more heartbreak. We were going to have to accept that this, the
best relationship of our lives, the loves of our lives, was over. And
although it caused us both unbearable pain, we comforted each other with the
knowledge that this was not like other breakups, that this was a mutual
decision, that we could guarantee that we were feeling just as much pain as
the other, and that this did not, under any circumstances, mean that we'd
stopped loving each other.
   The ride to the airport slipped away like sand in an hourglass. I
clutched her hand, hard, the whole way, constantly fighting back tears. It
seemed a clock was ticking in my head, reminding me that my time with Leanne
was coming to an end, that it was no longer unlimited. All I remember from
that journey, is watching Leanne silently cry beside me, her tears dripping
off her chin, splashing over her jeans and onto our joined hands. I also
remember the feeling I had, and I always will remember that feeling. The
feeling that you are making the biggest mistake of your life, the feeling
that you are losing the best thing that ever happened to you, but that it
was for the benefit of another person, even if that person was not exactly
thankful at that moment in time. As my plane arrived at the airport, I felt
like I was being submerged in cold water. I was dizzy and sick, and when I
looked at Leanne, she mirrored my exact feelings on her face. All I wanted
to do was stop her pain, but I knew that what we were doing was stopping her
pain. I had to keep telling myself that. Sometimes, you have to be cruel to
be kind, make a decision that may temporarily hurt the people you love, but
will save a lot turmoil for them in the future. I clung to Leanne until the
very last second I had, feeling her warm tears soak my neck, listening to
her words of comfort as she frantically told herself the same things I was
telling my self. When there really was no more time, I let go of her
reluctantly and felt the tears falling down my face in sheets. I released
her hand, watching her arm fall limply to her side as she stood before me,
looking like a lost child in a city. Her parents had kept their distance,
but I didn't even care if they knew anymore. As I backed away from Leanne, I
felt as though nothing mattered anymore, because I'd let go of the only
thing that mattered. When I couldn't walk backwards anymore, I searched
desperately for something adequate I could do, I felt powerless, desperate,
numb.
   "I love you!" I called back at her, my voice cracking as I sobbed loudly.
She mouthed the words back, and I imagined the feel of that mouth on my own
mouth, on my body. Why were we doing this? I had to get away before I
changed my mind. I turned and ran down the passageway towards the plane I
was boarding, knowing that if I looked back there's no way I'd be able to
keep going. I covered my ears as I ran, because I didn't want to hear
Leanne's sobs. And when I made my way to my seat on the plane, nothing
seemed to make sense. People rushed past me in a blur, as though they were
on fast forward, and I could only focus on one thought; was it really for
the best??


Well that's it! I know it's taken a long time, but it is the longest part of
the story, and also the hardest to write! I hope you have all enjoyed my
story, and thank you all so much for reading! Any feedback is, as always,
heavily appreciated - Jodiesline@hotmail.co.uk. THANKYOU so much to
everybody who has read this or who was sent me feedback and support!