Date: Mon, 3 Oct 2005 10:16:30 -0700 (PDT)
From: Jane Doe <malkuth_lies@yahoo.com>
Subject: Another night wasted, part 4

-Disclaimer time again, boys and girls! If it's illegal to read this,
wherever you may be, then dont. If you just plain shouldn't read it,
don't. You know where you are. Otherwise, enjoy!-


	Lucy and I are walking down the clogged hallways to my locker,
talking about class, boys, who said what about who... normal high school
topics. Actually, it's mostly her talking, and I just listen and smile and
nod at the right times. Or laugh when I can't help it. I'm rummaging
through my locker, looking for my calculus book when her chattering trails
off, and she nudges my arm gently. Not much could stop her from talking, so
I give her a questioning look and she's looking past me, a charming smile
reserved only for boys of interest on her lips.
	I let my gaze shift and follow hers, and to my great surprise I
find Dean Radcliff sidling up next to me, leaning against the lockers and
looking about as suave as any guy I've ever known could. His dark hair
perfectly tousled just so, shaggy enough to offset his light blue eyes,
sparklingly clear and surrounded by dark lashes. He's got just a faint
smile, showing off his straight white teeth between his faintly pink lips,
softer and fuller than most boy's, at least in look. And to my shock I have
this minor godling of masculine sex appeal beside me, with me as his object
of attention and what do I feel? Nothing at all...
	I must have looked as puzzled as I felt because his smile widens
and takes on a vaguely reassuring aspect and he offers his hand.
	"Hey, I'm Dean. You're Lana, right?"
	I take his hand lightly and he gives mine a gentle squeeze, leaning
down and planting a soft kiss on my knuckles. The cogs in my head are
whirling, any normal girl would be weak in the knees and totally enchanted
by this point. What the hell is wrong with me? All I want is to be
normal... but then why... I realize he's watching me expectantly, and even
so it takes me a moment to find my tongue.
	"Yeah, I'm Lana... nice to meet you Dean..." I think my voice is a
bit weak as I speak, but I don't suppose that's too odd to him. And oddly
enough that idea makes me a bit angry. Guys like him and Craig, thinking
they can charm girls or just pressure them into putty so they can do as
they please. He smiles again and gives my hand another gentle squeeze
before letting it go.
	"The pleasure is all mine. I heard you and Craig had a little
split, I take it you told him where... well, he couldn't shove it?"
	"Yeah, that I did. And he wasn't too pleased about it. But really
if that was all he was interested in I can do a lot better." I pull my calc
book out, wondering if maybe I've just been put off a bit by the whole
Craig experience.
	"In that case... I was hoping you might give me a try." His shy
smile seems somehow plastic to me, like it doesn't quite reach his
eyes. Did I just not look close enough before? "Maybe Friday would work for
you?"
	I think for a moment, desperate for an excuse before I realize I
don't have to make one up.
	"Sorry, I promised my sister I'd chill with her on Friday. You
know, girl's night in."
	"Ah, that's cool. Well, why don't you pick a day then?" He looks a
bit downcast, but somehow I can't bring myself to be sympathetic, as once
again it doesn't quite ring genuine.
	"How about I call you and let you know? You're in the directory,
right?"
	"Yeah, my number's there. And if you need a bit more time before
you want to date again or whatever, that's cool too. Just think of me
first, okay?" He seems a bit happier at the avoidance of a straight shoot
down, and I'm wondering if perhaps I'm being a bit harsh.
	"Sure thing Dean, I'll talk to you later." I say with a smile as I
close my locker and turn to head for calculus class, Lucy right at my
elbow.
	I can feel her wanting to burst, I'm sure she had just as much
going through her head during that exchange as I did. Finally when we're
down the hall and around the corner the dam bursts.
	"Oh. My. GOD! I can't believe you just DID that! Turning down a
date with DEAN for your little sister!? Are you INSANE?" She spouts it all
with such drama, as though the words were positively ripped from her
throat.
	"What? I promised her and I don't break promises. Anyways. I mean,
who says I always have to be dating someone?"
	"That wasn't `someone' that was DEAN RADCLIFF! Come on, he HAS to
be like the hottest, smartest, most charming and most eligible guy in
school. And you blew him off for your SISTER?"
	"It's been hard on her since we got here... she doesn't make
friends too easily, she really relies on me."
	"Well, maybe if she wasn't such a little freak she'd have an easier
time making friends. You shouldn't have to suffer for her social issues."
	I'm not really sure what precisely happened... anger boiled up like
a burning, living thing. I stopped dead in my tracks and glared at her, and
the heated venom in my belly must have shown in my face because she almost
wilted.
	"Never, ever talk about Jen like that. You don't even fucking know
her."
	Seething, I headed off to class. As I calmed down my thoughts
returned to my lack of interest in Dean or really any other guy
around. Maybe I just really wasn't ready for anything so soon after the
Craig fiasco. But as I continue thinking about it I'm asking myself what do
I really find attractive about guys? I think back to all of my past
boyfriends, how I felt about them, what kind of relationships we had.
	They were all distant relationships. We were generally there to
look good together, and in middle school, that makes sense, little stolen
kisses here and there, not much else. But now... am I really interested in
having a "serious" boyfriend?
       What I think of as "my type" is so incredibly generic it's
silly. Really my type is what any father would want his son to
be. Handsome, generally good at sports, decently intelligent or at least
sweet... I think the guy I liked best was actually probably the dimmest one
I've dated. But even then, was there any "chemistry"? I don't think so.
      But if I don't want a boyfriend what do I want? I mean, I'm young, I
don't have to figure everything out right now but I should get some sort of
clue. I certainly don't like the idea of going through life alone. I scan
the classroom and ponder.
      Lucy doesn't find me again until after school, when she slinks up,
almost like a scared cat. Seeing the apologetic look on her face I just
can't stay mad at her, one look at her deep brown eyes and I melt.
      "Hey, Lana, I'm really sorry... I was just..." She looks so hesitant
and apologetic; I just smile and throw an arm around her shoulders.
      "It's ok Lucy, I'm sorry I got so angry. She's my little sister and
I'm a bit overprotective I guess."
      She grins up at me, eyes sparkling happily, and slides an arm around
my waist.
      Maybe this is what I want...

____________________________________________________________________________________________

	I headed out to the parking lot, scanning for my sister. It only
took a moment to spot her over by our car, goofing off with Lucy. I paused
and just looked on for a moment, watching her and Lucy laughing and
talking. To see her smiling like that, so happy and simply free. In that
moment I love her all the more. It makes me feel like my heart is going to
burst, but in a good way.
	I jog on over, darting in and half tackling my big sis, making her
squeal happily and clutch at me to keep from falling over. I can't help but
laugh and begin a tickle assault on her, because mercy is for the
weak. Unfortunately I made a miscalculation. I might be able to take Lana
but her and Lucy at the same time? Not likely. Soon I was reduced to a
giggling mess trying to shelter myself against the car.
	They relent in their attacks and I slowly regain my breath, still
breaking into giggles now and then, grinning up at them. Mostly at
Lana. Her hair is a bit mussed, blowing in the breeze and her cheeks are
flushed bright pink, a gorgeous smile as radiant as the sun itself
lingering on her lips. Then a thought occurs to me.
	"Shotgun!" I call out as I lunge and slide over the hood to the
passenger side, nearly falling as I reach the edge of the car. Lana looks
briefly stunned before collapsing into gales of laughter, and Lucy chases
after me protesting and seeking to renew the tickle assault. Too bad for
her she's lost her cohort in crime and we wrestle about tickling one
another and trying to take control of the front passenger side door until
Lana, always the responsible one, ends it.
	"Come on Lucy, fair is fair, she called it." She's still smiling
happily as she says it, and I grin triumphantly at the little
brunette. "Now both of you get in before I leave you two to walk home."
	We scramble into the car like chastised little children and once
Lana is satisfied we've calmed down enough to not be a danger to ourselves
or anyone else on the road we take off. Soon the two of them are chatting
away about whatever `important' is going on at school and I just relax,
staring out the window and enjoying the feel of them there. Somehow paying
attention only to their voices and not to what they're saying makes me
happy inside. It's like by filtering out the supposed meaning and just
listening to the music of their voices I can hear what they're really
trying to say. Or maybe I'm just hearing what they feel. Regardless, I'm
flying high and so are they, and that's what's important isn't it?
	I'm pretty far out there and contemplating what happiness might
taste like or if the color blue is fuzzy in nature when Lucy pokes my
shoulder.
	"Hey you, you should be feelin really special right about now. You
have a not only awesome but also incredibly devoted sister."
	`Well yeah, I've known that for years. It's taken you this long to
catch that newsflash?" I retort, smiling back at her over my shoulder. I
notice Lana blushing a bit out of the corner of my eye and it makes me feel
even more proud to have a sister like her.
	"Hah! You don't even know what happened today!" She gives me a smug
smirk of sorts and glances over at Lana, also noting her discomfort.
	"It's no big deal, really." Lana chimes in, waving a hand
dismissively as she drives.
	"The hell it isn't, it's a DEAN RADCLIFF big fucking deal!" Lucy
rolls her eyes as though despairing at the idea of Lana comprehending the
gravity of the situation. And my curiosity is perked.
	"So then, who is this Dean guy and why is he such a big fucking
deal?" I ask, raising an eyebrow at Lucy, doubly curious now that Lana
seems to be getting a tad irate.
	Lucy dramatically rolls her eyes once again, as though she were a
long suffering missionary delivering the `Truth' unto heathens.
	"Dean Radcliff is only like the hottest, most eligible guy in
school. And YOUR big sister turned him down to spend a night watching
movies with you! A decision I will never understand." She settles back in
her seat, shaking her head and looking at my sister as though she's mad as
a hatter.
	I glance over at Lana and her cheeks have reddened another shade or
so. Not only that but she seems to be rather occupied with driving and
keeping stray locks of hair brushed back from her face. She glances over at
me ever so briefly, making eye contact for a fraction of a second before
returning her gaze to the road.
	"It's no big deal really. When I want to date again I will, some of
us don't have to have a boyfriend twenty-four seven you know Lucy."
	They begin arguing about the importance of boyfriends and I tune
them out again, though a bit more than the last time. She'd really rather
spend a night with me than with this supposedly hot guy. I mean... I don't
know him or anything, so it's not like I can make a judgment... but she
definitely did choose me over a guy, one that wants to be her boyfriend or
something no less. I don't think I stopped smiling all the way home.
	I know there's not really any chance of being anything more to
her. But I think I can be happy with this.

____________________________________________________________________________________________


	I was almost relieved when we got home and Jen stayed downstairs to
hang out with Lucy and I. I hadn't even thought about it but when she
plopped down on the couch next to me and she and Lucy began a war over the
remote control I couldn't help but smile and shake my head.
	Jen wrestled the remote away from her nemesis and began flipping
through the channels like the true channel surfer she is, so I figured it
was time for me to intervene. I wrapped my arms around her, leaning in
close over her shoulder and planted a lingering kiss on her cheekbone. She
seemed sufficiently stunned when she turned her head and stared at me, so I
then lightly plucked the remote from her hands, landing on some old
episodes of the Golden Girls.
	I suppose there's nothing like old women making jokes about
lesbians and sex to get us all chattering and laughing like twelve year
olds, and it's a really good time.  It got late far too fast, so rather
than making something I opt for the lazy way out and order pizza with the
discretionary allowance dad makes available in case I need groceries when
he's out.
	Jen almost seems a little disappointed when Lucy gets the ok from
her parents to spend the night; another plus to having dad pretty much let
me run the house. When we finally headed to bed she seems a bit surprised
when I demand she stick with us and share my bed, as usual. The three of us
fit in it just fine, so why the heck not? And that disappointment vanishes
like fog after the sun has risen.
	Funny as it is Jen just can't seem to stay awake most of the time
in my bed, in stark contrast to her insomnia when she's alone. She drops
off fairly early and Lucy and I stay up, whispering in the dark. Laying
there between my best friend and my little sister the vague curiosity that
I had pushed to the back of my brain muscles its way to the
forefront. Curled up on our sides, nearly face to face, nose to nose Lucy
and I talk softly, her voice reverberating though me, her eyes nearly black
in the darkness, like dark pools drawing me in. Her lips are curled in a
soft smile that seems almost inviting, and I can feel the heat of her body
close to mine.
	I can feel her warmth flowing into me and those eyes... it's so
easy to get lost in them. I wonder what she's thinking and what her lips
taste like. The curiosity and longing take root in my mind and grow,
sprouting like a horrible weed and taking over my thoughts. I'm not even
really listening to her anymore. So I decide to cast caution to the wind
for once in my life, and just interrupt her.
	"Lucy, have you ever... you know... messed around with another
girl?"
	Her eyes widen for a moment, a bit surprised and then she smiles
slyly.
	"Oh dear lord, does this mean the good girl has discovered her sex
drive?"
	I can feel the blood rising to my cheeks, and I'm sure the
embarrassment shows on my face in ways other than just blushing.
	"I was just wondering, I mean..." my courage has fled off to
somewhere in the distance and I'm wilting a bit inside, but she gives me a
knowing smile.
	"You mean you got used to getting a bit of attention with Craig but
now you don't have him and aren't ready for a new guy? It's not that
strange hon, a lot of girls I know have tried it. After all, guys really
like watching that kind of thing." With that she giggles softly, grinning.
	"Yeah... something like that..." How could I tell her that I just
don't think guys are my thing? How could I say that I find her infinitely
more sexually attractive the guys at school, even Dean? As much faith as I
have in her as my best friend, she's just too guy crazy. I don't think
she'd ever understand. So... it's easier just to go with what she says.
	She smiles at me again, an excitement in her eyes that makes me
quiver inside.
	"So then... you wanna give it a try?"
	Breathlessly I nod, and she pushes me back on the bed, leaning over
me. I'm dizzy with anticipation as she leans in close, her hair falling
down around my face, locking out the rest of the world and hiding us behind
a mahogany veil of silken softness. I lift my hand a gently brush my
fingertips along her jaw line, taking in the sweetness of her skin, the
smoothness of her cheek, marveling at the feel of her.
	Finally her lips meet mine, softly, delicately, so gently... our
lips press together in a veritable symphony of sensations, her smell and
feel, her warmth above me, her lightness is intoxicating... everything is
so different, so gentle and refined, nothing at all like Craig's gropings
and mashings... it's so wonderful and so close to perfect, I lose myself in
it as her lips part and her tongue presses gently into my mouth and a
perfectly choreographed dance begins, our lips locked together and tongues
twined...
	Suddenly there's a jerk in bed beside us and Lucy pulls away. I
just barely catch a glimpse of Jen darting out of the room. The door slams
behind her and I look up at Lucy, her face mirroring my own puzzlement.
After a moment I get up and try to follow after, heading down the hallway
and searching for my little sister. But she's nowhere to be found... I
search downstairs and then return up into her room, just in case she
slipped in there before I followed her... but nothing. She's simply
vanished.