Date: Thu, 27 Oct 2005 02:58:08 -0700 (PDT)
From: Jane Doe <malkuth_lies@yahoo.com>
Subject: Another Night Wasted, Part 5

	It's cold outside. I didn't know where else to run. I can't face
her right now. The siding is frigid against my back and the roofing tiles
are rough and harsh on my feet and legs. I let out a long, slow breath and
watch the steam it causes drift in the cold night air. Hot tears burn down
my cheeks as I turn my gaze to the sky, a dull orange vault overhead. I
hate this place. When we lived in Arizona the sky was almost always
clear. Millions of stars shone in the sky every night, the Milky Way a
dense band across the sky, almost like some cosmic mother's milk taunting
me, eternally out of reach while somehow offering my soul a strange kind of
sustenance. A feeling of not being alone. God I wish I could see it now. I
hate this place and its cloudy sky, the snow, the rain, all of it. If we
were still in Arizona none of this would have happened. No snow, no crash,
none of this. I'd still be blind to her. Ignorance was bliss. I was stupid
to think I could really be happy after all that. To think I could be happy
only having her as a sister.
	But why the fuck did it have to be Lucy? Why on god's green earth
did it have to be HER? Who knows how many dicks that mouth has sucked, what
could she like so much about that plastic little slut? The tears flow
faster, I feel like I want to scream, to punch the side of the house, to
feel blood flow like the hot salty wetness on my cheeks. I want to scream,
to let out everything inside of me. To give the emotional pain a physical
mirror and maybe just bring an end to all of it. It's like a rusty knife
has been shoved through my heart, sharp enough to puncture, blade rough
like the roof under me, grabbing and ripping the flesh around the wound. It
makes me feel sick, like I'm going to puke or maybe I'll just choke,
suffocated because it hurts too much to breathe.
	Lana isn't even into girls... but she was kissing Lucy... or Lucy was
kissing her. But I heard something. A noise woke me up. And as much as I
try to tell myself it wasn't Lana, I know in that torn up heart of mine
that it was. I've been dreaming of that kind of little moan for too long to
not recognize it.
	The urge to lash out wells up in me again and I have to hold it
back. I have to be quiet. I can't let her find me. Fuck I wish I had a
cigarette out here. But I have to wait, wait for her to stop looking for
me. I couldn't face her. I couldn't look her in the eyes, those gorgeous,
soft blue eyes... I know how she'd look, I know the confusion that would be
there and I know she'd look hurt too. Her pain would fold into mine and I'd
scream at her and at Lucy... Lucy would take the brunt of it I'm sure... I
couldn't look in her eyes too long, I'd have to turn away and that would
lead me back to that little whore I'm sure. Dad would wake up and then the
shit would really get flying. So I have to stay quiet. Stay silent, stay
hidden. For both of us.
	I can't get the image out of my head, or the sound. That tiny
sound, just the faintest little moan of pleasure that woke me. Then to open
my eyes and see them. To see Lucy half on top of my sister, to see their
lips pressed together, mouths open to each other and sealed off from the
rest of the world. My heart lurches in my chest again, seemingly trying to
free itself of my ribcage, maybe so it could jump off the roof. It's an odd
little image that almost makes me smile. But as the anger recedes I'm left
with nothing but pain, pain and the urge to maybe jump off the roof... if
only it were six or seven stories higher.
	So all I can do is stay quiet, and wait... god I want a cigarette.

================================================================================

	I make my way back to my room, confused and more than a bit
worried. Lucy is waiting in there for me, and when I walk in she gives me a
questioning look. I just shake my head.
	"No idea where she went... it's not like this place is that big. I'm
worried."
	Lucy gives me a half smile and takes my hand for a moment.
	"It's ok hon, I mean, she's a tough lil girl. I don't get why she
flipped out though..." She looks down at the hand she's holding, chewing on
her lower lip lightly. "I mean, she's definitely not the type I would
expect to be paranoid about catching the gay or whatever."
	She's right, I mean, Jen has had gay friends before, she's not a
homophobe or anything. I nod a bit in response to her and we contemplate it
quietly. So if it had nothing to do with that kind of freak out, why would
she? Then it hits me, and my jaw drops for a moment.
	"Lucy... you don't think she could be maybe... and then, if she was,
you know... into you?" I watch my best friend for a response and the same
slow dawn of comprehension comes over her, and she stares up at me, wide
eyed.
	"Wow... I mean, I wouldn't have thought, but that would explain
things. Wouldn't it? But... I so wouldn't think I'd be her type." Her look
of puzzlement is comical, and I can't help but giggle a bit.
	"What, you don't think she'd go for a girly girl? Maybe that's why
she's so anti-mainstream." I crack half a grin, hiding the relief I feel at
having figured out a reason for Jen's abrupt departure and subsequent
disappearance. "It's a love/hate thing, she resents the gap girls and
cheerleaders for making her want them so bad, but then she still wants
them..."
	Lucy giggles softly, lying back down on my bed.
	"So then, what do we do? I mean... about the whole thing?"
	I sigh softly, looking back towards the door.
	"Well... for now, I think we let her go. I'll talk to her
tomorrow. She's my little sister... I can live without... well, you
know. Especially if it keeps her from being hurt. Cool?"
	"Totally cool. She really is lucky to have a sister like you." Lucy
grins as I climb back into bed as well. "I woulda just been like, `Well...
fuck her, who cares. I wanna have fun!'"
	I laugh and pull up the covers around us, settling in, returning
her grin.
	"Yeah, maybe so, but that's cause you're a selfish bitch." Her eyes
go wide and still smiling she pulls her pillow out from under her head and
whaps me with it, then begins laughing. Soon we settle in and she's
drifting off again, but I can't stop thinking, or worrying, about Jen.
	It would make sense. Everything would fit if she had a crush on
Lucy or something. She stayed downstairs with us, hung out with us all
night, without even being asked. It fits, but it doesn't quite feel
right. So, with a nagging feeling of doubt, I let myself slip off into a
troubled sleep.

================================================================================

	I wait as long as I can stand the cold. It wouldn't be so bad if I
just had some pants. As I climb back in through my window I'm shivering and
my fingers and toes are numb, my head hurts from crying and my cheeks sting
from wind on wet tears. All is quiet, I seem to have avoided Lana's search
fairly well.
	The first thing I go for is some heavier pajamas, flannel pants and
a thermal weave top. Then straight to the bathroom, I draw a hot bath after
locking the door behind me. As I watch the water fill the tub I'm drawn
back to thoughts of pain... of making the blood flow as freely as my
tears. They're dark thoughts, but somehow comforting. Finally I slip into
the liquid warmth, heat bringing full feeling and life back to my limbs,
relaxing my stiff muscles. That brings its own twinges. The shock of the
hot water on my cold skin... maybe that's enough pain for now. Lana would
freak if I actually went through with hurting myself in some fashion. Maybe
that's a reason to go through with it.
	So many maybes. So many what ifs. I need to stop being such a
fucking drama queen. Give up on it. What does it all matter? I don't
honestly believe that with all the maybes and what ifs in the world she'd
actually go for me. Most notably that includes the "what if she wasn't my
sister?" and "what if she was into girls?" I'm fucking pathetic. I can't
even manage to find someone outside my own damn family to fixate on.
	I brood in the tub until the water goes cold, then return to my
room. As always I return to old habits, pacing my room, smoking my
cigarettes and a bit of my private stash, taking the edge off my wandering
mind. All too soon it's starting to get light out. I still can't face Lana,
can't look her or her hormonal sidekick in the eye. So I get dressed and
start to walk. It's going to be a long week.

================================================================================

	Since her sudden disappearance, I haven't really seen Jen. It's
been days since she's had dinner with me. She leaves before I get up and
walks to school I guess, I wish she wouldn't do it... but she hasn't missed
school, and I know she's eating. So what right do I have to demand anything
of her? Especially when I'm the one that put her in this state.
	But now it's Friday... I still haven't seen her but after school I
go and pick up a couple of movies anyways. Between awful horror and artsy
drama I hope I can make enough of an apology. I'm really hoping she
actually shows up. I wouldn't be surprised if she didn't show up at
all. Our curfews are pretty loose on the weekends... but all the same I have
to try. Movies she'll love, Chinese from her favorite place, everything
about her.  I have to make it up to her somehow.
	At the same time, it's been nice having these couple days to think
about things. If she's into Lucy then really, who am I to stand in the way?
I love them both, though I'd have to beat Lucy bloody if she broke my
little sister's heart.
      At the same time... that was an absurdly nice kiss. I really have to
wonder if I am gay. Or lesbian, whatever you want to call it. So soft and
sweet and gentle, it just felt right. Ok, maybe not entirely right, but a
hell of a lot closer than anything else I've ever done. It kind of makes me
think I just need to find the right girl. Worth a try at least. But what
would the right girl be like?
      And I'm on the couch, pondering such matters when my little sister
comes walking through the door. She looks a bit ragged, like she hasn't
been sleeping, and has a pair of new adornments in the form of a hoop in
her left nostril and a third piercing in her right ear. But even looking so
tired and with the slightly raw new holes, she's still my beautiful Jen and
I give her a wide smile as she walks in.

================================================================================

	I haven't talked to Lana in days, but when I walk in she's there on
the couch, smiling at me. She looks so happy to see me, and perhaps a bit
relieved. My heart tightens in my chest as I try to stay cold, unaffected
by her... not that it works. The warmth in her smile could melt me on my
most hateful days, and today I'm just tired. Even with everything that's
happened I just want to kiss her, to tell her how I feel, to have her as my
own... instead, I give her a weak smile in return.
	"Hey Lana... what's up?" I ask, hoping I don't sound as weak as I
feel.
	She gives me a mildly reproachful look, and I pause, running
through what I could have done to earn such an expression. My mind is still
processing when she answers both my asked and unasked questions.
	"Not much, just waitin on you. We had a date tonight in case you
managed to forget. Movies, popcorn ready to be popped and Chinese on the
way already. I figured even if you had forgotten the smell of orange
chicken would summon you from wherever you ended up hiding."
	I can't help but smile at the knowing look on her face. I wanted to
tell her that as much as I love orange chicken, I'd do a lot more and
travel a whole lot farther to see her smile at me again... to wake up next
to her again. But as is my habit I keep my damn fool mouth shut.
	I leave my shoes and backpack by the door and wander over to
inspect the rentals for the night, and I'm amazed to see `Hellraiser' and
`Lost and Delirious' side by side on the coffee table. I look up and she's
giving me another one of those knowing smiles. All I can do is plop down
beside her and lean against her, nuzzling into her shoulder. She slides an
arm around my shoulder and I wonder how the hell I'm ever supposed to get
my heart back.
	"So, which do you want to watch first?" she asks, giving me a light
kiss on top of my head.
	"Doesn't matter to me, I love em both, as you well know." I want to
tell her how lucky I feel to have her there. How I must have done something
really good in a previous life to deserve her, even if we're never more
than sisters. But it just doesn't seem the time to say things like that,
silly as that may sound.
	"All righty, then it's my choice... may as well get the pain out of
the way first."
	She picks up the case with the Hellraiser DVD and extricates
herself long enough to go put it in the player, then returns to the couch
and our closeness. I know how much she hates horror movies... personally I
think she's just easy to scare, and has never had someone she really liked
to turn to for comfort. The whole "take the girl to the horror movie so
she'll cringe against you" thing. She's always been to self reliant, the
one who has to take care of other people, not get taken care of.
      Me? I'm just morbid. Or at least that seems the best reason to be
fascinated by things that other people find horrifying, like pinhead using
animated chains to tear people apart in some weird sado-masochistic
underworld...
      We stay curled up on the couch until the Chinese arrives, about a
half an hour in. The movie gets paused while we eat, since I think it would
be a bit mean to make her eat Chinese with small chunks of meat and viscous
sauces while watching... well, you get the idea. Like Chinese places don't
have enough problems with rumors of unknown meat sources.
      We get the movie going again once we're stuffed, and as it gets more
demented her arm tightens around me now and again, keeping me close. When
she stiffens up I nuzzle her shoulder a bit, breathing her scent in deeply,
or otherwise snuggle up a bit more, and she seems at least a bit comforted
by my presence. I don't think I could be any happier, despite the whole
Lucy thing.
      Finally the movie ends, to my disappointment, and she gets up again
to change the DVDs. To my surprise she then wanders off into the kitchen,
and I'm left looking after her, curiosity perking as I hear her digging in
the fridge or freezer or something.

================================================================================

	What better to take my mind off of horrible scenes of torture
than... ice cream! I dig in the freezer, pulling out the two pints I'd
picked up earlier. Irish cream with mocha chips for me and vanilla ice
cream with brownie chunks and a raspberry swirl for her. Grabbing a couple
of spoons I head back out to the living room and she's just barely peeking
over the back of the couch, watching for me. It's so cute I can't help but
laugh.
	She perks up when she sees the small cartons in my hands, raising
up a bit so I can see her smile.
	"Whatcha got there? Presents?" she asks, that impish smile one her
lips and eyes bright.
	"Maybe, if you promise to behave."
      I laugh, walking around the couch and handing her the ice cream I got
for her. She takes it, letting out a little squeak of delight and bouncing
on the couch. She digs in and I pop the next DVD into the player. She seems
mesmerized by the movie as it plays. I mostly ignore it, watching her
instead.
      I decide no time like the present to broach uncomfortable subjects...
so I take a deep breath and forge ahead, ready for... something.
      "You know Jen... the other night. That was really nothing. If you have
a thing for Lucy go ahead, you're more important to me than she could ever
be."
      Whatever I expected, her response isn't it. She lets out a short,
derisive laugh, almost more of a bark, looking over at me, surprise plain
on her face.
      "Lucy? Me? No, never!" the incredulity shows in her voice and I
simply blink at her, puzzled. Her mouth snaps shut and her face blushes a
deep crimson, as though she's said too much. She turns back to the movie,
leaving me with my confusion.
      My mouth snaps shut as I think it through... she's no homophobe, she
doesn't have a crush on Lucy... and my mind wanders to the feel of her eyes
on me, the way she watches me, how she looks away when she sees I've
noticed these things...
      And for once in my life, impulse takes over. I smile over at her.
      "Oh, ok, no biggie... hey, you want to try my ice cream? It's really
good."
      She glances at me, then shyly returns my smile and nods, leaning over
towards me and opening her mouth. I get a nice spoonful of my irish cream
and mocha chip and take a bite, savoring the taste for just a moment as she
looks at me, a bit pouty, as though I'm teasing her. And I guess I am. I
give her another brief smile, and before my brain can object I lean
forward, melding my lips to hers and sharing the heady sweetness not only
of the ice cream, but of the kiss as well.