Message-ID: <070310Z04121994@anon.penet.fi>
Newsgroups: alt.sex.stories,alt.sex.bondage
From: an129811@anon.penet.fi
X-Anonymously-To: alt.sex.stories,alt.sex.bondage
Organization: Anonymous contact service
Reply-To: an129811@anon.penet.fi
Date: Sun, 4 Dec 1994 06:56:45 UTC
Subject: Story (kind of): Ponderings (d/s, mast)
Lines: 173
***Preface: After being chastised by Master for not posting this
when he asked me to, I got on the computer in a jiffy
and set to work. Rage thought I should remove my last
comments about this not being *hot* b/c
thought my worries were unfounded. I left it in anyhow
because it reflects my state of mind at the time :)
As always, comments are *more* than welcome.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
PONDERINGS No permission to
by Laurel to reproduce
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
You said it as an afterthought really, I think. I don't think
you had any idea the impact your order would have on me.
Maybe you do know. . .and that's why you did it.
After we hung up the phone I lay on my bed thinking. I was
thinking about why my stomach was in a little nervous knot,
and why I felt so small and controlled and owned. I idly traced
the spot on my leg where you have me draw your initial, even
though it wasn't there.
I remember when you first asked for control of my orgasms.
I remember how reluctant I was. I remember how it skirted
the line for me in bringing up memories of lovers past who
didn't know or care if I ever orgasmed at all. In time, I
was able to give it to you. I remember that it was difficult.
I remember the times when I would be frustrated and have
to safeword. I remember the special rule you had to make
because I would get so scared and upset that I was not
being good enough for you-- the one where I would be
punished if I came without your permission
but that you would not be angry or dissapointed with me.
But tonight you said you didn't want to keep me from
cumming when I wanted anymore. Now you have a
new rule. Now I have to cum every day. It didn't seem
like a very submissive thing to ask of me when you
said it, did it?
I'm exhausted. I put dinner away so it doesn't spoil and
then I take my pill. I start closing the lights and am
momentairly distracted by some forms I find that I
have to fill out for school. By the time I get the lights
out and am ready for bed, the sexy feeling has waned
and all I'm thinking about is sleep. In fact, I do drift
to sleep a bit. I wake up wide -eyed in a slight panick.
Maybe you meant starting tonight! Of course you did.
Now I am starting to feel the impact. I am starting to realize what this
might mean. It means that I must masturbate now, even though my body is
completely uninterested. I realize it means
you have more control over my body now than you did before.
Being forbidden from something means that you need only
avoid behavior that you might want to engage in. Being
ordered to do something means you must find time and energy
and motivation to do it. This realization hits me hard and
I squeeze my legs together while groping in the dark for
my vibrator.
I turn onto my stomach and turn it on. . .feeling it buzz
against me. The sensation is too much and I shut it
right off and continue to think. I wonder what will happen
on busy days when I have little time at home. Will I
have to take part of my lunch break to go to the bathroom
and make myself cum? This question embarasses me.
It makes me feel slutty and naughty. It enforces the idea
that, while I might seem totally in control and bossy
in my vanilla work place, I might be secretly sneaking
away to rub my pussy for my master.
I wonder also, will it make me hornier? Will I become oversexed?
Will I become so conditioned that I am begging for stimulus in humiliation in
front of my master? I turn the vibrator back on
and feel my heart start to beat while my hips bump forward and
back against it. My mind is now very aroused, and my body is
slowly catching up. My mind is a haze of excitement and
the sensation is too much. I take the vibrator away again.
And I drift to sleep in exhaustion. I can't have been asleep
for long. I wake up and my breath is still ragged. I am
drifting in and out of conciousness like one does in class.
I would like to put the vibrator away and go to sleep. But
I can't. And this thought excites me terribly. I realize
that this order has done something new to me.
Before, you controlled my orgasms until you gave me permission
to cum. When permission was granted, I had an orgasm that was mine -- for me.
With exquisite crushing weight of reality, I know now that every time I cum,
that orgasm will belong to you. No matter how good it might feel to me, or
how much I want to
cum, it will not be mine. This thought frightens and pleases
me so much that I find myself squirming up the bed. . .pressing
hard against the vibrator and occasionally stopping to lick
my fingers. . .wet with myself.
I start murmuring to myself. . ."Oh. . .oh. . .oh. . ." as my excitement grows
and I start to remember how it felt the last time you took my orgasm from me.
The last time I felt that my orgasms were
not my own was the time you gave them to other people. It
was the weekend you went away to Troy on business. Before
you left you told me that if I was not allowed to climax
unless someone was listening to me. And that person
had to be someone who had never heard me cum before.
But that wasn't all. You told me that I had to come twice
before you came home. Once with a woman listening and
once with a man listening.
I remember that you made me call someone who I had never
before spoken to, and masturbate to orgasm for them. I
remember the embarassment of knowing that will always
be her first memory of me. I remember how small and
needy I felt afterwards. I remember how nearly panicked
I was. I remember wanting to hide in your pocket and cry.
Not bad crying mind you, but overwhelmed crying. It was
very powerful to know that you could make me, Laurel the
good girl, call someone up and cum for them like a common
slut. No, it was very powerful to me to know that you
could *make me* into a slut.
For you -- anything. I was owned. Not just my body, but
all the accompanying facets of me. You could give my sexuality
away with a single order. You could take my privacy from me.
You could take away my choice in who I was intimate with.
You could give away my cries, you could give away my orgasms,
you could give away my body.
With that memory I had to turn off the vibrator and be
still. The memory still takes my stomach and knots it.
I remember that it was edge play. It was not just doing
something that I already wanted to do. It was changing
my image of myself. And I did that, willingly. I took
gratification from the idea that you could take my
image of myself and mold it into something to your liking.
I like that you can take me and make me into exactly
what you want.
I find myself dreaming again. My body is still swaying
slightly against the sheets, but I have drifted to sleep
again, thinking of how I had called that man who I'd
only known through email and masturbated for him because
you wanted me to. God, how lost I felt later. It was
a shame you were out of town. I needed you more than
ever. My submission hit so far down that I couldn't do
anything without asking permission. I was asking our
friends, even the subs, if I could please eat dinner now,
or get dressed now, or use the bathroom now. I was
incapable of coming out of subspace for three days. It
scared the hell out of me, frankly. It also set in motion
the longing inside.
The longing inside you just touched with this rule. To
give you a part of myself and make it yours. I turn
the vibrator back on and start to gyrate. I cannot stop
thinking that I feel your collar at my throat (even though
it isn't there). I can feel your control over me as
clearly as if you had your hand on my throat. I can hear
my breath loud in the still of my room. And suddenly
I am cumming. . . "Oh . . .god. . .ohhhhhh. . mphttttt." I
bury my face in my pillow and bite it. And then I don't
remember anymore. I woke this morning with the
vibrator still underneath me.
I know this isn't anything really hot master, but I
wanted you to know how deeply you affected me
last night and to let you see into my heart and head.
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