Switch

An  "X-Files"  Fanfiction


                                                             by  Mary  Abel

"You won't get away with this." Mulder shouted.  Steel laced his voice,
steel reinforced by the Sig Sauer he held in his right hand, and backed
up by the Walther PKH Scully held.  The agents stood next to each other
in the midst of a mad scientist's laboratory.  Strange things floated
in jars.  Ghastly looking devices, like the nightmare creatures of a
Maytag repairman blinked and hummed and buzzed.  The target of their
guns, and their investigation, threw back his head and laughed madly.

"I won't get away with this?" he asked, when the deranged titters had
died down.  "You're the ones stepping over the line...  you're going to
regret this."

Scully spared a glance for Mulder.  "Is this guy kidding?" the look
plainly asked.

Mulder shrugged.  "You are under arrest.  Please come quietly." he
said, moving his nasty looking gun to underline the request.

"Come quietly?  I never go anywhere quietly." The fugitive flipped a
switched.  Mulder was bathed in an ice blue glow.  He jerked as if he
had been shocked.

Scully hissed with fury.  No mad scientist bastard was going to hurt
Mulder.  She jerked Mulder out of the beam, whatever it was, then fired
off two shots.  The first one made contact with flesh, a brief gurgling
scream spiraled up.  The second shattered whatever machine the bastard
had trained on Mulder.  A giant shower of sparks went up.  The light
intensified.  Then a small explosion.  Scully tripped and landed on
Mulder's body.  A second, pale green light washed over them both.

   Voices filtered through the restful darkness, becoming more and more
insistent.

Finally, when they wouldn't shut up, or be incorporated in Scully's
pleasant dreams, she opened her eyes.  "I'm awake." she said, somewhat
grumpily.  For some reason her voice sounded deep and froggy.  She
cleared her throat.

"Well, hello there." A nurse stood over her, holding one hand, taking
her pulse.  "I knew you would eventually."

"Where am I?" Scully asked, wondering vaguely why the nurse was looking
at her like that.  It seemed...  intense.  Personal.  Almost intimate.
Like the nurse was checking her out.  A thought occurred to Scully and
she blushed.  For all she knew, the nurse was checking her out...  it
wasn't unheard of, after all.

"Vernon General Hospital.  You've been out for a couple of hours."

"Is my partner okay?"

"Fine.  She's in the next room.  In fact, I think she wants to talk to
you rather badly.

Scully nodded.  Then something struck her.  What pronoun had the nurse
been using?  She opened her mouth to ask, but found a thermometer
shoved into her mouth.

"Keep that in there.  I'll be right back.  Your partner wanted to know
as soon as you were awake."

Scully watched as the young woman swished out the door in her peach
colored scrubs.  She felt very strange, like she had missed something
of major importance.  She looked down.  Her legs seemed to stretch a
long ways down the length of the bed.  And her feet.  They seemed to
have grown.

Gathering her courage, Scully lifted the sheet and peered down into
cavern.  She saw something there that made her head swim.  With a gasp,
she let the sheet fall.

What the hell was going on?  The question echoed in her head.  The door
opened.  She looked up.  She saw her body walking towards the bed,
swaying almost drunkenly.

"What the fuck is going on here?" she hissed.  Again, her voice seemed
deeper than usual.

The person in her body held up a hand.  "Wait Scully, don't flip." It
was her voice, but Mulder's tone and rhythm of voice.  "Something
happened in that lab." he continued, trying to hike himself on the edge
of her bed.  He kept sliding off.  Finally, he hissed and jumped up
onto the bed.

Scully glared at him.  "No shit, Sherlock.  What the hell are you doing
in my body?" she growled.  With Mulder's thicker vocal cords, it came
out rather impressively.  She stretched out her arms and regarded her
long fingered, unquestionably a man's, hands.

"What happened at the lab?" she said, lowering her voice dangerously.
Mulder raised one pale gold eyebrow.  It was bizarre to see his
expression on her face, but Scully could not let herself concentrate on
that.  That way lay madness.  She cultured her anger and outrage
instead.  It was the only path to sanity.

"Careful Scully, you keep doing that, you're going to get laryngitis.
As you can see our minds have been switched."

"Yeah, but how?  When?  How do we fix it?" A terrible, horrible though
struck her.  "What if we can't fix it?  Where's the bastard that did
this to us?"

Mulder slumped.  "Escaped.  I don't know if we can fix it.  We'll just
have to wait and see."

"Wait and see?" Scully asked, frustrated pulling at her sheet.  It
popped loose at the end of the bed and Mulder's feet were revealed.  He
stared at them, fascinated.  "Oh god, are they really that big?" he
asked.

"Shut up Mulder.  Get out of here, so I can get dressed."

Mulder looked at himself.  That was weird.  Definitely this case was
going to have a place in the X-files Hall of Fame.  "Scully?" he asked.
"It's not like I've never seen that body naked before."

"Mulder if you don't get out of here...  I'll do something horrible."
Scully sat up in bed, looming over her body.  God, she was short.  She
resisted the urge to pat it on the head.  "Get out of here, now."

Mulder looked up at his partner.  Damn, he was tall.  Was this how it
always looked when he stood close to Scully?  "I give.  I'll go arrange
our release." he said, jumping off the bed.  He felt like a Munchkin,
but he knew better than to tell that to Scully.  He walked out of the
door, tightening the robe around his body.  That reminded him.  He
looked down at his (for now) chest.  Jesus, he was sick.  Interesting
perspective, but somehow they did more for him when they were on
someone else.  He shrugged and walked into his cubicle.  Now, to get
dressed.  That should be fun.

Scully got of bed when she struck by a sudden urge.  "oh god." she
moaned, then walked slowly into the bathroom.  A minute later she
walked out, almost smiling.  Boy, that had been fast.  And not nearly
as messy.  She could, almost, get used to this.  Sort of.  Maybe.  A
sudden thought occurred to her and she smiled brilliantly.  There were
some advantages to being a in a man's body.

"How the hell do you tie these things, anyway?" Scully grumbled looking
at herself in the mirror.  So far, she had managed to get everything
on, except the tie.

"How you doing Scully?" Mulder asked, walking in.  Scully looked over
at him and repressed a smile.  For some reason, despite the obviously
feminine form, he still looked like a man dressed as a woman.  Maybe it
was the way he walked, with his body loose, taking large steps.  But he
had managed to get everything on, right side out.  Thank god she had
been wearing pants.

"Fine except for the tie.  Give me a hand here.  And you better start
calling me Mulder - and I'll call you Scully.  Otherwise we'll have
more problems than we know what to do with."

"Okay, Mulder." Mulder said.  The name came out awkwardly.  He pulled
on the tie, and began to twist it around.  Unfortunately, he had never
had to tie a tie facing it and did no better than Scully had.  Finally
he sighed and whipped it off, putting it around the neck of the body he
was currently occupying.  He tied it perfectly, then loosened it enough
to pull it over his head.

Scully took it with a smile.  "Thanks, Scully" she said.  She pulled
the loop of silk over Mulder's head and tightened it.  "How do I look?"
she asked.

"Remarkably similar to how I looked when I left the house this morning.
C'mon Mulder, we have to spring ourselves from this joint." he said.
This time there was almost no hesitation in front of his name.  Vaguely
he wondered, if he had to, how he would explain this to Skinner.  It
would probably end up with garnering free passes to loony bin.  On the
express train.  If it wasn't actually happening to him he would think
they were crazy too.  He straightened his shoulders and prepared to do
battle with another fearsome force.  The admitting desk of the
hospital.

   The mad scientist, otherwise known as Luther Krebs, kept rubbing his
hands together with a gleeful little chuckle.  He'd certainly shown
those Feds, hadn't he?  And it was all thanks to his little invention.
One hand snaked out and patted the small silver box.  This was his
ticket to money and fame.  Now, he had to get those fibbies and keep
them alive until he could prove to his backers that his invention
worked.

Unnaturally bright brown eyes narrowed and he pulled on a hank of
colorless hair.  This was going to take some help.  The only problem
was who was he going to trust with this very important job?  This was
going to be tricky.

   "Hey, Donna, two live ones at table 12."

The fair-haired waitress sighed and heaved herself up from the
comfortable perch.  The lunch hour crowd had passed and she had hoped
for a moment to recuperate.  Apparently it wasn't meant to be.  Pulling
out her order pad, she walked over to table twelve, appraising them
silently as she came near.  The guy was hot, dark and a little moody
looking.  His suit looked expensive, and his tie, decorated lavishly,
was woven of silk.  She figured him for some kind of professional, a
lawyer maybe.  The woman with him was pretty in a sleek, well groomed
way.  The hair was lovely though.  Donna wondered what shade it was and
if it was natural.  She would give a lot for hair like that.  They both
looked a little travel weary.

"Afternoon.  What can I get you?" Donna asked with a smile.  The woman
smiled widely back at her while the man looked down at his menu.

"I think I'll have the Caesar salad." he said, "With the dressing on
the side.  And iced tea."

Donna raised a silent eyebrow.  A guy as thin as him was watching his
weight?  Usually it was the woman's type that ordered like that.

"And I'll have the double cheeseburger, fries, and a chocolate shake."
the woman said, closing her menu.  Donna nodded, trying not to let her
reaction show.  It wasn't the weirdest order she'd ever gotten but the
woman certainly didn't look like a calorie junkie to her.  "Okay, I'll
bring that out as soon as I can.  If you want anything else, just let
me know, okay?"

Mulder and Scully watched as the waitress walked away.  Scully noticed
that Mulder's eyes were lingering a little longer than necessary on the
woman's retreating form and almost kicked him in the shin.  She was
stopped only by the fact that the shin she would be bruising was
ultimately hers and she didn't trust that Mulder's big feet wouldn't
actually break her leg.  "Mu- Scully!" she hissed.

Mulder looked over at his partner, a wide eyed look of innocence
shaping his features.  "What?" he asked.

"Don't start that with me." Scully answered.  "I saw the way you were
looking at her and unless you want me to start giving your phone number
to cute guys, I suggest you keep your eyes to yourself for the
duration.  Got it?"

Scully's head nodded in a decidedly rebellious manner.  Scully, trapped
in Mulder's body, decided she really hated his mannerisms in her body.
It was unnerving.

"What are you trying to do anyway, ordering like that?" she went on.
"You want me to gain ten pounds?"

Mulder looked wounded.  "Scully, I think you're trying to starve me.
Believe me I know that body and a salad is not going to hack it.  Do
you have sunflower seeds handy?"

Scully frowned.  "Not on me."

"We can get some later I guess.  I don't think you appreciate how much
fuel it takes to keep that body going."

"Well, I don't think you appreciate how much work it takes to keep that
body looking like that.  Why don't you eat the salad and I'll have the
burger?"

Great, Mulder thought, not only am I short but I also have to eat
rabbit food.  Scully better appreciate this because not every man would
understand her point or even be willing to listen to it.

   Krebs waited outside the restaurant, rubbing his hands together
madly.  The hulking man next to him looked disgusted but kept his mouth
shut.  His name was Herman.  He hated assignments like this.

"Are you sure they're in there?" Krebs asked, hands pausing in mid-rub.
Long pale fingers twined together like snakes.

Herman looked away.  He hated snakes, too.  Only for his bosses would
he even be here.  "I'm sure." Herman answered in a remarkably high
voice.  He looked carefully at Krebs to see if the man found the
disparity between his voice and his body strange.  He couldn't help
that because of his special treatments he still sounded like he was
twelve.  His bosses had told him that it was a side effect of the
hormones and it couldn't be helped.  A thought occurred to him.  What
if...  with a slight shake of his head he put it away for later
consideration.  Maybe.  "That's their car, right there." he said
pointing.

"Why don't we go in?" Krebs asked impatiently.

"Because the bosses said we should let 'em eat." Herman answered.  It
sounded like a prerecorded response and Krebs knew better than to ask
anymore.

   Scully patted Mulder's lips with a napkin and let out a small, polite
belch.  "Excuse me." she said, taking a sip from her water glass.
Mulder stared at her with longing in his eyes.  The small Caesar salad,
dressing on the side, that Scully had forced him to eat so that she
could keep her figure had disappeared in a couple of bites soon after
it had been set down in front of him.  Since then he'd been staring
over at Scully as she devoured, using his digestive system and
metabolism, the giant cheeseburger and fries he had originally ordered.

"Are you done?" Mulder asked sullenly.

"Yes, I am.  I'll even pay for lunch."

Mulder smiled, satisfied, until they walked up to the register and
Scully fished HIS wallet out of HIS suit and handed over HIS credit
card.  "Hey!" he yelped.

"What is it SCULLY?" Scully asked meaningfully, leaning over to sign
the slip with a approximation of Mulder's scrawl.

Mulder met the inquisitive eyes of their waitress, behind the counter,
and subsided.  "Nothing, Mulder.  Let's go."

The agents stepped out into the sunlight.  A giant fist came flying out
of nowhere and laid Scully, in Mulder's body, down and out.  Mulder, in
Scully's body, had to put up with the humiliation of having an unknown
entity jab him with a needle.  He fell to the ground, ruining the knees
of Scully's slacks, unconscious.

Krebs rubbed his hands together maniacally.  "We've got th-em." he
sang.  "I'm going to fa-mous.  Aa-nnd ri-ch.  La la la la."

"Shut up." Herman said, hefting both agents and stuffing them into the
waiting van.

Krebs shut up.

   Mulder came awake with a groan.  Only one thing was in the forefront
of his mind at the moment and that was relieving the pain in his head
before it pounded his skull to pieces.  He rubbed his head for a good
five minutes before realizing his hair was a lot longer than he
remembered and it smelled...  sweet.

He groaned again.  Damn, he was still in Scully's body.  He had hoped,
faintly, that it had been a dream.  Admittedly if it had been a dream
he would have seriously considered psychiatric treatment but at least
he would be in his own body.

"Scully?" he whispered.  Wherever they were was dimly lit and very
small.  They had been dumped on the floor, and Scully was curled up
next to him.

He shook the broad shoulder digging into his side gently.  "Dana, wake
up.  C'mon, we need to get out of here before Dr.  Strange out there
decides to experiment some more."

It was weird enough to be in Scully's body.  He definitely didn't want
to experience life from say, a chicken's perspective.

She groaned in much the same manner he had upon waking and opened one
bleary eye in his direction.  It must have been exceedingly startling
to see her own face staring concernedly down at her for her other eye
opened and both widened.  In a minute or so, she was upright,
reasonably aware and rubbing the bump that had formed on the back of
her head.  Or rather his head.  Whatever.

"Get the number of that truck?" she asked with a half-hearted smile.

"Momma said knock you out." Mulder replied with a stronger one of his
own.  "It had vanity plates."

"Never thought I'd appreciate the fact that most people don't see me as
a physical threat." she said, still rubbing her head.  "God."

"Don't worry.  If the way my stomach is feeling right now is in due to
the joy-juice that they injected me with, then I'm really glad you're
the one that ate the cheeseburger."

Scully turned distinctly green and clutched her stomach.  "Don't remind
me."

Silence then, while both surveyed their surroundings.  Nothing helpful:
six flat surfaces painted with grey, peeling paint.  A door, with a
sturdy lock.  A single light, 25 watts max.  It looked like they were
in a storage closet.  An extremely well cleaned storage closet.

"Damn.  Don't you wish one of us were MacGyver?  We'd be out of here in
five minutes." Mulder said, leaning back against wall.

"With that handy Swiss army knife.  I'm going to start carrying one of
those around." Dana answered glumly.

"I'll buy yours if you'll buy me mine." Mulder replied with a sidelong
glance for his formerly petite partner.

   An hour or so later, after walking in dizzyingly small circles around
the floor, pacing and trying to restore circulation to their limbs,
they slumped against the wall again.

"What the hell is the jerk waiting for?" Scully asked, thumping her
fist against her thigh.  Alarmed, she mentally corrected herself.
Mulder's fist.  Mulder's thigh.  She wanted to get back into her own
body.  Soon.

It was too bizarre being this tall.  She kept hitting his head and
tripping over his limbs.  She could see that the difference in
physicality was taking it's toll on Mulder too.  He kept reaching for
things that were too far away or too high up and forgetting to cross
her legs or keep her knees together.  His depth perception was off too.
The situation had to be corrected and soon.  There was no telling what
kind of weird effects this "transference" was having on them,
biologically or psychologically.

"Maybe he's trying to figure out his next plan of attack." Mulder
suggested.

"Or maybe he's waiting for someone to show up." Dana said grimly.

"Who?"

"Who cares!  He's a scientist, right?  That means he's hungry for money
to fund his research.  A thing like this could set him up for life.  We
have to get out of here before we end up as permanent zoo exhibits."

"You're right Scully." Mulder answered.  As usual, he added mentally,
with a sigh.  "Pound on the door a few times.  See if anything
happens." he told her.

"Why don- oh.  Never mind.  She got to her, no his feet, dammit.  She
got to his feet and pounded on the door and shouted.  After a few
minutes she paused, then listened.  "I think someone's coming." she
whispered.

Without a word, Mulder positioned himself at her back, ready for
anything.  They were prepared for anything but what happened.

The door creaked open, slowly, as if the person opening it didn't
really want to.  "Hello?" a voice called.  "Don't hurt me.  I'm here to
let you go."

Mulder and Scully exchanged glances.  One look was all it took.  They
retreated to the opposite wall, still on the defensive.

The man that appeared was none other than the idiot that had gotten
them into this mess.  Mulder paused.  "Aren't you the one that did this
to us?" he asked.

Krebs looked at Mulder and light in his eyes was decidedly saner.  "You
should know, Agent Mulder, appearances can be decieving.  I'm here to
fix this."

Mulder paused.  "I thought you were the one who did this to us."

Luther Krebs' eyes looked plainly up at Mulder.  There was a decidedly
saner light in them now.  "You, of all people, Agent Mulder, should
know that appearances can be deceiving.  My name is Herman.  The
government used to me to test the effects of growth hormones.  My real
body is a monstrosity and I'd rather die than go back to it.  When I
was given this assignment I immediately grasped the implications.
Using Krebs' machine, I switched bodies with him.  And now, I'll switch
you back and let you go, if you like."

"If we LIKE?" Mulder yelped, incredulous.

"Why?" Scully asked.

"Why am I letting you go?" Herman asked.  "Because I've spent most of
my life in a lab or under controlled conditions.  I was only let out on
little assignments like this, when my employers needed the muscle.
Bastards.  This is my chance at freedom and there's no way I'm going to
force you two into the hell I've just escaped from.  If I were you, I'd
forget this ever happened.  Tell your superiors that you never caught
up with Krebs.  If they ever found out you were switched, they'd never
stop looking for Krebs.  Or for me."

"Where is Krebs?"

"In the lab, tied up.  He won't bother you now.  He can barely walk.
The change in physical structure was hard on him."

"Well, if no one else has anything further to say, let's switch."
Mulder said, looking from Scully to Herman.

Both nodded.

   Twenty minutes later Mulder stretched and was pleased to feel his
fingers brush the ceiling.  He ran his hands over his face and never
thought he would be so glad to be in his body.  Scully was thinking
much the same, though she'd gone for a hairbrush as soon the as the
paralyzing effects of the mind switch beam had faded.  For some reason,
probably the fact they were returning to their own bodies rather than
getting used to new ones, the negative effects of the beam were
negligible.  Mulder felt like half a million bucks.

"AAAAAGGHHHHHH How will I live in this Neanderthal body?" shrieked
Krebs.  He was in the corner, tied up neatly with very strong rope.
Herman told them that he intended call his superiors with the new from
a safe distance and on an untraceable phone.  They could deal with
Krebs and the mess.  Right now, he was methodically pulling apart the
machinery and stomping it to bits.

Scully and Mulder, still smiling widely, waited at the door until he
was done.  The sun, setting in the west, sent streaks of bright gold
light into the lab.  Krebs still wept and gibbered in the corner but
garnered no sympathy.  Herman paused and shook their hands before he
left.

"Thanks." he said simply.  "If you two hadn't gotten switched, I never
would have been called.  I'd still be stuck in that body." His distaste
was evident.

"No problem." Mulder answered easily.

"You're welcome." Scully told him.  "Take care."

Herman nodded and smiled.  Then he started out to the parking lot,
ready to make his new life.  Mulder and Scully followed him, walking to
their car.  As Scully slid into the car a second after Mulder, he
glanced quickly and superstitiously at her chest.  Yep, they certainly
did a lot more for him when they were on someone else.  Thank god.
Especially, he added in a deep little part of his mind, if they were on
Scully.  With a fond smile and he started the car and reached for his
sunglasses when the light stabbed his eyes.

"What do you have that goofy look for Mulder?" Scully asked, leaning
back and closing her eyes.

"Nothing.  Just wondering how to write this up."

"Don't bother.  I don't even believe it happened and I was there."

Mulder thought for a moment, remembering, and nodded.  "Yeah.  I guess
you're right."

"As usual."

"Don't rub it in."

Silence.  Then:  "I'm starving."

"As usual."

"How about dinner?"

"Perfect."

The car became a dark silhouette as it headed into the west.

Fin

                                   1