Date: Fri, 27 Feb 2009 22:31:02 -0800 (PST) From: RE Subject: In Over My Head Part 7 In Over My Head Part 7 Transgender/high school Part 7 After I returned home, I really started to have some serious concerns about the charade I was playing. For one, I was getting tired of playing the hide and seek game with my mother. Second, I never really saw myself as a real woman- I was a bi guy that leaned toward the gay side, and was leaning that way even more after the past week. I never truly wanted to be a woman, but I wanted to hook up with guys, especially straight guys that I fantasized about. My feelings were so confused. I liked the feeling of a guy treating me like 'his girl.' And I had really started liking Drew, but after today I had began to wander if he wasn't just using me to get his rocks off. I mean, he didn't really act like he wanted a boyfriend kind of relationship and maybe I was ok with that. To be honest, I was starting to feel more of a friendship with Joel, who wasn't showing any romantic attraction toward me at all. On the other hand, the sexual encounters with Drew were really thrilling, and I didn't want them to stop. I also liked the attention that he showed me, but I felt like I shouldn't lead him to believe that our relationship was going somewhere that it obviously couldn't go. I wandered if maybe I should tell him that we could just be friends- but 'friends with benefits' since that seemed to be what he wanted anyway. On top of that, as cute as Drew was, there were other guys showing me some attention that I really wouldn't mind hooking up with, too. I wouldn't put it past Drew- or maybe Brenna- to be telling other guys at school about what I had done with Drew. I felt like I was getting in over my head. When Drew got off of work later in the evening, he called me from the store. "What's up?" he chirped. "Just doing homework and watching TV," I answered. "I've been here by myself all evening." "Need some company? I can swing by. Or we can take a drive out to the Lake if you want," he suggested. "What do you have in mind?" I teased. "Well...you could sit on my lap and we could talk about the first thing that 'pops up,' " he said in a lame attempt at humor. "You just want sex, don't you?" I said, lightheartedly- but I meant it. "Welllll.....don't you?" He giggled. "Is that all you want?" I asked. "Be honest. I won't be mad." "I like sex. I like you. I thought you felt the same," he said, skirting the question. "I like you too. You are cute, and you're fun, too. But I get the feeling that this is mainly about getting your thrills." There was a long pause, and I knew he was weighing his response. "Be honest," I said. "Ok, I don't plan on getting married, or anything like that, if that's what you mean," he said, seriously. "I don't want to marry anybody," I answered. "But Drew, it's ok for you to say that you like me, you like sex, but you don't really want to commit to anything more than that, if that's what you feel. Because I'm feeling the same way." "For real?" he asked. "Well, yeah, for now," I answered. "So, we can be friends, but still....mess around, too?" He asked, incredulously. "Most girls won't do that." "It's called a 'friend with benefits' in California. And I'm ok with it. Right now, I'd prefer it," I said. "Does that mean we can see other people, too?" He asked. "I guess so," I said. "And you can....uh...do it with other guys, too? I'd like to know about it if you do..." he said. "What? Maybe I will, maybe I won't...it just depends....I'll have to see," I laughed. "You got anyone in mind?" "Oh, I know a few guys that would be glad to nail you," he laughed. "But you gotta get me some action, too." "How about Joel," I teased. "Blaah! Gross!" he laughed. "But Rachel would be ok. Put in a good word for me." "Turn about's fair play. Who do you have for me?" I asked, half joking, but considering the possibilities. "Who do you want?" he asked. "I get a choice?" I asked. "What about that blond cowboy dude- the one that wears cowboy boots and a big belt buckle. The tall one." "Justin? You mean JUSTIN? Oh, God, he'd give anything to take you up to the lake. Just say the word." "Don't make me sound too eager! Just drop a hint, and see if he takes the bait," I suggested. "I'll do better than that," he said. "Just wait and see. Is it too late for me to swing by?" he asked. "No, it's not even 8:00. But we better go to the lake, instead of being here when my mom comes home," I warned. Be there in a half hour. About 40 minutes later in pulled up, and I headed out, locking the door behind me. When we got to his pickup he said, "Surprise! Merry Christmas! I got you a present!" He opened the door, and said, "You can sit between me and Justin!"