Date: Fri, 20 Mar 2009 18:54:55 +0100
From: mailtomatt@ymail.com
Subject: Toni The Book Chapter 1

Some time ago I published a short story; titled TONI on Nifty. I did not
get many comments, but the ones I got were very nice and I decided to make
a book out of this story.

One of the nicer comments was from Mardee Louise Prynne, who writes
fabulous tranny stories herself and who told me that the name Leanbaby was
silly. Therefore I changed the name for the book into LaneMacLane.

I published this long version also on www.scribd.com (I don't know whether
Nifty likes the mentioning of competition, but then scribd is not really
competition for them). Because I feel that the target audience with Nifty
is better I decided to publish here too.

Now for the disclaimers, I admit that I copied them from one of the other
publishers because I think it says it all.  This work of fiction is for the
non-commercial use of its readers.  Permission to copy and distribute
through electronic media for non-commercial purposes is granted.  All
commercial and non-electronic rights are reserved by me, the author.
Please do not read this story if you are offended by adult material,
reading this material is illegal in your legal jurisdiction or, if in the
United States, under the age of 18.  It ain't like this disclaimer is going
to stop the determined, but I got to try.  But let's get on with the story.

By the way if you want to comment, write to www.mailtomatt@ymail.com

TONI IS A TRANSGENDER LOVE STORY

There may be parts about sex, intercourse, masturbation, paedophilia, BDSM
and the likes but in the end it is a romantic love story.

Dedicated to Toni

What would have happened when...

Chapter 1

The night promised to be beautiful. All the elements to create a winter
fairy tale were available. The night sky was partly clouded with the
promise of snow on the horizon. It was crispy cold with a mild dry
north-western wind blowing and temperatures below zero. The streets and the
picturesque inner courts were white, as snow had fallen for the bigger part
of the day. The markets were fields of white, on which only some tracks of
footprints and occasionally of tires were visible. The frozen canals and
the white roofs gave the scene all the optics of a medieval town in winter.

Normally on nights like this the people would be at home dining together
before leaving their houses. They would go to the small ponds and canals,
of which there were many around the town, to skate or just gather in the
moonlight and socialize with friends and acquaintances. For young people
such evenings were tailor-made to make new friends especially from the
opposite sexes.

At such occasions little stalls would have been erected that would sell hot
chocolate, with or without alcoholic additions, for a few nickels. Also
tonight the historical center of the medium sized town of Delft, in the
Netherlands, seemed to be waiting for an evening full of joyful activities.

But a closer look showed that the town was strangely quiet. The factories
did not show any activity as their chimneys were smokeless. The historical
railway station was deserted and the rails of the yellow streetcars did not
show signs of any recent traffic. Even the waterway through the city was
frozen, which normally never happened as ice breakers would keep it open
during the entire winter.

On this night of the 13th of February 1945 joyful activities were not
programmed. Instead the sound of sirens suddenly tore through the night, as
they had done ever more frequently during many nights in the last years.
Winter nights were not welcomed anymore by the people in the town as an
invitation for mutual entertainment. Especially this winter was different
as the cold was not seen as a possibility to gather cozily in front of the
fireplace. This winter, which was colder than previous ones, was feared as
a life threatening enemy.

Even when the clouds obscured the moon from time to time the snow made the
night almost to day, but the clearly visible streets lay deserted. The only
person visible was a man on a bicycle who speeded, as best as he could
through the snow, along one of the canals. At one of the bridges he was
stopped by some men in uniform who asked him something. After he indicated
at one of the nearby houses they looked at each other and made room for
him. The man sighted relieved. It was known that people, who were stopped
by soldiers during the nightly curfew, did not always return to their home
and he knew from the rumors that they were deported to labor camps.

The man entered the house he had pointed at and after a short time he came
out again in the company of a man, who was wearing the sign of a doctor on
his left arm. A closer observation of the streets showed that no lights
shone from the houses. This was strange in the country that was known for
people who did not draw curtains before their windows at night. Equally
strange was that many chimneys did not smoke, as they would normally do on
winter evenings.

Reason for this atypical situation was that Holland was in an undeclared
war. Since almost five years Holland was an occupied country. This winter
would go into the history as the hunger winter, killing tens of thousands
of people because of lack of food and heating. In a country that normally
did not know scarcity of these elementary needs of life.

In the country side long queues of visibly starving people from the cities
blocked the roads. These people were begging the farmers for food. But even
the framers themselves had nothing eatable anymore. The trees in the city
streets and parks were torn down and cut down to small pieces under high
risks. The punishment when people were caught doing this was instant
deportation. But the starving people had to obtain at least wood for
heating as all coal, which was extracted from the mines in the Southern
part of the country, was reserved for the occupying forces.

This winter followed a summer of high hopes when the news-casts, which were
heard with the hidden radios in almost every house, had spoken about the
successful conquering of the southern part of the nation. As Holland is cut
in half by the rivers Rhine and Meuse, the allies just had to cross them to
free the rest of the country. The catastrophe however started to take form
when these allied forces met unexpected heavy resistance, trying to cross
the river Rhine in the most Eastern part of the country, near the city of
Arnhem.

Like on most nights of the winter the sounds of the sirens got company from
a dull rumbling sound. This sound grew louder and louder until it was a
steady rumble underlying the sounds of the sirens and could be recognized
for what it was. Airplanes by the dozens were cruising high in the night
sky. The people knew also from the allied news bulletins that they were
bombers, which came from old and new airfields that were situated all over
England. This was also an indication of the turn of the tides. In the
beginning of the war airplanes from the East had flown over Holland to
England in an effort conquer also that country.

Now the bombers were flying to Germany, the country that had started this
war that would become known as the Second World War.  With their
"Blitzkriege" the Germans had conquered almost all of mainland Europe.  Now
their luck started to change as ever more allies were fighting them. They
came from the West after the D-Day invasion in Normandy and from the South,
where they had entered the mainland after a grueling desert battle, from
the Northern part of Africa. Both campaigns were at the price of an
unprecedented number of human lives on both sides.

Another big reason for the changing tides was that the Germans had taken
the war to the Russian tundra's. Here they met unexpected resistance by
badly equipped but fanatic Russians who burned everything when they had to
retreat in the end. The biggest problem however in that country of endless
plains was not the opposing soldiers but the Russian winter. Together with
the policy of burned earth they found themselves cut off from effective and
regular supplies from Germany.

A third sound mixed itself with the others when the staccato of the flak
batteries started. Their efforts to hit one of the planes were unsuccessful
as the planes were much too high in the night skies. Further to the East
the flak batteries would take their toll amongst the airplanes when they
had to descent to unload their unholy cargos. Some times during the days
other bombers would return to drop their loads in Holland. During the days
however they would bring food and even during such humanitarian flights the
flak batteries tried to gun them down.

This night would go into history as one of the nights in which the town of
Dresden was bombed. In an effort to force Germany into surrender this
southern German was transferred into an inferno that was even unseen in
this war to end all wars. Whether the bombing was a revenge of the British
for the destruction of Coventry earlier during the war never has been
cleared completely. But this brutal act may have been one of the reasons
for the official capitulation that would follow some three months later.

The doctor and his companion were leaving the old town center, crossing the
railroad tracks they were heading for an apartment building on the Western
outskirts of the town. They entered number 10 and after some time the sound
of a crying baby could be heard from the apartment, which was prove that I
Matthias Doesburg was born

My early youth was in a country that started a furious reconstruction of
the havoc brought on it by the war. Factories had been dismantled and
shipped to Germany. Harbors were destructed and also the residential
districts of towns at the North and the South of my home town were severely
damaged. Rotterdam in the South, the biggest harbor of the nation, had its
centre severely bombed in the beginning of the war by the frustrated
Germans when the Dutch did not surrender fast enough.  The Hague, the Dutch
seat of government, in the North was bombed erroneously by the allied
forces who took it for a German town during one of their numerous air-raids
on Germany.

Delft however did not show many material aftereffects of the war and so it
was possible for me to spend a rather uneventful and carefree youth, living
in a family with two sons. Leonard, my older brother by four years, was the
pride of my father and quite different from me. My father had succeeded in
being the manager of the community car fleet. Still he had always regretted
that he had not had the possibility to become an engineer.

Leonard from the very beginning showed all the interests in mechanics that
I lacked. On top of that four years were a rather big difference. Combined
with my disinterest in technical matters, they were the reasons that I was
not very close to my brother. Still it is always good to have a big brother
when arguments arise, especially with children in the neighborhood and at
elementary schools

When I was five or six years old we moved from the apartment, where I was
born, into a house. Many new housing projects were started some six year
after the war. Many of them went away from apartment buildings. Middle
sized houses were built for middle to higher incomes. A house with a
garden, however small that might have been and plenty of rooms, meant that
the family had really arrived in the middle class. I got a room for
myself. Although it was the smallest of the three bedrooms, it meant a
level of privacy that you don't have when you do have to share with an
older brother.

Another sign of the development towards a more middleclass society in
general was the steadily growing number of motorcars on the streets. Before
the war cars were only for the very rich and not yet common property as in
the USA. Some six years after the war our family got its first
automobile. It was not a big American type of car but a Volkswagen, built
in Germany. The old enemy country was the foremost beneficiary of the
Marshall plan. This program was started by the Americans to help the
European countries to get back on their feet again. Germany developed into
one of the mayor industrial countries in Europe within a short time. This
US decision would prove itself to be one of the wisest political moves
ever, especially as it secured that the Western European countries could
stay away from the ever growing Soviet influences.

So we got a car but, in our street of about fifty families, we were only
the fourth or the fifth to have such a luxury. I had split feelings towards
this new means of family transports. I used to sit behind the drivers of
the big busses that brought us to the part of our family who lived in a
town some 30 kilometers away. My biggest wish at that time was to become a
bus driver. Also the voyages to the part of the family that lived farther
away were now made by car. The railway rides had always been a
highlight. The first leg was made with trains fronted by old steam
locomotives. Midways we changed into electrical driven trains. Now we went
by car in which there was little to no heating.

One of the immaterial aftereffects of the war was the turning back to lines
of conduct, which were embedded in the religious values that had been at
the cradle of the Dutch nation. The late twenties and the beginning of the
thirties had been known as decadent and wild. The big recession and
subsequently the war had brought the people back to more austere values
again.  I remember from my early youth that church services were always
very well attended. A result of the turning back to these old values was
that for a big part religion held the society in its grip with strict and
sometimes oppressive rules of behavior.

One of the indications of this narrow-minded Calvinistic looks on life was
our beach culture. Children had to wear bathing suits on the beach. The
Germans, who returned already in hordes some five years after the war did
not have such problems. Being Lutherans or Catholics, they had their little
children playing naked in the sand. When we wanted to do the same we were
always called back and told that this was not a decent thing to do. Being
children we did not understand why it was allowed to them not to us of
course. This narrow mindedness would gradually but steadily change during
the following 20 to 25 years and make Holland ultimately into the liberal
country we know today.

My visits to churches however had another effect on me: it triggered my
love for music. And music in churches meant pipe organ music. My first
encounter with music in general, which would play such a big part in my
life, was organ music and I devoured it. I delayed my parents, when leaving
the church on Sunday, to be able to hear the organ to the end of the usual
improvisation.

Delft had several historical churches. The organs in these churches were
not as impressive as some of the famous organs of Haarlem, Alkmaar or
Amsterdam. Still they were well known though in the national organ
society. Their organists also belonged to the best of their profession. I
always was and still am impressed by the sound of these Kings of
instruments when they fill their massive cavernous buildings with their
majestic sounds. Although other music would take over soon in my life I
would always keep a special interest in this kind of the musical spectrum.

During these early years of my life I also heard modern music but not as
consciously as organ music. I still remember songs by The Artie Shaw Band,
Teresa Brewer, Doris Day, Perry Como, Frank Sinatra and Lionel Hampton to
name only a few. Especially Hampton with songs like Hey! BaBaReBop and
Hamp's Boogie Woogie was an early prophet of things to come. These songs
had fascinating and rather up tempo rhythms. We in our family at that time
did only have a radio at home and no record player, which meant that we
heard of these songs just by chance.

At home I was frequently searching this radio for organ music. I found some
programs that were broadcasted weekly. Occasionally I also was able to hear
parts of the broadcasts from the improvisation-competition at the organ of
the St. Bavo church in Haarlem. This yearly returning event was one of the
highlights in the organ music community. As far as I know the festival is
still organized today. I surprised my environment when they found out that
I recognize several organists without hearing an announcement but simply by
listening to their playing style. When I renewed my interest in this kind
of music later in life, I never got this ability back however.

I learned to know the magnificent compositions of Johann Sebastian Bach,
Johann Pachelbel and Dietrich Buxtehude. At that time the programming of
organ concerts was almost always centered on the German school of
composers. Other composers, who were featured in these concerts, were Jan
Pieterszoon Sweelinck, an early Dutch composer and Cesar Franck, a Belgian
born organist who worked in Paris and could be seen as a member of the
modern school.

When I was about 8 to 9 years old I even got my father to buy me a
harmonium, which was a kind of organ for home use without pipes. I started
learning to play with vigor being instructed by my father but soon lost
interest. Even a visit to one of the big organs in my native town did not
renew my interest in playing. One can say that this visit was my first look
behind the scenes of music. I still remember it as an awful experience. I
was awed by the organist who played all music basically without any written
notes. I was very impressed by this ability. It also discouraged me though,
as I was convinced that I would never reach that level of musicianship. But
that was not the only reason. There were many new influences in my life
that got ever more important.

One was discovering girls. Girls I soon found out were different and nicer
to look at as boys. From very early on I had girlfriends. Some of them even
hardly knew that they were my girlfriends. Others stayed on my list of
wishes forever. When I was between six and eight years old I had my first
sexual experiences. Before that time I already stroked and touched myself
but I still had to discover masturbation.

The first experience I had however when I was six or seven was not with a
girl but with a boy. With a friend who lived in our street and who went to
the same school as I did. We spent a lot of time together and in a nearby
park we hid frequently in the bushes and showed each other our little dicks
but we did not really dare to go any further.

Holland is a country with much water and it was and probably still is
customary to learn to swim at an early age. After one of the swimming
lessons, we attended during the early evening, I took the initiative. I
crept under the dividing walls of our changing booths that started 30
centimeters over the floor to his booth. I chose the moment well as he was
as naked as I was. Seeing him completely naked was exiting. He was a lean
boy with a small dick and no body hair at all.

I asked him whether I could feel his dick and he did not object. He even
came closer to me and took my hand. It felt strange but also exiting to
feel somebody else's member. He was small after having been in the cold
water for almost an hour. He in turn, took my dick, which was also
shrunken, in his hand and we slowly started to jerk each other off. I got a
funny feeling in my stomach. The feeling became more intense, especially
when I felt his dick stiffen as did mine. We both intensified our grips on
each other's hairless members. While we were starting to breath heavier we
started to masturbate each other seriously.

Right in this heated encounter however, my father who had come to collect
us, called from the corridor what took us so long. Both of us were shocked
back into reality. Both our dicks went limp instantly. I scrambled back but
probably my father had seen something. That night I saw my father really
mad for the first time. Even when I had broken a window on purpose some
time before this incident, he was not as mad as at that moment.

The result of his anger, combined with the spanking I got, had me loose all
interest in boyfriends. Still I do have wondered later about what would
have happened if we had come to an orgasm together. Would I have liked the
experience so much that we would have done it over and over again? Could it
have been the beginning to become gay later in life?

The second time was shortly after this experience and with a girl. The girl
was a niece who lived in another town. When visiting this family it was
custom that I shared a bed with her. I again made the first move as I dared
her one evening to feel me up and let me to do the same thing with her. I
told her that I wanted us to investigate the difference between boys and
girls. She agreed and so we put down the trousers of our pajamas. I got my
first feel of a hairless pussy. It was great. She had no dick and after I
stroked downwards over her belly I came upon a miniscule butt. Further it
went along two parallel kinds of lips going downward to end in a little
bridge. Crossing this little bridge I could feel her back hole. I found out
that the lips could be parted and that I could push my finger in. Behind
the lips she was a little bit wet and she moaned when I entered her. She
however took my hand and told me only to stroke.

The experience got me butterflies in my belly again. That night I did some
serious petting, which she stopped much too soon. Niece Mona was probably
the more advanced child in the end. I am relatively sure that she did so
because she was close to changing her mind regarding my fingers entering
her.. Still she had me feel her up one or two times after that. My first
experiences with genitals were both with hairless specimen. Maybe that was
the foundation for my later preferences for shaven pubes. It probably also
made me shave my own pubic hair, when it started to grow some years later.

After these first experiences with sex that were purely on a curiosity
basis, I also discovered how to masturbate. I found out that my dick
stiffened also when I stroke him myself. I did it rather it frequently
until I started to ejaculate and wetted my bed. When my mother found out I
had a very serious session with my parents. They told me that that was not
done, period. They did not threaten me with blindness or incurable
diseases, so I had to find a way to masturbate without wetting bed spreads.

I found out that I could push my seed balls up into a kind of pouch under
my belly. This done I could tuck my dick backwards between my legs. I was
not circumcised and I could rotate my foreskin over my cock head with my
index finger. After some time I felt my cum building up but I now could
prevent it from squirting out by pressing my tights together. In that way I
could masturbate without leaving evidence of it on bed sheets.

During another session with my father, which I remember taking place during
a bicycle tour of father and son, he more or less informed me about the
facts of life. As far as I can remember he did not tell me anything that I
did not know already. The sharing of the bed with my niece after these
talks was over however. I do not think that they suspected anything about
our stroking games. They just decided that we were too old now to share a
bed.

Another reason for losing interest in organ music was my growing taste for
secular music. The first pop song I actually remember was The Tennessee
Waltz by Les Paul and Mary Ford. I must have been ten and was impressed
with that breathtaking sound of a guitar, an instrument that would also
play an important part in my future life. I noticed the arrival of Bill
Haley and The Comets, who created a new hymn for all youth in the world
with Rock Around The Clock. I was eleven when things really started to heat
up.

>From that time my searches for radio programs changed from organ music to
modern music. Soon I found out that there were hit parade programs early
Saturday afternoon. I also discovered Radio Luxembourg. This station had an
English program that played the music that was heard by the English
teenagers. As far as I can remember they featured a hit parade on Sunday
evening, which became a must to listen to for me.

Another boost of my musical interests was that our favorite nephew Ben, who
was some eight years older than me, bought a record player. During visits
that were rather frequent at that time, I was allowed to play his
records. Leonard who was not interested in music occupied Ben, who was an
auto mechanic, with technical matters. As there was always work to do on
Ben's car, I had the whole show for myself.

Now I really discovered popular music by endless replays of records by
artists like Chuck Berry. Only much later I realized the importance of this
artist and his guitar driven pop music. I heard Fats Domino, The Platters,
Guy Mitchell, Johnny Ray and Little Richard and The Diamonds with Little
Star.  The latter were a one hit wonder but one of my all time
favorites. The biggest of them all however was of course Elvis Presley. He
not only impressed with his music but because he was our example as a
rebel. It goes without saying that parents in general did not like this
kind of music.

In this group of artist there was one who was peculiar: Little Richard. His
music was even wilder than that of Elvis. His image was that of a kind of
transvestite wearing make-up and loud woman-like clothing. These topics
made him even more of a rebel than Elvis. But his gender image was never
discussed, at least not in Europe at that time. The majority of the young
rock and roll fans to which I belonged, did not know what they were seeing
anyway. Now we can say he was dressed as a drag queen, with a moustache. At
the time however nobody knew what that word meant and it was done away as
the eccentrics of a stage personality. Still he was an early herald of the
things that were still under cover and that would stay there for years and
years to come.

As long as I can remember I always was a fan of America. The fact that
almost all artists I heard during this time were American increased my
interest and liking for this country. Another push towards American ways
and life styles was a visitor from the USA to one of the neighbors. This
man had taken his car, a Chevrolet convertible, with him to Europe and I
loved it. For some time I saw it every morning when I went to school. I
could not pass it without admiring it for some minutes. I also got to talk
to the man who told me that that kind of cars were common in America. I
started to collect pictures of US cars and since then I like them even when
some of the European cars are technically better. But what did a German
reporter say once after testing a Cadillac: "Maybe the Germans invited the
automobile but the Americans certainly invited driving in them".

When I was twelve I went from elementary school to high school and I found
new friends. I found my first real girl friend although our affair did not
last long. Angie was the first girl to get me the butterflies in my stomach
by just looking at her. Of course we did not have sex but our kissing
compensated greatly for the lack of more intimate contacts.

One of the new male friends played guitar. Because I had already started to
learn song lyrics by heart, we formed a nameless duo in which we both sang
while he played the guitar. This duo performed during school festivities. I
still remember we had a special success by playing Jailhouse Rock. The
reason for that was my duplicating Elvis' hips movement at which almost all
boys laughed. But I saw admiring glances from many of the girls. Still to
sing without playing the guitar was not cool of course and I wanted a
guitar too.

This however was not easy as my father was reluctant to spend money on
another instrument, after the disaster with the harmonium. The only way to
get one was saving for it and that's what I did. My first guitar was a
cheap one. In Europe at that time western acoustics were not much in
fashion. The nearness of Spain, with his rich tradition of guitar based
music, resulted in many cheap Spanish guitars in the market however and I
got one of those.

Although my father was very skeptical I surprised him tremendously by
learning the rudimentary ways to play guitar all by myself. After our first
efforts as a duo my friend and I formed a real band. We found a piano
player, a drummer and a bass player. The latter was a child of its
time. Young bands did not have money for the real instrument and bass
guitars were rare and expensive too. That is why he played bass with a
device that was based on a tea barrel with a vertical pole attached to one
of the sides. There was a string (a thin rope) going from the top of the
pole to the middle of the barrel top. Our bass player was able to have this
device indeed sound a little bit like a stand-up bass.

The repertoire we played was basically of Elvis Presley. But when Cliff
Richard appeared on the scene we adapted many of his songs. This artist
together with his backing band The Shadows had an unbelievable impact on
us. In England, as well as in the rest of Europe, the rock and roll fever
in the States had initiated many young people to start making this kind of
music.

In England initially this did not result in the same kind of rock and roll
productions as made in the USA. They opted for a kind of simplified
Rockabilly that became known as Skiffle music. These bands frequently had
the tea barrel bass and washboard drums in their line-up. The best known
representative of this musical direction was a group lead by Lonnie
Donnegan. This group found many copiers. Cliff as well as the members of
the Shadows also came from this scene. Their first records were no Skiffle
music however but genuine rock and roll with songs like Move It, Mean
Streak and Dynamite. He and the Shadows took England by storm and
subsequently also the continent. Strangely enough they were never able to
repeat these huge successes in the USA.

There were some other groups from England that were at least as interesting
though. One was Emile Ford & The Checkmates with their hit What Do You Want
To Make Those Eyes At Me For. The other one, who was really an omen of the
things to come, was Johnny Kidd & The Pirates. Their hit that would be
copied some decade later one to one by several Beat /Rock groups was
Shakin' All Over. Both of them would not stay on top very long though.

Theses groups showed us the way to make music without a big orchestra and
to become famous anyway.  Although Cliff would stay on the charts in Europe
for decades to come, he is not seen by many people as a big influence on
rock music. This is probably because he tended to alternate rock & roll
songs with orchestra backed ballads. This was genuine middle of the road
music and was more directed at girls and their mothers.. Every rock fan, me
included, hated this side of him that became ever more prominent during the
years.

The influence of The Shadows on popular music was definitively much
bigger. They were basically a guitar quartet with Hank B. Marvin playing
lead guitar, Bruce Welch rhythm guitar, Jet Harris bass guitar and Tony
Meeham drums. After their hits together with Cliff Richard they started to
make their own records as a separate act. Their first hit was Apache. Many
followed like Quartermasters Store, 36-24-36, Kon Tiki, Wonderful Land and
Dance on. Also they did not become big in the USA however. That country was
not ready yet for English artists but that would change dramatically.

It was the guitars they played though, which started the revolution and the
trends that would ultimately lead to The Beatles and the English dominance
of the pop music in the middle sixties. The guitars were products of
Fender, the American pioneer of the solid body electric guitar. Their
products up to that time were almost solely known, at least in Europe, from
some Country & Western acts.

After The Shadows made the solid body guitar popular there were copiers
like Egmond in Holland, who made a very cheap looking guitar. In Germany
there was Framus, which would become known because Bill Wyman used one of
their basses during the first years of the Stones. However when the
would-be guitarists found out that it was relatively easy to produce your
own guitar many of them did so. Some of these home made instruments were
even better than some of the badly copied commercial ones.

Of course we did not play only songs from Elvis and Cliff. Some of the
other songs were from artists like Paul Anka especially Lonely Boy and Gene
Vincent's Bebop-a-Lula. Also The Everly Brothers were represented with
songs like Bird Dog, Poor Jenny and All I have to Do Is Dream. All these
songs were a must for all four to five men bands. Another must was Buddy
Holly, who also had many songs that found their way in the repertoire of
many amateur bands. I as the lead singer in our band got my first
impressions what was necessary to excite an audience.

We played on several school parties and even got some gigs outside of my
hometown. At one of these out of town venues I had an odd experience. We
played during carnival time when everybody at dances dresses up. That
evening there was a girl whom I really made eyes at. When I even started to
make advances she walked away laughing. One of my fellow band members asked
me whether I had not noticed that she was a boy. Man I can tell you that I
was happy not to have made a bigger fool of myself on that night.

The band may have had potential as there were some good players in
it. Because the members where not really friends and not really close
knitted the end came after two years, when the individual members all went
their own ways.

After the split I kept practicing on the guitar and even bought a second
hand electric one. It was a KAY acoustic guitar with a home made pick-up,
but I was happy. During that time I tried to get into other bands but it
never worked again.  I remember though that I helped another band in the
neighborhood with their first beginnings.

High school was the time to really dive into the chasing of girls. I
befriended several in our class. Still at that time at the end of the
fifties young teenagers were sexually illiterate. Of course there were
stories of girls our age that got babies but generally the girls in that
time kept their legs together, as we said amongst each other. Even when we
found one who was prepared to go further we did not recognize the signs, so
generally only kissing was on the program.

Some of the girls would allow some feeling up but others even refused
that. Even at heir age they were afraid that that would make babies. It
goes without saying that these ideas changed and progressed with every year
we got older but compared with 12 to 14 year old teenagers of today we were
hopelessly backwards and innocent. To our defense I have to mention that at
that time the pill was not yet invented. On top of that it was difficult to
buy condoms under the strict norms of the Dutch society during that time

When I was sixteen I met Maddy. She was a girl living in the same street as
a girl in my class. I met her the first time at the end ball of a dancing
course. Maddy became my real first love and my first steady girl. Our
mutual friend had been sure that she would not want to know about me. The
reason being that she was two years older than me; I conquered her by storm
however.

We both liked music although she was more of an Elvis fan while I was into
Cliff Richard and the Shadows. We loved movies and we frequented the five
cinemas of my hometown. There was however one flaw in our affair. She lived
ca. 20 kilometers from my home in a village in the country side. That
resulted in me riding by bike every weekend day to her home and back. But
in the beginning that was no obstacle for a young Matt in love. I had
fallen for her smile but she also had a fabulous figure with very long
legs. Her hair was rather short and together with her small breasts she had
a kind of boyish look, which would become my criterion in my judgment of
women.

Of course I did rarely volunteer to master that distance four times a day
by going out in my town. So I read a lot and stayed with her and her
parents. Still this all was bearable when the time to say goodbye for the
day came. We went from heavy petting to hand jobs and when we were asked to
baby sit at one of the neighbors we both lost our virginity. I still
remember that she had the presence of mind to bring towels at the occasion.

That evening after having checked that the baby was asleep we undressed
each other oh so slowly. We had seen many examples of how to do that in the
movies. I marveled when her BH came down and she showed me her small but
very shapely breasts that had some very pert and hard nipples. Her figure
was beautifully lean and sporty from riding bicycling every day to
work. Obviously the Dutch national means of transports has its
advantages. My dick reacted with an erection that was almost painful and
close to exploding.

This was the first time in my life I saw a real girl completely naked. In
that time we did not have internet and the availability of sex magazines
was also worse as today. She had a flat belly that was bordered below with
some fluffy pubic hair. Luckily not so bushy that it made her pussy
invisible. I had not shaved my pubes, since I knew her. I had been afraid
that she would not understand such a behavior and would have thought I was
gay. Everybody who acted outside the norms in that time was suspected to be
gay.

I laid her down on the floor and I moved up on her between her legs. She
was very passively when I entered her. I was very careful and continued
slowly. I hoped not to hurt her when the moment of losing her virginity
came. I felt the mild resistance and when I passed her hymen, I felt like
passing the gates of heaven. After that crucial moment her initial
passiveness vanished and she became a softly moaning ever so sensual
woman. She kept on trusting her abdomen up to me, as if she never had
enough of me inside her.

I came much too soon and being still within the rather rigid rules of
behavior of our time we did not know about alternative sex games nor
foreplay or after play. I asked whether she liked it which she confirmed
and she rewarded me with a kiss. In retrospect I suspect that she did not
have her first orgasm on that evening. We probably were also shocked a
little bit by our own bravery of fucking each other. Luckily enough there
was almost no blood after our first lovemaking It was the only time that we
really fucked, which in its turn may have been one of the reasons that the
affair did not last.

Still this first sex experience with each other was a good one. It hit us
however also that we made love without any protection. Preservatives were
hard to get and consequently we did not use them. The following weeks were
a long wait for her next period but the experience was worth it. After it
we were back to making love standing up in the laundry kitchen. This was of
course in no way as good as lying down. I did not dare to penetrate her
again because one of her parent might have checked us out at any time. This
situation did not compensate for my longing to party with friends and to
roam the juke joints in town for a very long time.

Although she was even invited by my parents to spend the holidays with us
the end came inevitably. It was accompanied with many tears and accusations
that I could not do that after taking her virginity. My first try was
aborted and I continued for another month but the seed of freedom was
stronger. After that month I put an end to it. When the final decision was
made the geographical distance between us made the separation a lasting
one. I only saw her very sporadically afterwards.

The following days and especially the next weekend I regretted my
move. There were no new friends, male as well as female, waiting in the
shadows. Initially I was alone. That changed when I met Hank an old buddy
from elementary school. He was part of a group of boys that did exactly
what I had in mind. They partied; played cards together and roamed the juke
joints in town. With seventeen we changed from café houses and snack-bars
to real bars. First of all we frequented the bars and terraces that were
situated along and near to the big historical market place. Later on we
also discovered the ones that were in neighborhoods that our parents would
not have approved to. Of course to us these were the more interesting
places.

In bars that served alcohol you actually had to be eighteen but those rules
were not applied very strictly.

The girls I met during that time were rather diverse. The ones from the
"bad" bars were the most exiting. They were generally more advanced than
we, as far as drinking and sexuality were concerned. With them it was us
who were the more careful ones. The wilder sexual games we played with them
might have led easily to unwanted consequences. We were pretending to be
rebels. We also knew damn well though, that coming home which a girl from
those parts of town because she was pregnant would be a real scandal that
could better be avoided.

But some of the other girls (from the better parts of town) might have been
promising. The problem with some of them, whom I really liked, was mostly
that they happened to be Roman Catholic. Although Holland was on the verge
of becoming the liberal country that we know today, these girls had grave
inhibitions to bring home a guy from another religion.

Hank also liked music but his taste was completely different. He was a fan
of Frank Sinatra and I also became mesmerized by this singer after
listening to his music. During that time I got my first record player and
the first records that I bought were by Sinatra. I really dug deep into it
and used the bigger part of my allowance to buy his records. I collected
the first dozen of releases on his self-owned label Reprise. I also bought
many of the Capitol albums that were still on the market.

The album that became a lasting favorite was The Concert Sinatra. This
album with songs like Lost In The Stars, Old Man River and Soliloquy from
the musical Carousel is one of his all time bests. To me it has almost
classical musical dimensions. The conductor on this album was Nelson Riddle
who was frequently used by Frank. The swingiest albums however were with
Billy May the conductor arranger with whom Frank had wanted to cooperate
from the beginning of his Capitol years. I especially liked these albums
like Come Dance With Me and Sinatra Swings.Other artists who were in the
same class were Nat King Cole, Dean Martin when he felt up to swinging and
Tony Bennett for example. The female singers in that style were Dinah
Washington, Pearl Bailey, Peggy Lee, Sarah Vaughn and of course Ella
Fitzgerald.

By listening to these singers I started to interest myself also for the
musicians behind them. On their best records they were backed by some big
names from the big band scene, which of course is a part of jazz
music. Especially through Sinatra, who I always regarded as a jazz singer,
I came to know Count Basie, who made two albums with him, Duke Ellington,
who cooperated on one album, Johnny Mandel, Neal Hefti, Quincy Jones and
other key persons from the world of jazz. Another side effect of listening
to this kind of music was to learn more about the beauty of the English
language. Especially Sinatra was an artist who had a very special talent to
play with words. Sometimes even to the chagrin of the original text writers
and or composers.

Still I kept an open eye for the things that happened in the world of
popular music. At the beginning of the sixties things started too
change. After the so called Bobby period with American singers like
BobbyVee, Bobby Vinton, Bobby Goldsboro and Bobby Day amongst others, there
was a new sound: Surf music. Happy go lucky music by The Surfaries, Dick
Dale & the Deltones, Jan and Dean and The Beach Boys.

Shortly after Radio Luxembourg played tracks by these groups, especially
The Beach Boys were embraced readily by the British market. Shortly after
that they started to broadcast also more music of new English groups. We
were introduced to groups like The Hollies, The Dave Clark Five, Gary and
the Pacemakers and The Swinging Blue Jeans. The ones that really got us
into their spells however were The Beatles and The Rolling Stones. In the
beginning nobody had the slightest idea that we were witnessing the first
signs of a revolution in music. This new movement that was called the
Mersey Beat would have an impact on society that until then was believed to
be impossible. This music would shake the American market in its
foundations and become known there as the British invasion.

It was an exiting time partying, listening to music, acting cool, starting
to mix alcohol in our Coca Cola's, rotating girl friends and playing the
rebels. We were not really rebelling against any rule but maybe just
bending them from time to time. Altogether it was even a rather quiet time
although the big youth revolts that would rock especially in France and
Germany a few years later were already in the making.

My parents gave me relative freedom. Although during that time I also met
my father's correcting hands from time to time when I went too far, I lived
a carefree live. I finished high school and started a study of architecture
at the technical university of my home town. After having flunked the
examinations in the second year I dropped out again. At that time this was
not the disaster it would be today. The possibilities for non academics to
make a career in life were much better than today. Altogether I don't think
I really knew what I wanted at that time.

To be continued.