Date: Sun, 21 Jun 2009 07:11:10 -0700 (PDT)
From: Matt Doesburg <mailtomatt@ymail.com>
Subject: Toni Chapter 10

The knowledge was not easy to digest. During the week following the
confession, I unconsciously drew back from her. I could see first signs of
the old sadness creeping back into her eyes, but I could do nothing against
it. I constantly though about the things she said and tried to understand
them. The more I thought about it, the more confused I got. I took the
video tape with me and locked myself in the office. I watched it over and
over again, looking for signs and indications. They were there but I did
not like them. Both girls seemed to be happy to be there. Now I saw that
they were both smiling at the private party. I saw the longing look in
their eyes when they waited for the fountains of sperm. These expressions
could not all be played. What reason could a forced person have anyway, to
feign longing and pleasure? Especially confusing was the scene of Toni and
a big black man. He must have been Horace himself, who died in the fire
afterwards. In this scene he asks her whether she want to go away. I heard
the answer before, but had though she had been forced to say it. Now it
created a physical pain and words cut through my hearth.

"No Master, it is Toni's destination to be here and serve you. I will
gladly do all the things you want with whoever you want. I am a big love
tunnel, from my mouth to my ass pussy. These holes and my hands are only
there to serve and give pleasure".

After Toni told me the complete story story, I wondered now how close this
statement had been to her actual state of mind.

I went crazy over the situation and had to talk to someone about it. Male
friends were out of the question and I did not know other transsexuals well
enough. I shortly thought of Nicolette but judged against it. The ones that
were left were Terry or Mel. I called Mel to meet me in the New York
apartment. When we met we first went to dine in The Windows Of the World on
top of the World Trade Center. During dinner we talked about Eric and the
family. We talked about my plans and the projects in the pipe line. After
the dinner we went home. As soon as we entered the apartment, she grabbed
my arm and asked me what was wrong with Toni and me. I smiled meekly at her
and told her that I wanted to show her something. I also told her that this
meeting should stay between us, at least for the time being.

In the living room I started the tape recorder and the television set and
gave her a big Whiskey. "Is it so bad?" she asked and I nodded. I started
the recorder and showed her the tape from New Orleans. While she was
watching Mel did not say anything. After the end she kept silent and
vigorously fought with herself not to cry. Before I asked my big question,
I needed to know her first impression. Upon my question she answered: "Poor
Toni. Matt is this how she lived for more than 2 years?" When I nodded, she
continued: "The poor girl must be signed for live. Is she braking down
after this? Is that the reason you look so awfully worried?"

There and then I broke down. With tears in my eyes, I gave her the answer:

"No Mel, Toni believes that she stayed there without trying to get away
because she liked this life. I don't know what to do with that
confession. Can you help me?"

After having said that, I cried too. Next to me, Mel was sitting on the
couch with a face sculptured in incredibly white marble. She was silent
until the moment when I stopped my worst sobbing. Then she exploded. She
jumped on her feet, stood before me and slapped me in my face three times,
while screaming:

"YOU FUCKING BASTARD. YOU NO GOOD LIAR. YOU ARE USING THIS TAPE AS A
FUCKING EXCUSE TO GET RID OF HER. NOW, WHEN SHE NEEDS YOU MOST"

I was speechless, because this reaction hit me fully unprepared. She ranted
on about her poor sister, who had been gone through such an ordeal. Now she
was thrown away by me, because I regarded her as unclean. I was worse than
her parents. They had at least told her from the beginning what they
thought about her. They had not waited for a fucking video tape to throw
her out. And so on, and so on. At the end she wanted to storm out and I
could just barely catch her before she opened the door.

I forced her back to the couch and sitting on my knees in front of her I
told her: "No; Mel. I love your sister even more than ever. But what I said
is true and I cannot cope with that alone. You must help me, because if you
don't, I don't think I can live with it". Having said that, I buried my
head in her lap and cried uncontrollably again. I do not know how long it
took before she took my head with two hands and lifted my face towards
hers. She kissed me, deep and long and afterwards she said: "I am sorry
Matt. Can you forgive me for my accusations?"

After that we talked. We talked for more than 12 hours. I started by
telling her the whole story as Toni had told it to me. Afterwards I said to
her that I as a normal hetero man was not able to lead such a life. It was
only possible as a masochistic or gay slave and then probably only in a
small group. A woman however could go to the red light district in
Amsterdam, or the equivalent in all other cities in the world. They could
put themselves on show and for hire to anybody who wanted her. Toni had not
done that. But when she found herself in the power of people, who used her
to do much more than the normal prostitute, she accepted it. I started the
recorder again. I had duplicated the awful scene of her declaration of
servitude to Horace at the end.

Again I heard Toni Say: "No Master, it is Toni's destination to be here and
serve you. I will gladly do all the things you want with whoever you
want. I am a big love tunnel, from my mouth to my ass pussy. These holes
and my hands are only there to serve and give pleasure".  Now, I saw Mel
cringe at every word.

When the screen got dark again I told her about my doubts whether this
statement was forced on her. Now Mel cried, but after she dried her tears,
we could get to some serious talking at last. I asked her whether she had
ever contemplated prostitution in her life. She shook her head but told me
that I had said something that might be the key to Toni's
behavior. Prostitution is probably the most female profession in the
world. Somewhere in Toni's mind she might have developed the idea that when
she was accepted as a prostitute, especially in an all woman environment,
she would be more of a woman.

She continued by saying that my inability to understand her was also true
for her, although she was a woman. The reason for that was that we were
both different from Toni. Mel grinned at me and informed me that she did
not need such confirmations because she knew she was a very seductive
woman. I returned her hint with a big smile. Her statement that, being with
Marge, had made her more of a woman was another indication that Toni had
been on a quest for womanhood. We both were of the opinion however that she
had gone too far, especially when she started to accept the life in the
Mansion. We directly found the excuse for her though. We both assumed that
it was an intended result of forcing big quantities of heavy drugs on her.

During the long conversations I also made a confession to her. Although I
hated the tape, I kept getting back to it. I also told her that I got a
hard on every time a saw the tape. Mel told me not top worry about hat. She
was turned on by it too and that was normal. We were both open mined people
as far as sex was concerned. The movie, which by the way was done very
professionally, was especially made to create that reaction. If it would
not have been Toni on the tape we would certainly have been turned on a lot
more.

In the end Mel told me to confront her again with the story as well as with
the tape. She told me to talk with her. I should try to find out whether
this was an episode of her life that was now closed, or whether she still
was still good for surprises. I feared that the latter may be the case. I
promised Mel though that I would do it and keep her informed.

A month later, after coming back to LA, I did confront Toni with the
tape. She watched with growing fear in her eyes. After the last scene, the
duplicated one with Horace she started to say something. I motioned her to
keep quiet and started my interrogation.

I stood up and loomed threatening over her on the couch. I posed my
questions in a harsh cold voice.  Was she turned on by watching the movie?
She confirmed.  Did she want to go back after seeing the Mansion again?
After a short hesitation she said no.  If Horace would have been still
alive and order her to get back, would she do it? The hesitation got longer
and that frightened me. The answer was evasive. She said he was not alive
anymore to ask such things.  Was her declaration of servitude to Horace
real? She looked bewildered. I could clearly see that she desperately
searched for another answer when she said that she thought so.  So you
accepted him as your master? She confirmed again.  Why? Now she really
looked trapped. "I think because he fed me, he dressed me, he let me be
with Runa , he chose my lovers and most of all he secured my dreams".  And
now with him being dead, was I her master? She immediately said: "N Matt,
you are the love of my life".  Would she accept me as her master if I
wanted that? Again there was a hesitation and a whispered yes. I saw doubt
and more fear creep into her eyes. I wanted to take her in my arms, but I
had sworn to myself to ask all the questions.

I told her that I decided that I wanted to be her master. New Orleans had
destroyed the possibility for a normal relationship. I did not want to send
her to another master so she better should answer right away. I saw a
strange expression on her face. It was as if she had expected this. I knew
that expression because I had seen it long ago in Delft, just before I
stormed out of her little apartment.

She whispered a yes.  Upon my cold remark that I did not hear her she
repeated: "Yes Master".  I asked her whether I could take her to a club
that night and have her fucked by whoever I choose. She looked bewildered
again and the fear grew. The answer was: "Yes Master".  I told her that I
liked to see rings on her. Would she accept nipples and cock rings? And big
ones I added. The answer was: "Yes Master".  Would she accept a slave band
around her neck and the tattoo that declared her as my slave? The answer
was: "Yes Master".

At that moment the doorbell rung and I told her to undress and open the
door.  She did as she was told and came back blushing. She carried a big
parcel from a local sex shop. I told her to open it and put the contents on
the floor in front her.  After a while the following items were laying
before her: Several huge dildos/vibrators.  Butt plugs in several sizes.
Legs spreaders A collection of whips including some mean looking riding
crops.  Mouth clamps and gags.  Nipple clamps and weights.  Clamps that
could be fixed on top of the ball sack and heavy weights to hang from them.
Hand cuffs and other shackles.  Blindfolds.

I told her to attach the legs spreader, which she did.  I told her to plug
her butt and had her pick a bigger one repeatedly before I was
satisfied. It was really a big specimen that I would not have wanted up my
ass. She also had considerable difficulties to shove it up her bottom as I
refused her any lubricants. She had to lower herself on the device which
was difficult with the spreaders. When the plug at last passed her star
hole, she held her breath and I saw pain cross her face. I could not help
myself but I was aroused. Next came the weights for her balls and the
nipples. When she had everything in place I connected them with a rather
heavy chain. In the middle these chains were held be a ring and from that
ring was another chain. That was the one I grabbed to drag her to the
patio. I let her standing there and went back to grab handcuffs, whips and
the blindfold.

I first told her to attach the handcuffs to one of her pulses and I
blindfolded her. After that came the hardest part as I had to give her
three blows with three different whips. I told her that to find out which
whip would be hers I would test three of them. The first one was a cat of
nine tails. When I hit her the tendrils curled around her body but she did
not make a sound. The second was a riding crop. Because she could not see
it coming the blow was unexpected and caused her to moan a little, but she
kept her stand. The third one was a rod and when I hit her with that she
jumped and cried. I saw a welt on her bottom and some small droplets of
blood.

I had dreaded this part of the interrogation. I found out that I had been
right, but for a completely unexpected reason. After that third I had an
unbelievably strong urge to continue. I wanted to continue, to humiliate
her, to see more welts on her back. I wanted her cringing at my feet,
kissing them. How would she look like with a tattoo over her dick saying
that she was my slave? How would I feel when I would watch her being fucked
by men that I gave her to? My dick hardened by the thought to have her
ringed and I could hold her by a leash. I wanted that total power over her
and I was close. I was much to close for comfort and the realization of
that will spook me for the rest of my life.

But was it love? From her side?  Probably yes. But was that also true from
my side? I shook my head to get rid of all these confusing thoughts. As
harshly as I could, I told her that the next blow would be on her belly and
dick. After that I told her that after her initial whipping, she would be
my toilet slave until the next morning. I gave her the mouth clamp and told
her that before she put that in place and before I would close the hand
cuffs, I wanted to hear her declaration of servitude.

Now she started to tremble over her whole body and with an unsteady voice
she said:

"Master; Toni is ready to be punished. You may hit me as hard as you wish
and I will revel in each blow".

I told her as harshly as I could that that was not the declaration I wanted
to hear. Before she could answer I saw her dick twitch and she started to
pee uncontrollably. She started to cry and between her heartbreaking sobs
she said:

"Ooooh Matt, please don't do this to me. I know you are right when you say
that I deserve it. I can understand that you want to have the services from
me, that I gave others. You can have that any time you want it. Even if you
are not satisfied by that and want more, I will do it. If you want me to be
a prostitute again, I will do so. If you want me to be fucked and tortured
until death, I will do that for you. But please do it yourself, don't give
me away to others. I will comply with everything and my last words will be
that I will always love you. If you want me to say the words I said to
Horace, I will do so. From that moment on however I will be your
slave. From that moment you can give me to anybody you want because you
will have absolute power over me and I will serve you unconditionally. Only
Mat, you will be my master and not the love of my life anymore".

After that she was silent. She stood before me, a beautiful woman with a
dick in cruel bondage. The tension on the patio could be cut with a
knife. She was at a cross roads between love and unconditional
surrender. Between being a wife and a slave. I could see tears rolling down
from under the blindfold. I was turned on in a way I had never experienced
before. I realized that could understand now what she had meant when she
had said that she was afraid of herself. My heart took over however and
told me that I wanted to hold her and that I wanted to kiss her and I asked
the question that I had planned to the end of this charade:

"Will You Marry Me?"

She passed out.

I was just able to catch her, before she fell flat on her face. When I laid
her on the floor I sat next to her. I was exhausted and only could sit
here, hoping that when she came back she would be the old Toni. When I got
her on her feet again, we firstly got rid of the gadgets together. I told
her to put on her clothes again. After that, I took her to our spot on the
beach. I gave her a big whiskey and told her only to listen. I started to
tell her what had happened with me during the time she was away. She knew
of course about the beginnings of the Vesna plans as we had still had been
a pair when I moved to Los Angeles. My wild life in Laurel Canyon was new
to her.

I told her about the big help that Mel and Eric had been. It was me who
told her about the way her youngest sister had become a lesbian. I talked
about her initial preference for young girls. When I saw the shock on her
face I told her that she had fallen in love with and Paula whom she had met
already and that I had not seen young girls since that time anymore..

She was exited because she found out that there was much girls-talk due
with her sisters. I told her also that she had been an anonymous investor
in my movies and other projects in the meantime and that she should not be
surprised if she looked at her bank account in one of the coming days. I
talked about the preparations for new movies at the moment that had nothing
to do with Vesna.

One was close to release as the premiere would take place within a month
and was the life story of Robert Johnson an early blues singer who had
always fascinated me. This movie would start my reputation as one of the
best producers for musical movies. I found somebody who was firstly an
excellent blues musician by the name of Jim Mason and although he did not
look very much like the late Robert Johnson he had the same burning
eyes. During the first castings where he sang some of the Robert Johnson
songs I got goose bumps and together with the director I experimented for
over a month to get this excitement on celluloid. At the end of the month
we had a viewing of a short concert Movie by Jim and at the end the
professional viewers were standing on their chairs.

The other was the filming of a story that I knew from my youth in Holland
about the love between a mermaid and a sailor. Basically there were
parallels in this movie with our own story. The story had the same name as
the mysterious mermaid: Runamara. I was kissed upon that news and than I
came to my big question.

I knelt before here on the beach and asked her again to marry me and there
it was again the sparkle in her eyes flaming up while she whispered "YES
Matt, why did you not ask me before" on my answer of "Dunno, must have
forgotten it" she attacked me furiously and we rolled laughing in the sand.

After that we talked about her wish to get transgender surgery. I told her
that I wanted to marry her before such an operation. "You can call me
sentimental or a romantic but I want to marry the Toni I met in Delft, the
Toni who walked in front of me from the cinema to the diner. The girl with
the unbelievable long legs and the eyes that could melt ice bergs.  I want
to marry the girl that I left staying in her room when she opened up to me"

That night before we went to bed she came into the room with night
drinks. Sitting in front of me on a small stool and sipping her whiskey she
said:

"Thank you for today Matt. When you started with your questions I thought
it would be a game. But then I noticed that your eyes were cold and your
voice was so harsh and commanding. I became afraid and my fear grew by the
minute. Was that my Matt, my loving Matt? But it was all so very logical.
You did a splendid job by convincing me. I was in a turmoil Matt. I wanted
to be with you but you made it icy clear that I could only stay as your
slave. I wanted to object but could I? I had been a slave for more than
three years and didn't I tell you myself that I liked it?

At the very last moment, just before I would put the mouth clamp in place,
I knew that I had to fight for you. At that moment it was suddenly clear to
me that New Orleans was not the Toni I wanted to be. If you would become my
master I would loose you. I suddenly was irrationally jealous of the girls
you could take without asking me, when I would be your slave. I wanted you
for my own I wanted you as in Delft and in Amsterdam. I had to say those
things before it was too late, but my feeling that was too late, that all
was lost hit me so hard that I peed in front of you. Your answer was too
much for me, because it came so fully unexpected. I have to thank you for
this shock therapy".

I could not withhold the remark that I liked the peeing part, to which she
only grinned sourly. But I told her also that I even rehearsed that scene
with movie professionals. It took me 2 grueling days before the director
was satisfied. At the end he got an actress to play the scene with me. I
was so good that I got her crying, although she new it was not real. I also
told her that the possibility that she might have been in the Mansion
voluntary, drove me against the wall. Because I was sure that that would
mean that she would want to get back one day. The only possibility I saw
was this kind of brutal shock and I was glad that it worked.  She told me
that with that scene I had made a performance worth of an Oscar.  Still
before going to bed, she asked me with a wicked smile on her face, not to
throw all the gadgets away. Upon my enquiry she told me that she had
learned much in New Orleans. She would be more demanding from now on she
would play the sex games only with someone she really loved.

Before we really settled down for our new life together, I asked whether
she wanted to stay in the house on the ocean. On her question why I would
think she did not want that I told her that is was not our house but
mine. She laughed at me and told me that I was hers now so the house was
hers too. She had an idea however. She had seen that the house had a little
cottage like apartment at the gates. She wanted to have people living
there, who could tend the house and cook for us. Because Westerloo girls
never have undefined plans I asked whether she had some people in
mind. This was confirmed of course. She wanted to get Mama Sue and Uncle
Tom of the Mansion.

She told me that they were not in the house on the evening of the raid and
asked whether she could ask John and his agency to find them. It took three
weeks, in which we were barely ready with the renovation of the cottage,
for our new employees to arrive. The reunion was like a family home
coming. Both were speechless when they saw Toni in this surroundings. But
especially Mama found her voice back quickly. She told us how they had
fared after the raid. They found new jobs but when John found them they
couldn't wait to go to Missus Toni in California. During her speech so told
Toni that she had expected her to become Mr. Bigs wife but that I was also
OK.

From then on our life got back from a relatively easy pace in overdrive
again. During that time I also learned to appreciate our new
housekeepers. I got scolded by Uncle Tom for the garden which he
transformed into a flower paradise. Mama Sue was indeed the excellent cook
Toni had told me about. Toni had long talks with Terry and Paula. I was not
always present because they were doing girl talk. We both visited Mel and
Eric, who had the big news of an fresh pregnancy. We both expressed our
surprises because we had talked about children already long ago. Mel had
always stated that she did not want any. Now she said that she changed her
mind. Both of them felt that it would be a completion to their loves also
when it was late.

We also made a trip to Europe meeting my parents and coming out with
them. That was my wish as I did want that they know what had happened. The
visit was a good one. When we informed them what Toni had been when we
first met, my mother surprised both of us. She asked why we had not
informed her at the time. When I said that I had taken it for granted that
they would have reacted as Toni's parents had, she shook her head. She told
me that her religious believes were always based on love for a God, as well
as for her fellow men. She was sure that maybe she could have helped. We
knew that it would have helped, also after the Johnsons had taken over that
role. It goes without saying that after that declaration of my mother, Toni
was even fonder of her than she already had been.

The only shadow on the trip was of course that we only passed the house of
the Westerloo parents by car. I had asked all three sisters whether we
should take the initiative. All three, who by now had almost no contacts
anymore with their parents, had voted against it.

My parents were overjoyed when we told them that we wanted to marry in
Delft. We only wanted to invite a small group of old friends. Things had
already been put on the way from the USA. A week later we got Mel, Eric,
Terry and Paula from Amsterdam airport. Additionally we had invited the
Johnson family, Dr. Smith and Toni's first boss in Delft. Also Leonard and
Ele were present. Although we both were not very religious we also married
in the big Delft church. Basically we did it for my parents and especially
my mother. Afterwards we both agreed however that the ceremony in the
church had made the day more special. The day was a dream and the bride
more beautiful than ever. It was very nice to see the old friends
again. They had been so important to keep Toni going and they also helped
me tremendously when I doubted everything.

Toni had told me to take 2 weeks off after the wedding because she would
organize the honey moon. Directly after the wedding ceremony she more or
less kidnapped me and we boarded a plane to Hawaii via Alaska. Here we took
another plane in the direction of Australia. Somewhere in between we
changed for a third time to a small sea plane. We were dropped at a small
atoll with nothing but sea, beach and a tropical forest. All we had with us
were some kind of spears and bowie knives.

Standing on the beach Toni at last told me what the idea was. She had read
in a magazine about this adventure holiday, playing shipwrecked people on
an Island. "Yes Mister Doesburg, you will have to take care of the food
which I will cook for you. In the case that you will not be able to get me
fish you'll eat only some fruits of which there plenty here. Because we are
supposed to be shipwrecked I now collect your clothes".

When we were standing there alone and naked there was no thought about food
but much about sex. It was clear to us there and then that it had been a
long time ago that we had real long-lasting sex with each other. So we
rolled in the sand and were washed over by the sea. She started to suck my
dick. I could not wait for her to finish me off and we got into the
sixty-nine position. I started on her as if it was the first time and there
in the warm sand it felt at last like a home coming. We came almost at the
same time and sucked everything that we could get. Lying panting the sand
we both started to say almost at the same time that this was the third
possibility for food.

After the blowing came the fucking and because we could not clean ourselves
as had become customary before this kind of sex we fucked each other lying
halfway in the water. I loved it all again as in the past. I remembered the
girls I had when she was gone. But I was overwhelmed again by the strange
and very intensive sensuality that sex with Toni had. Also with the
she-males, who I shared my bed in LA this feeling had never been
there. That was probably the reason that I always wanted different
ones. Some two hours later we crept up the beach to the forest border and
slept in each others arms.

The fortnight became a land mark in our lives. On the white beach of that
island we secured a bond between us, emotionally as well as physically that
was deeper than ever before. The food situation was not as easy solved as
we might have thought. We indeed went on the body juices of each other for
three days.  I finally was able to catch a flat fish on the fourth
day. Making fire was the next problem. Ultimately we both succeeded in
igniting some fire. Tony did it by rubbing wood together and I by hitting
stones on each other.

On the last night of our island stay, we were standing hand in hand on the
beach with our feet in the water. Looking over the Pacific Ocean to our
last sunset of the holiday, she told me the main reason for the trip. She
wanted me to remember her as she was now. She asked me whether I still did
not mind that she would go ahead with the transgender surgery. When I said
I did not, she told me that she had gone to a doctor who had a clinic near
Carmel. With him she had basically organized the procedure. When I looked
hurt she kissed me and said that she had to do that alone. She also
informed me that after we returned to LA, she would go into the hospital
about two weeks later. She had also planned for me to be present during the
last meeting with the surgeon.

Coming back to Los Angeles we were just in time for the premiere night of
the Robert Johnson Story. As the whole family had invested in the project,
we attended the night and the party together. The premiere was a special
event. During the showing, they had to halt the movie 2 times because the
people were standing on their seats applauding. I have never seen a more
enthusiastic audience. Especially the in-crowd in the theatre was normally
hard to excite. When Jim Mason came on stage after the end of the movie
however and performed some of the songs live, I knew we had a winner.

A week before the surgery appointment we went to Carmel. Toni asked me go
by car and that is why we already left on Friday evening. We stayed that
night in a nice family hotel in one of the coastal fisher villages. The sea
food of Alaskan crab legs with mayonnaise sauce was excellent and they had
some fine dry local wine. Our love making that night was not very
concentrated. Toni was nervous and it was contagious, as my own nervousness
increased also during the evening..

The next day we continued our drive along one of the most famous highways
in the world. The Pacific Coastal Highway. We actually lived side by side
with it but its splendor started only further out side of the LA city
limits. On Sunday we checked into a Carmel Inn and on Monday we had our
meeting. The clinic was one of the best in the land and specialized in
cosmetic surgery in general. Our doctor was an older gentleman and
specialized in gender changing surgery. His part of the clinic was small in
comparison to the rest. But, as we would find out, there were always some
patients.

In my opinion we had a strange meeting. I can only guess that he had been
rude with Toni on their first meetings because now he was rude with me. Did
I want the surgery?  Wouldn't I miss the penis? Wouldn't I miss the sperm?
Was I ready accept that the person that I always regarded as an equal now
would change into somebody that expected to be taken care of? Could I cope
with a woman, who would have most probably mental problems after the
surgery? Almost all women had them after the change especially the ones of
her age.

I was honest to him confessing that I did not know. On that answer he
became the father figure he looked like and told me that that was the right
attitude. Most problems were created by people who were one hundred percent
sure of themselves.

The next weekend we were back. The whole procedure would take only two
weeks.  I would stay in Carmel all the time to be able to visit her every
day. She was very nervous on Monday morning at the check in. She held on to
me with anxiety that was not typical for her. That night I dined alone but
I didn't eat much. I walked around a little bit, before I came back to the
hotel. At the bar I got myself a stiff Whiskey and all the time I had that
weak feeling in my stomach.

On Tuesday at about six o'clock in the afternoon the news came that she had
returned from the intensive care and was awake. As I never had been far
from the hospital the whole day I was there in no time. Seeing her popped
up in her bed I had to make the remark that she looked like New
Orleans. She did not think it funny, but hugged me for a long time anyway.

From that moment on it was back to a speedy recovery. Three weeks later I
could take her back to LA. At that time I knew that she had seen her new
genitals. For me that part of her body was declared a forbidden area for
me. She told me that her pussy was simply not yet ready. I would only be
allowed to see it when all surgery was finished. I was back to square one;
Toni kept her panties on.

Between the two surgeries just before my fortieth birthday Runamara was
finished. Some reporters found out the connection between the names Runa
and Runamara. Of course they had been investigating this woman, who had
appeared in Hollywood seemingly from nowhere. There were some deep
investigations in New Orleans, but strangely enough results were never
published. Maybe the world was not yet ready to report a lot of background
information on a crime that involved transsexual people.

During the premiere that I had planned in New Orleans and to which Toni
bravely accompanied me, we had a family reunion. On the first night of our
stay Eric and I were complimented to have dinner together because there was
lady talk to do. Both sisters had not been informed about the surgery. Toni
had wanted it that way and had waited for just such an opportunity to tell
them. After the premiere, there was a picture made of all six of us side by
side when leaving the theatre. Next to the Clarion Herald, the picture was
featured in some local show business and society magazines.

The overall business side still was going strong. Notwithstanding that he
music industry had faced its biggest crisis ever in the beginning of the
eighties. My acts had also steeply decreasing sales but the movie industry
knew no set backs. Runamara as well as The Robert Johnson Story did very
well for us. They were not high on the charts but the revenues from these
movies were almost comparable with Vesna. The reason for that was the
financing. As both projects were not very attractive to investors and I had
decided that we would do it on our own.

Of course there had been risks involved, but my specialists had told me
that they were convinced that the production costs would be easily
recuperated. Both movies were a success. Not like Vesna but solid average
movies. Both featured good actors and especially Runamara had some heavy
and rather unconventional scenes. Both were not real
blockbusters. Runamara's lifespan would also not be as long as The Robert
Johnson Story but both were good investments on the long run.

Afterwards Toni and I stayed in New Orleans. I was able to show her the
city the way I had learned to know it, while waiting for visits to her
hospital room. Normally she should have known all of that and I was
surprised that it was not that way. Toni showed me her side of the city and
that was no sight seeing.  I was shown the other side of the Big Easy, not
the easy light side but the dark and the violent one. Still seeing her back
at these places had a strange sensuality. She was greeted by some who knew
her and they were invited at our table. I could talk with people, who were
on this other side of life. I found out that many of them had chosen it
voluntary.

This got me thinking again about the things Toni had told me regarding her
time at the Mansion. I remembered the desperate discussions I had with
Mel. But trying to find reasons for such decisions by women, resulted only
in the knowledge that they remain a mystery to men. There was another flash
from the past; when we made a ride on the street car going to the
university she suddenly grabbed my arm and buried her face on my
shoulders. When I asked her what was wrong she whispered: "I just saw a
house where I was for one of the private parties".

What would have happened if we had grown up in New Orleans? What would have
happened to Toni ? Would she have been lured into one of the many special
houses and sunk into prostitution? Was it only fate, living in the
provincial town of Delft that gave her the chance for a comparatively
normal life with somebody like me. I knew now how close she was to such
different life styles. Was my luck to become big in the entertainment
business really a blessing for both of us? Had our arrival in the USA been
the initial trigger starting the process that ended with the Mansion? These
were strange nights for me but our love making afterwards was always very
intense, confirming again the power that such sex laden environments have
on people.

I also learned to know Marge and Bill. Marge was a woman with a very
special beauty. I could understand that Toni had fallen for her. I could
have fallen in love with her too. In our conversations Marge told that she
had been close to propose to Toni. She postponed it when Jenny came
back. Although she initially believed that they would not reunite, Toni had
been right with her observation that was inevitable. I had to take a deep
breath and thank my luck that Jenny had saved me. I saw how Toni looked at
both of them and there was too much interest for my liking. She also could
not contain herself and told Marge that she was now a real woman. I do not
know what the expression on her face meant. I had the distinct idea though
that there would have been more than an average chance that I would not
have seen Toni back, when she would have had her surgery before she went to
New Orleans.

Things became even more problematic to me when we were invited for a
weekend at the plantation of Marge's parents. Although I had my
reservations Toni wanted nothing more than to go. Back to the memory of
what must have been one of the best experiences she had in New Orleans. My
reservations were washed away during that weekend however. It was one of
the highlights of our stay in Louisiana. The house was a dream and more
like a palace. Our stay coincided with the Zydeco festival at the nearby
town of Fayetteville. The house was full with participating musicians of
this festival.

As soon as these artists learned that Matt Doesburg was amongst the guests,
a special and private festival was organized. On Friday night before the
actual festival started the house and garden were full of Zydeco and Cajun
music.  I even was lured in playing guitar and bass on several
occasions. As it was the right time for the famous clam dinners we were
treated to this very Cajun way of food and party. I can tell you that that
Friday evening was one of the highlights in my life. I had a beautiful
"Wiedersehen" with the Toni from the Amsterdam years. She formally radiated
happiness during the evening. This surrounding was probably a return for
her to a family substitute. I had the impression that it was as good as the
one I had been able to provide her with in Amsterdam.

On Monday morning before we returned to the Big Easy we had a quiet
breakfast with Marge and Jenny.  Upon enquiries of Marge how we had
reunited again Toni told her story. Marge was speechless and actually
crying at the end. Subsequently she became mad and yelled at her why she
had not contacted her? Why had she not talked about it? Toni was taken by
surprise. She said that after Madge had left her, she had thought that she
would not have been interested anymore. After hearing that excuse, Madge
became even madder.

Later she mellowed the situation by making a joke about it. She told Toni
that she was a naughty little girl that only created havoc the moment Mummy
turned her back. Later in a moment alone with me, she asked me to take care
of her and never allow her to be drawn back into such a situation. She also
told me that meeting us together proved to her that Toni's place was with
me and not with her. Her decision for Jenny was the right one in
retrospect. She said goodbye with the promise, to come personally to kick
my ass when I wouldn't take care of Toni..

Bill, being back in New Orleans with his master after some years in San
Fancisco, was another case. Although he was a handsome man he had an strong
aura of humble gay servitude around him. It was so bad that I could not
understand that Toni had agreed to an affair with him. During our encounter
with him, I had the impression that Toni was not very happy to be reminded
of this period of her life in the Big Easy.

She was elated that I knew her University and was also mighty proud that I
had been a guest professor there. Upon our visit there I had a surprise for
her. I had kept it a secret that I had been asked to become an honorary
professor and the inauguration was planned in combination with the Runamara
premiere. During the festivities I saw the old, happy Toni and I felt great
at that. I had attended too many events like that alone. Now it felt good
to have a woman at my side and one who was so openly proud of her man. She
would keep on calling me professor for weeks to come.

To be continued.