Date: Sat, 21 Mar 2009 14:05:06 -0700 (PDT)
From: Matt Doesburg <mailtomatt@ymail.com>
Subject: Toni The Book Chapter 2

Toni The Book Chapter 2

After I dropped out of the university I was waiting to be called up for
military duty as it still existed in that time. I could not search for a
steady job so I took on some "manpower" jobs as a factory worker that
existed for students. During these months while waiting for my enlistment I
met Toni for the first time. The first glimpse of her I got when I walked
out of a cinema after having seen Four For Texas with Sinatra, Dean Martin
and Sammy Davis Jr. and not to forget with Anita Eckberg and Ursula
Andress.

I first saw her back and I could only think of one word: FLAWLESS. I saw
dark brown hair only barely reaching her shoulders. Her back indicated that
she had an almost athletic figure. She was wearing rather tight jeans so I
could see her tush rather clearly. Her buttocks were accentuating the
athletic impression. They were not round and broad as with so many other
girls but more oval shaped.  Under them two legs started that did seem to
go on forever. She wore flat shoes. I intuitively thought that she would
look marvelous in high heels. From behind she had a kind of boyish figure
but that being exactly what I liked most with girls, made me longing to see
more of her

Walking behind her I saw that she was heading for one of the nearby
diners. I wanted to buy a coke myself and followed her in. Standing closely
behind her waiting for our orders the first thing I noticed was that she
was more or less as tall as I was. I unconsciously realized that that meant
she would be taller than me wearing high heels. I also got a whiff of her
body fragrance and I found out that she smelled at least as good as she
looked. I unconsciously inhaled rather noisily, which made her turn her
head.

The first thing I saw was her eyes and I felt like drowning. I was looking
into big eyes with green to brown pupils that could melt an iceberg. They
were only accentuated by a black eyeliner that was ooh so decently applied.
The expression in her eyes changed from annoyance to a low smoldering spark
when she returned my "Hi" with an "Oh, hello too".  The voice was strangely
husky, low for a girl and melodious in a way unknown to me up till then.

After she got her order and I mine I saw that she was standing alone at one
of the high tables. I collected all my courage and asked her whether I
could join her.  She answered only with nod of her head. Now I could see
that she wore her hair in a kind of fringe hairstyle that framed her face
like the rays of a dark sun.  Her face was classic with rather high
jawbones. Her mouth was full as it was accentuated lightly by lipstick and
maybe a bit wide. Further make up was not visible, which did not mean that
it was not there however. I got the overall impression that hair and make
up was very professionally done.

Her face was of an austere beauty to me. Not beauty queen-like and not
doll-like but maybe a bit mysterious. It was that kind of face that burns
into your memory.  I also noticed that her breasts were small. I clearly
saw her nipples, which could only mean that she wore no bra. The sum of it
all was attractive to me in an unbelievable way. I probably fell for her
already in that very moment.

All my observation had taken a rather long time and I was torn from my
daydreams when she said "A penny for your thoughts".  After returning to
the real world I avoided the direct answer by asking her whether she had
also been in the cinema, which was confirmed. We talked about the movie and
I could brag with my knowledge of the Rat-Pack and the music that was made
by Frank Sinatra. She was a good listener, but during my talking I saw that
low spark in her eyes slowly being replaced by a mysteriously sad
expression, which made her even more desirable.

After we finished our cokes I asked her whether I could walk her home and
she nodded her head again in agreement. She lived not too far from my
parental house. Her apartment actually was in the street of my old
elementary school. At her door we shook hands. More was not offered to me
but that was OK. I already indicated that free love had not yet arrived in
the Dutch society at that time and in addition to that I was already really
glad to be in her company. I did not want to do anything that would narrow
my chances to see her again. I did however get to know her name which was
Toni Westerloo and I got her promise for a date on Saturday night.

On that Saturday she robbed my breath again when she appeared in a mini
skirt. This was a new fashion trend that had been recently washed over from
London, the hippest place in the world by far in the sixties.  Her T-shirt
was fitting tightly and it was again visible that she wore no bra. It was
also very visible that her breasts were small and very firm as they stood
out with her nipples peaking against the covering fabrics. Now I had the
full view of her legs and they were indeed perfect and incredibly long. I
got the confirmation that she looked gorgeous in high heels. Oh man I could
have just keep on standing there and devour her with my eyes.

The butterflies in my stomach and belly told me that I had to have this
girl. We went to eat together in one of the town's Chinese
restaurants. Afterwards we went to the old historic market place with its
historical town hall on one side and the big "new" church, built in the
16th century, on the other side. As it was a wonderful August evening, we
settled down on one of the terraces that border one side of this market.

We started to get to know each other better talking about music, films,
holidaying, schools and work. She told me she was a hairdresser and was
almost nineteen, which made her a year younger than I was. Her job
explained my impression of professionalism regarding her hair and
make-up. She liked all the new groups that were washing over from England
and she loved to go to the movies.  We also found out that we even read
similar books, which she also preferred to read in English. The subject of
families was not touched on that evening and during the following dates.

Walking her home that night I noticed that guys who overtook us turned
their heads to see the front of the fabulous figure from behind. All of
them seemed to be impressed with the front view too.  That night we kissed
for the first time and although I probed her lips with my tongue she kept
them tightly shut.

We really got steady during the following time and we saw each other almost
every day..  Eventually I learned that she was the daughter of a wealthy
family, who I knew as they had a big mansion on the outskirts of town. From
me she learned that I was still living at home, waiting to go into the army
in a few months. I also told her, that my father was working for the town
council, which made us a typical middle class family.

She told me however that she did not have much contact with her family
anymore since she lived on her own. I also got to know in what place she
worked and even I knew that that hair salon was the best in town. It had
not been my cup of tea to get away from the parental house when I became
18. Still I knew there were many young people who did that so I found
nothing strange about that.  There was no information about brothers or
sisters. She also did not volunteer any information whether she grew up in
a strict religious environment, which I suspected she had.

I from my side held back with the information that I had an older brother,
who was ready with his studies and was now a technical engineer. After that
he had gone to Italy where he had gotten a job. The main reason for this
move however was because he had met an Italian girl during a family holiday
when he was fifteen and that friendship had become an engagement. My
parents and I would attend the wedding which would take place shortly
before I went into the army. I also got to know her apartment which was
basically a big room with a bathroom and a mini kitchen. As her bed also
was in that single room we were using that to do our petting, which of
course was our favorite pastime.

She opened up to me but only her lips, but I found out that kissing her was
different as with other girls. Her kisses were passionate at an
unbelievable level. There were promises in them and a longing for more
although she did not offer more.  After some time she let me caress her
breast readily, confirming that she did have very small boobs, but I did
not care. Her nipples in the centre of small but very prominent aureoles
were always hard and pertly provoking me. Admiring her boobs I asked her
why she used to go without a bra. Her explanation was that she had to wear
one during her work but did not like the confinement of the garment. As
soon as she left the shop she discarded it as frequently as she could.

She refused to have me remove her panties. She always kept her legs
together when I fondled her through the fabric of her garments. During
these first tries to get rid of her panties I noticed that she wore two of
them. This was new to me but I did not think anything about it. In the
beginning I got rid of my briefs, trying to provoke her in doing the
same. She asked me not to do it again though, as she was in no way ready to
get more intimate with me.

I was a little bit chagrined because I had looked forward too much, much
more. Being together with her without sex however was so satisfying for me
that I did not insist. Secretly I expected the experience, when it would
arrive, would be the more exiting because of the long wait. This
restriction had an advantage for me. I had ceased to shave my pubic area
and could take up that habit again as I really felt uncomfortable not being
clean shaven.

Her prudish behavior did not cool our friendship. For some time I saw it as
a result of her upbringing. Her family may have been rich but its
background was probably a very rigid and strictly religious one. I presumed
that because they were originating from a region that was west of
Delft. This part of the country was one of the regions where mainly very
religious farmer families lived. My family was also religious to a certain
level. In the Dutch Calvinistic society there was a growing tendency to
break away however from the old strict structures. The people who were not
ready for this opening up kept among themselves. I suspected her family to
be part of this so-called black-stockings church community.

Shortly before I went into the army the wedding of Leonard was due and my
parents even had me ask her whether she wanted to come along as my
girlfriend. She strangely rejected without giving any reason. Because of
this invitation however I took her home one evening. She was liked
instantly by my mother as well as my father. I even got a compliment from
both of them after that visit. Her decision not to accompany us was however
not changed during that first encounter with my parents.

So I went to Italy without her and visited the city of Bergamo for the
first time in my life. The holidays in which Leonard had met Ele had been
at the Mediterranean.  I knew her family came from Bergamo but I never had
been there. One of the reasons was of course that during the last 3 years I
had not accompanied my parents during their holidays.

Bergamo and the new family were eye openers, Ele's father; Nicola Malfredi
was the owner of a small but highly specialized parts supplier for the
automotive industry. He had organized Leonard's job with one of the most
prominent systems suppliers for that industry. The idea was that my brother
would get praxis in another company before he would become part of the
family enterprise. He was a real charming man. He was proud of Italy's
heritage and an expert in culture and as I would find out also in food
matters. And there was Paola, Ele's sister and she was a dream.

The last time I had seen her she had been thirteen but now she was one
hundred percent woman and a marvelous companion during the wedding. She
tried to seduce me but I had the good sense not the let things get out of
hand. An important reason for that was the not present Toni of course. She
was on my mind all the time and poor I had to acknowledge that I probably
had fallen in love with her. It wormed me however endlessly why she had
decided to stay in Delft.

During the week in Bergamo I discovered my love for Italian food. At home
we always ate well but very Dutch, which meant good food with little
imagination. With Ele's father as guide I found out what Italians could do
with not so good ingredients and loads of imagination. I learned that the
Italian cuisine started really in that way, being a cuisine of the common
people. This is in contrast to the French cuisine which is a cuisine of the
court and of nobility. Today the ingredients do not have to be poor any
longer of course, as Italy is one of the richest countries in the world.
Many of the famous and best dishes however are still made in the old
tradition and like I said, I loved it.

We ate the typical Bergamo food like horsemeat bacon (Bresaola), Vasonsei
and Vasoncelli as well as Porcini (mushrooms) and Asino (Donkey meat). The
local red wine is called Valcalepio. The food basically originated from the
mountains that start only a few kilometers North of the city. The first
night we ate it in a farm house in that region, on a mountain slope, where
Mamma cooked herself. Typical for this kind of restaurant was that the wine
was drunk from ordinary stone cups. The second night we went to the Alta
Citta, the oldest part of Bergamo situated on a range of hills just North
of the 19th Century business district. With the whole of the newer town at
our feet we had a dinner of Italian specialties.

We also went to Milan to eat fish near a huge fish market. I already knew
about shrimps but that evening I learned to know scampi, lobster, even ink
fish and shells in all sizes. I asked my father about this kind of sea food
and why we never ate it, although he came from a fishermen's family. He
told me that the high sea fishers from his birth town had an aversion
against shell food. Even mussels that were cultivated in masses in the
South of Holland were not on their menu.  He had to admit however, that
these Italian dishes were fantastic. We also grilled the so-called
Fiorentina steak in the garden. With every dish there was another wine from
the private wine cellar. After the food the espressos were served with
grappa. I certainly could have lived in such a country.

When I came back to Holland I had to introduce Toni to the Italian cuisine
of course. Firstly by searching out an Italian restaurant, which created
problems as in Delft, at that time, no such restaurant could be found. I
found one in The Hague but that was expensive. On top of that I did not
really like it, so we had to do it ourselves. We bought cook books and
started to experiment. Of course I wanted to eat a Fiorentina steak right
away but it was impossible to duplicate the Bergamo experience. Every
butcher we asked for it had no idea what we were talking about. After those
let downs, we started with spaghetti, home made pizza and some
antipasti. Imagine that even to get Parmesan cheese other than the grated
variation was an adventure.

After the wedding, back in Holland we had our first pre-Christmas time
together.  When my mother found out that she was not visiting her parents
on the Christmas days, she invited them on the spot. I wondered why she was
alone but loved to be with her during these days. We attended a church
service on the first day of Christmas and afterwards listened to the organ
together. The dinners with my parents were cozy and I found out that my
mother had even convinced to stay overnight, sleeping in Leonard's
room. This of course was the ultimate indication that my mother planned
with her as the second daughter in law. On New Year's Day, when we kissed I
was certain that nothing could separate us from that moment on.

During January the next year I was drawn into the army and Toni and I saw
each other only during the weekends. Being in an all male company in the
army made me an awfully horny guy when on leave. As a result I got ever
more impatient with her refusal to get to the next stage in our love
making, which did not really deserve the name up to then. After some weeks
I made her an ultimatum. I wanted to pet wit her naked.  I promised her
also that I would not press her to let me penetrate her, if she did not
want it. She looked hurt, but also with a strange understanding expression
in her face. She said she had to think about it and while she thought about
it we should not see each other for a month. I did not see why she had to
think about it for such a long time, but I agreed.

During that month I really found out how much she meant to me. Being in the
army was not my favorite past time and I felt very alone. Especially the
weekends going home without the prospect to see her were bad. I even
considered getting back to her before the month was over and to accept
things as they were.

After a month coming back from the base on a Friday I couldn't wait to get
to her apartment. She greeted me with her irresistible smile and had me sit
on her couch (not the bed). This was the first time that I had not seen her
for some time. It was also the first time that I felt like falling in love
all over again.  She also had Coke and brown rum ready, my favorite drink
at the time and started to talk. She said that she had a very serious
reason for not wanting to see me for a month. She had planned to use that
time to create a distance between us in order to end our affair. During the
month however there was one big fault in her plan. She was not able to
detach herself from me. The longer the month lasted, the surer she was that
she really loved me.

I can tell you that I was flattered. She continued by asking me if I was
serious, whether I loved her too. Slightly taken aback, I had to admit to
myself that I loved her at that moment but I did not know whether that
would last forever. Seeing my hesitation she added: "Important is whether
you want to give it a serious try". When I confirmed that immediately, she
continued by saying that her reason for no getting more intimate with me
was not religion but because she was different.

I was still contemplating what she meant with different when she stood
up. She slowly started to undress her self. I was so turned on by this
private strip-tease that I forgot to drink my rum and Coke. Of course I had
seen her partly naked before but now she was standing some distance away
from me and I marveled again at her figure. When she came to her panties
she hesitated. When I looked up I saw two big green brown eyes, which seem
to plead with me not to fail her. I also saw tears filling them up. I had
the strange impression that she was silently screaming for help. At that
moment I was sure that I could spend my life with her and that nothing
could ever separate us.

The next moment that certainty was shattered. As she got her panties down
over her hips I first saw hairless pubes, which made my mouth dry. After
that she opened her legs ever so slowly. A small hairless dick came into
sight, which hung limply between her legs. I sat open mouthed. Seeing her
naked from a distance she was even more beautiful than I could have
imagined. My dick had developed an immense erection during her
striptease. One moment it seemed to burst out of my briefs. The next
moment, when realization hit what I saw exactly, it went limp instantly. I
was slowly getting up and all I wanted was to get to the door.  Away from
this FREAK who asked me with tears rolling down along her cheeks: "Please
stay and let's talk about it".

I GOT OUT.

I really run from the apartment as if distance would make the
difference. The first hour I did nothing but walk and run. I was unable to
think straight and it seemed as if there was a barrier blocking my
brains. Two times I almost ran into a car.  In one occasion I was only
saved by a car horn and later a warning yell from the other side of the
road warned me. After that hour I found myself breathlessly in front of a
bar in the bad part of town. Sitting down I bought myself a double whiskey
and tried to organize my thoughts.

What the heck had happened to me? In my world at that time, a man wearing
woman's clothes was a transvestite and a person with a dick was man. The
conclusion had to be that Toni was a transvestite. I had been together with
a man for more than six months. I had kissed him and fondled him. I had
walked together with him hand in hand and arms around our hips. I even
introduced him as my girl-friend to my family. What would they say and what
would my friends say.. In my society, with all its developing liberality at
that time, people like Toni were still seen as outcasts; period.

Was I now one of them; an outcast? Was I gay or a queer?  The words
hammered around in my head and I did not like it a bit. But during all
these considerations I had a face etched internally in my mind, a face with
big, sad pleading eyes. And Goddamn it I loved that face! How could a face
like that belong to a man and how could a man have legs like that? Was it
normal for a man to have absolutely no hair whatsoever, nor on his face nor
on his legs? And the breasts; were they of a man? Of course not and in my
world transvestites did not have real boobs. I changed from Whiskey to
Jenever as that was cheaper and I could order more. The drunker I got
though the less I did understand.

During the night I was not able to sleep. I tossed and turned in my bed and
the two following days were not much better. My mother sensed that
something was wrong and asked me about it. I told her that I had had a
fight with Toni. She smiled understandably but I could sense that she
expected that we would settle this quarrel within a short time. A part of
the dilemma was that there was absolutely nobody whom I could speak
to. Today everything is easy. There is telephone (imagine at that time we
did not have one), the people are much more liberal and there is the
internet. If you have nobody to talk to, you can ask the internet. I could
have Googled for information on girls with dicks and whether it was OK to
love them. On second thought, I do not think I would not have gotten a
satisfying answer to that answer even today.

Saturday evening I attended a party at one of my friends and of course I
got many questions about me being alone. Upon hearing that I had left Toni,
one of my friends even said that he would call her for a date. At that time
I wished him all the luck.

On Sunday evening which was normally a sad evening, I welcomed the
possibility to get back to the base and out of town. I hoped that a change
of environment would enable me to create a distance to the things that
happened that weekend. Of course also during the following week, I could
talk with nobody. The geographical distance seemed to create also a mental
distance. I was more or less able to push him/her out of my mind. In
retrospect I do not know what would have happened when I would have stayed
in Delft. But I did not want to think about those possibilities, not at
that time.

Through these developments I became very body oriented. I developed a real
aversion for body hair with women as well as with men. I started to shave
my body completely and felt myself strong enough to face eventual remarks
in the caserne. This was strange because in this way my body became like
Toni's, a hairless male body with dick. It would have been more logical if
I had stopped shaving altogether.  My hairless body by the way never was a
topic at the base. I also started a wild quest for girls and I began to
drink more heavily.

One of the soldiers of my dormitory was known to roam the base and the
nearby town on drinking bouts. I became his Buddy and even stayed at the
base for a whole month in a row. During these evening tours, I even found
girls in that nearby town. Some of them were even rather young. I did not
care about that, because the younger they were the less body hair they
would have. These girls were impressed to be with a real soldier and even
admired my hairless nakedness. I fucked them without regret; just to prove
to myself that I was no queer.

When I spent my weekends in Delft again, I continued this routine. I even
got some nasty remarks from my friends about my choice of girls. They
accused me of having lost my taste for women after leaving Toni. I saw it
exactly the other way around, but I could not explain that to them. My
mother stopped asking about her after some time, accepting that she would
not be a daughter in law after all.

During the reminder of my time in the army I saw Toni four times and every
meeting was an extremely bad one. The first one was when I got on the
streetcar to The Hague. She got off at the same moment. At the moment of
recognition I saw happiness at seeing me being replaced instantly with a
sadness that cut me like a knife. She started to say something but the
doors closed. While driving away from her I could see her standing on the
pavement; a sad, lost girl with sagging shoulders.

Behind me I heard a man asking his friend whether he had seen that girl
just leaving. The latter answered that such a beauty made his day. I did
not say anything but was wondering what they would have said if they had
seen a Tony without the sad expression. Strangely enough I did not think
about what they would have said when they had known the truth.

The second time was in a diner where she was having French Fries and a
Coke. That evening she was just dressed in trousers, high necked pullover
and flat shoes. I noticed that she had a black eye under her mascara and
bruises in her face.  After asking her about it, she firstly was evasive
and said she had fallen.  Only when I insisted and told her that it did not
look like falling but more like being hit by something, she told me that
not all men were as understandable as I was. As she was saying that she
looked straight at me.  I saw the eyes of our last meeting, silently
screaming for help and pleading to reconsider. In my mind I heard her words
of the ill fated evening saying: "Please stay and let's talk about it", I
could not though.

The third time was on a market place terrace and she was together with a
man. The moment I saw her, it was as if my heart stood still. What right
had that fucking guy being with my Toni. She had not seen me yet and
looking for the expression on her face I was looking for signs whether she
was happy. I was observing her for quite some time and saw that they were
involved in a conversation. All the time she looked rather serious until
she stood up to go to the toilet.

She was wearing one of the dresses that we had bough together. It was the
dress that reminded us of the movie Seven Year Itch, in which Marilyn
Monroe stands with flying skirts over an underground vent. Of course her
high heels accentuated her legs in a way that had several heads turned on
the terrace. I noticed she wore a bra, which made her breast more
prominent. Upon seeing me she smiled, but it was a strange melancholy
smile. Not one of remorse like: you see I found a substitute for you. No
this smile indicated that at that very moment there was only one other
person on the market place besides her and that was me. I only could pay as
quickly as I could and leave before she returned.

The fourth time was shortly before I would be dismissed from the army and
not really an encounter. I spotted her walking some distance in front of me
and she was obviously alone again.  Walking behind her I did not see the
beautiful woman I had seen in the similar situation on our very first
encounter. I observed one with unflattering grey clothes that hung on her
like 2 sizes too big. Again I noticed her posture that indicated sadness
and hopelessness and although it hurt me I did not try to contact her and
went my way.

During the later part of my time in the army also something positive
happened. I found a new friend who was like my self obsessed by music. He
was the one who got me back on the path of rock music again. Although I had
not lost contact with popular music during my Sinatra time, I now
discovered the real extend of the developments in England. I already
noticed that Pirate Radio Stations like Radio Caroline, Radio London and
their Dutch rival Radio Veronica had started their broadcasts from the
ships in the North Sea.  But now I started to listen to them as soon as I
was in the vicinity of a radio.

I started to buy LP's by The Beatles, The Rolling Stones, The Byrds and
most of all, my personal secret tip, The Beach Boys. During this time I
also took up guitar playing again that was neglected during the "Sinatra
time". I had to find out however that my solo playing was not at the level
that the new players had progressively developed to. I changed to bass and
could play the bass riffs, accompanying the records acoustically, on my KAY
guitar.

As I really got to practicing again I became known to the small musician's
community in my home town as a passable bass player. Robert and I also
learned to know a guitar player who was really something else. A young guy
who had a musical talent that was unbelievable. Hearing Eric Clapton for
the first time had him copy his music instantly. When he got a piano in his
room it took him only two weeks to play the instrument. I can tell you that
I was envious of his rare talent.

Of course Robert and I wanted to cash in on this talent and I tried again
to get a band together. This time Robert would be the lead
singer. Unfortunately our whiz kid got to know a Finnish girl and
disappeared with her to Finland, which ended this band dream abruptly.

As we had very good contacts to the biggest record retailer in town, we
were easily able to sample most of the new releases. We started the game of
forecasting who would make it and who would not. We seemed to make the
right predictions frequently.  Both of us were of the opinion that we
should get into the music industry and show them which groups and acts
would make it.

Concerts in that period were not the mega venues they are now a days.  We
did not have to go to other cities to hear live music. The first concert
Yes gave on continental Europe was in Delft and The Marmelade we also heard
in our own town. Interesting live music was also played in a club named At
Pul.  The house band was known in the whole of the province. We of course
were regulars at that club. The level of the music made there was really
good, which was proven later. Most members of the band made their way into
the Dutch music community. The singer even had a small hit in the USA.

We saw many bands in local clubs in Rotterdam and The
 Hague and Delft. John Mayall and the Bluesbreakers featuring Mick Taylor
(later with the Stones of course) and drummer Keef Hartley we saw in
Rotterdam and The Andy Bown Set in The Hague.

One of the bigger venues featured Manfred Mann with the successor of Paul
Jones; Mike D'Abo. To see Mike D'Abo was a disappointment, as I personally
though that their original singer Paul Jones could have brought the band to
superstardom.  Even today they are still around though but the threshold to
superstardom was never passed. Manfred however always was able to surprise
with excellent musicians with every change of his line ups.

We also had good contacts with the local students' society. One of their
hang outs was a club called the White Elephant, which was actually a
discotheque. Many clubs that had featured live music in the past, changed
to the discotheque format at that time. These clubs would prove to be good
testing grounds for new music..  They were also the first step on the
demise of live music however, as they robbed many starting bands from early
interaction with audiences. .

The White Elephant was only for students with their friends, mostly
girlfriends. This created fights with rowdies from the surrounding country
side occasionally, as they were refused admittance. As most of the new
friends we had were students, we had no problems with admittance. After the
management found out about our knowledge of music we were offered to become
disc jockeys. We started with them on Fridays and I alternated with
Robert. When their first disk jockey was not available on Saturdays we also
took that spot.

I may not have been the smoothest talker among the disc jockeys but
certainly offered the best music mix. I usually started my evenings with
new releases to which really some fans showed up. Later in the evenings I
presented a program that was for the bigger part made out of album tracks
instead of hit singles. This job also gave me additional insights into the
mechanics of the rock market.

Around that time I got an offer to be a full time musician. I was asked to
become the bass guitarist with a band formed by the guitar player of the
house band at At Pul.  He had a contract to play during the summer in an
Italian beach club. I was very close to burn all my bridges behind me and
jump into this adventure when the offer was cancelled. He stayed with his
original band and later became internationally known. After that episode I
did not think anymore that a future as a musician was an option for me.

These last developments occurred shortly after I had left the army .I had
started to work for a local company and at that company I got a boss, who
was American and who taught me a lot about business in general. Also my
English, which was not bad to begin with, improved during my collaboration
with him. The time to enter the music industry had apparently not yet
arrived. Robert was closest as he had taken a job with a local record
dealer. We continued to develop our feeling for rock music now combined
with knowledge of marketing. We both enrolled in two year long evening
courses on the subject. At that time these courses were the only way to
study marketing in Holland.

Living again in Delft and also not too far from Toni's apartment made it
inevitable to see her from time to time. She had not changed, she still had
the sad eyes and she still had an intensely sad face. I was well aware of
the fact that I was thinking about her as her again and not him. Directly
after my discharge from the army there were so many new situations for me,
with the new won friends and the new job that I did not think very much
about her. But seeing her and noticing that she was always alone made me
think about her again. It started by wanting to talk to her again. I
remembered how well I had felt when we were together and I became aware
that I was slowly sinking into the tender trap that she had laid out for
me.

As a last try to get her out of my mind I called Leonard whether I could
stay with him for a week, which was OK'ed of course. It was my first
holiday after my army time. I headed for Italy by train as I still did not
have a car. Leonardo met me at the cavernous central station in Milan and
from there we continued to Bergamo. Leonard had one of these new Fiat Dino
convertible sports cars and I can tell you I was mighty jealous of him..

Bergamo was beautiful again and the food as well as the wine was
marvelous. Ele and the family were genuinely happy to see me. Only Paola
was not the sixteen year old seductress of almost two a years ago but a
grown up woman. She had a friend from the Bergamo high society, who drove a
Maserati Ghilby convertible, a sports car of which I could only dream. But
I had to admit that he was a very nice guy, who even let me make a test
drive in his car when he saw how much I admired it.

During this week I also visited the company of Nicola, Leonard's father in
law. Again I was thrilled by the elegant surroundings of the company
although it was only a production facility. Also Nicola impressed me again
with his way of treating his laborers and people in general. During the
visit he took me apart. He drove with me to one of the special lunch
restaurants they have all over Italy. Although these places are normally
bustling with activity, we found a quiet place where he made me an offer.

He was close to concluding a deal with one of the big US automotive
companies and needed a liaison officer for the contacts. He already had
started to look in Italy for a person to fill in this job, but had found
difficulties in the department of language knowledge. He thought that
because I had school knowledge of French, I would sooner learn Italian than
many Italians would learn English. If I would take this job it would mean
relocation to Bergamo and frequent visits to the USA.

I was flattered and my first impulse was to accept right away. This was
closer to my dreams about America than I had ever been and I really liked
the idea to come to Italy. There were however two flaws in the
proposal. Firstly it had nothing to do with music and secondly if I
accepted I probably would loose my chances to get Toni back. I surprised
myself with the second reason as up to that moment had not admitted to
myself that that was what I wanted. I asked for some time to think it over
but my decision was already made.

During that stay I was also introduced by Paola and by Ele to several
friends and some of them undoubtedly had star qualities. We roamed the city
as a band of four or six. Dining in the old medieval part and partying in
the discos of the lower town. Still the visit was not as good as I had
thought. I was steadily thinking about Toni and I decided that I wanted to
go back to Delft. Before I returned I told Nicola about my decision in
another personal meeting. I mentioned the music as a reason but not Toni.

I still did not know much about transsexuals or she-males. At least the
words were now known to me, as I had bought magazines in the red light
district shops in The Hague. It did cost me some self-denying to ask for
these magazines. They were not on display, but had to be fetched from the
back by the shop owners. Still the ones I got were expensive but not very
helpful. The "girls" in these publications, with only very few exceptions,
were in no way comparable to Toni.

A second research to get more information was more successful. I went to
the city library and searched for everything that dealt with transsexuals
and she-males.  In a book named Different Ways Of Sexuality I found some
answers. Transsexuals were not uncommon in our society. The medical world
used the term for somebody that basically was born into a wrong body. It
was explained, that there were people who possessed a hormone household
that was of the opposite sex.

For a boy this problem might mean that his voice would not break, or only
at a much later stadium. His body hair would not appear at all or also much
later. In some cases he would spontaneously grow breasts at these points in
his life. Between this extreme example and men that only liked to dress as
women there were many stages of transsexualism.

It was also stated that it was possible to have surgery for these people
and that they could be changed into "real" women. Women who could not get
children of course as such surgery could not provide reproductive
organs. An additional problem at that time was the result after the
surgery. Although surgeons tried to model vaginas they were not comparable
with real woman's genitals. They even had pictures that looked horrible to
me.

I also learned that that both sexes had hormones of the other sex
present. It was generally believed that the quantities of these "other"
hormones were the cause of sexual attitudes of a person. I was only partly
satisfied, but one thing was clear to me. Toni was a woman. She may not
have been a real, real woman.  The right name for it was a generic woman, I
would learn later. Medically she was a woman alright and to love such a
woman does not make somebody a queer. I knew after my reaction on seeing
her with another man and my rejection of the offer in Italy that I had
feelings for her that I could not define when they were not love. I decided
that I had to have her back.

I wrote her a letter of which I still know the contents:

"Toni

I saw you the other day and I saw a girl that I loved, although you did not
look very well. Probably I have to be blamed for this and I am honestly
sorry.

I did not contact you for such a long time.  For that reason this letter
may not change anything anymore from your side. Still I want you to know
how I tried to handle the situation. On our last evening I did not know
what happened to me. I had been together with someone with an angelic face,
with legs made in heaven and with a personality that I adored.

But then on that evening when you spread your legs I saw no heaven but
hell.

Maybe it is due to my upbringing that my first thought was to get away from
the alleged freak that I saw.

Now more than a year later I still get butterflies in my stomach when I
think about you.  It is however only your face I see. I still have grave
problems with your genitals.

Still I want to talk with you, be with you, kiss you and maybe together we
can find a way for the future.

Please give me an answer also when the answer is no.

Matt."

I personally put the letter I her mailbox and waited. I had not to wait
very long because 2 days later there was a letter in the mail for me. When
I opened it there was only a small card, with a whiff of perfume that
instantly reminded me of her and with the following message:

"You can come anytime you want, I will be there, Toni"

To be continued.