Date: Thu, 6 Jan 2005 08:33:07 -0800 (PST)
From: rando1000@yahoo.com
Subject: Rachael's True Story Part 2

This is continuance of my first autobiographical story I did in 2000. After
four years, a lot has happened and needs to be told, so let me start about
where I left off...

	I have been dressing a long time. I can recall a hundred or so
occasions not listed before. Such as I time I went to my friends house when
I was 8 or so wearing a bra under my jacket with no shirt on, the jacket
was just zipped up all the way. That night I ended up sleep at his house on
a beanbag chair; I put a knitted blanket over me and took the jacket
off. You could so see a white bra through the holes in the blanket. I
looked over and my friend was looking at me, he saw it. He never uttered a
word. Around the same time my mom did laundry including my sheets and I had
a bra under my pillow to wear when I slept, she brought it up but nothing
ever afterwards. After I came back from Ruidoso, I got busted a few
times. My mom found panties and such and would yell at me. One time my
sister's dad was over after the divorce, and my mom was yelling at me, and
he asked me if I had "that night gown you've been wearing of your mom's". I
freaked out. I use to lie a lot when I was younger, so of course I lied
about it. I would also always come out to girlfriends, and after we broke
up would tell people about my CDing, and I would deny it. Even before the
Halloween where I got the name "Rachael", I wanted to go as a nurse one
year. My friend told me he was going as a French maid, so I said I would go
as a nurse. And I didn't hide it. I told everyone at school and
everything. Then he pussed out on me and I still wanted to do it (I think
maybe he tricked me in to doing it alone). So my mom let me wear a nurse
dress she had from being a nurse. I went next door and borrowed some white
hoes and wore a bra stuffed with a ton of toilet paper; my tits were
huge. But I didn't have the hat (my mom lost hers) and no shoes or make up
and my hair wasn't that long yet, but it could have been styled. But my mom
worked nights, and there was no one to help me. So then I'm in the bathroom
wondering what to do, and my friends come over to get me to go out. I was
so scared they would look under the door and see me. So I grabbed a blanket
from the closet and ran in my room while they were talking to my mom's
boyfriend who was there to watch me. I ended borrowing some of his clothes
and going as a gangster pimp, I even had two hoes. Later that night though,
I changed into a dress and bra and panties and hoes, and went in the living
room to my mom's bf "Paul", and said, "This was what I was going to wear."
he just laughed and kept watching TV, I ended up watching it with him
dressed like that and he never said shit. I was comfortable too. Until
later I cracked a joke about a girl on TV looking at me for wearing a
dress, he laughed again and told me to take it off. Not long after that we
took the trash out while I was still in the dress, and I changed and went
to bed. There were also a bunch of times I would wear women's undies under
my clothes at school. At high school, I only had one semester of P.E. I
took advantage of not having P.E. too, I wore pantyhose and panties a lot,
that's the same time I started shaving my legs. I would paint my nails too,
but it just suited how I dressed, kind of goth skaterish and grunge.

	So to continue after I dated TJ. I kept dressing and going up to
IHOP. My friends there just started to take it in as valid and that it was
just me. I was working at a warehouse, and I was always afraid to wear
something at work, and then get into an accident, and get exposed. My hair
was long as hell too, to the middle of my back. So it didn't take much to
look femm. In this period, I started to question my life style, and became
more masculine, probably because of where I worked and I needed to keep
appearances up. I got a lot of bullshit there anyways, I didn't need
anymore. So off went the hair. I cut it all off. It was short enough to
spike up all over. Then I bleached it and dyed it all blue. I loved it. I
had a my blue wig of the same color so any exposed hair from the wig
matched and looked like I had long hair again when I needed it to dress
up. I only did it after work and on weekends, just whenever I could. Still
never let my mom see me.

	At 19 I started dating this girl Brittany. I met her online and
found out she lived close to me. We hit it off and she was so pretty and
tom boyish, that I didn't want to tell her about me. One night she wanted
me to go to a Drag show. I joked and said, "do you have to go in drag to go
to a drag show?" hoping that she would say yes and I could go as Rachael
and then tell her everything. She just laughed and said no. one night I
wore makeup over to her house, she didn't say much and it didn't seem to
faze her. It just went with looking goth or whatever (I hate labels). I
would still dress at home and such, but just not around her, I wanted to
tell her so bad. One time she called me while I was asleep wearing a bra,
panties, hose and a slip, everything in black of course, and she wanted me
to come see her at work while she was on her break. So just put boy clothes
on over it all and went. I took the bra off so that she wouldn't feel it
while hugging me. Another girl named Lindsey was a friend of mine and I had
tried to hook up with for a long time, but things didn't click right, was
the only person I could talk to about my situation with Brittany. She knew
all about me and just thought I should come out and tell my gf. Broke up
came before I could. I found out she was cheating on her boyfriend of 3
years on me. I should felt flattered but I wasn't. I can't stand cheating
or lying even though I have cheated before. So I ended up later going out
with my friend Lindsey. Who came back from California to be with me.

	It was great. She already knew all about me and accepted me, and it
was a turn on to her to see me as a women. One night she asked me if she
could dress me up, so I of course said yes. I even went and bought thigh
highs and fake nails for the occasion. I brought all my makeup and stuff
over to her house and she showed me what I was to wear, I glitter covered
black over the knee dress, a garter belt that was new to me, and some
awesome platform heals. She even had a brown wig to match my hair to
wear. I was working doing landscaping by then, (a job I got to see Brittany
more, which didn't do any good) so I had an awful uneven tan that didn't
look to flattering while dressed in pretty clothes. I accompanied Lindsey's
clothes with things I had, black panties, a bustier she had given me along
time before that, and a bra. She even let me wear a long cardigan like
sweater to finish off the outfit. First off though, she put the fake nails
on at her house and painted them. Then her parents came home and she didn't
want them to see me dressed up, so we went to my house to get me all
ready. The following makes me respect women a lot more for the bullshit I
went though that night that women have to go through everyday. First off,
getting dressed with long nails is almost impossible without previous
practice. The bustier and hose sucked the most to do, and make up was kind
of tricky, and snapping the hose to the garter belt. Upon completion I even
wanted to wear earrings while the holes in my ears had closed up. Lindsey
had a hard fucking time putting them in, and they kept bleeding. Afterwards
they hurt for days. I even asked her" women do this everyday?!" and just
simply said yes and kept on, as if it was a lesson for a day in the life as
a women, something I had not truly done before.  All we did after
completion was go t one of her friend's houses so she could show me off. I
even had one of her purses on. All that night too I had my friend Justin
calling me to hangout. I didn't want to come out to him yes so I just kept
saying that I needed to spend time with Lindsey in fear that he would she
me dressed.  After going out, we went back to my house, I tried to run back
to my room because my sisters were awake, but I was spotted. One of my
sisters saw me and said "oh my god", before I made it to my room. I just
got in and locked the door. I have a pic of me of when I got back home
too. After that, we had crazy sex while I was still dressed. It was
awesome. We would do things like that after that night. When she got back
from Cali she was pregnant, and she said the scary word to me, "step dad",
and I said I didn't want to do that and we broke up. I dressed up that
Halloween very well too and things I still had of hers. I had planned to go
to a friend's party dressed up. I had shaved and such the night before, and
at work (doing landscaping) I wore panties and a shirt slip under my
clothes all day to prepare me for that night. After work I went home and
cleaned up and shaved again, and went trick or treating with my mom in a
costume I threw together, a trench coat and a scary mask. Afterwards I went
home, got my girl clothes and make-up, and went to my friend's house for
the party. I got dressed in her room. And came out and no one knew it was
me for a while. I even invited my friend Justin to the party, so he could
see me. I pretty much came out to him that night, and he was cool with
it. I soon had my 20th b-day while my family was away in an empty house and
had a great party. Nothing too much, it was just fun. That was November
30th 2002.

	Soon afterwards in December, I ran into a girl I liked for a bit
named Stephanie at her work, and she worked at a toy store (how cool is
that). I called her later that night and we soon hit it off hard and
started dating. Mean while, my mom found another house and we moved only
cattycorner from our house. Our new house was only like 4 or 5 house down.
On Stephanie's b-day, I surprised her and went over dressed up as her
present and she loved it and I told her all about me, and she was totally
fucking cool about it. She was a fan of the gay crowed and had a lot of
drag queen friends and found them hot but untouchable since they liked men,
so I was different cause I liked women and she could have me. I only lived
in the new house for 2 weeks before I moved in with Steph. Something that I
had never done, and it was the craziest fucking 11 moths of my life yet to
date.

	Everything was amazing the first few months. We were hard core in
love, and she loved everything about me, Randall and Rachael. At first I
just dressed as I normally did, every now and then and not going out
much. And I could tell she didn't really want her friends to know about
me. But as time progresses she wanted me to dress more and more. She also
use to be a dominatrix, which I found incredible hot. So she would go in
domm mode and I would go in femm mode and we would have fun. We bought tons
of duck tape in all colors and I would end up bound and dressed up a lot. I
would go in and out of being really feminine. Then I told her everything,
even let her read my first story on this site to fill her in on my
past. And it just made her love me more, and in return I loved her sooo
much I couldn't bare it, to be with someone that loved me for me, it was
something I dreamed about. Another badass thing about living there, her and
I were about the same size, so we had a joint wardrobe. It fucking rocked,
I could dress up when ever and had more clothes than I knew what to do
with. When we got our income tax returns, we went out and bought more
clothes for Rachael, things every girl needs, panties and bras to wear
everyday and other things such as hose and such. I could sleep in things I
use to wear when I slept alone like nightgowns and slips. She turned me on
to pajama pants and camis to sleep in which rock. She even started plucking
my eyebrows and we would shower together and shave our legs and do make-up
and nails and other femm things I never did with anyone else like that
before. I never wanted to be anywhere but there with her ever again. We
even got engaged. Little things started happening though. She was a very
emotional girl. She would get depressed or angry and take it out on me, or
she would dumb me because she thought I was going to dump her. It seemed
like things were so good, it was too good to be true to her. Plus she lets
things get to her that are bullshit and takes some things to hard. Such as,
I joke around a lot and she would take things I said to heart and get
upset. I am a way laid back person, so this was also new to me. But I
always seemed to pick her up and dust her off and let her know I loved her
and everything would be ok as long as we had each other. We started to play
a lot more with her being dominant and me dressing up a lot. So much so
that I finally came out to my friends and family that didn't already
know. It was awesome to have all that fear lifted off my shoulders.  I
wanted to come out and tell everyone of my want for a sex change. I told
Steph and she was accepting, but I could tell it bugged her. She said she
fell in love with the boy first, not the girl, and that on hormones I could
change and she wouldn't know the girl. So I withheld saying anything about
it for a while, it got brought up a few times, one time so much that I was
ready to tell my mom so I could start my hormone therapy. It never
happened. Things were getting rough and stressed on me. I called off the
engagement and that hurt Steph allot. I didn't want to get married that
soon in my life and it seemed she was more concerned about the shoes and
the dress and the location of the wedding more than she was about us. But
we stayed together. She would freak out on me more and more though, and I
couldn't take it. I wanted to leave her. The night I said that, I had the
worst pains in my stomach. I had had the pains for a while, they came and
went, but that night was the worst. Amongst all the fighting, it must have
set something off. And she drove me to the hospital, while calling into
work. I thought this to be a lot coming from a might be soon to be ex. I
got at the hospital at like 9 or 10 in the morning, I waited in a room for
10 hours before I had anything happen, Steph stayed with me the hole time,
I was terrible pain. She just kept trying to call my mom. She finally with
my sister's dad. He was the one that got me the attention I needed, he
yelled at nurses and staff till they came in with morphine and I went and
got my ex-rays and an I.V.  Come to find out, my gallbladder had 2 huge
stones in it and it had to come out. I was in the hospital for 3 days all
doped up on morphine and I still held a grudge about the fight and wanted
to move out. I couldn't stay with my mom cause I couldn't get the rest I
needed and the dogs could jump on my stitches and hurt me, so I went home
with Stephanie. We fixed things as usual. She babied me back to
heath. Putting female clothes on to "make me feel better" and making sure I
was ok. I got better. And started dressing up even more, despite my new
scars on my stomach. We started trying to play our domm and sissy game more
and more. We even posted a fictional story on this called Mistress Scarlet
and Rachael.

	Then the day I will regret forever happened. I cheated on her with
a mutual friend. But I didn't hide it or nothing, I told her the day it
happed, I wanted to get forgiveness and move on, and I totally crushed
her. I felt so guilty for what I did to her, I thought I should leave
because she deserved better. I had always left myself open for things and
didn't think about the future and was still trying to be a free spirit. I
did a lot of thinking and realized that if she is the person I want to be
with, I need to close these doors and devote myself completely to
her. After I fucked up, we seemed to change roles, actually everything
changed. She got pregnant and I was going to be a dad, or a second
mother. I was in and out of jobs. And when I didn't work I dressed up, so
if I didn't have a job for 3 months, I was living as a woman. I had to do a
lot to win back Stephanie's trust, in the mean while, the girl I cheated on
her with was hiding out and was lying about be saying shit I didn't do and
making the situation worse. All I did id kiss her and she went down on
me. And then I stopped it because I knew what would happen next. So Steph
having this new anger for what I did, became very dominant and over ruling
and controlling, and I submitted myself to her completely. I would be in
femm as much as she wanted and do anything I was told to do, like clean in
and do the dishes in a bra and panties, I would. Or go get us food dressed
up. By this time almost everyone knew about me. I would go to my mom's
house dressed up and she was cool, she would only comment my outfits as she
did my sister, I felt like the older sister and the other daughter my mom
never had. My friends would come over and not even flinch to what I wore,
which were very feminine clothing. I would even go to band practice as a
woman. I would wake up and do my make-up and get dressed as most women
do. Do my chores and house work while Steph worked, and I would do anything
else she wanted. We lived in a very BDSM lifestyle. I called her mistress
and I was Rachael all the time. I would get beating for being bad, and
rewards for completing task and being good.  I even went as a gypsy
fortuneteller for Halloween. Despite this game, we fought a lot, and didn't
have as many good moments, and I knew I was to blame. I got a job and she
quit hers. So I could take care of my pregnant girlfriend/mistress. She
would order me to wear panties at work and would check to make sure when I
got home. She would sometimes tie me up or bound me in my undies and leave
my in the bedroom while we had company. I would just lay there, helpless
and jus hear all the fun everyone else was having while I was bound and
gagged in the dark sometimes being tortured my something and I could even
mutter a word. A lot of things like that were probably because I asked for
it and I was being punished for cheating. In fact, I never lived it
down. How much I begged and pleated, I couldn't get Steph's full
forgiveness, and I was truly sorry. I hurt the one person that meant more
to me than anyone; my future wife, my child's mother and she also felt like
my soul mate. We just had too much in common. Things went dark real
quick. I lost my job because I have a bad knee, Steph had a miscarriage and
lost the baby, and the next day my 2000 ford ranger got repossessed.  On
top of that, Steph had starting talking to a mutual friend of ours, like
she had a high school crush. I a lot of times got pushed aside and left
alone. I would try to show her how much I loved her and cared for
especially after the baby. But she went numb, dead inside. I was no longer
a priority it felt like. To cut to the chase, she dumped me a day before my
21st b-day and went straight to that guy. I moved back in with my mom, and
was the most miserable I had ever been. I felt like I lost everything.

	I got a new job, new truck, and stated drinking a lot. Most my
money went to drinking. My mom said I needed a brake after everything that
had happened and I just needed to relax a while. So I went to a lot of
bars. I also wrote a lot of amazing songs about Steph. Some beautiful, some
dark and angry. I talked to her off and on and getting back together, and
when I realized she was lying to me about that, I cut her off and told her
to leave me alone, for my own good.

	I tried to dress up after that. But it seemed like, it was
something I did for her and that Steph was a huge part in Rachael's life,
and when she was gone, there wasn't much room for Rachael and it just
didn't feel the same. After all that, that submissive guy in me that like
blue, and the women that had just seen real sunlight in 20 years died. I
revamped myself to what I wanted to be. I decided to mix male and female
clothes and create my own style. Still wearing make-up and such, just more
like a glam rocker does. I was male, and androgynous. Remaking myself, I
needed a new name too, for my new identity. I named myself Rebel
Doll. Through out the year I kept trying to dress up as Rachael but she
feels pretty much dead in all aspects. If I'm in women's clothes now, I
just feel like a guy in women's clothes. There is no transformation
anymore. That magic is gone. Anything I do now is for fun or fetish or for
a girl that likes it. I still haven't dated anyone, I'm not ready to, but I
did have a lot of single guy sex. Nothing like that feels like it use to
before Stephanie, its just lust. I need to change everything about me, not
just inside and out. But my surroundings too. So I have to decided to move
to California for good to peruse my one true passion, music. Will Rachael
return? I ask myself that sometimes, but I'm not sure. One of many things
that I have learned is, you never know what's going to happen.


Any comments or questions, e-mail me at rando1000@yahoo.com