Saturday morning, Vicki wandered around the motocross track aimlessly looking for something that looked like a starting line. John had told her that they would be there for two hours that morning. Parents would watch their kids from various places along the track, but the best spot to watch would be near the starting line. She would be able to identify the kids before they put on their helmets.
Giving up on finding the starting line, she decided to join the first group she came across. She finally she found a small group of people standing beside the track. There were four substantial rises along the track. Not having any better place to go, she joined them thinking that this might be a good place to watch the action.
When the first pair of motorcycle rode past, she had no idea what she was seeing. The sounds of motorcycles screaming past hurt her ears. From where she stood watching it seemed to her that the riders were in the air half of the time. She wondered what they were trying to accomplish.
She watched the riders stream past hoping to identify her kids. The riders looked like spacemen bundled up in all of their safety gear. There wasn't an inch of skin visible. The leather clothes, gloves, boots, knee pads, elbow pads, and helmet hid any feature that might allow identification.
When one of the riders went down, she feared that he or she was dead. The others watching barely reacted to the spill. She was shocked when the kid got up and climbed back on the bike. He, she assumed the rider was a he, peeled out like he was being chased by demons. It was the first of several spills that she witnessed.
After an hour, she gave up trying to identify her kids amongst the riders. It was hopeless trying to identify them when they were encased in gear that covered every inch of their body. She decided to leave.
Leaving was easier said than done. She had no idea where she had parked her car. She wandered around looking for any kind of familiar landmark. It was only by accident that she noticed John's truck. Her kids were gathered around it loading the motorcycles onto a trailer. It was hard to believe that those were her kids wearing black leather outfits that made them look like some sort of modern day gladiators. They looked so strong and confident.
Turning away, Vicki spotted her car at the other end of the parking lot. She raced over to it and left before the kids had a chance to notice her.
At the truck, Lisa said, "I'm telling you that I saw her here."
"That's impossible," David said.
Lisa said, "She was standing with that group of people at the double jump."
The track here was a lot larger than the one at John's farm. The one at the farm was a little thing that allowed them a little of the thrill of motocross, but wasn't really challenging. This was larger and with a variety of riding challenges. The double jump was one of the features Lisa really enjoyed and she tried to push the envelope on it.
David said, "Your eyes should be on the track; not on the people watching."
"I wiped out there. I saw her when I was getting back on the bike," Lisa said.
Rose asked, "Are you sure it was her?"
"Yes," Lisa said.
"What was she doing here?" Rose asked.
John asked, "Who are you talking about?"
"Mother," Lisa said. "She was here."
"I wonder what she was doing here," John said.
Rose said, "She was spying on us."
"Why would she be spying on you?" John asked.
Rose answered, "Maybe she's looking for a way to kill us."
"Don't be ridiculous, Rose," John said.
Lisa asked, "How did she know we would be here?"
"That's a good question," Rose said looking over at her father.
John said, "I may have mentioned it when I stopped by the house to do some work in the office yesterday."
"Why would you mention it?" Rose asked suspiciously.
"I probably told her about it when I was letting her know our schedule."
Lisa asked, "Why would you tell her our schedule?"
"I was letting her know when we would be stopping by the house today," John answered.
"Why would you tell her when we were going to be there?" Rose asked.
John said, "So she wouldn't be there."
"I want to talk to her," Rose said.
"No you don't," John said flatly.
"Yes I do," Rose said.
"You don't want to talk to her. You want to yell at her," John said.
"It's the same thing," Rose said.
She crossed her arms and looked at him as if challenging him to argue. They had already had that discussion once.
"No it isn't," John said. Before she had a chance to counter, he asked, "Are you going to finish loading the motorcycles or are we going to be here all day?"
"We'll load the motorcycles," Lisa said.
John watched them while thinking that it was going to be a long day.
Sunday morning, John led the three kids down the aisle of the church to their normal pew. No matter what was going on, John insisted that everyone attend church every Sunday. He felt that it was important that the kids had a good sense of God.
It wasn't until they were about to sit down that David noticed his mother sitting in a pew two rows behind them. He stared at her for a full five seconds wondering why she was there. He never remembered her being particularly religious. He felt that she went to church to make an appearance of being a loving sweet mother. There was no need for that act now.
He commented, "Mother is here."
Looking around wildly, Rose asked, "Where?"
"Two rows behind us," David answered.
"I'm going kill her," Rose said.
John said, "Rose!"
"What?" Rose asked.
John said, "We are in the house of the Lord. It is holy place. We do not fight on sacred ground."
"All right," Rose said through tight lips. "Can't I ask her to leave?"
"No," John answered.
Throughout the service, Rose kept glancing back to glare at her mother. Even David was getting tired of it. He put a hand on the back of her neck to keep from from being able to turn around. Initially she struggled, but finally gave up.
The service was not remarkable. With Rose fidgeting, David wrestling with her, Lisa sulking, and John watching over all of the kids, none of them could have told anyone what the sermon had been about. It seemed like hours passed before they could get up and leave.
Reverend Billings had taken his usual position at the door of the church to exchange words with the parishioners as they left. He was a man of small stature in his late fifties. Worry lines around his eyes and mouth made him look older. The easy smile transformed what was basically a sad face into something that made him look like a very compassionate and caring man.
The entire congregation agreed that Reverend Billings was not the usual man of the cloth. He had a different take on things that often left people confused. One Easter he delivered a sermon about the other resurrection described in the Bible, that of Lazarus being raised from the dead by Jesus. It was definitely not the sermon anyone expected on the day celebrating the resurrection of Christ.
John enjoyed his sermons, just because they were a little different. Others who expected a more traditional service usually left the church. There was a solid core of parishioners who swore that Reverend Billings was a very holy man and would argue quite heatedly with anyone suggesting that he be replaced.
At the door, the reverend shook hands with John. He said, "I notice there is a little tension in your family."
"Has anyone ever told you that you are a master of understatement?" John said.
Reverend Billings said, "If you need someone to talk with, remember that I'm always available."
"Thank you, Reverend," John said. "I'll keep that in mind."
Turning to Rose, Reverend Billings said, "Rose, I think you would do well to remember the commandment to honor your mother and father."
Rose replied, "She has to be honorable before she deserves to be honored."
"I understand how you feel. When I was a child there were many times when I plotted the destruction of my parents after they had done something that I felt was unfair. It is the kind of thing that children do. You are no longer a child," Reverend Billings said.
"So you're saying that I'm acting childish," Rose said.
He replied, "When I grew up I discovered that while my parents weren't perfect, they were doing the best they could for me. There is a kind of honor in that and that is what the commandment is telling us. We should honor them because they try to do the best they can for us."
Rose's eyes narrowed. "Are you criticizing me?"
"No. I'm merely pointing out that what you are feeling is a universal experience we all go through. Even I, a man of the cloth, have experienced it. I am only trying to place what you are feeling in the context of what God has said about that experience," Reverend Billings said.
"So you are saying that I'm childish because I won't forgive her for abandoning me because she was too wrapped up in what she was doing to be a mother and God doesn't approve of me," Rose said.
Reverend Billings smiled thinking that Rose had just uttered one hell of a sentence. He said, "I never said parents are perfect. They are human and susceptible to all of the same temptations that lie before you."
"You're defending her just because she's an adult and I'm not. You don't even know what she did," Rose said turning to leave.
"I know exactly what you think she did," Reverend Billings said.
"What?"
"You think she abandoned you because she was too wrapped up in what she was doing," Reverend Billings answered.
"I just told you that," Rose said.
"And I listened," Reverend Billing said, "May I say one more thing."
"Sure," Rose said turning to look at him.
"Never underestimate the power of temptation to seduce you into doing something evil. In the beginning, its touch is soft, gentle, and sweet. It seems to be the answer to all of your problems, but with time it becomes your master and a horrible master it is," Reverend Billings said.
"What has that got to do with what we were talking about?" Rose asked.
"Don't succumb to the temptation of your anger. It will consume you," Reverend Billings said.
When Rose walked off towards the car, Reverend Billings said, "The same goes for you, Lisa."
Not wanting to get into a theological argument, Lisa said, "I'm going to the car."
"What about me?" David asked.
Reverend Billing said, "David, learning the need to resist temptation is a universal lesson. It applies to all of us: Rose, Lisa, you, your father, your mother, and me. Temptation is part of the human experience. It is present in our lives every minute of every day. It comes in many forms and many flavors. Your mother succumbed to one temptation. Rose is falling to another. Ask yourself – what is tempting you?"
"I don't know," David answered.
"That is what makes temptation so seductive. We don't see that we're succumbing to it until it is too late," Reverend Billings said.
David asked, "So how do we resist it when we don't recognize that we are being tempted?"
"Good question," Reverend Billings answered.
"That's it? Good question? What kind of answer is that?" David asked.
"An answer intended to spark your curiosity and set you on a path of introspection, David," the reverend answered. He winked and said, "It looks like it worked."
"Thank you, Reverend," John said.
"Have a nice day," Reverend Billings said.
After all of the other parishioners left, Vicki approached Reverend Billings. She said, "I saw you talking to my family and didn't want to interfere. I stayed behind to pray for God's guidance."
"Prayer is always a good way to seek an answer when you are unsure of what to do," Reverend Billings replied.
"I fear that I have hurt my family beyond their ability to forgive," Vicki said.
"Before asking them to forgive you, you must understand what it is that you are asking them to forgive," Reverend Billings said.
Vicki asked, "What does that mean?"
"I'm saying that one day you are going to have to listen to their anger, subject yourself to the pain that they've felt, and know that in feeling it you haven't gained their forgiveness. You are going to have to prove to them that you feel their pain and acknowledge your role in delivering it to them. Their forgiveness will only come when, in an act of contrition, you demonstrate that you are truly sorry for having hurt them," Reverend Billings said.
Vicki said, "You make it sound hopeless."
"Come inside the church where we can sit on the pews. I think we have a lot to discuss," Reverend Billings said.
Vicki followed him into the church and took a seat on a pew next to him. She said, "These seats are hard."
"I know the pew isn't exactly comfortable, but it is a lot better than standing in the sun," Reverend Billings said.
"True," Vicki said.
"Besides, my knees aren't as good as they used to be. I think it is all of that kneeling that goes with my job."
"Maybe," Vicki said.
Reverend Billings said, "Outside we were talking about hurting others and forgiveness."
"Yes, we were."
"To tell the truth, I find that a very fascinating topic," he said.
She asked, "Why?"
Reverend Billings said, "The Bible isn't very specific when it comes to describing heaven and hell. The Catholics had included purgatory, but dropped it. Most of what we think about heaven and hell was captured in the Divine Comedy by Dante. Have you read Dante?"
"I read the Inferno in college," Vicki said.
"That's the most famous book of his trilogy. All three books, Inferno, Purgatorio, and Paridiso, influenced our vision of heaven and hell. Unfortunately, I think the Divine Comedy is the most inaccurate vision of the afterlife in all of literature," Reverend Billings said.
Surprised by that, Vicki asked, "So what do you think is the afterlife?"
"I think that we experience all of the feelings that result from our actions in life," Reverend Billings answered. "That includes the good and the bad feelings."
"That doesn't sound so bad. I thought hell was an eternal punishment. Even bad guys occasionally do something nice," Vicki said wondering why they were discussing heaven and hell.
Reverend Billings said, "It might not sound so bad, but consider what happens in the afterlife to people who do evil. They have to experience the full consequences of the evil they have done. An evil person does something that harms another. That person, in response, harms a third and so on and so forth. The effects of a single evil act can span continents and propagate across fifteen or twenty generations. The person who does that initial bit of harm feels the pain in each victim in turn. When you string all of that together, what you have is a horrible punishment. Imagine the pain and suffering that Hitler will feel through eternity.
"People who do good will feel the benefits of the good feelings that result. For those people, the afterlife is filled with the happiness that their good works have produced. Imagine the kind of afterlife that Mother Teresa will experience. How many lives did she affect in a positive good manner? I can't even imagine it. She passed through the gates of heaven without feeling a moment of pain.
"Most of us fall between the extremes of evil incarnate and saint. We are in a bad mood one day and hurt someone. Another day, we are in a good mood and we do nice things for people. Our afterlife will be a mixture of living through the good and bad feelings that result from our actions.
"Let's take your situation as an example. You've done something that hurt your family. That's four people that you've hurt directly. How many people have they hurt as a result of your actions? Maybe a kid at school got a nasty comment thrown in his direction because your daughter was in a bad mood. He takes his frustration out on another. It is a chain reaction and you'll experience the pain that each of them experienced."
Vicki said, "That's horrible."
"I agree," Reverend Billings said.
"You're telling me that I'm already condemned to hell," Vicki said.
Reverend Billings said, "I'm not saying that. To tell the truth, that's why I think the Catholic Church was in too much of a hurry to abandon Purgatory. You also experience the good that you've done. For most of us, the good far outweighs the bad – the cheery good mornings, the smiles at people, the little compliments that we give others, and little acts of charity. Sometimes a simple word can turn around a person's whole day. And sometimes, if you're lucky, you can change a person's whole life for the better."
"Oh," Vicki said.
"You have a choice. You can stop the harm of your past actions from propagating forward by seeking forgiveness now or you can let things continue as they are."
"You don't believe that I can ask for forgiveness from God at the last minute and be saved?" Vicki asked.
Talking to Reverend Billings was not as reassuring as she had hoped. It seemed to her that he was suggesting that she was facing an unpleasant afterlife. She didn't like that idea at all.
"I believe you can be saved at the last minute, but it doesn't save you from the pain. Even Jesus felt the pain in that transition from life to death and perhaps beyond. He died for our sins. He didn't promise that we wouldn't have to face our sins," Reverend Billings answered.
Vicki said, "I guess he didn't."
"I think there is a period of cleansing and that it involves experiencing the pain before you experience the pleasure."
Vicki said. "I just thought all you had to do was repent and everything was forgiven."
He didn't talk about heaven and hell like other religious men. She wasn't sure if she found his words comforting or not.
"I don't really buy that," he said.
"You don't?" Vicki asked.
He answered, "There are a lot of people who come to church every Sunday and say all of the right things. They mouth the prayers, sing the hymns, and act all righteous. Then they go home, grab a beer, watch a dirty movie on television, and on occasion visit a whore house while the wife is out shopping. They talk the talk but they don't walk the walk.
"Then one day they discover they, or someone they love, are dying. All of a sudden they are on their knees praying for salvation. 'Oh God! Save me!' People try to wheel and deal with God. 'Oh God, if you save me I'll do this or that.' They mean it for the moment, but it is the fear talking and not the inner person. I've seen it a hundred times. I don't think God listens to that drivel.
"Occasionally, a person will really and truly open their heart and soul to God. God listens to them and, more importantly, they listen to God. They go forth and use what life they have left to reverse the harm they've done. With each act they halt the perpetuation of negatives of their past actions and, in some cases, the past actions of others. Metaphorically speaking, they are wiping the slate clean. That's the real miracle.
"I don't think God grants immediate access to heaven to those who pray at the last minute or damns to hell the man who never has a chance at a last minute prayer. I wouldn't want to serve a God like that. It makes him sound more like a petty bureaucrat than an all powerful all knowing God.
"The God I serve is omnipresent, omniscient, and omnipotent. He understands redemption better than those who pray for it."
Vicki said, "You've given me a lot to think about."
"Like I said earlier, the subject of seeking forgiveness for having hurt others is a passion of mine," he said.
Vicki asked, "What should I do to be forgiven by my family?"
"You need to face them one by one. You must listen when they tell you what your actions have done to them. You need to take their pain into yourself. Only then can you ask their forgiveness," Reverend Billings said.
"I guess I should start with David," Vicki said.
"No. You should start with your husband," he said.
"He's forgiven me," Vicki said.
Reverend Billings asked, "Did he tell you that you're forgiven?"
"No," Vicki said.
"Then he hasn't forgiven you," Reverent Billings declared.