Having nothing better to do, Sean walked down the path that led to the convenience store to pick up a soda. It was a nice Saturday afternoon and the weather had convinced him that it would be nicer to walk there rather than take his truck. Traveling the well worn path, he reached the junction that led off to Max's house. Much to his surprise he found Max seated on a fallen tree trunk tossing pebbles across the path.
After checking around to say hello to Clea, Sean realized that Max was alone for a change. Waving a hand at the young man, Sean said, "Hello, Max. How's it going?"
"Well enough," Max answered. They had won another football game the previous night. The game and the victory celebrations afterwards with Clea had left him worn out. He gestured to the trunk and said, "Pull up a seat."
"I don't mind if I do," Sean said. He sat down on the trunk and looked around. It was actually a rather nice spot to watch the activity in the woods. A pair of squirrels was running about; playfully taking turns chasing each other. There were a few birds flitting about in the trees. A nymph ran past being chased by one of the boys from school. It was just another typical day in the woods.
"I was doing a little research on the web this week," Max said.
Knowing the kind of research that was often his pursuit, Sean asked, "Did your research include pictures of naked women doing nasty things to men?"
"I think it would be more accurate to say that the pictures were of men doing nasty things to naked women," Max answered after double checking to make sure that Clea wasn't around. There was nothing quite as intimidating as a jealous Dwarf.
"Those are some of my favorite kinds of pictures," Sean said after looking around to make sure that Suzie wasn't anywhere around. There was nothing quite as intimidating as a jealous girlfriend.
Looking over at Sean, Max said, "I have come to the conclusion that you are doing it all wrong."
"That's interesting," Sean said. He thought about it for a minute and then asked, "Doing what all wrong?"
"You know, that magic thing," Max answered as if it was obvious.
"Oh, I thought you were going to say that I was doing the nasty thing to naked women all wrong," Sean said.
"I wouldn't know about that. I was talking about the magic thing," Max said.
"I think I'm doing the magic thing all right," Sean said. There were a lot of things that he could do with magic and he was still discovering more. It was his personal opinion that he was doing everything just the right way.
Max was silent for a second and then asked, "Have you figured out how to control an atom?"
Sean shook his head and answered, "No, I can't see the atom so I can't control it."
"Oh, I guess I didn't think about your magic having constraints like that," Max said a little disappointed by that particular restriction. He had a whole lot of ideas on how Sean could use individual atoms. "Can you change lead to gold?"
Shaking his head, Sean answered, "I can't do that. My magic doesn't work like that. That's changing the substance and not the thing."
"That sucks," Max said.
"You can say that again. I have to find a whole bunch of gold by the middle of next summer using magic. Believe me, it would be a whole lot easier to just change some lead to gold," Sean said. He was still a little unclear on how much gold he needed but suspected he was nowhere close to the appropriate amount.
Not really interested in Sean's problems in locating gold, Max shrugged his shoulders and said, "Anyway, that isn't what I meant by not doing the magic thing right."
"What did you mean?" Sean asked.
Even Max would have admitted that he had spent way too much time on the adult story sites over the past few days if anyone had asked him. Fortunately, no one asked him. He looked at Sean and said, "Well, I've been researching what teenage boys do when they get magic powers. You haven't been doing the right things."
"I'm not really cut out for that superhero stuff. Despite the fact that I've got the body of a young Adonis, you've got to admit that I would look stupid in spandex," Sean said waving a hand dismissively. He had already had that superhero conversation with Suzy. She disagreed with his assessment about how he would look in tights, but it wasn't a violent disagreement.
"That's not what I meant," Max said watching Sean adopt the pose of a muscleman. The only phrase that came to mind to describe the result was 'Super Chicken.'
Max thought about all of the stories he had read. They all had a few key common features. After reading a dozen of them, he had taken the time to compile a list just in case he had the chance to discuss the matter with Sean. He pulled out a sheet of paper and made a production of opening it. Convinced he had Sean's attention, he said, "I have made a list of the key relevant points. I started with the essential characteristics of the young man upon whom magic is bestowed."
"That's interesting," Sean said raising an eyebrow. The Dwarves had already explained the criteria by which he had been chosen.
Max read, "The finder of magic is a geek."
"That's not me. I'm more of a nerd than a geek," Sean said proudly. He and Lily had established that at the Surf and Turf over dinner one night.
"The finder of magic is an inept virgin until right after getting the magic," Max said.
Blessed with an active imagination and less than firm memory for history, Sean said, "I was always a sexual god. Women fell to their knees for my favors. I'm enough of a gentleman that I won't mention what they did while on their knees."
Max stared at Sean wondering how he could say that with a straight face. He said, "Name one woman who fell to her knees in front of you."
"Well, maybe they didn't actually fall to their knees, but they wanted to do that," Sean said. He wasn't going to admit that he still tended to hyperventilate when Suzy was acting particularly sexy.
Shaking his head, Max decided that subject was best dropped. He said, "The finder of magic is smarter than every adult around him."
"That is true," Sean said nodding his head in agreement. He added, "I would deny it, but that kind of humility doesn't become me."
"I was going to say that the last bit didn't fit you, but the other criteria were pretty accurate," Max said looking down at the list.
Sean said, "At least the description of me is almost right. We won't quibble over those two areas where it is totally wrong."
"There are only three characteristics," Max said looking down at his list.
"It is odd isn't it? You have three characteristics that sound almost right and yet they are off by so much," Sean said. "It just makes you wonder."
Shaking his head, Max said, "The point I am trying to make is that you started out as the perfect young man to get magic, but that you failed to follow the correct pattern of behavior after getting magic."
"Really? I find that rather surprising," Sean said sitting up a little straighter. He thought that he had been doing things rather well.
"I'm serious," Max said.
Worried that he was doing something incorrect, Sean asked, "What did I do wrong?"
"Well, you were supposed to immediately acquire a harem of sex starved women," Max said looking back down at his list.
"Really?"
"Yes."
"Suzy wouldn't like that," Sean said trying to imagine how Suzy would react to that suggestion.
"You are supposed to be having sex ten times a day," Max said looking down at his list. The stories were quite explicit about that point. In fact, that was a major proportion of the stories.
Looking down between his legs, Sean wondered if he could actually do something like that. The idea was kind of attractive, but he didn't think Suzy would go for it. He said, "I kind of like the idea of that."
Max snorted and said, "Like you would even be able to move after having sex ten times in one day."
"Why would I want to move?" Sean asked confused by the suggestion that he would ever want to move around. "With a harem there to feed grapes to me and a number of women willing to have sex ten times a day, I would never want to leave the bedroom."
Max privately agreed with Sean on that, but he said, "There are other things that you are supposed to be doing. It appears in all of the stories that the guy becomes a millionaire, changes the entire political situation of the world, defeats dozens of bad guys, and still gets eight hours of sleep every night."
"When am I supposed to be doing other stuff?" Sean asked thinking that having sex ten times a day would pretty much occupy all of his time. There wouldn't be much of a day left even if he just spent five minutes spend doing the deed. The naps after each coupling would use up the rest of the day.
Max frowned while he considered the question. He answered, "That was one of the things I couldn't figure out. Somehow people with magic are able to have buildings constructed in a week."
"It takes a week for the concrete to dry," Sean said pointing out an obvious problem.
"That's beside the point. You're supposed to be out in the world doing great and unrealistic things," Max said.
"It sounds tiring to me. I'd be exhausted after having all of that sex," Sean said rubbing his chin.
"Despite the fact that I agree with that," Max said, "the point is that you are supposed to be fighting all kinds of bad guys."
"Why?" Sean asked. The chances of finding a bunch of bad guys to fight were pretty horrible since there weren't any bad guys in his little town. Considering that he spent most of his time either at school or at work, that didn't leave much time to go elsewhere looking for bad guys. He didn't think it would be proper to go out and create some bad guys.
Max frowned while trying to come up with a reasonable answer. The stories never covered that aspect of it. He answered, "So that any stories about you aren't boring."
"I guess I can agree with that," Sean said. "I suppose that a story in which the main character doesn't do much other than go to school is kind of boring."
"You can say that again. Of course, it wouldn't be boring if everyone went to school naked," Max said thinking that the web was full of great ideas like that.
"That's a good idea," Sean said perking up. "Maybe we ought to suggest that to Principal Charmers."
"I don't think he would go for the idea. We wouldn't learn how to read and write much less do arithmetic," Max said knowing the effect that the distractions of having naked women in class would have on his education.
"You're right. It is hard enough to concentrate on the material in classes with the girls dressed," Sean said knowing that he would spend all of his time looking at Suzie rather listening to the class material. Of course, he already did that so it wouldn't be much of a change.
"Right," Max said getting lost in a daydream about going to school with naked girls.
Sean sat there for a minute thinking about what Max had said. Finally, he said, "I suppose I can ask Suzy if I could have a harem."
Thinking that wouldn't be the smartest thing in the world to do, Max said, "I'd like to watch you propose that idea to her."
"Nah, that is something that I should probably do when I'm alone with her," Sean said. He figured that there was likely to be a pretty ugly scene until he convinced her of the merits of having a harem. He doubted that she was going to want to have sex ten times a day.
"I think I would rather have a crowd around so that they could protect me when she goes crazy," Max said.
"You're probably right," Sean said.
"I am," Max said. "Can you imagine how Clea would react if I were to ask her to have sex ten times a day?"
"No," Sean answered.
"Actually, now that I think about it -- she might go for that idea," Max said. At least it was a lot more likely that Clea would go for it than Suzie.
"Maybe I ought to just start with the idea of having sex ten times a day and hold off on the harem idea for a bit," Sean said exhibiting the first bit of common sense in the entire conversation.
"That would probably be safer," Max said.
"Ten times a day?" Suzie asked wanting to make sure that she had the details correct. She wasn't about to kill Sean without being sure of why she was killing him.
"That's right," Sean said nodding his head.
"You're supposed to have sex ten times a day," Suzie repeated. She looked around the area for something to throw at him. It was beginning to sound to her like he was taking their relationship for granted.
"Max said I'm supposed to be engaging in sex ten times a day. I guess that is morning, noon, and night. Well, really it would have to be three times in the morning, three times at noon, three times at night, and an extra one added somewhere during the day."
Sarcastically, Suzie suggested, "Maybe that extra time should be in the afternoon."
"That would be perfect," Sean said. She was accepting this proposal a whole lot better than he had anticipated. Maybe making it at the picnic table at the Dairy King had been a smart move on his part.
"Max told you that you were supposed to have sex ten times a day?" Suzie asked. She wanted to make sure that the she had the source of this idea correct. It was going to complicate Sean's murder to have to kill the two of them rather than just him.
"Yes, he did," Sean answered. This was going a lot better than he thought it would.
"I might get sore doing it that often," Suzie said sweetly. It was a whole lot easier to catch flies with honey than with vinegar. She was sure that there was more to this idea than Sean had told her.
"Hmm, I wonder if that is why I'm supposed to have a harem." Sean said rubbing the back of his head. The frequency of doing it ten times a day seemed to fit well with the concept of a harem. He wondered how many women constituted a harem.
"A harem?" Suzie asked. Her sweet smile had disappeared simultaneously with hearing the word 'harem.'
Sean wondered why it was suddenly so cold. It seemed like the temperature had dropped a good twenty degrees. He looked up at the sky wondering if a cold front was moving into the area. There wasn't a cloud in the sky. Sean answered, "Yes."
"Max said that you were supposed to have a harem," Suzie repeated just to make sure that she understood from whence these ideas were coming. She didn't want to go to jail for murdering the wrong person. As far as she was concerned, Max shouldn't be putting those kinds of ideas in Sean's head.
"Yes he did. He researched it on the web and said that all young men in my position had a harem and engaged in sex ten times a day," Sean said.
"What position is that?" Suzie asked.
Sean thought he had already explained that. He answered, "Having magic powers."
"I see," Suzie said.
"Max thoroughly researched it. He even had a sheet of paper that outlined exactly what a young man with magic powers does."
"When were you going to bring up the harem?" Suzie asked.
"I figured that I would suggest it about the time when you got tired of having sex ten times a day," Sean answered. Once the words were out of his mouth, he realized that they didn't sound all that good.
Suzie looked at Sean for a full minute thinking that Clea should know about the kinds of things that Max was telling Sean. She was pretty sure that Clea would find it very interesting. She asked, "What else did Max tell you?"
Sean answered, "That I'm supposed to build buildings overnight, get rich, rule the world, and fight bad guys."
"Where did he do all his research?" Suzie asked.
"On the web," Sean answered. He added, "You know that if it is on the web that it has to be true."
Pretty sure that she knew that answer to her question, Suzie asked, "Was that the website for horny boys with too much time and lubricant on their hands?"
"They have one like that?" Sean asked. He thought that might make an interesting search term.
Rolling her eyes, Suzie answered, "They have millions of them."
"I'll have to check it out," Sean said. About the time that the words were out of his mouth, he realized that he probably shouldn't have said them aloud. He also realized that it was long past time he started backpedaling.
"That's not a good idea," Suzie said.
"You're right. That is a horrible idea," Sean said agreeably. The expression on Suzie's face reminded him of the expression on her mother's face when she threatened him with a trip to the vet.
"I'm glad that you agree with me," Suzie said. She sighed and added, "I guess if the research is so good that we'll just have to do it."
"Really?"
Suzie looked thoughtful for a minute and then said, "I think I'll discuss this with my mother. I'm pretty sure that she'll have a suggestion on how we can go about having sex ten times a day and finding women for your harem."
"Uh," Sean said with a sinking feeling in his stomach.
"What's the matter? You're looking pale," Suzie said.
Getting worried, he said, "Maybe you shouldn't mention this to your mother."
"Why not?" Suzie asked as if telling her mother that her boyfriend wanted to have sex ten times a day was an everyday kind of event.
"She will send me to the vet," Sean answered.
"That's not a bad idea," Suzie said with a smile.
Worried by the sudden return of her smile, Sean asked, "Why do you say that?"
"If you go to the vet then you won't want to have sex ten times a day and there would be no need for a harem," Suzie said.
"I don't like that idea," Sean said crossing his legs and covering his crotch with his hands.
"I think it is a marvelous idea," Suzie said.
"Let's just forget that I ever mentioned the whole thing," Sean said thinking it was suddenly getting pretty hot.
"Are you sure?" Suzie asked sweetly.
"I'm quite sure. It wasn't even my idea. It was Max's idea and I never really thought it was a good one," Sean said.
"If you're sure..."
"I'm sure," Sean said thinking that he had dodged a bullet.
Suzie was quiet for a few seconds and then asked, "Why would you bring up the topic of having sex ten times a day without mentioning the getting rich part?"
Sean was about to answer that having sex ten times a day was a whole lot more interesting than getting rich when he reconsidered his answer. After trying to come up with a good answer and not finding one, he said, "I think I need to be getting back to work. There are French Fries to torture and onion rings to execute."
"Not until I'm done with you," Suzie said with a smile.
Sunday morning, Sean slipped into the classroom and went over to his biology experiment carrying a bag with food for the lobsters. Once there, he looked in the habitat to see how his lobsters were doing. Not quite believing his eyes, he stepped back and scratched his head. Thinking that he might see something a little different upon giving it a second try, he stepped forward and looked into the habitat again. He had the same result. Frowning, he said, "They must have escaped."