Title: My Journey Back to the Womb Author: BabyInDiapers Written: Saturday, June 4, 2005 16:00 Today while I was home alone, I decided to have a little fun putting on several pairs of pants, jeans and shirts. I went outside and got wet in the water hose after peeing my pants. It held most of the pee just like a diaper. At this point in the afternoon I was just goofing around as I usually do when home alone. Once I was soaked I ran into the house and got in the shower wearing 2 pairs of underwear, one pair of shorts, 3 pairs of jeans, and 4 pull on t-shirts. By this point I took my socks off before coming in the house. After I was in the nice hot shower with all those clothes on for a while I slipped off the 3 pairs of jeans and the shorts. I was now wearing 2 pair of underwear, and 4 pull on t-shirt. I took the jeans and laid them on the opposite side of the shower from where the faucet was. I then laid my head against the jeans and made it comfortable around my head so that I was supported and comfortable. I put my feet up against the walls of the shower towards the faucet end. At first this felt like a rather awkward position but I was enjoying the warm water hitting my genital area. This is the point where my silly fun, turned out to be an unplanned journey back to the womb. I had the shorts covering my face to avoid splashing up my nose and in my eyes. I could see through a little opening I had left via the leg opening of the shorts. As I lay there in the shower my back with the 4 t-shirts blocked the drain so that the water began to rise in the shower. I began to feel the water all around me. After a while it got high enough that it went in my right ear since my head was slightly leaned that way. All this time at this point I was talking to myself as if I were my mother figure. Once both ears were submerged, I truly felt like I was in the womb. I was warm, felt free floating, my arms mainly. My feet were used to there positions and I in some ways was completely feeling nothing accept warmth and wetness. I began to somehow know that I was in the womb with all the fluid and the warmth. I once both ears were submerged I just felt like when I spoke it was as though a person from without myself was speaking to me. I laid there for a long time, probably took me 15 minutes to get to that place of comfort and I stayed there 30 minutes just feeling completely enclosed in the womb. The water sound once my ears were submerged was southing, not to mention the warm water all around. Even in my awkward position, some how I reached total homostaceous, the feeling that every need was met and that all was perpetually well within and without. Now that I am writing this it's so hard to communicate exactly how it was. I am not sure if I will ever be able to go there again or not. What made it intense is when I realized the water was about to go out of the shower, I sat up slowly with my eyes still closed and pulled my thick shirts off and it felt like symbolically that I was sliding through the birth canal. I know that it took allot of imagination, and without the right mindset, it never would have meant anything, but because of my imagination, and my desperately wanting to be inside my maternal figure, It just worked. I now realize that diapers and breastfeeding is just a mere after effect and that the womb is really where the true security and peace stems from. After all, what is a diaper around your bottom and your private parts, and mommy's breast and her arms, when you just came from being completely sealed away inside of her with nothing else around you but her. IT kind of makes me rethink the whole diaper and baby thing. Lets put it this way, next time I'm free for a few hours, you know where Ill be... in the shower, or should I say, in the womb. ... sighs ... I really fell like that experience in some ways has healed me. I still wore a diaper when I was done with the whole "womb adventure" and I also felt better. I looked at myself once I was sitting in the shower coming out of it. I saw myself as cute and adorable, as a mother would when she just had her newborn baby. I also realized that I couldn't go around in life carrying a chip on my shoulder for my biological mom putting me up for adoption. What ever her reasons were, it doesn't matter. I spent nine months inside her. She took care of me. It was just the world outside of her womb that made life difficult, for her, and for me. I think what is healed inside of me is that I forgive her, I always have tried and have forgiven her on certain levels, but now I forgive her on a deeper level. I know she loved me. I would 't let myself believe that for years. But now I do. I think somehow this "revisiting of the womb" did allow me to in some ways have remembrance of that time, at least in a way that my whole being now feels at rest. I mean sure, I'm still a big baby at heart, and sure I love being a young spirited person, but I now have something else to add to my "fun time" besides diapers. I also have to attribute this interesting event to my recent recommitment to God. Well actually, God has shown me so many things this week. I had sort of walked away from Him in the past few years. But His love brought me back. I think it was by God's grace that I was able to have this event happen to me today. One thing I'm really working on lately is trying to remember that God is my Father and that I can crawl up into His arms. He is Love, the ultimate love. His love isn't tainted by a sinful and fallen world. I'm learning to find the love my heart cries for in Him. That said though, my body, witch is in the world, still seeks after physical sustenance like mommy's breast, and a nice warm comfy diaper! But God is really gracious and compassionate and I am learning more of His love each day now. If the womb is the paradise of this physical existence, then how much more content and at peace will we feel in His arms while in Heaven. That's a really good thought to focus on tonight as I get ready to go to bed. Thanks for reading this. Hope it makes sense in writing. :)