Second That Emotion

by

Latikia

Copyright ©  2006

Chapter 20

I walked several blocks before I saw my first cab, which kept right on going. It was a half hour later before I saw another one and flagged it down. The trip back to my father’s house was long and silent. I had the driver stop a couple of streets away and let me out. I paid the man, watched him drive off then wandered around for an hour or so, just thinking. Occasionally I’d stop and smash one of the video cassettes, pulling the tape out and shredding it and dump the remains in a dumpster or trash can.

Eventually I ended up in the little park across the street from our house. I took a seat on the bench where I’d talked with the agent yesterday and tried to relax, but it’s hard to calm down and unwind when it’s nine degrees above zero and the wind’s blowing.

Cars started moving along the streets, first one or two, then little parades of four or more. I stood up and stretched, put my hands in my coat pockets and walked towards the house.

I rang the doorbell, three short taps on the button, and stepped back, waiting.

The lights were off inside, the house dark and still. I waited, my heart beginning to beat faster.

I heard movement behind the door. The front porch light came on and the bolt was unlocked with a ‘snick’ and the door flew open.

Izzy launched herself out the door and into my arms.

“Where the hell have you been? We’ve been worried sick!”

I held her tight and looking over the top of her head saw my father in the doorway, his rifle in hand, barrel pointed at the ground. He look worn and tired, dark bags beneath his eyes.

“No problems?” he asked.

“None.”

He nodded absently. “Good.” He turned around and disappeared down the hall.

“Let’s go inside…it’s freezing out here.” I said, pulling Izzy along with me.

I closed the door behind me and left it unlocked.

We all ended up in the kitchen, sitting at the table drinking coffee. I held the cup between my hands, letting it melt away the cold that had infused my bones.

“So tell us already, what happened?” Izzy demanded, frustration and curiosity spilling out of her.

“We talked a little; he taunted me, threatened you and Dad, offered me the sun, moon and stars wrapped up with a pretty red ribbon and then tried to beat me to death. I ripped out his soul and filled the empty space with the feelings I’ve been draining from you, but a little amplified and locked inside. They’ll never go away, never fade away and never leave him alone for as long as he lives. Richard Cruz was, the last time I saw him, laying on the floor, bleeding from a three inch cut across the side of his face and gibbering like an imbecile.”

Dad went pale. Izzy shuddered and took a gulp of her coffee.

“Justice.” Dad said, a hard finality in his voice that matched my own thoughts.

“Is there anything you want from your old place? Anything you had to leave behind, that you ‘d like to get?”

“Some of my clothes and a few books. That’s all.”

“I’ll drive you over there later. Right now, I need some sleep.” I finished the last of the coffee, got up and put the cup in the dishwasher.

I was headed out into the hallway when I felt a hand on my back.

“Ike?” Dad said gently.

“Yeah, Dad?”

“You’re a good man. Your mother would be very proud of you. I’m proud of you.”

I smiled, sadly. “Thank you.” I started to turn away.

“One more thing…just so you know. Ahh…how can I put this? Your room, it’s not as soundproof as you probably think. Just so you know.” He patted my back and headed off in the direction of his bedroom.

I stood there at the base of the stairs and watched my father’s back as he vanished into the back of the house. My mouth hung open like a fish going for a lure. I closed it with a snap and climbed to the top floor.

I took off my coat and threw it into a corner. My sweatshirt, shoes and pants followed. I peeled off my boxers, threw them towards the hamper and climbed into bed, pulling the blankets over me and drifted off to sleep.

I woke just after two in the afternoon, alone in my bed, trying to muster enough energy to get up.

I did manage to fall out and haul my tired body down to the shower, where I drenched myself with cold water, jumped out and dried off in a hurry. I ran back up to the room, got dressed and went looking for my sister. I found her in the basement, doing laundry.

“Hey, beautiful, ready to go get your stuff?”

“Give me a couple of minutes to get this last load out of the washer and into the dryer and then we’ll go.”

Her response was somewhat less enthusiastic than I was expecting, but I let it go. I wasn’t feeling all that exuberant myself. I figured my body was just coming down off an adrenaline high.  That was probably it.

Ten minutes later we were in my rental car and on our way. I drove and Izzy gave me directions, but apart from that we made the trip in silence.

The house was in an upscale neighborhood on the opposite side of town from our little suburb. Two stories tall with brick walls, multiple chimneys, huge bay windows, columns standing sentry, flanking the tall double door main entrance, a four car garage separate from the main building and an enormous front lawn with a stone fountain up top near the loose gravel drive, lightly dusted with snow and ice. The entire place reeked of ostentatious wealth.

I got out of the car intending to follow Izzy inside, but she stopped me.

“No Ike…please. Wait here. I’ll get my things and be right back.” Her mood was somber and subdued.

I waited…

…and waited…

…and waited.

I paced around the car. I paced up and down the driveway. I sat in the car and banged my hands on the wheel then got out, paced around and got back in again. It was nearly an hour later when Izzy emerged carrying two large gym style bags. I opened one of the back doors and tried to take the bags from her, but she pulled away and threw them in herself, shut the door and climbed into the passenger seat.

Puzzled, I went around and got behind the wheel and started the engine.

I figured her mood was due to coming back to a place filled with unpleasant memories. I figured she’d brighten up the farther away from it we got.

I figured wrong. If anything, her mood got worse; darker, angrier and more withdrawn.

When we pulled up in front of Dad’s house, she jumped out before I could even shut off the engine and set the parking brake, yanked open the rear door, pulled out the two big bags and ran into the house.

I stood between the open driver side door and the body of the car, one arm on the roof and watched her vanish.

This was not how I’d imagined things would be. Events in my life had a disquieting habit of never working out as I imagined.

I shut the door, went around and shut the rear door and went inside.

Izzy wasn’t in the living room or the kitchen. I went upstairs. She wasn’t in her room or Ivan’s old room. I went up one more flight and checked my room. Empty.

Which left the basement. What was she doing in the basement?

Whatever she was doing, she obviously didn’t want me around to see it. She didn’t want to talk to me, didn’t want to look at me, didn’t want to be near me.

I started feeling a little rejected. My ribs hurt from Ricky’s punch, and lucky me they were on the same side as the bullet hole, but I ignored the pain, got undressed, put on my sweats and left the house.

I started running the same route I had as a teenager; around and around, block after block, house after house, trying to put my doubts and fears out of my mind.

The pain in my side increased with every lap, I ignored it and kept moving. Pick ‘em up, put ‘em down. You ain’t an ex-soldier yet.

I stopped when the sun went down and the street lights came on. I went back to the house and saw Dad’s car in the driveway.

I found him in the kitchen sitting by himself, a cup of coffee in front of him.

“She’s locked herself in her room.” he said by way of greeting.

“We went to pick up her stuff this afternoon. She wouldn’t let me go in with her; I had to wait outside by the car. She hasn’t said a single word to me since we left that damned place.”

“Bad memories.” he suggested.

“I suppose so.”

Dad and I made due with leftovers. We sat at the kitchen table in uneasy silence.

“Your mother was diagnosed with cancer when you were twelve. She insisted that we not tell you children. She was a fighter, determined to beat it and see her children married with families of their own. Do you know how they treat cancer Ike? They poison it with drugs and radiation. Poison the body, hoping that the cancer will die before the rest of the body does.”

He looked away as tears fell.

“I loved your mother. But not as much as she loved me. The chemotherapy and radiation destroyed her ability to enjoy sex. Eventually she couldn’t even tolerate it. She…she made arrangements. With friend of hers, women she knew, women she met. She made…arrangements, for me. I refused, at first. I’m ashamed to admit it, but I was weak and needy. I loved your mother with all my heart and she knew it, but I was never as strong or determined as her. Is it cheating if…?” his voice trailed off.

“Mom loved you, I know that. I felt it. You loved her and I felt that too. I also know you were both hurting and you both felt guilt and remorse because of what you were doing.”

“I should have said no.”

“You said it yourself; she was a strong and determined woman.”

“True. So now you know my great sin.”

“I knew it then. I didn’t know Mom had a hand in it.”

What could I say to the man? What could I do to ease his guilt? Did I even want to?

‘Let it alone Ike. Some pains have to be lived with. Even the ones we inflict on ourselves and don’t deserve.’

I stood up, laying my hand on my father’s shoulder. “Goodnight.”

I went up stairs and sat in front of Izzy’s door for an hour, broadcasting my love for her. Then I went to my old room and fell asleep on the bed in my sweats.

I woke early, showered and then sat in front of her door, broadcasting while she slept.

When I heard Dad moving around downstairs I got up and went to the kitchen.

He looked up from the stove when he heard me come in.

“Still locked in?”

“Yeah.”

“I don’t know what to tell you. Wish I did.”

I shrugged awkwardly, my ribs still aching. “I’ll just have to think of something else.”

“You should go to the hospital and have those ribs checked out.” he said.

“It’s not that bad. A little sore is all.”

He shook his head. “Stubborn, just like your mother.”

I sat with him until he had to leave for the office. Then I moved out into the living room and sat on the couch, coffee cup in hand.

An hour passed.

Two hours passed.

Three.

No sign of movement from Izzy’s room.

My anger increased, slowly at first. As the hours passed I started feeling rejected as well as angry and the two started feeding one another.

Alone and with nothing to do I got up, went out to the car and drove off, looking for a shopping center, where I bought a fifth of the best vodka they had in stock. I drove back to the house, got out of the car and instead of going inside I went out into the little park and found an empty bench to sit on.

I started out sipping the vodka, but after an hour I was taking long pulls from the more than half empty bottle.

The alcohol was not improving my mood.

‘This is not the way to ---‘

“Shut the fuck up!” I snarled.

I got to my feet and started walking in circles around the bench.

“You know what my problem is?” I said, stopping suddenly and putting one foot up on the bench.

I waited for an answer, but no one was talking. Shit! If I’d known it was that easy I’d have gotten drunk and told them to piss off long before.

“My problem is that I don’t have any feelings of my own. I got lots and lots from people I don’t even know, I got feelings from my friends…all two of ‘em, I got tons of feelings from my loving lover sister, but I got none of my own. Nope. Not allowed to feel things for myself. Fuck!”

I put the bottle to my lips and tipped it back and took a long swallow. I couldn’t even feel the clear liquor as it ran down my throat. I should have gotten a bigger bottle, half gallon maybe.

“Statues don’t have feelings…just stand around being decorative.”

From anger I slipped into the warmth of self pity, and spent several minutes feeling very sorry for myself. That passed quickly when I drained the last of the vodka and realized that there wasn’t anymore. Sadness took hold of me.

“What! Is that the way you want to do this, you FUCKS? One at a time? Haven’t got the guts to come at me all at once, do you?”

I threw the empty bottle at a tree that was hibernating insolently on the other side of the footpath. I missed by two feet.

Sadness took a hike and was replaced instantly and successively by deep depression, guilt, jealousy, remorse…

That was when I decided that there wasn’t enough suffering and misery in my life. I needed more. Much more.

I headed towards the street and leaned heavily against the wrought iron fence that ran around the perimeter, watching and waiting. As they walked or ran or drove by, I would link with each and every person I saw and take one negative emotion from them. But I only wanted ones I didn’t already have. A taste of confusion, a dab of cowardice, a jot of cruelty, a mass of shame, some disrespect, envy, repulsion, indifference, boredom, pride, dread and homesickness. I cleaned up with a school bus full of pre-teens that lumbered on by.

I pushed away from the fence and wandered back into the park.

“Fuck ‘em…fuck ‘em all! Them and the ducks they rode in on!”

“Ike, come on home son.” The voice sounded familiar, but I’d stopped listening to the voices in my head.

“I don’t have a home. I did have one, once. Nice little home with a beautiful little wife who loved me. What have I got now? Not one goddamned thing! Voices in my head, other people’s feelings tracking mud across my nice clean soul and a bed in the nut house. I have nothing. I am nothing.”

Snow started falling gently from the gray sky. I looked up and watched it come down, slowly at first, then harder and heavier.

I exhaled abruptly. “I should have died with Carlie.”

I glanced around, spotted a open area near a playground slide and headed for it. I felt tugging on one of my arms and looked around to see what I was caught on. My father was trying to hold me back.

I moved closer to him and looked hard into his eyes.

“Do yourself a favor; don’t ever tell anyone that you love them. Not even if you mean it. Especially not if you mean it.” I removed his hand from my arm and headed back towards the slide.

I’d had enough and I wanted it over with.

I stumbled thru the snow drifts, slipping on patches of ice and frozen mud, lost my balance and slammed into the vertical hand rail, sending a stab of agony along my side and into my chest.

What was I doing? I had thought of climbing to the top of the slide and jumping off head first into the ground, but I realized I was too unsteady. And there was a good chance I’d still be alive. New plan. I needed a new plan.

I headed in the direction of the house, lurched across the street and onto the front lawn.

A statue. Statues didn’t feel anything. I didn’t want to feel anything anymore. I’d be a statue.

I tore off my coat and shirt, dropping them in the snow. Stumbling around I removed my shoes and socks, tossing them over my shoulder then shucked out of my pants and shorts.

Standing naked in the snow, flakes falling all around me, I looked up to the second floor window where my sister was in hiding.

“STELLA!” I bellowed at the top of my lungs. “STELL-AHHHH!” Tears ran down my face.

For some reason I found this unbelievably funny and started laughing hysterically, losing my balance and falling back into the snow, rolling around like a pig in a wallow.

My lungs heaved like a bellows. I gasped for air. My insides felt like they were going to explode.

‘Put it where it belongs, in the grave.’

“Where I belong.”

My hands burrowed into the snow, digging deeper and deeper until they hit frozen ground. I linked with the earth below me.

It wasn’t as easy as with a person, or even a tree. But it was alive, vast, slow and tolerant. So much room, so much more than I had in me. I released it all, every last feeling, every torturous emotion, into the ground and like a sponge the earth accepted them without question.

Well I tried, but not everything left. There was one set of emotions I couldn’t let go of, not yet. They were locked in, by my own will, and I wasn’t willing to give them up. But everything else was gone, and I was exhausted.

I didn’t feel the cold anymore. Opening my eyes I saw the muted blue of a streetlight overhead, trying to illuminate the darkness thru the thick falling snow.

“We’re fighting a losing battle, you and me.”

My muscles were stiff and my joints ached. My heartbeat slowed down to nothing.

“All is darkness.” I whispered and closed my eyes.

I think I was dreaming. It seemed like a dream; floating in warm darkness, vast and boundless, populated only by the dark’s pulsing, menacing mass. I shivered and cried out. There was a soft, soothing touch on my forehead and I stopped shaking and drifted deeper into the warm enticing embrace of the dark.

‘Look at him…his whole body is blue. Why did he do something so stupid?’

‘People in pain sometimes do very stupid things. He wants to stop hurting.’

‘This is my fault, isn’t it?’

‘Yes, I’m afraid it is.’

‘I didn’t mean for this to happen!’

‘Well what did you think was going to happen? You’re doing the same thing you did when you were twelve. Shutting us out and pushing us away.’

‘He told you about that?’

‘Not all of it--I don’t think--only that you’d been hurt and started lashing out, mostly at him. But this time, he’s hitting back, reacting like a broken hearted teenager.’

‘You don’t understand, Daddy, he doesn’t understand!’

“How can I understand if you won’t talk to me?” I muttered; my voice weak and smothered by the inky cotton of the darkness, but loud and out of tune in my ears.

‘He’d move heaven and earth for you if you asked, or die trying. I’m afraid that’s what he’s doing now. You’ve heard him talk about the desert. You made him want to live. When he wanted to die, thoughts of you kept him going. If you push him away, what reason does he have to live?’

‘I can’t tell him! I can’t! He’ll hate me and I couldn’t bear that!’

‘Do you think anything you can tell him will be worse than what he’s imagining on his own?’

‘Daddy…he, Rick, he took pictures and made videos. Of me…of us. I couldn’t let Ike see those, couldn’t let him see me like that. I don’t want him thinking of me like that.’

‘Honey, look at him. Take a good look at your brother. See the bruise on his ribs, I think one or two might be broken. And the black eye? Have you even noticed that? You did that the other night. He hasn’t complained once about either one, and he never will. The boy loves you, Isabeau. He’ll forgive anything, if you just show him a little trust.’

‘I do love him.’

‘Then stop thinking about what you want and think about what he needs. That’s what love is, you know, caring more about someone else’s happiness than you do for your own.’

The darkness I floated in grew colder, more oppressive and intimidating. Deep within my heart, my slowly beating heart, a tiny light flared to life. Small and insignificant, it was persistent and unwilling to die. The darkness tried to beat it down, tried to smother its tiny little light, but it fought back and struggled, burning brighter and brighter. The dark tried to choke it off, drown it with dismay and regret, but it glowed brighter with passion and hope. Darkness swung down brutally on the growing light with an adamantine club of jealousy, rage and fear. The expanding light grew in response, burning the darkness, scorching its essence, forcing it farther and farther back then exploded out like a nova, flooding the vast emptiness of my dream with blinding, scalding, searing love.

‘Oooooh...!’

I opened my eyes and was blinded by the brightness. When they adjusted I found I was in the bathtub, the second floor bathtub looking up at the overhead light. The bath water was cold and I was shivering. I sat upright, the water sloshing around my hips. On the floor in front of the tub lay Izzy and my father, rag dolls tossed aside by a child done playing.

I crawled out of the tub and wrapped a towel around my waist. I lifted my father up and carried him down to his room, lay him on his bed, removed his shoes and socks and covered him with the comforter.

I went back up and carried Izzy into her room and put her in her bed, pulling her blankets up and tucking her in. I kissed her on the cheek and walked out, climbed the stairs to my room where I crawled under the blankets and passed out.

Tears falling on my chest woke me; a gently flowing stream of tears that pooled on my chest, ran in rivulets to my belly and dripped down over my hip.

“Please, don’t die.” a tiny, scared voice pleaded. I cracked open one eye and saw Izzy leaning over me, tears falling off her cheeks to land on my chest.

“Okay.” I reached up and pulled her down, her body on top of mine like a human comforter.

We lay there for a time; her tears continued falling on me, soaking me and the sheets. I let her cry, contenting myself with holding her body and stroking her hair.

“Dad says this room isn’t as sound proof as we thought.” I said when she stopped crying.

Her body tensed up for an instant then her shoulders shook and she burst out laughing.

I rolled her off to one side, opened the blankets, pulled her close against me and covered us both.

“You can have the wet spot.” I said, as I scrootched down and lay my head on her breast.

Izzy thought that was pretty funny too. Her breasts jiggled as she laughed and I sighed happily, kissed the valley between that succulent pair and went back to sleep.

The next thing I was aware of was a hand cupping my balls.

I leapt out of bed like a scalded cat and slammed into the wall. While I groaned from the pain I heard barely contained laughter coming from the bed.

“I guess you’re feeling better, huh?”

“Jezzus Izzy, you scared the hell out of me.”

“I’m sorry, really I am. Come back to bed? Please?”

I got back under the blankets and Izzy snuggled up next to me, and her hand went back to my balls possessively.

“I’m sorry I pushed you away. I was so afraid that someone would find…there were albums of pictures and video tapes. Rick got off on taking them and…and he liked to show them to his friends. Ike, I was so ashamed, so afraid you’d find them and see…and you’d hate me…you wouldn’t love me anymore!”

She pulled her hand back, started to pull away as if afraid of infecting me with her touch. I drew her back against me, took her hand and placed it over my balls.

“Stop running away from me, Izzy. Have a little faith, will you?”

I kissed her, slowly and hard. I pulled my lips from hers and smiled.

“Sweetie, we need to talk about three things that could cause problems between you and me.”

Her face went pale and fear was written across her features.

“Izzy, don’t panic on me. Just listen, alright?”

She swallowed loudly, but nodded.

“Before I get into that though, I want you to know that I’m in love with you. I need you and I want you. Always.”

Her smile made my heart beat faster and my cock twitch.

“Okay, problems one and two: Peggy and Lilly. They need me, I think, the way I need you. I love them too, but I’m not in love with them. I want you to meet them, and them to meet you.”

Izzy nodded, her face devoid of emotion. I had no idea what she was feeling.

“Problem three is you. I love you so much Izzy, I want you with me always. If I could I’d ask you to marry me.”

In an eye blink she was all over me, smothering me with kisses and grinding her body against mine.

“Oh, you beautiful, sweet, wonderful man!”

I held her tightly. “Izzy, I have to go back to D.C. soon, the Army hasn’t let me go yet. But when they do, I’m staying there. The CIA offered me a job and I accepted.”

She stiffened and clutched me tighter. “What happens to us?” she asked.

“Come with me. We’ll get a place of our own. You can start over, a new job, new friends, a new life. We’ll start a new life, together. I’ll take care of you and love you. Come with me Izzy.”

My sister was very quiet for a long time. Then she lifted her head up and looked at me, a very serious expression on her face.

“Do you swear that you’ll love me as long as we live?”

“Longer.”

“Swear it!”

“I swear I’ll love you and keep you safe for as long as we live. And instead of a wedding I give you this…”

I linked with Izzy and from my brightly burning love for her I remove a tiny ember, formed it into an unending ring and carefully locked it into her. Izzy gasped and pressed her hands between her breasts.

“Do you feel it?” I asked.

“Yes…oh, yes! It’s so warm! Oooooh…I think I’m gonna cum!”

“That is a teeny-tiny piece of the love I have for you. I promise that every day of our lives I will add a little bit more, so that when we’re old and gray you’ll never be cold, and you’ll always know how much I love you.”

She pressed her face against me. I could feel her shudder and her hand on my balls squeezed and released very carefully.

“Yessssss….ohhhh, yessssss…” she hissed between pursed lips. I felt the muscles in her belly ripple as she came. Izzy sighed very sweetly.

Then she looked up and grinned at me. “Can I still have spankings too?”

I slapped her lightly on the butt and Izzy wiggled happily against me.