It Is What It Is

By Danyealle

(MF/angst/fanfiction)

Chapter 11:
Hanyou Self-Abuse

Quickly, after Sesshomaru and Kagome left, the rest of the pack was on the move as well.  With the two humans plus Shippo on the fire cat and the rest on the ground they would make really good time.  Yes, Inuyasha and Kouga could move faster than the fire cat but they all felt that staying together was for the best.

For the first little while the hanyou and ookami exchanged verbal barbs and argued but after a while they were quiet.  For Inuyasha that meant he had lost himself in thought.  Though he was thinking about the events of the last 24 hours mostly he was giving himself a mental working over.

Suddenly, in the last day, his life had been turned upside down, seemingly without warning.  Though it would be easy to blame Kagome for it he, for once, did the mature thing and placed sole blame on the being where it belonged: himself.  He was the dumb fuck that let her slip through his fingers.

No, it wasn’t just one thing that caused it, from his perspective, but several.  If it was just one thing she would probably still be with him.  At the time, while in the middle of it, none of them seemed to be big enough to have ended it but now, in hindsight, he realized that lumped all together and they were huge.  Now he was surprised she had put up with him as long as she did.

Firstly, there was the fact that he had never really told her how he felt about her. All along he had just assumed she knew because she had stuck with him for so long.  Yes, on some level, he was sure she did know what he felt to some extent but how could she really know what it was if he didn’t tell her?  Realistically she couldn’t.  Yes, to some extent, she could guess but to know he would have had to open his yap and say something.  Even Miroku had made sure Sango knew what he felt about her yet he hadn’t bothered, assuming she knew.  Bad assumption.

Then there were the mixed messages he sent her.  Everyone was well aware that Kagome could switch emotions and moods at breakneck speed but he would do something similar, he realized; one day he would act like she was the most important thing in the world to him then act like he didn’t want her around the next.  From the look on her face when that would happen he could tell that behavior had hurt and confused her.  Yet he hadn’t changed it nor had he bothered to explain it to her.  Yes, there was a reason behind it and it wasn’t just that he was naturally that way.  He really did adore Kagome; she was the best thing that had ever happened to him, bar none.  That wasn’t the problem.  The problem was with himself and what he was.  Kagome was so different from most people in the fact that what he was, hanyou, didn’t matter to her.  In her time such things didn’t matter anymore.  In his time it did.  A great deal.  Not only was he treated differently, like he was lower than dirt by those that didn’t know him, anyone close to him would be as well.  If it were to become known that they were more than just friends she would be treated just as badly, if not worse.  Females who allowed themselves to become attached to hanyous or demons were treated worse than the male of the relationship.  He didn’t want Kagome to have to go through that like his mother had so there were times when he tried to distance himself from her.  Knowing what she was like, and even if she knew about it that it wouldn’t matter to her, he was trying to protect her the best way he could.  But even with what knowledge on the topic he knew she had he knew he had hurt her with that behavior several times and confused the hell out of her on a regular basis.  He should have handled it differently.

There were probably at least a dozen other small things like that involved but there was one big one that caused the most problems:  Kikyo.  That topic alone would have ended most relationships quickly.  But Kagome was cut from a different cloth than 99% of the world.  On some level she had seemed to understand what Kikyo meant to him and how he felt about her.  But his actions when it came to the resurrected priestess had hurt her deeply and done more damage than he could ever repair.  Though Kagome had repeatedly forgiven him that didn’t mean the damage was undone or the hurt from it had gone away.  It most certainly hadn’t.  It had also deeply affected their relationship as well as her trust in him to a certain extent.  It wasn’t until he had though about that in reverse, with Kagome having done the same thing to him, that he realized how different she was.  There was no way he would have been able to put up with that.  But she had.

Another facet of the situation was defining what they had.  No, she had never asked him in so many words to do that but she had hinted around about the topic.  He had known what she was asking about but had ignored it.  In his mind defining what their relationship was would be tantamount to choosing between her and Kikyo, something he wasn’t ready for.  That would mean that he had to consciously make a choice and he would have to tell the one that he didn’t choose.  Then that one, the rejected one, would end up made at him.  He didn’t want that.

In his mind he had already made a choice, it had been Kagome.  There was just the caveat that nothing was going to happen between them until Kikyo was gone was all.  No, the feelings he now had for the dead miko weren’t the same as when she had been alive, he had known that for a while, they had changed and he no longer felt the pull to her he once did.  All that had had changed.

On the heels of that he gave himself another mental ass kicking.  Yes, he had know all of that, and known it for a while now, but at no time did he bother to tell Kagome.  Once again he had just assumed she knew.  He should have done that.  In not doing that it had left him a day late and a yen short once more.  The end result of the combination of all his fuck ups was that Kagome had gone elsewhere for what she wanted.  Nor could he blame her for doing so.  If she had done to him what he had her he would have been gone long ago.  She apparently had more stick-to-it-ivness than he did because she had held on for so long.

If there was an upside to the whole thing it was the fact that while she was lost to him as a love interest she would still be there as a friend.  Also, she was now family.  Because she was mated to the Ice Lord she would never just vanish to her time and not come back.  She would be the friend that would never leave him.  As long as he didn’t fuck things up royally that is.  With him that was always a concern.  This time he would just have to make sure he didn’t.

With a mental sigh he moved on to another topic:  Sesshomaru.  Honestly, for the last few years, he hadn’t felt the same animosity towards him that was once there for so many years.  Yes, they still made snide comments and fought once in a while but the seething hatred that had been between them for so long was now a thing of the past.  Since starting their quests both of them had changed and in his case at least, matured.  No, they weren’t close and probably never would be but the hatred that was one there was now gone.

Well, as he thought about it, Sesshomaru had changed as well.  It’s just that he had changed the most, the taiyoukais was more subtle.  From Sesshomaru’s end it was more of a mellowing with a touch of change thrown in.  No, he wasn’t really sure when it had started but he was certain that it was long before he had noticed it.

When he found out that Rin was traveling with him was really the first time he had noticed it.  After that he had paid more attention.  Then when he had rescued and protected Kagome a couple times he was sure the mighty taiyoukai was either softening or going mad.  He had put his bet on softening and had been right.

Because they weren’t around each other much he hadn’t noticed just how much until he had returned to camp with Kagome after taking her.  Yes, like most beings on this rock, Lord Royal Asshole could be gentle when someone was injured.  But the tenderness he showed with Kagome would have led him to think his brother was possessed or an imposter just a few years ago.  But, though it had been shocking, it wasn’t so out of character anymore.  Yes, it was a bit gentler than anything in the past but it wasn’t so totally shocking as it once would have been.  Nor, now, was it so stunning to see him doing it in front of others.  Yes, with the changes Kagome was going through she needed his touch but what he was doing and how tender he was with her was beyond what was needed.  It was obvious that he was doing it because he cared, probably very deeply, for her.  He was also dead certain that if someone intentionally hurt or tried to hurt her that everyone would see a level of viciousness no one had ever witnessed before.  His viciousness was legendary but he was sure they hadn’t seen anything yet.

But, on the other hand, that would probably be a big plus.  As he was well aware Kagome was a target for many beings because of whom and what she was.  It also seemed to be increasing in viciousness and frequency for a while now.  He was well aware that both he and his pack were hard pressed to give her the protection she really needed.  There was no doubt in his mind that his half-brother could do better at it, even though he hated to admit that.

After being jarred out of his ruminations by a couple questions from his pack and once he exchanged a few more insults with Kouga he drifted back to his inner dialogue.  One of the things he was curious about, but really didn’t want to know, was just how long the two had been together.  From what he was seeing and the fact that she had coined a nickname for the asshole was enough to tell him it had been for a while now.  He could also calculate back to when it seemed she had started to slip away from him.  So he could deduce that it probably started a month or so before he began to notice the changes in her.

That question also raised another; how did it start?  Like the others in his pack he was aware that over the last couple years she and Sesshomaru had developed a decent enough relationship.  Most of that had to do with Rin.  The asshole was well aware that Kagome was a damn good healer so it had started when he had need some help with his human ward.  Though the taiyoukai knew some basics and what herbs to use for some things it was better to have someone look after the child that knew what they were doing.  So he started to come retrieve Kagome.  Yes, they had all, including Kagome, been nervous the first few times but after that Sesshomaru had apparently decided the miko knew what she was doing and everyone was able to relax and it no longer became all that odd.  Then she began to bring the little girl, who he would admit he found to be sweet, presents like she did Shippo.  She also began to arrange times with the demon lord to meet up so the kids could play together.  Because neither of the two kids spent much time at all with beings their own age these were a real treat for them that both enjoyed and really looked forward to. 

By that point the little priestess and Sesshomaru had a fairly good rapport and treated each other with respect.  Sesshomaru even seemed to have developed a bit of favoritism for her as well and seemed to like her on some level.  It was strange at the time but, on some level, understandable. The little miko treated the fearsome Lord like she did everyone else and brought him presents like she did all her friends.  That must have been new to him and probably something he liked considering it was obvious she wanted nothing from him in return.  He also must have liked the fact that he had someone around he could leave Rin with where she was well protected if he and Jaken had to deal with or go somewhere that would be dangerous to the child.  It even had surprised Inuyasha that the taiyoukai would show up at the camp from time to time with stuff for the miko.  At the time he had thought nothing of it, beyond the oddity part, because it was healing hers and other things like that he had brought, usually ones that were hard to find.  Because of his travels he would run across them here and there then put them aside until he would run into Kagome next.  He and the rest of the pack thought it was the demon lords’ left-handed way of saying thanks and repaying her for all she had done.  Nothing more than that was read into it.  Even now he was fairly sure that was all there was to it because of what he knew about his half-brothers’ sense of honor.

But, on the other hand, he was sure Kagome was going to be a good influence on the asshole.  Already, from what he had seen, she had influenced him positively.  Who knew, the ass might actually become a bit nicer or more pleasant.  Doubtful but the possibility was there.  Just a bit of mellowing was all he was really hoping for.  But, then again, Kagome’s influence was known to do miraculous things.  He and Kouga both were examples of that.  Sesshomaru would be subjected to more intimate influences so who knew what magic the little miko could work with him?

Giving himself a mental shake, Inuyasha pulled himself back to the present and focused on his surroundings.  From the directions his half-brother had given him it appeared they were getting close to their destination.  After giving a heads up to everyone they slowed down. 

Within a half an hours time they had found the place.  Stopping at the barrier, Inuyasha gave a shout then it vanished.  Once they were all through it, it once more appeared