Living in the Nightmares’ Shadow

plot

Chapter 3

After doing a quick scan through her notes and questions, she leaned back in her chair and smiled at Ell and Dory.  “At about the time she began to talk again the legal wrangling over her in the court system was starting to heat up.  Children’s Services was petitioning the courts to terminate her birth parents parental rights.  Her parents were fighting it tooth and nail, determined to get her back.  Did Toni know what CS was trying to do or did everyone shield her from it?”

Nodding, Dory said, “She didn’t know.  All of us who were involved with her felt that if she was exposed to it that she would begin to backslide in her former behavior.  At that time she’d made great strides in recovering from what had been done to her.”

Ell nodded as well, “Exactly. We all also figured that if her parents were going to battle it out with CS chances were that she was going to end up drawn into it anyway.  Logically, we had hoped to let her recover enough so that she would be better able to cope with the situation.”

“From what we know now the whole situation was very nasty.  Because her birth father was a lawyer he knew how to go about things as well as knowing every dirty trick in the book.  Because of that did you think that they would win the case and she would be forced to go back to them?”

Sighing, Dory nodded, “We would be lying if we said the thought never crossed our minds.  When you are in family court things work a bit differently than criminal court.  Most times the goal is to keep families together and reunite parents with their kids.  Even though the abuse she suffered through was horrific it might not have been reason enough to end their rights.  Courts have returned many children in similar situations many times in the past.  We HOPED she wouldn’t be returned to them but there was a chance.

“Thankfully that didn’t happen.  In the end they cut a deal with CS to consent to their parental rights being terminated in exchange for all criminal charges being dropped.”

Chapter 4

“What were you feeling when you were told that you were never going to be forced to return to your parents?”  was Rosie’s next question.

Grinning from ear to ear, Toni replied, “I didn’t believe it.  They had to show me the court papers before I did.  Then there was something like a euphoric relief that wrapped itself around me.  But there was also a bit of cautious doubt as well.  Part of me was still saying to be careful, that this could be the end of the situation.”

“Even though they had agreed to it you still thought you would end up back with them?”

The grin slowly slid off Toni’s face, a grim expression taking its’ place.  “Yes.  Knowing my parents, my father especially, it was totally out of character for him to give up so easily.  I very much doubted that criminal charges against them had anything to do with their decision; those sorts of things didn’t bother him at all.  There had to have been an ulterior motive was my thought.”

Even all these years later she could remember, in great and vivid detail, her feelings on the matter.  Yes, she had been thrilled by the news but there was a gnawing feeling in her gut about it.  No way did that decision remove that nightmarish shadow she was in.   Because the case was now closed they weren’t going to be watched as closely.  It was doubtful that they would do anything right away they would wait until everybody’s guard was down then it come.  She was sure it was more along the lines of when it would come and not if.

“This is also when you learned that Ell and Dory wanted to adopt you wasn’t it?”

Smiling again, she nodded, “Yes.  Once they told me about my parents they then said that they wanted to adopt me.”

“With all you had been through that must have been a wonderful feeling.”

“It was.  For the first time, from my perspective anyway, there was actually someone in the world that did want me and love me.  They CHOSE me; they CHOSE to want me to be a part of their family.  It was a wonderful feeling!” Actually, wonderful wasn't entirely accurate because there were no words in any language that could express the magnitude of that feeling.  It was indescribable. 

Chapter 5

Settling back in her seat, Rosie could feel the anxious excitement growing in the pit of her stomach.  She was close to the topic she, and so many others, wanted to hear about.  “The first year with Ell and Dory was fairly smooth from what they say.  Was it for you as well or was the adjustment a bit hard on you?”

Once again Toni smiled then shook her head.  “It was fairly easy and there weren’t really any major problems to deal with. Usually the first couple months are the honeymoon time. Everyone’s on their best behavior so they could feel each other and watch for signs that would point to something that might be troublesome in the future.  With mom and dad I never saw anything like that."

Gradually, the worries and angst that she felt before the adoption finally faded away.  Concerns she had about being abused or molested faded out quickly.  She no longer felt like a burden to them as she did when she was their foster child.  It was strange but she loved it.  But that was only part of the equation. 

All of those in her new family were quite protective of her.  One or both of them had always been with her with the exceptions of school and sleeping.  Her two youngest brothers were still in high school so they made sure no one messed with her or tried to pull some kind of stupid stunt.

Things had gone so well during that first year that she had finally been able to push aside and forget about the fear of her birth parents. The more time that passed the more those fears vanished.  Even when she did think about it the angst and terror weren’t there.  Those demons had been chased away finally.

Of all the changes in her ‘new life’ the one that surprised her most was the one she didn’t notice until a while later; trust.  Somehow or other her “don’t trust anyone” motto and mantra had slipped a way.  She was no longer wary about her family becoming like her birth parents.  They weren’t like that and she seemed to have known that deep down inside herself.  Her first realization of it came because of Ell.  From her first night with them she was plagued with nightmares and worn out from the lack of sleep side effect they had.  Many times she would only get an hour of sleep before one woke her.  Sometimes she lay back down and drifted away again before the cycle repeated.  Other times they were so bad that she was too terrified to sleep.  It was Ell that helped her through that. 

A couple months after her arrival she had a nightmare of epic proportions.  To afraid to go back to sleep, she sat on the bed her knees drawn up to her chest with her arms wrapped around them, curled up in a ball. Her forehead was resting on he knees, eyes tightly closed.  Shaking, she rocked back and forth a bit, whimpering, trying to calm down.  About a half an hour later Ell came in, carrying a blanket. Wrapping her up in it he then picked her up and carried her to an old wooden rocking chair in the corner.  As he began rocking he pulled out a book and began to read it out loud.  Any other time she wouldn’t have allowed anyone to touch her like that and if they tried she would fight them every inch of the way.  Surprisingly though the thought to get away, fight or scream for help hadn’t even crossed her mind; she knew he wouldn’t do anything to hurt her.  Within a half an hour she was out cold, drifting into a peaceful and deep sleep, something she that had eluded her for a long time.  When she awoke in the morning he was still there, holding her. For as long as she lived she would remember that. 

Chapter 6

Groaning inwardly, Toni steeled herself to take on the topic that she knew the next question was going to bring up.  It was something she didn’t want to talk about and hadn’t really discussed it with anyone beyond her shrink and with her parents’ right after it happened.  Now she was about to discuss it in a very public venue that anyone who was interested could see it.  Once again the ‘no fear’ mantra began in her head as she tried to calm down.

Grabbing a fresh notebook from her bag, Rosie settled back then continued on.  “You have, up to this point, never spoken publicly about what happened shortly after that one year milestone had passed.  There have been a great many things written about it and a lot of discussion about it, especially now. In your own words, what happened that day with your birth parents?”

Stifling a grimace and willing her voice to remain neutral, Toni sighed then launched into the story.  “We were having a BBQ that day.  All my brothers, their wives, nieces, nephews and a few assorted friends were there.  While mom and dad were starting to get everything ready I went out to feed the animals.  Most of the adults were sitting around, talking while the kids played in the yard.  From what I gather it was during that time that my birth father and mother had shown up and grabbed Kari, my niece who was 9 at the time. 

“As I was walking back to the house I could hear a lot of shouting and commotion.  Then there was a bellow that scared the hell out of me.  I was too far away still to hear anything that was said but I knew exactly who the owner of it was.  That’s when I took off on a dead run towards the house.  By the time I arrived my birth father had Kari and was holding her by the throat in front of him with a gun pointed at her head.  The rest of the family was gathered in front of him, trying to get him to let Kari go but it was obvious he wasn’t going to until he got what he wanted.

“Which was you, right?”

Nodding, she replied, “It was me.  He was demanding that they give me to him and he would let her go.  Of course that wasn’t going to happen.  There would be ice skating in hell before my parents would do something like that. 

“Because I had come from the opposite direction as everyone else no one noticed me come around the corner.  I knew my birth father well enough to know that he wasn’t making an empty threat.  He would indeed shoot her right in front of everybody if he didn’t get what he wanted.  At the time I was pretty sure, and it was later confirmed by my mother, that someone had called the police but because we were so far away from the nearest town it was going to take them time to get there.  Chances were that if something wasn’t done soon he would kill her before they could arrive.

“I walked over and told him to let her go and they could take me.  Of course everyone there voiced their opposition to it but couldn’t do anything about it.  He then shoved my niece away and leveled the gun at me, grinning.”

“You must have been scared to death!”

Shrugging, Toni sighed, “Scared isn’t the word, I was beyond terrified.  It was like a nightmare come to life.  But I wasn’t about to allow my niece or anyone else get hurt by that asshole.  She was safe, that’s what I wanted. 

“Knowing what he was like, and very sure that things would be worse now because someone had defied his wishes, I had no intention whatsoever of going anywhere with him.  The only thing I was thinking about was ways to stall until the police showed up.  For a good 15 minutes he screamed, yelled and berated me, trying to grab hold of me but couldn’t manage it because I kept a good ten feet between us.

“When the sirens could be heard in the distance he went nuclear, screaming and threatening every one there.  When the first cruiser came up the drive he looked back at it then put the gun to his wife’s’ head and blew her brains out.  She was probably dead before she hit the ground.  Next he turned back to me, snarling, pointing it at me.  Before anyone could do anything he fired.  Lucky for me, a few seconds before the trigger was pulled I began to move towards the police.  The bullet caught me in the shoulder and dropped me.  He walked over towards me, ready to take another shot.  When he got closer I managed to get up enough to kick him in the side of the knee.  When he fell I, somehow or other, was able to pry the gun out of his hand and threw it towards the cop cars.  Then the cops took over.”

“When he went on trial you once again had to face him because you had been called as a witness.  What was that like?”

“Of course it was a scary experience but I managed to get through it even though I didn’t think I could.  In the end it actually made things better.  It was a very cathartic experience.  I told what happened and there wasn’t anything he could do to stop it.  He did try to intimidate me with looks and such but I would turn my head and not look at him, instead looking at my mom and dad. Later on I was there when the guilty verdict came in, guilty on all charges.  I was also there when my parents and other family members testified in the penalty phase then when they gave victim impact statements but not for the formal sentencing or the juries recommendation.”

“Was that your choice or someone else’s?”

”Mine.  I didn’t want to see it.  A death sentence was an option for the penalty and if he had received it I don’t think that I would have handled it well.  By that point I had already begun to feel that everything was my fault so I didn’t want to feel that was either.

“In the end, he was sentenced to death and shipped off to prison.”