BOOGER RED & COWBOY CHAPTER 13
By Waddie Greywolf


"Suzanne takes you down to her place by the river.
She feeds you tea and oranges that come all the way from China.
And  when you start  to tell her that you have no love to give her,
she gets you on her wavelength and lets the river answer
that you've always been her lover."
L. Cohan


We left Glen Rose, and headed west.  I didn't want to take the
main highways.  I wanted to travel through the back roads and
small towns of Texas.  I was making a photo journal of County
Court Houses in Texas. All built on similar designs. Several were by
the same architect. I wanted to take the northern route to cross
into New Mexico across to Arizona.  I wanted to visit Roswell, to
see for myself.

Red was amenable to anything. He was in no hurry, and seemed
content to be with me. Our first night together wasn't easy.  He
wanted to make love, and I tried.  I didn't think it was going to be
too successful at first, but old Booger still had it.  The old man
must have had a voodoo woman cast a spell over me.

There was something about him that made me forget, at least
for the moment, any beef I had with him. He started to talk dirty to
me, growling in that deep throaty voice of his,  we got into it and
my animal locked into automatic, animal overdrive to wrestle with
his animal.

He once again unleashed his beast upon me to ravage not only
my body but my soul as well. When we hit together,  he was so far
up inside me I thought his old dick would shoot out my mouth.
When I shot it felt like it was ripping my damn guts and soul out
through my dick. It took me five minutes to regain my center of
being.  

"You know you still love me, Cowboy." he panted breathless to
me.

"Ain't never said I didn't, Red."  I spoke resolutely.

"You haven't told me in a while." he challenged.

"Well, if you have to hear it, I love you, Red."

"Gee, thanks." he said sarcastically.

"You said you'd settle for what you could get."

"Okay, you're right, let's drop it."  

I didn't push further. I made my point. Then, he wanted to talk
about it. Mainly, he wanted to shift the guilt for his actions onto
me.  He told me it was my fault he did what he did; I drove him to it.

I may be young and naive, but to tell me the first night we're
back together it was my fault;---my fault!   Didn't seem like a sound
strategy to endear a person to you who's ready to throw you on the
garbage heap. It was definitely not well thought out.  It certainly
lacked 'cool.'

I was livid but I wasn't going to let my temper make me grovel
in the mire and end up exchanging accusations. I remained cool
and collected.  He begged me to give him a chance then blames me
for his actions. Right!  I started gathering my stuff together to
leave.

"What are you doing, Cowboy?"

"Same's I did the last time you were an ass hole, Red.  I'm
leaving."

"Why?  What's the matter?"

"You're not a stupid man, Red.  You know exactly what you said
and I don't have to put up with crap like that. It wasn't my fault.
You had a choice, you made it. It had nothing to do with me. End of
conversation."

"All right, Cowboy, all right.  I apologize.  I was wrong.  Please,
don't leave me, Billy." I'd never seen Red like this before.  I thought
he was going to cry.

"Anymore talk like that, I'll walk out and you'll never see me
again. You've said it was your fault, you're sorry, you were a fool,
yet you have me here trying to shift your guilt onto me and think I'm
fool enough to buy it, 'Oh yes, Red, you're right it was my fault.' 
Bull shit!  You just can't accept the fact you fucked over me and
you're ashamed.  It's easier to shift the guilt than it is to accept the
responsibility for your actions,  learn to live with it and try to do
better."

"Okay, let's drop it."

"Your old standard comeback, Red?  That's your fall back
position. Fine with me, but with your attitude it isn't going to be
easy for us to be together.  I'll ride with you, sleep with you but if
you push me too far I'm gone.  There are several men out there that
would never do that  to me, Red, that I could love as much as you."

"Is that a threat?"

"Oh, hell no, Red!  It goes way beyond a threat.  It's a Goddamn
promise."

"Well,---I could see to it you never leave me again."

"Take your best shot, old man.  Better make damn sure the first
one takes me out 'cause you won't get a second chance."

"Don't test me, slave."

"You better make damn sure you don't make the bigger mistake
of challenging me, old man.  I ain't your slave no more, Red.  You no
longer have the right to call met that. You set me free the minute
you shoved your dick into that pig.  If you think you can make me
submit by intimidation and threats then you better sit down and 
rethink that one, PDQ.  Besides, if you think you have to do that to
have me,---you never really gave a shit about me to begin with. I
was just a pretty trophy you could ride with to make the other
scoot bums jealous. 

If you have to beat your chest and play bad ass, biker jailer,  
that's pretty lame for someone of your intelligence.  You wanted it
all, Red.  You had to have a man, a slave, who wanted to serve you
because of his unconditional love for you.   You demanded it. You
had it, Red. That was your price and I paid it because I really
though you understood love and companionship. I loved you enough
to trust you.  Don't  no more.

What do you think?  You're talking to some green kid who's
afraid of you or death? I've been there and back.  If you killed me, 
I'd be with Buck, and you wouldn't have me nor anyone. In fact, I'm
so disgusted and disappointed with you,  you'd probably be doing
me a favor.  I'd be with a man who loved me enough to give his life
for me. Hell, you can't even keep your Goddamn dick in your pants
for me.  I ain't afraid of dying, Red.  You, of all people,  should know
that. Besides, there's worse things in life than dying."

"No, I don't suppose you are afraid of dying, but Goddamn it,
Cowboy,  when are you gonna' start forgiving me?"

"I wouldn't be here now if I hadn't forgiven you, Red,  but you
can't shit in your bed and not expect it to stink for a while.  It's not
going to be the same as it was until you try to make an effort to set
this right between us.  I told you when you called the ranch. 

Obviously, you didn't hear me, or just didn't wanna' listen. Too
bad, you seemed so sincere on the phone.  I can't be sorry for you. 
You never showed me any sympathy or cut me any slack when you
demanded I meet your price if I wanted you for my Master.  I met
your price and kept my word.  To bad you can't say the same.

Unless you try to meet me half way there's no way in hell I'm
ever gonna' call you my Master again. You did what you did.  If you
don't try to let it be and take each day as it comes,  then we won't
make it together.  I'm here now because of the love I had for you.  

What love you get from me from now on,  will depend on you and
the amount of love you show me.  So far,  I haven't seen much
giving or concern for me on your part, just jockeying for position by 
trying to make me the villain. I ain't about to play both roles for
you, and it's absurd for you to think you might convince me to."

"Roles? What the hell are you talking about?"

"You've admitted to me and others that because of your
deception, your actions, you made me a victim of your bad
judgment."

"Yeah, okay! I've admitted it, so what?"

"Then a minute ago you tell me it's my fault that you went with
T-bo.  If that's true, that'ud make me the villain, wouldn't it;  the
bad guy?"

"Yeah, I suppose--"

"You tell me, Red, how can I be the 'villain' and a 'victim' at the
same time?" Red didn't respond but just grunted. "You tell me
which role you want me to play? You can't have it both ways, Red.

If you truly think it was my fault, that it was because of my
actions you stuck your dick in T-bo,  then I have to hit the road 
because I don't want to run the risk of making you fuck another
piece of shit.  I won't be held responsible for that. Just how stupid
do you think I am, Red?

I never made you do a damn thing you didn't wanna' do.   God
gave you free will same's he did me. The choices you make are the
difference between right or wrong; good or bad.  On the other hand, 
if you tell me I was a victim of your actions then you have to make
some changes within yourself, Red, to make sure for both our sakes
it doesn't happen again."

"Well, you're right about one damn thing." he said speaking
quietly. "God as my witness, Cowboy, I never thought you'd get that
upset over me throwing a fuck into that little trollop;  however,
after I saw how deeply it hurt you, the guilt of what I'd done ate me
up, and now it's hard for me to live with it.

I swear to God, Billy, I didn't do it with the intention of hurtin'
you.  I just didn't think you'd care that much."  He had big tears
rolling down his face. We were quite for a long moment, then I
broke the silence to speak quietly in a resigned voice.

"Well, that's a start, Red.  Let's go to bed." I got into bed to go
to sleep.  He wanted to hold me, and I had no problem with that.  I
always enjoyed sleeping in Red's arms. It was a restless night, and
I tossed and turned even though I was tired.  His words kept
haunting me.  This was not going to be easy.

I prayed silently, "God, you're asking a lot of me here.  How can
a man change like that over night, and do something to cancel all
my trust?  Buck, if you're listening ask the Big Kahuna why I have
to do this, please?" For that moment my prayer went unanswered. 
Hell, God knew what he was doing.   My biggest task was learning
to do what he wanted, not to be so damn suspicious and learn to
trust him.

I wasn't afraid of Red physically or mentally.  I never felt fear 
Red might hurt me physically. He knocked me across the room that
one night at the motel but he was angry and frustrated.  That's no
excuse for violence but I felt certain it wouldn't happen again.  He 
learned a lesson and I didn't think he wanted to test me.

Red was bigger than me but I could take him if I had to. I came
back from Nam thirty pounds heavier, buffed, and had grown to the
size of my Uncle Bud.  I continued growing until I was almost
twenty-eight. Red knew I could take him but I didn't want to try.

I loved Red.  I knew he was a proud man and proud of his
physical capabilities.  I'd seen him back off three mean ass bikers. 
Of course I was there to back him up. If I took Red down, his
masculine ego couldn't have handled it. He wouldn't be the Master I
needed anymore. 

It would be like I cut his balls off and tied them around my neck. 
From then on, that's all he'd see every time he looked at me, his
balls hanging from my neck.  I couldn't do that, 'sides I loved to lick
and clean them big balls of his. 

My arguments frustrated the shit out a' him 'cause they made
sense,  when he knew his didn't.  I couldn't understand why he had
to have everything back the way it was. That's not quite true
either.  I knew why.   He was a Master and his ego told him it was
his right and due to have things return to normal. 

He kept pushing. The more he'd pushed,  the more I'd remind
him, he said he'd take what he could get, give him a chance.  I was
giving him a chance, what was he going to do with it?  So far he
hadn't made one bit of effort to set things right between us.

We rode together for sometime.  Days, weeks, months went by
and Red wanted to fight all the time. He wanted to jockey for
position and I wouldn't.  As far as I was concerned, there was no
position to jockey for.  I refused to play his game because I knew
the outcome, either way, it was a no win situation.  I'd walk away
and refuse to argue and that would frustrate him all the more. His
standard come back when he lost an argument:

"Well, let's just drop it."

I would, but not before smiling sweetly to let him know he'd lost
that round.  The bushmen of the Kalahari have a saying for my
actions, "A'bamma molliae a'nuy oh ho."  Which freely translated
means, 'he who acts as a female dog towards his brother;' 
however, it loses something in translation. It has a worse
connotation.

He wasn't getting things to go the way he wanted.  He wanted
that trust and closeness again that had been freely given, but Red
was not willing to try to set things straight between us by even
considering doing something to appease me.  He make no effort
what so ever and it was as if my concerns didn't matter to him.

As a Master, he felt his apology should wipe the slate and
everything should be back to normal. I felt to give in to him, would
make him think he could do anything he wanted to me, apologize,
then everything would be fine, for him.  

Before I did I wanted to see some effort on his part to set things
right.  I didn't want the man's soul on a bun.  All I wanted was for
him to go along with me for a while. If the son of a bitch would just
let it be, be patient with me,  for a month,  maybe two, and not
push, I would've given in to him. I wanted him to stop trying to
force me to love him the way he thought I should.

I wasn't doing all the little things I use to do to make him feel
important, and I wondered how long it would be before he got tired
of the status quo and jumped the fence to graze in greener
pastures. Things were getting so bad I was praying he would,  so I
would have an excuse to cut out and go on with my life. Red's
constant arguing was driving us further apart. 

In retrospect, knowing what I know today about Master/slave
relationships, if I'd been trained properly to be a man's slave, I
would've never had these conundrums to grapple with.  I would've
been conditioned to accept and trust the man who had become my
Master.

If he chose to have sex with another slave,  my initial
conditioning and trust would have sustained my sense of self worth
in being his possession. It wouldn't have become such a big deal; 
however, I was young, idealistic, and like so many others out there
been brainwashed by Hollywood's idea of love.  It sure is pretty on
the screen but they carefully leave out  the 24/7 routine grind that's
enough to make any relationship, no matter how sound,  falter. 

Red was being honest with me when he looked at the situation
from his point of view as a Master.  He felt he had that right and he
did.  He was also correct in the fact he truly didn't think it would
bother me that much.  I believed him.

He thought I had grown so secure with him, as my Master,  I
wouldn't feel threatened or hurt. Red forgot to consider two things. 
I just returned from the gates of hell and  wasn't mentally secure
enough to hold on to the trust I had in him.

It was hard for me to trust anything or anyone when I came
back from Nam. I was still having major flashbacks two to four
times a week. I needed unconditional love more that Red did. 
That's why Leon became so important.  He reached down to me at
my lowest point, offered himself to be my rock to learn to live and
trust again.  He never betrayed that trust.

Secondly, I was only twenty-two years old.  Red was twice my
age.  He was a mature man who had been around the block many
times and as my Master, should have considered that. 

Every Master I spoke with said a good Master certainly wouldn't
of handled it the way Red did.  Most of the Master's in our family
were shocked and amazed by Red's actions.  That only made it
worse for him.

Hell, you wouldn't even treat your pet that way.  At best, love is
hard to share. Somehow, I noticed, it's a little easier when you love
both people.  With T-bo it was more like he was stealing it from me
and Red was his accomplice. In one thoughtless action Red maxed
out his trust on deposit account with me.  Lastly, T-bo was such a
disgusting piece of shit it was really hard to let Red put his hands
on me the first couple of times when we got back together.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

When Red and I originally got back together and I agreed to be
his slave he knew I had an undeveloped taste for what lay
underneath the leather patch that covered his ass. As my Master it
was his job to train me in the ways he most enjoyed sex.

He  slowly, carefully, and patiently trained me to make love to
his ass the way he wanted.  I was so damn turned on and
fascinated by that leather patch over his asshole. I was like Judith
in Bartok's, 'Bluebeard's Castle', I just had to find out what was
behind that door.  Like Judith, I opened the door and: 'Oh, God!'

Didn't take me long to develop a taste for big, ugly man, butt
hole.  Talk about a one way street.  Once you go down that road
there ain't  no turnaround.  Then again, you don't want to either. 
'Sides, I was falling so much in love with Red before I split,  I
wanted to experience every part of him, I wanted to be a good
slave for him, and I knew that was something he enjoyed.  I wanted
to please my Master.

I began to give in to a few perks.  He seemed to be trying to be
better, but then the constant sparring and jockeying for position
would start up again.  It wore me out emotionally. He wanted me to
play sub games with him, and I went along to a point.  He wanted
me to pay homage to his boots like I'd done willingly before.  I
refused.

He wanted me to call him Master.  I refused.  He wanted me to
take his piss. I wouldn't.  He wanted me to clean his ass out.  I
refused.( Damn it! I was cutting my nose off to spite my face on
that one 'cause I dearly loved to eat that big, ugly man's ass.)  So,
he'd overpower me, tie me up, force feed me his piss and sit on my
face until I would clean him, if he had to sit there half the night
reading a book.

Well,---when you got a hot man--- 'whats' got his butt hole,---
sitting right on your mouth,---what a' ya' gonna' do?  I pretended to
hate it, and all the while I couldn't get my damn tongue up there far
enough.  Gracious Red would always help me by taking his fingers
and spreading it open for me; a thoughtful gesture on his part.

I'd act mad as hell afterward, but he knew I protested too much.
My old dick would be rock hard the whole time, and I'd shoot the
biggest, gut wrenching loads I ever had in our history together.  I
had to admit, but not to him, it ripped me a new asshole to have
him force me to drink his piss and clean him out. Then he would
rape the holy hell out of me which turned me on even more.  I was
lost.

I was on the verge of leaving him,  because of my own
frustrations,  when he started taking me by force. If I wouldn't give
him what he wanted or what he needed, he was going to take it.

I couldn't have been more turned on. I was hooked.  It became a
powerfully addictive sexual experience.  It was as strong a need as
an addictive drug.  I couldn't wait for my next Booger fix.  Is that
what I secretly wanted?  What's wrong with me?  I didn't see
myself as a masochist.  Yet,  I've never had more powerful sex with
any man than the sex I had with old Booger when he decided to
take it.

I hated him for it and loved him even more for it. What a
dichotomy.  What a conundrum.  I hated him for assuming he could
have his way with me,  but loved him for wanting me bad enough
and having the balls to overpower me to take what he needed. 

I got what I needed and more,  yet I didn't have to give anything
in return, at least emotionally.  Don't kid yourself, he got what he
needed, too. I'd never seen Red so sexually turned on as he was
when he was taking it from me. 

He became an animal. An absolute monster.  He bloomed as a
truly magnificent beast.   My kinda man.  I didn't have to be untrue
to my convictions of not having the same old situation we had
before.  It certainly wasn't.  It had evolved into a whole 'nother ball
game.

I even found myself withholding sex and affection from him so
he would  take it from me.  It was in those heights of passion I
would babble uncontrollably about how much I loved him and how
much he meant to me, that he had always been my Master, on and
on and on---

He tapped into his own personal goldmine of sex.   He quickly
learned  how to mine my ore, and  push my buttons to get what he
wanted. I couldn't have been happier.  Still, I refused to call him my
Master and pay homage to his boots, especially in front of his biker
buddies.  Red would introduce me as his slave and I would
embarrass him by correcting  him.

"I'm not your slave.  I ride with you.  I sleep with you, that's it."

Our sex became more athletic and violent in his frustration and
desire to force me to submit. At first he'd just slap me around and I
would laugh at him.  Then he got to backhanding me across the
room.

Before you think badly of Red take in to consideration I 
probably hit him between the eyes with the damnedest, most off
the wall,  awful, name calling I could muster at the moment.  I
damn well deserved what I got.  No slave should ever say to his
Master the shit that came out of my mouth. No man should say to
another man what I would yell at my Master no matter their
relationship.

I never tried to retaliate by hitting him back. I never wanted it to
escalate into a full blown fist fight.  I was trained to fight until you
took the other man out.  I was good at it; the best in boot camp.
Sarge challenged two other platoons and I won every match
including the big ones like Twissleman. I took many out in Nam, but
to do it I couldn't think about what I was doing,--just react,---and
the other man was going down.

To do that meant I'd be trying to dominate Red and I didn't want
that.  I wanted him to control me; by force, if necessary, and,---if a
little violence got mixed in the rue,---so much the better.  He never
really hurt me and the violence only added fuel to our all ready
raging sexual bonfire. 

I learned what buttons to push to make him violent. It was like
sometimes when you put quarter in a slot machine you know that
quarter is gonna' pay off.  I loved it. I knew which organ stop to pull
to get 'Vox humana monstroso agitatus.' Don't think bad of Red.  It
takes two sides to have a war,  I had plenty of ammo and knew how
to use it.

The more violent I could get him to be the better the sex
afterward and then came the love and apologies.  It was like the
ascension scene from "Mefestophile, the funeral procession of
Amenhotep from the first act of Glass's Akhnatan, the opening
chorus of Bach's "St. Mathew's Passion," and the final movement of
Beethoven's "Ninth,"  all distilled into a few moments of bliss.

It was like when you're playing monopoly,  you have only a
hundred dollars in change before declaring bankruptcy and your
opponent lands on Marvin Gardens and you've got three hotels
sitting there. I had entered the backdoor of heaven.
 
I never wanted to dominate Red. I never tried to be in charge,
but I wasn't gonna' make it easy for him to force me into a role
when he'd done nothing towards setting thing right with me. By
God, I met his price he could at least make an effort to meet mine. 

So it goes with a lot of gay relationships where two lovers
jockey for position and fight for mental or even physical dominance. 
It becomes an endless merry-go-round of no win arguments and
frustration until one gets tired enough and gets off the ride.

Or the arguing separates them to the point that they no longer 
remember what attracted them to each other in the first place.  It's
difficult to lay down in the evening and make love to someone 
you've been arguing with all day no matter how attractive they are.

That's the beauty of Master/slave relationships.  There's no
arguing. A slave is trained and imprinted with his role and that's to
be subservient to his Master.  The slave is taught to trust and
accept his Master's decisions in all matters.

There's no room or purpose for arguments within these
relationships.   When his Master orders his slave to please him
there's no angst nor hurt feelings to keep the slave from bringing
his best to his Master.

I never felt in danger when Red bound me and forced sex on me. 
After he got me bound and gagged or whatever,  he was
considerate until it came time to fuck me. Then he would take me
hard, and  fuck me harder. 

My ass would be sore for days.  It felt wonderful.  I couldn't wait
for the next time; however, I would never give him a hint it turned
me on that much.

Red wasn't a dummy. He could tell.  He once told me he could
strum me like a two dollar banjo, and have me resonate like a fine
violin. It was true. He could. Although, I always thought I sounded
more like a wet pig whistling 'Dixie.'

Red always fucked me until I came. He knew he could make me
come by fucking me long enough and hard enough.  Worked every
time.  I recognized each time when he began fucking me to get me
off.

It would send me to the nether regions of reality until I felt my
whole body began to shudder like my soul was going to ejaculate 
through my cock.  When I reached a climax it would actually hurt
physically.

I'd shoot so hard and  so much it would drain me of every ounce
of semen. Sometimes it would be so hard a shot there would be
blood  mixed with the come.  The first time it happened it scared
the hell out of Red.  I assured him there was nothing to worry
about.

Afterwards, he would unbind me,  hold me in his arms like a limp
dishrag, and pour his love into me with kisses and apologies as to
why he had to take it from me. Red would growl at me in his deep,
gravelly voice,  he was so sorry he had to slap me around to get my
attention, but he loved me so much he couldn't help himself. 

He wanted me so much and I wouldn't give it to him so he had
no option but to take it from me.  I drank it up like the nectar from a
forbidden orchid guarded by the last of the true cannibal tribes, the
Yamamammi.  One could only experience this by going through a
secret right of passage into their tribe.  It was sweet, powerful, and
terribly addictive.

He'd tell me,  that one day, because of his rough sex, I would
become hooked on it like a drug, then  I would crawl to him and beg
him to take it from me.  Then the only way I could find release was
to call him my Master and beg to clean his dirty boots.

He wasn't far wrong.  He didn't realize how close he was.  Red
could've gotten Park Place and Boardwalk maxed out, for free,  if
he'd withheld sex from me for only a week.

I would've been reduced to a blithering, babbling, sex starved,
zombie slave and done  anything he asked. Hell, I would've called
him any damn thing he wanted and ate his boots with relish. (not
the pickled kind.)

Pouring his love into me became the icing on the fucking cake. 
It was a major turn on and he had me where he wanted me.  It
became so good I considered giving in to him and calling him my
Master again.  After all,  we'd been together at that time for almost
a year and he hadn't so much as looked at another man.

We even ran into T-bo. He started toward us to say 'hello.' Big
mistake on his part.  He had that same queeny, shit eatin' little grin
on his face like he'd taken a big crap in my sand pile and was going
to rub my face in it; like he really put one over on me and got away
with it.

For some inexplicable reason the thought crossed my mind, 'The
poor son of a bitch has no idea who he's dealing with.'  I'd been
passed through the bowels of the Earth,  and eaten the shit from
the asshole of a country in Southeast Asia.  I killed men three times
his size in hand to hand combat.  I had no intention of eating this
little queen's excrement. 

'Don't give the slimy little bastard another chance, Cowboy!' my
mind was screaming at me.

I jumped up walked  purposefully toward him and decked him.
Broke the son of a bitch's nose.  He began to bleed like a stuck pig; 
blood all over the fucking place.  Scared him to death. I reached
down and grabbed the collar of his jacket and physically dragged
him to his tent.

I threw him down in front of it, kicked him in his ass as hard as I
could with my steel-toed boot and told him if he wasn't out of camp
in five minutes, I'd kill him.  The son of a bitch must have believed
me 'cause he never questioned me.

He hastily gathered up his shit and under my pissed off gaze, 
ran to his bike, threw his shit on it and was gone.  I ran the asshole
out of camp.

I strutted back to our tent like a fucking peacock on duty. 
Before he left, I told T-bo if he tried to return or even came near
Red again, I'd kill him.  From that day on, T-bo was afraid of me.
Good!  He damn well should be.  I meant what I said.

Red was surprised at my sudden reaction but he was proud of
me for standing up to T-bo, and not letting him pull his queeny little
games.  He didn't try to stop me either.  He let me handle the scene
the way I wanted.

Red tried to hide it but he was also pleased I'd taken such
violent action against T-bo. I think it stunned Red to see what I was
capable of.  He never saw me really angry before, and was shocked
at the swiftness of my actions.

Red didn't think I had a fighting streak in me because I never
fought him back when he roughed me up during our sex-war games. 
However, the greatest message it laid at his feet was just how
much I loved and cared for him; enough to stand up for what was
mine and not allow anyone to intrude on my territory.  

It sent a clear message I wasn't a passive little slave who was
going to let that piece of shit come between us again.  Nor was I
going to give T-bo the opportunity to make any future inroads into
my world. He was warned.  The next time I would kill him.  I left no
doubt in T-bo's or Red's mind.

"Would you really kill T-bo?"  Red quietly asked me later, laying
in our tent together.

"What do you think, Red?"  I spoke softly.

"I think you would."

"If God can forgive me for killing 'Charlie' he'll forgive me for
killing T-bo."  I rolled over and went to sleep. 

From that moment on, Red developed a new respect for his
slave.  I think he was proud of me. I was proud of myself. I walked a
little taller that afternoon, strutted 'round the camp like one of
them big, fat Japanese wrestling men that wears them diapers. 

Almost every man in the camp came by,  patted me on the back,
and told me they were glad the little bastard got his comeuppance. 
Let him ride with some other group that'll put up with his crap. 

They loved the way I handled it and threw him out of camp.  Not
a man came to his defense. Good riddance, they allowed.  Red
beamed and smiled at me when several patted him on the back,
and told him he had a special man riding with him.

* * * * * * * * * * * * 

We were playing some powerful games and Red was uneasy
about where we were going from there.  I was a little worried, too. I
thought if I gave in to him and started being his slave again,  calling
him my Master,  he would stop trying to take it away from me and I
wasn't ready, just yet,  to give that up.

I was as hooked on rough sex as a drug addict to heroin;
however, that night I shocked Red by giving myself to him in total
submission.  He didn't have to take it from me. I gave him my best
and he responded in kind.  Hell, he knew I still loved him as much
or more than ever.

Everybody knew what Red and I were into because we made so
much damn noise.  He would yell and I would holler at him calling
him every name but a good one to get him mad enough to take it
away from me again. I knew every button to push to get the
reaction I wanted.

I knew exactly what I was doing.  I could time it by my watch
the exact time the volcano would erupt.  He'd yell at me and call
me every nasty name he could think of.  Sometimes, we would 
stop, dead,  in the middle and start laughing.  He'd look at me, wink
and say,

"Good one, Cowboy! Ooofff!!  That was really nasty!"  Then we'd
fall into each others arms laughing.  Laughed until we cried. My
usual response.

"Oh, hell, Red!  Fuck this, we both know what we want, let's cut
to the chase." We'd fall together and fuck like snakes.

We both knew it had become an elaborate game but it was an
important game to us.  Fuck the world.  Hours later, after we
finished and were billing and cooing with each other,  everyone in
camp would literally roll on the ground laughing their fucking ass's
off at us. Shit, we didn't care. Fuck 'em!  They didn't have a tenth of
the passion we experienced in our love making.

I have to admit my love for Red doubled from what it was, but I
wouldn't make it any easier on the poor man. I did start taking his
piss on command.  I knew he'd overpower me;----make me do it
anyway, and I did enjoy it; wasn't gonna' let him know it though.

I'll say it again, if I'd gone through slave training, been imprinted
as a slave, we wouldn't have played those games.  Master Jeb's
training worked, and many Master and slaves stayed together for
years.

A slave, turned out by Master Jeb and Master Jim would never
question their Master's actions.  Had the same situation happened
with T-bo now, I would have reacted completely different.  I would
have yanked T-bo up by his short hairs, beat the living fuck out of
him, then begged my Master's forgiveness for interrupting his fuck. 

Red was actually becoming afraid of me.  He knew even though
I was a bit smaller physically, I was in great shape, and could move
quicker. In all our games when he overpowered me, I'd push him to
the limit then would feign letting him get the best of me.

He instinctively knew I could, in reality,  kick his ass if I chose
to. That only made the game more intoxicating to Red because he
couldn't figure out why I wasn't defending myself when he was
slapping me around.

He tried a few times to see how far I could be pushed.  He
messed my face up so badly a couple of times he was a wreck for a
week afterward; oh, baby,---would I milk it!  I loved it!  He'd even
taunt me,

"Be a man,   Goddamn it!  Stand up for yourself pussy, you're
nothing but a fucking cunt in a man's body.  Come on,  you coward, 
you yellow bellied son of a bitch,  hit me back.  There,---" he'd point
to his chin and stick it in my face, "there!  Take your best shot,
Pansy Ass!"

I never did.  Every time he'd hit me, I told myself, 'It's your
Master hitting you.  You will never raise a hand to your Master.'  A
couple of times he would get into it and I would beg him to stop. I
couldn't go on.

He always did, but he wanted to know why;  usually, I had
come in my pants and the fuck was off.  Talk about laughing at me,
pointing a finger, rolling on the floor, saying the most humiliating,
nasty, ugly, wonderful things about loving him.

"See, you little asshole!  You won't admit you love me but your
body tells me everything you can't.  I told you I owned that little
body of yours  That just confirms it.  I'll have your soul, too.  It's
only a matter of time, slave."  He was right. That's one argument
Red won hands down.

I look back to those days, and ask myself if I would've traded
those rough sex scenes for a  more sedate, controlled, Master/slave
relationship with Red if I'd been a trained, imprinted slave?  Don't
have to think too long for an answer to that one.

Fuck no!  I've never experienced such passion in my life, and I
don't expect to again.  Does that mean the other loves of my life
were not as important; that they were dull by comparison? 
Certainly not!  Each relationship has it's own rewards.  It's own
unique personality.

In some ways it becomes an entity unto itself that's born, has
an infancy, a childhood, an adolescence,  a mature period, an older
period and hopefully a successful, loving conclusion.  Notice I
didn't say 'end'?   Love never ends.  Buck taught me that.  Love is
stronger than death.  There are no waters that can quench it,
neither can a flood drown it.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * 

We arrived in Los Angeles to visit on Mt. Washington.  The
family gathered to say 'Hello' and wish us well.  They knew we'd
been through a rough patch, and wanted the best for us. Tim was a
changed young man.  He was in his last month of slave training,
and Master Ben was allowed to visit regularly.  In fact he was due
in that weekend.  I looked forward to seeing him again.  It had been
sometime. 

You could tell by the way that Tim talked about Master Ben,  he
was very much in love with his, soon to be, Master. Tim had
actually grown in height, and was becoming an attractive man.  He
was so attentive to his training Master's and every Master that
came to visit.  He was on Red's boots in a minute, and Red ate it
up.  He thought Tim was a little bit of heaven.

Master Jim took him to the gym regularly, and he was becoming
a knock out of a handsome young man. He would make Master Ben
a fine slave.

I was thrilled to see Wes again, but he didn't seem happy.  I
pulled him aside to talk to him.

"Wes, we've been close too long for you not to tell your cowboy
what's wrong.  You know I ain't gonna' say nothing.  I thought you'd
be happy as a clam in deep water with that handsome man for a
Master.  I damn near shit my pants the first time I met him at the
Yuba River outside Sacramento.  I was even more impressed when
I found out he was an LAPD motor officer."

"That's just it, Cowboy, he bought me for a domestic slave and
not to pleasure him.  I  take care of his house and see to his every
need. Then I'm sent to my room every night, alone.  I get so lonely
because I've fallen in love with him, but don't know what to do.

All I want to do is serve him in every way. The only time I feel
alive is when I'm with him. I know I'm not worthy to clean his
boots. He's so fucking gorgeous I can't even look at him over dinner 
because I'm so afraid he'll see the love in my eyes,  it'll scare him,
and he'll get rid of me."

"You poor baby."  I held him in my arms as he cried his heart
out. "Is there anything I can do?  I know him fairly well.  Well
enough to talk to him about it if you wish."

"Promise you won't, Cowboy.  I'm satisfied to be his house
servant.  I love him so much, even if I can't have him that way,  I'm
willing to be his slave to be near him. I know that sounds sick, but
I've never felt this way about another Master.

He's so good and kind to me sometimes he almost breaks my
heart.  I find myself wanting to do something wrong just to have
him punish me to have his attention.  At least I'd get to experience
his passion in punishing me.  Now, how sick it that?"

"Wes, Darlin,' with what I've gone through with Red this last
year,  I'm not the one to ask that question.  We have,  perhaps, the
singularly most fucked up, sick relationship on record."  I laughed
as he looked at me incredulously.

"I'm not kidding, Wes."  I told him the details, and, of course,  I
made it outrageously funny to bring his spirits up. I could reveal the
secrets of my soul to Wes and never worry.  So,  he got the entire
picture.  Me getting hooked on the rough sex;---everything.  I was
even laughing so hard at my own take of Red and my relationship,
everyone wondered what we were talking about.

Wes confided he hadn't had sex with anyone since Master Earl
bought him.  I approached Master Earl and humbly asked his
permission to take his slave to a bedroom in Master Jeb's house,
and fuck the B'Jesus out of him.  Master Earl knew of Wes and my
close friendship, and granted my request with no problem.

I ran it by Booger earlier, and he didn't seem to mind.  I told him
if he had a problem with it to let me know, but not to throw it in my
face later because it wouldn't hunt.  I wouldn't do it if it was going
cause problems. I explained my reasons for wanting to help Wes. 
Red asked if he could watch?

I asked Wes,  and surprisingly he thought Red was as sexy as I
found him to be. We ended up sandwiching Wes between us, and
taking turns fucking him.  Wes loved it and so did we.  I would fuck
him down the throat as Red plowed his tight little butt.  We had a
wonderful afternoon and Wes went back to his Master with a big
smile on his face and four loads of man come in his gut. 

Later,  Master Earl discovered the treasure he had stored in the
other bedroom of his home. He took Wes into his big heart, and his
love for him grew.  Wes found the Master who would do for him all
the things I knew he needed in a Master.   Master Earl D. Shaw re-
made Wes into one of the most admired slaves in our family and
Wes came to love his Master like no other.

That night I allowed Red to make normal love to me, and
responded like I use to with him. I couldn't see putting our family
through one of our rough and tumble sex scenes. Besides, we'd call
a 'Kings-X' to our sex wars around our family.  I would never
embarrass Red by refusing to be his slave and submit to him in
front of our family.  I played the game for his sake.  I called him
Master, went though the ritual, and catered to him. 

I found out that evening I'd fallen deeply in love with Red again,
and I was beginning to trust him more and more.  I was still wary of
giving Red a lot of control over me emotionally, but I was ready to
start tearing down the scaffolding. As I went into a peaceful sleep,
Buck came to me again. He took me in his arms, and held me.

"Like that rough sex, don't cha,' Sweetheart?"

"Yes, Sir."

"Listen to you, 'Yes Sir',  I like that.  I  would've eventually made
you my slave.  If, for no other reason to never let you get away from
a cowboy that couldn't do without you.  You ready to be my slave
over here?"

"That would be my idea of heaven, Buck."  he laughed and
kissed me. He knew I'd be any damn thing he wanted me to be.

"You're doing fine, Cowboy.  They're gonna' let you know before
much longer why you have to be with Red. You do love him, don't
you?"                    

"Yes, Buck, I do." I said quietly not wanting him to think I'd
betrayed his love.

"It'll get easier, I promise, Cowboy.  Hang in there!  I'll come to
you when you need me.  I'll be by your side. I'll hold your hand.  I
love you so much, Billy."  He started to fade.   This time I let him go
with a whisper.

"I love you, too, Buck."  I listen to hear if Red heard me.  He
hadn't. I fell back into the deepest, most peaceful sleep I'd
experienced in months.  God and my celestial cowboys granted me
peace that night.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * 

We hung around Mt. Washington and took a trip to the desert to
visit Master Zack.  Master Beryl was living with him at the time. 
Master Beryl was thinking about getting a place of his own and was
looking around the desert area near Master Zack's.

Harley Boone was there in a hospital bed.  Mutt was taking care
of him.  Mutt's Master had shot Harley on the road and caused him
to total his bike and almost killed him. He was in traction and casts
all over his body.

We visited with him and Mutt a lot while we were there. What a
strange relationship that was.  Harley Boone is a straight man but
because of their friendship and having saved Mutt's life a couple of
times, Mutt became Harley's devoted care taker.

Mutt was satisfied with serving Harley as his nurse and asked
nothing more. Even though they might not be compatible sexually
there was a warm friendship that passed between them that was
good to see.

We had a wonderful visit with Master Zack and Big Beryl. We
spent most of the week with them but I wanted to get back in to
Los Angeles to see Master Ben when he came to visit Tim.  We rode
back in and really had a good visit with Master Ben.

Red and I were having sex and sleeping with each other in a
more normal fashion when we were visiting our family. I
acquiesced to Red and played the role of his slave. I called him
Master and performed the ritual so I wouldn't embarrass Red before
our family.

In a way, to refuse in front of our family would be the ultimate
castration of his male ego as a Master,  and I  loved Red as my
Master.  No other man in our family came close to wearing the title
of 'Master' the way he did.

I couldn't and wouldn't do that to him.  He had a certain image
and status to uphold within the family.  Besides, I didn't want the
man I loved being thought of as a bad Master.  It wasn't true
anyway, Red was a good Master and I would've jumped any man's
ass with a correction that dared say otherwise.

Red told me he appreciated me playing the role of slave around
our family and I believe him.  It was feeling good and natural for me
to show him homage again.

I noticed he was off to the side talking to Master Ben a lot. 
They had their heads together and talking quietly and seriously. 
Ben seemed to be concerned and doing much understanding
listening.  When I would approach they'd change their topic of
conversation.

I knew Ben and I were too close for him to be giving Red
counsel about our relationship but I had no idea what they might be
discussing.  Then Red talked to Master Jeb and Big Jim a lot. 
Again I'd get shined on when I came around to join their
conversation.

We were there for about a week and a half and Red and Big Jim
would mysteriously disappear several afternoons and would be
gone for several hours.  They would always return and Red would
come find me and after the ritual greeting give me a big hug and a
kiss.

I was curious but knew better than to ask.  If my Master wanted
me to know where he was going he'd tell me and by that point I
trusted Red completely.

I intuitively knew he wasn't meeting some slave for a tryst.  I
knew Red's smells and would know instantly if someone else had
been near him.  Surprisingly, that thought didn't upset me anymore. 

If my Master chose to do that then I didn't want to know
anyway.  He wouldn't be going with Big Jim if he was meeting
someone and I knew he and Big Jim weren't doing it.  He never
offered explanation.  I never asked and he seem to appreciate that
I didn't.
 
I was beginning to get a bit paranoid.  I wasn't giving Red what
he wanted but I thought he'd  accepted that our relationship wasn't
going to be like it was. He still made no effort to make things right
between us, but in our rough games he always saw to it,  I got my
pleasure as well as his. Red was never a selfish nor sadistic man
that way. He was totally faithful to me over the last year.

I fell so much more in love with Red the stupid incident with T-
bo seemed insignificant now.  I wasn't worried Red would do it
again.  I began to believe he hadn't meant to hurt me.  It didn't
stick in my craw anymore after I kicked T-bo's ass and ran him out
of camp. Perhaps I'd punished Red enough and should  let things be
like he wanted.

I began to miss the feeling of being owned and the security of
considering myself Red's personal property.  Maybe Ben was right. 
I did, after all, agree to be his slave. I missed doing the little things
for him we both enjoyed.

I wanted to be his slave again in every sense. I began to look for
an opening to see if I could talk to Red and reach a middle ground
of understanding where I could once again give myself to him as his
slave.

We left Los Angeles and were on the road again.  Master Ben 
invited us to ride to Las Vegas and be his guest for a week at the
Riviera and then on to Reno for another week with him.  Red
accepted and we had a wonderful trip through the desert.

 We camped about half way there and had one of our best sex-
war games we'd had.  But it was different.  We laughed and kidded
each other through the whole thing.  I'd egg him on to get him to do
what I wanted.

"You wouldn't dare tie me up and force feed me that dirty
asshole of yours, you ingrate."

"You don't think so, huh, slave?  Ingrate?  You call me an
ingrate? You're the fucking ingrate. You should be groveling at my
boots in thanks for giving you the honor to clean an ass as tasty as
mine, you little prick."

And off we'd go.  I ended up trussed up like a Christmas turkey
with a big, ugly, man butt hole being ground into my mouth. I loved
every minute of it.  I let go with him and told him afterward how
much I loved him for playing these stupid games with me.  The old
man cried in my arms and told me he'd known from the first I loved
him for it.

He knew I didn't want to give it up.  He admitted he found it a
new world of sex he would find hard to give up as well.  Red and I
laughed about it for days.  After that battle we were so much in
love we acted like two silly kids.  I know it sounds crazy but it
happened.  I knew the time was near to set it straight with Red and
become his good little slave again. I loved him to much not to be
his total slave.

After we got to Vegas we continued to have great sex and I felt 
we were easing our way back into a good relationship. I began to
treat Red with more gentleness.  I was beginning to pamper him
again.  Even our friends noticed I was more attentive to my Master. 
I was beginning to trust Red more and more.

The third night we were there we had dinner with Ben, Little
Steve, and Cal.  Master Cal and his slave recently moved back to
Las Vegas and were acting as escorts and body guards for Master
Ben.  Ben sent them to school and had them take lessons in
handling weapons and they both were licensed to carry Guns in
Nevada.   It did wonders for Steve.  Cal would laugh and tell us,

"Yeah, surprised the hell out of me.  My slave actually
developed bones in his wrists."  Then he'd roar with laughter. 
Steve would just giggle.

Like Harry, Master Ben enjoyed their company and didn't have
to worry if he wanted to get away and spend some time with them
at their place in the desert. Red and I helped Cal and Steve with a
patio project at their house and I was tired.

We all went gambling that evening and won pretty heavily. 
Master Ben always seemed to do well when the five of us went to
the casino.  I didn't drink a lot but the wine with dinner hit me and I
began to get sleepy.

I said my goodnights and retired to our room earlier than usual.
Red promised he'd be along in a bit. He never came back to the
room.  He took his bike and left.  There was a note from Red for me
at the front desk.

Cowboy,

I know I fucked up really bad.  I hoped by now you would've
forgiven me for my indiscretion, and things would get back to
normal but I guess they never will.  It's been a little over a year
now since my stupid error in judgment. You gave me another
chance and I guess I failed miserably.

I've enjoyed every minute with you but I deeply miss the giving,
caring, trusting, sweet young man who chose a beast over beauty. 
I know, now, I can never have him again but it's not your fault. I
fucked up and accept the responsibility for my actions, but I have
to move on, Cowboy.
  
I'll let you go to be with whoever you want. I wish you the best. I
hope they can make you happier than I did. In short, Cowboy, I just
don't feel like being punished anymore.  God knows, I'm so sorry I
hurt you.  I never meant to.  I never thought you'd care that deeply
about that sort of thing, but I was wrong. 

If I could,  I'd go back and change the past;  I can't, so it's time
for me to hit the road.  This isn't a game, Billy, it's what I have to
do.  I've never loved a man the way I love you, Cowboy, and even if
you never think of me again as your Master, you will always be my
cowboy. I'll never stop loving you but we both need to get on with
our lives.

Your loving Master,

Red

"Oh, God, Red! How could you do this to me?"  I wanted to
scream.  Just when I was beginning to trust him enough to talk to
him about setting things right between us.  If he'd hung on just a
little longer everything would have been fine.

"Well, Cowboy, when did you plan to have this little talk?  You
were still clinging to your own selfish needs for rough sex and
using your leverage to get what you wanted.  If you were clever you
could have had both.  Red was a man of great invention.  He loved
you enough to give you what you needed.  You didn't need to
manipulate it out of him." I chastised myself.  I was devastated.  I
didn't know what to do. 

I knew I couldn't talk to anyone about it or be around my friends
for a while. I didn't want to be around Ben or my bike family. I had a
feeling  they knew this was going to happen and no one said a word
to me. I felt hurt, angry and betrayed. 

I was more angry at my friends than Red.  It wasn't like Ben, my
brother,  to be this way,  to say nothing of Steve and Cal who were
two of my best buddies. I left Vegas without a word to anyone.

Where does one go to lick their wounds?  Hell, yes, home to the
arms of the biggest man in the world, my dad.  I made a bee line to
Mason. I made sure I didn't come into town until three o'clock in
the morning when every thing was shut down and no one on the
streets to see me arrive.

I hid my bike in Dad's huge barn of a garage and Lester let me in
the back door.  I hugged him and told him I'd see him in the
morning, I was going to bed.  I went to bed and didn't get up.  I
didn't want any of the town folk to know I was home. 

Dad came in my room and sat on the bed to talk to me.  I
couldn't, I just cried in his big arms.  I told him I'd tell him later.  I
didn't want to talk to anybody or see anyone but my dad, Uncle Joe
or Lester. I went to bed and slept around the clock for over a week. 

I wasn't particularly tired, I just didn't want to get out of bed.  I
didn't eat.  I was losing weight.  I would curl up in a fetal position, 
pull the covers over my head and just sleep.  Ben called several
times and dad wouldn't lie to his other son.

"Yeah, Son, he's here and we're worried about him.  He won't go
out of the house.   We can't get him out of his room;  hell, we can't
get him out of bed.  He's sleeping around the clock.  He won't eat.  

He's losing weight.  He won't  tell me what happened. We don't
know what to do.  I know my boy well enough to know something
bad happened to him, he's hurting really bad but I can't help him if
he won't talk to me."

"Can I fly home to be with him, Dad?  I have a couple of days
free starting tomorrow.  I've got one of my father's private jets and
could fly into San Antonio around noon tomorrow.  Would you mind
picking me up and we can talk on the way back.

"Be happy to, Son. Come on, he can't get pissed 'cause my other
boy wants to come home, too.  Maybe that's what he needs right
now is his big brother."  Dad and Uncle Joe met Ben at the Airport. 
They were glad to see each other.  It had been a while but their
bond of love was solid. Ben flew the three of them to Vegas for a
weeks vacation, several times to Reno and treated them lavishly.
They brought Ben back to the house and quietly set him up in the
newer bedroom.

I was in my old room.  I loved my old bed.  It was like returning
to the womb.  Ben didn't try to come in and talk. I was sound
asleep and felt someone nude crawling in bed with me.

At first, I thought it was my dad and started to complain, then I
realized it was my brother. He took me in his arms and didn't say a
word. He just held me.  It was the first time I let any of it out and he
got it all.  I cried my heart out in his arms.  He didn't comment,
didn't try to stop me, he just let me get it out.

Later that evening we got up and I was hungry.  Having Ben
home made me feel a little better.  I sat and ate with my family and
told them what happened.  I didn't know what to do. After I told
them how close I was to setting things straight between Red and I,
dad kind of snorted.

"It's not like you Billy three to give up and crawl in a hole.  I've
taught you better'n 'at.  I know you well enough to know you
needed to recoil from the hurt.  You've done that.  Now, are you
going to let that old man get away with this?

You got a lot of Bud in you but I was the one what taught you
about life.   You can thank me for the damn stubborn streak you
got.  I also taught you never to accept anything at face value.  Find
out for yourself what's really going on.  Go directly to the horses
mouth.  

Get your ass out there on the road, find that old bastard and tell
him how you feel. You've invested almost three years in that crazy
old man.  You're obviously bonkers about each other so swallow
your pride, go rope and hog tie the son of a bitch. 

Don't let him up 'til you make him admit he loves you and can't
live without you.  Kick his ass, get his attention and tell him you
love him and can't live without him either. You gave him another
chance, the least the ugly bastard can do is give you another
chance.

"No disrespect, Dad, but there's a little more to it than that."
spoke Ben quietly. "Red wasn't  truthful with cowboy. We all know
it now and we're not pleased with Red when we found out what he
did. I probably should have shared with Billy but Red swore me to
secrecy; however, at the time I didn't know Red planned to do what
he did to Billy.

As far as I'm concerned, keeping a sworn oath becomes null and
void when you blatantly hurt another person by lying to them,---
especially my little brother.  By the way, Cowboy, Harry, Cal and
Steve feel so bad 'cause they knew why you took off without saying
goodbye.

You thought your closest friends including your brother knew
about this and didn't give you a clue.  My personal apologies as
well, Cowboy.  You had a right to be hurt, especially after what Red
did.  We didn't know he was gonna' do that or we would've never
allowed him to swear us to secrecy.  We never should've in the first
place.

Red was afraid and has been for a while about a problem he's
been having with vision and balance.  He came to me that weekend
at Master Jeb's and Jim's and asked if I'd arrange some medical
test with my doctors at U.C.L.A.  I did and they examined him.  I
don't know how to tell you this, Cowboy,  but just to give it to you
straight.  Red has an inoperable brain tumor and has less than a
year to live.  Maybe six to eight months max."


There was a silence fell over the kitchen. I immediately felt
sick,  ran to the downstairs bathroom and threw up.  I noticed
sometimes Red seemed to lose his sense of equilibrium.  His vision
was always a bit spotty so I didn't noticed much change except
now and then he'd hand me something and tell me to read it aloud
for the both of us.

The fog was clearing.  Things were beginning to be more clear.
He didn't want me to know.  He wanted me to go on with my life as
he rode off into the sunset, alone, to die.  It's a great scene in a
western movie but in real life it sucks.

He wouldn't have been alone.  Our family would never let him be
alone. Ben would never let him be alone, nor Steve, Cal or Harry. 
Then I got angry.   I was suppose to live with the guilt of destroying
one of the most passionate relationships of my life? 

"Ah, hell, Cowboy, his head was up his ass with fear when he
tried to find an excuse to break if off with you."  I calmed myself. 
"Let it teach you a lesson.  You over reacted to his tryst with T-bo
big time. Give the man a break."  I chastised myself. He probably
thought I'd run to Dan Yates when he broke it off with me.

In his less than magnanimous attempt to break up he hoped I
would run to Dan. I wouldn't go to Dan in the condition I was in.  I
wouldn't do that to him.  Besides I would never think of going to
Dan until I had some resolution with Booger.  Besides, I was ready
to bet God wasn't through with me and Red. I knew it in my heart. 
This was the reason the Old Man wanted me to be with Red.  I felt
awful for not trusting him. 

I wanted to go to bed. I needed to talk to someone and I had to
be asleep to do it.  My family and Ben were concerned.  They didn't
know how the news was going to affect me and didn't want me
going back into a depressive sleep marathon.

I apologized and promised my family I was fine. Please, leave
me alone tonight and I'll be fine tomorrow morning,  trust me. I
agreed to let my brother sleep with me and joined him in the newer
bedroom.

I wasn't going to sit idly by while my old man, my Master, my
love, was out there hurting. He wanted a devoted slave, by God,
he'd have one.  He wanted to be my Master, by God, he would be.
Somehow things didn't look so bad anymore.

I was devastated to hear about Red and knew I had another hill
to climb but I thought I could do it. I didn't think God would put this
on me if he didn't think I could handle it.  I'd lost loved ones before. 
It never gets easier but I'd been through it.

It wasn't good news but I also knew this life wasn't all there
was.  This is only a place to try our damnedest to do the right thing
and be a good person.  I knew without a doubt Buck would come to
me that night. 

Ben was concerned about his brother and lay there holding
Cowboy in his arms.  He dosed.  He always felt comfortable in this
old house and felt this room was special for him and Cowboy.  The
young man who lay in his arms had no idea what he meant to Ben. 
He had no idea the depth of Ben's love for him.

Even though Cowboy was a slave, or saw himself that way, he
was still Ben's brother.  He acted without thinking and would have
given his life for Ben.  Ben felt sad and guilty because unwittingly
his inactions to inform Cowboy caused him great pain.

As he lay there awake Ben saw the curtains over the open
window billow out into the room and a radiant blue light moved
slowly toward the bed.  Ben wanted to wake Cowboy but something
from the light told him not to and then it appeared to Ben. 

A big, handsome, mean looking cowboy, complete with boots
and a huge, brown, felt hat shaped to fit the spirits personality.  
Ben knew immediately who he was.  He looked so much like his
dad it had to be Buck.  Cowboy told Ben, Buck would come to him
in his sleep.

Buck smiled at Ben, put his finger to his lips indicating for Ben
to be silent but all of a sudden Ben could hear him in his mind.

"Howdy, Ben. Don't be frightened. Guess you know I'm Buck."

"Yes, Buck, I recognize you."  Ben though back.

"I asked Allah if I could say hello to you and he said, "Okay."

"Are you real or am I dreaming?"

"You ain't dreaming, my Brother. You can see me, you can hear
me.  Let's just be quiet so's not to disturb our love laying there in
your arms.  When I come to him in his dreams we can hold each
other, kiss and feel each other and he needs that right now; to say
nothing of my own selfish urges to hold him again.  I think you can
understand where I'm coming from.  I've seen the number of times
when something was bothering Billy you wanted to reach out and
hold him but you couldn't 'cause Red was there."

"Yes, you're so right, Buck.  I love my new salve, my little
brother, but there is a special love in my heart for this man and his
family that only grows from year to year.  It will never diminish."

"You're right, Ben, it will only grow stronger over the years and
you will find them a great source of comfort and unconditional love
you can draw from when things get rough for you.  Remember, Allah
is with you and all you have to do his speak his name; he will come
to you.

I've come to talk to Cowboy but I wanted to talk to you first. 
We're all proud of you, Ben.  Allah, as you call him, loves you and is
very proud of you.  He has chosen you to succeed your dad when
Allah decides to take him home.  He knows you'll rule your country
with strength, but with love for your people.  You will bring about
great social changes in your society and offer any child from the
lowest of men an education.

You will see they are educated as far as they wish to learn. 
Your county will prosper and grow in respect from the world.  Take
special care of your two slaves, Tim and Keshan.  Keshan will save
your life one day and you will come to appreciate him as much as
Tim but in a different way. 

You will offer Keshan his freedom and make him your brother
associated with your family.  He will not accept his freedom and
will see it as a rejection of his love.   Then you must give him a
ceremony with Cowboy's family formally acknowledging him as
your slave.

Be good to Cowboy's immediate family including Lester.  They
will love you as no others will.  They will protect you with their
lives if necessary. So will Cowboy's larger family, the Clan.  They
all love you very much. I want to thank you personally for being
Cowboy's friend and brother.  You never have to worry about his
love for you.  You hold a great piece of his heart.

"Now I must go to him.  I'll take his hand but you won't be able
to hear me.  He may speak in his sleep.  Just hold him and he'll
continue to sleep."

"Thank you, Buck, and tell his Holiness I love him, too."

"I will, Ben." Buck looked over his shoulder, "He heard and said
to tell you he loves you, too."

With that Buck took Cowboy's hand and glowed even brighter. 
He would wink at Ben now and then as he was communicating with
Cowboy. Cowboy would utter a few words and a couple of complete
sentences.  Ben held him tightly.  He could feel the muscles move
in Cowboys body responding to the feelings and the touch of his
love, Buck.  Ben got tears in his eyes for the shared love of the
moment.  He too, loved the man he held and felt only joy that his
lost love was with him.

"They told you,  Cowboy?"  Buck asked me.

"Yeah Buck, they did."

"Now you know why he wanted you to stay with Red."

"Yeah, I feel like a fool, Buck.  I should've trusted your Boss.  He
knows what he's doing. I own him one hell of an apology.  Would
you tell him for me how ashamed I am and thank him for me for
allowing me to love Booger."  Buck looked over his shoulder, gave
an okay sign to someone I couldn't see.

"He just signaled me, Billy,  he heard every word you said and
he loves you for understanding."

"Go find your Master, Cowboy.  I'll help you.  Your friends will
help you.  They know you won't be trying to find Red to be bad to
him, they'll help you.  The man holding you in his arms this minute
will help you.  He has great love for you, Cowboy.  Lean on him,
your immediate family and your brothers in the clan when the time
comes.  The Old Man is going to see to it you have a couple more
immediate family members to help you through this."

"How, Buck?"

"Haven't you learned to trust him?"

"Completely, Buck!  I don't ever want him angry at me again."

"Okay, Sweetheart, he won't be. Trust him.  Trust what I'm
telling you.  These men will be closer to you than brothers and will
bear your name.  You will unconditionally share your love for your
Master with them.  Sharing Red's love will only increase his love for
you and your own personal strength.  They will increase the love
you and Red have for each other ten fold.

"I should've been better to him, Buck.  I made him pay too
much."

"Hey! Now, don't go beat'n yourself up, Darlin, as your Master,
that's gonna' be my job."  He laughed and winked at me, "You didn't
make him pay too much.  He didn't listen to you. You told him what
he had to do but he didn't try.  He shouldn't have done what he did
to you but like Ben told you, you did agree to be his slave.  Besides
Red wouldn't have stayed with you if it was too much.

Listen,  that old man loved that rough sex as much as you did. 
He got what he needed and more. Just lighten up some when you
find him. He needs you now, Billy.  He's  hurting.  He's afraid of
having to face his own mortality and hurting even more for letting
you go. In his heart he knows it was his second stupidest mistake
with you.

Not having you by his side is,---well,  it's eating him up.  That old
man loves you more than you can know, Cowboy. Go to him. Be his
good slave and help him to the end.  He doesn't have the faith you
have and the Old Man wants you to show him the way.

Don't delay. It's important!  The minute you find out were he's
headed follow him and find him.  It's important, Cowboy!  Trust me! 
It's very important!

  You can do it, Billy.  I'll be with you.  Your uncle will help. 
We'll all be there to help you. Hell, the Old Man said he might even
drop by to check on you.  God really loves you, Billy.   He has a
weakness for cowboys.  Tell Red we'll be waiting for him. We'll
come take him home when he's ready.  He won't have to cross
alone.  We'll be there to take his hand."

"Will you take my hand and lead me when it's my time, Buck?"

"Oh, hell no, Cowboy,"  he paused for effect and smiled real big,
"I'll pick you up in these cowboy love'n arms, carry you to the Old
Man's feet myself and tell him, 'Here he is Master, the cowboy you
found favor with and we all love so much.'"

"I love you, Buck."

"I love you, too, Cowboy."  and, he was gone.

Ben watched as Buck let go of Cowboy's hand.  He smiled and
waved goodbye to Ben, turned to the window and was gone.  Ben
listened to Cowboy sigh and drift into a deep sleep.  His breathing
changed and became softer and more regular.  His soul was at
peace.  Ben slept and dreamed of holding his two slaves in his
arms.

I passed into a peaceful, dreamless sleep that found me
refreshed and ready to face a new day.  My family was amazed at
my attitude.  Not Ben!  He knew I would be ready.  He shared with
me and my family his seeing and talking with Buck.  He told us all
the things Buck told him.  Except he shared the part about being
good to my family only with me.  Ben was feeling bad last night
when we went to bed but this morning he positively glowed with
excitement and love.

I was ready to leave.  I drove with my Dad to take Ben back to
the airport and returned to wait to hear from him. He said he would
get back to Reno and make a couple of phone calls to find out
where Red was.  Maybe even Harry knew or he might have a
message waiting for him. One way or another they would let me
know.  He called and told me Red was on his way to Reno.  He left
Mt. Washington that afternoon and wanted visit Ben and Harry.

I left Mason that same afternoon headed north toward Reno.  I
thought I might meet up with Red somewhere along the way.  I got
to Reno and checked with Ben and Harry.  Ben said Red stayed the
night with them.  They tried to get him to stay because they knew I
was on my way but he was restless and lost.  He would start crying
at the least little thing.  They thought it was the reaction to the
news he didn't have long to live.

"No, that's not it." said Red, "Hell, we've all gotta' go sometime.
I'm certainly not afraid of dying.  I've been around the cowboy too
long to know for damn sure this isn't all there is.  I've seen him talk
in his sleep to Buck, his cowboy buddies and his uncle.  I know
they come to him because I've felt their presence.

What I'm crying about is,  I never  set it straight with Cowboy for
hurting him that time.  It was the biggest fuck'n mistake of my life
and I still can't live with it. I guess I realized instead of trying to
work to regain his trust, I demanded it from him.  I thought as his
Master I had that right. I kept thinking, 'I apologized. Get over it,
Kid!'

Well, he dug his heels in and refused; fought me every step of
the way.  I can't blame the kid. He wasn't a trained, imprinted
slave.  I took it on myself to train him and failed at that, too.  He
didn't have the foundation to understand my actions.  'Cause I was
a Master, I  expected him to understand.  He didn't.

Cowboy told me he hoped the price I was gonna' pay for fucking
T-bo was worth it. It wasn't, T-bo was the worst piece of ass I ever
had. I still don't know why I let that worthless piece of shit talk me
into fucking him.

I can remember the pain in Cowboy's eyes when he was on his
bike getting ready to leave me.  I've been face to face with death
on a battlefield with my buddies, close friends, loved ones, but I've
never seen pain in a man's face like that; especially, one I loved. 
What's worse,---I was responsible for it.  It's permanently etched on
my mind and I can't fucking forgive myself for hurting the kid like
that.

Then, I was angry with him, not because he couldn't understand
but because he caught me.  I could see my world crumbling around
me and I couldn't do a damn thing about it. Hell, the more I
demanded, the more he pulled away.  I never really tried to just let
it be, be his good Master and slowly regain his trust. He tried to tell
me that's all I had to do.  I wouldn't listen.  I was his Master" Red
said in an exaggerated voice. 

"He told me exactly what I had to do to have his trust again and
he was willing to give me the chance. I fucked up!  He gave me the
chance to set things right between us and because of my stupid
macho pride I wouldn't try it his way.  From what I did to him he
had every right to demand that from me.  I swore to him when we
first got together he was the only slave I wanted.  But no! I was
Master and he'd do it my way or else.  I would once again make him
pay my price.  If'n  he didn't, I'd take what was mine.
  
When we first got together he didn't want to be my slave nor
call me Master.  He wanted to ride with me, be my buddy and bunk
it in with each other.  I gave him an ultimatum.  Either he accepted
me as his Master and became my slave or I was going solo again.  I
wanted it all with the kid and he was still licking his wounds from
Nam.  I had to have it my way or there wasn't going to be a way.

  He thought about it for as long as it took me to take a shower,-
--then as he was drying me he asked a favor.  He asked me when I
got his dog tags for his collar to make sure they spelled 'Cowboy'
correctly.  He gave in to me to prove he loved me;  he paid my
price, but I couldn't swallow my masculine ego to be what he
needed for only a short period of time.

It's eating me up. I love him so fucking much I don't want him to
watch me die. Yet, I'm lost without him.  When we first got together
I asked myself if I was trying to relive my love for Bud, his real
father, through Cowboy.  I loved Bud,  loved him so much I wouldn't
take another slave after him,---but I love that kid ten times more
than I loved Bud.

I know in my heart Bud wouldn't hate me for saying that.  He
looks just like Bud, down to his cock and balls,  but he's his own
man.  It's like loving another man in Bud's body, except I love the
man inside that body with all my heart. The better part of what I am
today as a man is because of that Goddamn kid. 

I remember the pain from our separation over Christmas that
year. He doesn't know it but I damn near went crazy. I bought a gun
and was gonna' end the pain Christmas eve I was hurting so bad. 
This is a hundred times worse.  I feel like I'm going nuts and I can't
handle it.  I wish I didn't love the kid so fuckin' much.  Oh, Ben, I
hurt so Goddamn bad!" Red began to cry in Ben's arms.

"You and Cowboy have something special, Red.  Most men
would give anything to have half the passion in their lives you and
Cowboy have managed to cram into yours. Shouldn't you give him
the option of being with you if he wants?"  Harry asked.

"You know, I've come to know Cowboy pretty damn well and I
know underneath his stubbornness he loves you now more than
ever. He's confided in me he thinks he's pushed the punishment
thing too far.

He was going to talk to you here in Vegas about giving himself
to you again in a formal ceremony with our family.  Right now, he's
just thinking you left him. He doesn't know about your condition.
Think what it's doing to him."

"Well, I understand  but I don't want him knowing.  It's gonna' be
hard enough to do this without him, let alone have him find out and
come to me out of pity.  Besides, as long as he's happy it will help
me knowing I did the right thing for once in my fucked up, 
miserable life."

"I'm not sure you're doing the right thing, Red." said Ben. "I feel
like Harry does,  he should be given the option.  You haven't been
truthful with Cowboy concerning the real reasons you left him.  He 
thinks it's all his fault. You wrote him that note that said you were
leaving him because he was still punishing you for your mistake. 
You put all the guilt on Billy and I know for a fact it wasn't all his
fault.  Last I heard he was pining his heart out in Mason.  Locked
himself in his room.  Won't come out for anyone."

"He is?" asked Red amazed, "I thought he'd ride straight to Dan
Yates."

"That's so Goddamn unfair of you, Red.  You're a bigger man
than that!"  Harry barked at Red with anger in his voice,   "That kid
loves you more than you realize or want to admit.  You've always
had a jealous streak against Dan Yates and Cowboy hasn't even
talked to him since you two have been together. He loves Dan. 
Who wouldn't? I love Dan Yates.  You would, too, if you ever met
him.  He's just the kind of man you'd love and respect.  He's a fine,
decent,  good looking man.  Cowboy never lied to you about his love
for Dan.  He was open and honest.  

I personally admire the hell out of that kid.  He put Dan Yates'
love aside to keep his commitment to you.  You can't call the kid
selfish.  He put you first.  He decided to love you, Red, and that kid
is devoted to you.  He put his love for you before Dan Yates.  So,
don't go there,  I won't listen to crap like that.  That's just pure,
unadulterated bull shit, Red, and you know it."  Harry told him
angrily.   Red tucked his head. 

"Yeah, maybe you're right, Harry, I'm sorry.  I know you're both
crazy about Cowboy and you have to know I am, too; otherwise, I
wouldn't be hurt'n like I am.  I've cried myself to sleep the last
three nights without him in my arms to hold on to.  I know you guys
are my closest friends and I love you but you can't imagine how
alone I feel without that kid by my side."

When Ben related the conversation to me I started crying and
told him I'd have to call him back in a few minutes.  I did and
apologized.  He understood. He said Booger took off,  headed for
the Russian River, to a resort that was owned by the guys who I 
stayed with when our family rode up there.

I stopped in Reno long enough to have a meal with Ben, Harry,
Cal and Steve.  It was a quiet dinner.  My friends knew I was
hurting and only wanted to be supportive. They all apologized for
not telling me.  I tried to be up but they understood.  I thanked Ben
for being my brother and coming to Mason to tell me the truth.  I
would forever love him for that. 



End of Chapter 13~ Booger Red & Cowboy
Copyright 2003 Waddie Greywolf